Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 What to do when the job you’ve succeeded at starts to drain you

Stunner_boss123 asks:

I have been in a service delivery corporate sector for seven years. The core of our Job is HR-related and our priority is customer satisfaction.  I used to be a highly motivated and champion of my team. And even this year, i am again the leading resource and got an “excellent performer” appraisal rating.  But since last year, with passage of every month, I am starting to realize that this corporate life is sucking my blood, and my mental and social life is at stake. I am not the one who I was four years ago. Anger and hypertension started appearing in me. Workload keeps increasing and my determination to prove perfection is now haunting my personal life. But due to the self-image I carry around and the sort of responsibility I own, I cannot back down (I am a loyal person and I own my work; I never choose the easy or shortcut way). I tried to cut my workload but management’s trust in me and their culture is not allowing me to. To elaborate the statement further, I am working in an unhealthy organizational culture where competition is everything. From Top to bottom, everyone is encouraged to compete among each other.  In this culture, I succeeded for 4 straight years by beating the big bulls and taking every spotlight from them. I proved myself and management counts on me. Now if I back down, those big bulls will laugh at me and my liaisons. Those who trusted on me and rated me high, their decision is at stake. But as I stated earlier,  the champion in me is tired and fading away.  I am losing friends because I cannot give them time. I am unsettled with my girlfriend because she always complains that I am diverted. I am struggling financially because the company does not have good perks. Even on off-days, my clients want my involvement because of the nature of my work. I am tired, sleepy and always in a hurry.  Now, in my 31st year of my life, these are the things I feel in myself. Several times I’ve thought about changing my employer, but I live in a middle class struggling economy where unemployment is at a boom.  Everywhere the employers are exploiting people. After several analyses, I dropped the idea of shifting because I do have respect here. People take me as an example here. I started from scratch and fought my battles alone, and right now I am a wolf who hunts alone with a solution to every problem.  Do I work myself too hard? Do I think too much? Do I not respect myself enough? Should I learn to say No?  Where am I wrong?  Initially I made a mistake of taking too much on to please the higher management and prove myself, but now that burden and that image is pulling me down. Financially I am doing ok (not so bad not so good).  What should I do ? 

Hi Stunner_boss123 –

So let me start with what might sound like an odd comment – Congratulations!  You are a great success in your company.  It’s rare that someone can, as you said, “take on the bulls” and win, and you have.  And you’ve done so in a really tough field, satisfying customers at a time when pretty much the whole world is dissatisfied!

But things are changing.  You’re becoming unhappy in this job, and it’s even taking a toll on your relationships.  So what do you do now?

I think there’s an answer, but it’s a vague one:  You Need To Do Something Different. I just have no idea what that is!

It makes me think of two big stories in the news recently.  In the Olympics, you may have followed Simone Biles, who many say is the greatest gymnast of all time.  The world was excited to see what she’d do, and she… made a small mistake.  One move, just a bit wrong.  And she realized this meant she needed to step back, and not compete for a while.  Suddenly everyone everywhere seemed to have an opinion – she’s a quitter, she’s a heroine, she’s a mess….  I think the truth is that she’s very smart, and saw that she needed to do something different from what she had been doing, or she might have hurt herself horribly. 

Then we get to what I just wrote about, if you saw my latest newsletter, the U.S. army pulling out of Afghanistan.  A way bigger deal than a gymnast choosing to step aside for a week!  But in some ways the same story.  What the army had been doing there wasn’t working to achieve their goals, and it was becoming clear the way they were doing things would never work.  So they stepped aside.  Did they do a perfect job of leaving?  I’ll let military historians judge that.  But regardless, for better or worse in many ways, the leaders made a decision and moved on.

Now you’ve intelligently looked around at other local companies, and seen that things might well stay the same if you went to work for one of them.  Again, good job!  But you’re right – this is sapping your energy and your enjoyment of life, so something needs to change.

Off the top of my floppy-eared head, a few thoughts that come to my mind are:  Drop your friends and girlfriend (I don’t like that idea but it would take a lot of your stress out); leave this entire career and go back to school to learn another one you like better (my human friend Handsome did that when he was older than you, and considers it one of the best decisions of his life, almost as good as buying me!); become a teacher at a business school, or a motivational speaker, using all the great wisdom you developed in your years of success; or maybe best of all, become a consultant to companies on how to build efficiency by treating their employees with more respect, in a way that fosters friendly mutually-supportive competition within the organization instead of all the negativity that’s bringing you down; or, maybe if it will work, do just what you were suggesting at the end of your letter, and start telling your bosses that you won’t do quite as much as you have been.

This isn’t a minor issue, Stunner_boss123.  Business people have heart attacks in their 30s, they become alcoholics from work stress, and as you’re finding, they can lose their friends, their romances, and even their families.  The same intelligence that’s made you such a champion there is also making you realize how bad this is for you.

I wish you didn’t have to make this decision at such a young age.  But I don’t mind that you have to make it sometime.  Life is such a gift, and you are likely looking at the beginning of a huge adventure.  Will that involve marriage?  Children?  A whole new career?  Moving out of your town?  I don’t know.

All I know is that you’re right, and in order to keep your life-energy flowing, you need to change something about the way you’re living right now.

If I can help in any way – even just to “bounce ideas off” – I’d be honored.  But for now, just know that I’m fully on your side in agreement.  It’s time to become champion again, but in a new way!

Wishing you strength and passion!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend wants you to loan money to his family

K-Xengah asks: Hi Shirelle,

Once upon a time my relationship was great. I had an understanding partner who respected me and was always there for me. But things just slowly started changing ever since he started having intense family drama. He’s in the relationship but not there. He always wants me to be there for him but can’t be there for me. It feels like he is there for everyone else but me. And what stresses me out is that he never understands when I can’t help him out with something. Sometimes it just feels like I always have to be ready to always be more there for him than I am there for myself.  For instance today he was supposed to send money to one of his relatives but was short of a certain amount, and because of that his family kept putting him under pressure to send the money. So he asked me for a small top up, which I didn’t have. And he wanted me to credit from someone, and I made it clear to him that it wasn’t a guarantee I would find the amount because I already owe people money because of him. And I expected him to understand. He told me to call him at a certain time to tell him if I got the money but I didn’t do that cause I was still trying to find the money, and failed at it. Not knowing he had gone to get money from some drug dealer which “I was supposed to help him pay back” without me knowing or asking me. And now he gets upset with me because I don’t have the money when he didn’t even inform me of his decision in the first place.  I’m just really tired of this stagnancy and these issues. They are emotionally draining. Please advise.

Hi K-Xengah –

I have to say, my feelings about this guy changed throughout reading your letter.  At first my sense was that this was a great guy who cared about his family and you often felt “second place” in his consideration; that happens a lot, and there are very good ways to deal with it.  Then it got to being about money, and that made me a bit concerned; “he wants her to loan his family money?  I’m not so sure about this…”  Then it got to you saying you were already in debt because of money you’d given him, and then this whole thing with him getting money from a drug dealer and saying you’ll pay them back?

My opinion of him has turned completely.

My friend, the issue here isn’t about his family or how he deals with them.  It’s about how he treats you.   No matter how much pressure his family puts on him, it’s unfair of him to ask you to come up with the money.  And any guy who’d take a loan from a criminal and give them your name to pay it back is my idea of complete bad news.  All the way.

I realize that in the past he was great, but for whatever reasons there might be, now he’s not.  My advice – harsher than I usually give – is for you to let him know that your relationship is off for now, and that you don’t even want to hear from him until he’s paid the drug dealer off.  Then you two can talk about creating a better relationship – which likely does mean he’s going to need to tell certain family members that they need to find other sources of cash than him. 

But that’s a longer-term issue for him.  Right now I want you safe.  And as great a guy as he might be in other ways, or have been in the past, he’s breaking the one biggest rule any boyfriend has, which is to protect his partner from harm.  He’s putting you into harm instead.  And that just has to end.

Okay, enough of a barking rant on my side.  You said that you’re tired of the stagnation, while I’m responding to fear of you being in danger.  Both are true, and you deserve better, and my guess is that your boyfriend knows that.

Help him be better.  It’ll be good for both of you.

All my best,

Shirelle

4 Number 100! – the relevance of math today

It’s my 100^th Pawprint!  Isn’t that exciting!

Actually it means nothing.  No more than #97 or #102.  I’m very proud to have kept it going this long, but the big deal about the number 100 is just that humans have ten fingers!  If you don’t count the dew-claw higher up our legs, we have four toes on each foot, so we look at eight on our forelegs.  So should I have gone all celebratory when The Pawprint had its 64^th issue?!

But this all leads me to thinking about something important. 

I’ve been thinking about the meaning of 100.  And the main thing I come to is…  geez I’m a dog and don’t even quite understand what a hundred is!  I just keep doing what I like and Handsome tells me that’s how many it is, but… that it!

You see, dogs can’t do math, but people can.  And mathematics (and its higher forms like Algebra and Calculus) have enabled the human race to all sorts of technological achievements, from movies and television, where you can watch that actor William Shatner pretend like he’s been sent into space, to rocket science, which just last week sent… um… that actor William Shatner into space!

But even so, with all your splendid achievements, I so often see humans not grasp the basics of math, the stuff you’re supposed to learn before you’re thirteen.

(Now for what it’s worth, I, like many smarter dogs, have actually achieved some mathematical calculations.  Stepping out of my house and seeing a squirrel, I used to run straight at it – while it would run to a tree and get away from me.  I figured out over time that if I run for the tree instead, I have a better chance of catching him, since he’s going to run there by instinct even though I’m headed that direction.  Cool, huh?  Handsome tells me this is because I innately understand something called the Pythagorean Theorem, but I prefer to argue that we dogs invented the field called Tree-gonometry!)

So let’s start with one of my pet peeves.  Ever since we were in a bad car accident some years back, Handsome has insisted on putting me in a harness whenever we drive on a freeway.  I hate it – it’s hard for me to move around, it’s uncomfortable, and… okay, yeah, it saved my life in that accident.

            But that’s just me not going through a window.  What about you guys?  Well, safety organizations say that, in crashes, seat belts save lives about 50% of the time.  Now I can see you saying “Well that’s not that much.  And car crashes that bad are pretty rare.  And I hate putting that belt on.  So I don’t think I will.”

            Wrong!  See, that annoying belt doesn’t just save your life.  It can keep you from getting injured too.  Or getting thrown out of your seat, which could make a crash way worse.

            And when that awful crash occurs – when that big truck is bearing down on you, or your driver falls asleep at the wheel, or when your car suddenly spins out across a highway (which is what happened to us!)… I’ll bet you’ll be glad you took a 50% improvement in survival chances!

            But one question I hear a lot – what about when seat belts kill?  Isn’t it true that someone trapped in a burning car, or whose car has fallen into a lake, might make it out more easily if they didn’t have a belt on? 

            Well yes.  And about a half of one percent of crashes involve fire or water.  But your odds of keeping conscious in such an accident are far better if you are wearing a seat belt.  And nobody unconscious figures out how to get out of a burning or flooding car!

            “But,” I hear one of you yell, “What about air bags?  Don’t they keep us safe when they inflate?”  Actually, no.  Air bags are set at a certain height assuming the passenger will be in a seat belt!  If you’re not belted in, that inflation might actually break your neck!  (That’s also a good reason to remember to keep your dog in the back seat, always.  You might like the feel of the pup being up front with you, but in a crash, their chances are awful up there).

            So did you see my math?  50% survival, .5% fire and water?  Cool, huh?

            Okay, here’s another.  In 2016, in the U.S., alcohol-impaired driving figured in 28% of traffic deaths, and 17% of those involving a child.  Now that’s more interesting.  “So you’re saying that 72% of traffic deaths, and 83% of those involving a child, had only sober drivers?!  Well those are sizable majorities!  So doesn’t that mean we’re better off drinking and driving, rather than not?!”  No, and that’s why I’m saying you need to use better math!

            The vast majority of drivers aren’t drunk.  About 18% of drivers admit to having driven “buzzed” in the past year, and obviously most of them drive most of the time not in that state.  So let’s guess some people lie and some people drink and drive a lot, and so let’s say that at any time 5% of drivers are over the limit (I’m making this part up; I imagine the actual number is far smaller).  Then that means an impaired driver is about six times more likely to be in a fatal car accident (5×6 = 30, close to 28) than a sober one. 

            I’m too goofy all the time to say that a person doesn’t have the right to enjoy a drink that makes them feel as good as me.  But math tells you – be careful when you do.  I’d hate for you to be arrested for it, but even more for you to hurt someone and feel horrible the rest of your life about it. 

            Math can’t prevent mistakes, but it sure can reduce them if you use it correctly.

            All right, another math question I get asked about often:  When is a good age to start dating, or marry?  Well, the first one has two answers.  A legal one and an emotional one.

            The legal one depends on where you live.  Find out what the laws are – what can teenagers do and not do?  And are there laws about the difference in ages (such as if an 18-year-old dates a 15-year-old)?  Getting in trouble for these can be horrible for the rest of your life, even labeling you a child molester just for dating someone who looks older than they are!  So be super careful about that one!

            But emotionally?  I’m a big fan of holding on to childhood and its innocence for a long time.  And that when the joys and excitements of romance begin, taking things S L O O O O W !   Why?  Because you’re only young once!  There are so many delightful “stops along the way,” as the old song says, so enjoy each one.  And let yourself mature at your own rate; don’t let someone push you into something before you’re ready.  I’m not anti-romance in any way; rather I’m saying to savor it as it comes.  You’ll be amazed at how many old married couples, who have had the ability to do anything they felt like for decades, really treasure a walk holding hands.  Why not learn what they know?

            But marriage?  Oh now I get to go mathematical on you!  In the U.S. (which mostly doesn’t have arranged marriages), 48% of those who marry before the age of 18 will divorce within ten years.  While only half that many divorce if they marry after age 25.  Now maybe you say you don’t care about divorce.  Well you’ll care when the lawyer bills come.  And if you have to split custody of children with someone who disliked you enough to break up with you! 

But maybe you say “Oh but that won’t be us; we’re truly in love and know we’ll stay together like those other 52%.”  And all I can say to that is that every single one of the 48% who divorced believed they were in it forever too.  (And some of that 52% didn’t divorce because one of them died!  Ouch!)

            Okay, then here’s another one that I think is really important.  An adult German shepherd runs about 30 miles per hour, and an adult human runs, on average, between five and seven mph.  The fastest man ever measured just over 23 mph.  So when considering doing something like climbing into a yard or sneaking into a home with a dog, DO THE MATH!  Unless it’s a Maltese, you can’t outrun that pooch, so do the Algebra:  How long will it take you to run the distance you need to, and how long will it take the dog to catch you?  If the answer to the first isn’t well shorter than the second… it’s a very very bad idea!

            And last but by no means least… the area where I’ve seen the most bad math ever is in  dealing with this insufferable virus!  Every day I hear people say that because someone who wore a mask died, masks don’t work, or because someone who’d been vaccinated got sick, they’re fake medicine.

            The statistics are so simple, though.  Here’s the deal: if ANYTHING was 100% effective against Covid, we’d know about it and someone would be getting very very rich off of it.  But just as with colds and cancer, humans have not found a perfect preventative or cure (Yet!). 

            In the meantime, here’s what we know.  The vaccines out there reduce a person’s chances of picking the virus up from someone else by 50-95% (depending on age, health, and the particular vaccine).  And if a person gets it, vaccines reduce their chance of passing it on by about 50% — and reduces their chance of hospitalization by 64%, and dying of it by 70-90% (depending on their age). 

            Does that mean a vaccine is 100% effective?  No of course not, no more than seat belts or driving sober.  But it improves your chances, and those of people around you, incredibly.

            Now you may have health reasons why you don’t want to take a vaccine.  That’s fine.  But if you don’t – what else are you doing to stop this thing’s ridiculous spread?  Staying distant?  Keeping yourself as healthy as possible?  Or maybe wearing a mask, which reduces your chance of spreading by 70%!

            In other words, my dear friends, here’s the bad news: this whole thing has been preventable!  Sure, it began with lots of confusion and mistakes, but if everyone had masked and distanced a year and a half ago, you would have had it almost completely under control, and then the vaccines would have eradicated it at once. 

            Just think about that.

            If people had just done the math… SO MUCH would have been different!

            But it’s not too late.  You, just you, that 1/7,000,000,000^th of people today, can make a difference.  As with so many of the gifts that your humanity gives you, math enables you to make great decisions that help everyone, and dumb decisions that make the world worse.  At no time in history has the human race been more prepared and able to handle a new disease than in this past year.  And while much of what you’ve done has been astounding, you could have done so much better.

Because in the end, all the math ever discovered isn’t as important as the most basic number: One.  The one person you love who gets sick.  The one person left alone by a loss.  And the one person most important to me right now:  You. 

You see, here’s what is amazing about this situation: What you do for yourself in this regard helps everyone else.  And what you do for others helps you.

And that’s more true, and more frightening, and more beautiful, than any math equation ever discovered.

Take it from an expert tree-gonometrist!

0 Beauty and The Best … remembering my friend Dilla

            I hate loss.  All dogs do.  We don’t even like it when our humans leave home for a few hours, locking us in.  But that’s because we’re so afraid you’re not going to come back!  Ever!

            And what we hate worst is when someone doesn’t come back.  When we lose someone we love, never to see them again.

            In some cases, that includes missing the music of their laughter, or even the charm and beauty of their face.  But not always.  Sometimes we can lose someone who made the worst sounds, and looked, well, kinda ugly.  And that loss can hurt just as much, if not more, because in those cases all we felt for them was love.  Pure love. 

            That was my wonderful friend Dilla.

            I met Dilla when he was left to stay “for just a little while” at my neighbors’ home.  Their son and his girlfriend had adopted this little pup, but then broke up, so neither had a place to keep him anymore.  The son knew his parents were great dog lovers (And oh they are!  Handsome sometimes worries I love them even more than him!  I don’t, but I am crazy about them, and just adore making him worry about it!), and figured they’d take good care of him till he was able to get a place of his own that would accept dogs.

            Well, you’ve probably heard that old line about “Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!”?

            That young man’s parents fell so hard in love with Dilla – and he with them – that, by the time he had an appropriate home, it was too late.  Dilla was theirs and they were his, and he would only be able to see his pup on visits from then on!

            Now all this sounds pretty normal, right?  We dogs attach easily, and our hearts are big enough to hold more than just one person or household inside. 

            What wasn’t normal was Dilla.

            This was a family that had always had, and loved, big beautiful dogs.  Labrador Retrievers and such – noble beasts who can protect you, hunt with you, and wrestle with you with joy and gusto.  Dilla was maybe a sixth their size, with tiny delicate feet at the end of his spindly legs, so everyone had to be extra-careful in petting him.  His body wasn’t a long lean runner’s figure like mine; his was more… well, his people usually referred to it as a “lima bean.”

            And his face?  Well, that’s where things get more serious.  To most people’s eyes, Dilla’s was as ugly a mug as exists.  Big eyes bugging diagonally, a shoved-in nose, and a mouth all full of fleshiness, with a tongue that stuck out the side.  Handsome described his look as “Like someone ripped the wings off of a bat!”  Could anyone love such a face?

            Everyone did.  At first sight.

            Why was that?  Sure he was a sweet, playful pup, but there was more to it.  Dilla’s homeliness brought out a squeeze in the hearts of everyone who met him.  While a Maltese or Pekinese might look more pretty, it was Dilla who everyone always wanted to pick up and hug.  As if, maybe, just the right hug could bring out the beauty in the beast.  (But no, none ever did!)

            Now, there’s a lot people can learn from Dilla.  Sure, all humans love beauty.  But they love the beautiful in a mixture of awe, respect, and desire.  Beauty isn’t endearing.  (You don’t look at a photo of Selena Gomez or the Hemsworths and feel “awwwwwww.”  But you might at a shriveled little old man with a walker!).  What made Dilla endear so much was how true he was to himself, and how much he accepted his appearance.  He didn’t pull back and ask if you thought he was good-looking enough; he ran to you, snorted, licked you out of the side of his mouth, and dropped a drooly toy into your lap, demanding you play with him.

            (Handsome says, in his book about me, that one of my strengths is that I know how to “Initiate Play.”  But Dilla demanded it!  An at-least equal strength!)

            A beautiful rose in a garden sits there, waiting for you to see and appreciate it.  A beautiful woman or man at a bar might do the same.  But Dilla’s energy didn’t allow for that – it exploded at you, taking you over, changing you, winning you into his world of growling pretend fury (he was not one to cheerfully fetch a ball and ask you to toss it again; he would roar at the ball, then tug-of-war with you before letting you have it, and then bark at you to throw it – everything gruff, everything adorable – and I have no words for the ways he would pretend-fight with his original best-human-friend.  Imagine raging violence with no actual harm done, all pure love – that’s about as well as I can describe it).  His fury was love, and his love was furious.  And when he was done with you, you were the same way!

            Dilla lived a full and joyous life, loved by all.  Unlike so many of us, he wasn’t felled by cancer or an accident; he kept snorting and growling and chasing till one day his body just gave out.  He’d gone blind and deaf, and was sleeping almost all day, but still his spirit never faltered.

            And soon after he went, it rained.  It rained in Southern California in August.  Please understand, it NEVER rains in Southern California in August!  In the middle of a drought, no less! 

            Some may say it was the angels weeping for Dilla.  But I say no – it was Dilla laughing, peeing on all the trees everywhere, making mud when no one expected it, maybe even making some people slip and mess up their clothes.

            With the message he always gave:  Be yourself so passionately that even your ugly is beautiful.  Love so strongly you make others love what you do.  And furiously grab life for all you can.

            Good night my beautiful friend.  And thank you.

0 Is it okay to prefer to be alone?

Scarlett4 asks:

I am taking care of myself, but sometimes I feel like not to talk to anyone, just simply be in my company? Is it bad that I am loving this phase of staying alone manifesting and doing things of my own?

Hi Scarlett4 –

My friend, no one has ever been more social than your friend Shirelle.  I love my human friends, my doggy friends, and strangers of all species.  To me, waking in the morning is an invitation to excitement, my chance to meet, to interact, to jump on and lick everyone possible!

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love time alone.  Sitting in the yard watching for squirrels, or just sleeping under a tree.  Or, my greatest love, spending long afternoons and evenings with Handsome, watching him work or playing catch or taking walks or just lying nearby, loving feeling him close at hand.

Everyone needs both – time with others and time alone.  And no two beings are exactly alike.  Some people are called Extroverts, because most of their energy is about (and created by) others.  While others are called Introverts, as they are usually happiest (and charged up by being) alone.  There is nothing better or worse about either.  Politicians and salespeople pretty much have to be extroverts, while authors and composers have to be introverts. 

The only thing wrong with spending your time alone, my friend, is if you do it so much that you lose the ability to be comfortable with others.  So do spend some time in the company of other people.  But if you mostly like being alone, and are productive and happy when you are – no one has the right to tell you that’s wrong. 

And this puppy sure won’t try!

All my best,

Shirelle

2 Fido Fitness …a guide to Canine Cardio, and more!

            The restrictions are lifting.  People can go to restaurants again.  Even to the movies (I haven’t seen it yet but from everything I’m hearing, “In the Heights” is a must!).  And you guys can start playing sports and dancing and…

            Wait, what?  You can’t run or floss?  But I heard the rules were all…

            Ohhhhh…

            All around me, I’m seeing person after person in physical pain.  Not just old folks, or even middle-aged.  I’m talking about teenagers with back problems, and children who need to lose the fifteen pounds they put on during lockdown.

            This pandemic didn’t just hurt the health of those who caught the virus.  It has resulted in a world of severely out-of-shape folks.  In fact, from what I can see, it’s only the wealthy few who are still looking “Hollywood-Fit,” what with gym equipment in their homes or biking in mountains.  But for the rest of you guys?  It’s time for some help!

            Oh, but wait – there’s another bunch who also look as fit as in 2019.  Animals!  The dogs and cats and antelopes lemurs all look just fine!  Why is that?

            Well, because our lifestyles didn’t change all that much.  In fact, a lot of us pets found the lockdowns meant we got more walks and fun-time with our humans than before.  But even those who didn’t have that luck are doing fine. 

            So what can we teach you guys about how to regain your fitness?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Shift Positions

I’ve told you about my friend Aria, who suffered a lot before getting a great home, but still has to work to trust others the way I do?  One other difference between us is that she is a better hunter than I.  You see, I run around the yard, finding squirrels, birds, whatever, and barking at them while I chase them.  She’s cooler than that.  She finds a place to lie down and make herself almost invisible.  And then she waits, still.  For hours.  Doesn’t worry about birds or lizards.  And only jumps up when a squirrel comes close, and then explodes in speed after it.  And so she catches them a lot more than I do!

But while she’s waiting, she still moves – just a very little.  She’ll lie in one position for a half-hour or so, and then, making sure no one sees her, she’ll shift – maybe lie on her other side, or sit up a bit – just enough to change the way her body’s weight is held.  This keeps her able to bounce up when she wants to.

But most of the humans I’ve seen have spent the last year doing all their work in front of a computer, seated in the same chair.  And then, for entertainment… watched movies or shows or played games… in the same chair, on the same computer!  And now you’re wondering why your spines are trashed?  NOTHING in nature lives that way!  And you’re not supposed to! 

Whatever your job or interest is, don’t stay in one position.  Move around.  If you have to stay in front of a computer, have that chair, and also a ball you can sit on, and even stand for part of the day too.  And if you don’t have to stay in one place, move around a lot.  Keep your body in motion as much as you can. 

Aria may be still for nine-tenths of the day, but her figure is perfect and she has no muscle aches.  Be like her, at the least!

• Stretch More

You know what else you see us dogs, and cats, do all day?  STRETCH!  If you like doing yoga, that’s of course wonderful – and I wish I could get into some of those cooler positions I see yogis do! – but even if you’re not, stretch a LOT!  Try to touch your toes, or even better, sit on the ground with your back against a wall and try to stretch your legs out.  Bend to the side, bend back, pull your feet up behind you to stretch the fronts of your legs… all this is so good!  Not just in the morning either – do it a few times every day.  (And this doesn’t stop – I recommend this one till the day you come to meet us all in the great beyond!)

• Make Time

One big problem I saw before the pandemic was everyone being so stressed out and pushed for time.  “I can’t talk, I’ll be late for work,” or “I can’t think about that, I have too much on my mind.”  Or my biggest irritant, “I can’t walk you today, Shirelle, I have too many emails to respond to.” 

Well if you want to know what takes a lot of time, try having a damaged back, or bad knees, from lack of fitness.  Or a weak heart from lack of cardio exercise. 

You HAVE the time.  The problem is priorities.  What CAN you give up to make sure you have a half-hour (or more) every day to take care of your body?  Nothing is actually more important.

And here’s the funny part.  Once you start taking care of yourself, you’ll find you have more energy and alertness, so your work goes more efficiently.  And you’ll sleep better (more about that later).  So making time for exercise will actually GIVE you time, over time!

• Choose Exercise You Enjoy

And here’s another area where we dogs are SO much smarter than you people!  I don’t run around barking at every passing dog because I’m afraid they’re going to break through our fence and attack Handsome!  And Aria doesn’t chase squirrels because she’s starving!  We do these because they’re FUN! 

If you’ve found that, over the past year, you’ve been miserable attending classes on Zoom, and then doing online homework, but then sooo happy to play Minecraft for hours, what’s the difference?  Your Enjoyment!  Right?

So why do I see people spending all their exercise time on things they hate – Sit-Ups or Weights or whatever?  While others are joyously keeping just as fit by swimming or playing golf or… Hello?!… walking their dogs!  And if there’s nothing that really suits you that makes you sweat?  Then find the way to make it fun.  Go to a gym that has stationary bikes in front of a television, while there’s a show you like on.  Or listen to a podcast you love while running. 

My goal is for you to find something you enjoy so much that you look forward to it all day.  Or perhaps that you love the way you feel afterwards so much that you bounce out of bed in the morning so you can get to it and feel great as your day begins. 

Whatever it is, from the moment puppies and kittens and babies are born, we all love to play, using our bodies.  Find that in yourself again, however works for you.

• Find Other Sweetness

You want to know who’s done well in the pandemic?  Sure everyone talks about Zoom and Netflix and such.  But I’ll bet you the sugar producers have had their best year ever too!  Everyone seems to have had a sweeter and sweeter diet, with more and more snacking.  And guess what excess sugar does to you – besides rotting your teeth and possibly causing diabetes?  It inflames your muscles and ligaments!  Yes, that pain you’re in isn’t just because your spine is shrinking and you can’t sit up anymore.  It’s also because parts of you that are working well simply hurt now!  So start cutting back on that candy and those soft drinks, and you’ll find things improve right away

• Lose the Pandemic Diet

“Wait,” you say.  “Didn’t she just talk about eating?”  Sure I did, but only about sweets.  Your next job is to change the bad eating habits you fell into during the lockdown.  Maybe before this, you used to have three meals a day and one afternoon snack.  I’m betting that changed!  Now there’s a morning snack and three afternoon ones and then a couple after supper?  Right?

Funny, we dogs didn’t get that change!  We’re still eating the way we did before the lockdown (well, with maybe a few extra treats since you’re around us more).  And so we’re looking fine, while you have to lose your new tummies!

Maybe you’ve been able to keep a healthy food regimen through this time, but even if so, now it’s time to cut back on the snacks.  And if your food has also gotten junkier, then it’s definitely time to improve that.

And one more note on that:  Worldwide, one of the biggest effects of the lockdown has been people increasing their amount of mind-altering substances.  Alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, anything like this.  I’m not going to tell you whether or not you need to stop them completely (though I have an enormous respect for anyone who does), but if you’re using them more than you were a year and a half ago, your FIRST JOB is to cut way back on them now!  You’ve probably built up tolerance for them, which means that using enough to feel good is now being rougher on your liver and lungs than before.  And the police who arrest people for their blood-alcohol content don’t care a bit about the fact that you can tolerate more than you could two years ago. 

So cut back on all.  And life will get better and better and better.  I guarantee it!

• Keep the Sleep

My final recommendation isn’t about changing back to the way you were before the lockdown.  It’s the opposite.

Sleep deprivation used to be one of our greatest health problems.  But during the pandemic, everyone started sleeping in more.  Don’t need to drive the kids to school in the morning?  Great, that’s a half hour!  Don’t need to go to work yourself, or even dress up for it?  Greater, that’s another hour!  Can take a nap in the afternoon because school ended early?  Heaven!

So while everybody got a little shorter and a little chubbier, they also started sleeping as much as they needed for the first time in decades!

Once again, I’ll say – look to your pets.  We sleep through the night with you, but also take lots of naps through the day.  What can you do to help yourself keep sleeping enough?  Can you give yourself a nap?  Can you turn off your electronics at a decent hour to make up for having to get up earlier again? 

And if you remember, I pointed out earlier that getting exercise will help you sleep better.  You know what else will?  Changing positions, stretching, exercising, eating less junk, and especially reducing mind-altering substances.  In other words, everything I talked about here! 

So maybe you’ll find that you can still sleep enough, while sleeping a little bit less!  But it’s the “enough” that matters to me.  And will, in the long run, matter to you.

Maybe some of these suggestions aren’t what you need right now.  But I’m betting that, as life begins to get social and crowded again, some of these will help you.

But really, all I’m suggesting is that you do what you need so that this next year can be the happiest of your life.

Because you guys have earned it!!!

0 How to stay positive in a negative-minded world

Katarina asks:

How does one stay positive when everything around seems so negative?

Hi Katarina –

            Out of all the questions you could have asked, about any topic, you have picked probably my favorite!  Because if there’s one thing we dogs are better at than humans (well, besides hearing, smelling, and biting), it’s this!

            Some dogs live in fear.  I’ve written a lot about my friend Aria, who’s suffered abandonment, beatings, all sorts of awful stuff.  And while she’s sweet and loving, and happy in her new home, she’ll always be scared of “worst circumstances.”  But even with that, she’ll never be “negative,” in the way people can be.

            You see, the problem with you people is that your brains are too big!  You remember so much about the past, and analyze it so much, and think so much about the future.  And you create.  You write novels and symphonies and design buildings and computer coding and put your imaginations on canvases and movie screens – all of which is just wonderful.  But that same creativity means you’re always going to be trying to figure out “what’s next.” 

            Now if your life had always been happy and joyous, that “what next” might be wondering what delights will come to you tomorrow.  You’ve always had great friends?  Well tomorrow you might meet someone just as flawless you fall in love with.  You’ve always been lucky and respected?  Then tomorrow you might get a high-paying job you’ll love.  You’ve always been attractive?  Tomorrow you might get even more gorgeous!

            But no one, and yes I mean no one, gets that life.  By the time you’re a year old, you’ve felt terror, betrayal, abandonment, and awful pain (between being born, weaning, and diaper rash, it’s a guarantee!).  Want to learn not to trust those you love?  Experience your parents telling you they’re having another child.  Want to know cruel deprivation?  Your babysitter says no you can’t stop for ice cream.  Want to know assault?  Your doctor gives you a lifesaving injection.

            In other words, things that are perfectly fine, even wonderful, can feel awful.  And your brain, in order to protect you from being surprised and devastated by these things, learns to assume the worst.  And with that, you become pessimistic and overall negative.

            A few years ago, Handsome met a woman and they both liked each other at once, and started dating.  And of course they both had other things going on in their lives.  But whenever he would change a date – “Oh I forgot I have to work late that afternoon, do you still want to meet for dinner” or “Hey my cousin’s going to be in town that day for just a few hours, can we meet another night?” – she would always respond, “Yeah, right.”  Like she knew he was lying.  Even though he wasn’t.

            And because of this, eventually he broke things off.  Not that she was mean to him – she was actually very nice to him considering she “knew” he was lying to her! But rather he just didn’t want to be in a relationship where he was assumed to be lying all the time, when he was actually telling the truth!

            Was she bad?  No, but clearly she’d been disappointed, and lied to, so many times in the past that she had learned to expect it.  She had been programmed into negativity!  Which made her not just believe negatively (as Aria does) but act negatively and thereby create a negative world around her.  She made Handsome, who had felt positively about her, feel negatively, and end their relationship!  And then be on the lookout for other women to do the same thing, so he could get out more quickly if they did!  Yes – her negativity made him more negative!

            And while she’s a particularly obvious case, all people share this.  This is the basis of all prejudice, when you think of it – people learn to believe this group of people is sneaky, that group is dumb, and that group is evil… while there’s always lots of proof that those beliefs are wrong.

            So what can you, or any human, do?  You can’t eliminate your own intelligence and live as much in the moment as a pup. 

            But you can make a choice.  You can choose, more than we can. 

            For example, if you were in that woman’s situation, you could think “I imagine he’s on a date with someone else.  But even if he is, that’s okay, as I’ll see him afterward.  After all, we’re just beginning our relationship; we’re not committed or anything yet.”  Or “He says he’s with his cousin.  Maybe I’ll call and see if I can talk with that cousin!  I’ll just tell Handsome that I want to find out what his family thinks of him!”  And then when Handsome does laughingly hand the phone to his cousin, who talks him up, she’ll know he wasn’t lying.  (Or if he got nervous and said no she couldn’t, she’d have every reason to keep doubting him).

            Here’s the truth – bad luck will come along.  It always does.  You’d be dumb to deny that.  But your life is worse if you spend all your time worrying about it!  Good things also come along, and that negativity can take away the joy they bring.  “Yes I just found a pot of gold and will be rich forever, but I know my friend still won’t return my call!”

            Look at it this way.  You don’t know exactly how long you have to live, but it’s a finite time, right?  Maybe you have ninety years ahead of you, and maybe just ninety hours.  But either way, it will end.  Would you rather spend them happier and hopeful, or mired in suspicion?  And would you rather people know you as someone who spreads joy or someone to avoid? 

            That’s your choice.

            You can’t control fate, but you can control what you choose to focus on.  When I first step out of our house in the morning I tend to stop, blown away by all in front of me.  The smells, the sounds, the sights, the feel.  I’m overwhelmed by all the new, the possible.  While most people rush out their door, griping about whatever is in between them and their car, not absorbing any of it.

            You say in your question, Katarina, that “everything around seems so negative.”  I say you’re right, but the most important word in there is “SEEMS.”  What about looking for the opposite?

            There’s a cold miserable storm outside?  Focus on the fact you have shelter.  You get a flat tire?  Focus on the fact that you know either you or someone else will repair it.  You have no food to eat?  Focus on the fact that you almost certainly will later.  You have no money?  Focus on how you can get some.

            Again, I’m not asking you to be unrealistic.  That storm is cold, that tire is flat, you’re hungry and broke!  But focusing on the negative means things will stay that way, while focusing on the positive enables change and improvement.

             And here’s the strangest thing about this way of living: you won’t be wrong!  For example, let’s say someone you love is ill with a potentially fatal disease.  You could choose to focus on the negative, assume they’re dying, and start grieving now.  Or you could focus on the fact that the doctors give them a 20% chance of survival, and do anything you can to help make that happen.  Now what will happen if they die?  Will you be “wrong?”  Nope.  You’ll still be right.  You had focused on hope, and now they’re truly gone.  And you can grieve your heart out.  But their last days alive were better because you were full of love and hope and appreciation.

            Katarina I’m not saying this is easy.  It’s not.  But it is, I truly believe, the best way to live. 

            It sure works for me!

            Wishing you the very best,

            Shirelle

0 How to heal emotional trauma in the body

Scarlett4 asks:

I am still single, and my ex-boyfriend got married to a girl of his mother’s choice and now doing all the things that I shared him that we will do after our wedding. He even stole our honeymoon spot — I felt bad, I tried to cry but I couldn’t. And now I am getting many proposals but I am not interested in any of them, so I have rejected everyone. Instead I am only investing time on myself, so lately I was working with my chakras. My throat chakra was blocked due to some reason but yesterday some incident happened which forced me to speak for myself if someone is going against my will. Yesterday one of my friends took me for a ride but while returning, instead of going towards my home, he was taking me out of the city. I shouted and asked him to turn the bike back. That scared me and I felt like crying but couldn’t cry this time also. I need to cry this all out of me.  Please help me get rid of all the heaviness on my heart.

Hi Scarlett4 –

What you’re describing can happen to anyone.  Even a dog (though it’s rare).  Trauma can set in to a particular part of the body, and render it painful, numb, or (as in your case) inactive.  Now the good news is that your situation isn’t so strong that you can’t speak at all (which has happened to victims of assault or war trauma), just that you can’t cry out what you need to.

There’s no perfect cure for this, though time will almost certainly change things.  For example, I know a man who had a similar inability to cry, and struggled through everything from psychotherapy to acting classes working on it, until his dog died.  He then cried for nearly six months straight (From what I hear, that was one great dog)!

So my first suggestion to you is to not worry too much about it.  Focusing on it and trying to force it will only make the problem worse.  Something inside you feels it doesn’t have the right to let crying out, and it just needs to relax and learn that that’s not true.

But my second suggestion is to calmly work at it from two sides.  First, you can work on strengthening your throat itself.  Maybe just doing a deep-breathing meditation every day, maybe taking singing lessons (or just singing more often for fun), or even trying public speaking.  All these will help your throat get more nimble and freed, so that it doesn’t get too squeezed up by this.

And second, work to free your voice in other regards.  Paint, dance, or especially write.  Keeping a journal is fantastic – write all your feelings down in a way that would make anyone else burst into sobs!  Or write stories or thoughts, whatever feels right to you.

And hopefully, eventually, you’ll find that this starts allowing your throat to let other things out.  Like when you yelled at the guy on the bike – that’s terrific!  Maybe now you can speak with strength when you see someone doing something you find unjust.  Or to tell someone they hurt you badly.

And then, you might be surprised at some of the things that come out.  You’ll intend to tell someone to stop doing something (like stop driving you away from your destination), but other words will come out of you – stronger words.  Like instead of “Hey don’t take me the wrong direction!” it’ll be “What kind of moron are you!  Did you think I was some sort of twit who’d allow this!  Turn around or I’ll have you arrested, you manipulative creep!” 

Ooh, that’d be good, wouldn’t it!

Handsome loves to tell the story of when he first got me as a puppy, and how for the first few weeks I didn’t bark.  He thought I might never be able to.  But then one day, I peed on a rug, and he scolded me for it.  So I started to lick it up, and he scolded me for that.  So I nipped his foot, and he scolded me for that.  Over and over, whatever I’d do, he’d “No!” me.  Till finally I got so frustrated I gave a “rrrRrwOOW!” bark at him.  Sort of a growl-yelp.  And he picked me up and covered me in kisses – he has always said that was the moment he fell in love with me.  Since then I’ve barked a lot, many say too much, but I learned that day that my voice was welcome (even though my first words were pretty obscene!  I was mad!)

We each have our journey with our voices.  I’m sure you cried just fine as a baby, but now you can’t.  That man I mentioned basically didn’t cry between ages 25 and 45.  And I didn’t bark until I was about four months old. 

Your body will let you cry when it’s ready.  Till then, just keep granting yourself the right to your voice, in whatever way it comes out.

That’s what matters most!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should one be the “giver” in a relationship?

hey hey peg asks:

I have been dating this guy for 9 months and lately I haven’t been feeling that great about my relationship. I just want to know if I am in an emotionally healthy relationship or not. Since we started dating this guy has stopped texting me first. I am always the one who is supposed to text him first and he has never given me a clear reason for that. Sometimes when he is angry he says some stuff which really hurts me, and he has also blamed me for his anger a few times, even though I didn’t do anything.  But he does apologize when he realizes his mistake. We also communicate less because I am sick of always texting and calling him first. Sometimes I just feel he doesn’t care about me anymore, and it hurts very bad. He also fails to understand that I have problems in my life too; he thinks my life is sorted but it’s not. And lately we have been fighting a lot. He gets mad a lot due to his studies and responsibilities, so I try to understand his moods, but sometimes I feel there is no one who understands me the way I try to understand and support people. I am always so kind and nice to everyone, I always care about everyone, but when I feel alone there is no one to understand me. I have to deal with all that crap on my own, always. I feel like I should stop caring about everything, but no matter how much I try I can’t. I am not like that. I have always been taught to care, to help. I feel confused. Is this relationship healthy? Should I stop caring about everyone?

Hi hey hey peg –

In a way it looks like you’re asking two questions here, but actually I think it’s just one.  If I understand correctly, you’re asking whether it’s right or wrong to be “the giver” all the time in relationships – whether romantic or other kinds.  And my easy answer is: Only If You Want To.

Let me explain. Like most dogs, I love doing things for others.  I love guarding my yard, I love giving Handsome hundreds of licks when he’s feeling down, and of course I love helping out my Pack members here.  I don’t receive anything back for this, and I don’t want to; I just love doing it for the sake of doing it.

However, I also get lots of nice things in life.  Handsome takes care of me and makes sure I have food and shelter and all the love he can give.  And you guys make me feel a hundred feet tall when I’m able to help you.  So it works out.

But in other areas, there is a give-and-take in life.  When Handsome takes me for a walk, I know he can’t stop at every smell I find interesting, but I need to stop sometimes, and need him to be okay with it.  Also, when we greet each other, we shower each other with affection – it’s not just me licking him or just him petting me.  And if one of these situations became one-sided, I’d be bothered.

Like you.

What I see as wrong in your relationship is that it’s all about what he wants at any time.  He feels okay blowing up at you in anger, and then is okay with apologizing when he realizes something wasn’t your fault.  Well what about him holding back on those blow-ups, or even better, checking in with you to see if he ought to blow up or not?  And what’s this nonsense about you always being the one to text first?  Does he never miss you, or wonder how your day went, or just have something he wants to say or ask?

And in the rest of your life, it sounds like a similar situation.  You feel like you’re the one doing all the caring, and no one is caring about you.  Well that’s an awful feeling! 

Now I don’t know that no one cares about you, or that your boyfriend isn’t interested in you.  But it’s clear that neither he nor your other friends are making you feel cared about!  And you need that!

So my suggestion is to do a mix of pulling back on all the giving you’re doing, and letting these people know what you need.  For example, with your boyfriend, just tell him, “Hi, I’m guessing you want some space, so I won’t bother you till you tell me you want to check in with me.”  And when he asks what gave you that idea, just say “Well, you never text me; you just wait for me to text you.  So I figure that must be proof of something.”  And see what happens.

And similarly, when you feel you’re giving too much to your friends or family, just pull back, and give what feels right.  And if someone asks why you’re not doing more, just explain that you don’t like feeling like you’re giving more than they are. 

But there’s one important part of all this, that might be really difficult: try to say these things to these people WITH NO SENSE OF BLAME OR RESENTMENT.  Just be as casual and friendly as you can. 

It’s like when I’ve played fetch with some children who get the idea of fake-throwing the ball to watch me chase after it and get frustrated.  They think it’s hilarious the first time they do it, so they keep doing it, till, at some point, I stop running for it.  I don’t growl or snarl at them, I just cheerfully walk away and do something else, since they’re not playing the way I like.  And that changes them!  They stop trying to trick me.  Instead, they start actually throwing the ball, hoping I’ll be willing to restart the game the way it was before!

And that’s what I’m hoping for for you.  That your boyfriend starts texting you, and stops putting unfair blames on you.  And that your friends and family stop expecting you to do way more than they do.

Except – and I’m repeating my first point here – Except when you want to do more than is returned.  When you want to just give and give and love the feeling of giving.  I sure don’t want to get in the way of that!

Because it feels so good to do!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to move past an idealized love that didn’t work out

Icarus to Fly asks:

I deeply love a girl. I had been in relationship with her. She wanted a break last summer. Since then we talked every day on regular basis. But now she is into a senior. They are together. What should I do to earn her back?
Recently I commented on one of her post, she deleted my comment as her current boyfriend poked her about me. I feel lost. I need help to get things right.

Hi Icarus to Fly –

You are experiencing something we all go through in life.  Yes, even us dogs. 

We all know, starting very young, what it’s like to want something we can’t have.  Every child wants ice cream at a time no one will give it to them.  Every dog wants a small animal they can’t catch.  And the smartest children want every puppy they ever meet, many which of course live with other people who would never give them up!

We also know what it’s like to feel something is ours.  A toy we were given, a bed we sleep in.  Or a parent or caretaker.  “That’s MY mommy!” we’ll hear, a child’s most impassioned cry – or the yelp of a dog when its person comes home and embraces them, making us feel complete.

These are perfectly fine emotions.  If we didn’t want things outside us we’d starve to death, and if we didn’t have things we consider our own, we’d have no attachments at all.

The problem comes when they cross over.  I just hate it when my human friend Handsome fawns over another dog.  It feels wrong, like I’ve lost him (which is never the case; he loves me more than his own life, and tells me so all the time).  And any child whose parents then bring new children into the home knows a devastation they might not ever experience again in life – even though they might end up loving their new siblings more than they could ever imagine.

What’s happened with you is that you loved, and still love, this girl in a way that you feel she’s yours, but she’s not feeling the same way about you, so she’s not.  It’s like the difference between when I see Handsome open a can – which usually means dog food for me – and him tell me “No, this is part of our dinner, you’ll get fed later.”  I know it’s mine, but he’s saying it’s not, but I know it’s mine, but he’s saying it’s not…   So much worse a feeling than just seeing him eat something I would like.  It feels like betrayal to me, when he’s not intending that at all.

Now of course it doesn’t take me long to get over him putting that canned food into whatever he’s cooking.  Whereas you love this girl so much you’re still attached to her after nearly a year.

What you need to do is to grieve her.  She’s gone.  Or rather, she’s alive, but the her that was yours is gone.

Imagine what you’d do if she had moved across the world, or even died.  You’d go through sadness, anger, depression… and eventually move on to where you could get interested in someone new.  That’s what you need to do now.

Of course it’s incredibly difficult to do that with her right there in front of you, though!  And are you jealous of that senior she’s with?  Of course you are!  And likely will be for a while.

But what I find is, if you’re willing to give up on her, something interesting always happens.  You start to feel better.  In fact, you start to feel a lot better.

Maybe you begin to realize, “Wow, she’s been really cold to me for months.  I’ve been in great pain and she hasn’t cared at all.  I deserve someone who’s more caring than that!”  Or perhaps, “She likes that senior because he’s got money and can drive.  I hadn’t realized she’s so shallow!  I want a girlfriend with more depth!”  Or, best of all, “I’m so lucky that she gave me room to keep looking, because now I’ve found someone so much better!”

But that will come with time.  What you need now is to focus on one simple fact.  Maybe everything else about this girl is perfect in your eyes, but she has one simple flaw:  She isn’t into you. 

Imagine you bought a puppy who was smart and beautiful and healthy, but would angrily bite you whenever you approached it, and then run away in fear, hating you.  Would you call that your ideal dog?  I doubt it.  Well that’s what she’s done.  In fact, she’s hurt you more than a puppy ever could!

So my friend, my simple advice is to move on and let her go.

After all, she may seem as bright as sunshine to you now, but Icarus was a lot better off when he stayed away from the sun, right?  There’s such a wonderful world of places (and girls) for you to fly to instead!

All my best,

Shirelle