Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to deal with a boyfriend or girlfriend who demands more of your time

Nsom asks: I love this girl from the past 2 years. And I know she feels the same because she has told me multiple times. But she wants some time to get into a relationship. But she always moves away and I don’t get the same attention from her until I try and spend as much time as possible, even with me busy with my hectic work schedule. I feel insecure now. How can I get her to give the same attention back to me once again? Or what can I do to improve the relationship I have with her?

Hi Nsom –

So if I understand this right, she’s saying that she loves you, but she wants to move slowly in your relationship, and she insists on your full attention before she’ll spend time with you.

I think maybe she’s kind of perfect! 

No one really likes getting half of anyone’s attention, until a relationship is so comfortable that it’s nice to just hang out doing different things (like I love it when Handsome sits in the yard with me reading while I sniff around for squirrels – but we have a very  comfortable, committed relationship).  And I find so many young women struggle with owning their right to demand this – and she’s sounding really healthily together on this!

So if I’m understanding everything rightly, she’s telling you how to get more attention from her, which is to make time in your busy schedule to give her your full attention.  And if that’s two hours a week, then maybe that’s all you can get right now.  But she loves you and is willing to take time on this, so I think you’re in good shape.

And if this leaves you super-frustrated, and you want more time with her… then you and she are in exactly the same place!  And whether you can put a little less time into your work, or pass up on some other things in your life… I think she’s saying that’s the key!

Congratulation, and best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do with a boyfriend or girlfriend who demands everything be on their terms

Zynella asks: I’m in this relationship and don’t know whether to leave or try more. I feel I don’t get the total care and attention I need. He acts really insecure all the time. Really weird whenever he sees me relating with other male folks. He says he loves me but I really doubt that sometimes. He wants us to remain low-key for now and not trumpet the relationship, and I don’t feel comfortable about that. He’s not introduced me to anyone close to him yet though we’re just a year and some months. He doesn’t like calling, only prefers to chat, and I’m just the other way round. He can be really possessive and authoritative sometimes. He got his heart broken by a lady who left him for someone else and he feels I’m also going to do same whenever I say I’m tired. And what I’m tired of is his behaviors, sometimes to the point of not loving him. I find it difficult to get emotionally attached to people and when I do is always hard to let go. Now I’m on a crossroads of letting go or still hanging on a little more – I don’t know. I still love him very much but this is torture. He’s not violent in anyway and can be very romantic sometimes. Please what do I do?

Hi Zynella –

You bring up a lot of issues, and each is worth discussing, but I’m mostly struck by one feeling as I read your letter.  Which is that this is a guy who demands that everything be on his terms, 100% of the time. 

Now I know there can be something very attractive about people like that.  You always know what they want, they tend to be very interesting…  but relationships with them can also be ones where you lose yourself! 

In a funny way, it’s not unlike my life with my human friend Handsome.  He gives me a yard I can play in, but he’s really the one who determines when we meet and what we do – whether going to the dog park or the beach or the veterinarian’s office! 

But you’re a human.  And you deserve to have more say in things. 

So what I’d really like is for you to do is to

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend leaves you for an arranged marriage

Pallabi asks: I want to ask you about my relationship. Formerly we were good, but his family fixed his marriage to a girl. After one year he will be married to her, because he can’t go against his family. I love him. What should I do now?

Hi Pallabi –

         I’m awfully sorry you’re in this tough position – a position I see a lot these days.  The concept of Arranged Marriage works much better when both members don’t date other people beforehand, and a society based in dating works better when the young people get to choose who they want to stay with. 

         The mix of having people date, get attached, maybe even fall in love – and then get sent off to marry whoever their parents say… doesn’t really seem to work!

         Now one thing I’m not grasping from your letter is just how your beloved feels.  I know he wants to be obedient to his parents, but is that all he’s feeling, or would he rather be with you than his chosen bride?  If so, then maybe you can talk him into talking with his parents, and selling them on the idea of you instead of her. 

         But if not, if he’s really okay with the way things are, then I’m very sorry to say that I think you just need to let him go.  I know it’s heartbreaking – you’ll feel the way I felt in the pound when people I’d hope would take me home chose to take another dog instead.

         But there’s a good side to this too.  You see, he will be stuck with whoever his parents chose (who might be a perfectly wonderful woman, of course).  But you get to go back into the dating world, and find someone YOU choose, and who will choose YOU! 

         So right now, you feel rejected, and I sure understand that.  But a year from now, when they’re squabbling and wishing they hadn’t agreed to this, and you’re off having fun with guys you really like…

         I think it’s going to be this guy envying you instead!

         But I’m not pretending it’s not tough now.  So be strong.  And if there’s a chance of getting him to come through for you, take it.  But if not…  just know, it’s going to be better than okay.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 How to get back together with someone you’ve rejected (for good reasons)

Tebby asks: I broke up with my boyfriend 4 days ago, and the same day he called me several times and I hung up all his calls. Now I’m missing him a lot, and since then he’s never called again or checked up on me. I don’t know what to do, because I get tempted to call him, but deeply I just feel that if I do, he’ll never realize his mistakes and come back to fix anything; instead he will just become worse and take advantage. At times I even ask myself if he does miss me too, but why doesn’t he call – or maybe he just doesn’t care? I’m scared to make the first contact, because I don’t know what I’m expecting from him after that breakup. What should I do – because I need his attention?

Hi Tebby –

One of the toughest parts of growing up – for us dogs as well as you humans – is mastering empathy.  Sometimes we’re too ‘nice,’ and all we do is what someone else wants.  And that’s no way to live.  Then other times we’re so caught up in our own views and struggles that we forget to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes (or paws) and try to understand their feelings.

One time that’s almost guaranteed for one, or both, of these to happen is during a breakup.  I get lots of letters from people who are so obsessed with understanding the person who’s cheated on them, hit them, insulted them, that they haven’t taken a moment to sit back and say “Who cares how they feel?  I hate being treated like this and I’m walking away!”

And then I get ones like yours, where you’re kind and loving, but completely missing the piece of understanding him.

You. Hung. Up. On. Him. Many. Times. After. Breaking. Up. With. Him.

He tried, over and over, and you hung up on him every time. 

I think that’s the answer to every question you have.  How does he feel?  Why is he avoiding you?  And most importantly – what would be best for you to do now?

He’s hurt.  Very.  He’s been shamed and shut off.  And if you want to talk with him, the ONLY way is for you to reach out to him.  Apologize for all those hangings-up, and tell him you want to talk.

Again, that’s not a suggestion on my part – I’m saying it’s the ONLY way you’re going to get anything out of him.  He probably would love to talk with you, but he’s scared to call.  I would be too!  (If I bring a chew toy to a person and they refuse it, I’ll bring them something else, like a tennis ball.  But if I bring toy after toy, and they angrily refuse me every time, I’ll stop bringing them toys!

Now there’s one part of your letter I don’t understand, though.  You say you’re worried that, if you call, he won’t realize his mistakes or change.  Now I don’t know what his mistakes were, but I do know this – he’s already changed!  He’s changed by losing his girlfriend, and believing she doesn’t want to talk with him!

So the tennis ball (or chew toy) is in your court.  But I think you’ve got a good chance of working this out.  If you can call him and re-open the conversation, while making it clear that there were things you can’t accept from him in the future, this could work out.

But you’ll have to take charge.  You’ll have to set the agenda.

In fact, isn’t that exactly what you want to do, what you broke up with him about?  Your need for more of a say in this relationship?

So go for it!  I’m behind you, my tail wagging in excitement!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is going through awful times and pushes you away

snowball18 asks: My boyfriend lost his sister 5 months back, his grandfather is in a hospital, his mother is depressed, and his parents might be having a divorce. I tried to support him all I could but he is letting out all his anger and frustration on me. I tried to be calm and even said sorry for mistakes that were not mine. I was crying in front of him because he had downloaded Tinder, and he tried to console me saying he just wanted to see what it was about, but I couldn’t stop crying and he got angry and was about to leave, leaving me alone but came back and consoled me. He has been sending some pretty inappropriate posts to my friends, and when I asked about it, he said he was just casually flirting and I should trust him. I did, but today I couldn’t handle it and behaved a bit cold, told him I don’t want to talk, and he got angry and blocked me. His behaviour has been fluctuating a lot – he is all loving one minute, and I say something or disagree on something, and he gets angry and doesn’t talk with me, but just ignores me. I get it, he is in lots of problems, but how do I support him if he acts like this? What should I do?

Hi snowball18 –

I am so sorry you’re going through this.  And I’m not surprised at all.

It’s very normal for people – and dogs – to act really awful when we’re experiencing something completely nuts.  In fact, I’d argue your boyfriend is actually going insane – in a way.

We all hate it when sad things happen to us.  But usually they’re things that fit into the way we see the world.  A person who drives on a fast freeway every day is in an accident that smashes up their car.  Someone loses a beloved grandparent who’s been battling an illness for years.  I think I’m going to get that last piece of pizza, and Handsome eats it without even looking at me.

But when bigger things happen, or (as in your boyfriend’s case) too many things happen at once, it does a lot more than make us sad.  Our brains actually have to reconfigure – our whole world changes, and we have to adjust to it.  We see this a lot with victims of war or terrorism, where their world literally has been blown up.  But it can come from other directions too – a spouse suddenly leaving their family, an unexpected death (especially of someone young and healthy).  A lot of people in my country went through this three years ago when everyone “knew” one person was going to win the Presidency, and another one did – one who most people were against, and tens of millions found repugnant.  Everyone had experienced elections being won by someone they didn’t like before, but not with such a shock. 

And your boyfriend has gone through – and is still going through – a series of those shocks.

So what’s going on in his brain?  Well, part of it, I’m sure, is about you.  I’ll bet he’s afraid to love you too much, as he’s experienced the shock and devastation of losing people he’s loved so dearly.  I’m sure he craves your caring, and resents that he does.  I’m sure he wants to feel free and unattached (which would explain the Tinder download), imagining that’ll feel like a break from all his misery.  And at the same time, I imagine he’s terrified of losing you, who’ve been so wonderful through all this.

Sounds pretty insane, doesn’t it?

So what should you do?

The first thing I want is for you to

0 Is it a problem if your husband or wife flirts with others?

Rick asks: My wife has a male friend who she texts the same pictures she does me (not nude). They chat about how her day was, financial problems etc. She told me he had made a pass at her before we got married, but she says he’s not her type. Can she really see him as a friend or am I missing something?

Hi Rick –

Of course, I’m just a dog.  I’m not psychic or a mind-reader, so I can’t tell you what’s going on in her (or her friend’s) brain. 

But from what you tell me, I can make a guess. 

First of all, I doubt she’s cheating on you.  Cheaters usually hide things from their spouses, and she’s being very open about this.  So, to answer your question, yes I think she sees him as a friend.

But then there’s that second point, him.  What I don’t know is how he’s feeling.  You see, I know lots of married people who have great friends who they could  be having affairs with but aren’t.  My human friend Handsome has a number of married female friends, and he’d never consider doing anything to mess with their marriages, even if one of them came on to him.  He values them too much.

But it’s that thing about her sending photos to him that concerns me.  It’s very normal for a person who’s fully committed to their spouse, to still enjoy the attention and attraction they get from someone else.  And is her sending those photos to this man (who’s made it clear he’s attracted to her, and whom she rebuffed as “not her type”) a way of keeping his interest.  Innocently, but still wanting it?

And if so, might he get the wrong idea, and make another pass?  Or, if not, might his feelings actually be a bit hurt, that she’s flirting with him when they both know it can’t go anywhere? 

Or does he like the fact that this woman he’s attracted to, who is happily married to someone else, still flirts with him, making him feel relevant and attractive?

You see, I don’t know the answer to these.  Again, I think you’re fine, and there’s nothing big to be concerned about.  But are there small things that might evolve into bigger issues someday?  Maybe.

Anyway, that’s the best this pup can do!  (And by the way, I’m completely devoted to my human, but I still flirt with EVERYBODY!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you and your boyfriend or girlfriend think in different ways

Ray asks: My bf and me don’t think in the same way, which causes a lot of fights. What do we do?

Hi Ray –

Your issue is so common – people think others should think the same way they do, and get frustrated, and even angry, when they don’t.

But here’s the funny part about that – people don’t think the same way as each other, and they never have, and both you and your boyfriend have actually known that since you were about two years old!  One kid didn’t like dolls while another didn’t like sports.  Mommy and Daddy didn’t like to splash in mud the say you and your dog did. 

Then you got older, and found that some kids liked watching Toy Story over and over, while others didn’t even like it the first time.  And later, half your class just loved every word of Pride and Prejudice, while the others couldn’t stay awake through a single chapter.  And then don’t even get me started on religion and politics!

So why in the world would a couple think each other would think the other would think the same as they? 

Simple, because you

0 Should you stay with long-distance romance or a new one?

Someon asks: I have been dating a boy for a year. It’s a long-distance relationship. 3 to 4 months ago we had a separation regarding some issues which was for a period of a month. Within that very month I got attached to someone else (Mr. X). We have been seeing each other. This too was a long-distance relationship. He came over to meet me. We hanged out together and even we made love. After one year of separation my boyfriend returned and I was happy to get him back. The fact is Mr. X knows about my relationship. Now I have started feeling for Mr. X and don’t wanna lose him – and neither do I want to hurt my boyfriend. What should I exactly do now?

Hi Someon –

As I’ve said on here a lot, we dogs don’t quite understand long-distance relationships, and certainly don’t like them.  And your case is a perfect example of why. 

From what I see in your letter, your boyfriend (the one you’ve been with for a year) is a perfectly good guy, and probably nothing was wrong with the relationship except the distance.  Then you met Mr. X, who is also a good guy and you grew to really like him.  Then your boyfriend came back to town, but you’re feeling more for Mr. X.

Well, why wouldn’t you?!

I love my human friend Handsome, but if he left town for a year, and I got close to another human, I’d never lose my love for Handsome but I’d grow more attached to the new one.  It’s just the way our brains work – both humans and dogs!

Now if you were married to your boyfriend, or had had a very long relationship with him, I might be saying something different.  But as it is, I think you really don’t have a choice – it sounds to me like you need to

0 How to choose between a long-distance relationship and a new person

LK asks: I have a boyfriend and we just turned 5 months. It’s a long-distance relationship and we’ve never met. We are planning on meeting this holiday. We rarely talk during the school term because he has his phone taken away. Problem is I think I have started catching feelings for another guy who I talk to everyday. He likes me too. What should I do (N.B I am 16 years old)?? I am really confused.

Hi LK –

This is an issue we dogs have a lot of trouble grasping.  Now as you probably know, I have a human I love more than anything, who I call Handsome.  Sometimes, Handsome will leave me for a while – like over a week! – and I’ll stay with a friend.  So of course I don’t forget Handsome, I dream of him every night, but nothing keeps me from jumping on that friend, licking their face like crazy, and cuddling up to them at night.  It’s not that I’m not attached to Handsome; it’s just that he’s not there!  (And of course, if he didn’t want me to cuddle up to his friends, he wouldn’t leave me with them!)

So we pups have two problems understanding situations like yours.  Firstly, our brains can’t even comprehend having a committed “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship with someone we’ve never even sniffed.  And secondly, we have trouble understanding why it would be bad for you to hang out with someone else who is close by.

I’m not saying you’re wrong; just that it’s hard for us to understand!

So with this long-distance guy, you’ve been a couple of sorts for five months?  And he hasn’t even been able to communicate on phone for a while?  Well it sure makes sense to me that you’d have gotten more interested in someone else, someone you’ve been able to talk with.

In fact, it’s hard for me to think your boyfriend wouldn’t understand if you chose the other guy over him, just because of the distance and lack of communication.

But if you’re not sure what you want, then I’d say to hold off.  Keep talking to this one boy, but don’t do anything you might regret until you have actually met the boyfriend. 

And then, I want you to do something very hard:

0 What to do when you’re stuck in an uninspiring job

Mayumii asks: I am 23 years old and currently employed in an insurance company, but still not stable on my career. I’m still looking for a job that where I think I’ll belong. Honestly, I still don’t know what are the things that I can do. I don’t know what is my strength, I am 3 years graduated yet I am not able to help my family on their needs. Sometimes I think of myself as very useless. I decided to live alone to be independent, but I am always asking my parents for assistance because of lack of money. All I want is just to have a stable job, but I don’t know what are the things that I can do. Sometimes I can’t understand myself.

Hi Mayumii –

I know this is going to sound odd, but your situation is extremely common.  In fact, I think most people who have lives where they get to choose careers (as opposed to, for example, people who grew up on farms, always knowing they’d work there, or people with governments who choose their jobs for them) don’t know by age 23 what they really want to do.

Or rather, they might know what they’d love to do, but have no way of achieving that right away.  Let’s say you wanted to make a living as a filmmaker.  Great!  Well, you’ve finished your university studies, and you can start making short films for YouTube, or to enter into film festivals, and writing screenplays… and none of those activities brings in any money at all.  Now if you keep doing it, you might find some success, and eventually become the next JJ Abrams.  But right now, you’re just in the struggle.

And what if you don’t even have that clear an idea of what you want?  What if you studied business, and you know you’d like to work in that area, but the place you work isn’t very inspiring, and you’re not sure what would be?

Okay.  Again, this is SOOOOO normal!

And there’s one solution: