Category Archives for "Behavior"

0 What to do when you’re only attracting bad people

Tyna asks: I just feel awfully worthless. I recently broke up with my online boyfriend just because I couldn’t get myself to send him nudes. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I hoped he would understand, but it turns out I was wrong. It somehow hurts. Actually it does hurt. Because he is not the first guy who has shown very little interest in me as a person. I feel horrible. Most guys that come into my life see me as a sex thing I guess. They talk about one or two things and the rest is about sex. All my friends have boyfriends who are committed to them. It hurts me because I don’t have one at this age. (22) when they receive phone calls from their boyfriends, I can’t help but admire them. I keep wondering how it feels to have someone who cares about you and checks on you from time to time, someone you can share everything with. I don’t know what to do. I feel demotivated to do anything. I just feel like no matter what I do, no one will appreciate me or notice me anyway.

Hi Tyna –

Ouch!  This letter hurts to read!  On a few counts!

So first I want to talk about him.  Obviously, I have nothing against online connections – you and I have one, after all!  But our relationship is very open.  I’ve offered to give you advice, you wrote me, and I’m writing you back.  That’s all fine.  But if I wrote you now and said “Send me a photo of your family,” I’d hope you’d be very weirded out!  “What is this dog doing?  Why does she want my family photo?  Something’s weird here!”

Similarly, if you met someone online, and they say they want to meet in person, then okay, I’m all for it (as long as you do it in a way where you know you’re safe).  Or if they ask for a photo, just to see what you look like.  But he’s asking for nudes.  That’s not what you showed up for.  (And certainly no one has any trouble finding photos of naked people online; even Vladimir Putin can be seen wearing hardly anything!).  No, he’s asking you to do something you’re very uncomfortable with, and I’m VERY VERY VERY VERY glad you said no!

You did the right thing.  Now if he asked if you’d be up for that and you said no, and he said, “Okay, sorry if I offended, I was just wondering,” and went right back to being the guy he’d been before, I’d say “fine, big deal.”  It’d be like when my human Handsome is cooking food and I come by asking for some and he says no, for whatever reason.  He shouldn’t be angry at me for asking, but I should also accept his answer (well… after trying a little!).

But second, what really hurts here is that this guy’s behavior adds to your experience of not being wanted for yourself.  And sure, it hurts to see your friends in relationships, I get that.  It’s like when I was in the pound, seeing other dogs get bought by people while I was left there to just sit in a cage… and eventually, maybe, far worse.

Now I wish I could tell you exactly how to find that great boyfriend, and get into a healthy relationship.  And I can’t.  But I can tell you one thing – getting Continue reading

0 How to deal with a can’t-live-with-can’t-live-without relationship

Sauvik asks: I am trapped in a relationship where I can’t even come out of it. I am in a situation where I am not happy without my girlfriend and also with her. What should I do?

Hi Sauvik –

I’m sure you’ve heard lots of songs that talk about your situation.  One of my favorites goes

I don’t like you

But I love you

Seems that I’m always

Thinking of you

Oh oh oh you treat me badly

I love you madly

You’ve really got a hold on me

Now maybe things aren’t as bad as you’re making them sound, but if you truly can’t be happy in this relationship, then I want you to think about anyone you’ve ever seen who struggles with an Continue reading

0 What to do if a boyfriend or girlfriend wants space to reconsider the relationship

naj asks: I’m a girl, 18 years of age, doing my graduation in physics. I have just been in a new relationship and to be honest, this is my first one. I found him from Instagram. I’ve known him for two months now. It’s been only three weeks since we started the relationship. He was very committed and caring and all. But then one day he met his ex-girlfriend’s friends and they said something and made him feel guilty for being in a relationship three months after their breakup. Now he says that he needs some space. He doesn’t show the same affection as he did in the beginning . He needs a break and he says that he’ll come back whatever happens. But he’s not sure about how long it will take. Would you suggest something? Should we actually break up?

Hi naj –

So you probably know the famous question, where someone fills a glass exactly halfway with water, and some people say it’s “half full,” while others say it’s “half empty.”

This is one of those situations.  The guy likes you, you like him, all’s great.  But these friends guilt-tripped him and he’s asking for space.

So if this was something that happened a lot, if he was always pulling away, I’d say that’s a worry.  But this is once.  And he’s saying he’ll be back.

I’m a “glass half full” sort of girl (most dogs are).  And so my suggestion is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been an abusive partner

Tracy asks: I’ve come to realize that I’m an abusive partner in my relationship; it’s been going on for a while now and I really need help. What can I do?

Hi Tracy –

Wow.

Well here’s the good news: you’ve already done 90% of the work.  With an issue like this, by far the biggest part of the job is realizing and admitting the problem.  What comes now isn’t easy, but it’s easier than what you’ve done.

I would argue that there are two things you’ll need to do.  One is to take your self-awareness up to the next level, and the only way I know to do that is to hire a therapist.  Someone who can work with you on the deep reasons why you have behaved in ways that don’t match your beliefs or your feelings.  (I say this because, if you thought that what you’d been doing was right, you would never have written me this question).  I don’t know where you live, but if it’s hard to find a traditional therapist there, other people with the right training can help also, such as a religious group leader, a school counselor, a psychiatrist… any of these are fine.  Just as long as it’s someone you can open up with, about all your experiences, who’s not going to treat you with shame or break your confidentiality by telling other people about the things you told them.

But there is a second part.  And that is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize a long romance has been a cheat to others all along.

bssk2412 asks: I’ve been married for 34 years, living with our family. About four years ago l met a divorced mother, and we got emotionally attached. I got involved in this because l wasn’t having the emotional connection with my wife. Everything was good between this lady and me, we really got close to each other emotionally and physically. But over the last few months suddenly she started behaving guiltily. I’m really attached to her and love her. But suddenly she’s making me realize, after four years of a steady relationship that I’m cheating on my wife. I’m so disturbed and confused. Please advise me on this, what should l do.

Hi bssk2412 –

If you’ve looked around my website, you know that I live with a human named Handsome, and we adore each other more than anything.  I would never do anything to hurt him or myself.

But if I see a cat or squirrel across the street, and I’m not on a leash or indoors, nothing stops me from running as fast as I can to catch them.  Including the fact that there might be a car speeding down the street.

So far I’ve been lucky every time I’ve done this, but it nearly gives Handsome a heart attack each time (I’ve come very  close to getting hit).

I certainly don’t do it on purpose.  It’s just that when I see a cat or squirrel, my brain goes completely blank and I don’t notice anything else.

My friend, you’ve been chasing a squirrel – for four straight years!  And this woman just has made you aware that you’ve dodged a car every day for that whole time!

That’s quite an awakening, I imagine!  Good morning!!!

I’m certainly not the first to say that Love Is Blind, but your relationship is one of the more amazing cases I’ve ever seen of that blindness!

Now, you ask me for advice, but I really can’t give it.  Because I don’t know about some very important issues.  And I’m not sure you do either, yet.

As a dog, I’m not here to tell a person that divorce is a right or wrong thing to do (I do care a great deal about how children are treated in divorces, but that’s another issue for another time).  It may be that the best thing is for you and this woman to admit your love to everyone, for you to get a divorce, and to marry her.

It also may be that Continue reading

0 How to trust a better boyfriend or girlfriend after being hurt by a worse one.

Lila asks: I’ve been in a really screwed up relationship, and now I have an awesome understanding supportive boyfriend. How can I tell him I can’t trust his female co-worker around him? She just tried opening the bathroom door while she thought he was in there! How can I bring this up to him without getting mad or him thinking I’m crazy?

Hi Lila –

Well I think you answered your own question.  If he’s awesome, and understanding, and supportive, then he ought to not get too mad when he finds out you have concerns about his co-worker.  Even if he doesn’t agree with your worries, he shouldn’t be angry about them.

I see this a lot in humans – and in dogs too (if you go onto my website and find the article “Aria’s Agenda,” that’s about just this).  You’ve been in a relationship with a lousy person, and then when you’re in one with a better one, you keep expecting them to treat you the way the jerk did!  This guy’s better!  Trust that!

But onto the other issue… this woman WHAT?!??!  Now I’ll admit, I like to walk into bathrooms when people are in there, because the smells are so interesting!  But I’m a dog!  Most people over the age of Continue reading

0 Should you show sympathy to your ex who dropped you?

Aishwarya asks: My boyfriend left me few weeks back. And now he texted me that his dad is not well and uncle is on deathbed. Should I show him some sympathy?

Hi Aishwarya –

This is a fascinating question, so great I have three different answers for it, depending on different situations.  I wish I knew enough to give you just one, because they’re all pretty different.  But hopefully this will help.

Okay, first situation:  You’re close with his family.

If you actually have/had a relationship with his father and/or uncle, where they were important in your life, and you in theirs, then I would say absolutely that you should deal with your ex, and with them.  Simply because you’d feel very bad if you didn’t and things got worse with them.  In fact, I often see some cruelty on the part of exes, keeping someone who cares a lot about their family from them, with the mindset “If you’re not my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, you can’t have any connection with them either!”  So if you’re close with, say, his dad, I think it shows good character on your ex’s part that he reached out to you.

Second situation: You’re not close with them, but he’s trying to be a friend to you.

If that’s what’s going on, that he’s just telling you his “news,” and another time he might be telling you “I got a car” or “I broke my leg,” then it’s really your call.  Do you want to be friends with him now, or not?  I’ve seen couples break up and become fantastic friends, and I’ve seen other cases where one member correctly realizes that they just can’t do well in life while creating a new, friendly relationship with their ex.  The answer is up to you, to do what’s best for you.  In this situation, the dad and uncle don’t expect or need your attention; so you get to treat the guy you loved who broke things off in whatever way feels right.  To you.

Third situation: He’s playing a Continue reading

0 How to tell someone you’re interested in them

PERFECTION asks: I want to tell someone how I really feel, and I just want to make it honest and sincere but the only thing that I’m worried about is that I don’t know how to do it, any tips?

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m never one to call my Pack members liars, but I’m going to break that rule and call you out, my friend:  HOOEY!  PURE HOOEY!  PURE LITTERBOX MATERIAL!!!

Not that you don’t like that person, or have strong feelings for them; I’m sure that’s true.  What I’m calling you out on is when you say you “just want to make it honest and sincere,” but “don’t know how to do it.”  What a load of kitty poop!

Of course you know how to tell them your feelings with honesty and sincerity.  What you don’t  know is how to do it in a way you’re sure they’ll like!  THAT’S what you’re worried about, and that makes complete sense!

And I’m glad to try to help.

And I really do mean “try,” because of course you and I are very different.  But my experience might be instructive.  (Oooh doesn’t that sound adult!)

I have always, all my life, liked people and dogs on sight, and wanted to play with them.  When I was a young puppy, I attempted to do this by doing just what came naturally to me – walking up to them and biting them.  My brothers and sisters played with me when I did that to them… but strangely, it really seemed to bother most humans and grown-up pooches.  Especially if I did it when they weren’t expecting it.  I got barked at, bit, and yelled at a lot.

And slowly I learned.  Even though my honest, sincere, expression was to bite them, they liked  it better if I did other things.  Like walked up and licked them.  Or brought them a toy to play with.  Or just sat and let them pet me.  Or, with dogs, caught their eye and ran away so they’d chase me.  And these techniques worked, and work to this day.

Of course, though, you’re in a more complex situation.  You want to tell  someone something intimate and meaningful.  And it will mean a lot to you if they like it and accept it, or dislike it and reject it.  So what can you do to improve your chances of it being a happy conversation?  Here are a few suggestions.

• Don’t be scary. Just as people are frightened when a dog runs at them with teeth bared, they’re also put off when someone’s energy is too forceful and needy.  “I LOVE YOU AND CAN’T LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU AGREEING TO MARRY ME AND HAVE GRANDCHILDREN WITH ME” is not likely to work; “So, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you.  I’d love to hang out sometime.  Would you like that?”  Oooh, that sounds WAY smoother!
• Keep it between you two. Although you might feel ‘safety in numbers,’ it puts the other person in a really rough position if you start saying these things when other friends are around.  Those stories we hear about people proposing on TV broadcasts or with airplane skywriting?  That can be a great idea if you’re absolutely sure they want to say yes; otherwise it’s a recipe for horrible humiliation for everyone involved.
• Have you ever heard the anagram K.I.S.S.? “Keep It Simple, Stupid?”  As complicated as your feelings might seem to you, they’re actually pretty simple.  “I really like you a lot.”  “I’m falling in love with you.”  See how quick those are?  An old friend of mine was visiting, and told Handsome and me a story just this week, where a just-friend nervously gave her a long speech telling her he wanted to be more than friends, but his nervousness and confused talk actually made her think he was saying he wasn’t  interested in her!   They then had to have another conversation to clarify that he was!  (It worked out, though – they’re married and have two beautiful children now!)
• Make any consequences clear. Are you saying to this person “I feel this way about you, and there’s nothing you need to do about it; I’ll be your friend either way?”  Or “I can’t take just being friends anymore, and if you aren’t willing to become more than that, I’m going to have to spend less time with you – or even cut you out of my life completely?”  I’m not saying that one’s right and one’s wrong; I just want you to be fully honest about this part too – in a way that THEY UNDERSTAND.
• And last but not least, be kind. I know, it feels like you’re the one in the difficult position, but so are they.  Make it as easy as you can.  Speak softly, give them compliments (real ones, not fake), maybe even apologize at first, “I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but there’s something I really have to talk about with you.”

There’s never any way of knowing how these conversations will work out.  But if you do these behaviors, I do think I can guarantee it’ll work out as well as possible for both of you, regardless of what interest they express or don’t.

But you KNOW I’m cheering you on!  LET THEM SEE YOUR HEART as you’ve let me see it, and I’m thinking you’ll do great.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 When you’re torn between two imperfect romances

Tshilidzi asks: I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for 8 months now. 2 months into our relationship he was way too busy for me and even canceled our dates. I knew he was a busy man before dating him, but I thought he’d compromise for me. I was so lonely and sad cause he reminded of my failed relationships and felt as if I didn’t deserve to be happy. I am a student, and where I school there is a lecturer, and for 3 years now we have been pretending to be a fake couple. All of a sudden it became real for both of us – and he is married. He is funny and gives me so much attention and is always around me. He made me forget about all my troubles. I dumped my boyfriend and he was there for me. Ended up taking him back after countless apologies and things have been perfect ever since. Problem is that now I’ve got deep feelings for my instructor and he even kissed me. I try to forget about him but I can’t and I know it’s wrong. I would tell myself that I’m not gonna entertain him anymore but the moment I see him I go crazy. The connection I have with him is something I have never felt before and he is also battling with me . He can’t stay away from me. And he is in a risk of getting fired and me being punished and my boyfriend is also doing the same course as me and I’m afraid he will find out. I don’t know what to do cause I’ve never been in this situation and I don’t know how to handle it. Please help me. I don’t want to be a reason why another woman is sad but I just can’t help myself, I am so deep in love with him. I can’t even stay away from him; also we are always looking for each other around the whole school and we talk every day. Some students have even noticed our change of hearts. He has been married for 2 years and has no kids with the woman, but has 2 from his previous marriage. He is older than me by 25 but looks very young. Please help me

Hi Tshilidzi –

Wow, Tshilidzi, there is so much going on here, it’s hard to know where to start!

But really, everything you wrote comes down to two things.  First, there’s a guy you’ve been dating who is so busy he makes you feel unimportant. And second, you’re in love with a married man, your professor, who is at least acting in love with you too.  Now either of these alone would be a perfectly difficult situation; the two together make an astounding one!

I’ll confess, the biggest confusion I have here is about the teacher.  He’s been married for two years, and that whole time he’s been “pretending to be a fake couple” with you?  Then he’s actually started showing real interest – seeking you out, kissing you – knowing that getting caught could be the end of his marriage and  his career?  But he’s not trying to make more happen between you?

I truly don’t understand what he’s doing.  Unless he’s one of those guys who get turned on by the danger of relationships, testing to see how much he can get away with (Many people consider Bill Clinton, the former U.S. President, to be a case like that).

What strikes me is that you have a very simple need: you need your boyfriend to show you as much interest as this lecturer does!  If your boyfriend searched for you around the campus, took risks to be with you, and stopped being “too busy” all the time, I think you might be able to get more excited about him, and less so about this other man who is wrong for you in so many ways.

But that means your boyfriend changing, and it’s you who wrote me this letter, not him.

So my only advice to you is to Continue reading

0 Is death the answer to the painfulness of life?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, is death the answer to all problems and sadness in life? I’ve always wanted to shut myself off to the world. I’m in pain for far too long and I think that’ll be the only way to maybe at least get over the pain.

Hi PERFECTION:

Quick answer to your question:  No.

Absolutely not, no way, impossible, forget it.

Now, now that I’ve said that, let me make one exception.  If you had a terminal disease, and were in constant awful pain, and only had a short time to live, it’s possible that I could agree that the best thing would be for you, in a way agreeable to your loved ones (and of course, only if in accordance with your religious/moral beliefs), to end your life sooner.  After all, that’s what you guys do with dogs, cats, horses, and so on, and that’s an act of love and kindness.

But if you’re young and healthy, the fact is that anything you did to end your life would cause more pain than you’ve ever experienced.  To more people than you even realize.

You see, when a person feels good about life, they feel some of the connection to everyone that we dogs feel all the time.  You open a door for a person you see needing it, you smile at little children because they make you smile, you see a car in a big hurry and let them cut in front of you.

But when a person feels depressed, empty, hopeless, or sad, they tend to feel completely disconnected.  Like no one sees them, no one cares about them, and they don’t care about anyone else.

The fact, PERFECTION, is that you are more connected to more people than you can begin to realize.

What would it do to you to find out that your neighbor killed himself?  Would you wonder if you could have done something to prevent it?  Even wonder if you were responsible in some way?

And what if that were your uncle?  Or your parent?  Or your brother or sister?

Or your own child?

I don’t know a lot about your life, PERFECTION (only that you ask great questions!), but I’m betting you have a Continue reading