Category Archives for "Kids"

0 What’s the best way to deal with false rumors at school?

Arty asks:

A few weeks ago at lunch one of my friends at school told me that someone who I thought was my friend made a story about me on FaceTime (Maybe she was jealous but she also might have just been bored or feeling mean. I’m not sure.). It was about me having sex with someone else who is now out of our school, and us having a child and giving the child away. When I heard the story I went to someone who’s always supervising us during lunch. She’s someone I guess I trust, and we’ve known each other for however long I’ve been at this school, and my friends and I love her and always talk to her. So I told her everything. And this lady I trust called the girl who made the story about me and told her she was very disappointed in her because the same thing had happened to her last year. Then lunch ended and my teacher called everyone who was involved. She talked to us and the lady I trust also talked to us. I was silent the whole time and was on the verge of tears (I had wanted the lunch supervisor to talk about it to the person who made the story, but not to bring my teacher into it and get people in trouble and stuff like that cause I feel people would call me a tattle tale.), but tried not to show it. When they were done talking, I asked if I could use the restroom. I felt vindicated but also horribly embarrassed.  When I reached the restroom, I started crying. Then one of my used-to-be best friends but now sorta-friends walked in, gave me a hug, and we both cried a little bit. Then we went back to class. I’m sorta over this, and no one talks about it anymore, but whenever I think about it I feel like I still wanna cry. I don’t know what to do anymore and who to trust or who I can trust. My parents don’t know about this and after a few days no one at school talked about it anymore – which always happens whenever something major occurs. Now I feel like I’m wearing a mask and everyone thinks I’m ok. It’s just so hard not to have anyone to talk to (Sometimes when I say stuff, my schoolmates sorta just laugh at me. I feel like I just can’t get personal with them. And I don’t want to dump my problems on them because I’m sure that they have problems of their own.). And right now I myself feel like I’m being dramatic and selfish.

Then… a whole different story happened! Almost all of my classmates were added to a new group chat a few days ago (including me). And they started talking about a kid in my class. I’m going to name him r. Ok. So they were just talking about r liking every girl in the classroom and wanting to date me! And then they sent a picture of r with like a huge grin on his face and below it wrote r when he sees (I’m going to put j for my name) j. And I’m just like ‘ooook then’… I didn’t really have anything to say so I kept quiet. But with my friends (in a different group chat) were talking about it and stuff. Then r texted in the group chat ‘I like j’ and I was just completely shocked but told myself it was probably a dare or he’s just seeking attention and stuff like that. Then one of my other friends who was not in the group chat with my friends but was in the group chat with the entire class texted me and asked me if I saw the text r wrote. I told her yes. Then she asked if I liked him back. I knew that she was going to ask me and when I answered she would send it to her bestie and her bestie would send it to the whole class. So I just ignored her text. That was during the weekend. So come the school week, everyone is asking me ‘do u like r?’ ‘Are you and r dating’ ‘do you know’ and all that jazz. And one brat  told me ‘go kiss r’. My answer for all of those questions except the last one were ‘I’m not going to answer that question’ ‘no’ and ‘yes’ respectively (is that the right word?). Now, my question for u is what do I do? Do I text this boy and ask him why he did that? If it was a dare? Does he actually like me? (But I’m worried that if I do, he’ll take a picture and send it to everyone) or do I talk to him in real life. Or do I just ignore it and wait for it to be forgotten?  I will appreciate any piece of advise you have to offer. Thank you! 

Hi Arty –

Before anything else, I have one big statement for you:  you are NOT being “dramatic and selfish.”  You went through something terrifying with that crazy FaceTime incident, and are still trying to make sense of it, as anyone would. 

But I’m going to give you a suggestion on how to deal with all this that might sound really odd:  Take a deep breath, and do nothing!

Here’s my thought.  First of all, it seems quite clear that everyone quickly forgot about that idiotic story about you and the child.  It sounds to me like your class looooooves drama, and so is always looking for something new to talk about, so that crazy tale was forgotten as soon as some other nutty one came around!

Secondly, with the story about r, all he’s done was to write that note that said he liked you.  Well “like” is a very vague word.  I like you and I’ve never met you!  But he might mean that he thinks you’re cute (which anyone could say, whether or not they were actually interested in getting involved with you).  Or he might mean he has a huge crush on you.   Or, as you suggest, he might have just said it on a dare.

Regardless, he hasn’t done anything more about it.  And while a bunch of people are asking you how you feel about him (and I don’t know – do you actually feel anything toward him, good or bad?), they’ve probably moved on to other, equally earth-shaking questions, in the seven days since you wrote me.  But unless he’s done anything (like talk with you, or even try to get your attention), you have no responsibility in this at all!

You see, you care a lot about what your peers say and think about you, of course.  But what you’re not focusing on, or at least not telling me, is what you want.  In all the nutty stuff you wrote me about, I don’t hear anything about your excitement or hurt or wishes.  And I’m guessing that’s because they aren’t as important to you right now as what the group thinks and feels about you!

So focus on that.  Would you like r to approach you?  Let him know.  Would you prefer he not?  Then keep things as they are.

I know it seems the opposite is true, but YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER HERE!  Someone saying they like you is a nice compliment but nothing more.  People talk all the time about liking pop stars and actresses, who don’t need to respond at all.  Neither do you!  

You’re just fine, my friend.  And what’s cool is that, for the second time in a very short while, everyone at school got focused on you.  Think how it would feel to be one of those kids no one ever thinks about!  You’re one of the lucky ones!

So stay cool, and take that deep breath — and don’t do anything till you have a feeling that makes you do something.  You have the power, and you have the right!

All my best,

Shirellle

2 Acts of Contrition – the importance of apology

In a popular movie of 1970, a famous actress tells her boyfriend Ryan O’Neal, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”  A couple of years later, he was in another hit movie, where another famed actress tells him the same line, and he responds “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

I agree more with the second one.

People say they’re sorry all the time, and even though they may not truly mean it at a deep level, it’s usually appreciated.  You interrupt a conversation with, “Sorry to bother you, but…” and it’s accepted.  Or you bump into someone accidentally, and say “Oh, sorry!”  Now do you truly, in these situations, feel deep sorrow about your action?  Of course not.  It’s not that big a deal.  It’s just nice to say.

But with bigger deals, it’s often far more important – and more difficult – to express sorrow and remorse.  To feel and relay it to a degree that changes how others look at you.

This issue got on my mind recently, due to some international political scandals I heard about. On May 20, 2020, a world leader attended a party while making rules that people should stay in and not go to parties.  In November of that year, another leader did just the same thing.  And both then lied when they were caught!  And both got in trouble for their hypocrisy.  But today, one of them is hugely popular, while the other might well be dumped by his own party.  What’s the difference? 

I’d argue it’s all about apology.

In May of 2020, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, attended a party at his home, while pushing the people of his nation to, in caution against the Coronavirus, not even attend funerals, much less parties just for fun.  When asked about the party, he said he hadn’t even known about it.  Then he was forced to admit he’d actually been there.

Then six months later, the governor of California, Gavin Newsom, attended a dinner at a fancy restaurant, while he was pushing the people of his state to stay home and not go to restaurants.  When asked about it, he admitted going, but said that everyone had safely stayed outdoors.  Then when press photos of him showed that he was sitting under an indoor chandelier, he had to admit he’d been inside.

Two lying politicians, hypocritical about the rules they expected others to follow.  So what’s the difference?

Mr. Newsom began apologizing at once.  And then, for the next year, he constantly kept doing so, saying what he’d done was stupid, and made a strong point of not making a mistake like that again.

Meanwhile, Mr. Johnson continued to avoid talking about that party, and has been caught at others, including a celebratory one the night before his nation’s Prince’s funeral!  Finally this week he apologized for the 2020 party to Parliament, and for the recent one to their Queen. 

Both politicians have faced public fury, and attempts from their opposition parties to replace them in office.  In Mr. Newsom’s case, it even led to a special election.  But by that time, he’d apologized enough, and shown his better qualities in contrast to his opponent’s ideas, and won a greater percentage of the vote than in the election that had originally given him the job.

While, in Mr. Johnson’s case, many members of his own party are calling for him to resign immediately.

Again, I’m not trying to say either one is a total hero or total villain here.  Both showed stupidity and arrogance in the first place.  But one eventually handled it right, and the other didn’t.  And as Mr. Newsom approaches his originally-scheduled battle for re-election, no member of his opposition party has even yet publicly announced they want to run!

What’s the difference between the two?  Mr. Newsom might just be saying and doing the things he ought to, but he appears to be legitimately sorry he went to that party, and to see how hurtful it was to the people of his state.  While Mr. Johnson appears to only be admitting his fault to get out of trouble, nearly two years later, in a way that no one believes.

Now I’ll give another couple of examples of what I’m talking about, a bit closer to home: These are about me!

For the first few years I lived with Handsome, I tore up, chewed, or broke more things in his home than I can count – from windows to album covers to plumbing to furniture.  And, young and headstrong, I could see that he was upset about them but didn’t really care all that much.  Sure I wanted him to be happy with me, but that was about it.

But as I got older, I wanted to be more careful.  To stop disappointing him.  To be more of a partner.

But things happen. And sure enough, one day I was near a window when a neighbor I loved to bark at walked by.  I jumped up to let him know I saw him and wasn’t going to take that lying down – and knocked over a large potted plant, that shattered onto the floor, spilling dirt everywhere. 

Handsome heard the noise and ran into the room, and stopped when he saw it, “oh NO!” he yelled at the mess.

Now, again, I’d done things far worse, but not at this stage in my life.  I felt just awful!  I bowed my head into the floor, my eyes squeezed shut, full of remorse and pain. 

And what did Handsome do?  Oh you can guess.  His heart just melted.  He came and hugged me and murmured, “Oh sweetie, it was only a plant.  I can clean it up.  It’s fine.” 

And it was.

A year or two later, a friend of his, one of my favorites, was at our place.  I’d brought her a stuffed toy, and she was playing tug-of-war with me with it, both having a great time.  But then I took a deeper bite to get more of it into my mouth, and accidentally bit her hand.  “OWW!” she yelled, and pulled her hand back. 

All over again, my heart just broke.  I loved this lady (still do).  The last thing I’d ever want would be to hurt her, or to make her not want to play with me.  So again, my head bowed, my chest hitting the floor, my eyes wanting to shut this truth out completely.

And again, she saw it and knew it was true.  She petted me and said “It’s okay, you knucklehead.  You just have to be more careful.”  And gave me a hug.

Boy did I lick her face clean that day!

The point I’m making in all this is about sincerity.  To say you’re sorry is a nice gesture, but to truly feel sorrow over something you’ve done to someone – that means the world.

In an old movie Handsome loves, a character says that apologizing is a sign of weakness.  Well, maybe that’s true.  Maybe a true apology is telling someone “I’m weakening myself to you, because I feel so bad about what I did.”

I certainly showed weakness about that plant and that toy.  And I’m not ashamed of it – I’m proud!

You see, Handsome and his friend both gained respect for me when I did that.  And Mr. Newsom gained respect from the people of his state when he came clean about that stupid party.  Maybe Mr. Johnson can gain some respect from this too – althought it might be too late for that.

So my doggy advice, if you find yourself in a situation where you should apologize?

1. Apologize as soon as you can.  Right away is best.
2. Don’t say anything you don’t mean.  Just tell your heart’s truth.
3. Don’t make excuses.  (Mr. Johnson, in his speech to Parliament, said he’d only been at that party for “25 minutes.”  So?  Who cares whether he broke his own rule for five minutes or five hours?  It just made him sound insincere.)
4. Don’t ask for forgiveness, at least not yet.  That’s immediately asking the person you hurt to do something for you!  If they don’t forgive you, you can ask later, but don’t make that part of the apology.
5. And for crying out loud, don’t just go back and do the same thing again!

If you can master these, your apology has a great chance of being accepted.  And with that, your life will be able to move on from whatever it was you did.

Because in truth, love often IS saying you’re sorry.  And meaning it!

0 What to do when others are intimidated by your size and energy?

Arty asks: I feel very self-conscious lots of the time. I’m overweight, and I have pimples and acne. My friends also call me mean and evil (though that’s just one guy) and aggressive and sarcastic, to an extent where they can’t tell if I’m even being serious or not. Of course, I know that most of the time, when they call me that, they are just joking around, but sometimes I feel they are serious. One girl even tells me that my voice just sounds a way in which she can tell that I’m being serious. Sure I’m loud, sometimes I’m ‘energetic’ and sometimes I shout (in a joking manner). But overall, I feel like one day, I’m just gonna be abandoned by my friends and that scares me. What do I do?

Hi Arty –

So if I see this correctly, you’re bigger than your friends, and your playfulness can be overwhelming to the degree they don’t know if you’re being playful or aggressive?  ARTY YOU’RE ME!!  That’s just what I get in the dog park!  I want to play with everyone, but because I’m big and very active (I don’t have the skin issue, but no dogs do!), many of them get scared.  Both dogs and people!

While pretty much all humans get self-conscious, and dogs don’t, it does sound to me like you’re dealing with a problem that we dogs do face a lot.  Little dogs bark all the time, even bite a lot, and no one takes them seriously, just laughing at them and going “Oh you’re so adorable!”  Then a huge dog makes one friendly bark and everyone is terrified they’re going to get eaten!  You’d think this means us more-medium-sized dogs would have all communication perfect, but no, it doesn’t work out that way.

The truth is, Arty, everyone needs to adjust their energy somewhat to others.  I can’t run up and jump on everyone the way I’d like to.  Smaller dogs have to be more careful of people stepping on them than I do.  And you – you’re a big guy with a voice that somehow intimidates some people (at least that one girl).  So my advice is simple – learn to soften it.  Learn to approach people in a way that shows you’re not threatening them.

But also learn that these qualities are YOUR POWERS, and you shouldn’t shut them all the way down.  There will be times when it’s great that you’re big, and have that powerful voice!  Don’t give that up!  Think of the SpiderMan line, that with great power comes great responsibility.  I’m saying to, yes, take that responsibility – but for heaven’s sake don’t give up the power!

I once heard a great line, that the definition of a gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordion and then doesn’t.  Yes that is meant to be silly (after all, lots of people love to hear accordions!), but there’s a lot of truth in it: Having the power to do something, and choosing when to do it, is the key to greatness.  It does no one any good for you to deny your strengths, but it also doesn’t help you if everyone is always afraid of your uncontrollable presence. 

So learn to be able to keep your voice down.  And learn to be able to hold back your sarcasm.  And (and this will take time) learn just the right amounts to let them out to serve your purposes.

If you can master that, you won’t just be Arty.  You’ll be an ArtISTE!

Best,
Shirelle

0 Should I be concerned if my child cries too much?

Mqasana asks:

I have a 11-year-old boy who is very troublesome. I love my first born child but he’s very disrespectful, doesn’t like to take bath to stay clean, cries at you when you talk to him, and his school is also trouble, he comes home late every day.
Where can I find a school that can help me and my child?

Hi Mqasana –

I can’t tell enough from your letter, but it sounds possible that your son has an actual emotional disorder.  The disrespect and hating baths are nothing out of the ordinary (both are true of me!), but his crying worries me more. 

I’m thinking less that he needs a new school than that you should ask if his current school if they have a counselor, and if not, if they can recommend one.  You might also consider taking him to a doctor to see if there’s anything physically wrong with him.

All kids go through rough phases, and eleven is a common age for boys to be problems.  But please find out if anything else is going on.  If so, there might be some treatment that can help him.  And if not… I don’t think it’s a new school that you want, but rather maybe a family therapist to help him grow through this phase.

Thanks and good luck!

Shirelle

6 Your Special Resolution! … a way to better enter 2022

            Where you live, do people make New Year’s Resolutions? 

I like them.  I think they’re a pretty healthy addition to all the other year-end rituals of parties and gifts and food we have here. 

It’s a pretty simple concept – each person looks at their lives at that moment and says “Okay, what changes do I resolve so that I’m a better person in this next year?”

            Most of them tend to be just what you’d guess, “I’ll lose weight,” “I’ll get stronger,” “I’ll eat less sugar,” “I’ll read more books.”  And as you can also guess, these tend to fall apart as the year goes on (though they do wonders for the financial accounts of gyms in January!).

            Then some get more interesting.  “I’m going to break up with my hyper-critical boyfriend,” “I’ll get my drivers license,” “I’ll get a new job.”  What I like about these is that they’re one-off ideas.  Keeping weight off for a year is possible but requires huge commitment, while quitting a relationship or taking a driving test can be done all at once.

            But I’ve been thinking about a different difference between resolutions.  Is the person focused on the past or the future?

            We dogs live in the present about 99% of the time.  From the most obedient German Shepherd to the most disobedient Poodle Mix (yes I’m looking at you, Ginger!).  While most humans live in some sort of split between the past, present, and future.  If I smell a piece of yummy cheese, I focus on it, with no thoughts of anything else.  But I see all the time – someone sees a pretty girl and their brain just races, “Wow she’s beautiful.  She reminds me of that girl I had that crush on when I was twelve.  I wonder what she’d be like to marry.”  They’ve gone from present to past to future in seconds!

            And I find that most resolutions focus on the past.  “I’ll drink less than I have lately,” “I’ll spend more time studying and less time on TicToc,” “I’ll be kinder to my mother.” 

            Now I’m all for self-improvement, and think that those past-focused resolutions are just fine.  And I hope every one of you who makes them can keep at least most of them in 2022!

            But I want to urge each of you to also make at least one New Year’s Resolution that has nothing to do with improving the past, and just points to the future.  “I’m going to travel to Italy!”  “I’m going to give a tenth of my money to the needy!”  “I’m going to go on twenty dates, and I don’t care with whom!”

            Do you see the difference?  The past-centered ones are about regret, a feeling of being “not good enough.”  But the future ones are about Hope.  About what you Want.  About what would make you Feel Good.

            We have been through ENOUGH these past two years!  And I see all these people out there who’ve been disappointed or crushed so much by this pandemic that they’ve stopped planning for hope.  But that’s the only fun part about having your future-oriented brains!  (If you don’t put some hopes into that future part, it’ll just fill up with fears and worries, won’t it?!).

            So while we all hope that the virus will truly abate in a few months, see if you can start training your brain to hope bigger, too.  But not just for something wonderful to happen to you (“I hope I win the lottery,” “I hope someone wonderful asks me out,” “I hope my son gives me a grandchild!”), but something for you to DO. 

            I can’t guarantee you’ll make it to Italy any more than I can that you’ll lose those inches around your waist.  But I do know that focusing on hope is the best way to help it happen.

            And that makes it so much easier for me to believe in my big hope right now – that every one of you has a joyous, healthy, successful, loving, and HAPPY New Year!

            Cheers!

            Shirelle

2 Even Though – a guide to gratitude in 2021

            In the United States, where I live, we have a lovely holiday.  Lovely for two reasons.  One is that its only major ritual is cooking and eating a huge meal – huge enough that we pet-pups are pretty much guaranteed leftovers!

            But the other loveliness is the meaning of it.  It’s a day all about gratitude. 

            The legend (and the more historical discoveries that come out, the more it seems to be… yeah… a legend!) is that when a group of religious refugees came here from England in the 1600s, the local people helped teach them how to survive in this harsh new environment.  And to show their appreciation, the English pilgrims set up a great feast, sharing all they’d grown and caught with those who taught them how to do so.

            Now I’m not going to go into the details of what of that is true, or the horrors of what the Europeans later did to those local residents.  But I do love that it eventually resulted in a day of gratitude.  A holiday for everyone.

            Some time back, when The Pawprint was new, I put out a list every year at this time, of what I was grateful for that year.  It might be something exciting and hopeful in international relations, or some music that Handsome played a lot and I liked the sound of, or maybe just something tasty I’d had the day before.  Whatever came to my mind.

            But as optimistic and cheerful a pup as I am, creating such a list would be hard this year!  Everything I can think of to be thankful for has a darker underside, a “Yeah But.”  Happy about a beautiful day?  Yeah, but climate change is taking those away.  Happy about a dear friend?  Yeah, but what about the ones you’ve lost to this awful pandemic?

            But I refuse to sit in resentment and misery!  That’s just not what dogs are about!

            So instead, this year I’m going to offer an “Even Though” list of Thanksgiving.  Not denying what’s wrong, but focusing on what I’m thankful for. 

            You see, I find that, when we do that, it makes us see yet more to be thankful for, and helps us create a world more worthy of that gratitude.

            And that creates hope.  The most powerful force I know, next to love.

            Here Goes:

            EVEN THOUGH the Glasgow Climate Change Conference didn’t come up with nearly enough solutions to our problems, more was agreed upon than ever before, and directions were set for future improvements.

EVEN THOUGH variants and fear have kept the stupid Coronavirus raging for another year, medical discoveries, international assistance, and growing awareness and knowledge keep us moving toward a new day of embracing and enjoying each other fearlessly again.

EVEN THOUGH the political system in my country is rife with forces keeping improvements at bay, the horrific top-down corruption and murderous neglect of the past four years has ended, and good people are able to at least try to make things better.

            EVEN THOUGH Handsome’s work keeps him away too much, he still gives me treats every time he leaves, which eases my heartache.

            EVEN THOUGH the stupid virus has still reduced attendance at plays, movies, concerts, and sports events, they’re all coming back, spitting in the face of the disease that tried to destroy them.

            EVEN THOUGH, on that note, most people aren’t able to see it on the big screen, In the Heights is a really fun movie that makes pretty much everyone who sees it happy and want to dance.

            EVEN THOUGH it’s still hard for young people to meet up freely, love continues to bloom and offer hope to all.

            EVEN THOUGH it’s still hard for anyone to meet up freely, technology has allowed for virtual face-to-face meetings that have kept humans at least somewhat connected (though we dogs miss smelling everyone SO MUCH).

            EVEN THOUGH international trade is blocked up in so many ways, most of us can still find something to eat, or ways to help feed those who can’t.

            EVEN THOUGH everyone is living in fear, and many get sick or even die every day from this awfulness, people still find joy and reasons to love life every second.

            And toughest of all to say, EVEN THOUGH we have lost beings we love and will always feel the pain of that loss, that pain comes because of the beautiful memories and the profound ways those now-angels have affected and changed us forever. 

            And maybe that last one is the greatest gratitude of all.

            Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are.  And may next year bring countless reasons for gratitude that don’t require “Even Though”s!

            Like my gratitude for you!

            Love and Thanks as always,

            Shirelle

0 Beauty and The Best … remembering my friend Dilla

            I hate loss.  All dogs do.  We don’t even like it when our humans leave home for a few hours, locking us in.  But that’s because we’re so afraid you’re not going to come back!  Ever!

            And what we hate worst is when someone doesn’t come back.  When we lose someone we love, never to see them again.

            In some cases, that includes missing the music of their laughter, or even the charm and beauty of their face.  But not always.  Sometimes we can lose someone who made the worst sounds, and looked, well, kinda ugly.  And that loss can hurt just as much, if not more, because in those cases all we felt for them was love.  Pure love. 

            That was my wonderful friend Dilla.

            I met Dilla when he was left to stay “for just a little while” at my neighbors’ home.  Their son and his girlfriend had adopted this little pup, but then broke up, so neither had a place to keep him anymore.  The son knew his parents were great dog lovers (And oh they are!  Handsome sometimes worries I love them even more than him!  I don’t, but I am crazy about them, and just adore making him worry about it!), and figured they’d take good care of him till he was able to get a place of his own that would accept dogs.

            Well, you’ve probably heard that old line about “Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!”?

            That young man’s parents fell so hard in love with Dilla – and he with them – that, by the time he had an appropriate home, it was too late.  Dilla was theirs and they were his, and he would only be able to see his pup on visits from then on!

            Now all this sounds pretty normal, right?  We dogs attach easily, and our hearts are big enough to hold more than just one person or household inside. 

            What wasn’t normal was Dilla.

            This was a family that had always had, and loved, big beautiful dogs.  Labrador Retrievers and such – noble beasts who can protect you, hunt with you, and wrestle with you with joy and gusto.  Dilla was maybe a sixth their size, with tiny delicate feet at the end of his spindly legs, so everyone had to be extra-careful in petting him.  His body wasn’t a long lean runner’s figure like mine; his was more… well, his people usually referred to it as a “lima bean.”

            And his face?  Well, that’s where things get more serious.  To most people’s eyes, Dilla’s was as ugly a mug as exists.  Big eyes bugging diagonally, a shoved-in nose, and a mouth all full of fleshiness, with a tongue that stuck out the side.  Handsome described his look as “Like someone ripped the wings off of a bat!”  Could anyone love such a face?

            Everyone did.  At first sight.

            Why was that?  Sure he was a sweet, playful pup, but there was more to it.  Dilla’s homeliness brought out a squeeze in the hearts of everyone who met him.  While a Maltese or Pekinese might look more pretty, it was Dilla who everyone always wanted to pick up and hug.  As if, maybe, just the right hug could bring out the beauty in the beast.  (But no, none ever did!)

            Now, there’s a lot people can learn from Dilla.  Sure, all humans love beauty.  But they love the beautiful in a mixture of awe, respect, and desire.  Beauty isn’t endearing.  (You don’t look at a photo of Selena Gomez or the Hemsworths and feel “awwwwwww.”  But you might at a shriveled little old man with a walker!).  What made Dilla endear so much was how true he was to himself, and how much he accepted his appearance.  He didn’t pull back and ask if you thought he was good-looking enough; he ran to you, snorted, licked you out of the side of his mouth, and dropped a drooly toy into your lap, demanding you play with him.

            (Handsome says, in his book about me, that one of my strengths is that I know how to “Initiate Play.”  But Dilla demanded it!  An at-least equal strength!)

            A beautiful rose in a garden sits there, waiting for you to see and appreciate it.  A beautiful woman or man at a bar might do the same.  But Dilla’s energy didn’t allow for that – it exploded at you, taking you over, changing you, winning you into his world of growling pretend fury (he was not one to cheerfully fetch a ball and ask you to toss it again; he would roar at the ball, then tug-of-war with you before letting you have it, and then bark at you to throw it – everything gruff, everything adorable – and I have no words for the ways he would pretend-fight with his original best-human-friend.  Imagine raging violence with no actual harm done, all pure love – that’s about as well as I can describe it).  His fury was love, and his love was furious.  And when he was done with you, you were the same way!

            Dilla lived a full and joyous life, loved by all.  Unlike so many of us, he wasn’t felled by cancer or an accident; he kept snorting and growling and chasing till one day his body just gave out.  He’d gone blind and deaf, and was sleeping almost all day, but still his spirit never faltered.

            And soon after he went, it rained.  It rained in Southern California in August.  Please understand, it NEVER rains in Southern California in August!  In the middle of a drought, no less! 

            Some may say it was the angels weeping for Dilla.  But I say no – it was Dilla laughing, peeing on all the trees everywhere, making mud when no one expected it, maybe even making some people slip and mess up their clothes.

            With the message he always gave:  Be yourself so passionately that even your ugly is beautiful.  Love so strongly you make others love what you do.  And furiously grab life for all you can.

            Good night my beautiful friend.  And thank you.

0 Is it okay to prefer to be alone?

Scarlett4 asks:

I am taking care of myself, but sometimes I feel like not to talk to anyone, just simply be in my company? Is it bad that I am loving this phase of staying alone manifesting and doing things of my own?

Hi Scarlett4 –

My friend, no one has ever been more social than your friend Shirelle.  I love my human friends, my doggy friends, and strangers of all species.  To me, waking in the morning is an invitation to excitement, my chance to meet, to interact, to jump on and lick everyone possible!

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love time alone.  Sitting in the yard watching for squirrels, or just sleeping under a tree.  Or, my greatest love, spending long afternoons and evenings with Handsome, watching him work or playing catch or taking walks or just lying nearby, loving feeling him close at hand.

Everyone needs both – time with others and time alone.  And no two beings are exactly alike.  Some people are called Extroverts, because most of their energy is about (and created by) others.  While others are called Introverts, as they are usually happiest (and charged up by being) alone.  There is nothing better or worse about either.  Politicians and salespeople pretty much have to be extroverts, while authors and composers have to be introverts. 

The only thing wrong with spending your time alone, my friend, is if you do it so much that you lose the ability to be comfortable with others.  So do spend some time in the company of other people.  But if you mostly like being alone, and are productive and happy when you are – no one has the right to tell you that’s wrong. 

And this puppy sure won’t try!

All my best,

Shirelle

2 Fido Fitness …a guide to Canine Cardio, and more!

            The restrictions are lifting.  People can go to restaurants again.  Even to the movies (I haven’t seen it yet but from everything I’m hearing, “In the Heights” is a must!).  And you guys can start playing sports and dancing and…

            Wait, what?  You can’t run or floss?  But I heard the rules were all…

            Ohhhhh…

            All around me, I’m seeing person after person in physical pain.  Not just old folks, or even middle-aged.  I’m talking about teenagers with back problems, and children who need to lose the fifteen pounds they put on during lockdown.

            This pandemic didn’t just hurt the health of those who caught the virus.  It has resulted in a world of severely out-of-shape folks.  In fact, from what I can see, it’s only the wealthy few who are still looking “Hollywood-Fit,” what with gym equipment in their homes or biking in mountains.  But for the rest of you guys?  It’s time for some help!

            Oh, but wait – there’s another bunch who also look as fit as in 2019.  Animals!  The dogs and cats and antelopes lemurs all look just fine!  Why is that?

            Well, because our lifestyles didn’t change all that much.  In fact, a lot of us pets found the lockdowns meant we got more walks and fun-time with our humans than before.  But even those who didn’t have that luck are doing fine. 

            So what can we teach you guys about how to regain your fitness?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Shift Positions

I’ve told you about my friend Aria, who suffered a lot before getting a great home, but still has to work to trust others the way I do?  One other difference between us is that she is a better hunter than I.  You see, I run around the yard, finding squirrels, birds, whatever, and barking at them while I chase them.  She’s cooler than that.  She finds a place to lie down and make herself almost invisible.  And then she waits, still.  For hours.  Doesn’t worry about birds or lizards.  And only jumps up when a squirrel comes close, and then explodes in speed after it.  And so she catches them a lot more than I do!

But while she’s waiting, she still moves – just a very little.  She’ll lie in one position for a half-hour or so, and then, making sure no one sees her, she’ll shift – maybe lie on her other side, or sit up a bit – just enough to change the way her body’s weight is held.  This keeps her able to bounce up when she wants to.

But most of the humans I’ve seen have spent the last year doing all their work in front of a computer, seated in the same chair.  And then, for entertainment… watched movies or shows or played games… in the same chair, on the same computer!  And now you’re wondering why your spines are trashed?  NOTHING in nature lives that way!  And you’re not supposed to! 

Whatever your job or interest is, don’t stay in one position.  Move around.  If you have to stay in front of a computer, have that chair, and also a ball you can sit on, and even stand for part of the day too.  And if you don’t have to stay in one place, move around a lot.  Keep your body in motion as much as you can. 

Aria may be still for nine-tenths of the day, but her figure is perfect and she has no muscle aches.  Be like her, at the least!

• Stretch More

You know what else you see us dogs, and cats, do all day?  STRETCH!  If you like doing yoga, that’s of course wonderful – and I wish I could get into some of those cooler positions I see yogis do! – but even if you’re not, stretch a LOT!  Try to touch your toes, or even better, sit on the ground with your back against a wall and try to stretch your legs out.  Bend to the side, bend back, pull your feet up behind you to stretch the fronts of your legs… all this is so good!  Not just in the morning either – do it a few times every day.  (And this doesn’t stop – I recommend this one till the day you come to meet us all in the great beyond!)

• Make Time

One big problem I saw before the pandemic was everyone being so stressed out and pushed for time.  “I can’t talk, I’ll be late for work,” or “I can’t think about that, I have too much on my mind.”  Or my biggest irritant, “I can’t walk you today, Shirelle, I have too many emails to respond to.” 

Well if you want to know what takes a lot of time, try having a damaged back, or bad knees, from lack of fitness.  Or a weak heart from lack of cardio exercise. 

You HAVE the time.  The problem is priorities.  What CAN you give up to make sure you have a half-hour (or more) every day to take care of your body?  Nothing is actually more important.

And here’s the funny part.  Once you start taking care of yourself, you’ll find you have more energy and alertness, so your work goes more efficiently.  And you’ll sleep better (more about that later).  So making time for exercise will actually GIVE you time, over time!

• Choose Exercise You Enjoy

And here’s another area where we dogs are SO much smarter than you people!  I don’t run around barking at every passing dog because I’m afraid they’re going to break through our fence and attack Handsome!  And Aria doesn’t chase squirrels because she’s starving!  We do these because they’re FUN! 

If you’ve found that, over the past year, you’ve been miserable attending classes on Zoom, and then doing online homework, but then sooo happy to play Minecraft for hours, what’s the difference?  Your Enjoyment!  Right?

So why do I see people spending all their exercise time on things they hate – Sit-Ups or Weights or whatever?  While others are joyously keeping just as fit by swimming or playing golf or… Hello?!… walking their dogs!  And if there’s nothing that really suits you that makes you sweat?  Then find the way to make it fun.  Go to a gym that has stationary bikes in front of a television, while there’s a show you like on.  Or listen to a podcast you love while running. 

My goal is for you to find something you enjoy so much that you look forward to it all day.  Or perhaps that you love the way you feel afterwards so much that you bounce out of bed in the morning so you can get to it and feel great as your day begins. 

Whatever it is, from the moment puppies and kittens and babies are born, we all love to play, using our bodies.  Find that in yourself again, however works for you.

• Find Other Sweetness

You want to know who’s done well in the pandemic?  Sure everyone talks about Zoom and Netflix and such.  But I’ll bet you the sugar producers have had their best year ever too!  Everyone seems to have had a sweeter and sweeter diet, with more and more snacking.  And guess what excess sugar does to you – besides rotting your teeth and possibly causing diabetes?  It inflames your muscles and ligaments!  Yes, that pain you’re in isn’t just because your spine is shrinking and you can’t sit up anymore.  It’s also because parts of you that are working well simply hurt now!  So start cutting back on that candy and those soft drinks, and you’ll find things improve right away

• Lose the Pandemic Diet

“Wait,” you say.  “Didn’t she just talk about eating?”  Sure I did, but only about sweets.  Your next job is to change the bad eating habits you fell into during the lockdown.  Maybe before this, you used to have three meals a day and one afternoon snack.  I’m betting that changed!  Now there’s a morning snack and three afternoon ones and then a couple after supper?  Right?

Funny, we dogs didn’t get that change!  We’re still eating the way we did before the lockdown (well, with maybe a few extra treats since you’re around us more).  And so we’re looking fine, while you have to lose your new tummies!

Maybe you’ve been able to keep a healthy food regimen through this time, but even if so, now it’s time to cut back on the snacks.  And if your food has also gotten junkier, then it’s definitely time to improve that.

And one more note on that:  Worldwide, one of the biggest effects of the lockdown has been people increasing their amount of mind-altering substances.  Alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, anything like this.  I’m not going to tell you whether or not you need to stop them completely (though I have an enormous respect for anyone who does), but if you’re using them more than you were a year and a half ago, your FIRST JOB is to cut way back on them now!  You’ve probably built up tolerance for them, which means that using enough to feel good is now being rougher on your liver and lungs than before.  And the police who arrest people for their blood-alcohol content don’t care a bit about the fact that you can tolerate more than you could two years ago. 

So cut back on all.  And life will get better and better and better.  I guarantee it!

• Keep the Sleep

My final recommendation isn’t about changing back to the way you were before the lockdown.  It’s the opposite.

Sleep deprivation used to be one of our greatest health problems.  But during the pandemic, everyone started sleeping in more.  Don’t need to drive the kids to school in the morning?  Great, that’s a half hour!  Don’t need to go to work yourself, or even dress up for it?  Greater, that’s another hour!  Can take a nap in the afternoon because school ended early?  Heaven!

So while everybody got a little shorter and a little chubbier, they also started sleeping as much as they needed for the first time in decades!

Once again, I’ll say – look to your pets.  We sleep through the night with you, but also take lots of naps through the day.  What can you do to help yourself keep sleeping enough?  Can you give yourself a nap?  Can you turn off your electronics at a decent hour to make up for having to get up earlier again? 

And if you remember, I pointed out earlier that getting exercise will help you sleep better.  You know what else will?  Changing positions, stretching, exercising, eating less junk, and especially reducing mind-altering substances.  In other words, everything I talked about here! 

So maybe you’ll find that you can still sleep enough, while sleeping a little bit less!  But it’s the “enough” that matters to me.  And will, in the long run, matter to you.

Maybe some of these suggestions aren’t what you need right now.  But I’m betting that, as life begins to get social and crowded again, some of these will help you.

But really, all I’m suggesting is that you do what you need so that this next year can be the happiest of your life.

Because you guys have earned it!!!

0 How to stay positive in a negative-minded world

Katarina asks:

How does one stay positive when everything around seems so negative?

Hi Katarina –

            Out of all the questions you could have asked, about any topic, you have picked probably my favorite!  Because if there’s one thing we dogs are better at than humans (well, besides hearing, smelling, and biting), it’s this!

            Some dogs live in fear.  I’ve written a lot about my friend Aria, who’s suffered abandonment, beatings, all sorts of awful stuff.  And while she’s sweet and loving, and happy in her new home, she’ll always be scared of “worst circumstances.”  But even with that, she’ll never be “negative,” in the way people can be.

            You see, the problem with you people is that your brains are too big!  You remember so much about the past, and analyze it so much, and think so much about the future.  And you create.  You write novels and symphonies and design buildings and computer coding and put your imaginations on canvases and movie screens – all of which is just wonderful.  But that same creativity means you’re always going to be trying to figure out “what’s next.” 

            Now if your life had always been happy and joyous, that “what next” might be wondering what delights will come to you tomorrow.  You’ve always had great friends?  Well tomorrow you might meet someone just as flawless you fall in love with.  You’ve always been lucky and respected?  Then tomorrow you might get a high-paying job you’ll love.  You’ve always been attractive?  Tomorrow you might get even more gorgeous!

            But no one, and yes I mean no one, gets that life.  By the time you’re a year old, you’ve felt terror, betrayal, abandonment, and awful pain (between being born, weaning, and diaper rash, it’s a guarantee!).  Want to learn not to trust those you love?  Experience your parents telling you they’re having another child.  Want to know cruel deprivation?  Your babysitter says no you can’t stop for ice cream.  Want to know assault?  Your doctor gives you a lifesaving injection.

            In other words, things that are perfectly fine, even wonderful, can feel awful.  And your brain, in order to protect you from being surprised and devastated by these things, learns to assume the worst.  And with that, you become pessimistic and overall negative.

            A few years ago, Handsome met a woman and they both liked each other at once, and started dating.  And of course they both had other things going on in their lives.  But whenever he would change a date – “Oh I forgot I have to work late that afternoon, do you still want to meet for dinner” or “Hey my cousin’s going to be in town that day for just a few hours, can we meet another night?” – she would always respond, “Yeah, right.”  Like she knew he was lying.  Even though he wasn’t.

            And because of this, eventually he broke things off.  Not that she was mean to him – she was actually very nice to him considering she “knew” he was lying to her! But rather he just didn’t want to be in a relationship where he was assumed to be lying all the time, when he was actually telling the truth!

            Was she bad?  No, but clearly she’d been disappointed, and lied to, so many times in the past that she had learned to expect it.  She had been programmed into negativity!  Which made her not just believe negatively (as Aria does) but act negatively and thereby create a negative world around her.  She made Handsome, who had felt positively about her, feel negatively, and end their relationship!  And then be on the lookout for other women to do the same thing, so he could get out more quickly if they did!  Yes – her negativity made him more negative!

            And while she’s a particularly obvious case, all people share this.  This is the basis of all prejudice, when you think of it – people learn to believe this group of people is sneaky, that group is dumb, and that group is evil… while there’s always lots of proof that those beliefs are wrong.

            So what can you, or any human, do?  You can’t eliminate your own intelligence and live as much in the moment as a pup. 

            But you can make a choice.  You can choose, more than we can. 

            For example, if you were in that woman’s situation, you could think “I imagine he’s on a date with someone else.  But even if he is, that’s okay, as I’ll see him afterward.  After all, we’re just beginning our relationship; we’re not committed or anything yet.”  Or “He says he’s with his cousin.  Maybe I’ll call and see if I can talk with that cousin!  I’ll just tell Handsome that I want to find out what his family thinks of him!”  And then when Handsome does laughingly hand the phone to his cousin, who talks him up, she’ll know he wasn’t lying.  (Or if he got nervous and said no she couldn’t, she’d have every reason to keep doubting him).

            Here’s the truth – bad luck will come along.  It always does.  You’d be dumb to deny that.  But your life is worse if you spend all your time worrying about it!  Good things also come along, and that negativity can take away the joy they bring.  “Yes I just found a pot of gold and will be rich forever, but I know my friend still won’t return my call!”

            Look at it this way.  You don’t know exactly how long you have to live, but it’s a finite time, right?  Maybe you have ninety years ahead of you, and maybe just ninety hours.  But either way, it will end.  Would you rather spend them happier and hopeful, or mired in suspicion?  And would you rather people know you as someone who spreads joy or someone to avoid? 

            That’s your choice.

            You can’t control fate, but you can control what you choose to focus on.  When I first step out of our house in the morning I tend to stop, blown away by all in front of me.  The smells, the sounds, the sights, the feel.  I’m overwhelmed by all the new, the possible.  While most people rush out their door, griping about whatever is in between them and their car, not absorbing any of it.

            You say in your question, Katarina, that “everything around seems so negative.”  I say you’re right, but the most important word in there is “SEEMS.”  What about looking for the opposite?

            There’s a cold miserable storm outside?  Focus on the fact you have shelter.  You get a flat tire?  Focus on the fact that you know either you or someone else will repair it.  You have no food to eat?  Focus on the fact that you almost certainly will later.  You have no money?  Focus on how you can get some.

            Again, I’m not asking you to be unrealistic.  That storm is cold, that tire is flat, you’re hungry and broke!  But focusing on the negative means things will stay that way, while focusing on the positive enables change and improvement.

             And here’s the strangest thing about this way of living: you won’t be wrong!  For example, let’s say someone you love is ill with a potentially fatal disease.  You could choose to focus on the negative, assume they’re dying, and start grieving now.  Or you could focus on the fact that the doctors give them a 20% chance of survival, and do anything you can to help make that happen.  Now what will happen if they die?  Will you be “wrong?”  Nope.  You’ll still be right.  You had focused on hope, and now they’re truly gone.  And you can grieve your heart out.  But their last days alive were better because you were full of love and hope and appreciation.

            Katarina I’m not saying this is easy.  It’s not.  But it is, I truly believe, the best way to live. 

            It sure works for me!

            Wishing you the very best,

            Shirelle