Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to deal with an over-demanding parent

143chafern asks: I’m a competitive swimmer and I really love it. The thing is, my dad keeps pushing me – like, if I don’t swim well, he gets all moody. He expects me to perform well, and at the same time to do my studies also. I do manage my studies, and keep in good shape, but nothing is enough for my Dad! I feel so under pressure! I can’t be an Olympic swimmer and an A+ student at the same time! When I told that to my dad, he said there are many kids of my age who can, but… why can’t he understand I’m not them?!

Hi 143chafern –

This is not a new problem.  I don’t know who the first person was who cared about succeeding in a competitive world, but the first one of those who had a child began this problem.  And the problem has existed ever since.

There’s no easy answer.  You’d be miserable if your father didn’t notice or care, or take pride in your swimming prowess.  But this situation stinks too.  I have no doubt that your dad means well, and just wants to press you to do your best, but the fact is he’s pushing too hard.

I’ll be honest with you, 143chafern – I’m very encouraged by your insistence that you’re good enough without meeting his Continue reading

0 How can you make a girl happy?

doonn asks: How can I make my girl friend happy?

Hi doonn –

Okay, so here’s the bad news first.  You can’t.

The awful, annoying, heartbreaking truth is that you can’t make anyone happy.  If someone’s going to be miserable or angry or sad or depressed, you probably can’t change that.

However, you can try.  And that’s a great way to spend your life.  You can tell her jokes, you can buy her a nice dinner, you can send her flowers, you can compliment her, you can give her a shoulder-rub, you can kiss her on the earlobe… all of these are good, if they’re what she Continue reading

0 What’s so great about sex?

Prettyndsweet12 asks: What makes sex so fun that everybody wants to do it so much?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

Well, I guess I should start by correcting you – there are lots of people who don’t want to do it much at all, and most people only want it at certain times, with a certain person or people, and when they’re in a certain mood.  It’s nowhere near like me with barbecued spare ribs, which I want ALL the time!!!

Having said that, though, of course the fact is that, overall, people (and animals) do like doing Continue reading

0 How do you build trust for someone who’s done wrong things in their past?

princess23 asks: I saw that boy I like last week, and our mutual best friend told me that he said I looked really pretty, and she told me that every time he sees me he tells her the same thing. I used to see him like a crush, but now I think I’m really starting to like him. Sometimes I feel like I should tell him I’m starting to have feelings for him, but I’m scared that he’ll say he can’t be with me, cause he just got out of a relationship that was kinda complicated! I feel that I have to get over him and not show interest, but he can say all the right things at the right moment. I know that maybe he isn’t the guy for me (or maybe he is) but he has done things wrong in his past and I’m afraid he’ll do them to me. Is it normal to feel this way? I don’t know what to do, I’m super confused please help me!

Hi princess23 –

You’re right you’re super-confused.  You’re so confused you’ve got ME all confused now!

So if I have this straight, you like this boy and are getting to like him more; you know he’s at least very attracted to you, and willing to tell your friend about it; and the main reason you don’t want to approach him is that his last relationship was “kinda complicated” and he did some wrong things.

Is all that correct?

If so, what you’re really dealing with is two issues.  First, the usual shyness that comes with being attracted to someone.   For those, I have a bunch of posts on the AskShirelle website.  Just use the Search box and type in words like “shy, crush, like, love” and you’ll get a bunch.

But then we get to the “complicated” part.  Now when you say he did some wrong things, do you mean that he’s gotten in trouble at school, maybe got caught Continue reading

0 What to do when you feel abandoned by an older sibling

kittycat asks: My sister got a not so great job in London and she’s not coming for summer holidays, and I’m real sad. She knows I want her here. I am happy for her, but I’m angry at her and I’m feeling blue. Could you please tell me the right thing to do, and how to get a grip on myself. I’ve been crying my eyes out!!!

Hi kittycat –

So as I see it, what you’re really asking is:  How do I deal with the fact that my sister isn’t going to be here for me this summer?

You know, most of the letters I get about siblings are complaints – someone hates their baby brother, someone’s getting beaten up by their sister, the other kid tells on them, etc.  So while of course I see you’re in pain, I have to say, it’s kind of nice to see a letter from someone who wants and needs their sibling.

Life is change, kittycat.  We so often wish it weren’t.  Children want summer vacation to last forever, teens want a good date to last forever, young adults want their 20s to last forever, parents want their children to stay four forever, and after that, adults just want to keep their friends, family, and selves alive forever.  It’s what we want most, and it’s the thing we can never alter – change is a constant.  And your sister’s life is Continue reading

0 How to get a conversation going

sazuna45 asks: There is this guy I like. He’s kind of a friend and he is super friendly whenever he’s alone and I’m alone. So I want to talk to him but I really don’t know how to start a conversation. Please advise me! I can’t just say ‘hi’ cause then he’ll answer and walk away. Something that’ll keep a conversation longer?

Hi sazuna45 –

Your problem is a really common one.  You want to get a conversation going, but nothing you say gets that effect.  It’s like when I’m at the dog park, and I try to get the boy dogs to chase me, and they’ll notice me and run after me, but just for a second, and then walk over to something else.  How irritating!

The main trick I know for conversation is something called “Open-Ended Continue reading

0 How to deal with test anxiety

eiei asks: I am sure to fail chemistry in 1st Semester. I studied well but I can’t answer well. And the teacher will scold me and students will tease me. I know I must try in 2nd semester very much and I can pass 1st year and attend 2nd year. But I can’t face this moment. Results will be out soon, I’m sure I’m the only female with this problem, and everyone will notice who failed. I can’t sleep and eat from thinking about it. I know it’s crazy, but I’m feeling like I wish I were dead!

Hi eiei –

I really have two answers for you.  But the second is only if you actually do fail the test.  Can you promise me that, if you’re right and you fail (or even do really poorly), you’ll write me and let me know?  That way I can send you a letter about what to do in that situation.

But I’m not going to send you that letter yet.  And the reason is simple – I want you to STOP THINKING ABOUT FAILING!  Is it possible that the teacher grades “on the curve,” and your ending grade will be a bit higher than your scores so far would imply?  Is it possible that you’ll get points for effort, or that there are quizzes and things you haven’t taken into account?  Is it possible that Continue reading

0 How to convince your boyfriend you’re not lying to him

Shannon asks: My boyfriend won’t believe me – he thinks I am lying to him. Instead, he believes his ex girlfriend, who used to be my friend, but we have broken up our friendship. What should I do?

Hi Shannon –

So, of course, I don’t know what your boyfriend thinks you’re lying about.  Maybe his ex is saying you’re being mean to him, saying things behind his back, or even running around with other boys.  But regardless, it really comes down to one thing – closeness.

You see, she used to be the closest one to him.  And back then, he cared a ton about everything she did.  If she stood too closely to another boy, then that might bother him.  If she called him a name, that might bother him.  If she didn’t return a call from him quickly enough, that might bother him.

And now she’s out of that position, and you’re in it.  And more importantly, if she lies to him, it doesn’t mean that much, but if YOU lie to him, it means Continue reading

0 Should you trust a former enemy who wants to be your friend?

kittycat asks: My school enemy suddenly became my friend again. Now she’s tight with me and my BFF! Should I discuss it with my BFF or think it out thoroughly before I take more desperate measures? Is it normal, or are my BFF and I the bait to her master plan?!

Hi kittycat –

Oh I wish I were a psychic, instead of just a dog!  I am absolutely no good at all at knowing what people are thinking, especially people who I’m only being told about.  Is this former enemy nefariously planning to hurt you and your BFF, or is she truly liking you now?  I am clueless!

And of course the truth is – so are you.  And that’s really the important point here.  You don’t know. So your job is to make a decision based on Who You Want to Continue reading

0 How to find a website for 12-year-olds

zainacute asks: These days I feel so bored. Can you help me to find a website for 12-year-olds?

Hi zainacute –

Well, my friend, you are ON a website for 12-year-olds!  You’re just the right age for AskShirelle.com.  (Of course, so is just about everyone else who’s old enough to read it!).

There are just countless websites out there for young people.  The answer would be for you to look for what interests you.  If you like basketball, find sites about that.  If you like old Frankenstein movies, find sites about that.  If you like music, find sites about your favorite singers.

The only warning I want to put is that there are lots of sites out there that are not for Continue reading