Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to deal with criticism from an aged mother.

Deb asks: Really need help on this. How do I (age 61) not care about what my mom (age 90) thinks about my clothes. I love my clothes, I love where I buy them. I (age 61) have a certain style I wear: Underblouse (long sleeve blouse worn under my) OVERblouse: loose fitting sleeveless top and I only wear pants. I don’t wear skirts, dresses, tank tops or anything slutty. I purchased all my clothes from the three 99 cent stores where I live. And I always get compliments on what I wear from strangers. A few months ago I learned from a childhood friend that seven of our childhood friends passed on. All but one died of cancer. The one that didn’t die from cancer died of an infection that attacked her heart. Then on Sunday, February 19, 2017: I play the piano very well – playing since I was 12 years old. When I play my mom (age 90) knows I am going to play the piano because either I tell her or she is in the living room when I play. This past Sunday she was in her room and I didn’t tell her. I closed the door that separates the bedrooms from the living room/dining room area so I wouldn’t disturb her while she watched a show. Then after I stopped playing I went into her bedroom. I told her I am not playing any more today. She told me she thought the music was on TV, she didn’t realize I was playing. I played the day before that, so I got a little upset thinking she was putting down the other days I played and confronted her about that. So then a little tiff happened and out of the blue she mentioned my stomach issue I am having right now, which didn’t bother me, but she also thru out AIDS. I got mad at the AIDS part, because I knew what she was referring to which was when I found out four months ago that one of my childhood friends died of an infection she said that I shouldn’t buy my pants at the 99 cent stores – I could get AIDS. So when she referred to AIDS on Sunday I knew what she was referring to and I confronted her, and that is when she attacked my clothes. We had some fight. Yesterday I confronted her about what she had said about my clothes, and she told me she really doesn’t remember what she said, at first I called her a liar that she did remember but she claimed she really didn’t. Then when I confronted her one more time yesterday she put down my clothes saying they are dirty, you don’t know who wore the pants, you can get AIDS. We had some fight and I said a lot of horrible things to her. I don’t care if she doesn’t like my clothes, or my sense of style, I just don’t like her to put them down. BTW I hate the way she dresses. She wears jeans with a long sleeve blouse two or three sizes too small, or black pants (in the winter) and only beige or white pants in the summer with a Tee shirt.

Hi Deb –

I have some strong opinions on this issue (none of which have to do with dressing well; we dogs have no sense of style at all, which is why we are happiest running around naked or with just a collar!).  But first I need to explain something about my relationship with Handsome, and really all domesticated dogs’ relationships with their humans.

People say we love our humans.  That puts it far too mildly.  We adore them rapturously, and we also see them as our unquestioned leaders.  We might disobey our people, but that’s like a little child disobeying their parent; we don’t actually think we’re in charge, but we love testing the boundaries of what we can and can’t do.   I don’t know any feeling in the world worse than when I’ve truly hurt or disappointed Handsome.  I’m not exaggerating when I say I’d rather die.

So this is going to sound weird, coming after I’ve said that, but what I really need for you to do, Deb, is to Continue reading

0 How to get better at talking to strangers – and crushes.

arjai101 asks: Dear Shirelle, I feel like I’m delusional. I constantly seem to be coming up with arbitrary and false reasonings for claims I hope to be true. Particularly, this is true if I like someone. Or, If I hope they like me. Most of the time, I would never date the person. But, no one has ever liked me before or expressed any feelings for me outside of the delusions in my head. I feel like I make up things that have never happened or turn small things into things that are bigger. When in reality, it is impossible. I don’t know how to stop. Or, maybe I can’t stop because it’s easier to accept a bunch of self-constructed lies. It’s a little hard when everyone around you seems to have experienced some kind of romantic occurrence except you. Before, It kind of fit in with the whole awkward adolescent vibe. At this point, it is actually embarrassing. In addition to this, one of my delusions might be true or just another way of rationalizing it all. I feel like maybe I’m intimidating. Maybe, people are scared of me or I have RBF(Resting B—- Face). It’s not like I’m some broody loner in the corner. I’m extroverted. I love being around people. But if I like someone or if I’m hallucinating that they like me, I have this way of ignoring people. Not blatantly, I may have never uttered a word to them before. It’s kind of an instinct, to pretend like there not there. (Not look at them, acknowledge them etc.) I would talk to them. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation. For example, there is one person, who I never really talked to just because I guess I found them intimidating. And now, I would love to talk to them but it would seem so weird if I did because social dynamics are so set in stone at this point. I’ve had opportunities for small talk but I can hardly make a good impression as I lose words. It’s particularly those times I do the whole instinctual ignoring thing. Maybe they’re just as intimidated by me as I am by them? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or, how to stop doing the things that are screwing everything up? Or, am I just crazy? Anyway it goes, I need advice.

Hi arjai101 –

As a dog, I don’t think or talk much about the subconscious.  Sure, I like to dream, and Handsome tells me I’m just ridiculously cute when I dream I’m chasing a lion or fighting a polar bear, and my feet run and my mouth twitches, sometimes even barking myself awake.

But there’s the other kind of subconscious.  The part that, with full reasoning, controls our actions without our knowing about it.  One of the main ways it works is with fear.  I’ll see a dog who reminds me of one that beat me up as a puppy, and I’ll be submissive on my back in under a second – I’m not consciously thinking it’s that dog, but my subconscious takes over and makes this happen.

I think that’s what’s going on with you.  Let’s be honest – other people can be scary.  And even more so when you’re attracted to them.  They aren’t aware of it, but they hold such enormous power over you at that time.

And if, as you say, you’ve never known someone to have strong feelings for you (ARE THEY CRAZY?!  YOU’RE AMAZING!), then you have no reason not to expect a new person to feel just the same.  Which, if they expressed it, would make you feel hurt.  Of course.

So, as a human, you don’t fall on the ground with your tummy exposed, the way I do.  Instead, you withdraw.  Shut down.  Almost like a deer or rabbit, the way they go still when they see me around.  And not only do you physically shut down, but your brain goes numb too, and you can’t think of anything to say.

This is totally normal.  Though, as you say, it sure doesn’t help get relationships going.

So in terms of what to do about it, I’m going to recommend something completely ridiculous.  I want you to Continue reading

0 When your friend goes after your crush

AudreyKimberly146 asks: So I entered high school last July. It has been a big surprise and emotional roller coaster! I mean, gosh! The projects and assignments were terrible.–. We divide semesters into 2 quarters. So by the end of 2016, I have finished my 2nd quarter. You see, there’s a week between Q1 and Q2 and it’s basically the ‘white week’–it belonged to no quarter. In that white week, you can’t believe how our class received bookings of big projects for the 2nd quarter!! (AND THE 2ND QUARTER HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET, OH SWEET CHEESE CRACKERS ;w;) So the school tasks have been overwhelming, and I’m bittersweet in enduring yet enjoying my time. But! This is not the reason why I’m here XD Let’s cut off to the chase–I have a friend named V. She’s a new student and I befriended her by a chance. She attends my class, we’re almost like best friends! …except she did something I’d say horrible 🙁 Well, maybe it’s because I’m a kind of biased–you’ll get it (kinda) as we go on :)) So recently, by recently I mean the end of August 2016, I have come to acknowledge that I’ve officially moved on from my painfully endured first love!! :)) I endured like 8 years, I think I’m pretty faithful XDXDXD Well, I decided to share this secret to a friend of mine (this was a HUGE mistake) and she friggin’ spreaded it in like, a flick of a finger!! XDXD I’m not mad at that fact, just as long as the person himself doesn’t take notice and started to act funny in front of me.–. Well, let me tell you, it was CRAZY! sigh In less than a month, the whole class already knew and the secret is now spreading to other classes–I really wish I hadn’t told her aarrghhh X”D im laughing in regret Oh, ‘-‘ but again, that’s not why I’m here today too. So, V. She knew that I like him. And she ‘said’ she “ship” me with him== I call that BS. Because of the amount of projects, we need to start to work together in groups. The teacher made groups, instructed us to make groups, and V–I really don’t like to accuse but at this point I must say that she looked like she was infatuated on my crush–she really wanted to be with my crush! Here’s an example: when she edited this video for this certain project, she’d sit beside my crush and carry along–editing with no care of the world–except she’s like 5 inches away from my crush!! You see, I don’t really know about other people, but if Ia bold on the ‘I’ knew a friend of mine had a crush on a certain someone, I would, by all means, avoid that certain someone because I’d want to be a good friend. She continued that ‘betraying-like’ thing for a while, and my other friends started to feel irritated too–because they know I have a crush on the boy. (Oh by the way she’s still VERY sticky with him==) One day, I decided to confront her. I told her “girl, I don’t want to rule your life or anything, but to me you are doing something which a ‘good’ friend will never do. Do you like him? Just tell me the truth.”–I mean, everything’s possible right? She’s being especially close with him, maybe she developed a special feeling for him. If so, then I can’t blame her. But she went from an “oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to” to TRIGGERED!!! XDXDXD She said to me “Oh you think I like him?? Fine!! Believe ANYTHING you want!! You won’t believe in me anyway!!” I decided to stay calm and apologize to her. But her snotty reply and very ignorant ‘ok’ reply had my blood boiling. Why am I the one apologizing?? She should know that she’s breaking my heart by ‘betraying’ me! And afterwards, she didn’t even lessen her stickiness and urgh== One time, a friend of mine got very mad, she just blindly started yelling “OMG!! SUCH A B—-!! THIRD PERSON!!! SO ANNOYING!!” and all other mean things. I was also mad, and to be honest, I felt a bit of a relief when she yelled those, but I also thought it was wrong. So I immediately stopped my raging friend XD and asked her to calm down. Also, that boy I’m crushing on?== Urgh, he’s a dense lil’ rock== That’s all I can say about him XDXD What should I do?? I’m completely lost at this point to be honest XDXD And my best guess for your potential solution is to retalk with Vanessa, rediscuss, and come up with a satisfying, mutual agreement. I’d say that’ll be perfect–except I don’t think I can put myself through a rampaging beast again XD It was a pretty toxic week after that ==” She treated me like a two-faced=_= So, what do you think? Any feedback or critiques?? I’d gladly receive anything I can improve from my side. Thank you!! :))

Hi AudreyKimberly146 –

So you’re right, my general inclination would be to try to talk things out with Vanessa.  But on the other hand, that’s exactly what you already tried!  And she turned on you for it.

It reminds me of my neighbor Sophie.  She’s a Spaniel, and although we’ve always barked at each other across our fence, I’d always hoped we could play together.  One day her human Suzie brought her over so we could try it.  I was all happy to jump in, but Sophie turned on me and started a fight, biting and growling and all.  Now I’m a good fighter anyway, but I’m also a lot taller than Sophie, so it was easy for me to use my long legs and roll her over onto her back, and put my very long mouth over her throat, so any move she made could hurt or even kill her.  But I didn’t want to hurt her; I just wanted her to stop fighting.  Sure enough, she got the idea, and stopped.  So I let go of her and stepped back, ready for fun… and she started right in on me again, biting, yowling, trying to beat me up.  Idiot!  So I rolled her over, mouth on throat again, she stopped again, I stepped back again, and she started all over again!  Finally, Suzie gave up and took her back home, and we never tried to play again.  It was really sad.

And it seems to me Vanessa’s being a Sophie here.  She did something mean to you, you tried to work it out, so she got mean at you again.  I’m all for you trying again with her, but there has to be a point sometime when you just give up.

I’ll admit, I’m also thinking something else here.  I’ve seen this a number of times, where one friend admits their interest in someone, and the other friend starts going after that person.  Not so much out of attraction as for desire to be the more powerful one in the friendship.  And I’m thinking that might be what’s up with Vanessa.

So what I really want is for you to feel good about yourself.  It does sound like you’re over the guy, which is great, since that just seemed to be going nowhere.  But now the best thing is for you to be so cool with yourself that Vanessa feels no power over you at all.  Because then, maybe, unlike Sophie, she’ll come back to you with her paw out, ready to give you a little lick on your nose, and play nice.

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 How to give enough time to your oldest child.

Jordan asks: I’ve recently had my 3rd baby girl and it’s gotten a lot harder to spread my love and attention evenly. I feel I’m failing especially with my oldest. Since then, her dad has not picked her up once. She’s not taking it as hard as I thought, she loves her step dad and her sisters so much. But her sisters are both under 2 and they take every ounce of time and energy I have. I find it so hard to keep the house clean, have 3 meals prepared, and bathe everyone every night by the time everything is done, it’s bed time and I realize I haven’t worked on my oldest daughter school work or read her a story or even played with her. I think about this all the time. The only time I get to spend with her is on the weekends when her sisters go to bed and she stays up late with me. It’s not enough, I’m not doing enough for her and it breaks my heart every day. Not that long ago it was just the two of us for 4 years.

Hi Jordan –

I do apologize for it taking me eight days to get back to you, but I’m sure glad things have improved in my system and it’s not eight months! I’ve had to write nearly 200 people in the last couple of weeks, which adds new meaning to the old term “dog-tired.”

And ironically, that apology is the same one you’re giving to your daughter. I don’t care about you any less than anyone else in my pack, but I had to treat those other letters as more urgent, because they had come first.

The difference is that I only need to apologize to you once about it, while you will likely be apologizing to your daughter a lot.

Oh and there’s another difference: you’re an adult, and I have every reason to believe you’ll fully understand the position I’m in. Whereas your daughter might get a lot more resentful.

And there’s no villain in this story. You’re a loving and caring mom, and she’s just being a kid. (Or one could argue that her dad is the bad guy, as he’s not spending the time with her he should. But she’ll reach a point in her life where she’ll let him know how she feels about that, and make him pay in guilt, I’m sure!)

Of course, there’s no perfect solution to this situation. You can’t be there for her 100% of the time, and she can’t replace what she’d get from you completely either.

There are two things she likely wants deep-down. And they’re opposites. One is to be completely special, have you treat her in a way that’s like no one else. The other is to get equal treatment, exactly the same amount of attention as her sisters. Both of these are, again, impossible to achieve. But what we can do is to try to feed both of these needs in certain ways.

First, I really suggest arranging a regular date with her. Just as I’d suggest you and her stepfather plan a couple’s night out every week or two, it would be great for you and she to have a regular day together. Maybe you two go to a movie, maybe just a restaurant. But it’s a set of regularly scheduled hours when the other girls stay home with their dad or a sitter. Today, this will be good because it will make her feel special and get your attention. But in a few years, this will matter enormously more, as it will give you time for “girl talk,” when you’ll be able to talk about her life in a special way that many parents never get, when she will likely be able to talk openly with you about things like mean girls, cute boys, and what substances kids at school are using. Exactly what parents most want to know about!

Secondly, there’s a quality in you humans that seems to go back throughout history, where first-borns take on leadership roles in their families. Lots of the great family therapists (Alfred Adler, Murray Bowen, for example) have written lots about this. The fact that she’s being so mature and responsible is wonderful – and pretty normal. You can build on this. Giving her ways to be a big sister to those two little brats can do wonders for her self-esteem. When she’s old enough, sure, have her babysit for them (when you and their dad have those fun romantic nights out!), but there are lots of other jobs that can even be better. Like what if she’s their tutor in their schoolwork? What if she’s the one who’s in charge of everyone getting their chores done? Each of these jobs makes her feel special, and closer to you and her adored stepfather – which is what she, I’m sure, wants most.

Of course, this won’t be enough. There will be times when she really resents the girls, and your not being there enough. But this is human nature.

(And not just human – I can become enormously jealous when I see Handsome, my human, playing with or petting another dog, and I treat him really coldly when he hasn’t been paying enough attention to me.   And I don’t feel one bit guilty about it either!)

What will matter in the long run is that doing these things show her that you really care about her. She might not fully see it now, and she almost certainly won’t appreciate it when she’s fifteen, but later, she’ll remember, and it will help define the relationship you two have for the rest of your lives.

A relationship that might be as good, and trusting, and open, and loving as my relationship with Handsome. And there is nothing better than that!
Thanks for being a great, caring mom!

Shirelle

ps: Oh, and while her dad is being so absent, what would also be great is if Mr. Stepfather could also, occasionally, have some alone time with her, or if she could get some time with the two of you. All of these will really help her feel special. Maybe not as special as she really is, but close!

0 How to get people to give you more alone time

southpole4 asks: For my past well life I have gone through so many terrible things, I was bullied, skinny, weak, and someone I loved passed away last year. It has been really hard. I enjoy being alone and having my own privacy, my brother doesn’t understand that (he’s my twin) he enjoys being with someone at all time, and ya, sometimes we need company but I like to just be alone. Also my parents don’t understand that connecting with my friends is through social media, they have me logged in into their iPad and whenever my friends say a bad word on a group chat my parents say that they’re going to take away my phone….. I just want my own space to think and be who I am. I don’t know what to do any more.

Hi southpole4 –

I hope things have improved since you wrote me, but I know that your general question, about needing space and time to be alone, is one that goes on and on.

I really can’t explain to you why other people have such trouble understanding this. Now I’ve been guilty of it myself – especially as a puppy, I liked jumping on everyone and trying to play with them, with no awareness that sometimes they just wanted to be let be. But as I’ve grown older, I often feel that way myself. You’ve probably heard the old line “Let sleeping dogs lie.” That’s because people always want to come wake us up or pet us or play with us or whatever. And honestly, a lot of the time, I’m happy to wake up to a friend. But other times, I’m just happy dreaming about chasing dinosaurs, and want to remain that way.

It’s got to be especially tough when you have a twin who loves socializing as much as you love solitude. I’m sure it makes it even harder to convince people that nothing’s wrong with you when you go into your room and shut the door.

The best you can do, I’m afraid, is to Continue reading

0 How to help your spouse when their family has drama

percy asks: It’s been about 23 years since my sister-in-law filed court legal action against her two sisters due to a house sharing financial issue. During those hardship passing years, my disowned sis in-law only contacted me in which I pleaded with her to contact her family, which she refused to do so. When my wife tried to speak to her on the phone, sis in-law hanged up immediately. I had enough and told her not to call us anymore. Now, recently my sis in-law made contact with her mother. Fine, but… she refuse to apologize to her sisters. My wife wants to invite her to our family Xmas gathering as a let bygones be bygones or forgive and forget, which I believe is a big mistake. Her sisters are full of hate toward her. One of her sisters got a divorce because of that issue. It could turn nasty and could end up deadly. Those stories about family member killing family member at holiday gatherings.

Hi percy –

This is a tough one. While you are your wife’s husband, you’re still not a member of the original family. And they’re going to need to work out their stuff as they see best. And it will almost certainly involve some drama – you’re right!

On the other hand, this might be the only chance for these women to move on from the awful events of their past. Especially the sister who got the divorce, she probably needs a chance to speak her mind to her sister!

So as far as any advice I can give, I’d say to do what I’d do, or any other Continue reading

0 How to dare to trust again

Sphumelele asks: After the saga with the 22 year old guy I decided to take a break from the dating scene and focus more on me and things that make me happy. A few weeks ago I bumped into a family friend whom I had a crush on since I was 16. Turns out the guy actually loves me but I just can’t shake off the feeling that if I let him in he might just break my heart. Shirelle should I let him in or should I just listen to the voice at the back of my head saying I shouldn’t give him a chance? Honestly he has shown me he is worth trusting…. I’m even more confused

Hi Sphumelele –

I’m really glad you had the strength to break up with the 22-year-old.

And, funny as it sounds, that’s my answer to your question about this other man.

You see, we are often Continue reading

0 How to share with friends

Bree asks: My best friend and I had a fight about slime because I brought some today and she wanted it and I accidentally made a deal with her and now we’re just arguing and I want to make peace with her. What should I do???

Hi Bree –

I might be a little confused, but it sounds like you’ve already figured out how to make peace with her. You made a deal. And so all you need to do now, as far as I can see, is to keep it. Do what you said you’d do.

And if that means letting her have some of the slime, then I’d say to go ahead. She’s your best friend after all. And there’s always more slime.

Which is great news for me, as a dog who just loves to roll in slimy things!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 Why would someone talk to you alone or in public, but not at school?

Princess asks: okay so this boy has had the biggest crush on me for about a year and he is honestly so sweet, like i’ve never heard anything bad about him… literally ever. and we text a lot and if we go to parties or something we hang out like the whole time but for some reason he won’t talk to me at school. but i don’t see why school is any different because neither of us drink at parties so like it’s the same thing. and i think i like him because we text all the time and he’s so nice and genuine but i can’t get over that he doesn’t talk to me, we just don’t talk enough and i’ve told him this and he says yes we should talk more but he doesn’t do anything about it and i think he’s just scared but it gets really frustrating and idk if i should end it and stop talking to him because i keep telling myself it’s might get better and it still hasn’t .

Hi Princess –

This is an odd case – I’m used to talking to girls about boys who are too shy to talk with them, but this boy is perfectly fine talking with you via text or at parties.

My thought is to confront him with it. Just tell him (maybe in a text) that you’re going to stop talking with him at parties or in texts, until he talks with you at school. Or till he explains why he doesn’t want to.

And if there is a reason – maybe, for example, he knows there’s another girl at school who has a crush on him and he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by talking with you in front of her – then it’s only fair he tell you, so you can figure out how best to deal with it.

Clearly he likes you, and likes talking with you. So putting him on the spot and telling him he has to decide should accomplish something.

And I hope it’s something good!

Best,

Shirelle

0 How to help someone lose weight without upsetting them

MattTheBull asks: I have been with my lady for over 5 years now. I love her more than anything but I have lost attraction to her almost completely. She doesn’t make an effort in looking nice anymore, and has gained about 80-90lbs and does not make enough effort to lose it or stop gaining weight. I have sat down and spoken to her many times about it now but it is not hitting home. I’m in good shape and exercise a lot, I try to encourage her to join me but it’s not working. She would rather lay on the sofa and do nothing or if she does join in its only for 10 minutes and then she gives in. We also have a 4 year old daughter and I don’t want her being a bad influence to her. My lady now weighs in at about 230lbs. Please help me, I’m at wits end now.

Hi MattTheBull –

This is a really tough situation, and one that requires the kind of delicate footsteps I see in the squirrels running away from me over the tops of chainlink fences. One wrong step, and all your efforts collapse.

Your lady sounds to me like she’s suffering Depression. And she’s likely feeling depressed for three reasons: First, she’s exhausted (as any parent of a four-year-old tends to be). Second, she can feel that she’s not attractive to you anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. And third, because she has gained all that weight!

Now it’s very easy for you or me to say “Well here’s how to cheer yourself up – get out and get some exercise, eat better, lose that weight, and watch your man go as crazy for the sight of you as he was before!” After all, the reason I’ve never had a weight problem is because there’s nothing I enjoy more than running around in nature, burning off every bit of energy I can. (Okay, there is another reason, that Handsome feeds me healthy food and keeps it limited, but I don’t like him to be reminded that that does any good, in my hopes that he starts giving me three pizzas a day instead!)

The problem is that that will never work. She’ll hear it all as complaints about her weight, which make her feel bad about herself, which will lead her to feel even more hopeless and undesirable, and spend even more time on the couch.

So your job is to Continue reading