Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s ex wants them back

Awerpia asks: I love my girlfriend very much and I want to marry her But I am scared of what might happen if her ex-lover returns from the states. At the beginning of our relationship she had already broken up with the guy for some months, but it was difficult for her to totally cut ties from him because it was her first relationship. The guy forced her to bring him to me upon seeing our numerous calls and texts. And instead of talking about why he came to see me, he rather spoke of church issues realizing that we were from the same church. He texted me some months later just to introduce himself as her boyfriend though my girlfriend said they had broken up. I really don’t know how he got my number, and he wasn’t ready to tell me, so I blocked him. He then sent threatening messages to my girlfriend that it’s either he has her or no one else. They have broken up but he keeps telling her that if he returns from his journey and she is still single he would like to marry her. She loves me, no doubt about that. And I love her too. But my problem is when he visited me he came as a “friend.” Would I be a traitor by marrying the girl he’s dated for 3 years and wants to marry? Will I be safe marrying her? What if he tries harming me because it would look like I have taken his girlfriend from him, although that isn’t the case?

Hi Awerpia –

Wow, what a situation!  This is an amazing letter!

But I want you to try to ignore about 95% of it.  And just focus on one question:  What would you do if someone tried to force the woman you love into marrying them against her will?  No matter who he is, no matter their past.  What would you do? 

Would you sit back and say “Okay, no problem?”  Would you buy a big dog and a big gun and attack him?  Or would you just calmly say “No, that’s not going to happen?”  And then make sure it doesn’t.

I’m betting the last one. 

I don’t know what’s going on in this guy’s head, but your girlfriend, his ex, is a real person, with her own opinions and wishes.  And just because he wants to marry her, that doesn’t mean she has to say yes.  And the fact that they dated for three years is the whole point – they dated, they didn’t marry.  That means she never committed to him!  So she owes him NOTHING!

Now if this guy continues to threaten you or her, you might consider getting a police restraining order against him, so he has to stay away from you two.  But for now, my guess is that he’s just full of bluster, like a yappy dog who barks all the time but runs away whenever anyone comes close to them.  His ego’s hurt, but he’ll be okay, and move on eventually.

But again, fundamentally, all these other things aren’t what matters.  Someone wants to have their way with your girlfriend.  Support her, and say no. 

And the fact that the best way of supporting her, and saying no, is to keep on in this delightful relationship with the woman you love – well that’s just delicious!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you don’t know what your boyfriend or girlfriend wants from the relationship

Unemo asks: There’s this friend of mine. He liked me a few years back during high school but nothing happened and we lost contact after school. Two years back he got back into my contact. He initiated this friendship. We talked very occasionally. He used to call first. Recently we started to meet. After the third meet things changed between us. Things happened, but nothing extreme, and now I might have developed some feelings for him, I’m not sure though. Whenever I talk to him about dating, he never really says ANYTHING. Ever since we met after that third meeting, we have been getting more intimate, he has gotten more confident with his approaches. He’s never made me feel as if there was something special between us or if I was special. Once his friend video-called while we were together, and he asked me to hide my face and, hinting towards me, he told his friend that he was “busy” (we haven’t told anything to anyone). The thing is both of us have neither dated nor ever been in any sort of intimate relationship. And the video call act got me wondering if he ever really considered me even a friend, or was I just a potential intimate partner. I’m so confused. Really confused. How am I supposed to handle him? What am I supposed to do in this “friendship”?

Hi Unemo –

This is where humans make things so much more complex than they need to be.  If I want to know how someone feels about me, I jump onto them and lick their face.  If they like me, they’ll give me a hug, and if they don’t, they’ll push me away.  It works perfectly every time.

Now I get asked lots of times about how to find out if someone likes someone, but that’s usually someone more distant, like a classmate at school.  This guy is hanging out with you, talking intimately, sharing secrets.  He likes you!

What you don’t know is what he wants.  He might hope to marry you and have children and grandchildren with you.  And he might only want to be your best friend.  And for all I know, he might want to date your brother!

But it’s clear that he’s not saying, at least not yet.  So your job is to do what women have had to do with quiet guys for millennia – ask him!

Now you can do that a few different ways.  You could flirtatiously ask him how he looks at you, what he thinks of you, etc.  You could directly ask him, “Just what sort of relationship do you want with me?” (not very romantic).  Or you could ask him if he’s looking for a girlfriend and, if so, what sort of girl he’s looking for.  Or you could simply tell him you’re interested in him.  Or you could do my technique and just kiss him and see what happens.

Only you know what would feel right to you.  And you know him well enough to probably have an idea of what might be right or wrong with him.

But the one thing I know is wrong is to keep things the way they are, with you confused and frustrated.

And it looks like you’re the only one who’s going to change that.  So ask something, or do something.  Anything.

And whatever it is, and however he reacts, you’ll feel better afterwards than in this goofy situation!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone lies about you and your boyfriend or girlfriend believes them

Grv1011 asks: I am in a relationship with my love S. We both love each other and we want to marry, but her family is against me and my family. Let me explain in short but full story: 3 years of relationship; I had a friend in college, she and I were very frank, we even used bad words but just in a friendly way; My girl S read our messages and thought I’d cheated her, but she still loved me and stayed with me; after 2.5 year’s another friend of mine – she likes me and she was also my best friend – said she loved me a lot one day. Then she came to my city and asked me to meet. I was alone at home and refused. She kept requesting, and I accepted and ask her to come near to my home. But when i saw she was waiting outside my home with her elder sister (17) I got scared because my love S’s home is in front of my home. I thought her parents may have seen us and felt negative for me. I called her and asked her to come inside or go away; she came inside, stayed for a couple of minutes, and looked at my home – expect my room! One day I decided not to talk to her because I felt bad that my love may think or feel wrong. Then she called my girlfriend and lied to her that we had sex many times, in my room. But when I asked her about my room (conference call) she wasn’t able to describe it, since she never saw it. But then S believed her, and felt bad about our relationship. She stayed with me, but we fought daily. Then one day S’s cousin and his family told her parents about me and warned them to control S. Now they call her daily, blame her, and say she can’t marry me, because there’s no guarantee I won’t leave her, that they’d die first. So she’s frustrated, arguing with me all the time, and even talking about breaking up, and I’m afraid of losing her. Now please tell me, we both want to marry each other but these daily fights wear me down. Please reply with the solution. I want see her happy as we were.

Hi Grv1011 –

Wow, this is a crazy situation!  And there are lots of other elements here (such as family issues), but biggest of all is definitely the lie this other girl told your girlfriend.

And I can only come up with one solution to that one – you need to get the two of them into the same room at the same time.  NOT YOUR BEDROOM!

And I say that for two reasons – first, because asking them into your bedroom might look like you had something very different in mind!

But secondly, because for some reason, the fact that this girl couldn’t say what your bedroom looks like didn’t get through to your girlfriend.  And you need to make it clear.

Now if you can do this, if you can prove to your girlfriend that it was this other girl who lied and not you, that will help a lot.

But I want you to do something else then, as well.  You see, you were so worried about how things would look that you acted suspiciously.  There’s nothing wrong with meeting up with a friend outdoors in front of your home, so why would you worry so much about it?  If you hadn’t worried, if you’d just let it happen, then this girl might not have gotten in your front door, and it would be easier to prove things!  And even more so, if your girlfriend and her family had seen you calmly talking to this girl, as though nothing was wrong (which is true), maybe they wouldn’t have gotten so suspicious.

So find a way to get that girl and your girlfriend together, to clear this issue up!  And then, try to learn to relax more. 

After all, being innocent ought to feel good, right?!

And then we can start to work on this whole family thing!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Can one love dogs too much?

Aunii asks: It is not about me. I want to ask about you. Do you like Dogs too much? Because you have pictured dogs all over your webpage.

Hi Aunii –

         Do I like dogs too much?

         Is it possible to like dogs too much?!

         I don’t think so!  I don’t think it’s possible to love dogs ENOUGH! We are the most fun, loving, great-smelling, cuddly, protective, playful, funny… did I say loving?!  We’re just the best!

         Except that I love people even more!  At least some people.  Like especially my special human, the one I call Handsome.  Oh and I love my Pack Members – it’s like you guys are my family!

         And I know I can’t love Handsome or you guys enough!  That’s impossible!

         But I think you’re a little confused about something else.  Those pictures on the website, those aren’t just random dogs.  Those are ME!  Me at home, me with your letters, me with other dogs, me contemplating the world… 

         So if you’re asking if I love dogs too much, maybe a fairer question would be whether I love myself too much!  After all, I’ve put all those pictures up.

         But I don’t think so. I just want you guys to see what I look like, and how I smile at you.

         But does Handsome love me too much?!  If anyone ever loved anything to excess, that might be it.  What’s that Shakespeare line about loving not too wisely but too well? Handsome would argue he loves me very wisely and very well.  As well as is possible.

         And I sure hope you find someone, or many, in your life you can love too well too!  It’s the best way to live!

         Thanks again!

         Shirelle

0 What to do when you want to just disappear

arjai101 asks: At the moment, I’m trying my hand at disappearing. I wonder if people will ever notice I’m gone. If they’ll notice I haven’t texted them or asked them to hang out or just anything. You think and you strive and you hope that one day you’ll matter to people. One day someone will text you first or reach out to you first or invite you somewhere first or anything. Literally anything. I feel so alone all of the time. And I keep thinking to myself, what else can I do. You get the perfect weave and the tiniest waist and the perfect abs and posture and composure. You practice and practice the piano. Finally, you play Beethoven, Chopin, exhilarating sonatas. You have the grades. You’re funny. You can cook literally anything. You dress to perfection. Sometimes you swear strangers heads turn when you walk past. But none of it. None of it. None of it. NONE OF IT WORKS!! No matter how friendly you are, how well you master body language, how much you make people laugh. No one cares. They’ll always tell you they’re busy and “forget” to answer your texts and so on and so on. I’m so tired of feeling so alone. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. Do I have to set myself on fire? Everyone can’t be that busy. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Hey arjai101! 

Well as I’ve said many times over, I don’t understand what’s with these people!  You are fascinating and exciting, and I’d imagine anyone would want you around.

But for some reason they don’t seem to.

And your letter does give me one thought about it.  You are a striver for excellence, and that’s fantastic.  But that will only get you respect, not friendship.

I would love to hear you play those sonatas.  But that would be true even if I didn’t know you – I just love beautiful music.  Your perfect muscles and posture make you a great model, and I’m sure the envy of many women around you.  And even your cooking and joking, which would sure make me want to have dinner at your home, might not be the key to a relationship.

And all this brings up the question – what IS the key? 

And I’m not sure I know!

I am sure that, at the least, mutual caring matters – everyone wants to be around people who care about them, and who they can care about.  And shared interests certainly matter (someone who loves classical music the way you do, for example, who you could join to see concerts). 

But I’ll add something else – good energy.  People love hanging around me because, yeah I’m cute and funny and lick their faces and such, but also because I have such a good energy around me.  I’m generally pretty happy, and I’m happier when I’m with them! 

So if you’re being nice to people, but waiting to hear back from them that they want to be with you, that can feel a bit pressuring.  And of course, the more this happens, the more you’ll distrust, so the tougher your energy gets!

So I’m going to throw out two wild ideas.  First, find

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is jealous of your friends

aarya asks: I’m a female in a relationship. Now I have a past – my ex used to abuse me if I ever committed a mistake. My present boyfriend and I have dated 10 months, and now since i study abroad we are in a long distance relationship. He has issues with a male friend of mine. This guy was my good friend, but since my boyfriend did not like him I stopped talking to him. But here I have no friends. Last month that friend of mine said sorry, and asked me to a movie with a female friend to join us. I was alone there, and my guy has no time for me. I had no friends and so if anyone and asked to be my friend, without a second thought I’d said yes. So when my boyfriend came to know, he humiliated me. I begged his forgiveness, but he said such wrong things. This was a month ago. Till yesterday he did not say a word to me, but yesterday he again started to curse me for lying. I know I made a mistake, but this is not the way. I don’t know how to handle this. It is affecting my studies. Please help. I’m tired of handling it all alone.

Hi aarya –

I know it’s spelled differently, but I find it interesting that I’ve been writing often lately about my friend Aria, a wonderful dog whose life is good now, but who has such trouble trusting and judging correctly, because of all the abuse she’s suffered in her past.

I think she’d relate to your situation very much.  But I don’t.  And that’s because I’ve been way luckier than you two – I’ve never been abused by anyone (though I have accused my human friend Handsome of it when he’s cutting my toenails!).

I understand jealousy, and understand that there’s a sort of compliment in it – “I’m so crazy about you I can’t stand you being with someone else!”  But it’s also selfish – “You can’t live your life because of my insecurities.” 

Now don’t get me wrong, if your boyfriend were upset because you were getting romantically involved with this friend, I’d be saying very different things here.

But my point is this: you’re lonely and bored, and had a chance to get together with some friends.  And this guy made that all about himself, and has since then cut you off, and then come back at you with angry accusations.

My friend, you’re being abused again. 

And you don’t deserve it.

Now here’s my big question to you.  Let’s say you get through this

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend through terrible times

Snowball18 asks: My boyfriend just lost his sister 2 months back, and his grandfather is in a serious condition. Right now he just found out he failed his last semester exams, and today, his birthday, he gets to know his parents are probably getting divorced because his mother is still in shock over her daughter’s death and is not behaving normally. He even had suicidal thoughts a day back. I want to support him as much as I can but my parents don’t want me to see him, thinking I am still small (I am 18) and we are in a long distance. I can’t figure out how to help him but I just want him to know I am there for him.

Hi Snowball18 –

Wow that’s just awful!  The poor guy – this is TOO MUCH!

This is as tough as his life will probably ever get – all these hurts and losses and disasters at once.  And so yes, I think you’re right that he needs your help.

But I agree with your parents about something in this, something very important.  They say that you’re “small.”  And they’re right.

I don’t mean that you’re too young, or that you’re not tall enough, to help him out.  What I mean is that NO ONE can give him what he needs.  No one is “big” enough.

What he needs is for his sister to come back to life.  And his grandfather to heal to full health.  And for his grades to suddenly be much better.  And for his mother to feel better (though she probably would if her daughter suddenly came back) and for that to make their marriage better.  And all this would hopefully be enough to take away those awful thoughts of him killing himself.

But you can’t do any of those.  And neither can I.  No human or dog can.  If he has a faith or religion, this is a time he could really lean on that – not necessarily to pray for a total miracle (like his sister resurrecting), but just for things to be okay (like believing his sister’s at peace in a good place).  But even that involves believing in something bigger than us.

But you, small as you are, can do something.  And something very BIG.  Maybe the biggest thing any human can ever do.

Which is

0 What to do when you meet your crush and they like you

polarbear asks: She was in my school and I had a major crush on her, but I could never even speak to her later after school. She went to a different college from me, but after some time I met her on a bus, and she smiled and said hi. I too smiled and wished her hello, and left since I was in hurry. I then searched her on Instagram and started chatting with her. She replied. So what should I do now? Should I ask her out on a date and tell about the crush?

Hi polarbear –

WOW what a great story!  It sounds like it should be a song!

Now I’d have to know a lot more about her to be able to give you definite advice on what to do or when, but the one thing that’s VERY clear is that she has initiated contact, so you should keep chatting and being friendly at least!

My suggestion would be that you

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend turns abusive

Nemo asks: My boyfriend drinks a lot, and he gets all angry at me after that, and now he has blocked me. He doesn’t give anyone a second chance. I literally wasn’t at any fault this time now. I wanna talk to him, I wanna get back together with him, and I am ready to apologize – but how do I when he’s not ready to listen?

Hi Nemo –

So I get questions like this a lot, especially recently.  Now I’m going to turn it around onto you. 

Imagine I wrote you, and said “I have a human who gets drunk and beats me with his belt.  I can’t trust him, and sometimes it’s so bad I’m unable to walk.  Last night, he kicked me out of his home and shut the gate.  I’m trying to get back in, because I love him so much and don’t want to go find a neighbor to take care of me.  What can I do?

Wouldn’t your response be, “Find that neighbor!  Get away from this guy, he’s awful!”

So if so, why are you being kinder to me than to yourself?

Nemo, this guy drinks too much, and is then abusive.  Now he’s even blocking you and not speaking to you.

Why in the world go back to him?

I completely understand if you love him, or even are in love with him.  But – and listen very closely to this – You Can Find Someone Else To Love!  There are other people out there who are kind and would appreciate and value you. 

What your boyfriend needs is

0 Should you stay with someone abusive because they’re better than your previous?

chebae asks: I’m 18 years old. I had a crush for 5 years and it ended when I get to know his true self (he was just a pervert) when I was 16. And I really had a hard time trying to forget him. I cried and cried, and at last got over him and was happy and busy enjoying with my friends and with my studies. After two years I met another guy at a party and I really wasn’t interested about him at all, but one day I saw his Instagram account and happened to follow it, and the next day he sent a message saying hi. At first I was a bit confused about why he wanted to say hi and asked my friends whether to reply to him or not, and they said just say hi and see, so I replied and he was such a nice guy. Soon we became good good friends and there wasn’t a day that we didn’t text. And one day to my surprise he said that he loves me, and that he feels like he can’t be without me, and said it was love at first sight. And that while he was thinking of a way to contact me, I followed him. At first I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. I was afraid to love again, I was afraid of the pain I had to go through last time and didn’t want that to happen ever again. I’d told him about that crush already so he knew all of this, so I said to him that I’m afraid. I explained to him that when I fall in love it’s really hard for me to get through it. But he said he’s willing to wait until I open up for him, and after some time I really fell in love with him. I was just head over heels for him – but we’ve never met since that party. But suddenly, I don’t know what to say. We started to fight for many reasons and he even started lying to me. Every time we fight I am the one who has to call him and make up again, and sometimes he doesn’t even apologize for his faults. I bared all the things for the sake of our love and I wanted this to last long. But now he even tells me that I am a pain for him. I asked whether he still likes me or wants to leave me, and he said he wants to stop this. I was so in pain, and I ended up crying every night secretly. When I tried to talk to him about this, he was just mad at me and told me to concentrate on my exam (which is 2 months away). He said he is pushing me away because of it, but I don’t feel like that’s the reason. Because even when I give him a call once a while he just keeps shouting and telling me that I am such a pain for him. And he keeps lying to me, giving so many reasons as to why he can’t contact me. I tried to meet him for weeks but he kept avoiding it. I called him many times at night but he didn’t even answer my calls – and he was sleeping every night comfortably while I was crying until late at night. I don’t know how we ended up like this! This time I’m in much more pain than the last time. Last time it was just a crush but this time it’s a relationship. I love him, I want him, but I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk with him about this many times, but he doesn’t respond to me. What can do now?! I am just broken and really sad.

Hi chebae –

Your story reminds me of when I spent five days in the dog pound.  Every hour or so, someone would come by my cage and look in, and I’d get thrilled – I’m getting out of here, my life is being saved, I’m going to be loved and played with forever! – and then they’d choose another puppy, or leave without any.  And each time my heart would break, and I’d be sure that I’d never meet anyone else, ever.

Now as you know, eventually one person DID choose me, but even he had left the first time, worrying that I wouldn’t be the right pup for him.

You have had two potential “owners,” and both didn’t work out.  In fact, both turned out to be really awful candidates – one because you found him a “pervert,” and the other because he went from nice to really mean and abusive! 

But here’s the good news.  There’s no time limit on your singlehood.  No one’s going to take you into a back room and inject you with poison because you didn’t have a boyfriend by a certain date!  So you’re in way better shape than I was!

And you, like me, have a hopeful and open heart.  Which means that you’ve been hurt.  Badly, and twice.  And I’m awfully sorry for that.

But you still have that heart.  And somewhere out there is another boy, who is going to like you just as much as this second one did at first, but will be SANE, and not turn on you like a lunatic!  And yeah, it won’t be perfect, but he’ll take you out and treat you well, and it’ll last a while… and then, there’s a really good chance, it will end too.  Just because you’re both young and growing.

But your job, my friend, is to