Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to deal with creepy strangers

Melissa asks: Today after school me and my friends were sitting in the train station talking, when suddenly a bunch of men appeared and gave us problems, assaulting us. Both my friends were angry but I was calm when the man told me he so-called “loved” me. I said, “I love you too.” I even talked to the man who was bothering me to find out why he was doing this. Most people say you need to avoid such. Was I right to talk to them? Did I act in a right way?

Hi Melissa –

There are decisions in life where the answer is based on morality.  Is it right to insult a helpless person?  Is it right to hit a baby?  Is it right to kick a puppy?  (I’ll give you a hint about me – I’m going to say “No” in each of these cases!)

But other times, the answer of what is “right” is based on the result of the action.  The easiest example is something we’ve seen in tons of stories, where a ticking time bomb is reduced to two wires , one blue and one red.  If you leave them as they are, it will go off in thirty seconds and kill you and everyone around you.  If you cut one wire, it will blow up right away.  If you cut the other, you’ll defuse the bomb and save everyone.  But there’s no way of knowing which is which.  What’s the right thing to do?

Well, the only way to know is to choose a wire and cut it.  And you’ll find out very quickly whether you chose the right one or not!

As I see it, Melissa, you were in a “time bomb” situation.  You didn’t know these men, and neither did your friends.  You wanted to be safe, to not be hurt by them.  Maybe ignoring them would have made them leave you alone, and maybe it would have angered them and they would have harassed you in a worse way.  Maybe yelling at them to go away would have gone well, or very not.  And maybe being friendly and curious would work, or not.

Well you chose the latter, and it worked.  So, as with cutting the red or blue wire, you made the right  decision.  Now does that mean you should always do what you Continue reading

0 What to do when you find out something awful about your boyfriend or girlfriend, while they’re going through a bad time.

Snowball18 asks: My long distance boyfriend’s sister just died, and at the same time I came to know that he had lied to me about not having any girlfriends before me, and about being a virgin too. I am a virgin and this is my first relationship. I don’t know how to react to this – how and when should I tell him I know this?

Hi Snowball18 –

Oh what a horrible story!  I’m so sorry, about his loss and about this awful discovery.

I think the answer to your question, though, is that you need to divide these two issues up clearly.  And ask yourself what you’d do with each.

Now with his sister dying, I imagine you’d be enormously supportive and loving.  You might even try to travel to see him and his family.  You’d listen to his pain, you’d try to comfort him, you’d do everything you could to help him through this so-unfair experience.

But if she hadn’t died, if she was doing just great, or if he’d never had a sister at all… how would you react to this news about his past, and his lie?  Would you just call him a liar?  Would you break up with him?  Would you smash up his home?  Would you growl and bark and bite him so hard you ripped the seat out of his pants (that’s what I’d do, but I’m not saying that’d be necessarily best)?

The issue here is Continue reading

0 What to do when missing someone keeps you from being able to work.

Smile asks: You may remember my question about my guy best friend. We became closer than ever after your amazing advice, but he has to leave for higher studies now, and I have one more year to complete in my current school (he was my senior). We will not be able to contact with each other for a long time because he is going to hostel (where phones are not allowed). We both completely understand that leaving for studies is important for his future, but both of us felt frustrated and sad after we said our final farewell. I hate goodbyes, and I feel like I will hate school more than ever now because he was my only true friend. It has now reached a point where I can’t concentrate on anything else except my sadness and the thought of him going. I also know that he feels the same, but there seems nothing we could do about it . I miss him so much. Please help me deal with it.

Hi Smile –

What a sad story!  I wish I knew more – like how long he’ll be there, and if he can use a phone sometimes (maybe on weekends?).  I can’t imagine he’s being cut off from all contact, unless he’s joining a monastery or on some other spiritual path where he needs to do that.

But in the meantime, you’re stuck with this problem on a daily basis.

Now sadly, there’s nothing I can recommend to make you stop missing him.  And I imagine you wouldn’t want  to stop missing him.  You love him and everything’s good between you; why would you want him not to matter?

What we need is for you to find something else to focus on in the meantime.  Yes, you have schoolwork, but of course your brain is going to get distracted with that (there’s a reason they call it work; if it was always exciting it wouldn’t require such effort!).  So imagine he was still there, and you could talk to him every day – but you also had a few hours to spend on something besides him and your schoolwork.  What would you most like it to be?  Would you like to learn a new skill?  Play an instrument?  Get involved in a sport?  Maybe do a volunteer activity?  (Like work at an animal shelter taking care of scrumptious pups like me who need love and attention and extra treats?!!!)

But I want you to do something else too, right away.  I want you to Continue reading

0 What to do when a lie you’ve told makes you look bad

Suzen asks: I have a boyfriend. I lied him that I am addicted to drugs. Then he told this to his sister. Now I’ve fallen in love with him, but his sister doesn’t want me in his life. He’s upset. How do I get out of this situation?

Hi Suzen –

Your question reminds me of an old trick that lawyers like to play in courtrooms.  They’ll get a person onto the stand, where they’ve sworn to tell the truth, and ask them a question like “Have you stopped beating your wife?”  The person starts to argue against the question, and they’ll demand, “Yes or No!  Have you stopped beating your wife?!”  Of course, if the person says “No,” then it sounds like they beat their wife.  If they say “Yes,” then it sounds like they used to beat their wife.  The question doesn’t allow for the fact that they never touched her!

But Suzen you don’t need a lawyer to do this to you; you did it to yourself!  Your boyfriend’s sister (and maybe your boyfriend as well) will want to know if you’re still addicted to drugs.  If you say yes, obviously that means you’re an addict and she has reasons to worry about her brother being involved with you.  If you say no, then they have to wonder if you’re really over the drugs, if you might go back onto them, and all that.

The only solution to this is based in something I don’t know:  WHY did you say this to him?

Whatever the reason was, whether it was to push him away, to make yourself sound more interesting, to sound like an expert… I don’t know.  But if you want to keep him as a boyfriend, you’re going to need to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re attracted to someone like your abusive parent

HoneyBunny asks: I want to have a stable relationship. I will tell you something about my family background first, as many people keep on saying that my mind is unstable because of my family issues. So my mum and dad got separated 7 years ago, and my dad got into a relationship with some other lady, and my mum got married and has started staying with her husband in another city. She does provide me everything, but her presence is what I crave. I have no contact with my real father or his family. And I was in a relationship with a guy and we ended up because he was apparently cheating on me. And I like someone now but that guy is just like my real father. I don’t want myself to fall for him, because he isn’t doing any job – he drinks a lot, and even abuses a lot, but still I am very much attracted to him. Please suggest something.

Hi HoneyBunny –

This is really unfair!  This is too many awful things happening to you all at once!  I can’t even tell if you’re living with an adult now, or if you’re too young to be living that way, and … ARRGH it’s just not right!

So I have to say, it makes TOTAL sense that you would be drawn to a man who reminds you of your father.  You have a deep need for this man who has disappeared from your life, and are trying to replace him with someone similar.

What’s GREAT is that you’re aware of the guy’s problems, and especially that they are the same as your dad’s.

I just sent out a newsletter with a piece on this exact issue – what to ask yourself before dating someone.  If you didn’t get it, you might want to look at it: https://askshirelle.com/2019/02/15/twenty-questions-avoid-dating-problems/

But in the meantime, you have a bigger job, which is to find out how to get what you need from a guy who doesn’t have these flaws.

What I want you to do is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you need more attention than your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to give

Free asks: I’m 21-year-old girl with a boyfriend who always wants space in his life. He considers his friends more important than me, but he also doesn’t want to breakup with me and gives me the hope of coming back to his life. And I just can’t stay apart from him for an hour also! I love him more than my soul; he is my world. I’m a highly sensitive empath who feels a lot, so I don’t know how to deal with this.

Hi Free –

I’m going to say something to you that’s not as judgmental as it may sound.  But it seems to me you’re addicted to your boyfriend.

You know addictions, the way people are addicted to cigarettes or coffee or whatever?  See, that doesn’t mean they just like them, it’s that they can’t stand not having them, their bodies react badly to being deprived of them, even when they aren’t enjoying them at all.

See, you say you’re an empath, and I have every reason to believe you are.  But empaths feel what other people are feeling.  And yet, when your boyfriend feels a need for space, your instant reaction is to need more of him, right?

So it’s great that you’re an empath, but what’s pushing you in this relationship is your addiction to him.  And it might push him away so hard he breaks things off!

So I want you to do two things, at the same time.  First, I want you to work on Continue reading

0 What to do when someone disappears after fun dating

Gigi67 asks: There’s this guy…we used to be best friends. One day he suddenly asked me out and it went quite well for 3 days and we got intimate and everything, but after that he suddenly stopped talking to me. He told he’s busy but I’m not sure if that’s the truth. What do I do? How do I make him talk to me again?

Hi Gigi67 –

Well, as often happens here, I have to say that I’m a very smart dog, but I’m not psychic.  I have no idea what’s going on in his head, or why he’s acted the way he has.  But there are a few most likely possibilities.

First, that he likes you a lot, and doesn’t quite know what to do with the feelings.  Nothing’s wrong, he just needs to pull away and figure himself out.  Imagine if you were suddenly given a billion dollars (or the equivalent in your country’s money).  Sure you’d be thrilled at first, and take all your friends out and splurge on things… but then, after a few days, you’d start to realize that everything in your life has changed.  People will treat you differently.  Should you still keep pursuing the career you have been, now that you won’t need the money?  Should you start a charity?  If so, who do you want to support?  It’s still incredibly fantastic and amazing that you got all that money, but you need to figure out who you are again.  That might be him today (meaning you’re like a billion dollars!).

Second, that something feels wrong.  He had a nice time with you, but realizes that you’re not exactly his type, or he’s not ready for a relationship, or that he doesn’t know how to manage his life and include you in it.

And third, that something changed.  This is the least likely, but of course it’s possible – he met someone else he wants to pursue, or someone close to him has a bad illness that he’s not allowed to talk about, or… anything is possible.

So in each of these cases, what should you do? Continue reading

0 What to do when someone you’ve rejected won’t take no for an answer

Jerry asks: A boy proposed to me one year ago and I said no to him. But he continuously sent me messages, so I replied to some of them to make him understand that we can’t be in a relationship, as my family is so conservative and I’m not interested in all these things; I have to focus on my study. But he doesn’t understand this and he emotionally tortures me by saying that I am so arrogant, I have so much attitude. How do I make him understand that he should stop sending me messages because it disturbs me? We have talked so many times on this topic, and at the end he agreed that he would not send me messages again, but he didn’t stop messaging me. I’m tired of him and I have a fear that if someone in my family reads his message then I’ll have to face a big problem. My family is so strict I can’t talk to them on this matter. I have blocked him, but still his message shows on my phone’s notification. I’m 17 years old and he is also 17. We studied together, but now we are in different cities due to studies. We never talked in childhood, but just studied together. He stole my number from my friends mobile. Please suggest what should I do.

Hi Jerry –

Well I have an easy answer for you, but you’ve already done it.

I get a lot of letters from people with strict families, trying to figure out how to handle the fact that they love someone their family doesn’t accept.  But that’s not you.

I get a lot of letters from people who have someone pursuing them who just doesn’t understand their need to study or work, but they’d love to be with them otherwise.  But that’s not you either.

This boy has been hostile, insulting, and completely disregarding of your requests to stop messaging you.  The one great thing about your letter is that I’m SO happy you said no when he proposed!  Can you imagine what he’d be like to live with?!  I just want to bite him more with each sentence I read here!

So I would have told you to block him.  But you have.  And that’s the part I don’t understand.

We dogs don’t understand technology at all – only a few of us have figured out how open a doorknob (my human is very  happy I have not mastered that ability!).  But doesn’t blocking a person mean their communications don’t come through at all?  I would suggest you contact your phone company to find out how to block his messages completely – so nothing  comes through.  Not his words, not a notification that he wrote, nothing!

On the other hand, I would also think that your strict family might come into use here.  Parents aren’t usually strict because they don’t care about their kids; it’s because they care so much and want to protect them from everything (sometimes to a point that isn’t good for the kid).  So I would think that if, say, your father, or a brother, saw one of these nasty texts, and especially saw that you had been trying to put this boy off for a while, they might get extremely angry – at him, not you – and go do something about it!

Now I’m not in favor of violence, but someone telling this guy to stop what he’s been doing, and maybe scaring him a bit… I kind of like that!

So you might want to save the messages you’ve gotten, just in case you’ll need them later.  But for now, again, I’d just say to contact your phone company and find out how to shut this nonsense DOWN!

And later, when you’re ready to get involved with someone, and you find someone just great, who treasures you and treats you right… OH are you going to be glad this jerk is out of your life!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do if a more attractive guy is after your girlfriend

AayuTheLegend asks: I have a boy in school who is trying to win my girl over. And I think he is good at it. He can attract her pretty easily, and I want you to help me. I am not the kind of guy who would go up and fight someone; I am the kind of guy who is sweet and caring. I have told him to back off many times, but he just doesn’t listen.

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Well this is an awfully interesting development!  You just won this girl over, and now suddenly this other guy is trying to muscle in?

I’ll confess, I am the sort who’d react with violence.  But just a little.

See, when my human friend Handsome pets another dog, especially if he really gives it a good cuddle, I go nuts.  I’ll run up to that pooch and completely dominate it, growling and jumping on it, just to let it know, “Hey, that man is MINE!”  It’s not really fair, I know; it wasn’t the dog’s fault Handsome thought it was so cute.  But still I make my point clear!

But I think you’re smarter to not go that direction.  For two reasons.

First, you can get in trouble, with a school or even the law, for beating up on this guy.

But second, it makes you look insecure.  And specifically, insecure about your girlfriend’s feelings.

YOU WON HER, my friend!  She’s with you!  What would be the message to her if you went after that guy?  That you don’t trust her?  That you know he’s better and more appealing than you?  That she has to worry about any guy being friendly to her because you’ll go after them?

How much better for you to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re jealous about your boyfriend or girlfriend’s interest in someone else

Manuu asks: I have been wanting to date a girl a very long time, but she told me she has someone else she loves. But I can’t comprehend that in my head, because I love her way too much. Any time she talks about that guy I get so jealous and mad that even, a lot of time, I cry. I really do love her and don’t wanna leave her. What should I do?

Hi Manuu –

Oh I so understand where you’re coming from!  I’ll see my human friend Handsome fall in love with a woman, and get all obsessive about her, and I just can’t understand what he’s doing when I’m available and so in love with him, and always ready to play and cuddle and go wherever he wants – and those women are never as accepting as I am!

But the fact is, it doesn’t really matter how much you or I love someone; they feel what they feel, and that’s all there is to it.

But you can do what I do, which is to be the best friend in the world.  And that can work out, because if their romance doesn’t work out (and so far, Handsome’s never have!), we’re there to help them afterwards.

Now in my case, I’ve never been actually rejected by Handsome; he still loves and lives with me while he’s going crazy about these women.  Whereas you’re stuck in the “friend zone,” which I know feels lousy.

But if you can get her to value you enough, then maybe she’ll come to her senses and realize that you’ll make a far better boyfriend than that jerk!

So even though you’re jealous and angry, just try to be as kind and supportive as you can.  Don’t pretend to not care for her (or she’ll think you don’t), but let your love become a wish for her to be happy no matter what.

And if this other guy isn’t as kind as that, he’ll make you look SO GOOD!

In fact, there’s another funny thing that could happen to you, that does happen with me occasionally.  Handsome will put up with all sorts of nonsense a woman does (putting him down, flaking out on him, guilt-tripping him), but if she in any way questions his feelings for me, or especially if she suggests he should get rid of me or treat me worse… oh that’s when he BLOWS UP!  Here I’m being so great to him, and she’s complaining that I’m not good enough?  Nope, he’ll end up breaking up with her for it.

So imagine if you’re such a great friend to this girl, and her boyfriend gets jealous of YOU!, and tells her to cut you out of her life… and she responds by cutting HIM out instead!

It’s not impossible.  I’ve seen it a few times!

So see if you can do it.  If you’re just too angry, then maybe it’s impossible.  But if not, if you can allow her to have her feelings while staying as lovable as possible…  oh this could work out beautifully!

Let me know how it goes!

Shirelle