Category Archives for "Teens"

0 Is it possible to trust someone completely?

PERFECTION asks:

When you fully trust someone does that mean you don’t get jealous anymore? What does it mean to really fully trust someone?

Hi PERFECTION –

            That’s a really great question.  I think there are two answers – and both are… yes.

            Here’s what I’m thinking.  I trust Handsome with every molecule in me.  I know he can make mistakes (like accidentally stepping on my tail!), but I know he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose.  He always wants the best for me.  No question. 

            But because I value him so much, I can go a little crazy when he’s too friendly with another dog.  But I don’t get mad at him, I just get very rough with the pooch – making sure he or she knows “That Man Is Mine!”  I don’t want anyone trying to steal him away, or to get too much of his attention that I love so much.

            But that’s one kind of jealousy.  There’s the other kind that eats at one’s soul.  It has less to do with what anyone else is doing than about ourselves – when a person feels they’re not good enough, they’re terrified that their partner is going to see them that same way, and leave them for someone more attractive, richer, stronger, whatever. 

            So to get back to your question – if I trust someone fully, I might get jealous of someone else’s interest in them, but I also could have such a low opinion of myself that I get jealous out of the thought that they’ll start seeing me the same way I do.  It’s two different kinds of jealousy (and I can tell you, the first kind is a lot more pleasant to live with!).

            But when you ask what it means to fully trust someone, I’ll go back to what I said about Handsome and my tail.  Sure you might idealize someone and think they’re perfect and can never make mistakes – but you’ll be wrong.  But if you see them as they are, and know that they care fully about you, then yes that’s a legitimate way of fully trusting in them.  And it is a beautiful feeling indeed!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 The Aquarian Apocalypse …a fable for our times…

            Certain kinds of stories transcend place and time.  For example, did you know that almost every land on Earth has some version of Cinderella, long before they’d have heard them from each other? 

            One that seems to show up in every culture that existed around the ancient Mediterranean is of The Great Flood.  You know it – that humans were so awful that God (or the Gods) flooded the whole world out, but one man was so good that he was warned in advance from above, and built a great ship on which he saved one member of every species of animal, along with his family.

            Another sort of story we hear about is where God (or the Gods) test people, and punish or kill everyone who doesn’t give the right response.  The Jewish story of the Passover might be the best known of this (due to exciting movies of it like The Ten Commandments!).  In it, God sends a plague that kills the first-born of every family that doesn’t put a sign of devotion on their doors, but it ‘passes over’ the homes that do.  Pretty harsh, huh!

            Then there’s another sort of apocalyptic warning tale. It’s more modern, and showed up a lot in stories written after the invention of the atomic bomb.  In these, either mankind learns from disasters to master its newfound power and move forward, or it doesn’t and is ruined (by those disasters), or it’s warned in apocalyptic terms of just how dangerous this new power is.  In other words, the stories all have the same moral: “If we don’t learn how to stop fighting each other, we’re going the way of the dinosaurs!”

            I was thinking about these three kinds of stories recently, when it hit me that we may be living through a fourth one – one that isn’t being written or filmed; it’s literally happening to us. 

            You see, odd as it may seem, we’ve actually survived the other ones.  Whatever awfulness humans were doing before The Great Flood, it hasn’t been repeated, so you guys must have improved!  And while horrible acts have been perpetrated on people for their faith over the last 2500 years, the world seems to have survived the vengeance of their deities. 

            And maybe most amazing of all, the human race, for all its flaws, has gone 75 years without using atomic weapons on each other.  Pretty astounding when you think of it!

            So I guess the overall moral here is that, slowly but surely, humans do learn their lessons.  But there’s always room for growth, right?

            Well, what about our current coronavirus apocalypse?  Is there anything we can learn from it?  It hasn’t decimated the entire world, or picked favorites based on ethnicity or faith.  And it hasn’t created any devastating wars, yet.

            Is this something completely new?  Something promising to raise humanity to a higher level?

            Maybe.

            I argued in the last Pawprint about how sad and furious I was that people’s laziness and stupidity had allowed the virus to grow and spread for so long that it killed one of my favorite people.  And yes, I’m still very angry about that.

            But what if we look at it another way?  What if the whole human race is being taught a lesson, one you need more than ever?  What if it’s on purpose that this disease demands something all new from everyone?

            Not to care for yourselves, or your families, or even all of humanity.  But to care for “the other.”

            So here’s the story I’m suggesting.  A new fable:

            One morning, the Great Dog in the Sky looked down at the world She had created, and said, “Humans have evolved well.  They no longer do such unspeakable things that I need to eliminate them and start over, and they now treat other religions well enough that I don’t need to kill their children; and they’ve even shown some restraint in how they fight each other.  But while they’ve improved in some ways, they have gotten worse in one.  They are selfish than ever!”

            And of course, She was correct.  The growth in their intelligence and skills had made humans less dependent on their tribes, and more focused on themselves and those closest to them – to the degree of often not caring about anyone else.  They figured “somebody” would take care of anyone in pain, and smugly assumed that any poor or destitute person must deserve it.  They no longer were trying to eliminate everyone who was different from them, but they had not yet learned to truly love each other, in the way the world needed.

            So She sent down a new plague.  A plague unlike any before.  This plague hurt or killed some people, but infected far more, without showing any symptoms.  And once humans learned the basic facts about it, they realized something new – that the only way to beat the new plague would be to wear masks, keep distant, and keep clean.  Not to protect themselves, but to protect each other!

            At first, most humans didn’t grasp this concept.  “But if I’m feeling okay, then I can’t be sick, so there’s nothing wrong with my going about my life as usual,” they insisted.  But then bit by bit they learned.  They went to a fun party and came home, and unintentionally infected and killed their grandparents.  They took their daughter to a religious ceremony to teach them moral lessons, after which she gave her best friend lung damage for life.  They screamed for their favorite team at a sports event, resulting in local hospitals filling their beds with patients on breathing machines, while other people died waiting to get let in.

            And meanwhile, they also suffered the lack of everything they loved doing together.  Restaurants and concerts and plays and movies and sports events.  And even going to school.  All of these got stopped because of the danger caused by people who didn’t know they were contagious.

            And so, bit by bit, the people learned.  They started acting as if they were sick, even if they were almost certain they weren’t.  They politely gave room to those they were walking past.  They wore masks even though the nasty things were uncomfortable and made their faces break out.  They sanitized themselves before and after encountering everyone.

            And even those who got vaccinated, guaranteeing them that they’d not be hurt by the disease, kept masked and distant and clean, in case they might carry the disease and spread it to others.

            And as enough people learned to act in such an unselfish way, the Great Dog chose to reward them with a lovely treat: she started to take the virus away. 

And slowly, just as the flood and earlier plagues had receded, the world began to re-open.  Schools enabled youngsters to meet and play and grow together.  Theaters and restaurants took people in to give them joy and sustenance.  Gatherings increased, with embraces and jostling and mosh pits and fistfights – everything everyone had enjoyed before.

            But with a new understanding. 

            You see, humans had been telling each other that the key to happiness was to treat others the way you wanted to be treated, to love your neighbor as yourself, for millennia.  Now they learned the next level of that – that you have to actually take care of each other!  Just wishing the other well isn’t enough. 

            And the world was better forever after.

            Do you like this story?  I do!

See, If a dog howls in pain, other dogs will join in and howl along with them.  That’s our pack mindset.  If a dog smells fatal illness in another, they might try to kill them, instinctively acting on the harsher side of our pack rules.

            Where humans are heading is to another level.  To say “It doesn’t matter whether I sense it or not, I need to alter my behavior for my fellow human.  That’s the only way to have the world I want.”

            In other words, the key to each person’s selfish desires is to act unselfishly!  You want your job back?  You want movies and concerts back?  You want to start meeting cute attractive people in public again, so one of them might be all you desire?  Then take care of the person next to you!  Everyone needs to do just this!  That’s the only way it can happen!

            And that’s the lesson the whole world’s been getting taught for the past year.  The sooner more people learn it, the sooner everyone gets better off.  And the longer people insist on sticking to their old mindsets…  well, you know.

            Oh, but there are two aspects to my idea I’ve forgotten to include.  First, this has actually been predicted.  Not the stupid virus, but the place I like to think the world is moving.  Astrologers and some religions have spoken for years about the Aquarian Age – an era that will involve mutual understanding, after the past era, the Piscean Age, of conquest and domination.  Don’t look for one specific date; the idea is that we’re in a period of transition into it.  Depending on where you read, this transition might take decades or it might take centuries!  But every time people learn to think of others in their actions more, that’s a great step forward into it.

            And the second aspect?  Oh that’s the best part of the story.  When the Great Dog in the Sky saw that humanity had learned and grown, she threw a great party up there – a party for all who had perished in this recent plague.  And all of them felt pride about being part of this wonderful change, and sang and danced to all the songs they’d most loved in their times on Earth, and beamed down love on those still here below.  Which led to them deciding that the song they wanted to dance to the most, regardless of their musical tastes, was of course…

            So why not get up and dance with them!  I do!

Love,

Shirelle

0 Should one share a gift with others?

Maya asks:

Hey Shirelle 
Are relationship gifts meant to be shared? 
For instance say I am in a relationship.  My boyfriend buys me something for our Anniversary, then I permit my sister wear it, or maybe she takes it without asking me, and I am like, very okay with sharing it. Tell me Shirelle, what are your tips when it comes to buying and giving out gifts, like are they meant to be shared with others?  Because I believe the significant other won’t feel good about it.  What do you think?

Hi Maya –

I love sharing, and I love even more when things are shared with me, like whatever Handsome is eating!

But of course, people take gifts very seriously, especially when a lot of thought and emotion has gone into them.  And even thought the gift is arguably “given,” some gifts are actually requests.  The easiest example of this is a wedding ring – if I give you one, and you accept it, you’re giving me yourself in marriage.  And I’d sure be bothered to see you re-gifting it to someone else!!  (Don’t worry, I’m not actually proposing to you; I’m fully committed to Handsome.  But hey you could do worse – Handsome tells me I’m quite a catch!)

On the other hand, if I gave you, say, a book, and you let your sister borrow it, that probably wouldn’t bother me at all.  And even if I had given you a wedding ring, I’d probably be honored to see your friends try it on and see how beautiful it was, and tell you how lucky you were to have me, “Oh Maya, you got the best dog EVER as a spouse!”

Now with your question, this is a tough one.  I’m sure your boyfriend would be bothered if you actually gave his gift to your sister.  That would seem very insulting.  But to let her borrow it – maybe he’s fine with that, I don’t know. 

I think the best thing would be for you to ask him what he thinks is best.  But – and here’s my main advice here – ask it in a very specific way.  Tell him how beautiful it is, and how much it means to you.  And then say that it’s so beautiful that your sister really wants to borrow it and wear it to something special.  But, while you want to make your sister happy, it’s more important to you that he be okay with it. 

Do you see what I’m doing here?  Instead of letting her wear it and making him feel unimportant, you’d be telling him just how important it is to you, how special.  Because that’s what matters most.

I have a funny story that deals with this.  When Handsome was a teenager, he was dating a girl whose parents didn’t trust him with her, and especially her father didn’t like him much at all – just because Handsome was dating his daughter.  For her birthday, Handsome baked a cake for the first time, and it came out pretty awful – one side rose but the other didn’t, some was fluffy some was almost liquid.  He tried to fix it by adding extra icing on the one side, and it didn’t work.  But of course it still tasted okay – it just looked lousy.  He brought it to her, with many apologies, and took her out for the evening.  And when they got back to her house… they found that her parents had eaten half of it!  Was he upset that his gift had gone to someone other than his beloved?  No way – he was thrilled!  Their eating the cake made him feel more accepted by them than he ever had before! 

So there’s no single answer.  Try my words with your boyfriend, and I imagine all will become clearer.

And if you think of it, send me a photo of what he gave you!  I’d love to see it!

Thanks,

Shirelle

0 Should you worry if your different-sex partner kisses someone of their sex?

Outcast asks:
Lately my girlfriend told me she kissed her female friend. Her reason was that her friend was nice and she was curious to see how it felt kissing another girl.  It’s been two weeks since she told me . But I think I lost that trust towards her, though most friends tell me it’s not a bad thing. I’m confused on how I should feel or act about this.

Hi Outcast –

Okay, let’s get this out of the way for starters: I love to kiss EVERYBODY!  Men, women, boys, girls, all sorts of dogs, the sides of trees, hey I’ve even kissed a couple of cats in my day!  So how you humans avoid kissing all of each other is just beyond me.

But I know that the sort of kissing you’re talking about isn’t the same as me running up and taking a big slurp on the side of someone’s face.  Or if your girlfriend had kissed her grandmother.  This was more of a romantic kiss, a sexual kiss.  And she wanted to find out how it felt to do that with a girl, since she’d only tried it with boys before.

And you say you’re confused as to how you should feel or act.  And I’m going to emphasize one word of that: you’re confused as to how you SHOULD feel or act.

And my answer to that is… no.

That there is no such thing as “Should” in this case.

Now there are some people who will tell you “What she did is wrong, and so you should break up with her.”  But I’m not one of those.  What they did was inquisitive and harmless, to my mind.

But maybe you feel horrified and disgusted and mistrusting, “If she would kiss that girl, then what else might she do, the next time she gets curious?  Flirt with my dad?  Make out with my best friend?  Take her shirt off in church?!”  And if that’s the case, then you clearly need to talk with her, and find out where her boundaries lie.  What is “interesting” to her, and what’s “off limits.”

Or maybe you feel excited, “I hope she does it again so I can watch!  Or maybe she and her friend would both make out with me at the same time!”

Or maybe you don’t really care all that much.

Now you say you’re feeling a loss of trust.  But I think it’s really important to answer two big questions then.  First, what is it you’re not trusting – that she kissed anyone, that she was willing to try kissing someone of the same sex, that she was even curious about it?

And secondly, how did she feel about it?  Has she told you?  Did she love it?  Did she want to do more of it?  Or did she feel “It’s just the same as kissing a boy?”  Or maybe even “It was nothing, I didn’t feel anything at all?”

The fact is, Outcast, we live in a very particular time.  Because humans are getting more accepting of different sorts of sexualities that have been shunned for centuries, that also means people – especially young people – are trying more things out.  “Am I bisexual?”  “Am I actually a different gender, or gender-fluid?”  And these questions aren’t a bad thing at all.  Especially if they help people get happier, and help people accept others more than they have before.

Don’t get me wrong – if one’s religion or moral beliefs dictate that they shouldn’t even try such things, I’m not going to say they’re wrong.  But just as I don’t want to see one person hate another because that person eats foods they don’t believe are morally or religiously right, I also don’t want to see hatred of another for who they’re attracted to, or who they innately feel they are.

So what all this leads to is… talk with her.  Find out how she feels, and what she wants.  And then have an even bigger talk with yourself.  And see what you really, deep down, feel about what she says.

But I can say that I’m a lot more likely to judge someone for kicking a dog than for kissing anyone.

All my very best,

Shirelle

8 My Friend Mutt – the need to use your full mind

My dear friends, I usually write you from a place of tail-wagging joy.  Though sometimes I have written you from sadness, or from anger.  But today I’m maybe the saddest and angriest I’ve ever been.

One of my very best friends ever passed away a couple of weeks ago.  I hate loss, and, like all pups, get very attached to those I love, so a friend’s death is always going to hurt my heart.  But what makes me so angry is that this loss was completely unnecessary – my friend should have lived for many more years.  In fact, I’d argue my friend was murdered.  But not by one individual – he was murdered by an energy, a concept.  My friend was murdered by Stupid.

I’ll explain that in a moment, but first let me tell you about my friend.

Mutt was a friendly cheerful guy who always had a song in his head and an awful joke to tell.  His real name wasn’t Mutt, but that’s what his granddaughter called him when she was a baby, and of course I loved the name, since it made us sound related!  He was strong, energetic (played tennis three times a week), and a great friend to all who knew him, while a devoted caretaker to friends and family. 

A few years ago, he and his wife moved into an apartment which, for the past ten months, has done better than anywhere I know of at keeping their residents safe from the coronavirus.  The people who ran it enforced very strict rules, not letting any visitors in, testing the people who worked there, and quarantining anyone who went out for any reason.  With this, they managed to go nine months without any resident becoming infected with Covid-19.  But then one person, somehow, caught it.  And then, a week or so later, Mutt caught it too. 

When asked how, he said, in a cheerful tone, “Oh, probably just by walking down the hall.”  At first he just had a slight cough.  Then he had a couple of falls – strange because he normally wasn’t clumsy.  After a bad one, he was sent to be checked out at a hospital, in case he’d broken anything.  No, his bones were fine, but because they tested everyone who came in, they tested him and he found out he had it.  A week later, he was in a hospital room on oxygen.  Days later, he was in an Intensive Care Unit on lots more oxygen.  And a couple of weeks after that, his lungs gave out and he went to be welcomed above by his parents, his sister, other family and friends, and I can’t imagine how many dogs.

Don’t get me wrong – Mutt had a terrific life.  He enjoyed great health, was successful enough in his work to devote many years to volunteering for causes he cared about, and relished the love of many.  His lifelong passions for nature and music fed his soul every day, and he even left this world listening to a favorite opera.

So why am I so angry?

Because of Stupid.

If Mutt had developed a cancer, or suffered a heart attack, I’d just be writing about here about what he showed us about a beautiful meaningful existence.  And if he’d caught this awful virus when it first took over the planet, I’d have wailed about the tragedy of illness.

But something else happened.

By last May, scientists all around the world knew what we needed to slow this viral spread.  And told us so, in very clear terms.  They knew we would eventually develop vaccines to free humanity from its clutches.  But that, until then, all people everywhere needed to do just a few things to keep its spread down.  You’ve heard these rules all year:  to wash your hands frequently, to wear a mask and stay distanced from others when you’re out of your home, and to avoid crowds.  And especially to remember that this disease can be contagious even when one has no symptoms of it – that anyone, no matter how good you’re feeling at that moment – can be a carrier and transmitter of it… and thereby potentially a killer of someone else.

Of someone innocent.  Of someone maybe strong and healthy.  Of someone perhaps with no dangerous pre-existing condition.  But of someone you’ll have to live the rest of your days knowing you killed.

And far too many people chose to be Stupid.  To ignore those rules.  To take the chance.  And why?  Well, apparently, because they think wearing a mask is just too much work.

Now you know those cones that veterinarians put on us pups after we’ve gotten stitches?  They’re annoying.  Even more so for me because I have such a long nose so I have to wear a really big one.  I totally hate them.  But Handsome has always made sure I have one when I need it, no matter how much it annoys me.

So if I could put up with that, why is it such a big deal for a human to strap a small piece of fabric over their face, especially when they can choose to wear one that has a pretty or fun pattern on it (Handsome loves wearing ones with monsters on them, for example!)?  And if I can put up with staying on a leash when I’m outside our home, why is it so difficult for some humans to keep a safe distance from others?

The answer is it’s not.  Anyone can easily wear a mask and stay distanced (and those who say masks hinder their breathing just need to talk with anyone who saw Mutt in his last days about what real breathing trouble looks like.  Or, if you truly have a serious respiratory issue, then you should be even more cautious of this virus, and find ways to stay completely away from others all the time till it’s gone!). 

But that’s just about being lazy and selfish.  It doesn’t account for Stupid.

All year, all over the world, we’ve heard stories of people arguing that they knew better than the scientists.  Who say that masks impinge their right to personal freedom. Who even go around yelling at those who follow the rules, screaming that they’re wrong to wear masks and keep distanced.  Even some rotten politicians have scorned the safety measures, inspiring their peoples to Stupidity. 

Now I realize that some countries have enforced strict rules on safety, which have largely kept the virus out.  They have shown the truth – that when people obeyed the simple rules the scientists recommended, the virus reduced to a degree that all were safe.  Which is great, but my point is about people who’ve had the freedom to choose what to do – and have chosen Stupid.

You see, if people had chosen safety over Stupid even when their governments didn’t force them to, the same excellent results could have been true everywhere. 

But no.  These Stupid people have spread the virus all year.  These Stupid people have filled hospitals with struggling, gasping, and dying patients.  These Stupid people have kept schools from being able to take children back in, restaurants from being able to provide food and service, churches and mosques and synagogues from being able to give their parishioners the warmth and comfort of group worship, and entertainers the ability to stir audiences to joy.

And, by keeping the virus so prevalent, these Stupid people killed my friend Mutt.

But in the midst of my grief and anger about him, I then think of how far the power of Stupid stretches.

Look at our international squabbles.  How many are because of Stupid?  The Koran, Torah, Bhagavad-Gita, and Bible all tell us to love and take care of each other, but Stupid tells people that their loving God wants them to randomly kill and oppress those who worship differently. 

Humans have all the knowledge they need to slow down climate change, to keep our air and water clean, and to preserve what’s unruined of our planet, and even bring back some things we’ve lost.  But Stupid (led by Greed) keeps telling the world that the scientists are wrong about all this, and to keep the greatest mass suicide in history continuing.

I could go on and on.  And remember, I’m not the one with the great brain!  I can’t do math or write a song.  I’m just sitting around looking at you guys, wishing you’d USE those brains of yours in the best way you can. 

But I’m not getting what I wish for.  In fact, the day before Mutt passed away, I saw the most astonishing demonstration of Stupid I’ve ever seen.  Maybe that anyone’s ever seen.

A politician who’s known to lie a lot lied that he had won an election.  The votes were counted and recounted many times.  Courts had looked at all his arguments, and dismissed them.  Members of his own political party confirmed that, yes, there was no way around it; his opponent had won clearly.  But he kept insisting to his supporters that he’d been the victor, they’d been cheated, and they needed to fight to keep him in his job.

And on that fated day, a number of them did.  They violently broke in to the halls of their own government, threatening and attacking their representatives, resulting in five deaths.  And here’s where I’m really in awe – these people were so Stupid, they did this in front of television cameras, and even took photos of themselves and posted them online.  They broke the most fundamental laws of their country, and went to great efforts to make sure everyone knew about it.

In so doing, they destroyed their own lives.  They’re being arrested and jailed, and will suffer legal punishments.  And that man they did this for?  He’s of course denied that he had anything to do with them – liars lie after all – sacrificing them to save what he can of his own skin.

These Stupid people followed Stupid arguments to the point of doing Stupid things – and countless numbers, including themselves, will suffer because of it. 

I could run down a list of Stupid things I’d like you not to do, but I shouldn’t have to.  Because that’s the whole point: you’re smart and know better.

You see, that’s what I mean by Stupid.  I’m not asking you to suddenly create world peace, just to use your own knowledge to avoid doing Stupid things that inflame needless conflict.  I’m not asking you to invent the way to save the planet, just to do what you already know will help it.  And I’m not asking you to cure the next pandemic disease.  Just to follow what knowledgeable people have told you is the best way to handle this current one.

I’m just asking you to use the brains you have.

Because the world needs you to. 

In Handsome’s book about what I taught him, he lists one of my major lessons as “Ignorance Is Not A Virtue.”  But if you wish to sit at home and be ignorant and not do anything about it, I suppose that won’t hurt anyone.  The danger is when a person chooses ignorance, and then acts on it.

Someone somewhere chose to behave in a way that, directly or indirectly, gave Mutt the disease that killed him.  Did they do that by going maskless, not washing, partying in crowds?  I don’t know.  I just know they did it by being Stupid.  By honoring Stupid.  By choosing to let Stupid run their lives.

Don’t be that way.  Don’t be Stupid.  Use your full brain.  Be your full self.  And if you catch yourself being momentarily Stupid (hey everyone does at times) then just change to acting Smarter.

You just get this one life in this body, with this brain.  Not using it is worse than a mistake.  It’s really kind of a sin when you think of it.

And I’m tired of being sad and angry.  So even if it’s just for me – please – embrace your Smart, and tell Stupid to go straight to…  to where I know my dear Mutt will never be sent!

0 What to do when you’re irrationally afraid of your partner’s ex

Awerpia asks:

I’m so confused Shirelle. I can’t seem to get my girlfriend’s ex out of my mind. The thought of him seems to haunt me and I wish I never knew of his existence. I know we have spoken at length about this issue but I don’t know how to get over it. I really regret ever laying eyes on him and I regret the day my girlfriend brought him to see me just because we attend the same church. I can’t seem to imagine my future with the woman I love without him popping up in my mind. I really feel anxious. I feel like one day he will return to the country to lay claims on her again. The worst part is any time I see violence I just feel like this guy is going to shoot me dead one day over the lady. I know it sounds funny but that’s how I truly feel.  And I can’t also imagine my life without my girlfriend. I love her so so much!  The guy still has old pictures of both of them together on social media and I really feel like even after all these years he still hasn’t gotten over her. Because there’s no new girl on his social media walls either. The worst part is that he had a good relationship with the girl’s family, especially her teenage brother. I feel like I don’t have a future with the woman I love without interference from this guy. And unfortunately I attend the same church with him, though we are in different congregations and he’s way out of the country. He lived in the same neighbourhood with my girlfriend before leaving. And because of his friendship with the girl’s family, even after breakup he would intentionally visit the girl using her little brother as an excuse. I really feel I can’t get him out of our lives. I don’t know if I can ever forgive my girlfriend for introducing him to me. I wish I could just wipe him out of my memory and especially hers too. And that he wouldn’t lay eyes on my girlfriend again. Help me out Shirelle!

Hi Awerpia –

So I think we’ve talked about all the reality-based answers I can come up with about this problem.  And I think we need to move on from those.

Don’t worry – I’m not calling you crazy.  But I am saying that this one tiny part of your brain is kind of crazy!  I mean, we know he’s not coming after you, and we know she prefers you, and even if her family adored him, we know they’re not rejecting you or asking her to do so.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is something deep in you.  A horrible fear.

You see, my friend, I’m guessing that these fears of yours have basically nothing to do with this guy.  And that if this wonderful girl had never had a boyfriend before you, you’d have something else bugging you this same way.  And I’m going to make a guess that this comes from a mixture of two things – a hesitance to commit fully to her, and your own fears of not being enough.

But, you argue to me, she’s great!  Why would you hesitate to commit to someone perfect?  Lots of reasons – because commitment of all kinds is scary, because everyone has faults and over time you’ll find more and more in her, because some part of you is trying to protect you from the devastation you’d experience if she left you.  All of these make sense. 

And why feel you’re not enough?  Because deep down, everyone fears that.  Just as you’re bound to find things about her that aren’t great, you know she’s going to find less-than-ideal qualities in you.  And (you probably believe) once she does, she’s bound to prefer her ex, who of course was better than you in so many ways!  Right?  (Even if it’s clear she wildly prefers you!)

So if I’m right, what can you do? 

Just one thing:  Relax, and accept that this is exactly where you are today.

Look at the rest of your life.  Is anything perfect?  Is anyone completely trustworthy, including you?  Isn’t there something to doubt or fear about everything?  But somehow you’ve walked through your day every day all these years.  You will continue to doubt, and to fear.  That just means you’re alive.

Just about every morning, Handsome gets dressed and leaves our home, locking me into the yard.  And every morning, I worry:  Will he forget about me?  Will he run off with another dog?  Will something happen to him and I’m locked in here forever?

So far, every time he’s left he’s come back.  Which eliminates those urgent fears.  But then they come back the next time he leaves.

And that’s part of my life.  It’s part of the drag of being a dog, and it’s part of the beauty of being domesticated and being head over heels in love with my human.

And that’s you.  Your fears, your doubts, are all signs of how much you love this woman.  So accept them.  How empty, and how boring, your life would be without them.

(And how great it would be for her ex’s ego to know how much you think about him!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why hasn’t the guy who flirted with me gotten back to me since?

Soumyaguna asks:

I’m working as an HR. And 2 days back I was asked to call a guy, Y, to offer him a designation. We clicked in the first go like magic. I don’t know how this happened, but we became comfortable around each other on the call, and talked for hours, all into the night. I was wondering how could  be so free around someone whom I met today! But the next day he didn’t text. And now he’s all on my mind all the time, even now – I can’t get rid of this. And I texted him yesterday, as I’d enjoyed laughing with him so much.  I sense he isn’t that interested. But when we spoke the first day he was so excited… He constantly praised me for every little thing.. He even told me he wanted to meet. But now he isn’t even interested to chat.  I’m very confused wondering what happened to me. Why can’t I just ignore him? Sometimes I feel love isn’t made for me. Maybe I’m too emotional and loyal when it comes to this. I stick to one person, but nowadays the trend goes for more. So, I definitely feel lonely, but I’m trying to make myself understand that maybe there is no one for me.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m going to assume that you haven’t heard anything more from this guy since you wrote me, and that you haven’t reached out to him either.  If I’m wrong, that’s okay, just let me know.

But if I’m right… Good for you!

You and he had a magical moment.  That’s great.  And he’s a flirt, no question (That’s not judgmental – I’m a huge flirt myself!).  And he talked as though he was going to get right back to you, and then didn’t.

So one of two things is true.  Either he just is a guy who loves to flirt and win women over, and doesn’t mean anything by it, and has done the same thing with ten other women since your conversation.  Or he really meant what he said, and then has gotten too nervous to call you back.

And in either case, my advice is to write or call him.  But it’s just great that it’s been this long.  It makes you look cooler, harder to get.  If you’d called him the next day, that wouldn’t have necessarily been a bad thing, but it would have given him all the power in the relationship. This way you’re actually taking charge by being the assertive one, “Hey, you popped into my mind this morning, and I remembered what a fun talk we had.  Let’s talk again.  Call me.”   Or if that’s too forward for you, “Hey I was just thinking how fun it was talking with you.  Want to talk again sometime?” 

You see, now that it’s been so long, you won’t come off as anything but cool and desirable!  And if he really was interested in you, he’s going to FLIP when he gets that call/text!

But now about the rest of what you wrote me.  If he is just a random flirt, that doesn’t say anything bad about you – he probably doesn’t flirt with people who don’t seem attractive to him.  And if he’s interested but nervous, that means you were totally exciting for him.  Neither one of those tells me that you’re not wantable or that love isn’t for you.

Believe me, if you want to feel that love isn’t for you, just try being a dog in a pound, where people walk past you every day not even noticing you because they want another breed, and you know that if you’re not chosen within five days you’ll be put to death!  That was my life, and while I’ve never believed I wasn’t wantable I was sure scared that I wasn’t wantable enough! 

But I was.  And ever since Handsome took me out of there, I’ve known that he wanted me more than anything in the world.

You’re not in the danger I was, but you’re in a bit of a pound.  And just like everyone else in this crazy year, you’re having way more trouble meeting people than you would have if things were normal. 

So I don’t know if this guy is ‘the real deal’ or not.  But love is for everyone.  Everyone is capable of it, and everyone deserves it.  So I know you are and do.

So give this guy another chance.  And if he doesn’t work out, just know that at the very least you’re fun to flirt with!  And that there will be more who will want to.

And if he does work out… well then you have only one important job to do:  LET ME KNOW!!  I’ll be so excited I’ll chase my tail for an hour!!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 Is it all right to still love an ex when you’ve moved on?

Lady Esther asks: I just got out of a relationship filled with intimacy because I felt I found someone who’ll make me happier. Two weeks after the break up, I started dating this new person and got intimate with him. But I feel I’m still in love with the old person. I don’t want to leave the new guy because he’s good and we also have a lot in common which is perfect for the future.
What am I to do now?

Hi Lady Esther –

So you sound a lot like me.  Or rather, like most of us pups.  You are able to love more than one person at the same time, and you feel love and appreciation for those who are good to you.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with that!

The problem you’re stuck with is that you can’t “have” both these people at the same time.  You are monogamous – or at least you believe that these people you like are! – and so you can’t just take them both as your intimate significant others.  

So here’s my question to you:  Can you live with your feelings, and just accept them?  Can you stay with this new person, who’s so great for you, and still be in love with your former mate… and just be okay with that?

This may sound a little morbid, but imagine what it would be like if your previous “main squeeze” had suddenly died for some reason. And then you connected with this person who actually treats you better; you’d likely stay in love with your late lover forever, right?  Of course the loss would be very sad, but other than that, you’d be okay, wouldn’t you?

I respect that you’re obeying the rules in your relationship, and not running back secretly to act on your love with your ex.  But just being in love with them, while moving forward in your life…  that just sounds intelligent to me.  

I love living with Handsome, and would never want to be anywhere else.  But I am madly in love with my boyfriend Kuma, who I only get to see occasionally on play dates.  And I’m also in love with a number of my human friends.  And I don’t want to change my heart at all – I love being in love with them all.  I also love being in love with mountains, with oceans, with squirrel-chasing, with pizza, with… oh it just goes on and on.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Lady Esther.  You just need to accept your heart, and let it be as big as it is.  And you’ll be fine.

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 Why would my boyfriend push me away when his life is difficult?

JuicyBest asks: My boyfriend has been having issues recently with his career, and his family angered him real bad.  I called to calm him down, but he answered me in a way I didn’t like.  I messaged him and said I pray he looks back one day and realizes he has a girlfriend that cares, but he replied that he’s not afraid of losing me.  Please, what does he mean by that?!

Hi JuicyBest –

I’m really sorry you have to go through this.  And I’m just as sorry for what he’s going through.  I don’t mean his career and family issues – I’m talking about something else.

Your boyfriend’s sounding to me like he’s going through a real depression.  Feeling low, angry, and out of touch with his own feelings about anything.  Everyone goes through these at times, but I’m seeing this everywhere lately, due to the pandemic lockdowns going on so much longer than anyone imagined.

When a person’s depressed, they’ll have other signs of it (not sleeping, or sleeping too much; sitting around not doing anything; etc.), but having job problems, and getting angry more easily than usual (even if it’s for perfectly valid reasons), are two of them. 

And one funny thing about depression is that it kind of likes to hold on to a person.  It whispers into their ear “I’m correct, so don’t let anyone talk you out of listening to me!”  And so, when you tried to calm him down, to make him feel better, Depression told him to push you away!  And then, when you reminded him that you care, Depression yelled louder “YOU DON’T NEED HER!  YOU JUST NEED ME!  TELL HER TO GO SNIFF A FIRE HYDRANT!!!” 

The really weird part of all this is that the reason he needed to push you away like that is because you matter to him.  If you didn’t, Depression might have suggested “Oh just be polite so she stops talking about this.” 

(Now I need to add, though you haven’t given me any reason to think this is the case, that addictions will do the same thing as Depression, just what I’ve been describing.  And if, say, he’s been drinking too much, it could be Alcohol whispering those same things into his ear.  In fact, addictive substances are often a way one tries to deal with Depression.  But in the long term using them for that always just make things worse.)

So the giant question here is what you should do.  And I don’t really have a good answer – it’s up to you.  Maybe you want to keep trying – to simply insist to him that he has a wonderful girlfriend who’s there for him and wants to help.  Maybe you want to step back but still be there for him when he’s ready to want you again.  And maybe you need to let him go, feeling that you deserve better than someone who doesn’t appreciate you.  Any of those might be the right thing to do, and that’s fully your decision.

The one thing I want you not to do, though, is to believe that you’re not lovable or wantable.  He’s going through a very bad phase, and that’s what’s making him push you away.  And nothing else.

Best of luck, whatever you choose!

Shirelle

4 Do Dogs Celebrate Holidays? – the importance of happiness

Every year around this time, I get asked if I celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Eid, or Diwali, or… and I always have the same answer:  I. Am. A. Dog.  I love watching you guys get excited about holidays, and I love any special food that celebrations might bring my way.  But I don’t have a religion, or a cultural heritage, that focuses me on any particular days.  That’s for you folks, and I support your choice to do or not do them fully.  Whatever makes you happy.

But this makes me think of something I heard someone say recently.  She was talking about how she tended to feel depressed a lot, and added, “I think I’m afraid to be happy.”  I thought that was a really profound and vulnerable thing to say, so I jumped up and licked her face till she turned red from giggling.  Which I guess made her at least a little happy, I hope.

But that line has stayed in my head ever since.  What a sad concept. And I wonder how common it is.

It’s totally normal for people to learn to protect themselves emotionally.  “Don’t get your hopes up” is a term I hear frequently.  And I can understand – if you let yourself get too optimistic about something that might not come true, the disappointment if it fails can hurt like blazes.

 But is that a reason to not let yourself get happy?

 Some people have a sort of supernatural belief, that says that if they’re too happy, some god or demon will get offended and make bad things happen to them.  I guess if you believe that, then, sure, happiness would be scary.

But do you?

And some people think it’s insulting to let yourself be happy when so many others in the world are suffering.

But do those suffering people really care about how you’re feeling right now?  Don’t they have other things to worry about?

Life isn’t perfect, and nobody’s happy all the time.  But when things are really good, I actually think it’s a sign of ingratitude, maybe even a sort of blasphemy, to not let yourself feel them all the way.  In fact, while I’m not in favor of repressing any emotion, wouldn’t it make more sense to hold yourself back from feeling sadness or anger or jealousy, instead of happiness, since those are a bit less convenient to the others around you?

But this leads to my real point:  Yes, I think you should let yourself be fully happy when things are great.  But why not also let yourself be mostly happy when things just aren’t bad?

 I was in the back seat of our car once, when Handsome stopped to talk with a parking lot attendant, who asked why he was so cheerful.  Handsome explained that that was because he was happy to see him.” 

“But you’re always so cheerful.  Every time I see you.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, you always seem happy.  How do you do that?  Life stinks!  It’s so stressful!”

And Handsome and I talked about that for the whole drive home.  That guy hit the nail on the head!  It’s not that life is always bad – it’s just always stressful.  And stress is just worrying about what might happen. 

So if you let yourself be happy when nothing bad is happening, then you’re likely to be happy about 99% of the time.  And yes, that 1% will still be bad.  Maybe horribly bad – wars and wildfires and floods and… yeah, pandemics! 

But the rest of the time, if nothing bad is happening, look out your window.  Birds are flying.  Trees are waving in the breeze.  Children are playing.  Dogs are joyously chasing animals with no hope of catching them.  A radio is playing fun music.  A couple is walking close together and one of them is nervously taking the other’s hand.  An airplane is flying passengers to somewhere they’ve never been, that they’ve wanted to see all their lives.  Worms are eating their way through the soil.  The sun is shining, even if you can’t see it.

And if you’re feeling low, so crummy that these lovely facts don’t help, then think about what’s funny out there.  A bird peed onto a lady’s hat.  A kid just told a joke that makes no sense to anyone.  A driver turned to look at someone sexy walking by and bumped into a tree.  And yes, a very serious gentleman is walking down a sidewalk, not seeing that a dog walked there before and took a stop to…

Or if even that doesn’t work, just think about someone you love.  Someone or something you’re just crazy about.  On my worst day, in all my misery, I can think about Handsome, and the fact that he exists, and I’m instantly a bit happier.  And I know that he does the same with me.  Lost his job?  Dumped by a girlfriend?  Stepped on a nail?  Yes, but Shirelle still exists, so there’s reason for joy!

But even that is more work than we dogs have to put in.  We don’t try at all.

And so you see, this is why dogs don’t have holidays.  Because we’re smarter than you in this one regard!  You need to have a day when you focus on family or gratitude or romance or remembrance.  But we celebrate every day.  Our smaller brains let us explode in awe at the sight of a sunrise, or the smell of morning dew, or the deep feel of the vibrations of the earth. 

And then we see you.  The people we love.  And we go even more crazed with joy.

So… scared to be happy?  I can’t even conceive of it – and that fact makes me even happier!

But for you guys, with your giant brains, I say: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Beautiful Solstice, and all the others. 

And most especially, with great optimism for these exciting vaccines…  HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you!  Oh I can’t wait to see what comes next!