Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to treat yourself well when you’re in a relationship

The Diamond Rule … a key to healthy relationships

It really should be easy, shouldn’t it?  If I see another dog I think looks fun, I go up and sniff them, and if they smell right and are nice to me, we play.  One of us might get tired more quickly than the other, or not like to play as roughly, but in general, we’re pretty set.

But you guys!  You meet someone you’re attracted to, and instantly a zillion rules come in – they have to do this or not do that, they need to have done this and not have done that, they need to fit this part of your life and improve that part of your life, and they’d better not be of that religion or support that politician or…

And this is all before any actual relationship gets going!

Then it turns into a whole different bowl of food, with questions of how much communication is too little and how much is stifling, and should you act tough or vulnerable, and when’s the right time to do this and the wrong time to do that, and…

Really, it’s amazing you humans ever work anything out with each other at all!

But I’ll admit, there’s one issue I’ve seen that bothers me more than any other.  And that’s when you guys allow people to treat you badly. And how often you do that!

It’s true that we dogs can do that too, but we are programmed to bond with a pack leader, and accept whatever treatment we get from them. But you guys ARE the pack leaders! All seven billion of you – you’re the ones we sit and heel for. So when I see any of you getting involved with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you want, I just want to cry! If you can’t insist on being treated right, what hope do we have?!

And believe me, I understand how it happens. You’re really attracted to someone, they’re fascinating and funny, it’s exciting to think they could care about you, so you turn a blind eye to those insults, or their false accusations, or the times they ignore you, or the times they tell you you’re wrong to feel the way you do. Or the times they slap you. Or force things on you. Or cheat on you. Or beat you up.

Where is a person supposed to draw the line? At what point do you say, “I’m not being treated right, so I’m out of here”? Is it when they make their first mean comment? (Well, probably not – or you won’t ever get a lasting relationship with anyone.) When they show interest in someone else? When they don’t return your text on time? When they threaten you?

Look, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad moods. I snapped at Handsome a couple of times when I was young, teeth and all (hey – I do not like getting my nails clipped, alright?!). And I’m awfully glad he didn’t send me back to the pound for it! But if I had been always attacking and biting him, I’m sure he’d have lost some of the love that’s been the basis of my life. So again, there has to be a line one can draw. What is it?

Well, I think back on this brilliant concept you humans have, in nearly every culture – what’s referred to as The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Maybe the most brilliant statement of morality ever created. But that’s all about what we do, about treating others well. What do we say about how we let others treat us?

I’m suggesting an addition. A Diamond Rule, to go along with all those rings people are putting on each other’s fingers these days. And here is is:

“Only let others in if they treat you the way you would treat them.”

That simple. Just that.

Think about it. If you’re someone who wants a relationship where you can date other people, and your boyfriend goes out with another girl, it would be unfair to get on his case for it; you should cheer him on. But if you want to be monogamous and faithful to each other, and he’s cheating, then something should change: either he stop doing it, or you get out.

Now that’s all simple, but of course, this gets more complex. For example, there’s no way Handsome is going to lick all over my face (not the way my hair sheds!), and it would hurt him if I petted him as strongly as he pets me, with my rough paws. So we don’t do the same things the other does. But when we meet, we sure do make an equal fuss over each other. And we work to make sure we never physically hurt each other (and we both make mistakes in that area too, and apologize when we do, like if I accidentally bite him while jumping for a toy he’s holding, or if he steps on my tail).

Similarly, one person in a couple might really want a lot of attention when they’re feeling bad, and the other might prefer to be left alone when they are. So the Golden Rule wouldn’t say both have to choose just one or the other; it says to give the other person what they need, just the way you’d want your needs met.

And the Diamond Rule says that you should only stay in a relationship where they’re respecting your feelings to the same degree you respect theirs.

The great thing about the Diamond Rule is that it takes all judgment out of the situation. If you’re not treating me the way I treat you, that doesn’t make you a bad person; it just means we’re not a good match. But that can be fixed, if we talk it out and find a way to make it equal. And if not, bye-bye!

Okay, so I’ve been playing with this idea for a few weeks, while answering your questions as they come in. And right in the middle of this, an amazing coincidence happened. One of you, my pack, wrote me a letter that described just this thought with such eloquence I wrote them back and asked if I could quote it. Check this out, from my friend Confused:

“I finally took time to focus on myself and my well-being. It made me realize who I am and what I truly deserve.

“I realized that I put him before me, which is something that I’m never (ever) going to do again. Throughout the relationship, I was depressed– not because of him. I had been depressed for a while before I started dating him. Instead of trying to better myself, I focused on trying to make him a better person. I focused on trying to help him with his problems rather than focusing on how I was feeling. Although it hurt when we broke up, I realized that I can’t make someone else feel truly happy if I can’t make myself feel happy. 

“After months, I feel like I am a completely different person with a completely different mindset– a better mindset. Next time, I’m not going to get myself in a relationship until I know that the person is truly there for me and is truly willing to help me become a better person. I’m so grateful that I learned this while I’m still young.”

I’m not the kind of dog who wears diamond collars, so I don’t have any diamonds to give. But if I did, I’d give one to Confused for that letter – that person has got the Diamond Rule down perfectly!

So back to you, my readers! Can you do this? Can you insist that someone treat you the way you like treating them? Can you make yourself a vow that you’ll get out if a relationship is going the wrong way?

Or to put it in the simplest way: Do you love yourself enough to treat yourself the way I would treat you?

Because like most dogs, the way I treat people I like is overwhelming with love, loyalty, and lunacy.

And that’s JUST what you deserve to give yourself!

0 How to handle an addict parent

Reena asks: It’s been more than nine years now that my single mother is an alcoholic. I won’t bore you with the details because even I am genuinely fed up and bored. Pastors, priests, counseling, therapy, lectures, elderly wise ppl advice etc. Everything is tried and tested, nothing has worked. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO QUIT. I am not a manipulative person and don’t know how to handle the issue. Over the years she has ruined our Birthdays, feasts, all special occasions with her uncontrollable drinking. The problem is, she is not a bad person. When she is sober, she is the sweetest, nicest person you might have met. When my friends come home, they like her more than me. I have asked her repeatedly over the years, what she wants? But she won’t open up. Trust me Shirelle, if she wants to re marry, I’ll stand by her. Forget society, forget her brothers and sisters. I’ll stand by her. Maybe she’s lonely, I don’t know. I’ve tried to figure out but in vain. She is a hairstylist and a few months back lost her work stuff worth almost 25,000. Lost a watch I gifted her worth 10,000 and has lost so many phones that she could appear in the book of records. She couldn’t care less. In my society, I am the crazy one because of my yelling and crying and breakdowns. I have stopped all that now since it is only painting me badly. I am all of 27 and am being very honest in this email. I have no Life and though I don’t show it, my colleagues see through me. They know I have no Life. There are a lot of money problems going on in the house right now and I give my entire salary in the house and sit at home every weekend because I have no money to go out. I have lost a few friends because of this and guys who I could date. Believe it or not, I have dated just one guy so far, that too online relationship. He never came to meet in person. My cousin’s sister makes fun of me because she knows I never have money. I am trying to help her as much as I can but don’t know what else to do. Maybe lack of money is the reason for her drinking, I don’t know. I have never told this to anyone but I am confiding in you in this email. I am even contemplating never getting married so I can help her financially till the end. She is a single mother and my father never provided any alimony. I know Life has been hard for her. And all I can do is help her. But I really don’t know what else I can do. She is very immature and I am tired of playing her mother. I genuinely don’t want to. I want to live like other normal single girls my age, who live and enjoy their lives. Please advise ??

Hi Reena –

Oh my dear, I have so much to say in response to you, it’s hard to know where to start.  But maybe it’s best with the physical.

I don’t know about birds, fish, or insects, but it does seem that all us mammals have brains that can become addicted to things.  You might have heard or read about scientific studies with mice.  And certainly it’s true for us dogs.

Now what do I mean by Addicted?  Well, of course we all have things we’ve enjoyed, and want to experience them again.  Handsome drops a peanut butter sandwich onto the floor, and I grab it before he can pick it up, and I really like the taste of it and want to have it again whenever I can.  Or he scratches that spot just under my ears, and I love it and hope he’ll do it again.  This is all sensible and purely healthy.

But there are certain substances that work in different ways in our brains.  It’s not even about enjoying them (though at first, at least, they’re almost always enjoyable).  It’s that our brains tell us we NEED them.  And a situation is created where we feel really bad when we aren’t getting them (this is called “withdrawal.”).  Now this can happen on a minor level.  People get addicted to lots of sugar, or to playing video games, and feel something’s wrong if they can’t have them.  One can even develop an addiction to high exercise, or to the chemical (adrenaline) that comes with excitement.  I definitely have those – and they’re not all that bad as addictions go.  And of course, we develop an addiction to those we love and live with – I’m a wreck when Handsome leaves town for days.  It’s not just that I like having him around, or miss him; I’m literally suffering withdrawal from him (and he from me, which I can feel in the way he hugs me when he gets back!).

But with certain substances, it gets far far worse.  Some chemicals interact with brains in special ways, that make the brains feel they need them like we need air or food or water.  And even though we know that we don’t really need them that badly, these chemicals make our brain believe it anyway.  And THAT’S when addictions can become really dangerous.

You see, it’s one thing if I want a cookie so badly that I get myself in trouble by jumping up onto the kitchen shelf to get one, and break the cookie jar to do it.  I’m going to get punished for that, sure.  But what if I knew that my jumping up on that shelf would ruin Handsome’s life?  Or kill me?  Of course I wouldn’t do it.  Unless I was truly addicted to those cookies!  Then nothing would get in my way, because suddenly getting cookies would become The Most Important Thing in My Life.  And if, instead of cookies, what I wanted so badly was something that changed my style of being (like alcohol or certain drugs), I’d find myself unable to stop taking more and more of that substance, even though it did terrible things to me like making me mean, stupid, unconscious, ugly, or even in danger of dying.  I simply wouldn’t care.

And this is what’s so horrific, Reena.  This is what’s happened to your mother.

I have no doubt that she loves you like crazy, and knows that you’re more important to her than any silly drink.  And she shows this when she’s away from the booze.  But while she knows that, her Addict-Brain tells her the exact opposite.  And it’s incredibly hard to fight that.  Especially because once someone has a true addiction, they can never get rid of it.

Now when I say that, do I mean that anyone who’s addicted to a drug or alcohol has no chance to improve their lives?  No, I’m not saying that at all.  But the only way for them to move forward is to stop taking that substance, and work hard every day to deal with the fact that their brain is that way.  And it never gets easy.

You see, if I go a year without having a cookie, and then have another one, I’m just going to remember how good it tasted, and that’ll be as far as it goes.  But if a true addict works hard to stop taking their drug-of-choice, and then goes a year without it, and then tries it again, they can become crazy all over again, putting that substance ahead of everything and everyone, and ruining their lives.

For centuries, there was no solution to this.  But more recently, people have created really great organizations to help addicts.  The most famous of them is called Alcoholics Anonymous.  AA is a special program where people work through twelve projects to help themselves take control of their lives back from their addictions, while continuing to go to meetings to help keep themselves strong, and avoid falling back into the bad behaviors.

So when I hear of someone battling alcoholism or any other addiction, my best recommendation is to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous (or Marijuana Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, etc.) meeting and start their program.

But there’s one problem here.  The problem you’re living: the program only works if the person wants to become sober badly enough to go through Hell to get there.  And I do mean Hell.  My withdrawal from Handsome is painful; the withdrawal from an addictive drug can be devastating.  There are some great movies about this process; to anyone who’s dealing with these issues, I strongly recommend The Lost Weekend, Days of Wine and Roses, and Transpotting, for starters (note: all of these are strictly for adults or mature teens only).

And Reena, here’s where it breaks my heart to say what I have to.  As you’ve learned… No one can make another person change.  Your mother knows how awful her disease (and yes, alcoholism is a mental disease) is, and she doesn’t have the strength to fight it – at least not yet.  And there’s nothing you can do to make her do so.

This is the supreme evil of addiction.  Not that it does terrible things to the addict’s life, but how much it wrecks the lives of those around them.

Here you are, a woman of gigantic heart.  And you’ve lost tons of property, and you’re denying yourself the relationships you want, the family you want, in order to take care of your mother’s addiction.

And while I love that you love your mother that much, I want you to seriously consider that doing that might be the very worst thing you could do.

You see, people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about how they never would have gotten there if they hadn’t hit their “bottom.”  For some people, they hit bottom when they get arrested for driving intoxicated, or when they’re so drunk they don’t remember what they did the next day.  Others might hit bottom when they drunkenly hit a family member, or crash their car, or get fired from their job.  And those who try to protect these people from hitting their bottoms are called “Enablers.”

The fact is, we want your mother to hit her bottom.  Hopefully in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone else.  And your being so wonderful and helpful to her is preventing her from getting there.  So, crazy as it sounds, the best way to help your mother is often to not help her at all, and let her suffer the effects of her actions.  You can still be there for her in the most important ways, but not the way you’re doing it – not to throw your life away in order to make it easier for her to keep making bad choices.

(I know, it’s crazy for a friendly helpful dog to talk this way – it sounds like I’m criticizing my own way of living.  But I’ve seen some terrible things over the years, and have a great fear of addictions).

So if this is true, what can you do?  There’s all this help for alcoholics and other addicts; what is there for those who love them?

Well, there is something.  It’s an organization closely related to Alcoholics Anonymous, called Al-Anon.  And Al-Anon is for family members (and other loved ones) of alcoholics.  It’s a place to work with others who are dealing with similar issues, to help with the ways your life is being affected, and, most importantly, to help you deal with your mother in the most useful ways possible.

I don’t know where you live, Reena, but I can almost guarantee there will be an Al-Anon group fairly near you.  You can find them by going to this website: http://www.al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

As a dog, I love nearly all people, and I certainly have no reason to dislike your mother.  But I do fear her.  I fear her weakness over her addiction to alcohol.  I fear how this affects her, and how it affects those around her, and especially how it is affecting your life.  It’s not fair, to anyone.

So I bow to you for your honesty and openness, and for your enormous love.  And I sit up and beg you to please check out an Al-Anon meeting near you.  And to find ways to help your mother that don’t stifle your life from becoming all you want and deserve it to be.  (And to let me know how it goes, and reach out for any help I can possibly give)

With all the love and respect I’ve got,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with encopresis/enuresis in an older child

minecraft asks: I am nearly 10 years old. I don’t know who else to tell this, because it’s really embarrassing. I have a lot of accidents; I some times dirty my pants and I still wet the bed at night. I do not know why I keep having accidents in the day. I get really embarrassed and sad, because my brothers and other kids make fun of me for it. I have six brothers and two sisters; I am the fourth oldest. My mum sometimes gets mad at me and she some times says things like she is going to put a nappy on me like my two-year-old brother (She only gets mad when I have accidents in the day, not about me wetting my bed). My mum took me to the doctor about why I have accidents in the day, and the doctor said I’m fine and there is nothing wrong. My mum said if I have one more accident she is going to put me a nappy on me, because she can’t keep buying me underwear and washing my clothes, and she says it will be a lot better for me because I will be more comfortable and I will sleep better. I don’t want to wear nappies because nappies are for babies. How do I get my mum not to put me in nappies?

Hi minecraft –

It’s very humiliating, I know, to have this problem, and I really respect you for having the courage to reach out and ask about it.

I was lucky in this area.  I was able to get paper-trained and house-trained very quickly.  After that, there were a couple of times when Handsome was so stressed out it made me lose control, but otherwise I’ve been fine.  With one exception!

That exception is that dogs, unlike people, get inspired to pee and poop.  The reason we go to trees, fire hydrants, and such the second we get outside is that we want to pee, but sniffing another dog’s pee smell starts our engines turning.  This is great for leaving trails, marking territory, and all.  But it can also cause a big problem.  What if we’re inside a house, and another dog has peed or pooped (or thrown up) there?  What if there’s a bit of a residue of it on the floor, or in the carpet?  We have no choice! We get one whiff of that, and our system gets going, and we don’t even have time to whine or walk away, we just release right there.  And then the people always yell at us, or at our owners, that it’s our fault, that we’re not trained well enough.  When, if anything, it’s the fault of whoever cleaned it up but didn’t do it well enough (there are products made with enzymes that break the residue down organically; those are the best cleaners for indoor marking).

But here I am talking about myself instead of about you (Am I marking my territory, perhaps?!).  And human bowel control is a very different situation.

It might sound obvious, but there are only two reasons for a child of ten to still be wetting his bed and soiling his underwear:  It’s either Continue reading

0 Is it right to date one’s friend’s ex-boyfriend

FORLLAH asks: Is it really right for me to date my friend’s ex-boyfriend?

Hi FORLLAH –

This is always difficult.  It’s difficult when children become friends with kids their friends don’t like anymore, it’s difficult when adults divorce and make their friends (or, worst of all, their children) choose between them, and yes, it’s hard when you’re dating and you’re interested in your friend’s ex!

We dogs simply do not have this problem.  We are so much better than you humans at this!  If I was playing with Bruno the Akita yesterday and got annoyed with his yelping and decided I didn’t want to play with him anymore, and you went in and played with him today… I wouldn’t care at all!

But you guys are different.  Or, and here’s my big point, SOME of you are different.

I hear all the time about couples that break up, but while they were dating one of them met the friend of the other one, and afterward they and the friend get together and date, and marry, and everyone gets along just fine.  Why?  Well, the reason it didn’t work between the first couple doesn’t apply to the friend.  For example, let’s say one boy needs tons of attention from whoever he’s dating.  He checks in on his beloved with a text or a phone call eight times a day.  And this drives her nuts!  She likes him, but she’s more comfortable talking once a day, and having the rest of the time to do other things.  Now he has a best friend who also likes a bit of independence.  The couple breaks up because they fight so much about the amount of contact, the friend asks her out, and they get along just great, reaching out to each other every night and no more.  And the first boy, he’s very happy, because he likes them both and gets to have them both in his life still, and now can find a girlfriend who calls him every half-hour!

The issue here is openness.  There’s nothing wrong with dating your friend’s ex, but their feelings might be hurt if you don’t Continue reading

0 How to meet someone for a blind date

Reena asks: I met a guy around a year back on a dating site. I had just broken up back then and so registered on that site to divert my mind. All this while we used to chat online sometimes, he was like a platonic friend. He asked a few times to meet but I always declined for various reasons. Mostly because we have nothing in common and I felt no connection or chemistry. Also because there was this on again off again thing going on with my ex, so we had not completely separated despite the break up. My question is, Is meeting this new guy worth it ? Because back then when I had broken up, he had asked to meet. I told him I am dating someone. To which he replied, “Don’t tell your boyfriend that you’re coming to meet me.” I told him I’m sorry and I can’t do that. Secondly, instead of asking to hangout and just chill or a lunch or dinner together or a movie, this new guy asks me to come home. Mind you, we’ve never met before. I asked him why he wants me to come home. He said he “wants to cuddle”. I mean, sounds like a guy looking for a Friends with Benefits and not the whole getting to know you and let’s see where it goes thing. I asked advice from a guy friend yesterday about this because I am confused these past days, whether I should give it a chance or no. My friend advised me to test him by asking him to meet outside rather than at home. So I asked this online guy if we could meet out first. I was 110 % sure he’d say no. But he said yes. I don’t want to be mean because I do believe in giving people at least one chance. But he has already shown me who he is. Doesn’t sound like a guy who believes in loyalty or someone looking for something genuine. However I don’t want to be too judgmental about it or assume anything. What should I do ?? Go meet him once or simply delete his number??

Hi Reena –

Okay, so you’re dealing with two issues here.   One is how to treat this guy – does he deserve to be treated one way or another.  And the other is how to treat yourself.  And I care way more about the second than the first, though the first is important too.

One thing I like about this guy is that he seems to be speaking honestly to you (even when he’s asking you to lie!). He didn’t pretend that he didn’t want to get physical on the first date, and I respect that. And since you did ask him if he’d meet outside, it feels a bit unfair for you to now refuse to meet him at all.

BUT…

The truth is, we don’t know anything about him. He might be exactly the way he described himself, and he might be a 45-year-old with an axe. We don’t know. So my advice isn’t just about this guy, but with any blind date you have for the rest of your life, I want you to Continue reading

0 What is the meaning of life?

Wooff Asks: Recently, my life has been going very smooth. My anxiety is pretty much gone but then again, there are days when I feel like I have difficulty communicating with others and I have difficulty breathing. But those days are rare now. My question isn’t really just a question. It’s something maybe you can’t even help me out on. What is the purpose of this life? You can tell me that it’s to be kind, to be granted a space in heaven. But what is it all for? I try not to think of the future much because staying in the present is better. But I wonder, what is the end goal? And why can’t I just have stayed 10? Like, I really miss the times I spent back when I was a kid. When I didn’t have to think if there was any purpose to life or what I’m doing here. To just wake up, watch cartoons and have breakfast. I didn’t have to think that I needed exercise because I loved myself the way I was. When I didn’t have to will myself to take a morning stroll. I understand death, I understand why we have to die but I don’t understand why we live? Why is life ever changing and why are we? In my recent course of life, I’m trying to be more humble. Whenever I have a fight with anyone, I try to apologize. Despite it being my fault or not. And I try not to see any fault anymore and I like it. To be honest, I like my life but I don’t know why I’m living it. Do you understand?

Hi Wooff!

Your question can be answered in two different ways. One of them is in an area where I’m a complete expert, and the other is an area where I can’t even pretend to have any knowledge at all.

I’ll start with the second. Over time, most humans have believed in religions. And one thing religions offer is explanations of what the meaning and purpose of human lives are. Maybe it’s to behave in a way that pleases God. Maybe it’s to do acts that increase the power of God or some gods. Maybe it’s to learn lessons that will set you up to be better in your next life. Maybe it’s to do whatever it takes to get into Heaven.

Well, Wooff, I am a dog. And can’t remotely agree or disagree with any of those. And if you should develop a belief in any of those, I won’t be able to say you’re right or wrong.

But then there’s that other area. And that is the question of how to find meaning in your own life. And that is what I know about more than anything. And my answer is one word: Continue reading

0 How to deal with your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s annoying family members

Snowman asks: So me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. About 1 year in I met one of her family friends and the first thing he does is insult me by saying he wouldn’t talk to anyone less intelligent than him and ignores me from there. He did this directly in front of my girlfriend and she didn’t react at all to it. So I let it slide and after he left I confronted her about it. She apologized and understood that I didn’t like him at all. So several months pass and I’ve pretty much never talked to him. When my birthday comes, due to a serious of unlucky events, my girlfriend has to leave for a bit and I’m forced to wait for this man and guide him to her. It naturally ruined my day. So afterwards I tell my girlfriend that I want to skip dinner and just lay down but we end up going to dinner anyways. We ultimately got into a small argument and she tried to break up with me a few days later. Ps this was at a time where we could barely see each other. It’s been on my conscience for a while now because I felt bad for being in a bad mood that day. Was my reaction unreasonable?

Hi Snowman –

I can’t really answer your question as it is. You see, you’ve told me lots of reasons for you to be annoyed (ANYBODY would be, having to deal with that jerk!), but you didn’t really tell me what your reaction was. Except that you two had “a small argument.”   So I can’t really tell you if you were unreasonable or not.

Now if you mean to ask if it’s unreasonable for you to have been bothered by that guy’s comment and his ignoring you, then no, I think you didn’t do enough! I wish, when he said “I don’t talk with people less intelligent than me,” you’d said, “Well that’s nice, you’ve got about seven billion people you can’t talk with!” Or, more simply, “Wow, have you ever met one?”

Now if you try to stay with this woman, there’s an easier choice, which is to realize that he’s an idiot, and not let his stupidity bother you. For example, when people come to our house, I always want to play with them. But if any dislike dogs and don’t want to do anything with me, I’ve learned not to let their dopiness hurt my feelings. I just ignore them. Then they’re happier, and I am too (because I’m off playing with people who understand how fun life can be!).

So I hope this dingdong didn’t manage to ruin your relationship. Because he’s not worth it. But if he hasn’t, then yes, my advice is to give him less respect than you have. By not letting him bother you at all.

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 What does a couple need to work out before marrying?

Ducky asks– Hello! So I seem to be having trouble in my relationship. We have been together for 13 months and became engaged 6 months in. I told her I wasn’t ready to be engaged, as I have been married before and I’m not ready for it yet. But she got mad at me and I gave in and said she could propose. Then she wanted a baby and I told her I wasn’t ready. I feel like I’m holding her back from her life. We also argue about a lot because she says a lot of things she regrets saying and when alcohol is involved (which isn’t too often) it gets worse. She goes through my phone because she doesn’t trust who I talk to, and I have trouble letting go of the arguments we have. Which has led to resentment, lack of sexual desire, and me being a robot. I’m also having trouble being attracted to her because I’m used to being with men. We called off our engagement privately because she knew I didn’t want it yet. She is very upset about going backwards. We are now on a break because she’s tired of being with a wall, she wants me to let go of my past and be ready for a future with her and figure out my sexual desires so we can either make this work or end it before it gets too far. I’m so lost. I love her so much, I just feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. How do I figure this all out?

Hi Ducky –

There’s so much in this question – way too much for one dog to be able to answer all at once (or probably even a brilliant couples therapist!). I’ll start by saying that I’m glad you two chose to put a break in your engagement, as this stuff is too much to take into a marriage (Marriage is work enough without starting this way!). But I’ll try to comment on at least some of these things.

• If I’m reading your letter correctly, you used to have relationships with men, but then chose to get engaged to a woman. I don’t know whether you’re a man or a woman, but either way, I feel like this is a very big issue that has to be confronted first. Are you sure you want to be with a woman for the rest of your life, and just this one woman? Or are you still more drawn to men?

• Marriage is, other than parenthood or being a pet, the biggest commitment most anyone makes (I point out that being a pet is a far bigger commitment than getting one, because we’re the only ones who plan to stay in those relationships for our whole lives; for humans it’s usually just a sizable portion). There are lots of good reasons to marry, but talking the other person down from being angry isn’t one of them. You both need to want this, more than just about anything, or it simply won’t work. So if you two get things working again, make sure you want to marry her before you offer to again. Making someone feel better is a great reason to buy her flowers, take her to dinner, or (what I do) lay my head in her lap and whine while looking into her eyes. Marriage is a bigger deal. (And I’m very glad you didn’t agree to a baby before you were ready. I love babies and parents, but we want that kid to feel wanted and loved from day one, not to feel like they were the resolution to an argument)

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0 How to keep sane in a long-distance relationship

alizey asks: I am in long distance relationship and I don’t know how to make it work without becoming an emotional fool?

Hi alley –

Okay, I’ll be honest with you – to me a long-distance relationship sounds like pure misery!  When my human friend Handsome leaves town, I’m a wreck.  Even if I’m staying with good friends, or at a place with other dogs, those delights only serve as distractions.  I’m a one-person dog, and being away from that person for a long period is just devastating.

But you’re not a dog; you’re a person.  So, unlike me, you can have really fulfilling communication with another person through telephone or texting or even a picture-phone like FaceTime or Skype.  You don’t depend as much as I do on smell and touch (though people tell me those are sure nice parts of your relationships too!).

It really sounds to me like you’re okay with it, as long as things don’t make you get too emotional.  And my guess is that those come down to two issues: Missing and Continue reading

0 How to get out of having done a secret prank on a friend

azraspahic_ asks – So it’s 2 weeks before April Fools, and I decided to do a harmless prank on my friend of slipping notes in her locker. But she told the principal and then told me. I don’t want to get suspended over a harmless joke! What do I do? I have not told her I was the one who slipped the notes. I printed one out as well and said, “oh see this is the one I got” and she believed it! What should I do?

Hi azraspahic_ –

Ooooh do I relate to this!  My pranks are usually more along the lines of stealing food off a person’s plate, but I know how awful it can feel to get caught, especially when the punishment seems like it’s so much bigger than the little joke you pulled!  (I mean, come on, did that guest really want that steak that badly?!!)

The nice part is that you do have a way out of this, if you want – which is to simply say nothing, and let the issue go away.  If you can feel okay about doing that, it really won’t cause any harm.  It’s true that you lied about getting the note yourself, but it’s a harmless lie, and your friend won’t be any worse off for it.

But, like me, you do have a conscience, so I can understand if you find it hard to just do that.  So there are a few other thoughts that hit me:

One is to Continue reading