alpet asks: I’m a 32-year-old bi guy more on the gay side, sexually speaking. I’d like to have your advice on my story: Ten days ago, my brother’s wife introduced me to her classmate, 9 years my junior. We met again just the two of us. I like her, and so does she — that’s what she told my sister-in-law. So, I’m thinking of taking this further, but I feel insecure due to the following: I am less experienced with females, physically/sexually speaking. Two unsuccessful casual encounters with complete strangers, and one with a girl I started dating a year ago. I normally don’t get super-attracted to women unless there’s some intimate contact already happening. So I feel torn between the urge to continue dating (and why not) going toward a serious relationship with her, and my insecurity that there won’t be this physical/sexual fulfillment between us, in the long run. Should I, so, continue dating, and get physically intimate, and see what happens? Should I also take a break from casual contact with males? P.S. We live in a conservative society, so a male’s bisexuality is not welcome by the opposite sex.
Hi alpet –
I really appreciate your openness about this, especially given what you say about your society. But the answer I give you will have nothing to do with your orientation at all.
You see, I’m a dog. And we dogs have a reputation that we absolutely deserve, of, when we see someone or something we like, running up and absolutely covering it with excitement and desire and hunger. We don’t remotely know how to savor food, the way you humans do. And we don’t subtly walk up and seduce people, the way cats do – if there’s someone we’re happy to see, we’re all over them in a second – licking, pawing, chewing, all of it!
And this is even true when it comes to sex. When a female is in heat, males will smash through windows to get to them. And when she’s not, our males generally really aren’t all that interested – they certainly don’t “wine and dine” us!
And that’s great for us pooches. It works fine. But it’s not a good way for humans to be, for the most part. Your brains are too big, and you don’t have a sexual cycle the way we do. You can become interested in each other at any time, anywhere – and that means you need to act in different ways.
What I’m getting at, alpet, is that you’re jumping way ahead, like a Rottweiler on a steak – but your human brain is seeing the problems in that.
What if, instead of deciding now whether or not to get close with this woman, you started dating her? What if you got to know her, bit by bit? What if you were curious and open, and found out whether you two really like each other, whether you’re compatible? There’s of course always a good chance you’re not, and if that’s the case, then you can let her go and not worry about it.
But if you find that you are compatible in other ways, I promise, your body will start to let you know if you’re also interested in her sexually! What do you feel if you hold her hand, or if you kiss each other? What about when you hold her in your arms? Are you feeling desire pulsing through your veins? Or are you thinking about the cute guy who brought you your dinner earlier?!
So my advice is to just take your time. Just as I tell the young teenagers who are in their first romance, follow the lines of that wonderful old song:
“We’re on the road to romance, that’s safe to say
But let’s make all the stops along the way…”
And I think you’ll do fine.
However, there’s another issue, a really big one, which is about your interest in men, and the question of how this woman would feel about that. You have to decide, for yourself, how honest you want to be about this. I do feel you’d be taking a giant chance on REALLY hurting her if you kept seeing men while you dated her, unless you let her know about it. But even if you stop romancing guys, the day might eventually come when you feel you need to tell her about yourself. And that might not go too well, as you say.
So my suggestion is that you think about it a lot, and make a decision. Maybe it’s that you’ll tell her if things get so close that you’re about to have sex. Or maybe it’s that you’ll tell her if you’re ready to get married. Or perhaps it’s that you’ll tell her before you even start dating.
There’s no perfect answer, alpet. What matters is that you find an answer that works for you, and that you stick to it.
Your society may not be ready to accept it, but the world is becoming more and more accepting of bisexuality. The work you put in now will pay off hugely as the future opens up to you in a welcoming way.
Just stay true to yourself, and kind to this woman and anyone else you get close to, and it should all turn out just fine.
Best of luck! I’d love to hear how it goes!