Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to treat your boyfriend or girlfriend who’s losing trust in you out of grief

admo1900 asks: There is a girl I am in love with. We have been in a relationship for two and half years. Some problems arose in our relationship when her parents pressured her to get married. Then a tragedy happened in her life – she lost her father. Now she thinks I never supported her through it, although I did what I could at that time. There is another friend she is getting close to, but I know the guy, and what he is showing her is not good. I want to marry her and I don’t know whether she’ll choose me or not. I love her the most, more than her own family, but she never understands this. What should I do to make our bond stronger than it was before?

Hi admo1900 –

Wow, this is a really sad, terrible situation. And it certainly makes sense to me, I think. Let me try:

You and this girl have been involved for a while, and her parents had some concerns about the relationship. Then her father, who I’m sure she loved dearly, died. She felt awful, and I’m sure all sorts of mixed feelings came in – including guilt about her relationship with you. (Even though you were supportive, and even if you never did anything wrong, it’s normal for a girl to feel like having a boyfriend is kind of like cheating on her father, the first man in her life). So now she’s pulling away from you, maybe even to the point of getting involved with a not-good guy.

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but there isn’t one. The only thing you can do is just what people have been asking us pups to do over and over again for all time: sit, stay, and heel.

First, Sit: You want to do Continue reading

0 How to treat a sibling who treats you badly out of jealousy

Bubbles asks: As we’ve discussed, my family doesn’t trust my boyfriend. Now he’s going to go to talk to my parents. He said that he will answer any questions that they want him to answer. So that any misunderstanding will be cleared and the truth will be clear. I am so happy about it and he already set a date. But to be honest I am worried. Recently my sister took a picture of my conversation with my boyfriend through my messenger account and even from my phone. It was also due to me being careless that I forgot to logout. Of course it contains a lot of information about the two of us – conversations and some really private pictures. She even recorded my actions from our cctv since I am handling some of our family business and made me look like I am stealing. She spread the pictures and the video to all our relatives. Now everyone just keeps on judging me. There are times when I will attend a gathering and see my relatives give me a look of disappointment and disgust. Some even ignore me like I don’t exist, so I just stay in a corner, waiting for the event to finish, or I just make an excuse just for me to leave earlier. It hurts so much that your own flesh and blood will do those things to you. Even when I explained to them they won’t listen or believe me. I confronted my sister about what she did. She told me that as long as I will follow what my parents want then she will not spread the pictures. But I told her that she could do whatever she likes with it. I will stand for my decision. And then here she comes accusing me of stealing, ruining my whole reputation to where my relatives don’t trust me. I ended up punching her for what she did. How did I end up having a sister like her?!

Hi Bubbles –

I’m beginning to change my mind.  Not about you moving in with your boyfriend, he sounds just wonderful.  But about what the problem is.

I used to think it was people worried about you being treated right, or about concerns about morals and religious rules.  But I’m beginning to think those are just excuses.

I have absolutely no idea what your sister’s motivations were, but there was NO NEED for her to send that stuff around, and she certainly had NO RIGHT to get into your phone like that.  I imagine she actually committed a crime, depending on where you live.

So while I’m not a fan of punching, I sure understand how you were driven to hit her.  But I want to suggest something completely different: I would love you to Continue reading

0 How to handle a boyfriend or girlfriend who won’t stop talking about how great their ex was

Lawrence asks: Why do men talk about their ex to their current girlfriend? My boyfriend had numerous lovers in the past. Among those, there is one whom he spoke about in great details. How beautiful she was, how he sees her face, when he followed her to another city, how she was a look alike of another young actress, how he sneaked in order to be with her. It is intimidating and I am deeply hurt. When I spoke to him and asked him if she still loves her, he said no with conviction. He said I am giving such a big fuss over nothing because she is past. I gave him the chance to break up with me and search for his ex if his heart still belongs to her, but he said he will not search for her because he already found his love, which according to him, is me. My question is why would a man talk about his ex to his current girlfriend? And not just a passing conversation, he gave such vivid details.

Hi Lawrence –

My human Handsome loves to talk about the dogs he loved before he met me, and it’s never bothered me.  But I’ll be honest with you – I wonder if it’s because he always tells me that I’m his all-time favorite, and always will be.  Maybe if I wasn’t so sure, I’d be bothered when I heard about how smart Wolfgang was, or how sweet and lovable that dumb little Ygor was.

Of course, I really can’t answer your actual question.  I’d have to be able to read your boyfriend’s mind.  Perhaps he’s been trying to be honest with you, and not keep secrets?  Perhaps he’s afraid you’ll meet her someday and he wants you to be prepared.  Or is he actually playing games with you, trying to make you jealous?  I don’t know.

But I want you to try an experiment for me.  There’s a great Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone embarrassed about sexual inexperience

Rainbow asks: I have a close friend of mine (guy) in university, so close that we can’t do without seeing each other for a day. But lately I notice that he has being avoiding me, not picking up my calls, etc. Then he told me the reason why he has being avoiding me. He said he does not want to hurt me (hurt me in the sense that he is a flirt); he told me his secret, for me to know the type of person he his. It’s that he’s very embarrassed that he’s had many girls who’ve been ‘friends with benefits,’ but he’s never had sex. He told me he loves me. I love this guy but I don’t want to lose him. Should I just let him go???

Hi Rainbow –

I have to admit, I’m a little confused.  He avoided you, then said it was because he didn’t want to hurt you, and then told you “his secret” so you’d know the type of person he is…  But I think the news is very good.  He’s being shy, and probably feels like he’s not good enough for you, or at least experienced enough.  Your job is to let him know that you heard him, you heard all he said to you, and that you still care about him.

You don’t even necessarily have to let him know how much you love him.  Just let him know he’s accepted and cared for.  And that you really want to keep your relationship going.  Over time you two can see if you want to make it more, but for now, just the relationship you’ve had is already more than he probably feels he deserves.

Between you and me, it is just AMAZING how nervous and embarrassed human males get over things like this.  When human females (and us dogs) often find it very sweet that the guy is inexperienced.

So just find ways to let him know you’re still there, and that you really care about him.  And I think you’ll get your friend back – and maybe a lot more.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should I trust a guy who’s too nice to others?

Pennelope0214 asks: I’ve been dating a guy, but few days back I got to know about a senior who talks to him and doesn’t like me. So we were on a walk when she called him and as usual asked me if he was with me, to which he lied in front of me that he wasn’t with me. The next day I told him that if he has to lie to be with me then he shouldn’t be with me, and he cleared out by saying that she doesn’t like me and that he cannot tell her that he is with me because it may hurt her. He also said that he thinks that senior girl likes him but he has no feelings for her and if she confronts him he’ll directly say no and that I am his best friend, he expects me to understand this. When I insisted he said we are not in a relationship and that I can leave him if this is the case. I told him that he is hurting me and protecting others, to which he held my hand and said that he likes me and has feelings for me but he won’t say anything to that senior because according to him they are not that close. I told him that I get attached too easily and would like to protect myself this time. In the end I also said that I won’t talk about this topic ever again, I’ve said enough now it’s upon you to decide. I learned later on that he gifts her many things even if there is no occasion and that she made his projects. I don’t know what to do. What if he likes that senior and is lying to me about “us” but wants to be in a physical touch with me too? Should I stop being more than friends with him or should I let this thing go?

Hi Penelope0214 –

You are absolutely correct to question whether he is telling you the truth about this girl.  After all, we know that he has lied to her about you.

And if so, yes, there are many possibilities of what he might feel or think or be doing.

But we have no way of knowing those yet.  Instead, I just want to talk about the person he says he is.

Which seems to be a very nice guy – but maybe not what you need to get closer to right now.

Notice that I used the word “nice guy.”  I am a very sweet and loving dog, but I also bark, growl, and even bite (I haven’t bitten a person on purpose since I was a puppy, but if someone was hurting my Handsome, OH would they suffer!).  And I’m a hellacious fighter – whether for fun or for serious.  So while people might say “nice doggie” to me, I’m not really nice in the way some people mean.

You see, “nice” often means a person who avoids conflict, who tries to please everyone, who doesn’t put their own feelings out there.  And in many ways a person like that can be pretty great to be around.  But in the end, you can’t fully depend on them as much as you might want to.

My human Handsome has had this problem a lot in his life.  He’s gotten better over time (he credits me as his role-model!), but he’s had lots of experiences where he let friends – and people who weren’t really friends – take advantage of him, in ways he grew to resent.  And the simple fact is that, when he was this way, he wasn’t someone anyone could fully count on.

Now this guy is saying to you that he isn’t in love with this other girl, and he really cares for you, but because she doesn’t like you he doesn’t tell her about you.  I’m willing to believe him.  But if that’s true, then he’s Continue reading

0 How to deal with a date who treats you badly

Reena asks: I went on a first date with a guy I met online. I found he’d lied to me about his age. On Tinder it was mentioned 31, in his car he tells me he’s 34. He asked me where we should go next – a coffee shop or a hotel !? Ouch. Wow ! He tried to get physical, I didn’t let him cross a certain line. After that, when I reached home, he didn’t message me; I had to. Then he tell me in the evening that he isn’t looking to date anyone right now or get into a relationship, he’s not in that mind frame !! Wow ! Honestly Shirelle, I won’t bore you with details of how I feel at the moment. Chemistry is something that is very Black and White. You either have it with someone or you don’t. You can’t fake that. I took my time before meeting this guy in person. Though like most guys on Tinder he was pressurizing me to meet up. I took my time, till that trust was developed. He is a master manipulator! Or he simply doesn’t know what he wants. Then three days ago, he started an argument with me because I was at a guy friend’s house. This friend of mine had invited me to his place because he’d bought a new flat with an amazing view and he was very excited to show me his new place, that’s why I went. This Tinder guy started asking me questions like 1) Are you alone with him 2) Are you having fun 3) Did he flirt with you or try to kiss you 4) Why are you so eager to make out with him This actually irritated me to no end but I didn’t say anything. Deep down inside I really wanted to give it back to him. Shirelle, this guy tells me he can’t date me or give me a relationship. He has no right to ask me such questions. He is not my boyfriend! The moment a guy says he wants to keep things casual, he loses his right to ask your whereabouts and who you’re with. He loses his right to jealousy and possessiveness. And this is the same guy who told me when we met, that he doesn’t like possessive behavior!?? Wow ! Either double standards or he simply doesn’t know what he wants. What do you think??

Hi Reena –

Hmmm… let me see…  how can I put this…

0 How to deal with your fiancé having an ex

HELP asks: My fiance is divorced with two kids, and we are so much in love with each other. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But how can I be sure his ex-wife is going to be completely out of the picture? He is 32 years and I am 22 years. Though he has proven to me beyond doubt the love he has for me, I am a bit scared his ex-wife might still be in the picture. He is ready to see my family and marry me. Is this going to work out?

Hi HELP –

You really ask two questions.  And the second one I can’t possibly answer – I’m only a friendly dog, not a psychic or fortune teller, so I can’t tell you whether this will work out in the long run (any more than I can to anyone else).  Though it sounds pretty good!

But I can answer your concerns about his ex-wife.  Here goes:

Yes.

Unless this man is a lousy father who’s planning on ignoring his children for the rest of their lives, you are not just looking at marrying one person.  You would marry him, his kids, and her.  As she’s their mother, she’ll be involved in every part of their lives, and because of that, she’ll be involved in his life at least until the kids become adults.  He will have to co-parent with her, work out logistics with her, and very possibly pay money to her, for that whole time.

And you would almost certainly have your own relationship to her as well.  On one hand, there’ll just be the simple stuff where, say, you were supposed to pick the kids up from school and you get a flat tire, so you phone her and ask if she can get them.  On the other, maybe you two could become friendly enough that you can someday ask her advice on how to deal with him when he’s being difficult!

(Or, maybe she’ll always see you as a threat, and say nasty things about you, and try to turn the kids against you, and even try to win her ex-husband back from you!)

Now someone with a sense of humor might want to write in here that Continue reading

0 What to do if your boyfriend or girlfriend has another girlfriend or boyfriend.

Blck-pantha asks: My lover has another girlfriend. He claims he doesn’t love her, only loves me, but what should I do? Should I break up or remain, hoping he’ll break up with her?

Hi Blck-pantha –

So I’m a dog.  We are very loyal, in our way, but it’s different from you guys.  If a human has two dogs, then we’ll be okay with that person giving love to both of us.  While most people aren’t comfortable in that situation.

But not all.

Some people like sharing their special person with others.  Some people like being able to date more than one person at once.  They feel more free, less pressured.  And there’s no reason why they should have to live in a different way than they want.

Unless they’re lying or cheating.

You see, I’m a lot more interested in integrity and kindness than I am in any particular rules.  I want you to be treated in a respectful and loving way.  If you’re okay with having what they call an “open relationship,” then fine.  But only if you’re okay with it.

AND IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE NOT!

So you ask me if you should break up with him or stay, hoping he leaves her.  Here’s my problem:  If he does, will you trust him to remain faithful to you?  He’s already told you he’s fine with having another girlfriend, even saying he doesn’t actually love her.  So why would you ever trust that he’d be there for you.  Especially if… what if he did fall in love with another woman?  It’s hard to imagine he’d be faithful to you then when he’s not now.

So I know love follows its own rules.  But my advice would be to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend keeps contact with their ex

Jessie asks: There’s this guy, and we really like each other, though we are not dating. Before, he had this thing with a girl but now that I ask him about it, he says he doesn’t like her at all (and that she is weird and attention seeking etc). He even says that he replies to her texts at times but isn’t very keen in conversing with her. However, I see him reacting ‘love’ on ALL her pictures on Facebook. Like EVERY picture. I can’t talk to him about it. Do you think something is fishy?

Hi Jessie –

To quickly answer your question, sure something is fishy. But please understand that, as a pooch, something smelling of old fish sounds delightful to me!

I have absolutely no idea what he’s doing. He might be doing a really bad job of trying to hide his interest in her from you (Really?! He doesn’t think other people see Facebook?!). Or he might just be a friendly supportive guy who’s trying to be nice by giving her the attention he feels she needs, having no idea how it looks to you.

After all, if my special human Handsome were to get jealous of all the love I give all you guys, he’d have tossed me out to the street years ago!

My sense would be to keep watching him. See how he acts around you, and around others. And if you get the chance, see how he acts around her!

Handsome just reminded me of a funny story he told me years ago. He was starting to date a woman at his school, and both wanted to keep the other students from knowing about it. One night there was a party, and he was socializing, being friendly, and at some point someone walked up to him and said “It’s clear you’re dating her.” He asked how they knew. It was because she was the only woman at the party he didn’t hug and kiss when they greeted; she was the one he just walked up to and talked to.

I’m telling you this because it’s possible this guy’s putting all those “Loves” on FB means absolutely nothing to him. That he’s just being a goofy sort of friendly (kind of like me!). But of course it’s also possible he is madly in love with her and just lying to you about it. I don’t know.

So again, the best I can suggest is to keep your eyes open.

And let me know what you find!!!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend friend through depression.

Ashmita asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. It all started smoothly. But two months before, my boyfriend started having some problem. He used to get angry, even for some petty matter, and he suffered from sadness. At that time he told me that he was losing all his feelings for me, which I partly believed because he was going through a problem. I held on to him and firmly believed that everything will be okay. He soon visited the doctor and took medicines and reassured me that he stills loves me. Two days ago he again told me that thoughts like that still come to his head, but he keeps patient and waits for everything to become okay. His words show that he still loves and cares for me, which he tells me and I really don’t want to lose him. I suggested him to wait till he becomes okay and not make any decision in haste. Please can you suggest what else can I do? It keeps me worried.

Hi Ashmita –

It sounds like your guy suffers from Clinical Depression.  This fits with his ongoing sadness, his losing his feelings for you, the doctor’s medications for him… and with his belief that he’ll be able to love you as he did once he feels better.

True Depression is a really difficult problem for a lot of people.  It looks a lot like grief or sadness, the sort one feels after an awful loss.  But unlike those feelings, Depression isn’t necessarily about anything, so it can linger for a long time, even a lifetime.

Scientists have found lots of amazing facts about it in recent years, and have developed many medical treatments for it.  But – and here’s the tough part, for him and for you – no one medication works for everyone.  Because different brains are different, a prescription that works perfectly for one person will do nothing for another, and cause only nasty side effects in yet another.  The only way for doctors to find the right medicine for your boyfriend is what they call ‘trial and error’ – to try one out, see if it works, and if not, try another.  In the end, it might be a mixture of a few, at very particular proportions, that gets him where he needs to be, in order to fully be his happy, loving self.

So what can you do, during this?  Well, first of all, you can Continue reading