Category Archives for "Behavior"

2 Fido Fitness …a guide to Canine Cardio, and more!

            The restrictions are lifting.  People can go to restaurants again.  Even to the movies (I haven’t seen it yet but from everything I’m hearing, “In the Heights” is a must!).  And you guys can start playing sports and dancing and…

            Wait, what?  You can’t run or floss?  But I heard the rules were all…

            Ohhhhh…

            All around me, I’m seeing person after person in physical pain.  Not just old folks, or even middle-aged.  I’m talking about teenagers with back problems, and children who need to lose the fifteen pounds they put on during lockdown.

            This pandemic didn’t just hurt the health of those who caught the virus.  It has resulted in a world of severely out-of-shape folks.  In fact, from what I can see, it’s only the wealthy few who are still looking “Hollywood-Fit,” what with gym equipment in their homes or biking in mountains.  But for the rest of you guys?  It’s time for some help!

            Oh, but wait – there’s another bunch who also look as fit as in 2019.  Animals!  The dogs and cats and antelopes lemurs all look just fine!  Why is that?

            Well, because our lifestyles didn’t change all that much.  In fact, a lot of us pets found the lockdowns meant we got more walks and fun-time with our humans than before.  But even those who didn’t have that luck are doing fine. 

            So what can we teach you guys about how to regain your fitness?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Shift Positions

I’ve told you about my friend Aria, who suffered a lot before getting a great home, but still has to work to trust others the way I do?  One other difference between us is that she is a better hunter than I.  You see, I run around the yard, finding squirrels, birds, whatever, and barking at them while I chase them.  She’s cooler than that.  She finds a place to lie down and make herself almost invisible.  And then she waits, still.  For hours.  Doesn’t worry about birds or lizards.  And only jumps up when a squirrel comes close, and then explodes in speed after it.  And so she catches them a lot more than I do!

But while she’s waiting, she still moves – just a very little.  She’ll lie in one position for a half-hour or so, and then, making sure no one sees her, she’ll shift – maybe lie on her other side, or sit up a bit – just enough to change the way her body’s weight is held.  This keeps her able to bounce up when she wants to.

But most of the humans I’ve seen have spent the last year doing all their work in front of a computer, seated in the same chair.  And then, for entertainment… watched movies or shows or played games… in the same chair, on the same computer!  And now you’re wondering why your spines are trashed?  NOTHING in nature lives that way!  And you’re not supposed to! 

Whatever your job or interest is, don’t stay in one position.  Move around.  If you have to stay in front of a computer, have that chair, and also a ball you can sit on, and even stand for part of the day too.  And if you don’t have to stay in one place, move around a lot.  Keep your body in motion as much as you can. 

Aria may be still for nine-tenths of the day, but her figure is perfect and she has no muscle aches.  Be like her, at the least!

• Stretch More

You know what else you see us dogs, and cats, do all day?  STRETCH!  If you like doing yoga, that’s of course wonderful – and I wish I could get into some of those cooler positions I see yogis do! – but even if you’re not, stretch a LOT!  Try to touch your toes, or even better, sit on the ground with your back against a wall and try to stretch your legs out.  Bend to the side, bend back, pull your feet up behind you to stretch the fronts of your legs… all this is so good!  Not just in the morning either – do it a few times every day.  (And this doesn’t stop – I recommend this one till the day you come to meet us all in the great beyond!)

• Make Time

One big problem I saw before the pandemic was everyone being so stressed out and pushed for time.  “I can’t talk, I’ll be late for work,” or “I can’t think about that, I have too much on my mind.”  Or my biggest irritant, “I can’t walk you today, Shirelle, I have too many emails to respond to.” 

Well if you want to know what takes a lot of time, try having a damaged back, or bad knees, from lack of fitness.  Or a weak heart from lack of cardio exercise. 

You HAVE the time.  The problem is priorities.  What CAN you give up to make sure you have a half-hour (or more) every day to take care of your body?  Nothing is actually more important.

And here’s the funny part.  Once you start taking care of yourself, you’ll find you have more energy and alertness, so your work goes more efficiently.  And you’ll sleep better (more about that later).  So making time for exercise will actually GIVE you time, over time!

• Choose Exercise You Enjoy

And here’s another area where we dogs are SO much smarter than you people!  I don’t run around barking at every passing dog because I’m afraid they’re going to break through our fence and attack Handsome!  And Aria doesn’t chase squirrels because she’s starving!  We do these because they’re FUN! 

If you’ve found that, over the past year, you’ve been miserable attending classes on Zoom, and then doing online homework, but then sooo happy to play Minecraft for hours, what’s the difference?  Your Enjoyment!  Right?

So why do I see people spending all their exercise time on things they hate – Sit-Ups or Weights or whatever?  While others are joyously keeping just as fit by swimming or playing golf or… Hello?!… walking their dogs!  And if there’s nothing that really suits you that makes you sweat?  Then find the way to make it fun.  Go to a gym that has stationary bikes in front of a television, while there’s a show you like on.  Or listen to a podcast you love while running. 

My goal is for you to find something you enjoy so much that you look forward to it all day.  Or perhaps that you love the way you feel afterwards so much that you bounce out of bed in the morning so you can get to it and feel great as your day begins. 

Whatever it is, from the moment puppies and kittens and babies are born, we all love to play, using our bodies.  Find that in yourself again, however works for you.

• Find Other Sweetness

You want to know who’s done well in the pandemic?  Sure everyone talks about Zoom and Netflix and such.  But I’ll bet you the sugar producers have had their best year ever too!  Everyone seems to have had a sweeter and sweeter diet, with more and more snacking.  And guess what excess sugar does to you – besides rotting your teeth and possibly causing diabetes?  It inflames your muscles and ligaments!  Yes, that pain you’re in isn’t just because your spine is shrinking and you can’t sit up anymore.  It’s also because parts of you that are working well simply hurt now!  So start cutting back on that candy and those soft drinks, and you’ll find things improve right away

• Lose the Pandemic Diet

“Wait,” you say.  “Didn’t she just talk about eating?”  Sure I did, but only about sweets.  Your next job is to change the bad eating habits you fell into during the lockdown.  Maybe before this, you used to have three meals a day and one afternoon snack.  I’m betting that changed!  Now there’s a morning snack and three afternoon ones and then a couple after supper?  Right?

Funny, we dogs didn’t get that change!  We’re still eating the way we did before the lockdown (well, with maybe a few extra treats since you’re around us more).  And so we’re looking fine, while you have to lose your new tummies!

Maybe you’ve been able to keep a healthy food regimen through this time, but even if so, now it’s time to cut back on the snacks.  And if your food has also gotten junkier, then it’s definitely time to improve that.

And one more note on that:  Worldwide, one of the biggest effects of the lockdown has been people increasing their amount of mind-altering substances.  Alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, anything like this.  I’m not going to tell you whether or not you need to stop them completely (though I have an enormous respect for anyone who does), but if you’re using them more than you were a year and a half ago, your FIRST JOB is to cut way back on them now!  You’ve probably built up tolerance for them, which means that using enough to feel good is now being rougher on your liver and lungs than before.  And the police who arrest people for their blood-alcohol content don’t care a bit about the fact that you can tolerate more than you could two years ago. 

So cut back on all.  And life will get better and better and better.  I guarantee it!

• Keep the Sleep

My final recommendation isn’t about changing back to the way you were before the lockdown.  It’s the opposite.

Sleep deprivation used to be one of our greatest health problems.  But during the pandemic, everyone started sleeping in more.  Don’t need to drive the kids to school in the morning?  Great, that’s a half hour!  Don’t need to go to work yourself, or even dress up for it?  Greater, that’s another hour!  Can take a nap in the afternoon because school ended early?  Heaven!

So while everybody got a little shorter and a little chubbier, they also started sleeping as much as they needed for the first time in decades!

Once again, I’ll say – look to your pets.  We sleep through the night with you, but also take lots of naps through the day.  What can you do to help yourself keep sleeping enough?  Can you give yourself a nap?  Can you turn off your electronics at a decent hour to make up for having to get up earlier again? 

And if you remember, I pointed out earlier that getting exercise will help you sleep better.  You know what else will?  Changing positions, stretching, exercising, eating less junk, and especially reducing mind-altering substances.  In other words, everything I talked about here! 

So maybe you’ll find that you can still sleep enough, while sleeping a little bit less!  But it’s the “enough” that matters to me.  And will, in the long run, matter to you.

Maybe some of these suggestions aren’t what you need right now.  But I’m betting that, as life begins to get social and crowded again, some of these will help you.

But really, all I’m suggesting is that you do what you need so that this next year can be the happiest of your life.

Because you guys have earned it!!!

0 How to teach faith to teenagers starting to question everything

OfA asks:

I teach teenagers in church, but recently they have become increasingly difficult to manage, questioning everything. What can I change to make them cooperate? The age range is 14 -16, boys and girls. P.S: I am a mother of two teenagers, a boy and a girl.

Hi OfA –

            I love your question.  Because you’re getting at such an important aspect of the development of humans!  When we puppies are first put on leashes, we have no idea what to do, and fall down, or pull, or whatever, in complete confusion.  But later, as we learn what we’re supposed to do and how leashes work, we start to actively, knowingly, fight against them.  We’ll pull away, try to walk ahead of our people, take the leash in our mouths – anything to feel in control.  That doesn’t make us bad dogs; it’s fully normal and actually a sign of character and intelligence.  Sure, it has to be “trained out” of us, but it’s nothing of any concern.

            Similarly, humans go through two main stages when growing up, when they’re just oppositional as anything.  The first is, famously, around two years old, what’s often called “the terrible Twos.”  That’s when you guys learn the ability to say “No,” and all hell breaks loose.  You become obstinate, demanding, and refusing of all sorts of things.  And if your parenting is good, this is a time when you learn both your strengths and the limits of your strength, the joy of expression and the importance of boundaries.  And you start to get along pretty well with your parents and other authority figures.  And that lasts, oh maybe about ten years.  And then…

            Teenage hits!  After the comparatively healthy experience of childhood, humans get to a point where their bodies change, their interests change, and their brains grow – and suddenly they experience the really odd sensation of being neither children nor adults, or maybe it’s both children and adults.  And they hit a wonderful frustration where they realize that everything they took for granted as children (that their parents are right about everything, that their society’s rules all make sense, that theirs is the only acceptable religion, etc.) might not be completely true.  And so they enter a time of doubt.  Of questioning everything.  And, usually, of deciding that everything they’ve ever been told is actually false!

This period lasts a few years, after which, if all goes well, the young adults start to actually think for themselves.  No longer are Mom and Dad always right, or always wrong, but rather… well, I’ll defer to Mark Twain on this one, who famously said, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Now you’re dealing with this struggle on two fronts.  First, as a parent.  But it sounds as though you’re managing that one pretty well.  But then, as a teacher in a church!  Where of course your job involves teaching things that are based in faith – which means always open to question!

How can anyone do it?

Well I have one answer – by encouraging just that sort of thinking.  By siding with the doubting, questioning, minds of the teens instead of struggling against them.

Look at yourself.  You sound like an intelligent person (especially as ONLY the most intelligent people join my Pack!).  Have you never questioned the teachings of your faith?  How did you arrive at the conclusions that made you devout enough to teach them yourself?  Your job is to help your students through that process. 

Besides, I don’t know what faith you work in, but doesn’t it include doubt in its teachings?  Judaism includes the story of Job, who questioned how badly his life was going.  Christianity includes Jesus’ times of doubt, as well as countless stories of the doubts of the apostles and saints.  And both of those and Islam all include the story of Abraham’s questioning of the order to kill his son.  And of course the Buddha went through years of indulgence in everything other than the wisdom he eventually learned!

So I’d start with these sorts of parables – how did others in your faith’s history contend with doubt, with questioning?

And then I’d go even deeper.  What do your students question about the faith itself?  For example, in the book of Genesis, there are two completely different versions of the story of creation.  Can both be accurate?  If not, how do you explain that?  What’s the history of the writing of your main texts?  Did they come out at different times?  Who is on record as writing them?  Are there issues of translation?

Do you see what I’m doing?  I’m engaging the curiosity, the questioning, the impassioned teenagehood of the students.  I’m telling them that they’re absolutely right to be in the mindset they’re in.  And as such, I’m letting them know that they’re miracles of creation just as they are… just as your church does!  Doing this gives them a reason to actually accept the teachings of your faith, because it has allowed them room to question, and yes, to doubt.

            Anyway, it’s worth a try.  See what happens.  If it doesn’t work, you won’t be any worse off than you were.

            And if it does?  Well then you’ll find your students saying “I can’t believe how much OfA learned in one week!”

            Best of Luck!  Please let me know how it goes!

            Shirelle

0 How to stop resenting that you always help others

Soumyaguna asks:

I am really happy that I have built myself up and taken away all the negative aspects of my life, and began to be busy in my working schedule. BUT, I am unable to take off the part of helping each and every one who is around me. They just use me for their sake and just vanish. I tried hard to not to interfere in into anyone’s problem but then I end up jumping into them and finding a solution, eventually hurting myself all again. Anyways these are part of life, I understand, but recently I was diagnosed with this weird disease, i.e VITILIGO. I’m very depressed due to this fact, I can’t look myself in mirror and above that I’m all alone in this. My parents just poke me every single day even after knowing, and they just don’t understand my feelings. They just think about their own. At times I feel like not being here anymore, but then I make myself strong and try to overcome it… but now, It’s getting too much for me. I can’t take this anymore, I am aware of the fact that there is no treatment for the same, but then my parents tend to poke and never really miss the chance of hurting me. Being in that state I am unable to stay the way I am. I never used to apply makeup on my skin – everyone used to say I don’t need that – but now I have to apply it to hide the vitiligo scars and my parents blame me for this; they say it’s because you used to see yourself in mirror and such.

0 How to stay positive in a negative-minded world

Katarina asks:

How does one stay positive when everything around seems so negative?

Hi Katarina –

            Out of all the questions you could have asked, about any topic, you have picked probably my favorite!  Because if there’s one thing we dogs are better at than humans (well, besides hearing, smelling, and biting), it’s this!

            Some dogs live in fear.  I’ve written a lot about my friend Aria, who’s suffered abandonment, beatings, all sorts of awful stuff.  And while she’s sweet and loving, and happy in her new home, she’ll always be scared of “worst circumstances.”  But even with that, she’ll never be “negative,” in the way people can be.

            You see, the problem with you people is that your brains are too big!  You remember so much about the past, and analyze it so much, and think so much about the future.  And you create.  You write novels and symphonies and design buildings and computer coding and put your imaginations on canvases and movie screens – all of which is just wonderful.  But that same creativity means you’re always going to be trying to figure out “what’s next.” 

            Now if your life had always been happy and joyous, that “what next” might be wondering what delights will come to you tomorrow.  You’ve always had great friends?  Well tomorrow you might meet someone just as flawless you fall in love with.  You’ve always been lucky and respected?  Then tomorrow you might get a high-paying job you’ll love.  You’ve always been attractive?  Tomorrow you might get even more gorgeous!

            But no one, and yes I mean no one, gets that life.  By the time you’re a year old, you’ve felt terror, betrayal, abandonment, and awful pain (between being born, weaning, and diaper rash, it’s a guarantee!).  Want to learn not to trust those you love?  Experience your parents telling you they’re having another child.  Want to know cruel deprivation?  Your babysitter says no you can’t stop for ice cream.  Want to know assault?  Your doctor gives you a lifesaving injection.

            In other words, things that are perfectly fine, even wonderful, can feel awful.  And your brain, in order to protect you from being surprised and devastated by these things, learns to assume the worst.  And with that, you become pessimistic and overall negative.

            A few years ago, Handsome met a woman and they both liked each other at once, and started dating.  And of course they both had other things going on in their lives.  But whenever he would change a date – “Oh I forgot I have to work late that afternoon, do you still want to meet for dinner” or “Hey my cousin’s going to be in town that day for just a few hours, can we meet another night?” – she would always respond, “Yeah, right.”  Like she knew he was lying.  Even though he wasn’t.

            And because of this, eventually he broke things off.  Not that she was mean to him – she was actually very nice to him considering she “knew” he was lying to her! But rather he just didn’t want to be in a relationship where he was assumed to be lying all the time, when he was actually telling the truth!

            Was she bad?  No, but clearly she’d been disappointed, and lied to, so many times in the past that she had learned to expect it.  She had been programmed into negativity!  Which made her not just believe negatively (as Aria does) but act negatively and thereby create a negative world around her.  She made Handsome, who had felt positively about her, feel negatively, and end their relationship!  And then be on the lookout for other women to do the same thing, so he could get out more quickly if they did!  Yes – her negativity made him more negative!

            And while she’s a particularly obvious case, all people share this.  This is the basis of all prejudice, when you think of it – people learn to believe this group of people is sneaky, that group is dumb, and that group is evil… while there’s always lots of proof that those beliefs are wrong.

            So what can you, or any human, do?  You can’t eliminate your own intelligence and live as much in the moment as a pup. 

            But you can make a choice.  You can choose, more than we can. 

            For example, if you were in that woman’s situation, you could think “I imagine he’s on a date with someone else.  But even if he is, that’s okay, as I’ll see him afterward.  After all, we’re just beginning our relationship; we’re not committed or anything yet.”  Or “He says he’s with his cousin.  Maybe I’ll call and see if I can talk with that cousin!  I’ll just tell Handsome that I want to find out what his family thinks of him!”  And then when Handsome does laughingly hand the phone to his cousin, who talks him up, she’ll know he wasn’t lying.  (Or if he got nervous and said no she couldn’t, she’d have every reason to keep doubting him).

            Here’s the truth – bad luck will come along.  It always does.  You’d be dumb to deny that.  But your life is worse if you spend all your time worrying about it!  Good things also come along, and that negativity can take away the joy they bring.  “Yes I just found a pot of gold and will be rich forever, but I know my friend still won’t return my call!”

            Look at it this way.  You don’t know exactly how long you have to live, but it’s a finite time, right?  Maybe you have ninety years ahead of you, and maybe just ninety hours.  But either way, it will end.  Would you rather spend them happier and hopeful, or mired in suspicion?  And would you rather people know you as someone who spreads joy or someone to avoid? 

            That’s your choice.

            You can’t control fate, but you can control what you choose to focus on.  When I first step out of our house in the morning I tend to stop, blown away by all in front of me.  The smells, the sounds, the sights, the feel.  I’m overwhelmed by all the new, the possible.  While most people rush out their door, griping about whatever is in between them and their car, not absorbing any of it.

            You say in your question, Katarina, that “everything around seems so negative.”  I say you’re right, but the most important word in there is “SEEMS.”  What about looking for the opposite?

            There’s a cold miserable storm outside?  Focus on the fact you have shelter.  You get a flat tire?  Focus on the fact that you know either you or someone else will repair it.  You have no food to eat?  Focus on the fact that you almost certainly will later.  You have no money?  Focus on how you can get some.

            Again, I’m not asking you to be unrealistic.  That storm is cold, that tire is flat, you’re hungry and broke!  But focusing on the negative means things will stay that way, while focusing on the positive enables change and improvement.

             And here’s the strangest thing about this way of living: you won’t be wrong!  For example, let’s say someone you love is ill with a potentially fatal disease.  You could choose to focus on the negative, assume they’re dying, and start grieving now.  Or you could focus on the fact that the doctors give them a 20% chance of survival, and do anything you can to help make that happen.  Now what will happen if they die?  Will you be “wrong?”  Nope.  You’ll still be right.  You had focused on hope, and now they’re truly gone.  And you can grieve your heart out.  But their last days alive were better because you were full of love and hope and appreciation.

            Katarina I’m not saying this is easy.  It’s not.  But it is, I truly believe, the best way to live. 

            It sure works for me!

            Wishing you the very best,

            Shirelle

0 If a person is pushing for my attention, are they actually interested in me too?

Ars asks:

I liked a girl from a very long time ago whom I know about and she also knows about me and over the years I fallen for her. Then one day I confessed my feelings to her, that I like her and I am in love and all, and she rejected me. Now she is showing interest in me – she texts me and even she feels jealous of me being with another girls or hanging out and posting pictures which she doesn’t like. Yes, I had a thought that she is wanting my attention but she even asked for a date with me on a phone call since we are not living too close to each other, and she always asks if I have another girlfriend or not. She also friend-zoned me, telling that we can be friends, but she always complains that I am not talking to her for too long and shows jealous behavior also when I am with another girl, and talks about my interests and… all confusing behavior. Shirelle. is there any chance of a mind change or is she an attention seeker? Please help me out.

Hi Ars –

            So I think I want to restate your question.  Because there is no doubt that she wants attention.  But is that all she wants?  That’s what matters.

            When Handsome was a child, he and his parents went to a shelter to see about getting a dog.  They passed a good-looking one in a cage who was pawing at the gate, trying to get out.  But when the worker opened the gate, the dog backed up, scared.  The worker said that this showed that the dog was smart – he knew he wanted out, but didn’t know whether he could trust them.  Over time, the dog proved to be great, and very friendly.

            Is that this girl?  When you told her your feelings, did she just back up out of initial nervousness, but then, over time, learn to trust you, and then start wanting your loving attention more and more?  Really hoping, like that pooch, to have as much of you as she can?

            Or is she someone who isn’t really interested in you, but likes attention?  So when you expressed desire for a relationship, she (with honesty) said no.  But then, as you (nobly) stepped away, she went “Wait, but I like you being interested in me, and I don’t want you to stop – even if I’m not going to actually accept you!”

            And here’s my bad news:  I have no idea which of those is true.

            But I have a suggestion.  You see, Ars, I’m a big believer that life is only worth living if you take chances for good things.  Especially when the risk is low. 

            Now if, say, you had a crush on a famous movie star, and you thought, “I know what to do – I’m going to break into her home, sneak up to her bedroom, and before she awakens, tie her up, so she’ll stay and listen to me and learn how I love her and she’ll fall in love with me and we’ll live happily ever after,” I might suggest that that’s not such a good idea. 

            But should you ask out a woman you have loved, who’s expressing interest in you now?  What might you lose?  A little pride if she says no?  (Certainly you’d lose a lot less than you would for breaking, entering, and assault of a movie star!)

            In fact, I’d even argue that you’d gain more than you’d lose either way.  If she agrees to date you and is everything you’ve ever dreamt, then GREAT!  And if she flakes out on you?  Then you have the answer to your question, and can move on from this (while being very grateful that you learned this in such an easy way).

            So my suggestion is to go right back to her, ask her on a date, and see what happens. 

            And then my request is to PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

            Best of Luck!  I’m very hopeful!

            Shirelle

0 Should one be the “giver” in a relationship?

hey hey peg asks:

I have been dating this guy for 9 months and lately I haven’t been feeling that great about my relationship. I just want to know if I am in an emotionally healthy relationship or not. Since we started dating this guy has stopped texting me first. I am always the one who is supposed to text him first and he has never given me a clear reason for that. Sometimes when he is angry he says some stuff which really hurts me, and he has also blamed me for his anger a few times, even though I didn’t do anything.  But he does apologize when he realizes his mistake. We also communicate less because I am sick of always texting and calling him first. Sometimes I just feel he doesn’t care about me anymore, and it hurts very bad. He also fails to understand that I have problems in my life too; he thinks my life is sorted but it’s not. And lately we have been fighting a lot. He gets mad a lot due to his studies and responsibilities, so I try to understand his moods, but sometimes I feel there is no one who understands me the way I try to understand and support people. I am always so kind and nice to everyone, I always care about everyone, but when I feel alone there is no one to understand me. I have to deal with all that crap on my own, always. I feel like I should stop caring about everything, but no matter how much I try I can’t. I am not like that. I have always been taught to care, to help. I feel confused. Is this relationship healthy? Should I stop caring about everyone?

Hi hey hey peg –

In a way it looks like you’re asking two questions here, but actually I think it’s just one.  If I understand correctly, you’re asking whether it’s right or wrong to be “the giver” all the time in relationships – whether romantic or other kinds.  And my easy answer is: Only If You Want To.

Let me explain. Like most dogs, I love doing things for others.  I love guarding my yard, I love giving Handsome hundreds of licks when he’s feeling down, and of course I love helping out my Pack members here.  I don’t receive anything back for this, and I don’t want to; I just love doing it for the sake of doing it.

However, I also get lots of nice things in life.  Handsome takes care of me and makes sure I have food and shelter and all the love he can give.  And you guys make me feel a hundred feet tall when I’m able to help you.  So it works out.

But in other areas, there is a give-and-take in life.  When Handsome takes me for a walk, I know he can’t stop at every smell I find interesting, but I need to stop sometimes, and need him to be okay with it.  Also, when we greet each other, we shower each other with affection – it’s not just me licking him or just him petting me.  And if one of these situations became one-sided, I’d be bothered.

Like you.

What I see as wrong in your relationship is that it’s all about what he wants at any time.  He feels okay blowing up at you in anger, and then is okay with apologizing when he realizes something wasn’t your fault.  Well what about him holding back on those blow-ups, or even better, checking in with you to see if he ought to blow up or not?  And what’s this nonsense about you always being the one to text first?  Does he never miss you, or wonder how your day went, or just have something he wants to say or ask?

And in the rest of your life, it sounds like a similar situation.  You feel like you’re the one doing all the caring, and no one is caring about you.  Well that’s an awful feeling! 

Now I don’t know that no one cares about you, or that your boyfriend isn’t interested in you.  But it’s clear that neither he nor your other friends are making you feel cared about!  And you need that!

So my suggestion is to do a mix of pulling back on all the giving you’re doing, and letting these people know what you need.  For example, with your boyfriend, just tell him, “Hi, I’m guessing you want some space, so I won’t bother you till you tell me you want to check in with me.”  And when he asks what gave you that idea, just say “Well, you never text me; you just wait for me to text you.  So I figure that must be proof of something.”  And see what happens.

And similarly, when you feel you’re giving too much to your friends or family, just pull back, and give what feels right.  And if someone asks why you’re not doing more, just explain that you don’t like feeling like you’re giving more than they are. 

But there’s one important part of all this, that might be really difficult: try to say these things to these people WITH NO SENSE OF BLAME OR RESENTMENT.  Just be as casual and friendly as you can. 

It’s like when I’ve played fetch with some children who get the idea of fake-throwing the ball to watch me chase after it and get frustrated.  They think it’s hilarious the first time they do it, so they keep doing it, till, at some point, I stop running for it.  I don’t growl or snarl at them, I just cheerfully walk away and do something else, since they’re not playing the way I like.  And that changes them!  They stop trying to trick me.  Instead, they start actually throwing the ball, hoping I’ll be willing to restart the game the way it was before!

And that’s what I’m hoping for for you.  That your boyfriend starts texting you, and stops putting unfair blames on you.  And that your friends and family stop expecting you to do way more than they do.

Except – and I’m repeating my first point here – Except when you want to do more than is returned.  When you want to just give and give and love the feeling of giving.  I sure don’t want to get in the way of that!

Because it feels so good to do!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to tell if your relationship is getting more mature or stale

PERFECTION asks:

It’s been 10 months already with my beloved girlfriend and some things are kind of  different. We still hang out, have dates, kiss and all those intimate things, but in social media it’s kind of lowkey. She’s not mentioning me that much, yet she still posts something about us, no more flood of likes.  Anyway, my question is how can I tell if we both have grown into our relationship more strong and mature than before, rather than its fading away? What’s the difference?

Hi PERFECTION –

I have an answer for you, but it’s not exactly answering your question.  

The fact is, you are a deeply questioning person.  That’s why we get along so well!  Other people look at a situation, see it in the simplest way possible, and assume they’re correct, and don’t give it another thought.

That’s not you.  And it never will be.

You are a questioner, and a wonderer, and yes, a worrier!  You will always look at situations and say “It looks like ________, but it also could be ___________, and it even might be _____________, or something else I haven’t even thought of!”

And because of that, you are questioning whether your relationship getting more relaxed, less anxious, is a sign of build-up or break-down.  

And here’s the bad answer:  I don’t know!

But I’ll make a guess.  I’m going to guess it’s Both!

As relationships become more stable, some excitement is lost.  When Handsome first brought me home from the pound I was terrified he wouldn’t like me, and so thrilled about him, and making mistakes like peeing in the house that made him angry, and he was just as worried about me.  But then things got better.  Way better.  I knew the rules and followed them, and I knew he loved me and wasn’t going to send me back.  And he trusted that I was going to stick around and mostly do what he said.

Which was wonderful… and kind of boring.  So then it got to where I might not care whether he was in the house or not, or he didn’t worry if he had to stay away longer.  We started taking each other for granted.  And then little things that annoyed us about each other (my shedding, or his hugging me too tight) got to mean more to us.  And at times we didn’t even feel we totally liked each other!

But then we’d realize we were the best thing that had ever happened in our lives, and suddenly adore each other even better than before.

And this has happened more times than I can count – and maybe more times than Handsome can!

So what should you do?  If you think your relationship is losing a little spark, do something to make it more exciting again.  I know it’s hard during this lockdown, but maybe take her to see something neither of you have seen before, or tell her something about you that she doesn’t know.  Whatever might help.

And here’s the big deal, PERFECTION – couples need to do this kind of thing all through the happiest of marriages.  It’s very important, and more common than you can imagine.

So what makes me so very happy about your letter is that you guys are THAT good!  Good enough to worry about how to keep the excitement up!

I couldn’t be happier.  I hope that’s true of you and her as well!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to move past an idealized love that didn’t work out

Icarus to Fly asks:

I deeply love a girl. I had been in relationship with her. She wanted a break last summer. Since then we talked every day on regular basis. But now she is into a senior. They are together. What should I do to earn her back?
Recently I commented on one of her post, she deleted my comment as her current boyfriend poked her about me. I feel lost. I need help to get things right.

Hi Icarus to Fly –

You are experiencing something we all go through in life.  Yes, even us dogs. 

We all know, starting very young, what it’s like to want something we can’t have.  Every child wants ice cream at a time no one will give it to them.  Every dog wants a small animal they can’t catch.  And the smartest children want every puppy they ever meet, many which of course live with other people who would never give them up!

We also know what it’s like to feel something is ours.  A toy we were given, a bed we sleep in.  Or a parent or caretaker.  “That’s MY mommy!” we’ll hear, a child’s most impassioned cry – or the yelp of a dog when its person comes home and embraces them, making us feel complete.

These are perfectly fine emotions.  If we didn’t want things outside us we’d starve to death, and if we didn’t have things we consider our own, we’d have no attachments at all.

The problem comes when they cross over.  I just hate it when my human friend Handsome fawns over another dog.  It feels wrong, like I’ve lost him (which is never the case; he loves me more than his own life, and tells me so all the time).  And any child whose parents then bring new children into the home knows a devastation they might not ever experience again in life – even though they might end up loving their new siblings more than they could ever imagine.

What’s happened with you is that you loved, and still love, this girl in a way that you feel she’s yours, but she’s not feeling the same way about you, so she’s not.  It’s like the difference between when I see Handsome open a can – which usually means dog food for me – and him tell me “No, this is part of our dinner, you’ll get fed later.”  I know it’s mine, but he’s saying it’s not, but I know it’s mine, but he’s saying it’s not…   So much worse a feeling than just seeing him eat something I would like.  It feels like betrayal to me, when he’s not intending that at all.

Now of course it doesn’t take me long to get over him putting that canned food into whatever he’s cooking.  Whereas you love this girl so much you’re still attached to her after nearly a year.

What you need to do is to grieve her.  She’s gone.  Or rather, she’s alive, but the her that was yours is gone.

Imagine what you’d do if she had moved across the world, or even died.  You’d go through sadness, anger, depression… and eventually move on to where you could get interested in someone new.  That’s what you need to do now.

Of course it’s incredibly difficult to do that with her right there in front of you, though!  And are you jealous of that senior she’s with?  Of course you are!  And likely will be for a while.

But what I find is, if you’re willing to give up on her, something interesting always happens.  You start to feel better.  In fact, you start to feel a lot better.

Maybe you begin to realize, “Wow, she’s been really cold to me for months.  I’ve been in great pain and she hasn’t cared at all.  I deserve someone who’s more caring than that!”  Or perhaps, “She likes that senior because he’s got money and can drive.  I hadn’t realized she’s so shallow!  I want a girlfriend with more depth!”  Or, best of all, “I’m so lucky that she gave me room to keep looking, because now I’ve found someone so much better!”

But that will come with time.  What you need now is to focus on one simple fact.  Maybe everything else about this girl is perfect in your eyes, but she has one simple flaw:  She isn’t into you. 

Imagine you bought a puppy who was smart and beautiful and healthy, but would angrily bite you whenever you approached it, and then run away in fear, hating you.  Would you call that your ideal dog?  I doubt it.  Well that’s what she’s done.  In fact, she’s hurt you more than a puppy ever could!

So my friend, my simple advice is to move on and let her go.

After all, she may seem as bright as sunshine to you now, but Icarus was a lot better off when he stayed away from the sun, right?  There’s such a wonderful world of places (and girls) for you to fly to instead!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re attached to someone with ambivalent feelings

Rebel Kid asks:

Lately I’ve been really upset. I met a girl online 7 months ago and we both like each other. 6 months ago she asked me out but broke up with me two days later because she thought we do not know each other enough and that she’s a terrible person and she might break my heart. I was really hurt cause I actually fell for her, but after a few days things became better.  We started talking and after a while we even told each other how we just want to touch each other and feel each other and how it’s getting hard to stay away. But suddenly she stopped texting me often. She said she likes my art but doesn’t like it when it’s dedicated to her. I thought she doesn’t love herself and maybe I could change that. I tried by not dedicating my art to her too often, and things were again fine. But since a month ago we haven’t been talking properly. I put in all my efforts because I love her, but I feel she doesn’t and she even admitted it. She said half of her heart wants to hold on but other half wants to let go, and she doesn’t understand why people stay – she says she can be alone for the rest of her life. I can’t stop thinking about her, I stop myself from texting her but sometimes I just do which leads to a dead conversation. I really don’t know what to say to her now that she clearly stated that she’s confused and she doesn’t know if she even wants to talk to me. She says it’s her and not me. I always understood, but now I feel like I was just time passing for her and now when she’s bored with me she doesn’t want to stay. It makes me feel terrible and I can’t even take out my anger cause I love her so much that I can’t even think of hurting her by my words. What should I do?

Hi Rebel Kid –

My friend, you are a victim of something called Ambivalence.  We dogs are pretty incapable of it – we have strong feelings about everything.  But humans, with your larger brains, often seem to experience it.  How did you feel about school last year?  Oh it was okay, some was great and some was boring and most was all right.  How do you feel about your parents’ car?  Oh it’s okay, it’s not a cool Corvette but it’s not a boring whatever either.  And, dear miss, what do you think of Rebel Kid?  Oh I love him but I don’t want to be with him and I’m not sure I even want to talk with him…

It’s got to just drive you nuts!

Now it’s totally natural for you to put a lot of effort into figuring out what’s going on with her, and why she acts this way. 

But here’s my bad news – it won’t matter.

Maybe she’s afraid of commitment because her parents had a horrible divorce and she doesn’t trust long-term relationships.  Maybe she’s afraid of her own feelings, especially about physical intimacy.  Maybe there’s something about you she doesn’t like or can’t accept, but she doesn’t want to tell you about it.

But finding out about any of these won’t make her want the relationship you want.  Or rather, it might over time, but I doubt you want to wait years for her.

So my advice, which is painful I know, is to let go.  To acknowledge that you two almost had a really great relationship, which shows that you are fully capable of having one with someone else, but that she is not.  At least not now.

Think of what it would be like (I know this sounds very rough) if you were in a wonderful romance with someone just right for you and she suddenly died.  That would be horrible, right?  Devastating.  You’d cry and grieve and miss her like anything.  And then… at some point, you’d move on.  You’d find someone else, and while they’d never be exactly the same as she’d been, your relationship could be just as good.

Well that’s what’s happened to you.  Because you and this girl had so much you liked about each other, you experienced being in a perfect relationship.  But that perfect part of her died, went away.  She wasn’t able to keep it there. 

So while the good news is that the actual person is still alive, you still need to grieve the relationship just as you would have if she weren’t.

Because – and here’s my main point – what matters isn’t the underlying reasons for the way she’s treating you… it’s that you deserve to be treated better.  Even she says so. 

So be a little selfish, and move on.  It doesn’t mean that you two can’t be friends, or even get together at a later time when she’s more capable.

But for right now, it sounds like she’s being very honest about her ambivalence – feeling more than one way about you at the same time.  And the most respectful thing you can do in return for her honesty is to accept what she says, and kindly, lovingly, step away.

Even if it hurts. 

Because the more it hurts, the more it shows how capable you are of love.  And that love should be given to someone who can happily receive it.

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 He’s a Tramp! … the hardest quality to attain

Over all the years I’ve run this website, I’ve talked about lots of movies – some good, some great, some maybe not so great.  But I’ve always insisted on one being my favorite.  My favorite love story, my favorite musical, my favorite everything.  And with the sexiest, most charming leading male ever.  Of course I’m talking about Lady and the Tramp.

This glorious animated feature is often considered one of Walt Disney’s better films (though not as historically important as his masterpieces from a decade or so earlier), but what matters to me is that it’s still the best movie about dogs ever.

Now don’t get me wrong.  There are lots of excellent movies that have dogs in them.  And a number of terrific movies about “a” dog.  But most of those are movies about humans, who have dogs in their world. 

But Lady and the Tramp is really about us.  How we live, what we value, and what we like to do.  Is it maybe a bit anthropomorphic (a long word that means animals do things that in real life only people do)?  Sure.  Like when the dogs can read!  But overall, it gets more right than wrong.

And biggest of all, it gets our single most important quality right. 

(Now I’m going to admit, what I say after this kind of requires you to have seen it.  So if you never have, you might want to catch it before you read on.  And if you do, he bigger screen you can see it on, the better – as it was made for the wide screens of the 1950s.)

If it’s been a while since you’ve caught it, the story surrounds a cocker spaniel puppy that a couple adopts and raises in their very nice home in a very nice neighborhood.  They name her Lady, which she most certainly is.  Her best friends are her neighbors Jock, a Scottie, and Trusty, an aging bloodhound.  Her life is bland and simple until the day a stray mutt, Tramp, shows up in her yard.  They like each other at once, but he insults her domestic life, and his rudeness repels her.

Soon after that, her humans have a baby, and start ignoring Lady a bit.  But when they go on a vacation, they leave the home and baby in the care of their dog-phobic Aunt Sarah.  Her cats try to destroy the house, and Lady stops them, but gets blamed for it and taken to a pet store to get muzzled, and runs away. 

Chased by some mean dogs, she’s rescued by Tramp, who takes her to a zoo to get her muzzle chewed off, and then shows her his fun carefree lifestyle, famously including eating spaghetti at an Italian restaurant, till they’re chased by a dog catcher, who nabs Lady.  Terrified in the pound, she meets other dogs, all who know and tell her about Tramp, and in particular about how many girlfriends he’s had.

Aunt Sarah frees her, but chains her to the doghouse in her yard.  Tramp shows up and tries to explain that he hadn’t abandoned her, but she wants nothing to do with him, until they spy a large rat entering the baby’s room.  Tramp gets into the house and barely wins a fight-to-the-death with the horrific vermin.  But when Aunt Sarah finds him, thinking he had attacked the baby, she calls the dog catcher to take him to the pound and put him down!

Lady tells Jock and Trusty what’s happened, and they run to catch the pound’s truck, while Lady’s humans, returning from their trip, discover the rat and realize Tramp’s heroism.  Jock and Trusty stop the truck in time, but Trusty is run over, leaving Jock in tears.

Then that Christmas, Lady’s owners bestow the now fully domesticated Tramp with a license, while their puppies play with their favorite neighbors, Jock and Trusty, who turns out to only have suffered a broken leg.

It’s good, isn’t it!  And I didn’t even get to the songs!

Looking at this movie today, there’s a lot to talk about.  Yeah, Tramp’s still my ideal fellow, but I can get a bit annoyed at how Lady’s always needing to be rescued by some male or another.  And the movie could even be called – in its own weird way – a little racist, with its evil Siamese cats singing in Chinese accents, its buffoonishly emotional Italian chefs, and its cliché’d images in the pound of Germans (the dachshund), Mexicans (a chihuahua), and even a Russian Wolfhound who quotes the works of Gorky (okay, I have to admit, that’s just hilarious!). 

However, in the end, the movie actually speaks against prejudice, as Aunt Sarah’s pro-cat-anti-dog viewpoint is proven SO wrong!  (And she even sends the family a package of dog treats for Christmas, showing that she learned her lesson.  Yes, in modern terms, Aunt Sarah gets Woke!)

But the reason I chose to write about this lovely treat of a movie is something else – something that’s never talked about in the film but is, I think, something we need to talk about a lot more in our world.  Integrity.

I got Handsome to look up a dictionary definition of Integrity.  He found two main ones: “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness” – and “the state of being whole and undivided.”  My definition would be sort of a mix between the two, where one acts on their values and has a core sincerity.

Handsome told me about a TV show a couple of years ago, where a society believes in stealing.  Not that they were dishonest exactly; they just believe it’s weak to earn things or get them through trade, and that “real men” take what they want instead.  Now I would want nothing to do with these murderous thieves, but they actually have Integrity – they openly state who and what they are, and accept the consequences for it.  At the other end of a moral spectrum, people who are willing to die for their faith rather than defend themselves absolutely have Integrity too.

Now Integrity isn’t even an issue with minerals or plants, or animals of smaller brains.  Rocks have pure Integrity, as do ponds and celery stalks and giant oaks and polar bears and cockroaches.  They can’t be anything other than they are.

It gets a little tougher when you talk about animals like horses or cats or, yes, dogs.  We can’t lie the way humans can (though humans are always accusing us of it – “I fed you two hours ago!  Don’t tell me I didn’t!”).  But since we are taught rules, we can choose to follow or break them.  For example, if a dog is told to stay off a couch, and only gets onto the couch when the people aren’t home, does that dog have Integrity or not?  On one hand, the dog is following a deeper rule (Don’t get on the couch when the humans are there), but on the other it’s living a lie (Act completely subservient and let them think I’m perfectly good, though I know I’m actually sneaking around behind their backs and doing what they don’t want)!

            But this gets way bigger when it comes to you humans.  You guys are so good at lying, betraying, hypocrisy, all that – so Integrity takes a lot of work when someone has as big a brain as you! 

            Think of those two definitions – moral uprightness and being whole – and imagine a woman in a marriage that has no spark who’s fallen in love with her coworker.  If she sticks with her marriage, she’s obeying definition one, but wouldn’t divorcing or having an affair be more in keeping with definition two?  She’d be fully herself, while breaking the most serious vow she ever made.

            What about the honest police officer who needs money to pay for his son’s medical operation, and finds some easy-to-steal money?  Is it more moral to save his son or obey the law?

            And what about when you did something years ago that you now regard as immoral, but to admit it would make other people’s lives worse today?

            Is Integrity even possible for a human?

            I’ll argue that it is. But it requires the ability to change, and openly own that change. Maybe that woman makes the choice to leave her marriage, or to change workspaces to avoid that coworker. She’s insisting on her Integrity, one way or another. Or maybe that officer does take the money, but spends the rest of his life working to pay it back. Again, the person has to change in some way, to allow for what’s different in their lives.

            And then, let’s go back to the movie (admitting, again, that the characters are pretty anthropomorphic), and look at the characters there. Those cats have basically NO Integrity (yes, they share their evil secrets with each other, but they are so phony to Aunt Sarah!).  While Jock shows great integrity (if you accept his hiding his bones from Lady and pretending there’s nothing there!).  And Trusty seems to live in a state of delusion about his tracking abilities, but he’s still a good caring guy.  And of course both of them show enormous Integrity in risking their lives to save Tramp, whom they initially didn’t like.

            Does Lady have Integrity?  Sure.  She sticks by her values as best she can.  When she runs away, it’s out of terror at the muzzle, not her cheating on her responsibilities – and she does say she needs to go back home after she’s free of it, to protect the baby. 

            But then we come to Tramp.  Does he?  Well, when he’s living free and easy, you could argue that, sure, he’s got full wholeness-Integrity in his love of a trampy life.  But once he meets Lady, he changes.  Suddenly he wants her for his girlfriend, which means he needs to cover up his past from her; letting her know about the other girls would mean he’d lose her!  So he’s stuck – and not fully being himself.

            But then, two events enable him to regain his Integrity.  First, Lady’s experience in the pound teaches her everything she needs to know about him (particularly courtesy of that great Peggy Lee song, “He’s a Tramp, but they love him / Breaks a new heart every day / He’s a Tramp, they adore him – and I only hope he’ll stay that way!”).  And then, while she’s rebuffing him for his past, that rat shows up, and he proves his worth for eternity.

            And the end of the movie shows it.  Suddenly his past is irrelevant.  He’s a husband, a father, and a heroic licensed pet.  Yes he has a past, and he owns it, but he has changed, and he owns that change too.  And as such, while all the adoring dogs in the pound might be unhappy with those changes, he has regained his Integrity.

            If there’s one thing we dogs can teach you humans, it’s this: Integrity is the best quality anyone can have.  We might cheat about the couch, or sneak food off the kitchen counter, but at our core we are honest.  We might live in love the way I do, or in fear as my friend Aria often does, but we are who we are.  It’s easy for us. 

            While for you, it’s a lifetime of work.  Especially as you grow and learn and change, which is just what you ought to do. 

            Because it really matters in the long run.  Someone might be disappointed that you’re not the person they want you to be, but fundamentally they’ll respect you.  Whereas, if you lack Integrity, they never can.  No matter how much they enjoy what you do for them.

            And more than that, having Integrity is what allows you to be loved!  Think of how easy it is to fully adore a dog or a cat or a baby, because we have that full Integrity.  But it’s harder to love an adult person that way, because they’re so much more likely to disappoint you by their lack of it.  But remember: people want to love each other, so they’re going to give you a break as much as they can.  Think of when you were a child and first realized your parent had a real flaw – they cheated at something or lied or just failed.  That was tough for you, but you still managed to trust and love them enough, because you wanted to.  Or maybe you had a boyfriend or girlfriend who just kept blowing it – breaking promises, flaking out, or being cruel to you.  Remember how you tried and tried to keep believing in them, so that you could feel loving and loved?  And how it felt when you realized you couldn’t anymore?  That they had so little Integrity you couldn’t find what to love?

            So yes, you’re not as perfect as us (and even we might not be as perfect as the characters in a movie, who never shed in the house or pee on a carpet!).  But Integrity will get you closer and closer to it.  And with that, you can be trusted, and respected.  And loved.

            Be a lady or a tramp, but be yourself.  And then, at the very worst, they’ll sing of you just what I’d sing of that hero if he were real…

“You can never tell when he’ll show up.
He gives you plenty of trouble.

I guess he’s just a no-count pup
But I wish that he were double!