Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to get your husband and his family to treat you better.

Pritzel asks:

I got married recently, an arranged marriage. I am suffering from, let’s call it “manic introversion.” I don’t know the exact term it goes by, but you get the idea, right? His family is old fashioned and full of nitpickers and I’m extremely sensitive to those people. I am utterly incapable of confronting such people, so my only tactic is evasion. I am otherwise bright making steady progress towards building a career for myself, but this marriage shattered all my dreams. In the one year since we got married, I slowly gave into all the terms of arranged marriage. I have one final request – staying away from his family until I am ready to meet them one day. Complete avoidance. Is it wrong? Most of the time he is good to me, but when we fight about it, it sends me down a vortex of depression. He breaks stuff and manhandles me when I refuse to budge and go meet his relatives. What am I supposed to do?

Hi Pritzel –

Okay, I have to start with one issue, before I answer your question.  As a dog I’m very sensitive to the concept of “manhandling.”  When my human friend, Handsome, handles me, it’s either to do something nice (petting, hugging, or playing), or to protect me (grabbing me as I walk into a street, or stopping me from getting into a fight).  But when you talk about your husband manhandling you in anger, I get very concerned.  It makes me think of my friend Aria, who was grabbed and beaten when she was younger, and so still today, living in a happy loving home, will scream out and snap when someone reaches to the back of her neck – which is always out of wanting to pet her!  It’s so sad, and for those people, scary!

So I don’t like this at all.  Every couple has differences and arguments, but I want him to STOP TREATING YOU ROUGHLY RIGHT AWAY!  I don’t know what resources you have, but I’d love it if you could threaten him in some way, like “If you hurt me again, I’m going to go stay with my parents” or even “If you grab me like that again, I’m going to have my big brother come talk with you about it!”  I know I’d love to be in the room and come at him with all my teeth bared – and I’ll bet that’d be all I’d need to do!  Not even nip him, just give him a little scare, and then leave you two to work out this difficult situation in a fairer, safer manner.

But on to your question.  You’re suffering from his family being excessively judgmental, it seems.  I’m not sure what you mean by giving in to “all the terms of arranged marriage,” or how it’s shattered all your dreams, but I sure do know that no one likes feeling judged like that.  And you really have no say in it; you’re the new wife, wanting to be liked and accepted, and his family, who chose you, or at least agreed to you, are making that hard or impossible for you.

I can mainly think of two solutions to this.  First would be if you could get your husband to stick up for you.  I don’t mean for him to abandon his family, but could he just be strong and say to them, “Mother, you need to treat Pritzel better.  She’s my wife, and the way you act toward her is an insult to me.”  Or “Aunt, you’re being unfair to Pritzel, and making our family look bad to her.  I’ve been trying to make her happy, but you’re making her feel like she doesn’t even want to be around you.”  Or just, “Brother, cool it!”  Him doing this would not only help you out, but build his confidence as well, making him feel some power in his family structure.

But second, if he’s unable or unwilling to do those (or even if he does do them), is there one member of his family you feel is more on your side?  Maybe his sister or his aunt?  Who you could talk with, away from the others, and get to support you more?  I’m thinking something like “Hey sister-in-law, you’re always so nice to me, and I just need to talk with you because I need some help when the other family members are being harsh!”  Is there someone you feel this way toward?  You see, if you can get just one of them on your side, that’s usually enough to make the difference. 

And of course I’d love you to get your confidence built up anyway, as it’s clear you’ll need that for dealing with all of these folks.  So please feel free to write me anytime, even for just a supportive tail-wag and bark.  But anything else you can do to feel stronger is going to be great too.

Marriage ought to make your life better, my friend.  I hope there’s a way to make that happen.  Let’s see what we can do!

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you catch your teenager drinking

recmmc asks: I was putting something away in my 12-year-old daughter’s room, and I saw half- hidden water bottles, three of them with alcohol in them, and two shot glasses. I don’t know how to confront her regarding this and proper discipline.

Hi recmmc –

As frightening as this has to have been for you, I can assure you it’s as common as fleas on my tummy in summer.  Normally this will happen a year or two later than twelve years old, but your daughter may just be an “early bloomer.”  I’m going to guess that two things are going on here.

First of all, she is doing the natural experimentation teenagers do.  She’s trying out something that’s always been forbidden, attempting to act older than she is, and very likely doing it with a friend or friends, which makes it even more exciting and meaningful to her.

On the other hand, she has done it in a clumsy way – leaving the evidence right out there for you to find, which tells me she was absolutely planning (maybe unconsciously) for you to catch her.

My suggestion to you would be to respond to it, but in a very “cool” way.  She’s broken a rule, and there needs to be some sort of consequence, but as of now there’s no sign that she’s approaching alcoholism or anything like that.  You just want to let her know you’re in charge.

Part of being a teenager is testing boundaries, especially with parents and their rules.  The world is telling them every day to be more adult, and also stay a child.  So they need to figure out what are real boundaries and what aren’t.  It sounds to me like she’s doing just that. 

The funny part about this is that somewhere, deep-down, most teens in situations like this are actually hoping their parents set strong boundaries.  They need to feel what their real limits are so they can grow within them. 

But also there might be a cry-for-attention going on here.  I remember once, my human friend Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone pretty much all day every day for a few weeks, just coming home at night to sleep.  I amused myself by focusing on birds and squirrels, and some rats that would come over from our neighbor’s house, but I missed him and his attention horribly. 

Finally, one day he didn’t leave.  He had the day off and went about spending it at home, very happily.  And what did he do with that time?  He got the huge pile of mail that had accumulated and set to working on it, reading letters, paying bills, all that sort of stuff.  Well I was furious – I’d been patient all this time, and now that he was free he was going to look at papers?!  So I, very carefully, watching him to catch his eye, started walking around his white couch, which I wasn’t allowed onto.  And once he glanced up, I climbed right onto it, staring him in the eye the entire time!  Well of course he jumped up and yelled at me.  But he also, at that moment, realized what I was doing and why.  And so once he got me off the couch, he took me outdoors and started playing catch with me, which gave me exactly what I needed.

So again, my friend, my suggestion is to simply confront your daughter, and give her some small consequence for breaking the rules, and see if that’s enough.  And maybe, depending on your own views on this issue, you might offer to let her have a sip of wine or beer next time you have some – to let her know that, while the rules still apply, you also recognize that she is starting to grow into an adult.  (But that last part isn’t necessary unless it feels completely right to you).

Now if you do this and she does it again, or you see bigger problems, then please write me again, as that’s a very different story.  But for now, cool and clear will probably work just right.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s mother just doesn’t like you.

Scarlett4 asks:

My boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of problems, including him making some big mistakes in the past.  But now there is a different problem – I don’t think his mom likes me that much. She is just talking with me regularly just for his child’s sake.

Hi Scarlett4 –

Yeah this problem is REALLY common – about as common as fathers not liking the boys their daughters bring home!  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – I think it usually stems from that parent having two experiences: first, having been the person in love with their kid longer than anyone else (falling rapturously mad over the baby, then the toddler, then the sweet kid, then the rebellious teen… ALL of those!); and second, having been the person who took care of that kid all the time, the one whose whole life was built around their child.

So after all that, how could anyone the young person brings home ever seem good enough?!  I can certainly tell you that my human friend Handsome has brought lots of girlfriends to me over the years, and not one of them has ever offered to spend all day guarding the house against prowlers, or chased the squirrels and cats out of the yard, or curled up and lay protecting him through hundreds of nights.  Not one!  So how could I ever say they’re good enough for him?!

Well, there actually is an answer.  And that’s for you to win her over.  For you to be such delightful company, to be the daughter she always wanted, to be her new best friend.

I see it all the time.  Sure she loves her son more than anything in the world, but you’re way more fun to go shopping with.  And besides, hanging out with you is a way of staying close with him, in a way she hasn’t been able to since he started insisting on going out with friends and not telling her everything anymore!

You two can even start to talk about MEN together!  Don’t get too insulting about her baby boy, but you two can definitely roll your eyes at each other about how they’re all obsessed with sports or unable to talk about feelings or never notice your new hairstyles or… you get the idea!

Now maybe I’m wrong, and she’s not this fun loving mom, but rather kind of mean and judgmental.  Well in that case, I’d recommend doing THE EXACT SAME THING – warm her up by being delightful.  I can’t tell you how many times it’s worked for me (often with people who simply don’t like dogs!).

At least give it a try.  And if nothing works, then maybe you can get your boyfriend, who (from your previous letters I know) needs to make up for some stuff, to pay a little bit of his debt by talking to her and getting her to cool it with you.

But first try being her new BFF.  That’s the best way, and so much more fun!

Good Luck!

Shirelle

2 Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Among the differences between us dogs and you humans, at least once you reach a certain age, is the way you guys are so squeamish!  Things that seem normal to us, or really terrific, nauseate you.  You never sniff each other’s butts hello, you never roll around on dead animals you find, and you insist on cleaning yourselves with soap and water, instead of using your tongues the way we do!

So you might say we pups live in the world of the gross.  The smells we seek out when you take us for walks are just the ones you go to great lengths to avoid.  And we’re fascinated by watching you work so hard to get rid of them.  Imagine how curious you’d find it if someone took good care of their garden but removed all the prettiest flowers and threw them into the trash.  Well that’s what it’s like for us when you cover up all the most interesting smells and treats!

Now in the past few weeks, I’ve been watching you guys struggle with a completely changed world, a new reality.  Where all the rules are unlike anything that was true two months ago:  DON’T go to school, DON’T shake hands when you meet someone, DON’T go visit your grandparents, just STAY on that couch and watch your iPad and phone!  HUH?!

Lots of you are extremely confused, especially about how best to stay safe: Wash your hands, social distance, wear a mask even though they won’t keep you safe, sanitize, moisturize…  of course you’re all going cuckoo! 

But I have a way, through my gross little brain, to help you out.  It’s all about us dogs (isn’t it always!).  Here goes:

First, if you’ve ever had a dog you take on walks, I hope you’re considerate enough of your neighbors to also bring along a bag or two, to clean up when we poop.  (Yes, I said POOP!  I told you, I’m pushing your nausea envelope today!)  So when we plop out something you guys find stinky and distasteful, you reach down and put it in the bag.  Right?

And you do it perfectly, right?  Only the bag touches our nasty turds, right?  No bit of your finger could possibly accidentally brush against it?  And nothing sticking to the bag could get  onto your hand when you tie the top into a knot, right?  You’re ABSOLUTELY SURE? 

Well, just to test your sureness, how about if a friend of yours offers you a handful of chocolate-covered peanuts.  But you need to hold them in your hand, before you put them in your mouth.

Do you?  I’ll bet you don’t!

In fact, I’ll bet you go, “That’s so nice of you.  Let me wash my hands to make sure there isn’t any dog-doo on them, and then I’ll gladly take those yummy treats and devour them!”  Or maybe it’s “Could you just put them into my mouth?  I’m worried about what’s on my hands.”  Or you even think, “Well I know nothing touched my left hand, so I can eat from that… I think!”

But as long as you don’t put your hands in your mouth, or touch your nose or eyes, or touch anyone else, you probably don’t worry about what might be on you, right?  You might even be on an hour-or-two-long hike with your pooch, and very happy to wait to wash up afterwards.  But you don’t put your poopy hands on your face!  And that’s all that matters!

Now imagine you walk into your home after that walk, and there’s a knock on the door, and without thinking you turn the knob and open it.  You chat with the person there, shut the door, and think, “… hmm… I shouldn’t have touched the knob, there might be some of that doggie’s poo on there.”  So you wash your hands and  the knob, right?  But what if you forgot to at the time, and it’s the next day, and you realize, “Wow I should have washed that doorknob yesterday, when I might have gotten something onto it.”  Do you feel you need to wash it now?  Probably not.  It’s been so long, anything nasty would have dried out or evaporated.

And this is exactly what the experts are saying to do about the coronavirus!  Keep your hands away from your face, wash or sanitize often, and be aware that it can last on other surfaces but just for a time.

In other words, when it comes to your hands, there’s really no mystery about Coronavirus – just TREAT IT LIKE DOG POOP!  Yes it’s potentially much more dangerous if you get it into your system, but the way to treat it is JUST THE SAME.

Okay, now, time for number two!  (Yes, that’s a little joke there for those who get it.  Clever pup, aren’t I!)   And this one’s about Breathing!

Now I think my breath smells just great, but I’m not a new puppy anymore and my mouth has had lots of things in it over the years, and so I have… well… dog breath.  And even it’s not as pungent as some other dogs I’ve known, like those with rotting teeth!  So what would you do if your breath smelled as bad as ours?  How would you keep your friends?!

Well, one thing you could do is to stay a little distance away from everyone.  After all, bad breath is just airborne molecules, that dissipate as it gets further from the nasty mouth.  Some say six feet (or two meters) and some say farther is better.  But either way, just stay far enough away that others can’t smell you.  But to be even safer, why not put a covering over your mouth, to keep all that stink inside, away from others?

Well that, my dear friends, is social distancing, and face masks!  One of the worst things about Covid-19 is that a person can be infected with it but not feel it for a few days.  So when it comes to dealing with others, act as if you know you have it!  And since it, like bad breath, is borne in droplets in air, the way to do that is to stay six feet or more away from others, and wear a mask to keep the nasty stuff in.  (Yes, there are fancier, more technological masks, that actually do help keep the person wearing them safe.  But you don’t need that if you’re following the other rules; leave those for the brave selfless health workers who are getting right up next to people with the disease for hours and days and weeks on end.  They need them; you don’t.)

Now there are those other rules to follow, of course.  Stay home if you can, wash instantly if anyone coughs or sneezes on you, keep healthy, take vitamins and zinc and… oh you don’t need me telling you these things!

But if you can remember the rules of Poop and Bad Breath, you ought to be safe.  Safe enough to get through this awful period, and move on to the sort of world we had and want to have again, a world where all your other problems, like about crushes and dating and anger and betrayal and embarrassment… those GREAT problems, become all we talk about again!

0 Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

            Handsome told me about a really interesting photo he saw recently.  Two signs are hanging on a fence, not quite even.  One of them says “You Matter.”  And the other says “Don’t Give Up.”  But because they’re next together, you could read them as saying “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.”  It’s all in how your mind takes it in.  And I’d argue, what your mind chooses to take in.

            Now the point of the photo is to be funny, but I think there’s something really important in it.  We see evidence all the time that can be used to argue one point or another.  For example, I see a squirrel a few meters away from a tree; is that good news for me (I can chase him and catch him), or for him (he’s close enough to get up the tree before I get there)? 

            Or maybe a boy you like at school asks you what you got on a question from last night’s math homework.  Does that mean he was looking for a reason to talk to you, or that he’s only interested in you because you’re good at math?  Same evidence, different reading.

            Or… We’ve all seen a sixteen-year-old girl speaking out about how humans have been ignoring the damage they’re doing to the planet, while governments and industries dismiss or deny her words.  Does this mean the human race is moving forward into a new era of ecological responsibility?  Or that ‘The System’ is too powerful for even the strongest voices to change anything?

            Both.  Or Either.

            So let me go back to that squirrel (as I’m highly inclined to do).  Now I could decide that he’s too close to the tree, and not chase him, and I’d be fine.  I wouldn’t have the fun of chasing him, or the thrill of catching him, but I’d be no worse off than I was before.  Or I could chase him and fail to catch him, and feel some disappointment.  Or I could chase him and catch him, yippee!

            There’s not a right choice, or a wrong choice.  But, as some serious philosophers who know a lot more than I do have said, the choice I make defines me, at least to a certain degree.  Either I’m the kind of dog who takes the chance to chase that squirrel, or I’m not.  And in the long run, that definition will matter a lot more than whether or not I catch him.  It’ll be my essence.

            So when that cute boy asks you for that help, who are you?  Are you the girl who tells him “no,” because you’re sure he’ll only hurt your feelings by ignoring you afterward?  Or are you the girl who helps him but then runs away out of nervous shyness?  Or are you the girl who says “I can give you the answer, but that’ll only help you for the moment.  Want to meet up after school at the library, and I’ll explain it to you so you can pass the test as well?”  Oooh, I know which one I’d want to be!

            Now again, he might say no.  He might be busy, or he might be a horrible jerk who says “No, if people saw us together it’d ruin my reputation,” and you’ll cry all night. 

            But again, who are you?  How you choose to look at his question will define that.

            In my country, we have a leader who most voters didn’t want; he got elected by a weird rule from 230 years ago that really makes no sense.  Since then, he’s never gained popularity, and a lot of people who hadn’t known what to think of him now see him as a lying criminal.  The next election is later this year, and the opposition party is engaged in a big battle for who they’ll nominate to go up against him, but in most polls, every one of them comes out ahead of him.

            So why is it that, every day, I hear people bemoaning the “fact” that he’s going to get re-elected?  He’s unpopular, he’s lost far more supporters than he’s gained over time, and he’s gotten caught at numerous illicit activities.  So why aren’t they celebrating?  Yes he might win, through fair or unfair means, but the odds are in their favor.  So why?

            It’s those signs.  They’ve gotten so used to being disappointed about him, they’re seeing “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.” Instead of the other.  They’re seeing the squirrel being close to the tree, not just out of distance of it.  They’re seeing the polluters win over the outspoken girl.  And they’re preparing themselves for the boy to ignore them after getting that right answer.

            Of course, some goals are unattainable (I can’t catch flying birds) and some are easy (I never have trouble getting the dinner Handsome leaves out for me).  All I’m talking about is the in-betweens.  The Hards.  But again, you get to choose what you do when you see those.  And that means you get to choose exactly who you are.

            A beautiful old song sings, “The difficult I’ll do right now.  The impossible will take a little while.”  That might be taking things a bit far, but I can tell you, until I get so old my legs can’t lift me up, I will always chase that squirrel.  Not because I’ll catch him.  Just because I don’t want to be that dog who doesn’t.

            Be who you choose. 

            After all, who else would you want to be?!

0 How to avoid being taken advantage of

PERFECTION asks:

I have had enough of being taken advantage of by people. Being so vulnerable, being good, and all. Letting them just use me the way they want to. I usually only fight for myself whenever I’m already at my breaking point. Right now I just want people to stop looking at me like I’m someone they can use. 

Hi PERFECTION –

This is a huge issue for lots of people, and particularly for good, kind, honorable people.  You have values and want to live up to them, and find that you’re still getting treated awfully by those around you.

So there are two reasons this might be happening (and both could be true at the same time).  In one case, you’re just unlucky, and live in rough circumstances. For example, let’s say you were a slave, or a victim of kidnapping, or a prisoner of war.  In these cases, through no fault of your own, you’re being treated horribly and denied even your most basic human rights.  Or, at a lesser level, you are treated worse than others because of your skin color or gender or some other irrational prejudice.  In these cases, if there are solutions, they are complex and difficult, and I don’t have the brains to help (There’s a new movie coming out about Harriet Tubman, for example, who led a phenomenal system to help American slaves escape their tormentors.  I don’t have the brilliance to tell you how to do what she did!).

But there’s another situation, where the person being treated badly actually does do something (unintentionally, unconsciously) that brings bad behavior on.  Maybe it’s the woman who picks one abusive boyfriend after another; maybe it’s the guy who can’t keep himself from showing off his intellect and knowledge in ways that anger everyone around him; maybe it’s the child who has that “special something” that makes other kids want to bully them.  In these cases, yes, there is something you can do about it.  But I’d have to

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0 What to do when a relationship takes so many turns you could go crazy

Chica asks:

So I got acquainted with this guy T on Instagram.  He was a common friend. We started talking and hit it off in a week. He was not in a good mental state at  that time, so I supported him and helped him in that phase. At the end of two weeks he confessed that he was falling for me, and I can’t deny I felt for him too. We met for the first time on and felt instant connection. We just knew that this was something special. We started seeing each other almost every day. We were really happy together. When I was around him I was the happiest, and I knew it was real, I felt it in my bones. The problem was he was moving to another city for his education, and we were not sure if we could sustain long distance, but still we wished to give our relationship a chance. He had even mentioned about our future. He often spoke about how it would be if I got married to him. He once even told me he felt like I would be the best mother to our children. I remember I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so happy. But after a couple of months my parents found out I was dating him, and they disapproved because in our culture it’s not acceptable to be involved sexually with the opposite sex before marriage, and also we both are just 18 – hence my parents reacted really harshly and warned him to not contact me ever again. He was devastated, so was I. His mother had stopped talking to him and my parents had grounded me. They all were really angry. He moved to another city a week later. I contacted him and asked him if he still wanted me, if he still wanted to hold on, and he said he would be by my side forever, and that he would convince my parents.  But once he moved he started getting distant. There were times that he completely ignored me, but I understood that he was not in the right mental state because of the trauma caused by our families. But after a while things started falling apart. He was getting more and more distant, and then one fine day he asked me if I could give him commitment for marriage. I told him I was ready but first I wanted him to focus on his career so that we could convince my parents that he is the best guy for me. But he reacted really harshly to that – he was like he is not sure if he can accept my parents after that incident. After a few days I told him I was ready for commitment, I want us to build our home together. But that day he said he doesn’t want that anymore. He said he hates my family and he can never really be comfortable with them. I thought he was just angry and will come around, but things started getting worse day by day.  I decided to contact his friend who stayed in the same city as me. But this friend was against my guy. It seemed like he was not here to help his friend but actually break our relationship. After sometime me and my guy got back on normal talking terms, so I told him that I had approached his friend for advice, and in an angry state I said things that I didn’t really mean. But this thing hurt my guy and he broke it off completely. After 2 days I called him and he was like we can stay friends, and I agreed because I knew we would get back, but then after one week he told me about this other girl V. He showed me that she was much more important than me. He confessed he had feelings for her. I couldn’t believe him because 2 weeks before that he had asked me to marry him.  I questioned if what we had was real at all, or was I just a joke to him – if it was all real then how could he just love someone else in just one week. I still stuck to him because I felt like he was just trying to make me feel jealous. I stuck to him thinking that he would come back to me, that he still loved me, but day by day he started behaving really weirdly. He screamed at me and called me crazy on my birthday, hurting me a lot. I was devastated, but still I stuck to him because somewhere I still thought he loves me. But yesterday when we were talking I told him that hurt me in many ways, so he said that this is the reason he avoids me, because I play the victim game and mess his mind up. Even I got angry and told him off. After that he just blocked me, and I’ve lost him forever now.  And now I don’t know what to do and think. I always question did I mean anything at all – If I did how can he just leave like that? Oh God I don’t know what to do?

Hi Chica –

I’ve written on here before about my mixed feelings about cultures’ rules about what young people can and can’t do – I’m a big romantic, so I love things being kept kind of innocent, but I hate seeing true love dashed because of some old regulations.

So initially, I was on your and T’s side, and frustrated with your parents (though I can see their side too). 

But then, I’m really bothered by the way he treated you later.  I understand him being angry at your family, but rejecting you because he hates them makes me think he wasn’t really sincere about his love for you (after all, everyone has difficult relatives, right?).  And I’m even more bothered by his talking marriage to you one day, and committing to another woman within a week.

So as much as I hate to say it, Chica, I’m wondering if you’re better off without him.  And ironically, although it was for different reasons, if you’re better off that your parents broke the relationship off.  They were thinking about sex and tradition, but I’m thinking the real reason for you two to not be together is that he’s angry, sometimes hateful, and treats you like dirt!

I’m sure his feelings have been hurt, and his version of this story is very different from yours.  But even if he’s hurt and angry, there’s no reason to treat you this way – and certainly his treating you this way makes me think he’s not worthy of you.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he unblocks you and tries to make contact with you again soon.  And if he does, I can’t tell you whether to give him another chance again or not – just go with what feels right.  But I do urge you, if you deal with him at all again, let him know that he canNOT treat you that way anymore.  That you deserve better, no matter what you two have been through. 

And if he grows up and starts treating you well, I could support you two getting back together.  But if that doesn’t happen, I think the best thing for you to do is treat this whole amazing story as a great learning experience, one to carry with you (the wonderful parts and the awful ones) through the rest of your life, as you find a love or loves that treat you far better, as you deserve.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should you stay with your upcoming baby’s father even though he’s acting distant?

Zel-bell asks: I am 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend has taken me for granted since the day I found out. He supports me with buying baby stuff etc., but he chooses his friends and nice times above me. I keep on giving him chances, but he just doesn’t adore me. He keeps making empty promises, so I decided to leave him. Can you help me get over him?

Hi Zel-bell –

I am not a big one for telling people to stay in the wrong relationship, but in your case I’m going to make an exception.  For a couple of reasons.

First, it is very normal for men to pull away a bit during their woman’s pregnancy.  It’s not that they don’t care about the woman, or about the upcoming baby.  It’s that this change is so huge that they need to withdraw a bit.  The fact that this guy is buying things tells me he cares at least about his future son or daughter.  But you’re absolutely correct that he needs to pay more attention to you – and you should tell him so, in no uncertain terms!  You are his future – you will always be the mother of his child!  So if you’re still together, he needs to learn new ways to be with you.  And if he thinks you’re a little boring to hang out with now, just wait till you’re raising an infant!  He’ll need to be there a lot, while you’re exhausted, irritable, and in pain, with a screaming kid!  So in other words, I’m suggesting that he needs to grow up a bit, rather than for you two to split up.

Second, you may be feeling more negative about the situation because you’re in lots of discomfort, you’re not sleeping enough, and your hormones are going wild!  I’m not saying that you’re wrong to be irritated with him, but you might be more irritated now than you otherwise would, which means it might be a bad time to make a huge decision that affects your, and your baby’s, lives forever.

And Third, I want you to be a little selfish.  In a few weeks, you’re going to need ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET!  Do you really want him not around?  Unless you have a tremendously organized setup, early motherhood is about as hard as anything you’ll ever do.  Keep him around, and get him to bring those friends he enjoys so much over too!  One can cook you dinner while another washes sheets and diapers, and another watches the baby while you sleep, and another helps to pay the hospital bill!

So my overall advice, Zel-bell, is that you just stay with him for now.  If, a few months after the baby’s born, you still feel the same way, then sure, you can make the choice to break up.  But right now I don’t see how it would help you at all (I don’t think you’ll be doing any dating in the next couple of months!), and it could really hurt your life.

Instead, I’d say to focus on the baby.  And improve your relationship any way you can, but… that baby!  That’s the most exciting thing in the whole world!  And it’s coming to you VERY VERY SOON!

Congratulations and All The Very Best Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to choose between your family and your boyfriend or girlfriend, when a child is involved.

Hemant@12 asks: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl the last 2 years. My family does not approve of her, and they fixed my marriage to another girl. Then my girlfriend told me she is pregnant. And my family told me to abort the child; then we will accept your relationship (but they do not accept it). We are from different castes. What can I do?

Hi Hemant@12 –

I need to begin my answer to you by saying that, first, I’m a dog and not a human, and so don’t belong to any religion or caste.  And second, that I live in the United States, so I know that I don’t know everything about caste systems.  (Not that the U.S. has achieved as much equality as they like to say, but there isn’t an organized, rule-based system of people’s levels like that here)

Because of these reasons, I hope my answer doesn’t come off as insensitive, but it might.  Simply out of my ignorance.  If so, I apologize in advance.

My friend, your situation is ENORMOUSLY difficult.  There is no easy, right answer to this.  Instead, you are facing many questions.  How do you feel about abortion?  How do you feel about your girlfriend?  How do you feel about your family?  How do you feel about the caste system you live in?  How do you feel about the woman you’ve been engaged to?  How do you believe you’ll feel about that baby if your girlfriend has it?  And (if she even knows), how would your arranged wife feel about the baby?

I can’t tell you what decision to make.  What I can tell you is that what you choose will define you.  In many ways, it will define you for the rest of your life, and beyond. 

There’s a very painful story – it was a popular novel and then a famous film – called Sophie’s Choice.  It told the story of a Polish woman captured by Nazis, who horrifically told her she had to make a choice, that they would either kill her baby or kill her.  In a panic, she chose to let them kill the baby (who would have died without her anyway).  But the story all takes place years later – and is about how the woman’s life was affected by this decision, and pretty much destroyed by it.  The moment she made that choice defined her then forever. 

Your situation isn’t quite as awful as hers – after all, you’re living in a stable society, not under the whims of humanity’s most sadistic cruelty.  But, like her, so much rests on your choice.  You can become a respected member of your society, play by the rules, raise a good family (I’m imagining your parents picked a fine woman for you), and have a great life – knowing that this woman you loved, and possibly your child, are out there, hurt by your decision.

Or you could break away from your family, who raised you and have always been there for you, break the rules of your culture, hurt the woman they picked for you, and live the truth of your love for your girlfriend, and be a husband and father to these two.

Which feels more right to you?  Or is there another alternative (for example, is it possible for your family to let you marry this girl from another caste, even though it breaks some rules?)? 

And if you do find an alternative, that also will define you forever. 

So I’m saying that you might be the rule-follower (who left some very important people behind), or the rule-breaker (who left other people behind), or the rule-changer.  All of them have tough consequences, and all offer some joy and love.

The right choice for you to make, my friend, is the one that feels most in accordance with your beliefs and feelings.  There’s nowhere to hide – your answer will reveal your truth and your nature.

And whatever choice you make, if you can also work to be kind – as kind as possible – to whoever is hurt by your choice… that will also define you, in a very good way.  Even if not everyone sees the good you chose.

I would love for you to stay in touch with me, if you like.  Your situation means a lot to me, and whatever you choose, I’ll support as much as any dog can.

Wishing you, and everyone in your life, the very very best,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with an eating disorder

arjai101 asks: I went to a family reunion that was triggering. I finally finally get what people mean by “triggering” in the non-ironic sense of the word. But it wasn’t the family that did it. That was fine. It was the food. I was actually doing pretty fine with everything. But as the reunion wore on, I worried more and more. And then I started eating more, and making myself throw it up. Now, I can’t personally speak for everyone. But, the thing about making yourself throw up is that moment right before you get started and you’re staring down into the toilet is one of the worst parts. No matter how stuffed you feel or how determined you are, you will never want to do it less than in that very moment. When you march off to the bathroom, it seems like the best idea. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s uncomfortable but not that bad. And when you finish, most of the time, you don’t feel all that bad, it varies. Sometimes, you feel shame, sometimes like God, sometimes like I deserve this. Either way, you walk out there head held high, shoulders tilted back, sip your diet coke like nothing ever happened. Just like you taught yourself when you were little, convince people you were untouchable, invincible. Make them love you or make them hate you because they weren’t you. But, I guess I was never really invincible or untouchable from my own doing, which is the ironic thing about it all. Anyhow, this time I was coughing a lot, and I felt every single thing leaving my body in grave detail. Yet, I still just kept jabbing and jabbing down my throat. Cause, I knew I just had to fix it. I just had to fix everything I’d ever done and ever was. The bathroom was empty. But at one point, one of the little cousins roamed in and used the bathroom and God; I felt like such a loser hovered over the toilet clutching my stomach waiting in silence for her to leave. I said to myself, this is the last time. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. And you know what I did, the literal next day? The same exact thing. I can look at a plate and calculate the calories, the grams of protein, the grams of carbs. Tell me your weight, age, height, and activity level. I can probably give you your Basal Metabolic Rate. I can tell you how long it takes for you to deplete glycogen stores. I can tell you what percentage of your calories we’re used up in thermogenesis based on their macronutrient group. I can debate the intuitive eating lifestyle vs. chronic diet culture. Etc etc. etc. I’ve become quite the nutrition and fitness savant. And also, a complete neurotic bore to talk to most of the time. I’m trying to pinpoint why I’ve become so obsessive about it lately. I feel like I’ve really been disappointing everyone in my life on the down low for years. Or that, eventually, I will. Honestly, I don’t know. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I could it make it all stop. This is going to sound cheesy. But sometimes, I wonder if being loved by someone you didn’t lie to in the slightest way about who you are makes it stop, at least for the briefest of moments. But that’s a dangerous and indefinite way of making it stop, waiting for some girl to “save” you. Nope, I’m just going to have to get together and eat like a normal freaking person. I was doing fine before. And now I know, what triggers it. And I, just have to think ahead and prepare. Addendum: It’s about six days later, and I’m doing great. I think. Think, I finally started getting into a pattern that works for me. And I guess, I’m just excited for the future. To leave it all behind, you know. I really am a blast most other times.

Hi arjai101 –

This is one of the most powerful and meaningful letters I’ve ever received.

And I hate it.

I hate it because it horrifies me.  I hate it because of what you’ve been doing to yourself.  I hate it because of the self-loathing and impossible-perfectionism it shows. 

I hate it because I love and care about you so much, and it’s like reading about someone beating you up – except that the beater is you.

So of course, I like the last paragraph though.  If it’s still true after a few days, I like it even better.  And if it stays true, then we’re great – I got a letter that paints me a picture of a hell I have trouble understanding, and you’re moving on to a free and strong life.

But if it doesn’t stay true?  If you fall into the behavior again?  I’m going to insist – you absolutely HAVE  to

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