Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to get your friend to open up about their feelings

inditan asks: I want to ask you about friendships. I have a lot of friends at school (I don’t mean to brag, sorry!), and my social life is pretty much awesome. I have a few best friends that are really close to me. One of them is a girl named S. The problem between us is that she doesn’t talk about her problems often. She’s my only best friend whom I share all my secrets with, she shares hers as well but she doesn’t share her problems with me. And I’m worried that maybe she doesn’t trust me, or maybe it was because something I said to her. I don’t want her to feel alone when dealing with her problems. She’s had anorexia a few years back and that was a serious issue she hasn’t let go of yet. I’m really worried about her Shirelle. what should I do?

Hi inditan –

Okay, there are two issues here.  And I want to get the first one out of the way first.

I am no expert on eating disorders.  As a dog, I’m always looking for food; but because I’m so active, I’ve never had a weight problem.  I frankly don’t even understand them – why would someone starve themselves, or throw up what they’ve eaten? It doesn’t make sense for a pooch.  But I know these disorders exist.  And I urge you, if you are really concerned for your friend, to get her to see a doctor RIGHT away.  Anorexia is unhealthy for anyone, but it can be permanently disabling, or even fatal, if it develops too far.  So please please please, be a great friend and get her okay… if she’s actually suffering from this right now.

All right, second issue.  I see this problem every day!  My human Handsome is a psychotherapist, so he meets with people for his work, and they talk about problems – always their problems.  Never his!  And sometimes, they actually get frustrated about it.  Even though they’re paying him to deal with their problems and not his!

So your frustration at your friend not opening up to you, especially when you’re concerned that she’s keeping a secret that could hurt her, sure makes sense.

And the only suggestion I can make is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in an affair and want the person to marry you

Akol asks: I have been with a married man who failed to have kids with his first wife. I then gave him three kids. But I want to get married and he does not stay with me, he stays with his wife. Now I am pregnant. I don’t know whether he is my man or not. I truly want to get married. The lady knows that I exist. But the bitter truth is though he says he does love me, I struggle alone. He does not support the children and me in the way he is supposed to, or fulfil his promises. I had forgotten him for a full year and moved on, till he came back again and promised to change and pay fees for the children, which he gave a half – till now. I think I need to be bold and stand on my word. Telling him that I need also to get married, and not to be a concubine.

Hi Akol –

In the book that Handsome wrote about me, he tells about a relationship he was in, where he was the “other man,” and how it put him through absolute torment.  As much as a human might like to believe they’re independent and don’t need validation from others, the fact is you guys do.  And unless you’re someone who enjoys having affairs as a hobby, you’re just bound to care about that person, and want to be as important to them as they are to you.  And as long as they’re involved with, or married to, someone else, you simply won’t be.  And that’s just awful.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.  But I really don’t know what to suggest.  If this were a newer thing, I could say “Leave him and change your number, and start your life over again.”  But you have three children, and are about to have a fourth.  So everything is complicated and difficult.

But no question, this guy is not treating you right.  And I imagine his wife doesn’t feel all that great about him either!

So I have two questions.  First, are you suuuuuuuure you want to be the next Mrs. Him?  His record of faithfulness isn’t too great, and it doesn’t seem he treats either of you women with all that much respect.  Now it is possible he’d treat you differently if you were married, and things could get much better, but I’d sure think about it before you demand it.

And my second is, what’s your “or else?”  I’m all for you being bold and standing on your word, and demanding to not be a concubine!  But if he says “no,” or “not yet,” or “I have to think about it,” what would your response be?  You could Continue reading

0 How to help a friend going through a painful time

Danish asks: The grandmother of this girl I really like is in very critical condition in a hospital, so we can’t talk properly. I feel very bad for her and want to give her my emotional support. Can u please tell me what can I talk with her about, in this time when her family is in trouble?

Hi Danish –

I’m awfully sorry about her grandmother.  I hope she’s not suffering.

This is a very tough situation – for her of course, but also for you.  The fact is there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.  It’s just about what she needs at any particular time.

When my human friend Handsome was in his first year in college, a girl he was very close to found out that her long-distance boyfriend was breaking up with her.  She was devastated.  And she would, a few times a day, come to Handsome and cry on him.  But she also needed breaks from that.  So she’d go to another guy friend of hers, who didn’t have the emotional strength to handle her tears, and talk with him about anything but her romantic pain.  Between the two guys, she got what she needed, and was able to move on with her life after a couple of pained weeks.

Which guy was right? Which was what she needed?  Both!  But at different times.

So this girl is going through this tough time – scared, confused, and may be in grief soon.  What can you do?  Well, I’d say you can do the one thing both those boys did all those years ago:  BE THERE for her.  Do your best to see what she needs.  If it’s to cry and talk about her grandmother, then be there for that.  If it’s to get away and see a funny movie and think about anything else, then that’s a great thing to do with her too.

The two keys are, first, to be available.  But second, to be aware.  See what she needs.  Ask, if you have to ask, but it’s better if you can just tell.

We dogs are great at that.  I’ll be around a person who’s feeling sad, and just feel their pain, and walk over and lay my head in their lap.  You can’t quite do that with her, but you sure can give her the same message:  I CARE.

That’s what she needs to know most right now.  And the best gift you can give her.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to keep a relationship working when living together

Lila asks: It’s been only two and a half months and he’s asking me to move in with him. We spent the whole summer together, but people are saying it won’t last, that we will be sick of each other. How can I make that not happen?

Hi Lila –

I’m not sure what you’re asking.  Do you want moving in together to not happen, or getting sick of each other to not happen, after you move in together?

If it’s the first one, you just have to say no, that you love him and want to keep your relationship going, but that it’s too soon for you to do that.  And hopefully he’ll understand.

But if you mean the second, that’s a very common concern.  It comes up with all couples, especially when they’ve been together for a few years.  This is why we see married couples going into couples therapy, or just planning date nights or romantic getaways.  But I think that’s looking too far ahead.

For now, if you two decide to do this, I think the big Continue reading

0 How to choose between your boyfriend and your family.

Susmitha asks: I’m in a relationship with a boy. He is an introverted, nice guy. I trust him very much. We have been in love for three years. We are not married, but we do have physical touch. After some day, I noticed that he had some feelings about my sister. After I asked him, he said that he is loving both of us. Firstly he proposed to my sissy, and she rejected him in front of me. Later he proposed to me to take revenge on my sissy. After she came home, she accepted his proposal but I didn’t know about it. In between that we both had a physical touch (but didn’t go further than that). Over the next three years, he cheated on both me and my sister. We asked him finally whom he wants in his life, who he loved the most. He says that he is in love with me, “I don’t want your sister, I need you in my life. I did wrong but I don’t want to lose you.” They broke up. He promised me after this that after he gets a job, “I will come to your home and I ask your parents to marry you. Until then I will wait for you. Forgive me, I did wrong.” But my sister is not accepting him to be in my life. She says to break up with him. But I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused. Can I accept him in my life or not. What can I do now? I too need him In my life, and don’t want to lose him, He is somewhat childish, but he is my true love. What can I do now? Please help me.

Hi Susmitha –

Okay, so yes, there’s a real problem here.  Your sister is telling you what to do, and you’re struggling with whether to obey her or go with your interest in this guy.

This is one of those situations where one’s culture really matters.  I live with my human friend Handsome, in the Los Angeles area in the United States.  I haven’t seen any of my siblings since I was a month or two old, so I wouldn’t care at all if they told me to do something.  Handsome has a very good relationship with his brother, and neither one has ever ordered the other to do, or not do, anything (since they were children of course).  So if Handsome fell in love with someone and his brother told him he had to leave her, that would be extremely hard for Handsome; but there’s a good chance he’d go with her, and hope his brother gained more understanding over time.

But in a different culture, I understand that family is a bigger deal, and disobeying a family member could be catastrophic.  So this is why I can’t really answer your question – because I don’t know what you would lose if you disobeyed your sister.

I will, however, tell one story – about Handsome and me.  He was dating a Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been an abusive partner

Tracy asks: I’ve come to realize that I’m an abusive partner in my relationship; it’s been going on for a while now and I really need help. What can I do?

Hi Tracy –

Wow.

Well here’s the good news: you’ve already done 90% of the work.  With an issue like this, by far the biggest part of the job is realizing and admitting the problem.  What comes now isn’t easy, but it’s easier than what you’ve done.

I would argue that there are two things you’ll need to do.  One is to take your self-awareness up to the next level, and the only way I know to do that is to hire a therapist.  Someone who can work with you on the deep reasons why you have behaved in ways that don’t match your beliefs or your feelings.  (I say this because, if you thought that what you’d been doing was right, you would never have written me this question).  I don’t know where you live, but if it’s hard to find a traditional therapist there, other people with the right training can help also, such as a religious group leader, a school counselor, a psychiatrist… any of these are fine.  Just as long as it’s someone you can open up with, about all your experiences, who’s not going to treat you with shame or break your confidentiality by telling other people about the things you told them.

But there is a second part.  And that is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize a long romance has been a cheat to others all along.

bssk2412 asks: I’ve been married for 34 years, living with our family. About four years ago l met a divorced mother, and we got emotionally attached. I got involved in this because l wasn’t having the emotional connection with my wife. Everything was good between this lady and me, we really got close to each other emotionally and physically. But over the last few months suddenly she started behaving guiltily. I’m really attached to her and love her. But suddenly she’s making me realize, after four years of a steady relationship that I’m cheating on my wife. I’m so disturbed and confused. Please advise me on this, what should l do.

Hi bssk2412 –

If you’ve looked around my website, you know that I live with a human named Handsome, and we adore each other more than anything.  I would never do anything to hurt him or myself.

But if I see a cat or squirrel across the street, and I’m not on a leash or indoors, nothing stops me from running as fast as I can to catch them.  Including the fact that there might be a car speeding down the street.

So far I’ve been lucky every time I’ve done this, but it nearly gives Handsome a heart attack each time (I’ve come very  close to getting hit).

I certainly don’t do it on purpose.  It’s just that when I see a cat or squirrel, my brain goes completely blank and I don’t notice anything else.

My friend, you’ve been chasing a squirrel – for four straight years!  And this woman just has made you aware that you’ve dodged a car every day for that whole time!

That’s quite an awakening, I imagine!  Good morning!!!

I’m certainly not the first to say that Love Is Blind, but your relationship is one of the more amazing cases I’ve ever seen of that blindness!

Now, you ask me for advice, but I really can’t give it.  Because I don’t know about some very important issues.  And I’m not sure you do either, yet.

As a dog, I’m not here to tell a person that divorce is a right or wrong thing to do (I do care a great deal about how children are treated in divorces, but that’s another issue for another time).  It may be that the best thing is for you and this woman to admit your love to everyone, for you to get a divorce, and to marry her.

It also may be that Continue reading

0 How to tell your parents you want to marry your best friend

My pack asks: A year ago I introduced a girl as my said sister (a term like “best friend”) to my parents as well as hers. This means we told our parents we’d never become romantic with each other, so they’d let us hang out. But for the last eight months our relationship has deepened, and we love each other a lot. We didn’t know we’d fall in love. We can’t live without each other. Now we have to convince our parents to accept this relationship, as we want to marry. And even beyond our parents, other people might say bad things about her family, that this girl said this guy is like her brother, and now she wants to marry him.

Hi My pack –

I have to confess, this might be a case where, even as a dog, I don’t have enough cultural understanding.

Where I live, in the United States, the most acceptable and “clean” way for a couple to get together is to be friends first.  It also bodes well for a marriage, as people trust that a deep friendship will last through many more difficulties than romantic passion or physical attraction.

So to my mind, your parents and hers would cheer to the rooftops if you and she came to them saying you wanted to marry.

And your friends and other society would as well – they already know you two as a pair of nice young people they enjoy; how nice that you two will become a married couple as well.

But as I said, I don’t know everything, and this seems to be a case where I’m somewhat ignorant.

I will say, though, that I imagine it’s important that your families accept you as a couple before anyone else.  This might be a crazy idea, but if the families are okay with it, could you Continue reading

0 Should you show sympathy to your ex who dropped you?

Aishwarya asks: My boyfriend left me few weeks back. And now he texted me that his dad is not well and uncle is on deathbed. Should I show him some sympathy?

Hi Aishwarya –

This is a fascinating question, so great I have three different answers for it, depending on different situations.  I wish I knew enough to give you just one, because they’re all pretty different.  But hopefully this will help.

Okay, first situation:  You’re close with his family.

If you actually have/had a relationship with his father and/or uncle, where they were important in your life, and you in theirs, then I would say absolutely that you should deal with your ex, and with them.  Simply because you’d feel very bad if you didn’t and things got worse with them.  In fact, I often see some cruelty on the part of exes, keeping someone who cares a lot about their family from them, with the mindset “If you’re not my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, you can’t have any connection with them either!”  So if you’re close with, say, his dad, I think it shows good character on your ex’s part that he reached out to you.

Second situation: You’re not close with them, but he’s trying to be a friend to you.

If that’s what’s going on, that he’s just telling you his “news,” and another time he might be telling you “I got a car” or “I broke my leg,” then it’s really your call.  Do you want to be friends with him now, or not?  I’ve seen couples break up and become fantastic friends, and I’ve seen other cases where one member correctly realizes that they just can’t do well in life while creating a new, friendly relationship with their ex.  The answer is up to you, to do what’s best for you.  In this situation, the dad and uncle don’t expect or need your attention; so you get to treat the guy you loved who broke things off in whatever way feels right.  To you.

Third situation: He’s playing a Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you

Shirley_av asks: My boyfriend’s family came to know everything about our relationship and gave him a choice to choose between family and love, and so he chose his family over love, and her mother made him promise not to talk to me. But I want to save my relationship. What can I do?

Hi Shirley_av –

I wish I had a great, clever answer for you, but we pups are just not that smart.  I can certainly relate to the feeling you’re having – it feels like every time I’m locked in a cage.  Whether at the pound, or at a veterinarian’s hospital, or a groomer’s.  I hate being locked up, and even go a little crazy to get out, but of course the cages are built for dogs to not be able to leave.  So I’m stuck.  For what seems like forever.  And it’s living hell.

My friend, if your boyfriend were forced against his will to not see you, I’d say there’s a chance.  Then it’d be a Romeo and Juliet sort of situation.  But he was offered a choice, and made it.

And so my best advice is to move on.  And I know that’s devastatingly hard.

I’m not saying you should expect to feel good about it, or that your bad feelings will end soon.  They might take weeks, or months, or longer.  But if you can do whatever you can to move forward in your life, and into a new chapter, one of two things will happen.

First, he Continue reading