Category Archives for "Scary Stuff"

0 How to find out the feelings of someone when you were afraid to tell her yours

rvineet_vr7 asks: I need a big favour from you. I loved a girl and proposed to her. She said no and told me she is committed. And after a month nearly she told me that it was a lie. One of our mutual friends liked her. So to avoid any fight she said so, though I was not convinced with it at all. Time passed and after 4 months we started meeting again due to common tuitions. We became best friends. One day she suddenly asked me if I still have feelings for her. I said yes. She asked if my feelings were genuine, I said yes but I don’t care if she commits with me or someone else (I don’t know why I said that too). She asked me for a final time if I really don’t care with a low voice, I said I’ll let her know tomorrow. Days and days passed and I wasn’t able to gather courage to tell her how much I love her. Then one fine day she told me she had been committed with someone for past 2.5 years. And she then left the tuition and me on my own. I was broken. Then I tried my level best to get her out of my mind but can’t. Don’t tell me with time I will heal because it’s been more than 3 years now. We are still in touch as we are neighbors and talk normally as if nothing ever happened. Please man I need a great help from you to revive me back to life because I know she is the best one for me.

Hi rvineet_vr7 –

What a sad sad story!  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  And yes, I’d love to see it go a better direction!

I can give you a suggestion, but of course I can’t guarantee it’ll work.

First of all, though, about what’s already happened:  You’re right, you should have told her the truth about your feelings.  But what you did makes sense – those feelings felt so delicate, and you didn’t know how she’d react to them, and so it was really scary.

It’s like when I was in the dog pound and every human who’d come by would look into the cage where I lived with four other puppies, and each time they walked past, not wanting us, it broke our hearts.  To the point where some of us just stopped trying; someone would walk by and the pup wouldn’t even look up.  And even when the human who eventually bought me, Handsome, first checked me out, he didn’t take me then; it was a couple of days later that he came back and took me.

But this wasn’t just another person who you wanted to love you – it was THE one.  So yeah, I wish you’d spoken up, but I get it.

And second – I don’t know that I trust her about this 2.5 year relationship.  She’d already told you it wasn’t true, and that she had just said it to protect your friend.  Then she asked you your feelings – numerous times – and then  she opened up and said it’s real?  Most people in committed relationships are very public about them – they talk about them all the time, change their Status on social media, all that stuff.  And she wouldn’t even keep the story straight?  So I think there’s something else going on.

Now what that something is, I don’t know.  It might be that she’s had someone in her life for all that time who she hasn’t felt all that committed to – and has considered leaving them for you or someone else, but now, since you’ve said you’re not all that interested in her (I know that’s not exactly what you said, but she probably heard it that way), she’s using it as a shield against being hurt.  Or it might be that there isn’t anyone at all, and she just says it when it suits her.

Either way, though, my advice to you is the same:  Continue reading

0 Is death the answer to the painfulness of life?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, is death the answer to all problems and sadness in life? I’ve always wanted to shut myself off to the world. I’m in pain for far too long and I think that’ll be the only way to maybe at least get over the pain.

Hi PERFECTION:

Quick answer to your question:  No.

Absolutely not, no way, impossible, forget it.

Now, now that I’ve said that, let me make one exception.  If you had a terminal disease, and were in constant awful pain, and only had a short time to live, it’s possible that I could agree that the best thing would be for you, in a way agreeable to your loved ones (and of course, only if in accordance with your religious/moral beliefs), to end your life sooner.  After all, that’s what you guys do with dogs, cats, horses, and so on, and that’s an act of love and kindness.

But if you’re young and healthy, the fact is that anything you did to end your life would cause more pain than you’ve ever experienced.  To more people than you even realize.

You see, when a person feels good about life, they feel some of the connection to everyone that we dogs feel all the time.  You open a door for a person you see needing it, you smile at little children because they make you smile, you see a car in a big hurry and let them cut in front of you.

But when a person feels depressed, empty, hopeless, or sad, they tend to feel completely disconnected.  Like no one sees them, no one cares about them, and they don’t care about anyone else.

The fact, PERFECTION, is that you are more connected to more people than you can begin to realize.

What would it do to you to find out that your neighbor killed himself?  Would you wonder if you could have done something to prevent it?  Even wonder if you were responsible in some way?

And what if that were your uncle?  Or your parent?  Or your brother or sister?

Or your own child?

I don’t know a lot about your life, PERFECTION (only that you ask great questions!), but I’m betting you have a Continue reading

0 What to do when someone wrongly rejects you for a medical condition

Casmir asks: Hey, hope I will get help and won’t be judged. I am gay and I have been in a discordant relationship with my boyfriend for the last six months. He loved me the way I am, though he came to know my HIV status before I could tell him, but he later was okay with it and loved me unconditionally. Well my viral loads have not been good of late and I was given three months to do the next one (this month was the last month) but lately I came to realize that I was not the problem; I have been taking the wrong medication for one year now and that is why my viral load went high. I was depressed and felt frustrated. On Sunday I called my boyfriend. He was at work. I told him how I felt, and he told me he is coming to see me. In a few minutes time he was at my place, so I shared how I felt, but what he said shocked me. He told that he feels like he is now at risk of getting HIV and he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I was so emotional that I couldn’t help it. He later went back to work. I was so depressed, hurt and in pain that I texted him, and later at night he called me and told me that he wants us to be friends, that nothing is gonna change apart from the intimacy part. I tried to stop him from making the decision but he said we should try it. I am not comfortable with the friendship thing, since it will hurt me more knowing that he is not my boyfriend but we still hang out together. I just don’t know what do. I am hoping that he will change his mind later on and decide to be together; maybe this was too much for him to take in, or is it because he is undergoing so much pressure at his work place that he just wants to break up (since we were on a relationship break we had finished one week). I am confused and desperate. Please help.

Hi Casmir –

I’m in a very difficult position here.  On one hand, you’ve dealt with a lot of unpleasant issues – you were born with a quality that a lot of the world stupidly and unfairly rejects, you got a terrifying medical condition, and you have been “friend-zoned” by someone you love.  All of these are just rotten, and you have every reason to feel bad about them.

Then on the other hand, you’ve just been told that the life-threatening disease you were told you had is actually a mis-diagnosis, and you’re fine, just suffering from some wrong medication.

But I don’t hear you jumping for joy over that one.  And you should be.

You should, my friend, be out of your mind with ecstasy about this.  YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!   You had been told you were dying and you’re NOT!

Now, do you still have a condition that’s hard to live with?  You sure do.  And you have to Continue reading

0 How to stay safe on a blind date

Reena asks: I just met a guy on Tinder three weeks back. It was barely two days of chatting and he asked to meet up. I was wary because, though Tinder is a dating app, 95% of the times you will find people there only looking for hook ups. So I decided to take it slow with this guy. Now, initially this guy was quite a Gentleman, showering me with compliments, initiating contact, no mind games, no ego issues, too good to be true I’d say. In a way, exactly what I was looking for. He also told me, ‘we have a connection, there’s a chemistry we have’ he said. But he has also admitted he is quite lonely. Then, in the past two weeks, his questions have been pretty sexual in nature: what I’m wearing, asking me to come home etc. While I am looking for a relationship, he has told me, “Lets just go with the flow.” I know what guys mean when they say this! However, it is also true that while men are just planning the 2nd date, women are planning their wedding. So I am just confused. I don’t know if this guy just wants me sexually or actually likes me. I know I like him, and he’s told me he likes me. I am paying attention to his actions, he chats with me pretty much the whole day. Messages me as soon as he wakes up and I’m the last person he talks to before he sleeps. My question is, should I give it a chance or run away like I usually do when I sense something is off? My brother advised to go on a first date at least and see how things are. If I don’t like him, then there’s no obligation to continue seeing him anymore. What do you suggest?

Hi Reena –

As you know, I am a VERY protective dog.  While I live for fun, my first priority is always the safety of you, my humans.

So while I’m not against internet dating (after all, that’s kind of how we met!), I care a lot about you protecting yourself when it comes to meeting someone from there.

Now I have no reason to trust this guy, or to not trust him.  He might be only interested in ‘one thing,’ as you suggest, or he may be looking for true romance, but trying to talk tough and cool when he writes you.  (It’s like when Handsome’s walking me and we see another dog, I might want to go sniff and play with the pup, but I’ll start barking and acting like I’m vicious just to look cool.)

My thought is kind of like Continue reading

0 Falling for someone who’s helping you through recovery

wxyz asks – I can’t get a girl. In the beginning of college, I became addicted to meth. This burden took away everything from me. Distanced me from society, friends, family. Finally I realized, I was trying to give up. Fighting alone with myself, nobody to support. I stopped going to college. Everyone there mocking me, ignoring me. Then sitting in the dark, I got her, got a person to talk. She became my rehabilitation. Yes! I am rehabilitating, but also to make myself up to her. Going to classes, trying to study, trying to come back. She is there always from long distance, watching me in college: what I am doing, where I am going, am I smoking and also am I eye-contacting with her or not. Can I hear something from you for me and her? Yes, I remember you saying to remind myself that she’s not mine. Can I say that I am hers?

Hi wxyz –

May I start by saying… WOW!  I am so impressed!  I’ve never had crystal methamphetamine, what’s commonly called meth (I’m such a hyper pup, Handsome won’t even allow me to taste coffee!), but from what I hear it’s one of the most addictive substances ever invented.  So the fact that you’re rehabilitating… I can only bow to you and say GOOD JOB – KEEP IT UP!!!

I only know a little bit about what people go through when they try to get over an addiction, but one rule I’ve often heard is that they shouldn’t get into a new romantic relationship too soon – that the work they’re doing to get over the drug is too difficult for them to also handle the difficulties of a new love.

So I’m going to give you a strong suggestion.  I say you should Continue reading

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

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Have you read it all?

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Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading

0 How to trust again after a boyfriend attacked you

Pennelope0214 asks: The guy I wrote you about finally made a move. We’ve talked about it, and he sometimes says it was spur-of-the-moment and sometimes says it wasn’t; and I find myself saying the same to him about my responding to it. But here’s the problem: I have been through an incident where my ex tried murdering me. He cut my throat and yet somehow I survived. So I am too scared to take that risk again. I have real feelings for this guy but it makes me sick to even think about getting into a relationship. This guy keeps on comforting me, asking me to come back as soon as possible. But how am I supposed to confront to him about the same? It’s going to break him. Even yesterday, on a call he said he would like to kiss me again and would give me that authority. I somehow managed to hang up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

What a horrible horrible experience! I am so sorry! You dropped it into your question so casually, too, like one of my friends saying “I had a human once who sometimes forgot to feed me, or get me my shots.” No, you’re talking about attempted murder – and an attempt that came awfully close to success! Of COURSE you’re afraid and cautious. How could you not be?!

Well, my friend, there’s only one solution here. You simply have to tell him. I’d say to do it on the phone so you can feel safe and distant, and he can feel free to react without you seeing him (If he’s as caring as my Handsome, he might well throw up there on the spot, as he’s probably getting quite smitten with that lovely – and so hurt – throat of yours).

Now this is going to bring up an odd issue. Lots of times I get letters from people who’ve been cheated on, or hit, and have trouble believing their new romance won’t do the same thing to them. But this is a very different case. Hardly anyone does what that other man did to you, Ever. So this guy’s job isn’t going to be so much to convince you he’s not a throat-cutter, as to work extremely hard to avoid doing anything that will trigger that awful memory in you.

I do understand that the subject is so awful you hate to talk about it, but the only way this relationship can possibly work is for him to know what happened. You don’t have to tell him any more details than you want, but once he knows this most important fact (the bit you’ve told me), he should be able to adjust every bit of the way he acts toward you accordingly.

If you haven’t already, I’d also urge you to go to a therapist to talk about your experience. Someone well-trained in trauma work, who can help you to move forward in your life from this nightmare. And maybe you can even bring this man in to meet with you and the therapist, to discuss ways to make your life – and lives – better.

Now if there’s anyone in your life who’s telling you that you need to just forget about what happened, or move on as if it never did – they’re simply mistaken. You’ll never not have the memory of this brutality.

But you can have someone devoted to protecting you from it. Not just from other murderous thugs, but from the terror you have suffered ever since.

And if all is as it appears – this could be that guy.

Give him a chance.

AND LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!

All my love,

Shirelle

0 How time feels different after a trauma

Salvatore asks: I have been facing this tiny problem that sometimes depresses me, so as I have come home from hostel to prepare for my 1st Professional, I thought of writing to you. I think too often about how quickly time flies…and it seems really abnormal due to: 1) how we all SCHOOL friends suddenly became UNIVERSITY going students, 2) how My mom’s 3rd death anniversary is this month though it feels like JUST yesterday she was among us, 3) one of my cousin got married last year, it feels so abnormal cuz we used to play together in our childhood (although she is 5 yrs older than me), and I always knew she was gonna get married way before me. But still it feels unreal how we all became adults from being just under 15 yrs old… It doesn’t feel normal that 4 yrs have passed since my Dad’s death and all the plants that he had planted in our lawn, are still ok and there… Why does time pass by so quickly… I can’t answer this question so could YOU help me understand if there is an abnormality with the time or with my way of processing things… I think in my brain I am standing at the same place I was 7,8 yrs ago while everyone around HAS changed.

Hi Salvatore –

I have to admit, I have a very poor sense of time. All dogs do. That’s why, when you’ve been gone from our house for two hours, we go nuts upon seeing you return – we have no idea how long you’ve been gone, and weren’t sure you were ever coming back!

When you’re young, you humans have a similar sense of time to ours. Remember when you were a little child and you couldn’t understand even the concept of it being a year till your next birthday, or how long a schoolday lasted? Well some of this is because, when you’re that young, a year (or a day) is such a big chunk of your life. But it’s also because your brain hasn’t fully developed. In fact, a sense of time is usually the last part of a human’s brain to develop in their adolescence (you might be finding that you’re more able to schedule your schoolwork now than you were a year or two ago; that’s why – your brain is actually more able to conceive of such things than it was. And far more so than mine will ever be. Isn’t that cool!).

So your sense of time would be changing at this age, no matter what.

Then there’s your recent transition. Starting a university life will change anyone’s sense of time’s movement – you move away from your old friends, and they stay the same in your mind, while their lives move on, they age, they change, etc.

But then there’s of course a far bigger reason for you, in particular, to be having this sort of confusion. And that’s the horrible experiences you went through over the past few years.

Some time back, I was in the back seat of a car that Handsome was driving, and he made a small mistake, and the car suddenly spun out of control across the highway, when we were going around 80 miles an hour (that’d be about 120 kilometers). It was amazing that neither of us was killed.

(Quick note here: the main reason I wasn’t killed was that Continue reading

0 How to get through auditioning for something you really want

Vanessa asks: I just got the chance to audition for Disney. I want to go and live out my dream, but I’m worried about being rejected. What do I do?

Hi Vanessa –

Isn’t this always the way?  The more we want something, the more scared we are of not getting it, because that rejection hurts so much!  But still – we want to try, because we want it so much. So we go kind of nuts!

So I get it.  Other auditions are a nice little dog treat, and this one’s a barbecued steak!

So I can’t tell you not to be worried, but I can say that the more you reduce that fright – especially when you get up to audition – the better you’ll feel, and the better you’ll do.

But how?

The first – and most important – thing for you to know about this is that Stage Fright is the most common greatest fear in the human race.  Let me clarify what I mean: when people are asked in surveys “What is your greatest fear,” and there are answers like illness, death, and losing all your money, they answer “Public Speaking” more often than anything else!

We dogs don’t have as big a problem with this, because we don’t have self-awareness and self-consciousness in the way humans do (simply because our brains are smaller).  But I sure see humans freaking out about it a lot, so I can offer you a few suggestions to help you with it (try them out and see which ones work for you, and don’t worry about the Continue reading

0 What to do when it seems everyone’s against you

BVB Army writes: It’s been nearly a year now since I’ve sent an email, and right now I don’t know what else to do. Basically this year has been absolute crap. I don’t know where to start. In September it was OK, me and my friends were close, we went to each others houses nearly every week, we talked about anything and everything. I loved it but my mom obviously didn’t, she hates my friends and I don’t even know why; they’re the nicest people on earth! Because one of my friends has family issues, she thinks she’s a bad influence (because she does what she wants). And when I came home from school and my mom asked me if I hung out with my friends and I obviously said yes, she got really mad at me. And then her main goal was trying to stop me hanging out with my friends, so she stopped letting me go to their houses or letting them come over. I literally begged and she wouldn’t budge and that’s when my year started getting bad. I felt trapped in my house like a prisoner and I felt like I was constantly being watched in school because every time I came home my mom somehow knew who I had been with and what we were doing. It was scary and I cried so much back then. I couldn’t take it so I started sneaking out in the middle of the night to get away. It was great and they still haven’t found out about it. Then there was a 5sos concert coming up and that was the band me and my friends had in common, so my friend booked the tickets and told us the next day and it was soo awesome, but when I asked my mom if I could go, she said no and blamed my friends because she they booked the tickets and that’s not true because I’ve always wanted to got a concert but only had the guts to ask this year. Also this year I took your advice and tried talking to my mom a bit more but it always ends in tears because either I say something about something and she gives me a lecture and I get annoyed at her, or I start saying my opinions and she hates them and then we don’t talk. I hate that she brings religion up because she’s not that religious, but always brings up beliefs and stuff. I can’t stand listening to them because I’m Atheist (she doesn’t know that though; if she did I’d probably be disowned!). And the fights were regular and it was annoying. I hated fighting but I also hated backing down. Before I was quiet, but now that I actually want to be heard, no one is listening to me. She blamed my friends for the fights so I stopped hanging out with them; I just gave in to her because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I felt like crying nearly everyday and music was my only outlet, but that got taken away from me as well, and I couldn’t talk to my friends or my mom would know, but then I stopped caring and started talking again to my friends. But they changed –especially my best friend. She’s angrier and she never talks to me anymore and it hurts because I helped her through bad times when we were in year 7 and 8, listening to her problems and supporting her, but now she doesn’t really say much and hangs out with her other friends, which I don’t mind but it hurts really badly. At one point it was all too much and I overdosed on some pills, but I told my friend and she looked online to help me and it did help. But I’ve been regretting actually staying alive because I feel like I cause problems in my home. I’ve been contemplating it again because no one cares anymore – even I don’t! In school I have not cared about anything and I’ve probably failed all of my tests and I have no motivation to go further. My mom’s always busy with her work. I hate her job – it’s stupid and it annoys me because she doesn’t even look after my two-year-old brother properly and I have to do it and I hate it (but I love my baby brother). My mom doesn’t even take interest in my work or the stuff I like; she looks down upon it. I like creative things like drawing or writing, but they’ve never seen them (except my dad who accidently read a poem I wrote, but he called it a stupid rhyme, which hurt me a lot because I pour my heart and soul in to my poems and songs, and I write them whenever I want to cut, but they’ve become darker and more insane-sounding. I don’t know what to do because I can’t feel anything and my life at home is a lie. I have to fake everything because, if I don’t, bad things will happen. I need some advice!

Oh BVB Army!

I’m very glad you wrote me, more than I can say.  But at the same time, I might make you feel bad about it because I have to tell you, my heart HURTS from reading this!  It’s like someone stuck a couple of knives into it.  This letter is so sad, and so frustrating, and so frightening.

So why am I telling you this?  Because my dear friend, you are stuck in a place where you aren’t able to realize how much you matter to others.  Your parents might be doing a rotten job of parenting right now, but I’ll bet they care more about you than even they realize.  And that friend who saved you when you took those pills?  That friend LOVES you.  And so do those other ones you sneak out to see.  You matter a LOT to them.  You’re in their hearts, just as your letter got you into mine.

And so I am sitting up and BEGGING you, BVB Army, to never ever ever try something like that overdosing again.  You have no idea how many people you have who would be devastated by it.  I mean, truly, it would be the worst experience they’ve ever known.  And they’d never get over it.

Now I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty.  I just want you to realize how, even when your parents are being complete boneheads, you matter.  In fact, their behavior only tells me about them, and not about you at all.

So I know you’ve taken my advice before about trying to speak to them, get conversations going, and you say that simply didn’t work (it even made things worse).  Okay, then I want you to do something else.  I want you to Continue reading