Category Archives for "Kids"

0 How to heal emotional trauma in the body

Scarlett4 asks:

I am still single, and my ex-boyfriend got married to a girl of his mother’s choice and now doing all the things that I shared him that we will do after our wedding. He even stole our honeymoon spot — I felt bad, I tried to cry but I couldn’t. And now I am getting many proposals but I am not interested in any of them, so I have rejected everyone. Instead I am only investing time on myself, so lately I was working with my chakras. My throat chakra was blocked due to some reason but yesterday some incident happened which forced me to speak for myself if someone is going against my will. Yesterday one of my friends took me for a ride but while returning, instead of going towards my home, he was taking me out of the city. I shouted and asked him to turn the bike back. That scared me and I felt like crying but couldn’t cry this time also. I need to cry this all out of me.  Please help me get rid of all the heaviness on my heart.

Hi Scarlett4 –

What you’re describing can happen to anyone.  Even a dog (though it’s rare).  Trauma can set in to a particular part of the body, and render it painful, numb, or (as in your case) inactive.  Now the good news is that your situation isn’t so strong that you can’t speak at all (which has happened to victims of assault or war trauma), just that you can’t cry out what you need to.

There’s no perfect cure for this, though time will almost certainly change things.  For example, I know a man who had a similar inability to cry, and struggled through everything from psychotherapy to acting classes working on it, until his dog died.  He then cried for nearly six months straight (From what I hear, that was one great dog)!

So my first suggestion to you is to not worry too much about it.  Focusing on it and trying to force it will only make the problem worse.  Something inside you feels it doesn’t have the right to let crying out, and it just needs to relax and learn that that’s not true.

But my second suggestion is to calmly work at it from two sides.  First, you can work on strengthening your throat itself.  Maybe just doing a deep-breathing meditation every day, maybe taking singing lessons (or just singing more often for fun), or even trying public speaking.  All these will help your throat get more nimble and freed, so that it doesn’t get too squeezed up by this.

And second, work to free your voice in other regards.  Paint, dance, or especially write.  Keeping a journal is fantastic – write all your feelings down in a way that would make anyone else burst into sobs!  Or write stories or thoughts, whatever feels right to you.

And hopefully, eventually, you’ll find that this starts allowing your throat to let other things out.  Like when you yelled at the guy on the bike – that’s terrific!  Maybe now you can speak with strength when you see someone doing something you find unjust.  Or to tell someone they hurt you badly.

And then, you might be surprised at some of the things that come out.  You’ll intend to tell someone to stop doing something (like stop driving you away from your destination), but other words will come out of you – stronger words.  Like instead of “Hey don’t take me the wrong direction!” it’ll be “What kind of moron are you!  Did you think I was some sort of twit who’d allow this!  Turn around or I’ll have you arrested, you manipulative creep!” 

Ooh, that’d be good, wouldn’t it!

Handsome loves to tell the story of when he first got me as a puppy, and how for the first few weeks I didn’t bark.  He thought I might never be able to.  But then one day, I peed on a rug, and he scolded me for it.  So I started to lick it up, and he scolded me for that.  So I nipped his foot, and he scolded me for that.  Over and over, whatever I’d do, he’d “No!” me.  Till finally I got so frustrated I gave a “rrrRrwOOW!” bark at him.  Sort of a growl-yelp.  And he picked me up and covered me in kisses – he has always said that was the moment he fell in love with me.  Since then I’ve barked a lot, many say too much, but I learned that day that my voice was welcome (even though my first words were pretty obscene!  I was mad!)

We each have our journey with our voices.  I’m sure you cried just fine as a baby, but now you can’t.  That man I mentioned basically didn’t cry between ages 25 and 45.  And I didn’t bark until I was about four months old. 

Your body will let you cry when it’s ready.  Till then, just keep granting yourself the right to your voice, in whatever way it comes out.

That’s what matters most!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 If a person is pushing for my attention, are they actually interested in me too?

Ars asks:

I liked a girl from a very long time ago whom I know about and she also knows about me and over the years I fallen for her. Then one day I confessed my feelings to her, that I like her and I am in love and all, and she rejected me. Now she is showing interest in me – she texts me and even she feels jealous of me being with another girls or hanging out and posting pictures which she doesn’t like. Yes, I had a thought that she is wanting my attention but she even asked for a date with me on a phone call since we are not living too close to each other, and she always asks if I have another girlfriend or not. She also friend-zoned me, telling that we can be friends, but she always complains that I am not talking to her for too long and shows jealous behavior also when I am with another girl, and talks about my interests and… all confusing behavior. Shirelle. is there any chance of a mind change or is she an attention seeker? Please help me out.

Hi Ars –

            So I think I want to restate your question.  Because there is no doubt that she wants attention.  But is that all she wants?  That’s what matters.

            When Handsome was a child, he and his parents went to a shelter to see about getting a dog.  They passed a good-looking one in a cage who was pawing at the gate, trying to get out.  But when the worker opened the gate, the dog backed up, scared.  The worker said that this showed that the dog was smart – he knew he wanted out, but didn’t know whether he could trust them.  Over time, the dog proved to be great, and very friendly.

            Is that this girl?  When you told her your feelings, did she just back up out of initial nervousness, but then, over time, learn to trust you, and then start wanting your loving attention more and more?  Really hoping, like that pooch, to have as much of you as she can?

            Or is she someone who isn’t really interested in you, but likes attention?  So when you expressed desire for a relationship, she (with honesty) said no.  But then, as you (nobly) stepped away, she went “Wait, but I like you being interested in me, and I don’t want you to stop – even if I’m not going to actually accept you!”

            And here’s my bad news:  I have no idea which of those is true.

            But I have a suggestion.  You see, Ars, I’m a big believer that life is only worth living if you take chances for good things.  Especially when the risk is low. 

            Now if, say, you had a crush on a famous movie star, and you thought, “I know what to do – I’m going to break into her home, sneak up to her bedroom, and before she awakens, tie her up, so she’ll stay and listen to me and learn how I love her and she’ll fall in love with me and we’ll live happily ever after,” I might suggest that that’s not such a good idea. 

            But should you ask out a woman you have loved, who’s expressing interest in you now?  What might you lose?  A little pride if she says no?  (Certainly you’d lose a lot less than you would for breaking, entering, and assault of a movie star!)

            In fact, I’d even argue that you’d gain more than you’d lose either way.  If she agrees to date you and is everything you’ve ever dreamt, then GREAT!  And if she flakes out on you?  Then you have the answer to your question, and can move on from this (while being very grateful that you learned this in such an easy way).

            So my suggestion is to go right back to her, ask her on a date, and see what happens. 

            And then my request is to PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

            Best of Luck!  I’m very hopeful!

            Shirelle

0 Should one be the “giver” in a relationship?

hey hey peg asks:

I have been dating this guy for 9 months and lately I haven’t been feeling that great about my relationship. I just want to know if I am in an emotionally healthy relationship or not. Since we started dating this guy has stopped texting me first. I am always the one who is supposed to text him first and he has never given me a clear reason for that. Sometimes when he is angry he says some stuff which really hurts me, and he has also blamed me for his anger a few times, even though I didn’t do anything.  But he does apologize when he realizes his mistake. We also communicate less because I am sick of always texting and calling him first. Sometimes I just feel he doesn’t care about me anymore, and it hurts very bad. He also fails to understand that I have problems in my life too; he thinks my life is sorted but it’s not. And lately we have been fighting a lot. He gets mad a lot due to his studies and responsibilities, so I try to understand his moods, but sometimes I feel there is no one who understands me the way I try to understand and support people. I am always so kind and nice to everyone, I always care about everyone, but when I feel alone there is no one to understand me. I have to deal with all that crap on my own, always. I feel like I should stop caring about everything, but no matter how much I try I can’t. I am not like that. I have always been taught to care, to help. I feel confused. Is this relationship healthy? Should I stop caring about everyone?

Hi hey hey peg –

In a way it looks like you’re asking two questions here, but actually I think it’s just one.  If I understand correctly, you’re asking whether it’s right or wrong to be “the giver” all the time in relationships – whether romantic or other kinds.  And my easy answer is: Only If You Want To.

Let me explain. Like most dogs, I love doing things for others.  I love guarding my yard, I love giving Handsome hundreds of licks when he’s feeling down, and of course I love helping out my Pack members here.  I don’t receive anything back for this, and I don’t want to; I just love doing it for the sake of doing it.

However, I also get lots of nice things in life.  Handsome takes care of me and makes sure I have food and shelter and all the love he can give.  And you guys make me feel a hundred feet tall when I’m able to help you.  So it works out.

But in other areas, there is a give-and-take in life.  When Handsome takes me for a walk, I know he can’t stop at every smell I find interesting, but I need to stop sometimes, and need him to be okay with it.  Also, when we greet each other, we shower each other with affection – it’s not just me licking him or just him petting me.  And if one of these situations became one-sided, I’d be bothered.

Like you.

What I see as wrong in your relationship is that it’s all about what he wants at any time.  He feels okay blowing up at you in anger, and then is okay with apologizing when he realizes something wasn’t your fault.  Well what about him holding back on those blow-ups, or even better, checking in with you to see if he ought to blow up or not?  And what’s this nonsense about you always being the one to text first?  Does he never miss you, or wonder how your day went, or just have something he wants to say or ask?

And in the rest of your life, it sounds like a similar situation.  You feel like you’re the one doing all the caring, and no one is caring about you.  Well that’s an awful feeling! 

Now I don’t know that no one cares about you, or that your boyfriend isn’t interested in you.  But it’s clear that neither he nor your other friends are making you feel cared about!  And you need that!

So my suggestion is to do a mix of pulling back on all the giving you’re doing, and letting these people know what you need.  For example, with your boyfriend, just tell him, “Hi, I’m guessing you want some space, so I won’t bother you till you tell me you want to check in with me.”  And when he asks what gave you that idea, just say “Well, you never text me; you just wait for me to text you.  So I figure that must be proof of something.”  And see what happens.

And similarly, when you feel you’re giving too much to your friends or family, just pull back, and give what feels right.  And if someone asks why you’re not doing more, just explain that you don’t like feeling like you’re giving more than they are. 

But there’s one important part of all this, that might be really difficult: try to say these things to these people WITH NO SENSE OF BLAME OR RESENTMENT.  Just be as casual and friendly as you can. 

It’s like when I’ve played fetch with some children who get the idea of fake-throwing the ball to watch me chase after it and get frustrated.  They think it’s hilarious the first time they do it, so they keep doing it, till, at some point, I stop running for it.  I don’t growl or snarl at them, I just cheerfully walk away and do something else, since they’re not playing the way I like.  And that changes them!  They stop trying to trick me.  Instead, they start actually throwing the ball, hoping I’ll be willing to restart the game the way it was before!

And that’s what I’m hoping for for you.  That your boyfriend starts texting you, and stops putting unfair blames on you.  And that your friends and family stop expecting you to do way more than they do.

Except – and I’m repeating my first point here – Except when you want to do more than is returned.  When you want to just give and give and love the feeling of giving.  I sure don’t want to get in the way of that!

Because it feels so good to do!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with parents not accepting your bisexuality

Vedanova asks: I’m bisexual. Yesterday I came out to father. I went to his office and I could feel my heart beating very fast. I was very nervous. He was watching a movie on TV so I waited some time and then we went to get some food. When we came back, I still wasn’t very confident, but I told him I had something that I had wanted to tell him for a long time. And then I told him I was attracted to boys. And the first words that came out of his mouth were, “We have to change that.” I didn’t speak the actual word bisexual because I didn’t want him to know that I know about sexuality. And then I started crying. He started explaining me that this is all because of hormones and that I must have excess of estrogen in my system. And as every homophobic parent ever told their child, “It’s just a phase” was told to me . He wanted to explain me that after a couple years there will be no estrogen left in my system, and I will be attracted to only girls. Now he’s the doctor and not me so I don’t know if that is true or not. And then he also wants me to be a real boy and do “masculine” things and stop doing “girly” things. Whenever I tell him I think some stereotype is wrong he always has the two same reasons – nature told humans to do this (I have never been able to understand this reason) and what people will say. Before coming out, I thought that I would be hugely relieved after coming out but now I instead wish I hadn’t come out. He also told me to never tell anybody but him that I am attracted to boys. He told me that gay boys don’t go through puberty like normal boys do. They don’t ever get facial hair and their voice never deepens which I know is not true. He also told me to not look up anything on the internet about this stuff. He said that he was also attracted to boys in middle school and high school and then wasn’t, which I think he said to make me believe that it’s just a phase thing. I don’t really think that he is homophobic because he did not say anything against gay people. And because I acted like I know nothing about sexuality he also tried to explain me what are the causes of same-sex attraction and he said that it can be CURED by giving anti-estrogen medicines to males and anti-testosterone medicines to females to a certain extent. How can someone be a doctor and say that?! There’s no way a pediatrician does not know about this stuff. One more thing I want to say to you is that I would love to have this letter published on the website if you can (I wouldn’t mind if you wouldn’t) because I feel like this is an issue that every LGBTQ+ person faces and I don’t care if my sister sees it because now I’m getting tired of hiding my true self from the world.

Hi Vedanova –

Every person is guaranteed a few things in life.   And one of them is to disappoint their parents or caregivers, maybe a little bit and maybe a lot.  

You are absolutely correct that your father knows that much of what he said to you isn’t true (I mean, we’ve all seen LOTS of gay men with beards!  Come ON!).  But it’s clear that he doesn’t want to believe you’re gay or bisexual, and that pain in him is real and shouldn’t be discounted by any of us.  Even if we strongly believe it’s misguided.

So I want to throw a crazy notion at you.  Maybe, on one count, he’s right.  Maybe your attraction to men will go away when you’re older.  I don’t know, and you don’t, and he doesn’t (and maybe he wasn’t lying completely about this “phase” of his life!).  Maybe you also won’t like your current favorite food, or your current favorite song.  I simply have no idea.

But here’s the deal about it – it doesn’t matter.

You like that food today, you like that song today, and you’re attracted to both men and women today.  What you’ll feel in ten years is pretty irrelevant.  For all we know, by that time you may have fallen madly in love and gotten married to someone you plan to be faithful to for the rest of your life.  Will it really matter whether you’re attracted to men or women or some body types or races or whatever then?  If you’re faithful, you’re faithful, and that’s all there will be to it.

I do have to say I’m a bit concerned about his idea of giving you medications to deal with this.  I don’t know enough to speak on the issue, but getting a drug to reduce any hormone in your system sounds questionable to me.  What side-effects would that have?  I don’t know.  But it sounds scary.  

As I so often say to teenagers about their sexuality, what matters to me is that you keep safe.  So if you’re finding yourself attracted to both men and women, but not getting sexually active with them, you’re of course totally fine.  Where I see a concern is if you start dating a boy and getting involved – then I imagine your father doing more than he is now.

Vedanova I don’t know your age, or how long you’re planning on staying at home.  If you’re nearing the time you’d move away, you might consider just holding off on pursuing any romantic relationships with boys till then.  And maybe, to avoid confusion and conflict, girls too.

But if we’re talking about years and years, that becomes a tougher issue.

But for now, again, I really want to emphasize that I’m impressed with you and proud of you for standing up for yourself.  While you’re not happy with the immediate results, I think you’ll be happy forever that you admitted who you are.

And that won’t be a phase!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 Should one share a gift with others?

Maya asks:

Hey Shirelle 
Are relationship gifts meant to be shared? 
For instance say I am in a relationship.  My boyfriend buys me something for our Anniversary, then I permit my sister wear it, or maybe she takes it without asking me, and I am like, very okay with sharing it. Tell me Shirelle, what are your tips when it comes to buying and giving out gifts, like are they meant to be shared with others?  Because I believe the significant other won’t feel good about it.  What do you think?

Hi Maya –

I love sharing, and I love even more when things are shared with me, like whatever Handsome is eating!

But of course, people take gifts very seriously, especially when a lot of thought and emotion has gone into them.  And even thought the gift is arguably “given,” some gifts are actually requests.  The easiest example of this is a wedding ring – if I give you one, and you accept it, you’re giving me yourself in marriage.  And I’d sure be bothered to see you re-gifting it to someone else!!  (Don’t worry, I’m not actually proposing to you; I’m fully committed to Handsome.  But hey you could do worse – Handsome tells me I’m quite a catch!)

On the other hand, if I gave you, say, a book, and you let your sister borrow it, that probably wouldn’t bother me at all.  And even if I had given you a wedding ring, I’d probably be honored to see your friends try it on and see how beautiful it was, and tell you how lucky you were to have me, “Oh Maya, you got the best dog EVER as a spouse!”

Now with your question, this is a tough one.  I’m sure your boyfriend would be bothered if you actually gave his gift to your sister.  That would seem very insulting.  But to let her borrow it – maybe he’s fine with that, I don’t know. 

I think the best thing would be for you to ask him what he thinks is best.  But – and here’s my main advice here – ask it in a very specific way.  Tell him how beautiful it is, and how much it means to you.  And then say that it’s so beautiful that your sister really wants to borrow it and wear it to something special.  But, while you want to make your sister happy, it’s more important to you that he be okay with it. 

Do you see what I’m doing here?  Instead of letting her wear it and making him feel unimportant, you’d be telling him just how important it is to you, how special.  Because that’s what matters most.

I have a funny story that deals with this.  When Handsome was a teenager, he was dating a girl whose parents didn’t trust him with her, and especially her father didn’t like him much at all – just because Handsome was dating his daughter.  For her birthday, Handsome baked a cake for the first time, and it came out pretty awful – one side rose but the other didn’t, some was fluffy some was almost liquid.  He tried to fix it by adding extra icing on the one side, and it didn’t work.  But of course it still tasted okay – it just looked lousy.  He brought it to her, with many apologies, and took her out for the evening.  And when they got back to her house… they found that her parents had eaten half of it!  Was he upset that his gift had gone to someone other than his beloved?  No way – he was thrilled!  Their eating the cake made him feel more accepted by them than he ever had before! 

So there’s no single answer.  Try my words with your boyfriend, and I imagine all will become clearer.

And if you think of it, send me a photo of what he gave you!  I’d love to see it!

Thanks,

Shirelle

4 Do Dogs Celebrate Holidays? – the importance of happiness

Every year around this time, I get asked if I celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Eid, or Diwali, or… and I always have the same answer:  I. Am. A. Dog.  I love watching you guys get excited about holidays, and I love any special food that celebrations might bring my way.  But I don’t have a religion, or a cultural heritage, that focuses me on any particular days.  That’s for you folks, and I support your choice to do or not do them fully.  Whatever makes you happy.

But this makes me think of something I heard someone say recently.  She was talking about how she tended to feel depressed a lot, and added, “I think I’m afraid to be happy.”  I thought that was a really profound and vulnerable thing to say, so I jumped up and licked her face till she turned red from giggling.  Which I guess made her at least a little happy, I hope.

But that line has stayed in my head ever since.  What a sad concept. And I wonder how common it is.

It’s totally normal for people to learn to protect themselves emotionally.  “Don’t get your hopes up” is a term I hear frequently.  And I can understand – if you let yourself get too optimistic about something that might not come true, the disappointment if it fails can hurt like blazes.

 But is that a reason to not let yourself get happy?

 Some people have a sort of supernatural belief, that says that if they’re too happy, some god or demon will get offended and make bad things happen to them.  I guess if you believe that, then, sure, happiness would be scary.

But do you?

And some people think it’s insulting to let yourself be happy when so many others in the world are suffering.

But do those suffering people really care about how you’re feeling right now?  Don’t they have other things to worry about?

Life isn’t perfect, and nobody’s happy all the time.  But when things are really good, I actually think it’s a sign of ingratitude, maybe even a sort of blasphemy, to not let yourself feel them all the way.  In fact, while I’m not in favor of repressing any emotion, wouldn’t it make more sense to hold yourself back from feeling sadness or anger or jealousy, instead of happiness, since those are a bit less convenient to the others around you?

But this leads to my real point:  Yes, I think you should let yourself be fully happy when things are great.  But why not also let yourself be mostly happy when things just aren’t bad?

 I was in the back seat of our car once, when Handsome stopped to talk with a parking lot attendant, who asked why he was so cheerful.  Handsome explained that that was because he was happy to see him.” 

“But you’re always so cheerful.  Every time I see you.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, you always seem happy.  How do you do that?  Life stinks!  It’s so stressful!”

And Handsome and I talked about that for the whole drive home.  That guy hit the nail on the head!  It’s not that life is always bad – it’s just always stressful.  And stress is just worrying about what might happen. 

So if you let yourself be happy when nothing bad is happening, then you’re likely to be happy about 99% of the time.  And yes, that 1% will still be bad.  Maybe horribly bad – wars and wildfires and floods and… yeah, pandemics! 

But the rest of the time, if nothing bad is happening, look out your window.  Birds are flying.  Trees are waving in the breeze.  Children are playing.  Dogs are joyously chasing animals with no hope of catching them.  A radio is playing fun music.  A couple is walking close together and one of them is nervously taking the other’s hand.  An airplane is flying passengers to somewhere they’ve never been, that they’ve wanted to see all their lives.  Worms are eating their way through the soil.  The sun is shining, even if you can’t see it.

And if you’re feeling low, so crummy that these lovely facts don’t help, then think about what’s funny out there.  A bird peed onto a lady’s hat.  A kid just told a joke that makes no sense to anyone.  A driver turned to look at someone sexy walking by and bumped into a tree.  And yes, a very serious gentleman is walking down a sidewalk, not seeing that a dog walked there before and took a stop to…

Or if even that doesn’t work, just think about someone you love.  Someone or something you’re just crazy about.  On my worst day, in all my misery, I can think about Handsome, and the fact that he exists, and I’m instantly a bit happier.  And I know that he does the same with me.  Lost his job?  Dumped by a girlfriend?  Stepped on a nail?  Yes, but Shirelle still exists, so there’s reason for joy!

But even that is more work than we dogs have to put in.  We don’t try at all.

And so you see, this is why dogs don’t have holidays.  Because we’re smarter than you in this one regard!  You need to have a day when you focus on family or gratitude or romance or remembrance.  But we celebrate every day.  Our smaller brains let us explode in awe at the sight of a sunrise, or the smell of morning dew, or the deep feel of the vibrations of the earth. 

And then we see you.  The people we love.  And we go even more crazed with joy.

So… scared to be happy?  I can’t even conceive of it – and that fact makes me even happier!

But for you guys, with your giant brains, I say: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Beautiful Solstice, and all the others. 

And most especially, with great optimism for these exciting vaccines…  HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you!  Oh I can’t wait to see what comes next!

4 Sniffing for Enthusiasm – keys to re-finding motivation

            Handsome doesn’t talk with me about his work very often, but lately he sure has.  You see, he’s a therapist who works with lots of young people, and usually his job is full of variety – this 5-year-old is going through her parents’ divorce, this 9-year-old is getting bullied, this 12-year-old is acting depressed while no one knows why, and this 16-year-old has been sneaking out at night and smoking cigarettes with the wrong friends. 

            But not now.  Today nearly every youth Handsome sees has the same issue: Motivation.

            Now sure, that’s nothing new.  Kids get bored, and teens get boreder.  Always have.  But – and you know very well what I’m getting to here – this Coronavirus year isn’t like anything that’s happened before.  Children who have the same instincts as puppies – to get out and play and tumble and grab and hug and punch and kiss and pull hair – are stuck alone inside, with just some electronic screens to entertain them.  And teens who, just as instinctually, crave to be out laughing and flirting and showing off in the best ways, are trapped, being told to just do the rest of their overlong homework.

            And both, instead of spending their school hours trying and competing for grades, or passing notes to their classmates with silly drawings of the teacher, are (if they’re lucky enough to be able to afford it) sitting in front of a boring computer, where their teacher is trying as hard as they can to keep their students awake and focused on some subject that…  well… if they found it all that interesting, they’d have been learning about it on their own, right?!

            NO one is enjoying this, NO one wants it to continue, but NO one has a solution just yet.  So EVERYone is annoyed, frustrated, bored, and ANYthing but motivated!

            And how does that show up?  Kids sending in blank homework assignments, good students falling behind because they can’t focus, or top-level students just turning their screens off and saying “This is a waste of my time and theirs.  I’m learning nothing.  I quit.”

            What’s anyone to do?!  Is there a solution? 

            Well sure.  A cure, a vaccine, a treatment good enough for everyone to dare getting into groups again – that’ll fix this beautifully.  But for now, what can students do?  Or teachers?  Or parents?

            Now… you know what I’m going to say, don’t you.  There is an answer:  Stop asking machines or humans, and study us dogs instead!

            In most ways, our brains are just simpler versions of people’s.  Yeah, we have better smelling, and more squirrel-focus, but our relationship to motivation is just like yours.  So what do we do when we’re stuck inside an apartment or a yard all day, or even a cage?  Or when we’ve had our joy beaten out of us by abuse or neglect?  Or when we’re just plain old lonely?  How do we get motivated?  And how can that apply to you?

            Here are a few suggestions:

1. Bribery Works!  No pooch was ever born wanting to sit or stay or heel on command.  And trainers have found that punishment isn’t half as effective a teaching method as reward.  Fill your pockets with good-smelling treats, and your pup will be happy to train for as long as you wish, constantly doing their best to please you.  So why not do the same with students?  A full school day earns a chocolate cupcake.  A good grade on a test earns a trip to the ice cream shop, and a great report card brings in that video game they’ve wanted for months.  Yes, over time you want them to feel motivation in themselves, but THIS ISN’T THE TIME FOR THAT!  (And for those of you too old to be bribed – nothing wrong with bribing yourself.  “Finish this paper, and I get to watch the big game with a beer!”)
2. Get Outdoors!  There’s a reason we pups go crazy when we see you pull out a leash – our instincts are dying to get us out away from our homes, exploring, sniffing, experiencing, and especially MOVING.  Don’t forget – until very recently, humans spent most of their time outdoors too.  We species share a deep connection to nature that replenishes and invigorates us all.  So get out there – take a walk, work in your garden, or just roll around in a park.  And please don’t tell me “But I’ll get dirty!”  That’s not dirt – that’s nature, that’s God, that’s history and beauty and meaning out there.  What you’re wearing is chemicals and dyes and plastics and stuff. Roll in something way better!
3. Try to Get Curious.  Stick a dog in a yard for eight hours while our family is away, and what do we do?  Do we stare at the wall, complaining we’re bored?  Nope, we sniff.  There’s nothing interesting to us yet, but we look around for it.  Our ears twist around like sails, we check out every corner, we find what different places feel like to lie down.  And almost every time, we find something interesting.  A lizard ran by here.  A bird is singing in a tree over there.  Someone spilled something really delicious all over this place.  And how does that apply to school?  Well, let’s say you’re studying history, and that’s never been your thing.  A bunch of kings and national boundaries.  Borrrring.  But what if you think of it like a gang war, with every leader trying to hold on to their turf while someone else on their side plots to take their place.  Or an intergalactic battle for planets that will be won by the side with the greatest new weaponry.  Or a group of sly crafty mean girls each plotting how to become the alpha of the group.  Suddenly this is interesting to you?  Then you’ve already succeeded.
4. Socialize!  Yeah I know what we’re after here is motivation to study harder and do more work.  But wasn’t that easier when everyone hung out together, even in classes and in between them?  Now, everyone’s feeling this gigantic hunger for community and contact, so bad it hurts in the heart!  And of course that’s getting in the way of your motivation.  So reach out – call a friend you haven’t spoken to in months (or years), set up a way to meet either virtually or safely in person, and tell dumb jokes, reminisce about good times, talk about crushes, ANYTHING.  And you’ll find it helps the rest of your life too.
5. Look Forward!  We dogs don’t have nearly the sense of time you humans do.  We live in the moment mostly.  But your sense of motivation has a lot to do with what’s coming up.  “I gotta study my French tonight because there’s a test tomorrow.”  “I need to get better at kicking before the game next week.”  “I have to get this dress cleaned and pressed before the dance!”  But now, since no one seems to know what’s coming up anytime soon, that whole part of your brilliant brains is sitting unused.  But it doesn’t have to.  Just think further into the future:  SOMEday you’ll be able to go to regular schools again, and you’ll want to have moved forward with the rest of your class.  SOMEday you’ll want to go to college or university or get a job, and how you did today in school will matter.  And SOMEday you’ll be sitting around with your friends and family, and talking about how crazy a time 2020 was.  These WILL happen.  So focus on them, as much as you can.  Motivation will build there.

So that’s what I’ve got for now.  If you have any other suggestions, please let me know and I’ll put them into the next newsletter.

But for now, just know, I have only one motivation for writing here, and it’s YOU.  You’re what matters to me, you’re my whole reason for writing at all. 

So thank you.  Without you, I’d only be able to walk around my yard, sniffing at the fence, hoping to find a little scent, somewhere, of squirrel!

0 What to do when your family beats you

Pennelope asks:

I belong to a family of 4 – my father, mother, elder brother and me. I study in another city for my college, but due to COVID-19, we were sent back to our homes. I have basically been a lazy girl who wouldn’t help her mom with her chores, due to which she used to be very mean to me. This time I decided it was my mistake and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. Therefore from day 1 onwards I helped her in everything from breakfast to dinner. It was going well, she wasn’t mean to me anymore, and we started getting close. But then, when my brother came to town, my mother started being mean again. She would taunt me, complain to my brother that don’t help her, and she would curse me, saying after my marriage my in-laws would commit suicide. So eventually I started talking back and refuting her. My father, who was there the whole time I was helping her, wouldn’t say a word. Eventually my brother concluded that I have a sore spot for my mom, and therefore I say things unnecessarily about her. When I tried to make him understand, he beat me A LOT, and eventually my father and mother both joined him in beating me. I started living fearfully, ignoring even the brutal-est thing they say to me but I have stopped caring for them. I don’t have any soft spot for them. Being my family, they did something so indecent and uncivilized. I could not have imagined that they would beat me. I know they are my family but it’s like I can never forget what happened and would never be able to forgive them for it.

Oh Pennelope!

I’m so sorry to get this letter.  It breaks my heart.

But the only way for me to respond to it is to split it into two parts.

First, about your mother saying you’re the way you used to be.  That is very normal – in fact I’d say I see it more often than not in families.  Someone was a poor student as a child, and now they’re a doctor, but their family still treats them as the “dumb lazy” one.  Or someone was a great student as a child, and has never done anything with it, just sits around watching TV all day, and their family still considers them the smart, successful one.

It’s annoying to everyone, and at times, as you’ve found, really hurtful.  My best suggestion in those cases is to confront your family members with the truth, “Look, I know I was this way in 1997, but I’ve changed and you’re not seeing it.  I’m successful and you should be feeling proud of me, not putting me down!”

But you are NOT in a normal situation.

Pennelope, I don’t know where you live or what your situation is financially or with extended family or anything, but I am not okay with ANYONE getting beaten by their family.  Even if you “deserved” it, though I’m not sure what that would even be.  Let me be clear on this – Handsome has never beaten me, and I’ve broken every rule he ever made, pooped on the rug, and even snapped at him a couple of times – beating is just simply NEVER okay!

So the questions I have for you are legal:  Does your family have the right under the law there to do such things?  Are you able to move out of that house and go to another relative’s or friend’s place? 

The things you say about whether or not you could ever forgive them – I don’t even care about that now.  That’s a choice to make later in life.  But right now, I JUST WANT YOU SAFE. 

And particularly, I want you safe from your brother.  Parents might feel they have the right to hit their children, and even though you’re older now, as I said above, they still might see you in that same way as before.  But what in the world is your brother doing hitting you?  Would he hit another woman your age?  Does he realize you could tell any woman he’s interested in about his doing this and that they would almost certainly leave him at once – and I’d be cheering them on?!  What kind of man is he, to beat his sister?

So again, my giant question to you – not an answer so much – is Is There A Way For You To Get Out Of There?  Whether through the law, or through someone helpful, or whatever.

Everything else is secondary. 

All my love,

Shirelle

6 Gratitude Anyway – sticking positive in negative’s face

Gratitude Anyway – sticking positive in negative’s face!

            I was getting depressed.

            All the people around me have been down or stressed or terrified for months.  And we dogs are big empaths (which means we feel what you guys are feeling), so I’ve been down too.

            But that was just from the stupid virus.  Now it’s worse – the continuation of the lockdown far past what anyone envisioned, the billions of people suffering from this around the world, the continuing death rate from the illness but also from accidents and murders from people’s stress and misery, all the fear going around…  it’s enough to make a tail unwaggable.

            But that’s not the way I choose to live.  So I decided to change my feelings.

            I can’t change what’s happening around me, of course, but I know that I’ll be more energetic, and more helpful, if I can also focus on good things, and feel grateful for them.  And there ARE still so many of them, despite everything.

            So I gave myself a task: Come up with 100 things I’m grateful for.  Grateful for right now, at this exact moment.  It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  And do you know what?  I felt better right away.

            So maybe you can try it too.  Stay upset, stay angry; we need that to beat this awfulness.  But also, appreciate what you’ve got that’s absolutely wonderful.  And struggle to think of it.  It is possible, I promise!

            Here’s mine:

Scientists are working for a vaccine.

Most people are behaving intelligently to slow the virus down.

The lockdown has been great for pet adoptions – many shelters have been emptied by people enjoying raising puppies and kittens in their time at home.

The lockdown has kept you guys home so much more, which we love.

Taylor Swift put out a new album that many say is her best ever (though I haven’t heard it yet)

I’m very hopeful about the upcoming US election, that new people will take charge who reduce the amount of poison in our air and water, and work to combat global climate change.

There’s Handsome.  Always there’s Handsome.

Pizza.

Trees.  I love trees so much – the shade, the squirrels, the place to squat or lift my leg…

Water.  Maybe there’s nothing more important out there.

YOU!  My pack, my readers, and every question I get from any of you!

Animal Rescuers.

The couch I’m not supposed to climb on but I do when Handsome’s not at home

Zoom, FaceTime, Doxy… imagine how much worse this lockdown would be if you guys didn’t have these!

Dogs Don’t Get COVID-19.  (at least so far)

Cheese.  All kinds.

Squirrels.  How boring life would be without them!

Naps.

Unlike you guys, we can bend around and lick and chew just about anywhere that hurts or itches or is dirty!

Walks.

My neighborhood – especially the dogs I get to see occasionally.

Buster Keaton’s movie Steamboat Bill, Jr.  Handsome had never seen it before, and it was glorious to sit in the room with him when he watched it in breathless awe last month.

Flowers.

The people who pick up our garbage and recycling and drive it away.

Leashes.  I know it sounds weird, but I’ve explained this before – they give me safety with some freedom.

Veterinarians.  I know that sounds weird too, but they’ve saved my life numerous times, whether I liked their methods or not.

Groomers…  well, really I don’t like doing that at all, but I do appreciate their being as nice as they can!

My house.  And all shelters.  For so many reasons.

My friend Dilla, who makes the funniest sounds and has a tongue that sticks out the side of his mouth.

My friend Aria, who melts my heart and teaches me new things all the time.

My friend Kuma, the best playmate I ever had.

Opera.  Of all the music Handsome plays in our home, this is the closest to what my heart is like.  Passionate, dramatic, and loud!

Grass.  To roll in, to run in, to sniff and pee on.

Memories.  Of lost friends, of great meals, of the best vacations.

Dog Parks!

Beaches!

Forests!

Beverly Cleary – the great children’s book author who always has done such a good job of helping her readers understand weird kids (and dogs!)

Trumpets.  I’ve always loved the sound of trumpets!  No matter how well or badly they’re played.

Bruno Mars.  Because if I could be a human, he’s the kind of human I’d want to be!

Dog Food.  Duh.

Treats.  Double-Duh.

Whatever it is in the human brain that makes so many of you want to befriend us, adopt us, care for us, play with us, fall in love with us. 

Speed Limits on cars!

And that there are NO SPEED LIMITS FOR RUNNING DOGS!

Ice Cream.  And because Handsome doesn’t like to eat too much dairy… all those fake ice creams!  Based in almonds, coconut, soy, cashews… all of them YUMMY! (the little bits he shares with me)

The shower in our house, which on hot days like today is the coolest place to lie down, with my back against the tile wall

My ability to run

My ability to jump

My ability to bark (even though it annoys people)

My ability to lick people’s faces

My ability to wag my tail!

The fact that, however smart he might be in other ways, Handsome’s love for me makes him too stupid to kick me out of the house for making noise and shedding hair all over the place.

The smell of chocolate (Handsome won’t let me eat it but… wow!)

Cool night air

Warm sunshine

Ear scratches

Head scratches

Nice soft stroking petting

Huge overwhelming hugs

Tummy rubs

And best of all, tummy KISSES!

Every moment someone I love comes to my home

The fun of barking at anyone I don’t know who walks by my home!

Governments and Charities who help their people devastated by this tough economy

Health care workers risking their lives to help people with this horrible virus

Scientists working to find treatments to help people with this horrible virus

Scientists working to find a vaccine for this horrible virus (I know I said that before, but isn’t it worth two counts?!)

Chew Toys

Bones

Tennis balls

Harnesses for us dogs that tie us to cars’ seatbelts so we’re safe in case of an accident

My doggy optimism that tells me things will get better eventually

The fact that even if people can’t get together as they used to right now, they can still laugh, cry, and dance.

Birds.

People who push to make this world a better place

People who risk their lives to keep this world safe for others

Dogs who do both

The feel of the ground when I lie on it

The smell of the ground when I lie on it

The sound of the earth when I lie on it

Other dogs’ butts!  Hey, just because you don’t appreciate them doesn’t mean I can’t!

The way some guys are so wildly attracted to women

The way some women are so wildly attracted to guys

The way some guys are so wildly attracted to guys

The way some women are so wildly attracted to women

The way we doggies are so wildly attracted to all you people!

The way so many of you people are so wildly attracted to us doggies!

The way (amusingly incomprehensible to me) so many of you people are so wildly attracted to nasty old kitty cats!

The stars in the sky at night

The clouds in the sky at daytime

Butterflies

The fact that history tells us no plague lasts forever

Firefighters

The new really amazing vegan meat substitutes that taste so much like the real things, but without anyone getting hurt!

Happy Couples

Good Marriages

Amicable Divorces

Did I mention how grateful I am for Handsome?

Did I mention how grateful I am for YOU?

And okay, #101 – a third shoutout to those scientists working so hard to get us to a new world where we don’t have to worry about this stupid virus anymore!!!!

So what do you think?  Can you do that too?

I know you can!

Shirelle

0 How to help a friend whose feelings you’ve hurt

indithelady asks: 

I’m having an argument with my best friend right now, and I’m extremely confused.

Here’s how it all started.  My friend S has a crush on a celebrity on Instagram, and because this celebrity hasn’t actually become super-famous, he answers to DMs and comments from his fans. S showed me his Instagram profile, and because she was my best friend I thought it would be fun to fangirl him together. I followed him and since then I’ve been trying to DM him just for fun. He actually replied to all of them which was exciting. I showed the conversations to S and she pretended to quarrel with me about “stealing her lover,” and had a good laugh – you know like best friends do. It was just supposed to be a joke and she knew that. Now here are some things you should know about S and me. We are two completely different people. I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert. but that was never a problem to me and she never mentioned that she had trouble with socializing. 4 days later the celebrity DM’ed me back a heart, and I sent a screenshot to Sara for a joke, as we’ve been doing for a while. Suddenly she cussed at me, which surprised me, but I thought it was part of the joke so just kept teasing her. The next morning when I woke up, she sent me a long paragraph about how I’m so clueless about everything, and she cussed at me a lot of times. I was upset and shocked but I still apologized because maybe I did do something wrong. She ignored me but I figured I would just give her some space. I couldn’t sleep until the next day so I checked her twitter, and she was tweeting and saying mean stuff about me. I was heartbroken because I don’t even understand why she’s so mad. 4 days ago we were having a good laugh and now she’s calling me names. I spent the whole day crying and trying to talk to her. I called her cell and she answered the first time, but when she realized it was me she hung up. I spam called her, because I felt the need to talk to her. I know I probably seemed rude and I’m sorry but I explained to her that we needed to talk. And I also wanted to know why she was saying all that stuff about me on Twitter, telling people another version of the story that made me seen like a bad person.  She’s bad mouthing me and other people are starting to look down on me, and I have no idea why she is doing this. I understand that she’s upset I kept DM’ing her celebrity crush but she was laughing with me. Why not just talk to me about how she felt instead of spreading nasty rumors about me. I get the feeling that she’s… kind of toxic. This is the biggest argument we’ve ever had because she’s blocked me on every social media and I have no way to reach her. It seems like she’s being irrational and its always me who has to apologize. She once said nasty things about me to my face, but I just ignored and forgave her. But now this small matter? and she’s blaming it all on me? I don’t understand. I want to fix this but I’m tired. I feel like she’s doing this on purpose just to lash out at me. What should I do?

Hi indithelady –

So I’ll admit, I would have been writing you back that I’m completely perplexed and have no idea what to do about this.  Except for one sentence in your letter: “I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert.”  And that makes me think I know what’s going on.

You and S have been friends in real life.  There’s something not-quite-real about being fangirls to some celeb on Instagram, but your relationship is still the same.  And my guess is that S has always been jealous, and felt inferior, to you because of your outgoing nature.  (I talk to people about this all the time, that when humans become adults, it really doesn’t matter anymore whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.  Lots of the most successful, admired, and desired people in the world are introverts!  But when you’re young, it matters, a lot.) 

I’m going to guess you’re in high school, where social popularity matters more than any other time in life.  So it was fun for her at first, when you joined with her in sending stuff to this guy.  But then, when he responded, and you were writing him when you weren’t with her, she felt betrayed, that you’d gone behind her back and, well, in a sense, stolen her boyfriend!

If I’m correct on this, you’ve done everything right so far, but she’s so hurt and upset that none of your message has gotten through.

But there is one thing you still can do, if you want.  Because this guy is so kind and interactive, while not too popular to hear you, I’m thinking you could write him and ask HIM to write her.  That you could explain just what happened, and how you’ve just been having fun for her sake, but she misinterpreted it all.  And ask if he can explain to her that there’s nothing between you, and that he just loves to play and flirt on Instagram, and, most importantly, that you, indithelady, were only doing this for her! 

Now maybe he wouldn’t be up for it; of course I have no idea.  But I sure know that if something like this happened with me (who also is friendly and interactive and not that big a celebrity!), I’d be honored to write her in a second and let her know what really matters (her real-life best friend) and what doesn’t so much (her virtual relationship with me).

Not to say I don’t matter, or that my relationships with my Pack members don’t matter!  Each one of you means loads to me!  But not as much as your relationships with your friends and family, or mine with mine.

Do you think it’s worth a shot?

Let me know!

Shirelle