Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 How to keep someone

dasalujr asks: What does it take for a woman to keep a man and not lose him?

Hi dalalujr –

This is so funny.  I have answered over a thousand questions on this website, and I think you’re the first person to ever ask me this.  I get tons of questions on how to win someone, or asking whether or not they should stay – but never about how to keep someone once you have them!

Of course, there’s no single all-around answer.  Some men like being treated some ways, and some like others.  And some people are just dog-like in their loyalty, very happy to stay with the people to whom they’re committed, while some are more like lone wolves, almost impossible to keep around.

But there are a few universal truths I’ve seen, on how to keep a man (or a woman) in a Continue reading

0 How to deal with double-standards

Jhalli asks: If a girl changes her boyfriend in a particular time to find someone better for her life, but doesn’t find him – and approximately she changes her boyfriend more than 5 times? One day 2 or 3 boys out of them say that that girl is characterless, or a girl who slept with every boy and changed to another when she was satisfied, or they blackmail her with her photo and their chat. In this case, who is wrong – those boys or the girl? If the girl then why, and in that case, which path or step is right for her to follow? And if both then why?

Hi Jhalli –

Do you know the term “Double-Standard?”  It means when a person has (or a lot of people have) the view that some people need to follow one rule in life, but others don’t.   At its most extreme it’s the definition of oppression (one race can drink out of these water fountains but others can’t; one race has the right to walk freely on the street but this race can’t!).  But today it’s usually more subtle.

What you’re dealing with is, of course, not as awful as the sort of oppression a bad government might do, but, in a social context, just INSANE.

I have no argument with those who believe that people should stay completely innocent till they marry.  If that’s the way they want to live, that’s fine.  But to say that men can run around and date whoever they want but women have to only be with one man their whole life – that’s cruel.

I’ll admit it probably made sense a while ago, when women had less control over their own bodies, and there was literally the problem where, if a woman got close to more than one man, she might find herself with a baby with an unknown father!  Okay.  But today you have LOTS of ways to keep that from happening, and just going out to dinner with two, or five, different guys, isn’t going to create any big problem!

I’m not saying that these boys mean to Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

Well… it takes patience!

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

What?!  What did I Continue reading

0 How to deal with creepy strangers

Melissa asks: Today after school me and my friends were sitting in the train station talking, when suddenly a bunch of men appeared and gave us problems, assaulting us. Both my friends were angry but I was calm when the man told me he so-called “loved” me. I said, “I love you too.” I even talked to the man who was bothering me to find out why he was doing this. Most people say you need to avoid such. Was I right to talk to them? Did I act in a right way?

Hi Melissa –

There are decisions in life where the answer is based on morality.  Is it right to insult a helpless person?  Is it right to hit a baby?  Is it right to kick a puppy?  (I’ll give you a hint about me – I’m going to say “No” in each of these cases!)

But other times, the answer of what is “right” is based on the result of the action.  The easiest example is something we’ve seen in tons of stories, where a ticking time bomb is reduced to two wires , one blue and one red.  If you leave them as they are, it will go off in thirty seconds and kill you and everyone around you.  If you cut one wire, it will blow up right away.  If you cut the other, you’ll defuse the bomb and save everyone.  But there’s no way of knowing which is which.  What’s the right thing to do?

Well, the only way to know is to choose a wire and cut it.  And you’ll find out very quickly whether you chose the right one or not!

As I see it, Melissa, you were in a “time bomb” situation.  You didn’t know these men, and neither did your friends.  You wanted to be safe, to not be hurt by them.  Maybe ignoring them would have made them leave you alone, and maybe it would have angered them and they would have harassed you in a worse way.  Maybe yelling at them to go away would have gone well, or very not.  And maybe being friendly and curious would work, or not.

Well you chose the latter, and it worked.  So, as with cutting the red or blue wire, you made the right  decision.  Now does that mean you should always do what you Continue reading

0 What to do when a lie you’ve told makes you look bad

Suzen asks: I have a boyfriend. I lied him that I am addicted to drugs. Then he told this to his sister. Now I’ve fallen in love with him, but his sister doesn’t want me in his life. He’s upset. How do I get out of this situation?

Hi Suzen –

Your question reminds me of an old trick that lawyers like to play in courtrooms.  They’ll get a person onto the stand, where they’ve sworn to tell the truth, and ask them a question like “Have you stopped beating your wife?”  The person starts to argue against the question, and they’ll demand, “Yes or No!  Have you stopped beating your wife?!”  Of course, if the person says “No,” then it sounds like they beat their wife.  If they say “Yes,” then it sounds like they used to beat their wife.  The question doesn’t allow for the fact that they never touched her!

But Suzen you don’t need a lawyer to do this to you; you did it to yourself!  Your boyfriend’s sister (and maybe your boyfriend as well) will want to know if you’re still addicted to drugs.  If you say yes, obviously that means you’re an addict and she has reasons to worry about her brother being involved with you.  If you say no, then they have to wonder if you’re really over the drugs, if you might go back onto them, and all that.

The only solution to this is based in something I don’t know:  WHY did you say this to him?

Whatever the reason was, whether it was to push him away, to make yourself sound more interesting, to sound like an expert… I don’t know.  But if you want to keep him as a boyfriend, you’re going to need to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re attracted to someone like your abusive parent

HoneyBunny asks: I want to have a stable relationship. I will tell you something about my family background first, as many people keep on saying that my mind is unstable because of my family issues. So my mum and dad got separated 7 years ago, and my dad got into a relationship with some other lady, and my mum got married and has started staying with her husband in another city. She does provide me everything, but her presence is what I crave. I have no contact with my real father or his family. And I was in a relationship with a guy and we ended up because he was apparently cheating on me. And I like someone now but that guy is just like my real father. I don’t want myself to fall for him, because he isn’t doing any job – he drinks a lot, and even abuses a lot, but still I am very much attracted to him. Please suggest something.

Hi HoneyBunny –

This is really unfair!  This is too many awful things happening to you all at once!  I can’t even tell if you’re living with an adult now, or if you’re too young to be living that way, and … ARRGH it’s just not right!

So I have to say, it makes TOTAL sense that you would be drawn to a man who reminds you of your father.  You have a deep need for this man who has disappeared from your life, and are trying to replace him with someone similar.

What’s GREAT is that you’re aware of the guy’s problems, and especially that they are the same as your dad’s.

I just sent out a newsletter with a piece on this exact issue – what to ask yourself before dating someone.  If you didn’t get it, you might want to look at it: https://askshirelle.com/2019/02/15/twenty-questions-avoid-dating-problems/

But in the meantime, you have a bigger job, which is to find out how to get what you need from a guy who doesn’t have these flaws.

What I want you to do is to Continue reading

0 How to gain custody of a child

dan77 asks: I need to get custody of my son because his mother does nothing with him. What do I do?

Hi dan77 –

Sadly, while I can certainly commiserate with you about the difficulties you’re facing, and how awful this is for you, there’s no advice I can give about how to get custody.  For two reasons – one, I’m not an attorney and don’t know much about law; and two – I don’t even know where you live, and if I did know law, I’d only know those for my country or state, and so still wouldn’t be able to help you.

You MUST Continue reading

0 How to get away from a possessive boyfriend or girlfriend

bhian asks: I’m afraid right now. I have a boyfriend who is so possessive. He always gets jealous, and hits me after. How can I break up with him? My kids are afraid with him also.

Hi bhian –

I really have two answers for you.  One is something I sent to someone else, about how to break up as gently and kindly as possible.  But before I get to that, I need to bring up this other issue.

Jealousy is fine.  I get very jealous when I see my human friend Handsome petting other dogs.  There’s actually a compliment in there.

But a man hitting a woman is NOT okay.  And terrifying children isn’t either.  So my first and biggest concern is to get you and them safe.

If you lived where I do, I’d know who you could call.  But I don’t know where you live.  So I want you to find a time you can be by yourself, and to call the police and ask them what services are available for abused mothers and children.

Now your boyfriend might not ever strike you or the kids again.  And if so, that’s great.  But please, as soon as you can, find out what services are out there.  And keep that information.  You never know when you’ll need it.

Okay, so onto the ‘funner’ part of it:

I hate breakups.  I’ve never really had one, but I’ve suffered from them, whenever Handsome’s had any.  And he hates them – whether they’re his idea or hers.  Both feel really bad.  But that’s just one of those things almost all humans go through, and so the best thing to do is to get it over with as kindly and as easily as possible.  Here are some suggestions: Continue reading

0 What to do when someone you’ve rejected won’t take no for an answer

Jerry asks: A boy proposed to me one year ago and I said no to him. But he continuously sent me messages, so I replied to some of them to make him understand that we can’t be in a relationship, as my family is so conservative and I’m not interested in all these things; I have to focus on my study. But he doesn’t understand this and he emotionally tortures me by saying that I am so arrogant, I have so much attitude. How do I make him understand that he should stop sending me messages because it disturbs me? We have talked so many times on this topic, and at the end he agreed that he would not send me messages again, but he didn’t stop messaging me. I’m tired of him and I have a fear that if someone in my family reads his message then I’ll have to face a big problem. My family is so strict I can’t talk to them on this matter. I have blocked him, but still his message shows on my phone’s notification. I’m 17 years old and he is also 17. We studied together, but now we are in different cities due to studies. We never talked in childhood, but just studied together. He stole my number from my friends mobile. Please suggest what should I do.

Hi Jerry –

Well I have an easy answer for you, but you’ve already done it.

I get a lot of letters from people with strict families, trying to figure out how to handle the fact that they love someone their family doesn’t accept.  But that’s not you.

I get a lot of letters from people who have someone pursuing them who just doesn’t understand their need to study or work, but they’d love to be with them otherwise.  But that’s not you either.

This boy has been hostile, insulting, and completely disregarding of your requests to stop messaging you.  The one great thing about your letter is that I’m SO happy you said no when he proposed!  Can you imagine what he’d be like to live with?!  I just want to bite him more with each sentence I read here!

So I would have told you to block him.  But you have.  And that’s the part I don’t understand.

We dogs don’t understand technology at all – only a few of us have figured out how open a doorknob (my human is very  happy I have not mastered that ability!).  But doesn’t blocking a person mean their communications don’t come through at all?  I would suggest you contact your phone company to find out how to block his messages completely – so nothing  comes through.  Not his words, not a notification that he wrote, nothing!

On the other hand, I would also think that your strict family might come into use here.  Parents aren’t usually strict because they don’t care about their kids; it’s because they care so much and want to protect them from everything (sometimes to a point that isn’t good for the kid).  So I would think that if, say, your father, or a brother, saw one of these nasty texts, and especially saw that you had been trying to put this boy off for a while, they might get extremely angry – at him, not you – and go do something about it!

Now I’m not in favor of violence, but someone telling this guy to stop what he’s been doing, and maybe scaring him a bit… I kind of like that!

So you might want to save the messages you’ve gotten, just in case you’ll need them later.  But for now, again, I’d just say to contact your phone company and find out how to shut this nonsense DOWN!

And later, when you’re ready to get involved with someone, and you find someone just great, who treasures you and treats you right… OH are you going to be glad this jerk is out of your life!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Does my boyfriend/girlfriend love me enough? AND How to help a new father commit fully.

flowerhotmami asks: I am wondering if my boyfriend loves me enough. We have a beautiful daughter, she’s 5 months old now. I found out that he was flirting with other girls back when I was pregnant, and even asked someone on a date. I was asking if he has plans to marry me, but all he would tell me was he wants us to be prepared financially and emotionally. Before I got pregnant we were almost 2 years in a relationship. When I found out about him cheating on me I still gave him another chance, because he asked to and he was sorry he said. And I love him and want my baby to have a complete family. But again, does he love me enough that he will really marry me?

Hi flowerhotmami –

You’re asking a great question.  One which I can’t begin to answer – I have no idea what he feels (I’m a very smart dog but I’m not psychic).

But I want to talk about something else.  He may very well love you to the moon and back.  But he’s not doing a great job of committing.

This is very normal.  Long ago I heard of some study that said that the time men are most likely to cheat is when their wives or girlfriends are pregnant.  In fact, it’s specifically when the women are in the hospital to have the baby!  Just when you’d think a man would feel the most attached and concerned.

And here’s the big point – it is  when they’re feeling attached and concerned!  The problem is that the feeling –  the awareness of oncoming responsibility, the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again for them, the realization that they might be about to love more deeply than they ever have before – scares them!  And yeah, that’s pretty scary when you think about it!

I have a friend named Aria who I’ve written about here before.  She’s a very sweet dog, and lives in a wonderful home now but came from a past full of abuse and abandonment.  Every day, her human comes home from work and they run to each other and hug and kiss and yowl and just have a great celebration.  And then, suddenly, Aria will run, either outdoors or into her crate.  Why?  Did her human hurt her?  Did she suddenly doubt her safety or that she’s loved?  No, it’s that her brain explodes, her emotions are too big for her to handle.  So she needs to hibernate for a bit.

So if your boyfriend does love you as much as he says, his silly flirting and trying to get a date, my guess is, were just him running into his crate!

(and let’s give BIG thanks and congratulations to whoever that was who told him “No!”  Particularly if they said “What?!  Are you out of your mind?!  Get your butt home to flowerhotmami, fool!”)

Now as you’ve found, asking him if he loves you really doesn’t get you what you need right now.  Instead, your job is to help him grow up a little.

The fact is, you’re completely committed to him.  You even have a baby with him.  You don’t need him to be rich or fully mature, you’re committed to him now.  And you need him to show some commitment back.

So a few things he could do would be – Continue reading