How to dare to trust again

Sphumelele asks: After the saga with the 22 year old guy I decided to take a break from the dating scene and focus more on me and things that make me happy. A few weeks ago I bumped into a family friend whom I had a crush on since I was 16. Turns out the guy actually loves me but I just can’t shake off the feeling that if I let him in he might just break my heart. Shirelle should I let him in or should I just listen to the voice at the back of my head saying I shouldn’t give him a chance? Honestly he has shown me he is worth trusting…. I’m even more confused

Hi Sphumelele –


I’m really glad you had the strength to break up with the 22-year-old.


And, funny as it sounds, that’s my answer to your question about this other man.


You see, we are often scared of things that might hurt us a little (like I hate getting my nails trimmed). But the bigger fears are of things we have no control over. Like the way Handsome is so terrified I’m going to run in front of a car someday – and there’d be nothing he could do to stop it or me.


Now your fear of your heart being broken again is like that. It makes total sense that you’d be afraid this guy might lie to you or cheat on you, or in some other way just destroy you.


But he can’t. Because you’re strong enough to walk out.


Oh sure, if he isn’t actually as trustworthy as he looks now, that’ll hurt. But if you can be strong and walk away and dust him off your shoulder, the hurt won’t last too long. (And there’s a funny thing about trustworthiness. In almost all cases, people show who they are VERY soon. Yes we do hear amazing stories about men leading “double lives” who have two marriages and families and neither knows about the other at all for twenty years… but those are RARE! If this guy’s a liar or player, you’ll almost certainly see it in the first few months.)


So I say sure, take the chance. But make sure you tell him how badly you were hurt by the last guy. So that if he pulls something on you, he’ll have every reason to know exactly what’s coming – and how bad it’ll be!


Good Luck!



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