Reena asks: I met a guy around a year back on a dating site. I had just broken up back then and so registered on that site to divert my mind. All this while we used to chat online sometimes, he was like a platonic friend. He asked a few times to meet but I always declined for various reasons. Mostly because we have nothing in common and I felt no connection or chemistry. Also because there was this on again off again thing going on with my ex, so we had not completely separated despite the break up. My question is, Is meeting this new guy worth it ? Because back then when I had broken up, he had asked to meet. I told him I am dating someone. To which he replied, “Don’t tell your boyfriend that you’re coming to meet me.” I told him I’m sorry and I can’t do that. Secondly, instead of asking to hangout and just chill or a lunch or dinner together or a movie, this new guy asks me to come home. Mind you, we’ve never met before. I asked him why he wants me to come home. He said he “wants to cuddle”. I mean, sounds like a guy looking for a Friends with Benefits and not the whole getting to know you and let’s see where it goes thing. I asked advice from a guy friend yesterday about this because I am confused these past days, whether I should give it a chance or no. My friend advised me to test him by asking him to meet outside rather than at home. So I asked this online guy if we could meet out first. I was 110 % sure he’d say no. But he said yes. I don’t want to be mean because I do believe in giving people at least one chance. But he has already shown me who he is. Doesn’t sound like a guy who believes in loyalty or someone looking for something genuine. However I don’t want to be too judgmental about it or assume anything. What should I do ?? Go meet him once or simply delete his number??
Hi Reena –
Okay, so you’re dealing with two issues here. One is how to treat this guy – does he deserve to be treated one way or another. And the other is how to treat yourself. And I care way more about the second than the first, though the first is important too.
One thing I like about this guy is that he seems to be speaking honestly to you (even when he’s asking you to lie!). He didn’t pretend that he didn’t want to get physical on the first date, and I respect that. And since you did ask him if he’d meet outside, it feels a bit unfair for you to now refuse to meet him at all.
The truth is, we don’t know anything about him. He might be exactly the way he described himself, and he might be a 45-year-old with an axe. We don’t know. So my advice isn’t just about this guy, but with any blind date you have for the rest of your life, I want you to meet them in a VERY public place! Don’t go to their home yet, don’t let them know where you live, and if you have any concerns at all, don’t show up alone!
Think of it this way, if you and I got the chance to meet (and I hate to say it, but we can’t. But if we could…), I’d have to bring Handsome along, just to drive me and hold my leash. So I’d have no problem at all with you bringing someone along too. After all, we’re just meeting, right?! Then if we really trusted each other, and Handsome and your friend trusted us, then maybe Handsome would let you come over to our house and take me out for a walk… or not!
What I’m getting to is that, more than anything else, I WANT YOU SAFE!!! We dogs are very protective of our humans and our packs, so I consider you My Reena, and I don’t want anything to happen to My Reena!
So I’d say to keep talking with him, and if you feel right, to go ahead and meet him somewhere convenient to you both, but very public, like a coffee shop or restaurant, at a time when you know there’ll be lots of people there. And if there’s a way you could have a friend or even a family member be there too, all the better.
Then, after that, once you know a bit more about him (like even if he looks the way you think he looks!), you have the more difficult, subtle job of figuring out if you trust him enough to meet him one-on-one. Maybe go to a movie or a concert.
You see, I love cuddling. I adore it. I cuddle up with Handsome a few times a day, and love doing it with other people too. But I trust those people, and I have a very large mouth with strong jaws and lots of sharp teeth if anyone was to try to do anything I didn’t want! I wish you had that too, but since you don’t, I want you to hold off on that cuddling till you know this guy LOTS better. And especially to hold off on cuddling in his house, when there’s no one else around.
If this works out, and he’s as wonderful as we hope, there’ll be lots of time for cuddling later on. And you’ll enjoy it more, too, if you trust him.
But now, keep your ears perked up and your nose twitching! Or, in human terms, keep your eyes peeled! Look for anything that doesn’t feel right, or that makes you think he’s not trustworthy. Let him earn your trust.
And if he’s worthy, and earns that trust, then absolutely, get to cuddling like crazy! I sure would!
Loads of Love,