Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to deal with a boyfriend ignoring you

brena asks: I am lacking my boyfriends attention. He hardly texts or calls me. We are on a VIP text plan that gives us unlimited text for a month, but if I get ten texts from him in those days I am lucky. This has been going on for a long time now, and has reached the point where I have thought about cheating on him just to get a little attention. I really do love him and I know he loves me – whenever I tell him the way I feel he says he will change, and just for a day or a few hours he does, but then the same thing takes place. There is a lot more but I just can’t bother to write it all out. He spends more time with his friends than me. I am lonely and confused I just want a little love and affection! I was at church and I found out that a younger boy likes me. I was so happy that someone still likes me and looks at me and smiles – that shows I am beautiful and I’ve still got the looks to steal a boy’s heart! I love my boyfriend so much I won’t cheat on him, but I really need the love and the attention – without that this relationship can’t work. Maybe I just want to stop speaking to him? I can’t bother with the way he treats me!

Hi brena –

Once, a few years back, my friend Handsome got extremely busy on a work project.  He only came home enough to sleep, every day for three weeks.  And even after that, he was gone twelve or more hours a day.  It was just awful for me.

The first few days were intolerable.  I was so lonely!  I would sit around the house, wondering why he didn’t like me or care about me anymore.  But then I noticed something – rats!  Our neighbor had rats in their yard.  And at times, they would run on power lines from their yard into others, through our yard.  And they’d go through our trees!

Now what was really interesting about this is that I never could tell if there was a rat in our trees.  It wasn’t like I could see them in there.  So whenever even a slight breeze would blow the leaves, I would assume a rat was there, and jump as high as I could to try to see, and catch, it.  And this was a windy time of year, so I spent most of my day jumping, trying to catch one.

It was so fun doing this that, even when Handsome would come home, exhausted, for his few hours sleep, I was completely obsessed with rat-hunting, and wouldn’t pay that much attention to him!  Yes, the guy who I’d been pining over for days!

As his schedule started to improve, though, he wanted to spend more time with me (He’d actually missed me!).  And I’d start to get re-attached to him, but then he’d leave again, or get all “I’m too busy on the phone” on me.  All that kind of stuff.

Finally, he had a day off.  And both of us were overjoyed to have a day together.  We slept in, and he made breakfast and shared it with me, he put on music we both liked, and all seemed great.  And then he settled himself down onto the floor, with a big pile of mail, to do paperwork, and promptly ignored me.

I was furious!  I had put up with so much, and now he was going to do this?!  So I did the one thing I could think of.

In those days, he had a white couch.  And I was allowed anywhere in the house except on it, because my dirty paws would discolor it.  So on this day, ignored, I walked over to the couch, and, watching him intently, climbed onto that couch and sat on it.  Saying as clearly as if I had a human mouth, “So are you gonna pay attention to me now?!”

Handsome was shocked, and yelled at me to get off of it.  But then he realized what was going on, and laughed at us both, and said, “Okay, knucklehead.  Let’s go back outside.”

We went out into the back and did the single thing we most needed to do:  We PLAYED.  We played catch, we played tag, we ran and tumbled and chased each other and tug-of-warred, and re-built the connection we’d lost a little of.  It wasn’t that Handsome hadn’t cared, or hadn’t loved me.  He’d just gotten so wrapped up in his work that he’d lost touch with how much he needed to connect with me – in a doggy way!

Okay, why am I telling you this long story?  Because everything you’re telling me about this boyfriend reminds me of how I felt while Handsome was off working.  But what I don’t know is: is your boyfriend just consumed by something, as Handsome was?  Or is he truly not caring enough to pay attention to you?

If it’s the first, then I suggest you go stand on his couch!  But if it’s the second, then it’s time for you to think, very strongly, about how you want and deserve to be treated.  Maybe you think you’re being silly, and all is really fine.  Or maybe you think you want to spend the rest of your life being treasured and honored and noticed.  And if so, maybe this isn’t the boy to do that.  Maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy – and should be with someone else.  Someone who doesn’t care about getting lots of attention.  (Or, more likely, maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy, who needs to learn what a relationship really needs!).

So what’s his “couch?”  What sort of test can you give him, to see if he cares, or really doesn’t?  Can you ignore him a little, and see how he responds?  Can you treat him the way he treats you, and see how he likes it?  Can you make a point of making sure he sees you flirting with other boys?!

And if you do something like this, see how he reacts.  Does he go “Oh!  I need to work harder to keep brena!  I hate feeling like I’m not important to her!”  Or does he shrug and say “Oh well, she wasn’t all that important to me anyway”?  Or does he get angry and mean (which might mean it’s best to break up with him, since that sort of behavior you definitely don’t deserve!)?

Whatever it is, you’ll learn some truth about him then.  And when you do, that will point you the way to go.

And who knows?  Maybe he acts in a way that makes you break up with him, and THEN he begins to realize how important you are to him, and he starts to ‘step up’ and give you what you deserve.  That’d be great too!

Whatever it is, brena, it’s time for you to determine, for yourself, what your worth is.  And once you do, you’ll know what risks are worth taking.  Maybe risking losing a guy who doesn’t treat you right.

Or, in my case, risking getting really yelled at about getting on that couch!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to control yourself without hurting people

Dubmom asks: How do you control yourself without hurting people?

Hi Dubmom –

I’m not sure I’m understanding your question exactly – are you asking how one can control themselves in order not to hurt people, or are you asking how to control yourself, but not hurt anyone in so doing?

If it’s the first, this was a huge issue for the first few years of my life.  I was a big, very strong, and very excitable pup.  I loved Handsome with all my heart, but something would grab my attention and I’d forget all about him, for example the time he parked his car on a steep hill, and as we were working our way down it, with me on a leash, I saw a dog and lunged to play with it, and pulled Handsome off his balance so he slipped, fell over a high curb, scraped up his face and damaged one arm so badly he couldn’t straighten it out for days.  Now I didn’t choose to do that to him; I never would.  But I lost control for a second, and did it – I hurt him.

The only solution I know for that is to mature, to pay more attention, and to prioritize.  So that, if that situation happened again, instead of pulling to get to that other dog, I’d whine to let Handsome know I wanted to be let off the leash.  If he agreed to it, great, I’d get to run to that other dog.  If not, I’d know he’d let me off once it was safe.  But I had to make our safety the priority, which means I needed to Think First.

Again, that mostly comes through maturity, through living and learning tough lessons.  You’ll note – even adult humans who pride themselves on being rebellious and uncontrolled don’t run into busy streets without looking!  They’ve learned that lesson over time!

But I’m more intrigued by this other way of reading your question.  How often we see people doing things to control themselves, which actually hurt others!

Most often I think it’s just Continue reading

0 Should you tell someone you have a crush on them when they’re away?

Lil Chen asks: I like this boy and I wanna confess to him,– he’s two years younger than me but more mature – but he won’t be back till Christmas or Summer. Should I tell him straight up through Facebook or do I wait? I can’t talk to someone when they’re right in front of me cuz I get really nervous, especially with confessions (though this will be my first ever confession). Please help me.

Hi Lil Chen –

Oh that’s frustrating!!  But I’m not sure I see why there’s such a hurry to confess your feelings to him.  I’m all for openness, and I know there’s nothing that feels better than to splash your love right into someone’s face (you humans do that with words – I do it with a big-tongue lick right across their mouth and nose!).  But in this case, I worry that it might be a bit risky.  If he’s not happy to hear it, and either ignores you or writes back that he doesn’t share your feelings, then you’re going to probably feel bad.  And if he is happy to hear it, and says he feels the same way about you, then you’re apart from each other for six months, but not able to go out and meet other people because you’ll be kind of committed to each other.  And then, what if one of you Continue reading

0 How to get a child’s father to pay child support

annezach asks: I am the single mom of a 7-month-old. Unfortunately the father doesn’t take responsibility, at least for financial support, and his parents don’t either. What should I do so that they will support the baby? Should I ask them or should I ask the government to handle this case?

Hi annezach –

I really hate hearing things like this.  As you might know, I was abandoned by my parents, and was adopted by a human from a pound when I was three months old; and if he hadn’t shown up when he did, I’d have been a goner.

Plus, as a dog, I’m extremely loyal.  So I have trouble understanding people who become parents, but then don’t want to support or take care of their own children.

But the father in this case doesn’t sound like he wants nothing to do with the kid.  Instead, he just doesn’t want to pay for it.  Which is a tiny bit better… but only a tiny bit.

Sometimes fathers don’t want to pay child support because they feel like they’re giving money to the mother, instead of to the child.  But even then, they really should do it.  It’s the kid who’s getting punished by their not paying what they should.

So you’re asking how to go about getting him to pay up?  I’m no expert on law, and don’t even know where you live, but I would suggest that Continue reading

0 How to forgive yourself for getting your heart broken

Eazyman asks: I am a 20-year-old guy, in love with my cousin. When she was 17, she asked my number from her father and started chatting with me, telling me she loved me. I thought it was right to tell her the truth, that I had a crush on her, since she seemed to be on the same page with me. We were living in different towns by then, so we used to send each other photos (she has always said I was handsome). She used to beg me to pay her a visit, telling me she wanted me closer to her, but now that we are finally living in the same city she seems to be rejecting me. She treats me like a ordinary guy and not like a lover. I tried to talk to her about it, but she took it as some kind of joke. I am now feeling terrible. I can’t forgive myself for telling her I was in love with her, I feel like a fool. Please help me forgive myself.

Hi Eazyman –

Humans are so funny.  Here you tell us this painful story, where you opened your heart to this girl who you trusted and believed in.  And she gave you every reason to trust and believe in her.  But that then, when you were able to live in the same area, she got distant and broke your heart.  And you’re asking me to help you forgive… yourself!

You see, to my doggy mind, you did nothing wrong.  You lived your life, you acted based on your heart, and you gave nothing but love.  So what’s to forgive?  That’s the best way to live!

So I think there are, instead, three things you need to do, to get past all this rotten embarrassment, and move on in your life.

The first is to Continue reading

0 How do I know if I’m a psychopath?

arjai101 asks: I read a book on psychopaths a few months ago. I learned about all of the characteristics and the development of the definition and diagnosis on psychopaths. However, when I read this book I couldn’t help but notice that I possessed several of these characteristics. More curious, I took several test on psychology websites and most of them suggested that I might be a sociopath. In fact, I scored 97% higher than the average person. When I started telling people about the research I had done they started to point out that my way of thinking and personality highly resembled a psychopath. They say that if you’re worried about being a psychopath that you aren’t one. But I don’t think I’m worried I feel more curiosity than anything. I’ve been asking you for advice for quite a while now. Do you think that I am psychopath? If so, how should I deal with this?

Hi arjai101 –

Psychopaths and Sociopaths are both people who have something called Antisocial Personality Disorder.  The difference between them seems to be about how they interact with others.  But fundamentally, they both have this condition, which is marked by complete disregard of the rights of others, a lack of conscience, and criminal and aggressive behavior.

Is this really you?

Let me make this clear.  Every person, and every dog, in the world, has some aspects of APD.  Each of us can also get depressed, can get kind of manic, can explode in anger, and can hear things that aren’t really there (haven’t you noticed those times we pooches will start barking furiously at what you can clearly see is nothing?!).  And each of those is the hallmark of a serious mental disorder.

The issue with these diagnoses is that Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in love with two people

ehaose asks: I’m in love with two guys and they both promised to marry me. A is very understanding – he is in the same class as me and an A student. He wants to be a doctor when he finishes school. When we have free time we like to take a walk in the park. The only problem with him is he comes from a poor family. B drives a Jeep, and is a manager at his company. He has three houses, buys me expensive gifts, and takes me to very expensive restaurants. He wants to marry me next month, but wants us to have sex on his birthday to prove I love him – and that’s next week.

Hi ehaose –

Wow, this sounds like one of those novels with a cover showing a beautiful woman on a horse, being held by a handsome shirtless man with gigantic pecs. The rich man and the poor man both love her, both are amazing, and she’s torn as to what to do.

In the novels, I believe she usually goes for the guy from the poor family. But I’m not saying to do that – just pointing out what the novelists say!

I’m going to say something a bit less romantic instead.

You say you’re in love with both these men. Yet when you told me about them, you never said a word about their Continue reading

0 What to do about cutting

lettersdontfade asks: I’m in love (I think I am) with a guy that works outside of my country. He used to work in city I live in, but he’s taking a risk (because it’s his dream job to work outside of my country) and works there. It’s been 4 months since I’ve seen him. I can’t call him my boyfriend, because he’s obviously not. He’s got a girlfriend here, in this country. But before everything we’ve been through, he said that he and his girlfriend haven’t talked since he left. A couple months before, he asked me for a nude picture, which I refused to give him, and he said that he’s proud of me because I didn’t want to gave him the pictures. Later that evening, he asked me one more time and I said no – and he got mad at me. He doesn’t show his disappointment, but I can feel through the text he sent me. Then, I sent him the pictures, and gave his picture (but not nudes) and it lasted for like 1 or two months. Just so you know, we argue a lot, but it only lasts for a couple of hours and then we’re okay with it. And one more thing that you should know, he hates it when I leave him (“leave” meaning when I don’t tell him that I fell asleep, or if I’m doing something and it takes a lot of time to reply his text. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I got into a fight with him because I “left” him. I tried to call him and explain, but he refused it. I was so angry and I said, “oh maybe you had a lot of chicks beside you so you didn’t give a damn about me,” and he’s angry about it too and then we didn’t talk for six days because the wifi didn’t work on my phone. On day six, I fixed my phone so that the wifi could work, and then I received his text saying that he missed me. I talked to my friend about this and asked for her opinions, and she said not to answer it till later. About one hour later, I answered it, and then we’re like getting back together, and I was trying to push all of my feelings down so that I’ll be okay if he leaves. And I think that was the first day I cut myself. Until now, we haven’t argued, and we haven’t sent any nudes to each other. All of my friends say that I should leave him because he’s only taken advantage of me, but I still love him so I couldn’t do that. Yesterday, I got really mad at him because he wasn’t paying any attention to me, just like before. I asked him this afternoon if he want to text or not, and he said “idk,” so I decided to leave him (saying “you might want to be alone for awhile, and we can chat later”). Then about five hours later I hadn’t gotten any text messages from him, so I decided to text him. He didn’t reply for a long time. Once he replied, I asked him why he’d taken so long, and he said “idk.” I don’t know why he’s acting like this. Do you think that he’s taking advantage of me? He said he loved me, but why is he doing this? His best friend told me that he once cheated on his girlfriend, and I instantly burst into tears. I really want to believe in him. I really want to make this work somehow. I’m too in love with him. Do you have any suggestions of how I can stop thinking of him so much? If I could just delete all of my feelings toward him I would!

Hi lettersdontfade –

Okay, I’m going to give you two answers.  The second is in response to about 99% of your letter.  And it’s important, but not nearly as important as the first one.

The first one is about cutting.

I know you’re in a lot of pain, and I know that cutting can help with that, in the short term.  But let me say with every doggy fiber in me – you need to stop doing it.  Now.

Many people – most often teenagers – find that they get a pleasurable sensation from cutting their skin.  Usually it happens because they are depressed and feel numb in their lives, so there’s a good feeling from the pain of the cuts.  It’s like how good it feels to scratch an itch – where you’re actually causing yourself more pain in a sense, but it gives you pleasure –magnified.  And we dogs know how good scratching an itch feels!  We do it all the time!

But, the difference between cutting and scratching an itch is that cutting is extremely dangerous.  Even potentially lethal.

In order to stop cutting, there are much safer techniques one can use to get similar feelings.  Some people Continue reading

0 What to do when a friend thinks you’ve insulted them

awesome101 asks: I’m having friendship issues. My friend took something I said the wrong way. She thought I called her fat, but I meant buff. And buff is different from fat because buff means that you’re just strong and built well, it has nothing to do with being fat. But she is mad at me because she thinks I was talking behind her back and I feel awful. I apologized to her over and over again but she just ignores me. I feel absolutely terrible. 🙁 Please tell me what to do. Thank you so much.

Hi awesome101 –

I have seen this situation at all sorts of extremes.  At the mildest, someone thinks their friend said something, the friend says “Oh no, I said _________,” the person accepts that, and everyone moves on well.  At the worst, I’ve seen friendships completely destroyed because one friend is convinced the other one said something horrible about them, no matter how much the other insists they never did or would.  It sounds like you’re right in the middle between these.  And I’m sorry, because that’s still a tough place to be.

One issue here is very important to state:  This would never happen if your friend felt Continue reading

0 What to do if a guy threatens to fake nude pictures of you online

Lily the kitten asks: I started talking to this boy on the hot or not app and added him on snap chat. I snapped him my face and nothing else. He keeps asking for nudes. He has a screenshot of my face and says if I don’t send nudes of me he is going to put pictures of naked girls next to my face on Facebook and say they are me. I don’t know what to do!

Hi Lily the kitten –

This is a great question. We worry a lot about what creeps might do on the Internet, and here’s a great example of what can happen.

I have one question for you first: Do you know him on Facebook? Does he know your Facebook name, or have either of you friended the other? I have two answers for you, and one is if you don’t have any Facebook connection, while the other is if you do.

But in either case, there’s one very important issue here. This guy is a creep. He is harassing you in ways that are awful and (depending on your age and where you live) possibly illegal. Whatever happens, you want to cut him out of your life.

Okay, so first, if you have no connection on Facebook… Continue reading