Category Archives for "Questions"

What to do about outspoken children

Buffy asks: My daughter is very outspoken. It gets her in trouble in school with her teachers. What should I do?

Hi Buffy –

 

What a great great question!  It gets to the heart of so much!

 

You see, I think it’s just GREAT when kids are outspoken!  You’ve probably heard of the rule that was common about a hundred years ago, “Children should be seen and not heard.”  Well I disagree with that completely!  I think kids are brilliant and honest and hilarious, so I think they should be heard even more often!  (Of course I especially think children should mostly be smelled, but I know most humans don’t!)

 

But I also realize that there are humans who don’t share my view on this.  More importantly, it’s also really important that children are in school, they learn the appropriate behaviors there, which include sitting still, raising their hands, speaking respectfully, and only speaking when allowed.  And the reason these behaviors have to be taught is that they are completely unnatural for Continue reading

1 How to read mixed signals from someone you love

xxxDarkMusicLoverxxx asks: A couple of days ago I realized that I am in love with my best friend. But he recently moved away. He’s in love with someone else but she has a bf. Before he left he asked if he could hold my hand to make his ex jealous; he kept on bugging and bugging me then I said just grab it and we held hands. Then I saw my ex and I was pissed off and he said we should go over there and make out in front of them. I asked why and he said it would be funny. But we didn’t do it. So I need help – I don’t know what to do. Also, since it’s fall break, we text a lot. Also for like 3-4 nights I had dreams of him. He said he’s been thinking of me a lot (along with all the other friends he had to leave behind). He has no idea that I am in love with him. What do I do? I want to be with him, but he told me one time that he doesn’t like long distance relationships. So… I want to be with him, but I am scared to get hurt. But I want him to be happy even if I can’t be happy. Please help me! :/

Hi xxxDarkMusicLoverxxx –

 

Thanks for your question about your best friend.

 

Well, I could be wrong, but I only see two possibilities here:  Either this guy truly doesn’t see you in a romantic way, or he’s pretending that he doesn’t!

 

If it’s the first, you’re in a tough predicament – and you might even be better off that he’s moved away.  Because it’s really tough to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, especially if you two hang around a lot together.  So your job is to move on.  You can still have the feelings you have for him, but you need to find other people to care about (just think of how many girls are in love with Justin Continue reading

How to overcome fear of speaking

Eiei asks: I have something wrong in speaking in public. Most people aren’t interested in me when I am speaking. They change the subject. And I think most people aren’t really friendly to me. And then I’m scared by stress. I don’t want to get low marks at University. But trying to attend it, and scared about it. I hope you will help me. Thank you!

Hi Eiei –

 

You have probably heard the statistic.  Consistently, when groups of people are asked what they fear most, “Public Speaking” wins.  Even over things like Torture and Death!

 

As a dog, I don’t really have this issue.  The only public speaking I ever do is barking to grab attention.  “Hey there’s someone at the door!”  “Hey squirrels, stay away from my house!”  “Hey doggy across the street, notice me!”  Once I have their attention, I don’t really have any more reason to Continue reading

What does it mean when someone takes a long time to return a text?

Lovelyme asks: Hello. I have this problem and its bothering me. See, I used to like this boy and, now that we aren’t talking anymore, it’s like I still like him and I’m pretty sure he does too! However when ever I text him he never replies back, and when he does its 30 minutes later. Usually I know what to do but at this point I’m stuck!

Hi Lovelyme –

 

Well Lovelyme, of course I don’t really know what’s going on in this boy’s mind, but two thoughts come to me.

 

First, kids today are SOOOO impatient!  Your great-great-grandparents probably wrote letters to each other that took a month to arrive, which means it took two months for them to hear back from each other.  Your grandparents could phone each other, but unless there was someone there to answer the call, they didn’t even know the other had called.  And even your parents probably just had answering machines, so until they went home they didn’t know.  And you’re complaining about thirty minutes?!  (And think about me!  The only way I know who’s come by to visit is to smell around and hope they peed on a Continue reading

How to deal with kids who run away from home

Isha asks: If you were a psychologist and you noticed that a child keeps running away from home every night and you decided to help that child, what would you do, ask, or say?

Hi isha –

 

I’m not a psychologist, but I’m sure I’d do the same thing if I were:  I’d work very hard to befriend that child, and earn their trust, and then ask this kid what is going on that makes them want to run away every night.  Lots of kids try to run away once or twice, upset about a punishment or thinking they’re not understood, or even looking for Continue reading

1 How to throw a first birthday party

sab asks: I’m having my youngest daughter’s first birthday celebration, and have no idea how to make it memorable – not only for her, but for all the guests who’ll be attending it. I need fresh ideas! Please give me some valuable advice for my baby’s party!

Hi sab –

 

What a fun idea!  I wish I could come!

 

Handsome had a first birthday party for me, but the only thing I remember is that it was very frustrating, because our next-door neighbor’s fence was being repaired, so I had to be tied up the whole time, to keep me from running away!  (As though I’d run from a party with a barbecue Continue reading

1 How can love succeed across class barriers

Pragya asks: hi, I am my parents’ only child. We belong to a high-class family, with strict rules. In our society, if anyone loves a person from low class, then s/he is dominated. The problem came when I found out my boyfriend is also from a low class society (he hasn’t yet told it to me, but I learned through a person who knew him), but I love him so much now. And he loves me more than anything. Now my feelings have been changed towards this narrow-minded society. When I look at him, I find such an innocence; he has not a single fault for belonging to that family. I really don’t want to hurt him, but I am worried about the consequences. He says he will marry me in the future. He’s really crazy over me. Since I learned this, I am not able to do anything properly. Please give some ideas.

Hi Pragya –

What a heroic, beautiful letter this is!  I have no doubt that every person who reads it here will be moved, and impressed.

As a dog, I pay no attention at all to class distinctions.  I don’t really understand what classes are.  Obviously, people who have more money are able to live more comfortably or luxuriously (or charitably) than those who have less, but why anyone would judge others based on how much money they have, or what family they come from, or anything like that, is absolutely mystifying to me!  When I meet someone new, I tend to judge them on three things only:  1) Do they seem like they’ll be nice to me; 2) Does someone I trust like them; and 3) Do they smell good?!  And I’ll tell you, I’m a total sucker for people who smell really good, even if they’re not too trustworthy.  Like if they’ve been working in horse stables all day – oh I’m in love at first sniff!

But back to your situation.  The more times move on, the less important a lot of distinctions in people get.  In the United States, where I live, a man is now the President, who fifty years ago would have had trouble voting in many parts of the country.  Seventy years ago, all of Europe was at war with each other – now they’ve formed an economic union that’s struggling to keep each other intact.  Times change!!

Class distinctions slowly are breaking down too.  Lots of our favorite stories, in fact, are about romances that push through class barriers, from “Wuthering Heights” to “Cinderella” to “Titanic!”

I’m pointing all this out, not to tell you what to do, but to point out that you are SOOOOO not alone in this!  Your love is a great example of the changes that have been taking place in this world for, oh probably around 200 years!

But the giant question is, of course, what you ARE going to do.  Now one question is, if your boyfriend managed to keep you from realizing his background, do you think he can hide it from others as well?  And do you think he can do so for long enough that you two could get married first?!  But of course, if that happened, you might find yourselves ostracized by your society when they find out.

Another question is whether or not your society (and I don’t know where you live) has any sort of social mobility.  In other words, is it possible for him to change classes in some way, somehow?  If so, and if it’s something you could help him with, that might be a great way to go.

But I am wondering, if these ideas don’t work, whether or not our modern world has had more of an effect on your society than you realize.  I mean, everybody saw “Titanic,” and nobody was arguing that Rose should have spurned Jack for being lower-class, right?  That means that everybody believed that true love is more important than class distinction!  (Maybe I’m exaggerating when I say “everybody,” but it sure seemed that way!)

Is it possible that, if you told your parents how wonderful this guy is, and how much you love him, they would try to find a way to accept him?  Maybe they could help him or his family in some way?

But I’m going to be mean here for a second, too, and ask one harsh question:  How do you feel about the fact that this man, who says he loves you and wants to marry you, didn’t tell you the truth about his family background?  While I’m a big romantic, and want your love to succeed, I’m also a big fan of honesty – and there’s something that bothers me about his not having been completely truthful with you.  So while I am sitting here scratching my ears, trying to figure out a way for you to make this work, I also want you to confront him and find out if there’s anything else he hasn’t told you.  Another wife, some children, a criminal record?!

But if it’s only that he was afraid you’d reject him about the class issue, and he is now able to be truthful with you about that — then yes, your job is to find a way to make this whole thing work.

So please let me, and all of us, know what happens next!  I wish I could give you more suggestions, but I don’t know enough yet.  So if you want to let me know more about the situation, maybe I (or some other pack members) can offer you some!

 

And in the meantime, GOOD LUCK!!  Our hearts are all with you!

Shirelle

 

How to prevent teenagers’ problems

Alexis asks: How can we prevent teenagers’ problems ?

Hi Alexis –

 

Oh my dear, that’s all I ever do!  I spend my whole time here trying to help prevent (or solve) the problems that kids and teenagers get into.

 

There are about ten thousand things we can do to try to help reduce teens’ problems, but the truth is that we can never prevent them.  There are a number of reasons for this.

 

First, life happens!  People have problems that no one can prevent – at any Continue reading

How to create a website

Rose asks: How can one make a Website?

Hi Rose –

 

There are basically two ways to go about creating a website.  And both of them do most of the technical work; then your job is to create something fantastic and make it wonderful.

 

First, there are lots of websites you can find that provide reasonably simple ways to create simple sites.  They’ll give you templates (which means the basic setup of the pages, which you can then add to, to make it your Continue reading

How to build self-esteem

jillu asks: Dear Shirelle, I want to get more confident about myself, but I can’t keep my concentration on any work I do. I am totally disturbed. I have an inferiority complex, which keeps me from getting confident; so how then can I become normal?

Hi jillu –

 

I’ll be glad to give you some suggestions on improving concentration, and I’m all about building confidence and helping with feelings of inferiority – but I want to disagree with you about one thing.  You ARE normal!  MOST people feel inferior a lot, and almost ALL people have trouble with concentration.  Of course, there are degrees of these things, and if your anxiety is truly overwhelming you, I very much recommend you find a good psychotherapist to help you with it (they are really good at anxiety, and can probably get you feeling at least somewhat better within a few weeks).

 

Okay, first, regarding concentration, check out Rated T’s question about it here (just use the search box).

But with self-esteem…  Everybody is worse at some things than most people.  Most people aren’t the very best at anything.  This is absolutely fine, and does not cast any bad light on anyone’s worth.  I will never be as fast as a greyhound, as big as a Great Dane, or as smart as Lassie.  Big deal!  I know I’ve got some worth (at least to you – you didn’t write that annoying collie, did you!  You wrote ME!).  And I especially know that I have worth to my dearest friends.  They don’t want a smarter or stronger or prettier dog – they love ME.

So you’re feeling inferior.  Well, look at the two of us.  I can almost certainly run faster than you.  I’m very sure I can bite harder and bigger than you can!  But you can probably talk.  You can probably grab things with your hand.  You probably can do math.  You can probably sing.  Well I can’t do any of those – so who’s the inferior one here?!

But you don’t need me to put down your sense of inferiority – if you liked and respected it, you would never have written that letter to me.  What you want is to move past it.  And the best technique I’ve ever heard for that is to master something.  Lots of people never master anything, so they don’t really realize how much they can do!  So is there something that you love?  Do you love music, or art, or building things?  Could you take a class, and learn to play the violin, or make beautiful pots, or rebuild a car engine?  Just the act of doing one of those things will make you feel immensely better about yourself.  And doing it to the degree of mastery?  Oh jillu, you won’t believe how good you’ll feel about yourself!  Like the day I caught a squirrel and brought it in and dropped it at Handsome’s feet as he was climbing out of the shower!  I felt so great!  (It was funny, his reaction wasn’t exactly what I expected though – something more like, um, terror!).

The other thing I really recommend is to try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down.  When you walk into a room of strangers, do you tell yourself “No one here wants to know me, I’m unwantable?”  Well, that would be a really good thing to talk yourself out of.  How about replacing it with “I don’t know anyone here, but if I’m friendly, probably someone here will like talking with me.”  It’s not huge confidence, but it’s the truth, right?

 

And after all these suggestions, I have one more thing I want you to do.  And that’s that I want you to get back to me after you try some of this.  Let me know how it’s going.  I would love to help you with this, and I’m sure it would do a lot of this website’s readers good to see how you work with it.

 

Deal?  Can we shake paws on it?

 

Great!  Good Luck, and I hope to hear back from you soon!

Shirelle