Category Archives for "Questions"

0 When your friend goes after your crush

AudreyKimberly146 asks: So I entered high school last July. It has been a big surprise and emotional roller coaster! I mean, gosh! The projects and assignments were terrible.–. We divide semesters into 2 quarters. So by the end of 2016, I have finished my 2nd quarter. You see, there’s a week between Q1 and Q2 and it’s basically the ‘white week’–it belonged to no quarter. In that white week, you can’t believe how our class received bookings of big projects for the 2nd quarter!! (AND THE 2ND QUARTER HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET, OH SWEET CHEESE CRACKERS ;w;) So the school tasks have been overwhelming, and I’m bittersweet in enduring yet enjoying my time. But! This is not the reason why I’m here XD Let’s cut off to the chase–I have a friend named V. She’s a new student and I befriended her by a chance. She attends my class, we’re almost like best friends! …except she did something I’d say horrible 🙁 Well, maybe it’s because I’m a kind of biased–you’ll get it (kinda) as we go on :)) So recently, by recently I mean the end of August 2016, I have come to acknowledge that I’ve officially moved on from my painfully endured first love!! :)) I endured like 8 years, I think I’m pretty faithful XDXDXD Well, I decided to share this secret to a friend of mine (this was a HUGE mistake) and she friggin’ spreaded it in like, a flick of a finger!! XDXD I’m not mad at that fact, just as long as the person himself doesn’t take notice and started to act funny in front of me.–. Well, let me tell you, it was CRAZY! sigh In less than a month, the whole class already knew and the secret is now spreading to other classes–I really wish I hadn’t told her aarrghhh X”D im laughing in regret Oh, ‘-‘ but again, that’s not why I’m here today too. So, V. She knew that I like him. And she ‘said’ she “ship” me with him== I call that BS. Because of the amount of projects, we need to start to work together in groups. The teacher made groups, instructed us to make groups, and V–I really don’t like to accuse but at this point I must say that she looked like she was infatuated on my crush–she really wanted to be with my crush! Here’s an example: when she edited this video for this certain project, she’d sit beside my crush and carry along–editing with no care of the world–except she’s like 5 inches away from my crush!! You see, I don’t really know about other people, but if Ia bold on the ‘I’ knew a friend of mine had a crush on a certain someone, I would, by all means, avoid that certain someone because I’d want to be a good friend. She continued that ‘betraying-like’ thing for a while, and my other friends started to feel irritated too–because they know I have a crush on the boy. (Oh by the way she’s still VERY sticky with him==) One day, I decided to confront her. I told her “girl, I don’t want to rule your life or anything, but to me you are doing something which a ‘good’ friend will never do. Do you like him? Just tell me the truth.”–I mean, everything’s possible right? She’s being especially close with him, maybe she developed a special feeling for him. If so, then I can’t blame her. But she went from an “oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to” to TRIGGERED!!! XDXDXD She said to me “Oh you think I like him?? Fine!! Believe ANYTHING you want!! You won’t believe in me anyway!!” I decided to stay calm and apologize to her. But her snotty reply and very ignorant ‘ok’ reply had my blood boiling. Why am I the one apologizing?? She should know that she’s breaking my heart by ‘betraying’ me! And afterwards, she didn’t even lessen her stickiness and urgh== One time, a friend of mine got very mad, she just blindly started yelling “OMG!! SUCH A B—-!! THIRD PERSON!!! SO ANNOYING!!” and all other mean things. I was also mad, and to be honest, I felt a bit of a relief when she yelled those, but I also thought it was wrong. So I immediately stopped my raging friend XD and asked her to calm down. Also, that boy I’m crushing on?== Urgh, he’s a dense lil’ rock== That’s all I can say about him XDXD What should I do?? I’m completely lost at this point to be honest XDXD And my best guess for your potential solution is to retalk with Vanessa, rediscuss, and come up with a satisfying, mutual agreement. I’d say that’ll be perfect–except I don’t think I can put myself through a rampaging beast again XD It was a pretty toxic week after that ==” She treated me like a two-faced=_= So, what do you think? Any feedback or critiques?? I’d gladly receive anything I can improve from my side. Thank you!! :))

Hi AudreyKimberly146 –

So you’re right, my general inclination would be to try to talk things out with Vanessa.  But on the other hand, that’s exactly what you already tried!  And she turned on you for it.

It reminds me of my neighbor Sophie.  She’s a Spaniel, and although we’ve always barked at each other across our fence, I’d always hoped we could play together.  One day her human Suzie brought her over so we could try it.  I was all happy to jump in, but Sophie turned on me and started a fight, biting and growling and all.  Now I’m a good fighter anyway, but I’m also a lot taller than Sophie, so it was easy for me to use my long legs and roll her over onto her back, and put my very long mouth over her throat, so any move she made could hurt or even kill her.  But I didn’t want to hurt her; I just wanted her to stop fighting.  Sure enough, she got the idea, and stopped.  So I let go of her and stepped back, ready for fun… and she started right in on me again, biting, yowling, trying to beat me up.  Idiot!  So I rolled her over, mouth on throat again, she stopped again, I stepped back again, and she started all over again!  Finally, Suzie gave up and took her back home, and we never tried to play again.  It was really sad.

And it seems to me Vanessa’s being a Sophie here.  She did something mean to you, you tried to work it out, so she got mean at you again.  I’m all for you trying again with her, but there has to be a point sometime when you just give up.

I’ll admit, I’m also thinking something else here.  I’ve seen this a number of times, where one friend admits their interest in someone, and the other friend starts going after that person.  Not so much out of attraction as for desire to be the more powerful one in the friendship.  And I’m thinking that might be what’s up with Vanessa.

So what I really want is for you to feel good about yourself.  It does sound like you’re over the guy, which is great, since that just seemed to be going nowhere.  But now the best thing is for you to be so cool with yourself that Vanessa feels no power over you at all.  Because then, maybe, unlike Sophie, she’ll come back to you with her paw out, ready to give you a little lick on your nose, and play nice.

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 How to give enough time to your oldest child.

Jordan asks: I’ve recently had my 3rd baby girl and it’s gotten a lot harder to spread my love and attention evenly. I feel I’m failing especially with my oldest. Since then, her dad has not picked her up once. She’s not taking it as hard as I thought, she loves her step dad and her sisters so much. But her sisters are both under 2 and they take every ounce of time and energy I have. I find it so hard to keep the house clean, have 3 meals prepared, and bathe everyone every night by the time everything is done, it’s bed time and I realize I haven’t worked on my oldest daughter school work or read her a story or even played with her. I think about this all the time. The only time I get to spend with her is on the weekends when her sisters go to bed and she stays up late with me. It’s not enough, I’m not doing enough for her and it breaks my heart every day. Not that long ago it was just the two of us for 4 years.

Hi Jordan –

I do apologize for it taking me eight days to get back to you, but I’m sure glad things have improved in my system and it’s not eight months! I’ve had to write nearly 200 people in the last couple of weeks, which adds new meaning to the old term “dog-tired.”

And ironically, that apology is the same one you’re giving to your daughter. I don’t care about you any less than anyone else in my pack, but I had to treat those other letters as more urgent, because they had come first.

The difference is that I only need to apologize to you once about it, while you will likely be apologizing to your daughter a lot.

Oh and there’s another difference: you’re an adult, and I have every reason to believe you’ll fully understand the position I’m in. Whereas your daughter might get a lot more resentful.

And there’s no villain in this story. You’re a loving and caring mom, and she’s just being a kid. (Or one could argue that her dad is the bad guy, as he’s not spending the time with her he should. But she’ll reach a point in her life where she’ll let him know how she feels about that, and make him pay in guilt, I’m sure!)

Of course, there’s no perfect solution to this situation. You can’t be there for her 100% of the time, and she can’t replace what she’d get from you completely either.

There are two things she likely wants deep-down. And they’re opposites. One is to be completely special, have you treat her in a way that’s like no one else. The other is to get equal treatment, exactly the same amount of attention as her sisters. Both of these are, again, impossible to achieve. But what we can do is to try to feed both of these needs in certain ways.

First, I really suggest arranging a regular date with her. Just as I’d suggest you and her stepfather plan a couple’s night out every week or two, it would be great for you and she to have a regular day together. Maybe you two go to a movie, maybe just a restaurant. But it’s a set of regularly scheduled hours when the other girls stay home with their dad or a sitter. Today, this will be good because it will make her feel special and get your attention. But in a few years, this will matter enormously more, as it will give you time for “girl talk,” when you’ll be able to talk about her life in a special way that many parents never get, when she will likely be able to talk openly with you about things like mean girls, cute boys, and what substances kids at school are using. Exactly what parents most want to know about!

Secondly, there’s a quality in you humans that seems to go back throughout history, where first-borns take on leadership roles in their families. Lots of the great family therapists (Alfred Adler, Murray Bowen, for example) have written lots about this. The fact that she’s being so mature and responsible is wonderful – and pretty normal. You can build on this. Giving her ways to be a big sister to those two little brats can do wonders for her self-esteem. When she’s old enough, sure, have her babysit for them (when you and their dad have those fun romantic nights out!), but there are lots of other jobs that can even be better. Like what if she’s their tutor in their schoolwork? What if she’s the one who’s in charge of everyone getting their chores done? Each of these jobs makes her feel special, and closer to you and her adored stepfather – which is what she, I’m sure, wants most.

Of course, this won’t be enough. There will be times when she really resents the girls, and your not being there enough. But this is human nature.

(And not just human – I can become enormously jealous when I see Handsome, my human, playing with or petting another dog, and I treat him really coldly when he hasn’t been paying enough attention to me.   And I don’t feel one bit guilty about it either!)

What will matter in the long run is that doing these things show her that you really care about her. She might not fully see it now, and she almost certainly won’t appreciate it when she’s fifteen, but later, she’ll remember, and it will help define the relationship you two have for the rest of your lives.

A relationship that might be as good, and trusting, and open, and loving as my relationship with Handsome. And there is nothing better than that!
Thanks for being a great, caring mom!

Shirelle

ps: Oh, and while her dad is being so absent, what would also be great is if Mr. Stepfather could also, occasionally, have some alone time with her, or if she could get some time with the two of you. All of these will really help her feel special. Maybe not as special as she really is, but close!

0 What to do if you feel guilty about naked online pictures

Zelmari asks: So, one of my friends went on Omegle because she saw it on a YouTube Video. She chatted with lots of people, and played Omegle games. She got naked. She didn’t show her face but she feels guilty and she feels like she is going to hell, because she is a heavy Christian. She feels dirty and like a slut. I don’t know how to help her…

Hi Zelmari –

Thank you for writing me – months ago!  I can’t stand the fact that you trusted me, I was eager to help, but this stupid computer bug messed everything up!

I don’t know if there’s a way for your friend to get her footage removed from any sites, but she certainly can try.

But when it comes to her religious fears, I think she just needs to talk about them with someone in her church – a priest or minister.  She doesn’t need to fear their judgment.   They hear worse things than this every day, I promise you!

The important part here is that she learns her lesson – the internet is a wonderful thing, but it can be used in awful ways, and it’s really vital for everyone to understand this and protect themselves.  I assume she’ll be a lot more careful in the future, and that’s a good thing.

But I do feel horribly for her, for all the shame she must feel about this.  It’s unfair, and awful.

You’re a very good friend to try to help.  Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why Educational Toys Are Important For Kids?

Akhil003 asks: Why Educational Toys Are Important For Kids?

Hi Akhil003 –

Hmmm… Why are educational toys important for kids?   I’d say it’s the same reason educational toys are important for dogs.

What?  You don’t know about educational toys for dogs?  How about every squeaky toy you’ve ever seen, which teach dogs not to bite people’s ankles instead?  What about rope toys, which teach dogs to strengthen our mouths and compete in fun ways?

Dogs learn through playing.  And so do children.  That’s why kids are programmed to play – because it’s the best way for them to learn.  They learn social skills on playgrounds, they learn fairness in sports, and they learn an infinite number of things with toys.

An adult will learn a lot from reading – as you’re doing right here.  But children, even once they learn to read, usually learn best through activity.

So kids will learn from pretty much every toy they play with.  And why not, then, have some of those toys actually be intended to teach them worthwhile things (as well as a toy’s most important job – to be fun!)?

Thanks!
Shirelle

0 How to treat depression without medication

bubbles7 asks: I’m 14 years old, and I think I have depression. I’ve felt depressed since I was about 8. My parents have no idea of the way I have been feeling. They think that nothing is wrong with me. Recently, (about two months ago), I went to the doctor’s for a check-up, and they made me take a depression test. When the results came back, they said I scored really high and that I should talk to a professional about it. They had scheduled for the person to call my parents so we could make the appointment, but we missed the call. Because my parents don’t think anything is wrong with me, they never called back. Now I feel as if I’m getting worse, but I’m too scared to bring the topic of calling back the people to make the appointment up. I think it’s been two months, so I’m not even sure if my parents still have the number for the person that called. Also, I’m scared to admit to my parents that I’m depressed, because I’m scared that they won’t believe me, or that they’ll be mad at me. What should I do?

Hi bubbles7 –

Your parents do take you to a doctor, so they care about your health. But for some reason, they’re avoiding dealing with the idea of you being depressed. I’m just guessing, but there’s a good chance they don’t want a psychiatrist to give you antidepressant medication. Lots of parents worry about this, as they don’t want their kids overmedicated.

One solution to this would be to ask them if you can see a therapist. Not someone who prescribes medicine, but just someone who knows about depression and can help it through talking and making suggestions. Therapists are much less expensive than psychiatrists, and won’t get you on any drugs.

Now it’s possible that a therapist could agree with that doctor, and recommend to your parents that you look into some medication. But even if they say no, a good therapist can help reduce depression a lot.

If your school has a therapist or counselor, that’s great. But if not, they’re usually not too hard to find. If you guys don’t know where to look, just drop me a note and let me know what city or town you live in (I promise I won’t make it public), and I’ll see if I can help you find someone there.

Hoping for Happiness,

Shirelle

0 How to get people to give you more alone time

southpole4 asks: For my past well life I have gone through so many terrible things, I was bullied, skinny, weak, and someone I loved passed away last year. It has been really hard. I enjoy being alone and having my own privacy, my brother doesn’t understand that (he’s my twin) he enjoys being with someone at all time, and ya, sometimes we need company but I like to just be alone. Also my parents don’t understand that connecting with my friends is through social media, they have me logged in into their iPad and whenever my friends say a bad word on a group chat my parents say that they’re going to take away my phone….. I just want my own space to think and be who I am. I don’t know what to do any more.

Hi southpole4 –

I hope things have improved since you wrote me, but I know that your general question, about needing space and time to be alone, is one that goes on and on.

I really can’t explain to you why other people have such trouble understanding this. Now I’ve been guilty of it myself – especially as a puppy, I liked jumping on everyone and trying to play with them, with no awareness that sometimes they just wanted to be let be. But as I’ve grown older, I often feel that way myself. You’ve probably heard the old line “Let sleeping dogs lie.” That’s because people always want to come wake us up or pet us or play with us or whatever. And honestly, a lot of the time, I’m happy to wake up to a friend. But other times, I’m just happy dreaming about chasing dinosaurs, and want to remain that way.

It’s got to be especially tough when you have a twin who loves socializing as much as you love solitude. I’m sure it makes it even harder to convince people that nothing’s wrong with you when you go into your room and shut the door.

The best you can do, I’m afraid, is to Continue reading

0 How to help your spouse when their family has drama

percy asks: It’s been about 23 years since my sister-in-law filed court legal action against her two sisters due to a house sharing financial issue. During those hardship passing years, my disowned sis in-law only contacted me in which I pleaded with her to contact her family, which she refused to do so. When my wife tried to speak to her on the phone, sis in-law hanged up immediately. I had enough and told her not to call us anymore. Now, recently my sis in-law made contact with her mother. Fine, but… she refuse to apologize to her sisters. My wife wants to invite her to our family Xmas gathering as a let bygones be bygones or forgive and forget, which I believe is a big mistake. Her sisters are full of hate toward her. One of her sisters got a divorce because of that issue. It could turn nasty and could end up deadly. Those stories about family member killing family member at holiday gatherings.

Hi percy –

This is a tough one. While you are your wife’s husband, you’re still not a member of the original family. And they’re going to need to work out their stuff as they see best. And it will almost certainly involve some drama – you’re right!

On the other hand, this might be the only chance for these women to move on from the awful events of their past. Especially the sister who got the divorce, she probably needs a chance to speak her mind to her sister!

So as far as any advice I can give, I’d say to do what I’d do, or any other Continue reading

0 How to dare to trust again

Sphumelele asks: After the saga with the 22 year old guy I decided to take a break from the dating scene and focus more on me and things that make me happy. A few weeks ago I bumped into a family friend whom I had a crush on since I was 16. Turns out the guy actually loves me but I just can’t shake off the feeling that if I let him in he might just break my heart. Shirelle should I let him in or should I just listen to the voice at the back of my head saying I shouldn’t give him a chance? Honestly he has shown me he is worth trusting…. I’m even more confused

Hi Sphumelele –

I’m really glad you had the strength to break up with the 22-year-old.

And, funny as it sounds, that’s my answer to your question about this other man.

You see, we are often Continue reading

0 How to share with friends

Bree asks: My best friend and I had a fight about slime because I brought some today and she wanted it and I accidentally made a deal with her and now we’re just arguing and I want to make peace with her. What should I do???

Hi Bree –

I might be a little confused, but it sounds like you’ve already figured out how to make peace with her. You made a deal. And so all you need to do now, as far as I can see, is to keep it. Do what you said you’d do.

And if that means letting her have some of the slime, then I’d say to go ahead. She’s your best friend after all. And there’s always more slime.

Which is great news for me, as a dog who just loves to roll in slimy things!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 How to tell your parents you have an eating disorder

AG.Softball asks: So I’m now in 8th grade and I don’t know how to tell my parents I had an eating disorder and I’m scared it may start back. It started in 6th grade and continued until 7th grade. I was very unhappy about myself because I have hips and I don’t have a thigh gap (I still am very insecure) I was finally able to stop because I started feeling sick, having panic attacks and always having chest pains. It took me the whole summer of 2016. I hate my birthday because it’s always about my sisters or my parents fight EVERY YEAR. This year I’m already starting to have panic attacks again and I’m scared I might start not eating again or start throwing up any food that I eat. My parents say I’m the perfect child that they can always depend on and never have to worry about me. I don’t want to disappoint them. How do I tell my parents or get help? Thanks!

Hi AG.Softball –

As you clearly know, eating disorders are a huge issue with young people today. They can cause misery, illness, and even lifelong health problems or death. I’m very happy you’re asking about this, and not keeping it a total secret.

One of the most common traits of people with eating disorders is a sense of perfectionism. That you need to live up to an idealized view that some people have of you.

So let me talk to you about me. I bark loudly and annoy neighbors. I shed everywhere. I poop in public. Sometimes I throw up on my human’s bedsheets. I jump on people who don’t like dogs.

Does that sound like I’m perfect? No? Well I can tell you, my human Handsome thinks I am! He says so every day.

You see, he thinks I’m perfect because I’m Continue reading