Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s mother just doesn’t like you.

Scarlett4 asks:

My boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of problems, including him making some big mistakes in the past.  But now there is a different problem – I don’t think his mom likes me that much. She is just talking with me regularly just for his child’s sake.

Hi Scarlett4 –

Yeah this problem is REALLY common – about as common as fathers not liking the boys their daughters bring home!  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – I think it usually stems from that parent having two experiences: first, having been the person in love with their kid longer than anyone else (falling rapturously mad over the baby, then the toddler, then the sweet kid, then the rebellious teen… ALL of those!); and second, having been the person who took care of that kid all the time, the one whose whole life was built around their child.

So after all that, how could anyone the young person brings home ever seem good enough?!  I can certainly tell you that my human friend Handsome has brought lots of girlfriends to me over the years, and not one of them has ever offered to spend all day guarding the house against prowlers, or chased the squirrels and cats out of the yard, or curled up and lay protecting him through hundreds of nights.  Not one!  So how could I ever say they’re good enough for him?!

Well, there actually is an answer.  And that’s for you to win her over.  For you to be such delightful company, to be the daughter she always wanted, to be her new best friend.

I see it all the time.  Sure she loves her son more than anything in the world, but you’re way more fun to go shopping with.  And besides, hanging out with you is a way of staying close with him, in a way she hasn’t been able to since he started insisting on going out with friends and not telling her everything anymore!

You two can even start to talk about MEN together!  Don’t get too insulting about her baby boy, but you two can definitely roll your eyes at each other about how they’re all obsessed with sports or unable to talk about feelings or never notice your new hairstyles or… you get the idea!

Now maybe I’m wrong, and she’s not this fun loving mom, but rather kind of mean and judgmental.  Well in that case, I’d recommend doing THE EXACT SAME THING – warm her up by being delightful.  I can’t tell you how many times it’s worked for me (often with people who simply don’t like dogs!).

At least give it a try.  And if nothing works, then maybe you can get your boyfriend, who (from your previous letters I know) needs to make up for some stuff, to pay a little bit of his debt by talking to her and getting her to cool it with you.

But first try being her new BFF.  That’s the best way, and so much more fun!

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with Depression.

rain asks:

When I stepped in 9th grade I started having thoughts about death, felt hopeless, worthless, like a failure, I was on edge… I didn’t know what I was feeling I was so confused. One day my friend told me you look like a depressed person so I went home and researched depression.  Almost everything that I was feeling was there but I didn’t want to diagnose myself, so I ignored it. I started being more absent in school, didn’t want to leave my home, but when I stayed home my dad was angry and he said very hurtful things which made me worse.  When I was a kid so many people in my life who were considered family touched me in wrong ways, and my parents fought a lot and they still do, so basically everything that went wrong in my life started becoming a weight on me. I felt like a burden to my family because I scored very low in my exams, so I started cutting myself (I have stopped now). So now three years later I have come to a point where I don’t feel anything. The words that should hurt me or anger me don’t anymore. I feel numb and empty.  I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m bursting out of myself.  Nothing feels good anymore and I have no goals anymore. I don’t feel passionate about anything. My finals are approaching and I don’t what I am gonna do. I feel like a huge disappointment to my family, and I have started thinking about ending it all by killing myself. But I’ve realized I need help and I want you to give me advice.

Hi rain –

Let me start with one simple fact.  You have Depression.

Your letter, in fact, is basically a textbook definition of Depression.  Psychologists would give it a more specific name (Major Depressive Disorder for starters), but that’s not that important for now.  What’s EXTREMELY important is three things.

First of all, it is 100% normal for teenagers to go through a depressed time.  Human brains actually need it – your whole identity is changing from being a child to being an adult, and your mind needs to kind of “go into the woods for a while” to transition.  We hear adults complain about “sullen teenagers,” but they’re only forgetting that they went through just the same phase when they were young.  It’s a necessary time, and it can be a very useful time – your growing brain and self-awareness can lead to your gaining awareness about the world, empathy for others, your own moral code.  These are great things, and a beautiful benefit from this experience.  (While there are lots of negatives about this too, such as loss of interest in schoolwork, as you’ve found).

But secondly, your Depression is NOT just a normal teenage phase.  If I’m reading you correctly, you were abused by your family, more than once and by different people.  This has led to a Depression that has gone on for years, not just weeks or months.  And you’ve even cut yourself and reached a point of contemplating suicide.  This is an Emergency – your life is literally in danger from this Depression.  And something has to be done.

The first, and most important, thing I want you to do is to find a professional to talk with about your feelings and experiences.  I don’t know where you live, or what your lifestyle is, but a therapist, a psychologist, a religious leader who has training in counseling – any of these will help.  But you need someone, more than just a caring friend, who knows about Depression, and can help you manage it, and eventually work past it.

Secondly, they may recommend some sort of medication to help with the Depression.  I’m a big supporter of such medicines, but ONLY when they’re given by a doctor, with someone who keeps their eye on you!  Anti-Depressant medicines are not one-size-fits-all, and a pill that makes one person’s life five times better could make someone else break out in rashes, not be able to sleep, or get even more depressed.

(There’s also a danger you might relate to, that sometimes people feel as low as you do now, and take a medication that boosts their optimism just a little, to where they don’t feel good yet, but suddenly believe it’s possible to overcome these bad feelings… and this sense of possibility leads them to commit suicide!  Which of course doesn’t actually make anything better.  You see, when they didn’t see any way out, they were actually safer!  So again, I’m all for medicines, but only when prescribed by a medical doctor, and with someone following you closely to make sure they don’t take you the wrong way!)

And third, at some point, maybe not now while you’re still at home, you’re going to have to do some therapeutic work about what was done to you.  This will be painful – you’ll re-experience some of the trauma you felt as a child.  But it will be necessary, both to end the Depression and to move on into a better life.

I am SO GLAD, rain, that you reached out to me.  It was brave, and I am deeply grateful for your trust.  If I can help you in any way to find the help you need, I’ll be glad to.  But you’ve already done the first step, just by writing this letter.

I also love the name you picked for yourself.  Because you’ve just had three years of rain.  With big dark clouds, no sunshine, no blue skies, no singing birds.

But you know what’s coming?  Once you’re able to take charge of your life and beat this Depression down? 

Oh, your life will be such clear skies, with such beautiful bright morning sun, and all the birds and butterflies in the air, and the little animals running around grabbing food (and yes, us dogs chasing them with such joy!).

And bright green grasses and new leaves on the trees, and flowers – explosive flowers blasting out colors you can’t even imagine – all because of these three years of rain.

It’s not just going to be okay, rain.  It’s going to be glorious. 

Not yet, I know.  But soon.  Once you can move past this awful, awful time.

Let me know how I can help,

Shirelle

2 Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Among the differences between us dogs and you humans, at least once you reach a certain age, is the way you guys are so squeamish!  Things that seem normal to us, or really terrific, nauseate you.  You never sniff each other’s butts hello, you never roll around on dead animals you find, and you insist on cleaning yourselves with soap and water, instead of using your tongues the way we do!

So you might say we pups live in the world of the gross.  The smells we seek out when you take us for walks are just the ones you go to great lengths to avoid.  And we’re fascinated by watching you work so hard to get rid of them.  Imagine how curious you’d find it if someone took good care of their garden but removed all the prettiest flowers and threw them into the trash.  Well that’s what it’s like for us when you cover up all the most interesting smells and treats!

Now in the past few weeks, I’ve been watching you guys struggle with a completely changed world, a new reality.  Where all the rules are unlike anything that was true two months ago:  DON’T go to school, DON’T shake hands when you meet someone, DON’T go visit your grandparents, just STAY on that couch and watch your iPad and phone!  HUH?!

Lots of you are extremely confused, especially about how best to stay safe: Wash your hands, social distance, wear a mask even though they won’t keep you safe, sanitize, moisturize…  of course you’re all going cuckoo! 

But I have a way, through my gross little brain, to help you out.  It’s all about us dogs (isn’t it always!).  Here goes:

First, if you’ve ever had a dog you take on walks, I hope you’re considerate enough of your neighbors to also bring along a bag or two, to clean up when we poop.  (Yes, I said POOP!  I told you, I’m pushing your nausea envelope today!)  So when we plop out something you guys find stinky and distasteful, you reach down and put it in the bag.  Right?

And you do it perfectly, right?  Only the bag touches our nasty turds, right?  No bit of your finger could possibly accidentally brush against it?  And nothing sticking to the bag could get  onto your hand when you tie the top into a knot, right?  You’re ABSOLUTELY SURE? 

Well, just to test your sureness, how about if a friend of yours offers you a handful of chocolate-covered peanuts.  But you need to hold them in your hand, before you put them in your mouth.

Do you?  I’ll bet you don’t!

In fact, I’ll bet you go, “That’s so nice of you.  Let me wash my hands to make sure there isn’t any dog-doo on them, and then I’ll gladly take those yummy treats and devour them!”  Or maybe it’s “Could you just put them into my mouth?  I’m worried about what’s on my hands.”  Or you even think, “Well I know nothing touched my left hand, so I can eat from that… I think!”

But as long as you don’t put your hands in your mouth, or touch your nose or eyes, or touch anyone else, you probably don’t worry about what might be on you, right?  You might even be on an hour-or-two-long hike with your pooch, and very happy to wait to wash up afterwards.  But you don’t put your poopy hands on your face!  And that’s all that matters!

Now imagine you walk into your home after that walk, and there’s a knock on the door, and without thinking you turn the knob and open it.  You chat with the person there, shut the door, and think, “… hmm… I shouldn’t have touched the knob, there might be some of that doggie’s poo on there.”  So you wash your hands and  the knob, right?  But what if you forgot to at the time, and it’s the next day, and you realize, “Wow I should have washed that doorknob yesterday, when I might have gotten something onto it.”  Do you feel you need to wash it now?  Probably not.  It’s been so long, anything nasty would have dried out or evaporated.

And this is exactly what the experts are saying to do about the coronavirus!  Keep your hands away from your face, wash or sanitize often, and be aware that it can last on other surfaces but just for a time.

In other words, when it comes to your hands, there’s really no mystery about Coronavirus – just TREAT IT LIKE DOG POOP!  Yes it’s potentially much more dangerous if you get it into your system, but the way to treat it is JUST THE SAME.

Okay, now, time for number two!  (Yes, that’s a little joke there for those who get it.  Clever pup, aren’t I!)   And this one’s about Breathing!

Now I think my breath smells just great, but I’m not a new puppy anymore and my mouth has had lots of things in it over the years, and so I have… well… dog breath.  And even it’s not as pungent as some other dogs I’ve known, like those with rotting teeth!  So what would you do if your breath smelled as bad as ours?  How would you keep your friends?!

Well, one thing you could do is to stay a little distance away from everyone.  After all, bad breath is just airborne molecules, that dissipate as it gets further from the nasty mouth.  Some say six feet (or two meters) and some say farther is better.  But either way, just stay far enough away that others can’t smell you.  But to be even safer, why not put a covering over your mouth, to keep all that stink inside, away from others?

Well that, my dear friends, is social distancing, and face masks!  One of the worst things about Covid-19 is that a person can be infected with it but not feel it for a few days.  So when it comes to dealing with others, act as if you know you have it!  And since it, like bad breath, is borne in droplets in air, the way to do that is to stay six feet or more away from others, and wear a mask to keep the nasty stuff in.  (Yes, there are fancier, more technological masks, that actually do help keep the person wearing them safe.  But you don’t need that if you’re following the other rules; leave those for the brave selfless health workers who are getting right up next to people with the disease for hours and days and weeks on end.  They need them; you don’t.)

Now there are those other rules to follow, of course.  Stay home if you can, wash instantly if anyone coughs or sneezes on you, keep healthy, take vitamins and zinc and… oh you don’t need me telling you these things!

But if you can remember the rules of Poop and Bad Breath, you ought to be safe.  Safe enough to get through this awful period, and move on to the sort of world we had and want to have again, a world where all your other problems, like about crushes and dating and anger and betrayal and embarrassment… those GREAT problems, become all we talk about again!

0 What to do when your boyfriend has double-standards

101298_kaur asks:

My boyfriend is younger than me and thus he is immature. He always gets angry at very little things, which is quite common I know. But when I get angry in turn he acts like it will destroy relationship.  And if I calm him down then he will always do the same and become dominant. Please give me solution so that he never dominates me and acts more mature.  

Hi 101298_kaur –

         I’m going to say something that’ll feel like I’m ignoring you, but I promise I’m not.  At least as far as your question goes, I don’t care about your boyfriend’s age.  You’re right that his behavior is immature, but this sort of double-standard can continue all the way through one’s life.  And that’s what worries me – not his age.

         A double-standard is when someone says one rule is okay for their behavior, but another is right for someone else.  So for example, if I say all dogs have to obey their humans, except me, that I get to run off when he’s calling me, or jump up on him with muddy paws when he’s telling me to sit.  And your boyfriend is just that kind of dog.

         He’s saying that he has the right to get angry at you, but you don’t have the right to at him.  That in fact, you’ll “destroy the relationship” if you do!

         Well how do you live in that mindset?  You can’t! 

         So the solution is simple.  You refuse to.

         Now there are a few ways to do this.  Maybe you explain to him that you won’t live with that kind of rule, and that your relationship can only last with you two both being able to express yourselves.  And maybe even tell him that your age helps you understand this better.  I like this one.

         Another is that you just start screaming at him that he’s being unfair and stupid, and that no real man would treat a woman that way, and if he doesn’t like you the way you are he can just leave!  I don’t like this as much, but I sure understand how he might push you to it!

         And then there’s the third, which is the sad one – where he just can’t allow you to be yourself in the relationship, so you have to break up with him.

         But let me be clear – ANY of these are better than you submitting to what he’s demanding now, which is that you don’t really exist! 

         If he wants you both to hold back on your anger, that’s at least equal, but can be hard to achieve.  But this one-sided deal?  Nope, that’s no way for you to live.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 Are introverts doomed to be alone?

Enah asks: Is it true that people who are introverts and also have avoidant personality disorder will die alone (because I have a hard time making friends)?

Hi Enah –

Before I answer your question, let me explain a couple of the terms you use. 

First, all people, and dogs, lie somewhere on the scale between Introvert and Extrovert.  The Introvert side is shyer, more focused on themselves, while the Extrovert side is outgoing, focused on and enjoying others.  I am certainly mostly an Extrovert, while my human friend Handsome is mostly an Introvert.  Yet I really value my time curled up alone during the days, and he does love going out with friends, and even enjoys speaking and performing in public.  So whenever someone says they’re one or the other, I figure they mean they’re mostly one or the other.  Lots of famous performers, for example, are wildly extroverted in their work, but deeply shy in their private lives.

And then Avoidant Personality Disorder.  This is an actual diagnosis, a mental illness, where a person’s shyness and sense of inadequacy causes real problems in their ability to interact with others or maintain relationships.  It’s way beyond Introversion, something that gets in the way of nearly every aspect of a person’s life.

So to summarize this, there is nothing wrong with being an Introvert, or leaning that way.  It’s not a good or bad thing, just how a person is.  And it doesn’t make you unlovable.  Some people can’t stand how friendly and rambunctious I am, and prefer calmer dogs.  Similarly, not everyone wants to hang out with loud partiers, as many prefer the company of quieter, more contemplative folks.  So one can live very happily as an Introvert, at least as happily as any Extrovert.  But Avoidant Personality Disorder is a painful, debilitating illness, that should be treated – through therapy at least, and perhaps even anti-anxiety mediations.

But now, to your actual question.  Are Introverts, or people with APD, destined to die alone?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Introverts can work, hang out with friends, marry, raise families, and yes have dogs!  And do so every day.  After all, if only extroverts did these things, only half the population would ever procreate!  Your job as an Introvert is to own your feelings, and not let others force you into hanging with Extroverts you don’t enjoy (You might have to work with them, or have them in your family, but you get to, in your personal time, choose otherwise!).  If you want to meet someone, you don’t have to go to a loud nightclub.  You could research to find a group of people who share an interest of yours – maybe books or movies – and meet new people there.  You can meet people online (though always be sure to be very careful with that, and only agree to meet in a public place, in case they’re lying about who they are).  And of course you can ask your family or friends to introduce you to other people they think you might like.

But if you truly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, again, that’s something that can and should be treated by a professional.  And a qualified one WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU with it, a LOT!

But your question really touched my heart.  You weren’t asking about the joys of making friends or falling in love, but about the very sad fear of dying alone.  So I want to talk to you about someone I write about a lot, my friend Aria.

Aria was born a shy, timid puppy,  She was then abandoned by her human family, got taken in by another family, kicked out by them too, and beaten mercilessly in her training.  She lived out in the wild for a while, afraid of all people.  But eventually she did agree to get taken in by some nice rescuers, who got her to a wonderful couple who took care of her for a few months, till they found an owner for her.  That owner has worked for years to get her happier, more trusting, and more herself.

Enah, today Aria is not only my friend, but a friend to a good number of people.  She’ll lie on their lap, get tummy rubs, and even play a little.  People love her. 

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, but you have a far better chance of finding love and companionship than Aria did.  And look at her now.

Your job is to try.  To try to find people who are like you, and who you like.  To treat any actual disorders you have, but also to accept your shyness and introversion as a part of you, even a virtue.

And while I hope we don’t find out just what circumstances you’ll die in for a LONG LONG LONG time, if you can find those people you can enjoy, and who’ll enjoy you, the odds are that you’ll find you can live very happily, with just the sort of companionship you crave, until that day comes.

All my very very best,

Shirelle

0 Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

            Handsome told me about a really interesting photo he saw recently.  Two signs are hanging on a fence, not quite even.  One of them says “You Matter.”  And the other says “Don’t Give Up.”  But because they’re next together, you could read them as saying “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.”  It’s all in how your mind takes it in.  And I’d argue, what your mind chooses to take in.

            Now the point of the photo is to be funny, but I think there’s something really important in it.  We see evidence all the time that can be used to argue one point or another.  For example, I see a squirrel a few meters away from a tree; is that good news for me (I can chase him and catch him), or for him (he’s close enough to get up the tree before I get there)? 

            Or maybe a boy you like at school asks you what you got on a question from last night’s math homework.  Does that mean he was looking for a reason to talk to you, or that he’s only interested in you because you’re good at math?  Same evidence, different reading.

            Or… We’ve all seen a sixteen-year-old girl speaking out about how humans have been ignoring the damage they’re doing to the planet, while governments and industries dismiss or deny her words.  Does this mean the human race is moving forward into a new era of ecological responsibility?  Or that ‘The System’ is too powerful for even the strongest voices to change anything?

            Both.  Or Either.

            So let me go back to that squirrel (as I’m highly inclined to do).  Now I could decide that he’s too close to the tree, and not chase him, and I’d be fine.  I wouldn’t have the fun of chasing him, or the thrill of catching him, but I’d be no worse off than I was before.  Or I could chase him and fail to catch him, and feel some disappointment.  Or I could chase him and catch him, yippee!

            There’s not a right choice, or a wrong choice.  But, as some serious philosophers who know a lot more than I do have said, the choice I make defines me, at least to a certain degree.  Either I’m the kind of dog who takes the chance to chase that squirrel, or I’m not.  And in the long run, that definition will matter a lot more than whether or not I catch him.  It’ll be my essence.

            So when that cute boy asks you for that help, who are you?  Are you the girl who tells him “no,” because you’re sure he’ll only hurt your feelings by ignoring you afterward?  Or are you the girl who helps him but then runs away out of nervous shyness?  Or are you the girl who says “I can give you the answer, but that’ll only help you for the moment.  Want to meet up after school at the library, and I’ll explain it to you so you can pass the test as well?”  Oooh, I know which one I’d want to be!

            Now again, he might say no.  He might be busy, or he might be a horrible jerk who says “No, if people saw us together it’d ruin my reputation,” and you’ll cry all night. 

            But again, who are you?  How you choose to look at his question will define that.

            In my country, we have a leader who most voters didn’t want; he got elected by a weird rule from 230 years ago that really makes no sense.  Since then, he’s never gained popularity, and a lot of people who hadn’t known what to think of him now see him as a lying criminal.  The next election is later this year, and the opposition party is engaged in a big battle for who they’ll nominate to go up against him, but in most polls, every one of them comes out ahead of him.

            So why is it that, every day, I hear people bemoaning the “fact” that he’s going to get re-elected?  He’s unpopular, he’s lost far more supporters than he’s gained over time, and he’s gotten caught at numerous illicit activities.  So why aren’t they celebrating?  Yes he might win, through fair or unfair means, but the odds are in their favor.  So why?

            It’s those signs.  They’ve gotten so used to being disappointed about him, they’re seeing “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.” Instead of the other.  They’re seeing the squirrel being close to the tree, not just out of distance of it.  They’re seeing the polluters win over the outspoken girl.  And they’re preparing themselves for the boy to ignore them after getting that right answer.

            Of course, some goals are unattainable (I can’t catch flying birds) and some are easy (I never have trouble getting the dinner Handsome leaves out for me).  All I’m talking about is the in-betweens.  The Hards.  But again, you get to choose what you do when you see those.  And that means you get to choose exactly who you are.

            A beautiful old song sings, “The difficult I’ll do right now.  The impossible will take a little while.”  That might be taking things a bit far, but I can tell you, until I get so old my legs can’t lift me up, I will always chase that squirrel.  Not because I’ll catch him.  Just because I don’t want to be that dog who doesn’t.

            Be who you choose. 

            After all, who else would you want to be?!

0 How to avoid being taken advantage of

PERFECTION asks:

I have had enough of being taken advantage of by people. Being so vulnerable, being good, and all. Letting them just use me the way they want to. I usually only fight for myself whenever I’m already at my breaking point. Right now I just want people to stop looking at me like I’m someone they can use. 

Hi PERFECTION –

This is a huge issue for lots of people, and particularly for good, kind, honorable people.  You have values and want to live up to them, and find that you’re still getting treated awfully by those around you.

So there are two reasons this might be happening (and both could be true at the same time).  In one case, you’re just unlucky, and live in rough circumstances. For example, let’s say you were a slave, or a victim of kidnapping, or a prisoner of war.  In these cases, through no fault of your own, you’re being treated horribly and denied even your most basic human rights.  Or, at a lesser level, you are treated worse than others because of your skin color or gender or some other irrational prejudice.  In these cases, if there are solutions, they are complex and difficult, and I don’t have the brains to help (There’s a new movie coming out about Harriet Tubman, for example, who led a phenomenal system to help American slaves escape their tormentors.  I don’t have the brilliance to tell you how to do what she did!).

But there’s another situation, where the person being treated badly actually does do something (unintentionally, unconsciously) that brings bad behavior on.  Maybe it’s the woman who picks one abusive boyfriend after another; maybe it’s the guy who can’t keep himself from showing off his intellect and knowledge in ways that anger everyone around him; maybe it’s the child who has that “special something” that makes other kids want to bully them.  In these cases, yes, there is something you can do about it.  But I’d have to

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0 What to do when a relationship takes so many turns you could go crazy

Chica asks:

So I got acquainted with this guy T on Instagram.  He was a common friend. We started talking and hit it off in a week. He was not in a good mental state at  that time, so I supported him and helped him in that phase. At the end of two weeks he confessed that he was falling for me, and I can’t deny I felt for him too. We met for the first time on and felt instant connection. We just knew that this was something special. We started seeing each other almost every day. We were really happy together. When I was around him I was the happiest, and I knew it was real, I felt it in my bones. The problem was he was moving to another city for his education, and we were not sure if we could sustain long distance, but still we wished to give our relationship a chance. He had even mentioned about our future. He often spoke about how it would be if I got married to him. He once even told me he felt like I would be the best mother to our children. I remember I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so happy. But after a couple of months my parents found out I was dating him, and they disapproved because in our culture it’s not acceptable to be involved sexually with the opposite sex before marriage, and also we both are just 18 – hence my parents reacted really harshly and warned him to not contact me ever again. He was devastated, so was I. His mother had stopped talking to him and my parents had grounded me. They all were really angry. He moved to another city a week later. I contacted him and asked him if he still wanted me, if he still wanted to hold on, and he said he would be by my side forever, and that he would convince my parents.  But once he moved he started getting distant. There were times that he completely ignored me, but I understood that he was not in the right mental state because of the trauma caused by our families. But after a while things started falling apart. He was getting more and more distant, and then one fine day he asked me if I could give him commitment for marriage. I told him I was ready but first I wanted him to focus on his career so that we could convince my parents that he is the best guy for me. But he reacted really harshly to that – he was like he is not sure if he can accept my parents after that incident. After a few days I told him I was ready for commitment, I want us to build our home together. But that day he said he doesn’t want that anymore. He said he hates my family and he can never really be comfortable with them. I thought he was just angry and will come around, but things started getting worse day by day.  I decided to contact his friend who stayed in the same city as me. But this friend was against my guy. It seemed like he was not here to help his friend but actually break our relationship. After sometime me and my guy got back on normal talking terms, so I told him that I had approached his friend for advice, and in an angry state I said things that I didn’t really mean. But this thing hurt my guy and he broke it off completely. After 2 days I called him and he was like we can stay friends, and I agreed because I knew we would get back, but then after one week he told me about this other girl V. He showed me that she was much more important than me. He confessed he had feelings for her. I couldn’t believe him because 2 weeks before that he had asked me to marry him.  I questioned if what we had was real at all, or was I just a joke to him – if it was all real then how could he just love someone else in just one week. I still stuck to him because I felt like he was just trying to make me feel jealous. I stuck to him thinking that he would come back to me, that he still loved me, but day by day he started behaving really weirdly. He screamed at me and called me crazy on my birthday, hurting me a lot. I was devastated, but still I stuck to him because somewhere I still thought he loves me. But yesterday when we were talking I told him that hurt me in many ways, so he said that this is the reason he avoids me, because I play the victim game and mess his mind up. Even I got angry and told him off. After that he just blocked me, and I’ve lost him forever now.  And now I don’t know what to do and think. I always question did I mean anything at all – If I did how can he just leave like that? Oh God I don’t know what to do?

Hi Chica –

I’ve written on here before about my mixed feelings about cultures’ rules about what young people can and can’t do – I’m a big romantic, so I love things being kept kind of innocent, but I hate seeing true love dashed because of some old regulations.

So initially, I was on your and T’s side, and frustrated with your parents (though I can see their side too). 

But then, I’m really bothered by the way he treated you later.  I understand him being angry at your family, but rejecting you because he hates them makes me think he wasn’t really sincere about his love for you (after all, everyone has difficult relatives, right?).  And I’m even more bothered by his talking marriage to you one day, and committing to another woman within a week.

So as much as I hate to say it, Chica, I’m wondering if you’re better off without him.  And ironically, although it was for different reasons, if you’re better off that your parents broke the relationship off.  They were thinking about sex and tradition, but I’m thinking the real reason for you two to not be together is that he’s angry, sometimes hateful, and treats you like dirt!

I’m sure his feelings have been hurt, and his version of this story is very different from yours.  But even if he’s hurt and angry, there’s no reason to treat you this way – and certainly his treating you this way makes me think he’s not worthy of you.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he unblocks you and tries to make contact with you again soon.  And if he does, I can’t tell you whether to give him another chance again or not – just go with what feels right.  But I do urge you, if you deal with him at all again, let him know that he canNOT treat you that way anymore.  That you deserve better, no matter what you two have been through. 

And if he grows up and starts treating you well, I could support you two getting back together.  But if that doesn’t happen, I think the best thing for you to do is treat this whole amazing story as a great learning experience, one to carry with you (the wonderful parts and the awful ones) through the rest of your life, as you find a love or loves that treat you far better, as you deserve.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should you stay with your upcoming baby’s father even though he’s acting distant?

Zel-bell asks: I am 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend has taken me for granted since the day I found out. He supports me with buying baby stuff etc., but he chooses his friends and nice times above me. I keep on giving him chances, but he just doesn’t adore me. He keeps making empty promises, so I decided to leave him. Can you help me get over him?

Hi Zel-bell –

I am not a big one for telling people to stay in the wrong relationship, but in your case I’m going to make an exception.  For a couple of reasons.

First, it is very normal for men to pull away a bit during their woman’s pregnancy.  It’s not that they don’t care about the woman, or about the upcoming baby.  It’s that this change is so huge that they need to withdraw a bit.  The fact that this guy is buying things tells me he cares at least about his future son or daughter.  But you’re absolutely correct that he needs to pay more attention to you – and you should tell him so, in no uncertain terms!  You are his future – you will always be the mother of his child!  So if you’re still together, he needs to learn new ways to be with you.  And if he thinks you’re a little boring to hang out with now, just wait till you’re raising an infant!  He’ll need to be there a lot, while you’re exhausted, irritable, and in pain, with a screaming kid!  So in other words, I’m suggesting that he needs to grow up a bit, rather than for you two to split up.

Second, you may be feeling more negative about the situation because you’re in lots of discomfort, you’re not sleeping enough, and your hormones are going wild!  I’m not saying that you’re wrong to be irritated with him, but you might be more irritated now than you otherwise would, which means it might be a bad time to make a huge decision that affects your, and your baby’s, lives forever.

And Third, I want you to be a little selfish.  In a few weeks, you’re going to need ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET!  Do you really want him not around?  Unless you have a tremendously organized setup, early motherhood is about as hard as anything you’ll ever do.  Keep him around, and get him to bring those friends he enjoys so much over too!  One can cook you dinner while another washes sheets and diapers, and another watches the baby while you sleep, and another helps to pay the hospital bill!

So my overall advice, Zel-bell, is that you just stay with him for now.  If, a few months after the baby’s born, you still feel the same way, then sure, you can make the choice to break up.  But right now I don’t see how it would help you at all (I don’t think you’ll be doing any dating in the next couple of months!), and it could really hurt your life.

Instead, I’d say to focus on the baby.  And improve your relationship any way you can, but… that baby!  That’s the most exciting thing in the whole world!  And it’s coming to you VERY VERY SOON!

Congratulations and All The Very Best Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to choose between your family and your boyfriend or girlfriend, when a child is involved.

Hemant@12 asks: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl the last 2 years. My family does not approve of her, and they fixed my marriage to another girl. Then my girlfriend told me she is pregnant. And my family told me to abort the child; then we will accept your relationship (but they do not accept it). We are from different castes. What can I do?

Hi Hemant@12 –

I need to begin my answer to you by saying that, first, I’m a dog and not a human, and so don’t belong to any religion or caste.  And second, that I live in the United States, so I know that I don’t know everything about caste systems.  (Not that the U.S. has achieved as much equality as they like to say, but there isn’t an organized, rule-based system of people’s levels like that here)

Because of these reasons, I hope my answer doesn’t come off as insensitive, but it might.  Simply out of my ignorance.  If so, I apologize in advance.

My friend, your situation is ENORMOUSLY difficult.  There is no easy, right answer to this.  Instead, you are facing many questions.  How do you feel about abortion?  How do you feel about your girlfriend?  How do you feel about your family?  How do you feel about the caste system you live in?  How do you feel about the woman you’ve been engaged to?  How do you believe you’ll feel about that baby if your girlfriend has it?  And (if she even knows), how would your arranged wife feel about the baby?

I can’t tell you what decision to make.  What I can tell you is that what you choose will define you.  In many ways, it will define you for the rest of your life, and beyond. 

There’s a very painful story – it was a popular novel and then a famous film – called Sophie’s Choice.  It told the story of a Polish woman captured by Nazis, who horrifically told her she had to make a choice, that they would either kill her baby or kill her.  In a panic, she chose to let them kill the baby (who would have died without her anyway).  But the story all takes place years later – and is about how the woman’s life was affected by this decision, and pretty much destroyed by it.  The moment she made that choice defined her then forever. 

Your situation isn’t quite as awful as hers – after all, you’re living in a stable society, not under the whims of humanity’s most sadistic cruelty.  But, like her, so much rests on your choice.  You can become a respected member of your society, play by the rules, raise a good family (I’m imagining your parents picked a fine woman for you), and have a great life – knowing that this woman you loved, and possibly your child, are out there, hurt by your decision.

Or you could break away from your family, who raised you and have always been there for you, break the rules of your culture, hurt the woman they picked for you, and live the truth of your love for your girlfriend, and be a husband and father to these two.

Which feels more right to you?  Or is there another alternative (for example, is it possible for your family to let you marry this girl from another caste, even though it breaks some rules?)? 

And if you do find an alternative, that also will define you forever. 

So I’m saying that you might be the rule-follower (who left some very important people behind), or the rule-breaker (who left other people behind), or the rule-changer.  All of them have tough consequences, and all offer some joy and love.

The right choice for you to make, my friend, is the one that feels most in accordance with your beliefs and feelings.  There’s nowhere to hide – your answer will reveal your truth and your nature.

And whatever choice you make, if you can also work to be kind – as kind as possible – to whoever is hurt by your choice… that will also define you, in a very good way.  Even if not everyone sees the good you chose.

I would love for you to stay in touch with me, if you like.  Your situation means a lot to me, and whatever you choose, I’ll support as much as any dog can.

Wishing you, and everyone in your life, the very very best,

Shirelle