ehaose asks: I’m in love with two guys and they both promised to marry me. A is very understanding – he is in the same class as me and an A student. He wants to be a doctor when he finishes school. When we have free time we like to take a walk in the park. The only problem with him is he comes from a poor family. B drives a Jeep, and is a manager at his company. He has three houses, buys me expensive gifts, and takes me to very expensive restaurants. He wants to marry me next month, but wants us to have sex on his birthday to prove I love him – and that’s next week.
Hi ehaose –
Wow, this sounds like one of those novels with a cover showing a beautiful woman on a horse, being held by a handsome shirtless man with gigantic pecs. The rich man and the poor man both love her, both are amazing, and she’s torn as to what to do.
In the novels, I believe she usually goes for the guy from the poor family. But I’m not saying to do that – just pointing out what the novelists say!
I’m going to say something a bit less romantic instead.
You say you’re in love with both these men. Yet when you told me about them, you never said a word about their actual qualities. You didn’t tell me about their kindness or lack of it, their senses of humor, their generosity or stinginess… you said that one takes long walks with you and the other buys you nice things, but how do they make you feel?
Marriage is a gigantic commitment, and you’re right to pay attention to issues like whether or not there will be a roof over your head once you marry a guy. But both of these men sound like they’ll be able to provide good livelihoods (one by being a doctor, and the other with the money he already has), and, more importantly, you’re also promising to give your love to only that man for the rest of your life. And although you say that you’re in love with both, I wonder if what’s actually going on is you feeling, joyously, the love that they have for you – and mistaking it for your own love.
If you’re feeling the same about both of them, then I don’t think it’s fair for you to marry either one. A year or so in, when things get difficult (and they always do, even in the best marriages), you’ll start to regret that you didn’t go for the other one – I can almost promise! For now, I’d suggest you keep just the relationship you have with each of them, and see where your heart goes over time.
In the short term, though, I do have one strong urge for you – don’t next week, and don’t ever, have sex with someone to “prove” something. The fact that this guy even asked that makes me question whether he’s seeing you as just another commodity, as if making love was the same as collateral on a loan.
Listen, ehaose, I’m a dog. I absolutely adore hundreds of people and dogs. When I see them, I’m thrilled to a point that I can’t control my behavior – I jump over fences, I jump on them when they beg me not to, I just loooooove them! But I also have this one guy, Handsome, who’s my Special love. And no one else can ever take his place. Even my super-nice neighbors who take care of me when he’s out of town and give me way more treats than he does! Yes, even they don’t have the same place in my heart where he resides.
You’re living a glorious experience that most women have to fantasize about with novels and movies and TV shows. You’re like the woman after the Civil War torn between the noble soldier and the sexy rascal, or the high school girl torn between the vampire and the werewolf, or the one on TV who loves the US President but always seems to be torn between him and some other very good-looking powerful man! You Are Living The Dream!
Enjoy it. Love the experience, and know that someday you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren about how amazing it is. But hold off, so that maybe you’ll be sitting with their grandfather while you tell these stories, and holding his hand – the hand you’ve held in rapturous joy for decades and decades, because he truly was The One you’d waited for.
All My Best,