Category Archives for "Relationships"

1 How to meet a stranger you’re attracted to

messier asks: During the past several months, during my morning jog, I’ve exchanged smiles and hellos with an attractive young woman as she stands at her bus stop. I know she lives two blocks down from my street, but I do not know her name, address, or phone number. Also I do not know anybody we have in common in the neighborhood I could ask about her. I wish she could see me in dress clothes instead of morning jogging clothes! Can you think of any other ways I could “coincidentally” bump into her? Approach strategies?!

Hi messier –

Ooh, what a fun question!  Do you know the old song “Bus Stop” by the Hollies?  Might be worth a listen, since it’s kind of what you’re describing (except there aren’t any jogging clothes in the song!).

Now of course I don’t know your neighborhood, so I don’t know exactly what’s there.  But just from what you’ve told me, I do have two ideas.  The first is, one day, to have Continue reading

0 How to grieve the end of a romance

Hermuda asks: At the beginning of this year, I got dumped by the boyfriend whom I was madly in love with. We were very loving towards each other and we loved to play and fool around with each other. I was so much in love with him that it got to the point I’d actually trust him in stealing my innocence in bed. During the first month of our breakup, I was a major wreck. I skipped meals, my grades dropped, my sleeping schedule went whack, I lost interest in everything I loved to do, I had constant suicidal thoughts, and I ignored most of the friends I was extremely close to. I’ve had a handful of boyfriends before him, but never before have I actually done something like that. It never bothered me before when I lost a boyfriend, but during the first month of our break-up, I was breaking down whenever he ignored and walked past me. But now, we are close friends and we both have normal teenage conversations with each other. The only problem is, while he brags about how much he’s in love with a girl he met, I’m walking right next to him thinking about how I wished we were still in a mutual relationship. I was so determined to get over him that I actually decided to help him in trying to hook up with the new girl he’s trying so hard to get. Now that I know he’s happily close friends with the girl, I’m supposed to be happy for him, but no. I’m actually extremely mad and jealous and heart-broken. My friends are doing their part in trying to get me to let him go. Taking me to parties, giving me some of their advice, making me join social groups, occupying me with all the fun activities we used to do, sometimes even giving me rewards for ignoring him (and a penalty for talking to him) but nothing ever seems to work. I can’t get over him. I meet guys who try to hit on me, but none have actually caught my attention. I’ve never held on to my feelings for someone for more than three months before and it really hurts a lot. I want to let go of my feelings for him, but everything everyone has been telling me to do just never worked. Sometimes, I’m even afraid of letting him go. My friends are still trying, but I’m very certain that everyone’s on the verge of ripping their hair out. I’ve sent myself to student services a number of times, but their advice doesn’t really work out for me. So now, I’m turning to you. Please, help me, Shirelle. I want to move on, but I’m still bound to a part of life that holds me back from everything, even my dreams. I want to fulfill my dream, but I can’t when I’ve tossed everything away to regain what is now a memory. I want to be free.

Hi Hermuda –

Before I say anything else, I have to say, this is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt, and poetic letters I’ve ever received.  While your story made me go outside and howl at the moon in chorus with all the lonely heartbroken souls of eternity, it was also your writing that affected me so.  I hope you’re taking your talent seriously – you could easily become a famous novelist or poet!

But you didn’t write me for literary criticism.  So let’s get on to this very difficult situation.

First of all, I’m just so sorry.  I know, it’s very very hard to move on after a breakup.  Especially with a truly special love like this, who just gets into your mind and heart, and haunts you like a ghost.

It’s great that you have good, loyal, and imaginative friends.  And I’m not the one to tell you to disregard any of their specific advice:  Date other guys, or avoid all guys, or take a vacation, or dye your hair a new color…  I can’t tell you that any of these are right or wrong.  I don’t even disagree with your staying friends with him, unless it’s hurting you too much.

The fact is – you just have to get through this time.

What you’re experiencing is actually the Continue reading

0 What to do if a boy hits a girl in fun

prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently had an encounter with a boy slapping me in the face. I did hit him back and just assumed he was just playing. I told my mom about only to find out that she told my grandma and my dad. I told my mom as a way to bond with her and let her know I’m trying to be more open with her and it was only supposed to between her and me. How do I explain this to my mom nicely and how do I tell my dad I don’t want to talk about it with him?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’re dealing here with two problems.  One is with your actual relationship with the boy.  The other is about how different people see certain actions.

With the boy, it sounds like you’re feeling okay about what happened.  I’ll allow that, though I will say that I get a bit concerned about a boy who thinks it’s “just playing” to hit a girl.  When I play with other dogs, it’s very rough, as you can probably guess.   But we have some very specific rules.  One is that if one of us yelps, the other pulls back right away.  Another is that, if one of our humans tells us to stop, we have to stop (at least for a second!).  The problem I’m having is that most boys have a similar rule, to never hit a girl.  So the fact that he slapped you, even in play, means he’s playing by a different set of rules.  And I don’t know what they are.  I certainly don’t want to see a wonderful girl like you in a relationship where it’s considered “okay” for you two to be hitting each other (eventually it wouldn’t be fair to you, just by the nature of the way boys’ arms and shoulders are built).  So I’d really like you to feel like you could talk to him about it – maybe to say “That was okay, and I made it even, but don’t ever hit me again – it won’t be okay next time.”  Something like that.  If you do that, and he respects what you say, all is fine.  (And if he doesn’t, I hereby give you the right to get your friends together to pound him!)

Now, about your parents:  It’s impossible for a kid or a dog to understand the way our Continue reading

0 Should a person tell someone they’re bisexual?

alpet asks: I’m a 32-year-old bi guy more on the gay side, sexually speaking. I’d like to have your advice on my story: Ten days ago, my brother’s wife introduced me to her classmate, 9 years my junior. We met again just the two of us. I like her, and so does she — that’s what she told my sister-in-law. So, I’m thinking of taking this further, but I feel insecure due to the following: I am less experienced with females, physically/sexually speaking. Two unsuccessful casual encounters with complete strangers, and one with a girl I started dating a year ago. I normally don’t get super-attracted to women unless there’s some intimate contact already happening. So I feel torn between the urge to continue dating (and why not) going toward a serious relationship with her, and my insecurity that there won’t be this physical/sexual fulfillment between us, in the long run. Should I, so, continue dating, and get physically intimate, and see what happens? Should I also take a break from casual contact with males? P.S. We live in a conservative society, so a male’s bisexuality is not welcome by the opposite sex.

Hi alpet –

I really appreciate your openness about this, especially given what you say about your society.  But the answer I give you will have nothing to do with your orientation at all.

You see, I’m a dog.  And we dogs have a reputation that we absolutely deserve, of, when we see someone or something we like, running up and absolutely covering it with excitement and desire and hunger.  We don’t remotely know how to savor food, the way you humans do.  And we don’t subtly walk up and seduce people, the way cats do – if there’s someone we’re happy to see, we’re all over them in a second – licking, pawing, chewing, all of it!

And this is even true when it comes to sex.  When a female is in heat, males will smash through windows to get to them.  And when she’s not, our males generally really aren’t all that interested – they certainly don’t “wine and dine” us!

And that’s great for us pooches.  It works fine.  But it’s not a good way for humans to be, for the most part.  Your brains are too big, and you don’t have a sexual cycle the way we do.  You can become interested in each other at any time, anywhere – and that means you need to act in different ways.

What I’m getting at, alpet, is that you’re jumping way ahead, like a Rottweiler on a steak – but your human brain is seeing the problems in that.

What if, instead of deciding Continue reading

0 How to feel comfortable in different environments

Buendia asks: I’m very shy. I know I can talk with people at school and everything but I don’t know what I would do if I saw them outside of school. Let’s say I meet an acquaintance; what do I do? Do I talk with them or not? Do I completely avoid them or try to hide from them? Or what if I see my classmates outside? I would hate them seeing me. This fear of mine has made me come to such a point that I am scared of going out from my house. I am only comfortable going out with my parents and my close friends, (about 6 people). And another thing, I feel embarrassed about being seen with my brother. Like take today for instance, he wanted to go outside and it’s a beautiful day but want I don’t to go outside cause he dresses so loud. I always wanted to be not this person. Hanging out with people judging their looks. But unfortunately I am. I am no racist but I only hang out with people who have a good dressing sense, like my closest friends. So my questions are: What is this problem I have? How do I cure it, and is this just social anxiety? I am sick of living in fear of seeing people I sort of know outside and them seeing me, especially if they are in a group.

Hi Buendia –

I can only guess as to what’s really going on with you, but here are my top three guesses:

1)    A famous US president once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Most likely, this is your situation.  You meet up with people in a place that isn’t normal for you (“normal” in the sense that you always see them at school), and you wonder what you should say.  Then that makes you worry that maybe you’d say the wrong thing.  Then that makes you worry that you aren’t saying enough.  And that makes you worry that you might look wrong.  And that makes you worry… and on and on.  So the only thing that is truly worthy of your worrying about is all your crazy worrying!  If this is the case, my advice is to Continue reading

0 Should friends become boyfriend and girlfriend because one of them says they should?

Howling wolves asks: I have a friend that I like, and he likes me. But my mom had a long talk with the two of us and said that she’s fine with us hanging out and liking each other, but she said that I’m NOT allowed to have a boyfriend. I’m ok with it, but lately that friend keeps telling me that we NEED to be boyfriend and girlfriend to be together, and that he doesn’t want to be just friends anymore. I can’t disobey my mother, so what should I do?

Hi Howling wolves –

One of the toughest, and most important, things about growing up is developing a sense of your self-worth.  We dogs tend to have it pretty easily, unless it’s beaten out of us (which happens more often than I’d like to admit).  But you humans, with your giant brains, have a tougher task at hand.

You see, when you’re children, normally you defer to adults’ opinions on everything – and that’s good.  You want to cross a busy street alone, your mother tells you you aren’t ready to do that yet, and while your ego says “Sure I am!” you develop a sense that she might know something you don’t, and so you don’t walk out there (and, by making that decision, you live another day!).

Then you get a little older, and start school, and the same thing happens with the other kids.  You want to wear your Hello Kitty t-shirt to school because you love it, but the kids in your class think Hello Kitty is kind of “last year,” and, although it’s your favorite shirt, you learn to choose the clothes that will help you fit in more.  And again, this is totally okay (as long as you don’t throw the shirt out – since fashions change!).

But then you get a little older, and find yourself in just the situation you’re Continue reading

0 How to find out how someone feels about you if you only chat online

Wolfy asks: This boy and I have known each other for the past three years. We have been video chatting every day since before summer started, and in that time I have grown to like him. Like, like liking him, but I think he likes me too. He is funny and nice and I can always count on him. I like watching him play this game/ website (he can show me his screen on video chat) and if I suggest it no matter what he is doing (whether he is playing minecraft or pokemon or whatever) he will “get bored” with what he is playing right then and play that game. My computer automatically shows me as available and on that second it comes on he messages me. EVERY DAY WE VIDEO CHAT! He is on online school now, and when I was sick at home he messaged me while he was working. He also helped me through a tough time when my brother got something I should have had. Nothing is wrong when I talk to him – but when I think about the fact that I like him I can’t talk (and I can talk a person to death, my mother says!). I told my friend about it, and she told him, right when he and I were video chatting at that point and he was sharing screens – and they said: She: Wolfy likes you. You should ask her out. He: No thanx. She: she thinks you’re funny. He: No. She : She thinks you are hot. (That last line I never told her by the way but she is known to prank us with relationships so he may not believe – plus I did not back it up and said that is not right) What’s your advice?

Hi Wolfy –

So this seems to be the same sort of question I get a lot, of the “I’m shy, so how can I tell if he likes me” flavor. But with a twist – your contact is all on video chat!

But really, it’s all the same issues as usual. We’re dealing with two problems: first, that you get so nervous about liking him that you can’t talk (which I have to say, even from a dog’s point of view, is really cute and adorable!). And second, that we don’t have any idea what he’s feeling.

Could it be that he just isn’t into girls yet (or just isn’t ever going to be)?

Could it be that he sees you only as a friend, and doesn’t want to change that?

Could it be that he’s interested in another girl?

And could it be that he does like you the way you like him, but doesn’t Continue reading

0 How to make friends after you’ve given up

arjai101 asks: I just moved back to America two months ago. And, I’m having a really hard time. I miss my friends, and I’m okay with that. However, everyday I grow more and more lonely and it is just the most awful feeling. I hate my school, and the teachers don’t want to be bothered with me. No matter how hard I try to make friends and reach out to people, people just push me away. I’ve tried everything. I have joined clubs and I even have tried with some of the people at my church (Which is desperate because I hate going to church). I spend most of my time by myself and this is beginning to change me. I hardly talk anymore, and I’m usually a very outgoing person. I hate doing any of my hobbies, which is very bad since that’s usually what people do when they’re alone. I’m extremely frustrated with the situation and every time I think about it I want to cry. Believe me when I say I’ve tried everything. I have even seen a therapist TWICE. Nobody understands and they all blame it on me. They have no idea what I’ve tried and how it makes me feel. The therapist doesn’t give advice, all she does is analyze the situation. I need instructions. I can’t do this any longer. It’s affecting my attention span, I can’t read or write for more than a few sentences. It’s to the point where I have to go on a chat room anonymously and find people to talk to. (Except, they all want pictures and its rather disturbing.) In conclusion, I feel like there is no escape and the worst part about it is that IT’S MY LIFE NOW! I CANT ESCAPE IT! What’s wrong with me or them? What should I do?

Hi arjai101 –

What you’re going through sounds, regrettably, very normal. Most teens go through a time like this, where they feel alienated from everyone, and it’s devastatingly lonely. I have a few suggestions for you, but the most important one is to know that this WILL PASS. If you’ve ever had a dog, you’ll know that whenever our humans leave us at home alone, we’re miserable about it. We might freak out and tear stuff up, or we might just sit around glumly… but when the people come home, we’re overjoyed and go absolutely nuts over them. Well, just like us, when you’re in a mindset like this, it feels like it’ll last forever and there’s nothing you can do. So that’s why I say, again, trust that it WILL PASS. I just can’t say when, just as you can’t tell a dog exactly when their humans will come home. I just know it’ll happen.

But meanwhile… YUCCH!!! This just STINKS!! It’s very hard to move countries and start a new school. Handsome has a friend who did that when she was in third grade, and she was so outcast in her classroom that, on Valentine’s Day, when all the boys and girls gave all their classmates cards, she didn’t get a single one! (I do love kids, but sometimes they can be very short-sighted, or even mean, as I’m sure you know. The important part, though, is that before long, she made lots of friends and became very popular. It just took time.)

So what can you do? Well, reaching out to others is a great idea, even if it hasn’t worked yet. Some of those kids already have the friendships they want, and aren’t looking for other pals just now, so you need to keep trying till you find the other kids. They’re always there, just harder to find.

I find the best thing to do at a Continue reading

0 How to respond to insults from friends

four cats asks: Most of the time my friends tease me and joke me and I always go low on my personality; then actually they start to bite me! So can you please give me a way to put them down when they start to put me down?

Hi four cats –
Wow, I am used to people using verbal put-downs of their friends, and I’m used to us pups biting each other for fun, but I have never heard of anyone doing both!  Your friends must like you a lot!

You asked me for ways to put them down, and I’d be glad to help with that, but I’d have to know exactly what they were saying, so I could come up with funny responses.  But I think there’s a much bigger question: Do you want to have funny comebacks to these friends, or do you want them to leave you alone?

If it’s the latter, then your best response is to not let them see how their comments affect you, to just roll your eyes or say “wow that’s the best you got?” or something like that, and then walk away.  People who give put-downs, whether in affectionate fun or out of bullying meanness, do so to feel powerful and good about themselves.  So if you act in a way that they can’t get that feeling, they’ll find someone else to pick on.

But if you are asking how to keep them as friends but just get better at comebacks, I do have one really odd Continue reading

0 How to get someone who likes you to ask you out

Mandhie asks: Recently, this guy and I had been chatting on whatsapp and he asked me a question that made me feel uncomfortable. We had a conversation one day and I was like “I miss you” playfully, and he replied “lol… really?” which made me feel like I was pushing him to say he misses me too. So I sent a sad emoticon and he asked “r u sad?” I replied… “of course. I am saying I miss you and you asked am I sure?” And then he sent the love emoticon and wrote, “Okay I love you and I miss you too” and our chat continued. Then, recently, I had a message from him, asking me, “What do you feel about the ‘I love you’ I sent?” I replied to him, “You were saying it on friendly terms.” (Shirelle, remember, he is not my boyfriend yet so we are taking our time to get closer. I didn’t want him to feel I took the “I love you” personally, which was the reason I told him it was said on friendly terms.) So now, here is my question… the way we are now, I won’t be surprised if, in the next two years, we go out. We have grown so close, and the teasing from our families and friends has been increasing. If the “I love you” wasn’t just on friendly terms to make me feel happy when I told him I was sad, why is he taking too long to ask me out? Because I really feel this time he likes me. Oh, and his best friend told me, “he likes you more than you like him… trust me.” So you see, please, I really need to know! What is keeping him from asking me out? 🙁

Hi Mandhie –

I’m a little confused here.  On one hand, you’re telling me that, if things keep going the way they are, you and he will be going out in two years.  Then you ask why he’s taking so long to ask you out.  In fact, it’s pretty clear his not asking you out is driving you nuts!

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with a boy who’s not quite as ready as you.  That doesn’t mean he’s not interested; it just means he’s not ready for the risk.

Which brings up the question: What Risks?!  Well, I don’t know the boy at all, but I can imagine a few.  For example:

–       What if you say no?  You’re saying you miss him, but that’s not the same as going out.

–       What if there’s some pressure on him not to date too young?

–       What if he doesn’t have the money to take you out?

–       What if he’s not sure what he’d do with you if you went on a date?  Especially with all the stuff everyone’s saying to you two, he might feel very pressured to do something with you, and report it back to them.

–       And speaking of that pressure, what if all those teasing comments make him feel like he’s being pushed into taking you out?  You two are at the age where it’s very normal to want very badly to define yourself, and not be the way others want you to be (as was normal when you were younger children).  Maybe he wants to make sure that what happens between the two of you is yours alone, and not just fitting in with what others think should be.

Now again, I don’t know the boy.  But you do.

So is there something you could do to Continue reading