Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to handle a boyfriend or girlfriend who won’t stop talking about how great their ex was

Lawrence asks: Why do men talk about their ex to their current girlfriend? My boyfriend had numerous lovers in the past. Among those, there is one whom he spoke about in great details. How beautiful she was, how he sees her face, when he followed her to another city, how she was a look alike of another young actress, how he sneaked in order to be with her. It is intimidating and I am deeply hurt. When I spoke to him and asked him if she still loves her, he said no with conviction. He said I am giving such a big fuss over nothing because she is past. I gave him the chance to break up with me and search for his ex if his heart still belongs to her, but he said he will not search for her because he already found his love, which according to him, is me. My question is why would a man talk about his ex to his current girlfriend? And not just a passing conversation, he gave such vivid details.

Hi Lawrence –

My human Handsome loves to talk about the dogs he loved before he met me, and it’s never bothered me.  But I’ll be honest with you – I wonder if it’s because he always tells me that I’m his all-time favorite, and always will be.  Maybe if I wasn’t so sure, I’d be bothered when I heard about how smart Wolfgang was, or how sweet and lovable that dumb little Ygor was.

Of course, I really can’t answer your actual question.  I’d have to be able to read your boyfriend’s mind.  Perhaps he’s been trying to be honest with you, and not keep secrets?  Perhaps he’s afraid you’ll meet her someday and he wants you to be prepared.  Or is he actually playing games with you, trying to make you jealous?  I don’t know.

But I want you to try an experiment for me.  There’s a great Continue reading

0 How to deal with a date who treats you badly

Reena asks: I went on a first date with a guy I met online. I found he’d lied to me about his age. On Tinder it was mentioned 31, in his car he tells me he’s 34. He asked me where we should go next – a coffee shop or a hotel !? Ouch. Wow ! He tried to get physical, I didn’t let him cross a certain line. After that, when I reached home, he didn’t message me; I had to. Then he tell me in the evening that he isn’t looking to date anyone right now or get into a relationship, he’s not in that mind frame !! Wow ! Honestly Shirelle, I won’t bore you with details of how I feel at the moment. Chemistry is something that is very Black and White. You either have it with someone or you don’t. You can’t fake that. I took my time before meeting this guy in person. Though like most guys on Tinder he was pressurizing me to meet up. I took my time, till that trust was developed. He is a master manipulator! Or he simply doesn’t know what he wants. Then three days ago, he started an argument with me because I was at a guy friend’s house. This friend of mine had invited me to his place because he’d bought a new flat with an amazing view and he was very excited to show me his new place, that’s why I went. This Tinder guy started asking me questions like 1) Are you alone with him 2) Are you having fun 3) Did he flirt with you or try to kiss you 4) Why are you so eager to make out with him This actually irritated me to no end but I didn’t say anything. Deep down inside I really wanted to give it back to him. Shirelle, this guy tells me he can’t date me or give me a relationship. He has no right to ask me such questions. He is not my boyfriend! The moment a guy says he wants to keep things casual, he loses his right to ask your whereabouts and who you’re with. He loses his right to jealousy and possessiveness. And this is the same guy who told me when we met, that he doesn’t like possessive behavior!?? Wow ! Either double standards or he simply doesn’t know what he wants. What do you think??

Hi Reena –

Hmmm… let me see…  how can I put this…

0 How to deal with your fiancé having an ex

HELP asks: My fiance is divorced with two kids, and we are so much in love with each other. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But how can I be sure his ex-wife is going to be completely out of the picture? He is 32 years and I am 22 years. Though he has proven to me beyond doubt the love he has for me, I am a bit scared his ex-wife might still be in the picture. He is ready to see my family and marry me. Is this going to work out?

Hi HELP –

You really ask two questions.  And the second one I can’t possibly answer – I’m only a friendly dog, not a psychic or fortune teller, so I can’t tell you whether this will work out in the long run (any more than I can to anyone else).  Though it sounds pretty good!

But I can answer your concerns about his ex-wife.  Here goes:

Yes.

Unless this man is a lousy father who’s planning on ignoring his children for the rest of their lives, you are not just looking at marrying one person.  You would marry him, his kids, and her.  As she’s their mother, she’ll be involved in every part of their lives, and because of that, she’ll be involved in his life at least until the kids become adults.  He will have to co-parent with her, work out logistics with her, and very possibly pay money to her, for that whole time.

And you would almost certainly have your own relationship to her as well.  On one hand, there’ll just be the simple stuff where, say, you were supposed to pick the kids up from school and you get a flat tire, so you phone her and ask if she can get them.  On the other, maybe you two could become friendly enough that you can someday ask her advice on how to deal with him when he’s being difficult!

(Or, maybe she’ll always see you as a threat, and say nasty things about you, and try to turn the kids against you, and even try to win her ex-husband back from you!)

Now someone with a sense of humor might want to write in here that Continue reading

0 How to set your diet while recovering from anorexia

Tv_Book_junkie asks: I am “recovering” from my anorexia. But is it okay to not eat for two days and eat all those calories on the third day? Like saving them up so I won’t feel guilty?

Hi Tv_Book_junkie –

I have a very simple answer for you – though it’s going to look like no answer at all.

My answer is that Anorexia is a huge and dangerous illness, and you should be talking to a doctor about how you recover from it, and not taking advice on it from anyone else – not friends, not websites, and not friendly dogs.  Even a super-smart one like me!

But I’m going to guess that the doctor will say no.  In fact, a doctor is likely to say that going two days without eating isn’t recovery from Anorexia – it’s completely living in it!

But again, I am here for you in any way I can be, and will be glad to help you with any issues you have, especially while you recover.  But just as you wouldn’t have me try to make my own rabies vaccine, or fix my own broken toe, I don’t want you trying to ‘doctor’ yourself at this very fragile time.  Talk to an expert and use their help to get through this, so that you can live – and eat – happily and free of ANY guilt!

Best of Luck my friend!

Shirelle

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend friend through depression.

Ashmita asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. It all started smoothly. But two months before, my boyfriend started having some problem. He used to get angry, even for some petty matter, and he suffered from sadness. At that time he told me that he was losing all his feelings for me, which I partly believed because he was going through a problem. I held on to him and firmly believed that everything will be okay. He soon visited the doctor and took medicines and reassured me that he stills loves me. Two days ago he again told me that thoughts like that still come to his head, but he keeps patient and waits for everything to become okay. His words show that he still loves and cares for me, which he tells me and I really don’t want to lose him. I suggested him to wait till he becomes okay and not make any decision in haste. Please can you suggest what else can I do? It keeps me worried.

Hi Ashmita –

It sounds like your guy suffers from Clinical Depression.  This fits with his ongoing sadness, his losing his feelings for you, the doctor’s medications for him… and with his belief that he’ll be able to love you as he did once he feels better.

True Depression is a really difficult problem for a lot of people.  It looks a lot like grief or sadness, the sort one feels after an awful loss.  But unlike those feelings, Depression isn’t necessarily about anything, so it can linger for a long time, even a lifetime.

Scientists have found lots of amazing facts about it in recent years, and have developed many medical treatments for it.  But – and here’s the tough part, for him and for you – no one medication works for everyone.  Because different brains are different, a prescription that works perfectly for one person will do nothing for another, and cause only nasty side effects in yet another.  The only way for doctors to find the right medicine for your boyfriend is what they call ‘trial and error’ – to try one out, see if it works, and if not, try another.  In the end, it might be a mixture of a few, at very particular proportions, that gets him where he needs to be, in order to fully be his happy, loving self.

So what can you do, during this?  Well, first of all, you can Continue reading

0 Going to the Well … finding your biggest energy …

Going to the Well … finding your biggest energy …

Maybe you’re still a kid.  But even if not, I’ll bet you can remember when you were, and how much you wanted to get to do the most amazing thing in the world…  DRIVE!

I can sure tell you, as a dog, that I envy you guys like CRAZY – that you’ve invented, and are able to work, a machine that comfortably carries people, dogs, and other cargo at incredible speeds, far faster than even I can run.

And I know that, reading this, you either share my envy or had it once before.

Maybe you were three years old and wished you could drive to the ice cream store.  Or maybe you were twelve and just wanted to speed like crazy, with the windows down and your favorite song blasting all your neighbors awake.  Or maybe you were fifteen and just wanted to be able to escape your family and get to your friends who understood you better (or maybe, just who you understood better!).  And maybe you’re older than that, and for whatever reason, you still haven’t had the ability to learn to drive, or don’t have access to a car.  And so you’re still jealous of every driver out there.

Well join the club.

Now the one thing I do get to do is to ride in the back seat and look out the window (Handsome won’t let me stick my head all the way out, which I so want to do, as he says it’s too dangerous – something could strike my eye, or a bad driver could even drive too close to us and… YIKES, OKAY, I’M GOOD STAYING INSIDE!).

And do you know what I see as I watch the other drivers?  I’ll bet you do – almost everyone is MISERABLE!  They’re frustrated at not being able to drive faster, or angry that they’re running late, or hating all the other drivers for just being there, or mad at something they’re hearing on the radio, or jealous that someone else has a better car in some way.

Now, yes, some drivers are happier than those.  They’re singing along with something fun, or having a funny chat, or… well there’s at least one guy who likes nothing more than to reach into the back seat and scratch my ears and get a lick on his hand and tell me how much he loves his knucklehead…

But do you see where I’m going with this?  No one is actually happy about the fact that they’re DRIVING!  They’ve waited years, maybe decades, to be able to do this, and once they can, all the fun of it is GONE!

How ridiculous is that!

And I see this same quality in you amazing humans all the time!  You try so hard to get a job, and then complain about having to go to work.  You dream of finding a mate, and then get bored and bothered by that person you’re “stuck” with.  You achieve the greatest circle-of-life goal by creating a baby, and then spend eighteen years griping about how all the good days of your life ended when you got saddled with those stinking kids!

Now I know, my brain’s a lot smaller than yours.  So my ability to be overjoyed about something happening that has happened every day for years (like getting food, or my human coming home) might seem silly to you.

But if we’re both living our lives pursuing happiness, and I’m happier than you… who’s the silly one?

And now that I’ve got you there, here’s my real question – wouldn’t you like a way to be able to tap into that same energy I have all the time?

There’s a way.

Each of Continue reading

2 How to help an online friend in difficulty.

wxyz asks: I have a ‘virtual relationship’ with a classmate; her boyfriend is also my classmate too. It’s been so hard to see her with another man, but it’s a great pleasure to talk with her in chat. She is taking care of me to recover from my dark addiction. In reality, she can’t talk to me – that’s a painful truth, I accept happily. I am fighting with myself to stand by her and to be worthy of that. I am really grateful to her. Her relationship with her boyfriend is not good. She used to tell me about her difficulties, but recently, she is not interested to share those. I wanna support her back. I do feel good to know her pain, to support her. But, she is keeping her mouth shut and like acting in chat by smiling as if nothing happened. I even feel that she is having under a lot of pressure by maintaining me and her relationship. But, luckily she can’t bid good bye! I wanna erase her pains. Wanna support her. I’d love your thoughts.

Hi wxyz –

You’re right – it does make it difficult for you to keep this ‘virtual’ relationship going when you hear that her relationship isn’t good. But I think there are other things you can do besides dealing with her face-to-face.

Think about my relationship to you. I’m trying to help you, right? Even though we’ve never met, and might well live in different continents.   So why can’t you do the same for her. Even if she doesn’t want to give you details, can’t you tell her “You deserve the best,” and “You should be very happy, and if someone’s making you feel unhappy, they’re not good enough for you.” Even if she doesn’t respond, you know she’ll hear it.

Think of how helpful you two could be for each other! Her helping you on your road to recovery from the addiction, and you helping her feel good enough about herself not to stay in a bad relationship.

In fact, you probably can do this better through media than you ever could in person, just because everything’s so much scarier with the person right there. (Again, isn’t it easier to write me your private concerns, rather than talk to someone about them out loud? That’s the way you can be for her!).

So I’m very happy, and excited that you’re continuing to move forward. And, more important, eager to see you continue!

You’re doing great. Keep it up!

Shirelle

0 What to do if your crush insists on you telling them

Sphumelele asks: I have a really huge crush on this guy, I befriended him and we’ve been hanging out a few times and he’s great company. I told him one day while we were texting that I’m crushing on him and his reply was, “we’ll talk when we get together again,” and that I shouldn’t be a coward by telling him this over the phone. Now my worst fear is that he might tell me he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s something I don’t want to hear looking at him rather a text or a phone call. How do I know he feels the same?

Hi Sphumelele –

Ooooh, do I love crushes!  They’re so much more fun than just friendships or even romances – they’re nothing but magic!  Well, at least until the people actually start to speak.  Then they become more… relationships.  And that’s where you are.

So Sphumelele, I can’t read minds, and I can’t promise what’s going on in this guy’s head.  But I do have a thought:  when someone doesn’t share the same interest someone else has in them, and gets uncomfortable about it, that usually makes them avoid that person.  And certainly avoid the topic.  So when this guy said to you that he wants you to be more brave and tell him face-to-face, that sounds to me like he’s ABSOLUTELY interested!

In fact, the only concern I have is about what he might be interested in!

On one hand, he might feel towards you exactly the way you feel towards him, and so he might want to admit that when you two can… well… do something about it!

And on the other, he might not feel as strongly as you, but he might think it could be a lot of fun to enjoy the effects of your feelings for him.  In other words (to some degree or another) to take advantage of you.

Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  If you really want to kiss him, and he would enjoy kissing with you, there’s no real damage done.  But if you’re hoping for a beautiful romance, and he’s thinking of taking things further than you are, and you suddenly find yourself in a difficult situation where you’re saying ‘no’ and he’s saying ‘don’t be such a coward”…  Do you see where I’m going?

So I’m going to recommend two things to you.  First, SURE!  Meet up with him and tell him face-to-face about your crushing!  You know he’ll be happy to hear it, and won’t reject you.

But second, I want you to go to the following page on my website, https://askshirelle.com/2010/06/02/how-should-i-deal-with-it-if-my-date-wants-to-do-more-than-i-do/ , and read that question and my answer.  Because I want you to be happy and strong and the great romantic you are – and not have anything go wrong with it.

Sound good?

Great.  Then GOOD LUCK, and HAPPY CRUSHING!!!

Shirelle

0 How to handle it when your boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends.

SelenaStupid asks: I feel left out and sad when my boyfriend hangs out with his friends. He doesn’t have many friends, plus there is this female friend that he hangs around. He gives me his attention so much. And he loves me. But it bothers me when he hangs around with her. Also I cannot ask him to lose his friends because he has so few. It bothers me. I need help

Hi SelenaStupid –

I don’t know, SelenaStupid, you don’t sound all that stupid to me!  Sounds to me like you’re very aware of the situation, and understanding of all sides!  Maybe I’ll just think of you as SelenaSmartButFrustrated!  How’s that!

I actually think you and he are in a pretty good place.  You know he loves you, and he shows you lots of attention when you’re together.  That’s great!  But you feel left out when he’s with his friends.

Boy do I relate to that!  My human Handsome loves me more than anything on this earth, but he goes out with his human friends all the time – often to places I can’t go, like movies and restaurants – but then sometimes he comes home and I can smell that he’s been playing with his friends’ dogs!  I’m not exactly jealous about that – I don’t get upset about him being with other dogs – but I do feel like I missed out.  After all, I love being with him, I love being with his friends, and I’d especially love playing with those other dogs, but I got left at home the whole time!

But you’re in a better position than I am.  I won’t be able to change his mind about seeing friends or going to places I can’t go.  At times he’ll choose to spend more time with me and not with them, but that’s another story.

But is that what you are saying you want?

I’m not sure if you’d like to be included more, when he’s with his friends, or if you just want him more to yourself.  It sounds like you accept the fact he needs those friends, so I’m wondering if you could maybe join in with them a bit more.  Not every time, but just some of the times that he spends with them.  I’m thinking that might take away some of the “left out” feelings.

But also, maybe you need to Continue reading

0 How to break up with someone kindly.

Mercy asks: I really need some relationship advice here. My boyfriend, a very sensitive, childish person who couldn’t use his brains once to think maturely, is getting on the very last of my nerves. You see, he is two years younger than I am. And we’ve been together for a year now. I just feel that I am not being heard at all. And I’m always wrong in an argument. I shouldn’t hang out with my best friends. God! So many restrictions. And he doesn’t trust me! It’s so frustrating! So I don’t wanna be in a relationship with him anymore. But the thing is, I am very emotional and I get sad just by the thought of what doom it might bring to him. So I’m just being miserable with no idea what to do. I desperately wanna get outta this relationship w/o much damage done. Really need some advice on how to do that.

Hi Mercy –

This is an ageless dilemma.  Most humans hope to commit to just one person in their lifetime, which means they have to either get rejected by, or break up with, every other person they ever get involved with.  Which is so tough, for both people, each time.  In fact, you’re in a better-than-average position, as you’re really fed up with this guy, not just feeling “he’s not the one” or “the spark is gone.”  But still, you’re asking how to break up with him in as kind and harmless a way as possible.  Which stinks EVERY time.

I go through this every morning.  You see, we dogs don’t have nearly the awareness of time that you people do, so when Handsome heads off to work, or to the gym, or to visit someone, and leaves me at home alone, I feel completely rejected.  He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want me anymore, and he’ll never come home again so I’m trapped in here to starve: these are just what goes through my head every time.  Now as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more used to it, so I don’t believe it as much as I did when I was younger, but yeah, the thoughts are still there.

And this is why you’re feeling so sad: you relate!  You can be pretty sure that your boyfriend will have awful thoughts like that you don’t love him, you never loved him, you hate him, and that he’ll never find another romance as long as he lives.

But just like me, he doesn’t have to hang onto those beliefs too long.

The first question I need to ask you is what relationship you’d like to have with him.  So many humans say “Let’s be just friends,” but they don’t actually have any intent of speaking to that person ever again.  I prefer honesty, and he’ll want to know, so it’s important for you to choose, before you bring this up to him, just what you’d like.  (Of course, he may not accept what you request – you might hope to stay friends and he might say “Nope, you’ve hurt me and I have to avoid you for a while.”  And that’s perfectly okay, and you should respect that wish from him).

But once you make that choice, my belief is that you should be as clear and straightforward as possible.  The worst breakup Handsome ever did was with a woman who he wanted to understand that he really cared about – he just wanted out of the romance.  So he took her out for dinner, to a concert, had a wonderful night, and then told her he wanted to break up. She was horrified – she’d thought all his actions meant he was more committed than he’d been before! – and then spent years (yes, years!) telling people how he’d cruelly set her up in order to hurt her as much as possible.  This was all before he met me, but as far as I know, she’s still talking about it!

Instead, I suggest you do one of two things.  First you could Continue reading