Category Archives for "Family"

0 Is it a problem if your husband or wife flirts with others?

Rick asks: My wife has a male friend who she texts the same pictures she does me (not nude). They chat about how her day was, financial problems etc. She told me he had made a pass at her before we got married, but she says he’s not her type. Can she really see him as a friend or am I missing something?

Hi Rick –

Of course, I’m just a dog.  I’m not psychic or a mind-reader, so I can’t tell you what’s going on in her (or her friend’s) brain. 

But from what you tell me, I can make a guess. 

First of all, I doubt she’s cheating on you.  Cheaters usually hide things from their spouses, and she’s being very open about this.  So, to answer your question, yes I think she sees him as a friend.

But then there’s that second point, him.  What I don’t know is how he’s feeling.  You see, I know lots of married people who have great friends who they could  be having affairs with but aren’t.  My human friend Handsome has a number of married female friends, and he’d never consider doing anything to mess with their marriages, even if one of them came on to him.  He values them too much.

But it’s that thing about her sending photos to him that concerns me.  It’s very normal for a person who’s fully committed to their spouse, to still enjoy the attention and attraction they get from someone else.  And is her sending those photos to this man (who’s made it clear he’s attracted to her, and whom she rebuffed as “not her type”) a way of keeping his interest.  Innocently, but still wanting it?

And if so, might he get the wrong idea, and make another pass?  Or, if not, might his feelings actually be a bit hurt, that she’s flirting with him when they both know it can’t go anywhere? 

Or does he like the fact that this woman he’s attracted to, who is happily married to someone else, still flirts with him, making him feel relevant and attractive?

You see, I don’t know the answer to these.  Again, I think you’re fine, and there’s nothing big to be concerned about.  But are there small things that might evolve into bigger issues someday?  Maybe.

Anyway, that’s the best this pup can do!  (And by the way, I’m completely devoted to my human, but I still flirt with EVERYBODY!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you start feeling better than your boyfriend or girlfriend

Bintu asks: I have been in a relationship for one and a half years. My boyfriend is a very caring compassionate human being. All he wants to do is appreciate and cherish me. However, since some time I can’t stand his love. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve acquired some kind of superiority complex. I have started thinking I can do better. I can date someone more good looking since he’s not conventionally good looking. I also think he’s not too smart. He’s not dumb but I don’t think he’s intellectually well developed. I have struggled to overcome these feelings because he’s a great guy but I have failed and then tried to break up. However he pleads me to stay always and because I deeply care for him, I give in. He has an abusive past and a toxic family, so I’m the closest thing to love he knows. I don’t know if all hope is lost or if heartbreak is inevitable. Is there any way I can make myself fall back in love so that I don’t have to hurt him?

Hi Bintu –

I don’t know you or your boyfriend, and have never seen you two together.  So I don’t know which of these two situations is right, but I’m pretty sure one of them is:

First, that yes, this relationship has run its course, and you’ve run out of feelings for him.  And if that’s the case, while it’s very sad, it would make things worse if you stayed with him, or especially married him, because he’ll only get more attached, and you’ll eventually need to leave.

And second?  Second is that this is the completely normal stage in a relationship where you two have been together a while and you’re getting to take him for granted.  And all those little irritating qualities that didn’t mean much before (like his not being as smart or good-looking as some other guys) are bothering you more, and you’re thinking “I can do better,” and even more, “I should do better.”

I’ve been in that one myself!  When Handsome took me out of the dog pound, I was so grateful I could just have burst.  And over the next weeks, we each just fell head-over-heels for each other.  But then, after a year or two, things started to fade.  He would get irritated with having to always take care of me, while I got sick of being shut in the back yard, or being told to sit and stay all the time.  He got less tolerant of all my hairs around the house, and I got fed up with the boring dog food he fed me every night.

And what happened then?  Did he take me back to the pound?  Or did I dig out and run away?

Thank

0 Should you move away if you feel you don’t fit in?

Wooff asks: I want to go to a university abroad rather than stay in my country, but my mom is not supportive. Her reason being is due to financial reasons but I said I would go if I got a scholarship. It’s not about money, which they have enough to support me with. It’s just more about the fact that she knows that I plan on settling abroad. I really have nowhere else to go or ask someone without getting a heavily biased opinion. Ever since I’ve been young, I’ve wanted to go abroad. While I owe a lot to my country, I do not want to stay in it. At all. I get stared down by men if I do not wear a certain type of clothing. People use their influence/connections to get to higher ranks. You have to be a people pleaser to be successful (which I am not). I have to behave a certain way to please other people, I cannot walk freely with my boyfriend hand in hand. I live in a third world country. I have no freedom, people only watch out for themselves. And I cannot survive here. I am by nature a very sensitive person. And I have been abroad and I love how everything feels so free there. My mom keeps saying “I raised you and now you want to leave me. A lot of people here are surviving. You can go abroad when we’re dead.” I would not have chosen to be born if I knew being in a family is such a give and take situation. I did not chose to be born here. I don’t want to survive anymore, I want to live. I want the basic right to clean air, if that’s not too much to ask for. If she had the best intentions in mind for me (which I doubt now), she would want me to have my best life. I suggested that they could leave with me but she said it’s not that easy. The reason I’d be staying is because I was forced. I think it’s my right to want a better life for me and my future family. I lived as a second class citizen my whole life in this country. Reading in my country’s education system rather than international education system. Only because I was told that it was too expensive and they could not afford it. But now that the decision has come to choose my universities, I want to go abroad. Yes, I’ll prepare for both here and abroad, but if I could get a decent scholarship, I’d leave. But I’m not getting any support to try for abroad. Maybe the best course of action would be to try for both, while focusing mainly on abroad. I don’t want to take a gap year but maybe that would be the best? What do you think Shirelle? Am I being selfish? Am I in the wrong? What should I do? Conform again or live my life? I’m sorry if I sound hateful, but I’ve been living with this anger since high school, and even now, it hasn’t gone away completely. Would really appreciate an unbiased opinion.

Dear Wooff –

So before I answer you, Handsome said “Tell her to listen to Bruce Springsteen’s song ‘Independence Day.’  That’s exactly where she’s at.  At least she won’t feel so alone.”  And I never disagree with Handsome… on music.  (On what he feeds me, and where he lets me go, I disagree with him all the time.  But enough about that.)

Wooff, there are lots of people, I suppose most people, who are very good at living the way they’re supposed to.  They’re nice people, who relate to the social standards of their culture, they work hard enough, they’re good to their families, and sure they make mistakes but overall they do fine.

And then there are the other kinds of people.  People who don’t fit in so well.  They might be good-natured, they might be very kind, they might be brilliant in some ways, but they’ve just never quite felt like they belonged.

There are dogs like that too.  I’m one of them.  And I think you’re one of those people.  So you and I are alike in more ways than just your name and my species sound!

What I’m saying, Wooff, and what Handsome’s saying with that song, is that this isn’t just about right now, and it’s not just about choosing a university, and it’s not even just about your parents and your country.   This is you.  And the you you’re going to be, at some level, forever.

And what this means is that you’re going to be re-inventing yourself, probably a lot.  If you move to another country, if you move back, if you dress less conservatively or more, if you go to one university or another or none, even what you choose to study there. 

I know it feels scary.  You’re right.  People who comfortably live by the rules don’t have to face this particular fear (Of course everyone faces lots of other ones, so it doesn’t mean their lives are necessarily better than yours; they just don’t have to deal with this).  You might alienate people you really love, or you might give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.

In fact, I’m going to change that last comment.  You WILL alienate people you love.  And you WILL give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.  You will also be misjudged in bad ways, and given credit for strengths you don’t feel you deserve.  You will struggle and fail, and you’ll struggle and succeed, and sometimes you’ll just give up on the struggle.

My dear friend, of course I can’t tell you whether to stay in your country for university or not.  I don’t know nearly enough to give a decent answer.  But from what you wrote, I sure

1 Should I leave my spouse for my more exciting ex

Poornima asks: I am a 27-yr-old married woman. My husband is very loving and caring, but I am in love with my ex-boyfriend. He is also loving and caring. We had an affair, and my boyfriend wanted to marry me. We were finding a way how to live together as husband and wife without hurting anybody. But now suddenly he’s started ignoring me. Then I told him one day I was getting a divorce. He started talking with me normally, but he was upset and suddenly not free. When I asked the reason, he said, “I love you but you are with your husband, so it’s very painful for me. Every time I see you with him it hurts. If you would be single, then I would feel comfortable with you.” I am confused, and my husband he is a nice man, so I’m feeling awful about myself.

Hi Poornima –

I would love a lot more information than I have (especially my biggest question – why is your ex an ex?  Who broke up with whom, and why?!), but I’ll do my best to give you an answer.

You have a loving, caring husband.  Have you been together a long time?  Long enough for things to get a little unexciting between you? 

If so, then my guess is that that’s what caused this affair.  You remembered how much more exciting things were when you dated your ex, and he felt the same way too, and then you got together and – wow, it was even more exciting, having this hidden, secret, dangerous romance!

But then suddenly, you made everything more “real.”  You told your ex that you wanted a divorce, and were offering him a committed relationship with you, and he kind of froze.  He got distant, and came up with reasons why, reasons I don’t totally accept.  (I would fully believe a man who said he wouldn’t feel right being with a married woman, and that if she wanted to be with him she’d have to leave her husband first; but he WAS with you – he had an affair with you!  So his discomfort about your marital status doesn’t really ring true for me)

And here’s my big concern.  If what was wrong in your marriage was that things had gotten “stale,” I can promise you, the exact same thing would happen with this guy, over time!

So my suggestion would be to try to work with your husband to make your relationship more exciting, more adventuresome, and yes, sexier!  And if that doesn’t work, then consider breaking up and starting over with this other guy.  But first give your current one a chance – he might just be worth it!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to make a relationship last

samzy asks: I need steps and advice to build a good relationship with a new girlfriend to make it successful

Hi samzy –

CONGRATULATIONS!  That’s great news!  New romance is the BEST!

And yet…

It’s funny, I’ve never been asked exactly this before.  I get a lot of questions about aspects of relationships, but not a simple broad “how to build a good one” like this.  And I like the question, but I think the answer is in all those others. 

Because no two relationships are ever exactly alike.

In some, you need to figure out how to build trust so the other person won’t suspect things about you all the time.  While in others, you need to figure out ways to deal with your suspicions about them.

In some, you need to learn how to give them enough space to not feel crowded, while in others, you need to learn how to lovingly demand space for yourself.

In some, you need to deal with the other person wanting more physical intimacy than you’re comfortable with, while in others you need to learn how to tolerate their need for moving more slowly than you’d like.

So really, the biggest advice I can give is three things, each of which is always true.

First, always work on

0 Should you tell your baby’s father’s family about it?

Cocohh asks: I am 7 months pregnant from an ex of mine who wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Can or should I tell his parents about the pregnancy instead? I could use a little support. Also I have grown up without my father or his family in my life. I would like my child to have both sides of her family in her life. Also, I have a cousin who is claiming to other people that she has a baby from my ex. I am confused as to whether she’s telling the truth or lying, because she was married all along to another guy, and now she is broken up from him and back at her mother’s home. I am so in shock and confused as to what I can do about this. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie?

Hi Cocohh –

So okay, I have to start with your final question.  I soooo appreciate people who let sleeping dogs lie.  I’m always snoozing away on the bed next to Handsome, and he’ll roll over and just about tumble me off onto the floor, or he’ll reach over on purpose and give me a scratch or a snuggle, and I really love those things but not if I was right in the middle of a dream where I was catching up to an antelope and about to jump on it and…

Oh wait, you’re not asking about that literally, are you?  You meant to ask if you should just let everything be…?

NO WAY!

My friend, I’m sorry your relationship broke up, but at one point it was there, and this guy chose to do what he did, and yes, there are consequences to our actions.  If I steal a piece of pie off of my human’s plate, I’m going to get yelled at and sent outside.  And he did what he did that resulted in your pregnancy, and, while he doesn’t have to stay with you, he DOES owe you help – at least financial – in raising that baby.

So if he’s playing some game of “I broke up with you so I don’t have to have any relationship with you or her,” I don’t see any reason in the world why you have to respect it.

Or Continue reading

0 How to keep someone

dasalujr asks: What does it take for a woman to keep a man and not lose him?

Hi dalalujr –

This is so funny.  I have answered over a thousand questions on this website, and I think you’re the first person to ever ask me this.  I get tons of questions on how to win someone, or asking whether or not they should stay – but never about how to keep someone once you have them!

Of course, there’s no single all-around answer.  Some men like being treated some ways, and some like others.  And some people are just dog-like in their loyalty, very happy to stay with the people to whom they’re committed, while some are more like lone wolves, almost impossible to keep around.

But there are a few universal truths I’ve seen, on how to keep a man (or a woman) in a Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

Well… it takes patience!

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

What?!  What did I Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re attracted to someone like your abusive parent

HoneyBunny asks: I want to have a stable relationship. I will tell you something about my family background first, as many people keep on saying that my mind is unstable because of my family issues. So my mum and dad got separated 7 years ago, and my dad got into a relationship with some other lady, and my mum got married and has started staying with her husband in another city. She does provide me everything, but her presence is what I crave. I have no contact with my real father or his family. And I was in a relationship with a guy and we ended up because he was apparently cheating on me. And I like someone now but that guy is just like my real father. I don’t want myself to fall for him, because he isn’t doing any job – he drinks a lot, and even abuses a lot, but still I am very much attracted to him. Please suggest something.

Hi HoneyBunny –

This is really unfair!  This is too many awful things happening to you all at once!  I can’t even tell if you’re living with an adult now, or if you’re too young to be living that way, and … ARRGH it’s just not right!

So I have to say, it makes TOTAL sense that you would be drawn to a man who reminds you of your father.  You have a deep need for this man who has disappeared from your life, and are trying to replace him with someone similar.

What’s GREAT is that you’re aware of the guy’s problems, and especially that they are the same as your dad’s.

I just sent out a newsletter with a piece on this exact issue – what to ask yourself before dating someone.  If you didn’t get it, you might want to look at it: https://askshirelle.com/2019/02/15/twenty-questions-avoid-dating-problems/

But in the meantime, you have a bigger job, which is to find out how to get what you need from a guy who doesn’t have these flaws.

What I want you to do is to Continue reading

0 How to gain custody of a child

dan77 asks: I need to get custody of my son because his mother does nothing with him. What do I do?

Hi dan77 –

Sadly, while I can certainly commiserate with you about the difficulties you’re facing, and how awful this is for you, there’s no advice I can give about how to get custody.  For two reasons – one, I’m not an attorney and don’t know much about law; and two – I don’t even know where you live, and if I did know law, I’d only know those for my country or state, and so still wouldn’t be able to help you.

You MUST Continue reading