Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: So more about that boy I wrote you about before. We had a college DJ night the other day. First day he was all good telling me I look hot and all. The second day I was drunk, he didn’t come to me. But when I stopped dancing and was standing in a corner he came to me and asked me what’s wrong, I said that one of my friends said I’m smelling, he told me is nothing and come dance (He doesn’t like girls drinking). The other day we were in a lounge for a friend’s party, I didn’t drink that time. When we were returning back, he wrapped around me in a cab. We had great time together when I was not drunk. Day before yesterday, he made me jealous by going to tea with another girl when we used to go together; he didn’t even call me. But yesterday, he was all dressed up in formals, asked me for tea and then for a walk. Which I did but still jealous and kinda upset. It’s like he takes all the attention at once and gives it back whenever he desires. The first thing, if he liked me why would he make me jealous and the second thing, if he didn’t like me why would he try to change me by asking me to stop my bad habits?

Hi Pennelope0214 –

Well, I’m up a tree too; I have no idea what he wants or doesn’t.

With one exception: it’s extremely clear this boy cares about you a lot. He doesn’t like drinking (at least you say he doesn’t like girls drinking; does he think it’s okay for boys but not girls? I hate these double-standards; it’s like when I get told all the time “This is people food, go eat what’s in your bowl.” I mean, I like what’s in the bowl, but why can’t I have chocolate pudding and onions and a chicken drumstick?! [Okay, I actually do know why I’m not allowed those, but it’s still REALLY frustrating!]).

I mentioned in my earlier answer to you that he might just feel a brother-sister thing with you, and this would fit that. But then he’s WAY more physically affectionate (SOMETIMES) than siblings would be. So what in the world are you supposed to do?!

I have to stick with my thoughts from before. That you should Continue reading

0 How to find a friend when you feel alienated

Arjai101 asks: It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s depressing as hell. I’ve just been really stressed lately with school. I don’t really like my mom’s boyfriend, which is really causing a huge rift with my mom and I. It’s like we’re perpetually at war or something. Or maybe, I’m just a terrible person because I probably just have a weird obsession with hurting people. I feel this immense pressure in general with work. I’ve got to start chipping in a bit with bills, nothing crazy, I just have to cut some of my spending habits, for a while. I mean, I’m fine I guess. Maybe it’s just that time of year, but I kind of just want to be in a relationship, or just to have someone genuinely there for me, romantic or not. I know it’s idealistic of me. But right now, all I need is someone who doesn’t mind if I go off the radar for a while when I’m busy, who’s available to hang out weekends, just blow off steam and stress with, and someone who doesn’t put me on some pedestal. Lately, I feel like everyone thinks I’m some super genius who can save the world or something, just because of some random accolades, that I guess are impressive and the fact that I’m 16 and go to university. It’s just this massive weight on my shoulders to keep it up, to somehow keep topping yourself. I really need someone who just sees me as a human being, not a list of accolades because I will never be able to always live up to that. I have my moments sure, but most of the time I’m overwhelmingly mediocre. I guess I’m just rambling off. But, I really need a friend or something. Someone I just really click with, who’s just available, when I am, and there aren’t complications and other stupid things, or mind games. I feel like a lot of my friends are either not actually my friends, or I just don’t have a great time with them because our personalities don’t mesh well. Anyhow, how do you even meet people? Like, I’m out in public and think maybe I should talk to this stranger. But, is that actually a wise thing to do? Or, where is it even okay to talk to strangers? And then, I’m just surrounded by people who are just older than me. And then, what do I even want from people? Have I actually been the diabolical crazy one the whole time? Just overthinking and coldly calculating things, and then going off the rails when things don’t go my way? Am I really the reason, that at the end of the day I still feel so lonely? Like maybe I’ve tried so hard to build this person, that no one even wants to go near it. Maybe, I need to take more risks. I feel like I make huge risks all of the time. But maybe not the right ones, maybe not the social ones. Maybe I should just do what I feel and forget the consequences. But then you have to look at the consequences every single day. I honestly just don’t want to take responsibility for anything. Like, what if I just approached that one person? But then, you will never truly know what they’re thinking, and then people talk, and things go wrong. At this point, I think I’m writing to you just to be writing about it. Like, I just feel like I don’t understand anything. And, I just feel so much right now. And, I’m so confused. And, I want so much. But unlike with school, I have no idea how to even go for it. I don’t think I really am all that good when reading people, especially when it pertains to me. I mean with other people, it’s easy as pie. But when it comes to me, I just don’t know what to think. The stakes just seem ridiculous. I don’t know. I don’t know. I literally just don’t know anything. And, I guess I’ll just leave it at that because I could go on forever and think myself into deeper holes.

Hi Arjai101 –

My dear friend (and yes I consider you a friend), there’s no way in the world you could have gone to college as young as you did and not find yourself in this exact situation.   Let’s say it simply – life is hard at age 16 for everyone, and everyone tends to feel alone and alienated, and you actually are different from everyone around you. Both because of your age, and because of your intelligence.

Think about it, human intelligence (and I suppose doggy intelligence too) exists on what they call a bell-curve, where most people are in the middle hump, and the rest get fewer and fewer as they get further from “normal.” I don’t know your IQ, but I’m going to guess it’s very high, maybe 140 or more? Well that means that you “fit in” just as much as people with IQs of 60 or less, which is considered mentally deficient! Imagine if I were at your school (four-legged, unable to speak) – I might be as much an outsider as you! And I’m a different species!

So am I saying there’s something wrong with what you are, or that you made the wrong choice? Not at all. But I am saying that your life is guaranteed to be difficult, because of your intelligence and your youth at school. You also might end up incredibly successful and famous for just these same reasons. But for now, it’s just lonely and tough.

I have other pieces on AskShirelle about how to make friends at school, but you’re in a special situation. I’ve suggested before that you look at student organizations, or activities, or joining some sort of cause. And I still think those would be the best bet for you to make some new friends. But if those aren’t working for you, I’d suggest you Continue reading

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: Hi so I have this guy who is really cute and perfect. I am not sure if he likes me too or not. There have been times when he has shown his care and gets upset when I do something wrong. Like today, I abused a guy and this guy got kinda upset and stopped talking to me. I tried too hard and apologized. After a lot of effort he finally accepted it. When we go for walk he wraps his arms around mine but leaves when someone comes. We always have lunch, dinner, breakfast altogether. Today when he was angry he didn’t even take his dinner. I don’t know what is on his mind, which I’d really like to know.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

So of course, I don’t know anything more than what you’ve told me, but I’ll say this – based on what I know, I like him too! I like that he got upset when you were mean to that other guy (It shows character, like when my human friend Handsome pulls me away and scolds me if I pick on an annoying puppy).

I also like that he shows affection to you, but then doesn’t show it off to others, as so many guys do.

But of course, then I don’t like that he actually leaves! And I’ll bet you don’t either!

So the fact that you eat pretty much all your meals together means he likes you a lot – at least as a friend. But then it’s clear that he’s not letting you know everything.

And here’s the bad news – I have no idea what else he’s feeling. He could feel “brotherly” to you, and enjoy holding you in that way, but be more interested in someone else. He could have very mixed feelings toward you and not know for sure what to do. Or he could be in love with you and frustrated that he doesn’t know how you feel!

So since I can’t read his mind, the only suggestion I can come up with is that you Continue reading

0 Can one be unfaithful to a crush?

AudreyKimberly146 asks: I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I’ve got a crush in the past, and now I’m interested in someone else. But that’s just my ‘official’ status. I’ve actually liked a few guys in the past, yet I only ‘acknowledge’ one as my actual crush. So my explanation may be weird, but please try your best to understand. My ‘system’ of crush is a bit of an odd one. When you play an online game, where you have to build a tower–as high as you can–you gotta start small am I right? Then it’s going to continue building until you mess up. But well, sometimes, new players who starts later than you, can rival you in terms of height, or even surpass you, right? Well, here’s the thing, my system is like that. First, I start liking someone (in the comparison to the tower game, this is when you start the game). I may not acknowledge him as my ‘crush’, but I acknowledge him as an ‘interesting person’. As it grows taller and taller, I eventually label this person as my ‘crush’. BUT. At the same time, another interest may start building as well! It’s not as tall as my crush, but I’m interested in him as well. But the ‘building process’ I am ‘supervising’ right now, isn’t my new interest. It’s my crush! So I won’t care about him. In some possible (rare) cases, he might catch up and I will have 2 crushes at the same time, but it only happened to me once and it dissolved quickly :/ Once I found out I liked 3 (ehem yes, three) boys at the same time, I pressed myself to pick just one. And I did. The other two ‘buildings’ just crumbled down. Well, continuing my story, the new guy may not be my ‘crush’ but I can’t deny I’m interested. But then, at one point, either it’s because of how the pressure of a taller building ‘kills’, I will lose my interest in that new guy. So that’s when he crumbled. But it can also be that the new guy’s building speed was so fast, it surpassed my crush’s height in no time! (Like my case this time.) And so, the crown ‘crush’ is taken by the new guy, and the status of my ‘old crush’ is ‘I moved on’ XD I like to consider this as me being faithful. I mean, geez, I WAS INTERESTED IN ANOTHER GUY YET I STAYED TRUE TO ONE XDXDXD But then, this can also mean that I’m just a cheap girl who falls in love easily. But again, this is just my crush! I never actually date anyone! And as much as I want you, Shirelle, to tell me “no! You are not cheap! You are faithful,” I decided to ask you to score me honestly. Maybe I’m in the middle? Maybe both characteristics are co-dominant? Please tell me!

Hi AudreyKimberly146 –

Okay, so you know how most dogs aren’t capable of mental capacities much beyond “Sit,” “Stay,” and “Heel,” right?  And I’m pretty proud of how clever I am.  But you’re asking a LOT here – WOW!  Handsome tells me you’re using metaphor and simile and all these other verbal gymnastics, and says it all actually does make sense… but he’s going to have to explain all this tower stuff to me before I can answer anything.  I’ll be back.

Okay.

Wow, okay, my head is spinning, but I think I’ve got it.  You’re talking about the process of attachment you get to a crush, right?  How at first it’s just a little interest, but after a while you get more and more attached to this person, and eventually you even feel a commitment to them, right?

And now you’re worried about whether you’re cheap or faithful?

Okay, AudreyKimberly146, so I have one very important thing to tell you about all this Continue reading

0 How to improve a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Prettyandsweet12 asks: For the longest time I’ve wanted to move back to a particular part of the country to be with my cousins. I recently graduated high school and moved there with my mom. At first I was having a hard time because I had no friends here, but I figured it would get better once I got settled in. But I’ve been here for 5 months now and things just stink! I currently take classes online and I occasionally see my family in a nearby state over the weekend, but recently some things have happened and I’m starting to question if moving here was the right thing. My cousins barely come around, and my dad is now married and I don’t even know who he is anymore. I just turned 18 and I had a party at a hotel with my two cousins and she tried to give us alcohol. I didn’t have any but my cousins did, and I don’t know if you remembered but you gave me advice a long time ago on how to deal with my medical condition called myoclonis dystonia, which I still have and am on medicine for, and my dad knows this, but he was still willing to let her give me alcohol; that crushed me, and I feel like he chose her over me because he always lets her run over him. I recently got in touch with my high school crush, who is two years younger than me, so he’s a sophomore in high school (I’m supposed to be a senior in high school but I skipped a grade). He really wants to be able to see me and I want the same; I feel like I need him now more than ever, but I’m faced with a complicated choice: do I leave my mom and find living arrangements where he lives so we can see each other, or do I stay with my mom and put on a happy face like I’ve been doing?

Hi prettyandsweet12 –

I need to confess, I’m more confused than you are, so I’m not sure how much good I can do here! First, one question – when you say “she tried to give us alcohol,” I’m going to guess that that’s your dad’s new wife, but am I right?

But then, my main confusion is – what are all these people doing?! You moved across the country to be closer to your mother, your father, and your cousins, and it sounds like you’re not getting much attention from any of them. Then, sure, the fact that you’re taking online classes means you’re not meeting nearly as many people as you would if you were in high school or college. So it sure makes sense to me that when your dad, who probably just thinks he was being friendly and playful, encouraged you to drink alcohol which isn’t good for your condition, this made you feel really hurt and mad – normally it would be just silly, but given the treatment you’ve been receiving, it would just seem to be the ultimate symbol of everything wrong!

We dogs are very patient, and are famous for giving unconditional love. But even that has its limits. There have been times when Handsome has ignored me too much, so I’ve done things like climb on the white furniture just so he’ll get mad, or he’ll pet one other dog too many and instead of my being nice and tolerant, I’ll just growl and threaten the pooch (I know, I should be doing it to Handsome instead, but I just can’t – my love for him makes me too weak!).

So as I said above, I don’t have any great answers. But I will say, moving to be near your high school boyfriend seems like an invitation for what happened before to happen again – for you to be ready to start a beautiful meaningful new life with someone who may or may not be capable of giving you what you need.

If you’re able to afford it, I’d be way more in favor of you taking a trip to meet him, maybe spend a weekend or so with him, and see how that goes. Maybe it’ll be great, and maybe not. But I’d like you to know a lot more before you make that big a commitment (and take the chance on another disappointment).

And in the meantime, how about doing what I do, and making a little obnoxious noise! For example: Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend lies, denying he was flirting with someone else.

raina1226 asks: My bf and I have been in a relationship for one month. I did a loyalty test on him: I asked my friend to flirt with him on a phone call. So she started the conversation; he also flirted with her and asked her for double-dating, friends with benefits. I heard everything and I decided to break up with him. Now he is asking for another chance, but he is not accepting that he was flirting. Now what should I do? I really want a serious kind of relationship, as my past is not very good. Please help me out.

Hi raina1226 –

Okay, I’ve got to be honest here – I am a huge flirt! I love running up to strangers and jumping on them, I love getting male dogs to chase me in the dog park or on the beach, and more than anything I love to flirt with my best human friend Handsome.

So I’m not going to criticize anyone for flirting. That would make me a hypocrite, and we dogs just never are hypocrites!

But I want you to notice my earlier sentence again: “I’ve got to be honest here.” I’m a flirt, but I’m also honest.

What your boyfriend did with your friend is creepy, there’s no question about it. But what I’m a lot more bothered by is that you say he’s “not accepting that he was flirting.” I think you were nice to only suggest that he was flirting; most people would say he was cheating, or at least trying to. But whatever you call it, what he’s doing now is LYING.

He got caught. Maybe he can say it was wrong of you to set him up the way you did, but he was still caught, regardless.

And again, what bothers me so much is that he’s lying about it.

So usually I am not so definite in what I tell my pack members, but in this case, I’m going to say: Dump Him. There’s a beautiful line a poet said a few years ago, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”

I don’t mind that he’s a flirt, and maybe even his attempt to cheat with your friend was just a dumb attempt at a thrill. But he’s shown you that he’s a liar.

So in this one case, I say… Believe him. And kick him out to the street. You deserve better, and there’s lots better out there.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re trapped in a bad marriage.

Ahana asks: I am 19 and I got married 6 months ago. My husband is my father’s childhood friend’s son. He (my husband) has loved me since I was 15. Later when I turned 18 he, with his family, came to my place to propose marriage. I directly said no as I’d never liked him. Later he tried a lot to convince me but I never said yes. After few months he tried committing suicide because I rejected him. So I had no other option than saying yes. After that we had our engagement. I thought I would get married only when I turn 20-21 but he was not ready to wait, as he thought that I could change my mind and not marry him. Later I did so many attempts to postpone my marriage, but I failed and he forced me to get married this year. I had no other option. Just after our marriage he tried getting physical with me but I didn’t allow him, so he started complaining to his mom about it, and she would explain to me that we should allow our husbands to do everything they want to do with our body. That was just too embarrassing. Then at last I allowed him. My husband owns a bungalow so we shifted from my in-laws’ house to his bungalow after a couple of months from our marriage . And now he will not let me wear my clothes all day, and has sex with me for hours and hours. His main motive behind this is that he wants me to become pregnant fast so that I can never leave him. Now I really want help – I don’t know what to do.

Hi Ahana –

I have so many thoughts about this. First, where I live in the United States, we tend to have the opposite problem from arranged marriages – so many of our young people fall in love with the excitement of youth, get married and/or have babies, and then realize they don’t know who they’re with and have nothing in common with them, and end up either unhappily together or in a miserable expensive divorce. So that can make arranged marriages (where society or parents pick someone really compatible as a life partner) look much better.

But then I read your letter and my heart just shatters. You see, Ahana, your situation sounds more like ours – my doggy friends. I was in a pound, and was one day from being put to death, when this human came and bought me. I had no idea how he’d treat me, though he seemed nice enough. Then over time, although we had some bad moments (maybe due to my chewing up a lot of things he valued, including his ankles!), the fact that we both wanted a great relationship won out over everything, and we’re absolutely crazy about each other now.

This isn’t your story.

Your husband says he’s loved you for years, but is showing no love at all, from what you tell me. What he’s showing instead is fear. Fear of you not wanting him, fear of you leaving, fear that the only thing that would keep you in the marriage is children. And just like some of my human friend’s girlfriends who were so afraid of being cheated on that they accused him of it all the time (to the point they eventually ruined the relationship; he was so unhappy being accused all the time that he’d leave), your husband’s fear is making what he fears come true! You are deeply unhappy in the relationship, and you do want a solution!

I have to say, I’m also sorry for him. It’s tough to believe you’re not attractive, and even more so when others kind of tell you you’re right. He married a woman who wasn’t attracted to him, and he only accomplished it by threatening to kill himself! What an awful view he must have of himself!

But of course, my primary sadness is for you. I am a very romantic pup, and have seen beautiful marriages (arranged and not) where both people devote themselves to the other’s happiness. And your marriage is not that. Your husband doesn’t seem to care if you’re happy or not. In fact, your marriage sounds like something closer to slavery!

Now I don’t know where you live. In some countries, what he’s doing would be illegal.

But even if that’s not the case, what I would really like would be for you two to Continue reading

2 How to celebrate Christmas when you’re out of money

RAMBO Asks: Christmas is here in Zambia. I don’t have presents to give to the kids. Tell me what can I do. Maybe you are able to help me make the kids happy, and other people here in Zambia.

Hi RAMBO –

I have to confess, I live half the world away from Zambia, and don’t know anything about where to shop or find toys and games there.

But as a dog, I am an expert on finding ways to make people happy, without the ability to buy or make much of anything. In fact, my human friend Handsome often tells me I am the Christmas spirit, all year round (at least to him).

So let me throw some thoughts at you.

First of all, remember that the Christmas story is about people so poor they had nothing but clothes and a donkey to ride on, who were so oppressed by their government that their unborn child’s life was in danger, and who weren’t even given a room at an inn when they were about to give birth, and so had to use a feeding trough for barn animals as their newborn baby’s crib. Yes, some kings and wise men showed up with some nice gifts for the infant (though what exactly he was supposed to do with frankincense, myrrh, or even gold is beyond me!), but these folks had nothing.

Nothing but love.

There are many great stories where the most precious Christmas gifts are the ones from the poor, from The Little Drummer Boy to The Gift of the Magi. The fact is, although advertisers and media will tell you that what kids need most is lots of expensive products, what matters far more is what they feel from you. This is why they love us dogs! We give them absolutely nothing to play with (I tried to give Handsome a dead squirrel once, but he showed no interest in playing with it at all; in fact, it kind of scared him when I dropped it at his feet!). But we give them attention and goofy, boundless love all the time.

Continue reading

0 How to meet new people at college

arjai101 asks: Being at this technical university is incredibly lonely. I’m not truly a part of high school, but I’m also not truly in college either. It’s incredibly isolating. I go hours on end without talking to other people. The only time I talk to people is when I go to the rock climbing gym on campus once a week. I almost always meet people there and have a great time talking and climbing and all, but I never see those people again. I feel weird asking for their contact information as everyone is so much older than me, and I’m only 16. It feels like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be because these people are actual adults, which I sometimes forget. I’ve met only one other student like me on campus, and he’s in one of my classes. At first, we talked quite a bit. But after the first week, we stopped talking altogether; we don’t even really sit next to each other anymore. I think maybe he just talked to me because at the beginning of the class I seemed really smart or whatever because I answered like one really hard question. And, everyone was all impressed. Everyone was sort of initiating conversation with me then because they thought maybe I would give them an advantage. But after that all died down, no one pays me the time of the day. Even when I wave at them outside of class, it’s kind of an awkward thing. Also, the other dual-enrollment student is only part-time and I’m full-time, and he’s a year older than me, so I guess that’s a barrier. But, it wouldn’t kill to at least pretend like we know each other. Anyhow…I’m not offended by any of it at all. I just feel incredibly lonely and isolated, that’s all. All in all, I’m still happier at Georgia Tech than I ever was at my high school. It just has its cons. Maybe if I lived on campus, I’d feel more a part of everything. Trying to stay positive because I know I made the right decision leaving my high school. I’m just trying to figure out how to meet other people.

Hi arjai101 –

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m so impressed with your journey! Do you have any idea how many 16-year-olds would have been too frightened to try what you’re doing?

So I’m in the tough place of, at the same time, saluting your bravery and acknowledging that what you’re going through is exactly what we could have guessed you’d go through. None of this is really a surprise – even to you.

Here’s what I think is the main issue. Every new student at the school feels just as new, nervous, and alone as you. Or at least they did when they first got there. Then each of them found whatever connections they could – maybe they made one or two friends in their dormitory hall and have stuck with them; maybe they joined a fraternity or sorority or some other social group; maybe they joined a group based on their interests (political, cultural, religious). But – and here’s the tough part – they then tend to get comfortable with those people. “I’ve done the hard part of reaching out to someone new, now I have my peeps, so it’s too difficult to keep doing that!”

And I might be wrong on this, but I’m going to guess that this is even more true at a technical university than at one full of people entering political science and theater and other, more social, subjects.

So in other words, I’m agreeing with you. You still made the right choice, but your not living on campus, and perhaps your age (not that you’re too immature, but some of them might feel “oh she wouldn’t find the things I like interesting; she’s too young” or maybe even “she’s too brilliant to find me interesting!”), get in the way of people getting to know you.

So my best suggestion – really my only one for right now – is to Continue reading

0 When a relationship moves to being all about control

zakia asks: We’ve been in a relationship two years, but in the last two months everything has changed. Before he used to show his feeling to me; he used to show how much important am in his life, and that attraction. But now he seems busy at work. We chat all day, but he just wants to know what am up to, what am doing, that’s all. He doesn’t let me go anywhere, or he’ll get angry. He doesn’t like me to talk to male friends or persons. That attraction is gone. That magical love is gone. I don’t know what to do.

Hi zakia –

I really have two responses to you, because I think there are two really different issues in your question.

First, your relationship is losing its spark. This is very normal after a couple has been together for a while, and two years feels about right. This is the time when couples need to find ways to re-ignite that excitement. Plan some fun new activities, go on a date to somewhere you’ve never been before, even pretend to be different people – just have fun! And create a bit of interest by not spending so much time halfway together – like being on the phone with each other all day. Let yourselves miss each other during the day – maybe only sending the occasional affectionate text – and then have a lot more to say to each other when you meet face-to-face.

Think about what we dogs are like. If we spend all day with our humans, we just sleep next to them, happy to have them there but not excited at all. But if our people leave us home for a day, and then come home, we go nuts! Jumping, screaming, yowling, and licking them like crazy! So I’d suggest you try to bring a bit of that back into the relationship.

But then there’s the other part of my answer. When you talk about him not wanting you to go anywhere, or to talk to any men or boys. I don’t like that at all. You’re not a dog – it’s not cool to lock you into an apartment or a gated yard! You need to have some freedom – time to hang out with your girlfriends or go to a movie, and (while I know different cultures have different rules on how much men and women can be together) there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to talk to another man.

And here’s the crazy part – treating you that way is accomplishing exactly what he doesn’t want to do. He wants you all to himself, but doing this is making you not want to be with him, and not feel romantically towards him. So it’s not only mean to you, it’s really self-defeating for him!

So my suggestion is that you Continue reading