Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 Should I stay with a girl with another boyfriend?

alixone asks: I am a medical student. I met this girl, my junior in school, two years ago, when she was in a relationship with this guy, a biology student. She told me she couldn’t go out with me, but we could be friends. Then, after a while, we started becoming intimate, but she was still dating her boyfriend – and was willing to marry him. We’ve never had full “sex” but everything but. She used to have some arguments with her boyfriend about him cheating on her, but she wasn’t giving up on him. I was still hanging with her hoping that things might work out in the future, because I really loved her and was intending to spend my life with her as my wife. Now, her boyfriend has finally graduated and she broke up with him. I was thinking it’s time for her to give me a chance, but she has gone on to start dating another guy who is a part-time accountant in a hotel, who was her friend three years before she knew me. Things might get more serious this time: they are from the same local government and village, and he wants to marry her. Now she has travelled to visit him to spend time with him for a week. I will become a doctor this year. She runs some errands for me, such as going to the market and cooking. When she sees me with another girl she gets jealous. I really love her. I have never loved a girl like this before. Right now I am confused and I need your advice please. I can hardly think about any other girl; she is always coming into my thoughts. Do you think I can keep her?

Hi alixone –

I am not a fortune teller, and have absolutely no way of looking into the future.  So I can’t tell you what will happen, or even what could.  But I think I have a pretty good sense of what’s going on right now.

This girl had a boyfriend, but was fooling around with you – who were in love with her.  Then she broke up with her boyfriend, but immediately took on another guy – while still keeping the same relationship she had been having with you.  And from everything you’re saying, she sounds pretty content with the way things are.

So it sounds to me like she’s someone who really likes boys, and treats them well, but is avoiding a full commitment.  As long as she has two guys, she never has to feel like a boy owns or controls her, or that she has to make a decision that will define the rest of her life.

There’s nothing wrong with this, in general.  It’s totally fine for a young person to want her freedom, and to enjoy the fun of romance at the same time.  The only thing wrong is that she seems to have an amazing ability to Continue reading

0 How to show self-confidence without looking conceited

Prettyndsweet12 asks: Recently I’ve had a big opportunity that boosted my self confidence to the highest it’s ever been! I was accepted to be a state finalist at the National American Miss Pageant! Ever since then I’ve found the beauty in myself and I’ve been a lot more confident in myself, but sometimes I feel like I overdo it. So my question is, when does being self-confident turn into being self-conceited? ?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

Your question is something I hear about often.   Nice people like you want to enjoy your success and feel pride, but don’t want to come off as too “full of themselves.”  And you wonder what it is that you have to do to manage it correctly.

The answer is simply in how you Continue reading

0 Does numerology work?

Shizuka blue asks: Are the numerology sites true? Just for fun, I checked my numerology report. It says that I am good but the faults I have read about me made me worry. Now, its like I am trying to judge myself whenever I do something, and it’s made me quite depressed. Before, I took it as a game but after having read it, I am afraid I really bear those traits. I don’t know how to get these thoughts out of my mind. Can you help?

Hi Shizuka blue –

As a dog, I believe in a very few things.  I believe in my own heart, I believe enormously in my human friend Handsome, and I believe in the awesomeness of the whole world around me (including the things I can’t see, like love and magic and the voices that come to us in the middle of the night from nowhere).

There’s also a lot I don’t not believe, but don’t understand.  I know there’s such a thing as Nuclear Physics, but I can’t pretend to grasp one proton of it!  I know there’s an infinite universe out there, but I can’t comprehend something that goes on forever.  I know there’s a number called Pi that also goes on forever that’s the key to how a circle is defined, but I can’t tell you all of it, or why it works.  I know that our physical makeup, and maybe lots more, is determined by incredibly small strands called DNA that hold more information than the biggest computer… but that completely mystifies me!

So when it comes down to any method that says it can predict the future, or personalities, or anything else like that, my answer is always, “Could be.  I have no idea.”

But I will admit that Numerology is a particularly Continue reading

0 What to do when your parents won’t give you, or let you earn, what you want

Casca00 asks: I’m 17. I have not been the perfect daughter but I believe I have been respectful to my parents and fulfilled my responsibilities. But here’s the issue. My father is a Doctor and my parents’ financial condition is fine. But I am pretty much broke. My brother and I don’t even own cellphones. We don’t have any working computers because they broke and nobody seems to care. I had to borrow my friend’s laptop and ask our lovely neighbor for the password to their wireless. My dad uses the computer at his workplace and both of my parents have Samsung Galaxy something something mobiles. They don’t give me regular pocket money, so therefore I can’t even save up, though there is so much I want to do, like taking cello lessons or learning foreign languages. Last summer I stayed home for the vacation instead of going with my mother, and begged my father to let me find a job. I even found many workplaces that are looking for employees in our neighborhood. He refused without giving a reason. Most of my friends are working on holidays and such, so I don’t see why I couldn’t. I tried reasoning with them and asked for them to at least give me a regular allowance or give me some chores to do. But it’s impossible to make them listen to me. They don’t refuse me on this; they just say ‘OK’ then leave it as it is. I am starting to get tired of this. To be fair, we live in a nice house, they recently restored my room, and they never ask for anything I can’t do. I am grateful for things they’ve done but… I want my financial freedom. What should I do?

Hi Casca00 –

This is a really perplexing situation.  I often get letters from kids who resent that their parents can’t afford things for them, or from parents who refuse to give their kids stuff and want them to get jobs instead.  But you’re saying your parents are refusing both.

And this leads me to only one conclusion – that it’s not about money, it’s that your parents don’t want you to have certain things.

Is it possible that they simply don’t believe someone your age should have a cell phone, or a computer?  I can see why a parent might feel that way, as we hear so many awful stories about what kids find online or write about each other.

Although, even if that were the case, it wouldn’t explain them not wanting you to take cello lessons or learn foreign languages.

So I’m stuck.  With one possible exception.  You could have a parent who thinks like Handsome’s mother’s father!

Handsome’s grandfather was, like your parents, a caring and generous soul.  And he was also very Continue reading

0 How to keep from crying

Shizuka blue asks: What’s the best way to hide tears? My friends say that I am very emotional and a bit short tempered. Can you tell me how I could control my tears and anger when I need to?

Hi Shikuza blue –

One big difference between humans and dogs is that humans are taught to hide their feelings, a lot.  If someone steps on my tail and I give a loud yelp, no one thinks that means I’m less tough, or less cool, that they thought before.  But when a person reacts to life in an honest, emotional way, your friends get uncomfortable – they don’t know how to deal with you; it’s as if you’re suddenly like a child, or demanding too much of them.

It’s all really weird.

What I want you to do is to work to develop exactly the skills you ask for – and no more!

What I mean by that is that I want you to learn to find ways to keep yourself from showing anger or hurt when showing them isn’t a good idea – but never to keep yourself from feeling them.

Your feelings are the core of who you are, Shikuza blue!  Your love, your anger, your hatred, your fears… they truly are what make you you.  Shutting those feelings down makes about as much sense as tying your arms up or covering your whole head and body in a burlap sack!

But just as we dogs do have to learn, at times, to stay quiet, or stay still, you can learn to hold those reactions in.

The best suggestion I have is probably the opposite of what you usually try – and that is to Continue reading

0 When your parents won’t let you join a team

problempup asks: I have asked to join the school’s athletic team, but my parents said no. Help, Shirelle – this could be my big break!

Hi problempup –

There’s not a lot I can say, without knowing why your parents said no.  But I’m going to guess their refusal comes down to one of two reasons, and I’ll offer you my best thoughts on those two (but if I’m wrong, and it’s another reason, let me know!).

Usually, when I hear parents refusing to allow their kid to do an activity, it’s because they’re concerned that the youngster isn’t devoting enough time to their studies.  And that’s especially true when an activity is as time-consuming as an athletic team.

But if that’s the case, you can give a decent argument.  Firstly, you can tell them that Continue reading

0 Is it good to start a long-distance relationship?

Wolfy asks: Ever heard the phrase, “If you love something set it free; if it comes back it’s yours; if not it never was”? There is a guy who was in my fifth grade class, who now is in my middle school. We never really got to know each other in 5th grade and I did not “like” him. Now in middle school it is the same story… or at least it was at the beginning. Every week he has a new girlfriend; he is now your classic modern teenage boy with the cute hair and every thing. I found though that he is very smart and is very much like me and my other friends. I found that he is acting – covering up who he really is. I am a weird person and so is he – I can just tell. Back to the phrase, would that phrase count in this problem? He will be going to a different high school than me. I figure that if me and my friends an hour away from me can stay in touch, that maybe me and him can. It would be even better than the situation with my friends because it would be easier to go out on dates. The thing I am most afraid of is Life. Life has messed up every situation with someone I love. My dad, and my friends. There is little left but it is growing back. I like this boy but I am not so sure about it. “It” as in actually dating. “It” as in hurting again. My dad and my friends leaving me within the same month was hard and it has not been even a year. What do you think?

Hi Wolfy –

To my mind, you’re really asking two questions, or at least you’re bringing up two things.  One is about whether this boy going to high school far away will bring you closer.  The other is about your fear of what Life does.

That famous line about letting something go probably was originally written about a dog – don’t you think?  We’re so loyal to those we love, but we’re always pulling to get away and sniff the world out.  So it’s a great test with a dog to let it go and see if or when it comes back.  And if it doesn’t, yeah, it probably wants to be with someone else.  (Of course, in a city, there are a lot of very good reasons not to try this experiment – cars, police, dog-nappers… keep that pup HOME!)

But it also does apply to people, especially with romance.  If you’re dating someone and they say they need space, it’s very normal to suddenly cling all the tighter to them.  Which is likely to make them feel suffocated.  Whereas if you say “okay, go ahead,” you might well find that they come back to you, happy and refreshed.

But this boy, at least if I’m understanding your letter right, doesn’t currently have a relationship with you, right?  So what you’re asking is whether or not to become Continue reading

0 How to keep listening to music your parent thinks is harmful

BVB ARMY asks: I took your advice and I’m 2 months clean (I haven’t cut in 2 months) but my mom says that the music I listen to is having a bad influence on me (I listen to rock and metal, etc.), and she thinks I’m going to become a Satanist. I’m really annoyed because it’s so hard to reason with her, and now she’s convinced because one of my mom’s stupid friends told her about a guy who liked the same type of music as me who then became a Satanist, and he started cutting and stuff and he went and joined with a Satanist group and has never been seen since. And since I’m a little depressed, my music is my only escape – and my mom wants me to stop listening to it even though it helps me. She just doesn’t get it! I tried to explain to her, but she says music can’t help anyone unless they want to go hell (my family is really religious), and she says if I listen to them I will become depressed (which I already am but she doesn’t know – and I can’t tell her because I don’t know how she will react. Once I tried to tell her and I almost started crying, so I changed the subject.

Hi BVB ARMY –

Thanks for telling me about your two months without cutting!  That’s GREAT news!  You’ve made my day!!!

I’ve written other pieces about the question of what kinds of music are good or bad.  But I think the real issue here isn’t about the music itself, but about your relationship with your mother.  She doesn’t sound like a bad woman to me – she sounds scared.  And scared because she loves you more than anything else in the entire world.

Now , I don’t agree with her opinion (or rather, her friend’s opinion) about heavy metal.  But I know that if I were doing something that Handsome thought was harmful for me, he would do everything in his power to stop it.  Like when I built up the strength and know-how enough to get over the fence and go out of our yard.  He had other stuff he had to do, but put it all aside to put up more fencing, so I couldn’t get out.  It’s not that I was being bad, it’s that he was petrified I’d get lost or run over or picked up by dogcatchers!  That’s how your mom’s feeling.

Your best bet, now, is to Continue reading

0 How to get past a trauma

Cashy asks: I am socializing now, but only with people I am familiar with. But I always feel awkward around boys I don’t interact with much (friends of friends mainly). I see them on a daily basis but I am still not comfortable with them. I am very quiet when I am around them. And I don’t like staying around boys when I am the only girl there, even if my guy best friend is there – I usually leave when my girl best friend leaves without even a goodbye. And I don’t actually know why. I have two theories as to why I am so awkward around them. One could be because I spent most of my childhood with no boys, only my sisters, or it could be because I was molested several times by different people when I was younger. Do you think my social awkwardness around unknown people is because I was molested? I mostly feel awkward around boys but I also feel awkward around normal people (waiters, cashiers, etc.). How can I cure myself of this? For example, I had several flashbacks of my molestations today, so I was super quiet. Should I share this with my friends? I shared this with one friend already who had been molested once too, and it felt better to know that I am not alone. So I want to tell another best friend, who I highly doubt has been molested. How do I move on with my life with knowing what happened to me? I know you would like me to see a therapist, but I would like to recover first without one. But if I am not able to move on, I will see a counselor if necessary.

Hi Cashy –

We dogs aren’t known for subtlety or “beating around the bush.”  So I’ll jump in on this one the same way I would on a squirrel or a pizza:  Yes, I think your social awkwardness is absolutely related to having been molested!  And yes, I want you to seek out better help than this loving, caring pup can give.

Here’s the deal.  Of course I don’t know the details of what was done to you, but children live in a world where they feel vulnerable and attacked all the time – a mean kid, an angry parent, a mean teacher, or (I hate to admit it but) a nasty dog all are really frightening to kids.  And yet, somehow they survive all that, and learn from it, and are able to grow into healthy adults.  But sometimes, an adult does things to a child that go beyond what’s normally Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend accuses you of lying

samantha asks: My boyfriend thinks I lied to him. I didn’t, but he won’t believe me and won’t answer my texts. Here is the situation: I got worried that he may have been cheating on me so I added one of his friends on snapchat that I saw he snapchats a lot, just wanted to see who the person was. On Monday, she posted a 45 second story of her in the car listening to music, but it never showed her face, so I went on with my day. Later in the day, my boyfriend texted me that his best friend said I screenshot her story on snapchat, so I replied saying I didn’t but that I watched the story. He then replied, “So you’re gonna lie when you just blocked her on snapchat? Why are you lying?” (with some more colorful words as well). I replied, “I haven’t blocked anyone or erased anyone or anything. I’m so confused about what you’re talking about.” He responded, “She called me all weekend asking who you were, and I know you blocked her.” And I responded, “I didn’t block her,” and he said “She doesn’t even know you,” so I then told him I had added her on snapchat to see who she was and that was it, and he accused me of lying again. I’ve since then tried to see him so we can talk in person, but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts.

Hi samantha –

You probably know, I’m usually a very positive-minded pup, eager to encourage people to try to make relationships work.  But in this particular case, I’m afraid I’m coming from a somewhat less excited place.

Let me explain.  Lots of couples treat each other well most of the time, but get into misunderstandings or arguments, which can often result in problems, and I’m so happy to step in and try to help them work things out, and get back to the loving place where everyone is happier.

But I’m not seeing that here!

I’m seeing a guy who’s very Continue reading