[email protected] asks: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl the last 2 years. My family does not approve of her, and they fixed my marriage to another girl. Then my girlfriend told me she is pregnant. And my family told me to abort the child; then we will accept your relationship (but they do not accept it). We are from different castes. What can I do?
Hi [email protected] –
I need to begin my answer to you by saying that, first, I’m a dog and not a human, and so don’t belong to any religion or caste. And second, that I live in the United States, so I know that I don’t know everything about caste systems. (Not that the U.S. has achieved as much equality as they like to say, but there isn’t an organized, rule-based system of people’s levels like that here)
Because of these reasons, I hope my answer doesn’t come off as insensitive, but it might. Simply out of my ignorance. If so, I apologize in advance.
My friend, your situation is ENORMOUSLY difficult. There is no easy, right answer to this. Instead, you are facing many questions. How do you feel about abortion? How do you feel about your girlfriend? How do you feel about your family? How do you feel about the caste system you live in? How do you feel about the woman you’ve been engaged to? How do you believe you’ll feel about that baby if your girlfriend has it? And (if she even knows), how would your arranged wife feel about the baby?
I can’t tell you what decision to make. What I can tell you is that what you choose will define you. In many ways, it will define you for the rest of your life, and beyond.
There’s a very painful story – it was a popular novel and then a famous film – called Sophie’s Choice. It told the story of a Polish woman captured by Nazis, who horrifically told her she had to make a choice, that they would either kill her baby or kill her. In a panic, she chose to let them kill the baby (who would have died without her anyway). But the story all takes place years later – and is about how the woman’s life was affected by this decision, and pretty much destroyed by it. The moment she made that choice defined her then forever.
Your situation isn’t quite as awful as hers – after all, you’re living in a stable society, not under the whims of humanity’s most sadistic cruelty. But, like her, so much rests on your choice. You can become a respected member of your society, play by the rules, raise a good family (I’m imagining your parents picked a fine woman for you), and have a great life – knowing that this woman you loved, and possibly your child, are out there, hurt by your decision.
Or you could break away from your family, who raised you and have always been there for you, break the rules of your culture, hurt the woman they picked for you, and live the truth of your love for your girlfriend, and be a husband and father to these two.
Which feels more right to you? Or is there another alternative (for example, is it possible for your family to let you marry this girl from another caste, even though it breaks some rules?)?
And if you do find an alternative, that also will define you forever.
So I’m saying that you might be the rule-follower (who left some very important people behind), or the rule-breaker (who left other people behind), or the rule-changer. All of them have tough consequences, and all offer some joy and love.
The right choice for you to make, my friend, is the one that feels most in accordance with your beliefs and feelings. There’s nowhere to hide – your answer will reveal your truth and your nature.
And whatever choice you make, if you can also work to be kind – as kind as possible – to whoever is hurt by your choice… that will also define you, in a very good way. Even if not everyone sees the good you chose.
I would love for you to stay in touch with me, if you like. Your situation means a lot to me, and whatever you choose, I’ll support as much as any dog can.
Wishing you, and everyone in your life, the very very best,