Category Archives for "Adults"

0 How to deal with a boyfriend ignoring you

brena asks: I am lacking my boyfriends attention. He hardly texts or calls me. We are on a VIP text plan that gives us unlimited text for a month, but if I get ten texts from him in those days I am lucky. This has been going on for a long time now, and has reached the point where I have thought about cheating on him just to get a little attention. I really do love him and I know he loves me – whenever I tell him the way I feel he says he will change, and just for a day or a few hours he does, but then the same thing takes place. There is a lot more but I just can’t bother to write it all out. He spends more time with his friends than me. I am lonely and confused I just want a little love and affection! I was at church and I found out that a younger boy likes me. I was so happy that someone still likes me and looks at me and smiles – that shows I am beautiful and I’ve still got the looks to steal a boy’s heart! I love my boyfriend so much I won’t cheat on him, but I really need the love and the attention – without that this relationship can’t work. Maybe I just want to stop speaking to him? I can’t bother with the way he treats me!

Hi brena –

Once, a few years back, my friend Handsome got extremely busy on a work project.  He only came home enough to sleep, every day for three weeks.  And even after that, he was gone twelve or more hours a day.  It was just awful for me.

The first few days were intolerable.  I was so lonely!  I would sit around the house, wondering why he didn’t like me or care about me anymore.  But then I noticed something – rats!  Our neighbor had rats in their yard.  And at times, they would run on power lines from their yard into others, through our yard.  And they’d go through our trees!

Now what was really interesting about this is that I never could tell if there was a rat in our trees.  It wasn’t like I could see them in there.  So whenever even a slight breeze would blow the leaves, I would assume a rat was there, and jump as high as I could to try to see, and catch, it.  And this was a windy time of year, so I spent most of my day jumping, trying to catch one.

It was so fun doing this that, even when Handsome would come home, exhausted, for his few hours sleep, I was completely obsessed with rat-hunting, and wouldn’t pay that much attention to him!  Yes, the guy who I’d been pining over for days!

As his schedule started to improve, though, he wanted to spend more time with me (He’d actually missed me!).  And I’d start to get re-attached to him, but then he’d leave again, or get all “I’m too busy on the phone” on me.  All that kind of stuff.

Finally, he had a day off.  And both of us were overjoyed to have a day together.  We slept in, and he made breakfast and shared it with me, he put on music we both liked, and all seemed great.  And then he settled himself down onto the floor, with a big pile of mail, to do paperwork, and promptly ignored me.

I was furious!  I had put up with so much, and now he was going to do this?!  So I did the one thing I could think of.

In those days, he had a white couch.  And I was allowed anywhere in the house except on it, because my dirty paws would discolor it.  So on this day, ignored, I walked over to the couch, and, watching him intently, climbed onto that couch and sat on it.  Saying as clearly as if I had a human mouth, “So are you gonna pay attention to me now?!”

Handsome was shocked, and yelled at me to get off of it.  But then he realized what was going on, and laughed at us both, and said, “Okay, knucklehead.  Let’s go back outside.”

We went out into the back and did the single thing we most needed to do:  We PLAYED.  We played catch, we played tag, we ran and tumbled and chased each other and tug-of-warred, and re-built the connection we’d lost a little of.  It wasn’t that Handsome hadn’t cared, or hadn’t loved me.  He’d just gotten so wrapped up in his work that he’d lost touch with how much he needed to connect with me – in a doggy way!

Okay, why am I telling you this long story?  Because everything you’re telling me about this boyfriend reminds me of how I felt while Handsome was off working.  But what I don’t know is: is your boyfriend just consumed by something, as Handsome was?  Or is he truly not caring enough to pay attention to you?

If it’s the first, then I suggest you go stand on his couch!  But if it’s the second, then it’s time for you to think, very strongly, about how you want and deserve to be treated.  Maybe you think you’re being silly, and all is really fine.  Or maybe you think you want to spend the rest of your life being treasured and honored and noticed.  And if so, maybe this isn’t the boy to do that.  Maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy – and should be with someone else.  Someone who doesn’t care about getting lots of attention.  (Or, more likely, maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy, who needs to learn what a relationship really needs!).

So what’s his “couch?”  What sort of test can you give him, to see if he cares, or really doesn’t?  Can you ignore him a little, and see how he responds?  Can you treat him the way he treats you, and see how he likes it?  Can you make a point of making sure he sees you flirting with other boys?!

And if you do something like this, see how he reacts.  Does he go “Oh!  I need to work harder to keep brena!  I hate feeling like I’m not important to her!”  Or does he shrug and say “Oh well, she wasn’t all that important to me anyway”?  Or does he get angry and mean (which might mean it’s best to break up with him, since that sort of behavior you definitely don’t deserve!)?

Whatever it is, you’ll learn some truth about him then.  And when you do, that will point you the way to go.

And who knows?  Maybe he acts in a way that makes you break up with him, and THEN he begins to realize how important you are to him, and he starts to ‘step up’ and give you what you deserve.  That’d be great too!

Whatever it is, brena, it’s time for you to determine, for yourself, what your worth is.  And once you do, you’ll know what risks are worth taking.  Maybe risking losing a guy who doesn’t treat you right.

Or, in my case, risking getting really yelled at about getting on that couch!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to control yourself without hurting people

Dubmom asks: How do you control yourself without hurting people?

Hi Dubmom –

I’m not sure I’m understanding your question exactly – are you asking how one can control themselves in order not to hurt people, or are you asking how to control yourself, but not hurt anyone in so doing?

If it’s the first, this was a huge issue for the first few years of my life.  I was a big, very strong, and very excitable pup.  I loved Handsome with all my heart, but something would grab my attention and I’d forget all about him, for example the time he parked his car on a steep hill, and as we were working our way down it, with me on a leash, I saw a dog and lunged to play with it, and pulled Handsome off his balance so he slipped, fell over a high curb, scraped up his face and damaged one arm so badly he couldn’t straighten it out for days.  Now I didn’t choose to do that to him; I never would.  But I lost control for a second, and did it – I hurt him.

The only solution I know for that is to mature, to pay more attention, and to prioritize.  So that, if that situation happened again, instead of pulling to get to that other dog, I’d whine to let Handsome know I wanted to be let off the leash.  If he agreed to it, great, I’d get to run to that other dog.  If not, I’d know he’d let me off once it was safe.  But I had to make our safety the priority, which means I needed to Think First.

Again, that mostly comes through maturity, through living and learning tough lessons.  You’ll note – even adult humans who pride themselves on being rebellious and uncontrolled don’t run into busy streets without looking!  They’ve learned that lesson over time!

But I’m more intrigued by this other way of reading your question.  How often we see people doing things to control themselves, which actually hurt others!

Most often I think it’s just Continue reading

0 Should you tell someone you have a crush on them when they’re away?

Lil Chen asks: I like this boy and I wanna confess to him,– he’s two years younger than me but more mature – but he won’t be back till Christmas or Summer. Should I tell him straight up through Facebook or do I wait? I can’t talk to someone when they’re right in front of me cuz I get really nervous, especially with confessions (though this will be my first ever confession). Please help me.

Hi Lil Chen –

Oh that’s frustrating!!  But I’m not sure I see why there’s such a hurry to confess your feelings to him.  I’m all for openness, and I know there’s nothing that feels better than to splash your love right into someone’s face (you humans do that with words – I do it with a big-tongue lick right across their mouth and nose!).  But in this case, I worry that it might be a bit risky.  If he’s not happy to hear it, and either ignores you or writes back that he doesn’t share your feelings, then you’re going to probably feel bad.  And if he is happy to hear it, and says he feels the same way about you, then you’re apart from each other for six months, but not able to go out and meet other people because you’ll be kind of committed to each other.  And then, what if one of you Continue reading

0 How to get a child’s father to pay child support

annezach asks: I am the single mom of a 7-month-old. Unfortunately the father doesn’t take responsibility, at least for financial support, and his parents don’t either. What should I do so that they will support the baby? Should I ask them or should I ask the government to handle this case?

Hi annezach –

I really hate hearing things like this.  As you might know, I was abandoned by my parents, and was adopted by a human from a pound when I was three months old; and if he hadn’t shown up when he did, I’d have been a goner.

Plus, as a dog, I’m extremely loyal.  So I have trouble understanding people who become parents, but then don’t want to support or take care of their own children.

But the father in this case doesn’t sound like he wants nothing to do with the kid.  Instead, he just doesn’t want to pay for it.  Which is a tiny bit better… but only a tiny bit.

Sometimes fathers don’t want to pay child support because they feel like they’re giving money to the mother, instead of to the child.  But even then, they really should do it.  It’s the kid who’s getting punished by their not paying what they should.

So you’re asking how to go about getting him to pay up?  I’m no expert on law, and don’t even know where you live, but I would suggest that Continue reading

0 The 50,000-Volt Pond — a few thoughts on corporal punishment

The 50,000-Volt Pond — a few thoughts on corporal punishment

I don’t understand the rules of any organized sport (unless you consider Fetch organized), but I do love to watch humans play them. Let’s face it, most of the time, you guys are really boring in your actions. Walk to the car, get in. Walk inside, sit in front of a computer. Occasionally thrill us by going into the kitchen or picking up a leash, but otherwise… Yawwwwwwn.

But when you play a sport, suddenly you’re fascinating. Running, tumbling, banging into each other, and of course throwing or hitting balls (which we always love). It’s when you guys kind of act like US! So I have to say, I have a very strong bias in favor of athletes – they’re my kind of humans!

I also am a big fan of a lot of the values that sports give to kids. Teamwork, health, learning to accept loss and victory with humble dignity – these are great virtues.

So it’s always sad for me when athletes look bad. Recently, there have been a few of these cases here in the U.S. Camera footage of one infuriated football player punching his fiancée – just heartbreaking. And another superb player getting in trouble for having punished his four-year-old son by whipping him with a “switch,” which is an old word for a thin, flexible branch from a tree, usually with the leaves all pulled off. And when he was asked about it, he said that this was the way he had been raised, so he had seen nothing wrong with doing it.

Now I don’t know any of these men, and certainly don’t know the exact circumstances of these incidents. So can’t speak about them. But as a dog, I do know quite a bit about corporal punishment (which means punishing by doing something to someone’s body – whether a slap or a spank, or things far more severe).

You see, we dogs do corporal punishment! If you see a mother raising her pups, she’ll teach her young, who she loves more than even she can imagine, by giving them little bites when they’re naughty. And it works – the pups learn not to do those things. So it only makes sense that, for centuries, humans have trained us with swats and beatings. Because it’s worked, right?

Well, yes and no…

Here’s the thing about punishment. The real goal of training a dog or a young child is Discipline. And the word Discipline comes from the same old word as Disciple; it refers to Learning. You want that kid to learn not to cross the street without an adult; you want that dog to learn not to nip people’s heels for fun. And these are very worthwhile lessons! But any time you teach a child or a dog, their brains are large enough that they’re learning more than one lesson.

Of course not all brains are that big. For example, my human friend Handsome has a tank with some goldfish. These beauties have learned that, when he walks up to the tank, he’s probably going to feed them, so they swim up to the surface, as close as they can get to him, and start chomping their mouths, hoping some food will drop in. They’re not expecting anything else from him – not love or information or entertainment. Just food. And that’s fine – as their brains are a bit smaller than the goo that forms on the inner corner of my eye!

But when Handsome feeds me, there’s a lot more going on. I feel loved, seeing his care. He enjoys my excitement at the feeding, and I sense that too. Usually he’ll lightly pet my head or back while I start to eat, but being careful not to do anything that would distract me, as he knows that’s bothersome to any animal who still connects to their wild self (Some general advice here – unless you know a dog very well, best to just leave it alone when it’s eating; even a nice one might snap if it thinks you might be considering stealing its food!).

And similarly, when Handsome has trained me, there was TONS going on in me. I was getting attention, but I was also feeling judged and nervous. If I did what he wanted, I expected to get some sort of validation – petting, loving words, maybe a treat. And when I didn’t, it felt bad to hear him say “No,” and know he was disappointed in me, even if just for a moment. In other words, it’s not just that I learned to sit or stay, I also learned something about myself, and about him, and about our relationship. Every time we did it.

Think of what happens in a schoolroom. Sure, you learn something about Math or History. But you also learn that the teacher is happy when you sit politely; you learn what irritates the kid next to you; you learn which teachers like their students to offer opinions in class, and which really don’t.

But all these examples are about learning when there’s teaching clearly going on. What happens when someone misbehaves in their normal life, and gets a consequence? Well, again, they’re going to learn more than one thing. Sure they’ll learn that they shouldn’t have done the thing they weren’t supposed to do. But they’ll also learn how someone else reacted. And they’ll learn about how that person thinks about them. And they’ll learn about their own value, and how they have the right to treat others.

So when a dog mother teaches her young by biting them lightly, they’re learning not to misbehave, but also learning, gently, that other dogs bite when they’re not happy with us. A very valuable lesson!

But what if that mother angrily jumped onto her puppy and bit him so hard she injured his leg? What would he learn then – besides not to do what he did? Probably not to trust his mother! And that he’s in constant danger from other dogs. And that he’s not worthy of being treated well by anyone.

And this is the problem with corporal punishment by humans. It’s been around for years because it has worked to teach certain lessons, but more recently, people have come to realize that there are WAY better ways to teach these things! Giving a young child a “time out” where they have to sit by themselves in a corner is a great way to cool them down when they’re acting out, and teaches them that their parent is in charge, as well as the lesson they need to learn. Some child experts even point out that, when a kid is young, if a time out isn’t enough, the parent can just use silly threats of property, like “If you don’t stop that yelling, I’m going to take a pair of your socks away from your dresser,” and it works! The kid is still experiencing the parent having power and setting the boundaries, which the kid needs to see.

(It’s important to always remember, with both children and dogs, that a big part of that little brain wants the grownup to set that strong boundary, so the little one can know for sure that they’re safe in a rational world)

Meanwhile, if a human responds to a dog’s misbehavior by hitting the pooch, what are the lessons? “Humans are dangerous.” “Your human doesn’t love you.” “You deserve to be hit.” Or even… and this is very common… “Human hands are dangerous!” (So guess what happens when a friendly person tries to pet that dog’s head?! You guessed it… CHOMP!)

It used to be very common for humans to train dogs by hitting them with a newspaper.   But those same humans were then often surprised when they walked into their living rooms to find the sports and weather in tatters all over the floor. Why would their loving dog destroy that night’s Times?

(I’ll tell you why – because that mutt was SMART! “I’ll chew that paper up before it starts in on ME!”)

Similarly, when an adult slaps or spanks, or really beats, a child, the kid learns so many lessons no one would want them to learn. “My daddy hates me because I was bad.” “I don’t have the right to my own body; it’s something for others to do what they please to.” “The world is a dangerous place; even the tree in my yard is a threat.” And worst, “I cannot trust my parents.”

(And to bring everything full-circle, another lesson a kid could learn is “The appropriate way to express anger is by hurting someone physically.” Which could mean that that kid might end up becoming a man who punches his fiancée!)

Now sometimes you’ll hear humans say, like that football player, that this is how they were raised, and so it’s how they want to raise their kids too. But I’ll argue on that count too. You see, I find, when people say that, that if you ask them more about why they want to continue this ‘tradition,’ they’ll eventually say “My parents worked so hard to make sure I had the opportunities they didn’t, and I don’t want to dishonor them by saying they raised me wrongly.”

But you see, changing how you discipline your kids isn’t insulting your parents. It’s the opposite. You’re just carrying on the great job they did of making sure you give your kids a better life than you had! Your parents weren’t wrong to discipline you in the best way they knew. But you would be wrong to not change to a better way of disciplining, now that you’ve learned it!

(Think of it this way – how would you feel about a doctor who prescribed medicine that wasn’t as good as a more recently-invented pill, and that had more and worse side-effects, just because they wanted to honor the doctor who’d treated them with it thirty years ago?!)

But what about when the parent loses their temper? Well, when I was a puppy, and Handsome was training me, I was absolutely horrible. Chewing and biting all the time, a total pain! He loved me, but he also found me constantly irritating and maddening. One day, he came out of taking a shower, to find that I’d chewed up one of his favorite possessions, and it was all over the floor. Fully enraged, he picked me up and threw me into our back yard. But the second he’d done it, he felt terrible, and ran to me, checking to see if I was all right, and covering me with love.

You see, he’d never struck me before that. He had worked very hard to make sure that I would trust him completely. And here, he really had screwed up!

But you know what? Because this was the only time he did that, I didn’t lose my trust. I knew I’d done something that had hurt him, and I felt bad about it. And I knew that he would never hit me, and that he would most likely never throw me again either! It was okay.

Because hitting me was something I knew he simply wouldn’t do.

Here’s my favorite way of looking at this. Being a child, or a puppy, is like walking out into a new landscape every day. And imagine you walked out one morning, and found a big beautiful pond, covered in ice. And you thought how fun it would be to walk out onto that frozen space. Now of course, you wouldn’t just plop out there, though. You’d gently test the ice with the end of your foot. And if it held, you’d test it by pressing a bit harder. And if it still stayed firm, maybe you’d walk fully onto it and stomp up and down – knowing that, if that ice was going to break, you wanted it to happen where the pond was shallow and you were close to dry land.

And imagine if, when you stomped, instead of the ice holding or breaking, you were suddenly zapped with 50,000 volts of electricity, like a police taser, because someone had set this up to keep people from walking on the ice!!!

What would you learn?

Well, you sure would learn not to walk out there onto the ice. But you’d also learn that ice is dangerous, and that ponds are dangerous. I imagine you’d never dare to learn to skate, or to play hockey. And you’d likely never know the fun of fishing, or swimming in a pond, or even feeding ducks who might live there. You might even learn to distrust all of nature.

Well, that’s what corporal punishment is like. It teaches the right lesson, but with all sort of wrong ones. And it can lead to a profound sense of distrust. In ways that the punisher, the disciplinarian, often doesn’t even know.

So my advice, as always, to all parents, and dog-lovers, is simple: Do the best you can, forgive yourself for the mistakes you’re guaranteed to make, but overall, just come from a place of love and enjoyment. Let that bratty kid and that rotten puppy know that the sight of them is the greatest joy of your life. And, clumsily and fitfully, you will raise someone absolutely wonderful, who will shock you with all they achieve.

Who knows? Maybe they’ll even grow up to become a great, and happy, professional football player!

0 How to forgive yourself for getting your heart broken

Eazyman asks: I am a 20-year-old guy, in love with my cousin. When she was 17, she asked my number from her father and started chatting with me, telling me she loved me. I thought it was right to tell her the truth, that I had a crush on her, since she seemed to be on the same page with me. We were living in different towns by then, so we used to send each other photos (she has always said I was handsome). She used to beg me to pay her a visit, telling me she wanted me closer to her, but now that we are finally living in the same city she seems to be rejecting me. She treats me like a ordinary guy and not like a lover. I tried to talk to her about it, but she took it as some kind of joke. I am now feeling terrible. I can’t forgive myself for telling her I was in love with her, I feel like a fool. Please help me forgive myself.

Hi Eazyman –

Humans are so funny.  Here you tell us this painful story, where you opened your heart to this girl who you trusted and believed in.  And she gave you every reason to trust and believe in her.  But that then, when you were able to live in the same area, she got distant and broke your heart.  And you’re asking me to help you forgive… yourself!

You see, to my doggy mind, you did nothing wrong.  You lived your life, you acted based on your heart, and you gave nothing but love.  So what’s to forgive?  That’s the best way to live!

So I think there are, instead, three things you need to do, to get past all this rotten embarrassment, and move on in your life.

The first is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re feeling suicidal

annabell asks: I’m not feeling very happy with life. I have a great family but I can’t talk to them – I can’t talk to anyone. I’m just not good at talking. I feel so sad. Everyone thinks I’m a happy person but that couldn’t be more wrong. I really don’t see the point in my life. I’m trying to stay positive, but I can’t, and each day I feel worse and don’t know what to do. When I’m home alone all I do is cry like I have a pain inside me. I feel so alone, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I always wish I was dead. In fact, if it wasn’t for upsetting my family, I’d do it. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of this.

Hi annabell –

Okay, so I want to start with two things.  First of all, what you’re feeling is something everybody goes through at times.  There’s nothing strange or wrong in it, and it will pass if you let it – I promise.

Second, I want you to promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.  If you’re feeling a real push to do something harmful, you can call a therapist or a counselor, or even your local police department, and they’ll hook you up with someone who can help you get through this.  Again, everybody goes through a time like this.  You just have to get to the other side of it without doing anything damaging.

Okay, now that those are out of the way…!

It sounds to me like you’re going through a big transition in your life.  I don’t know your age, but maybe you’re a teenager turning from a child into a grownup. Or maybe you’re an adult learning that you have strengths you didn’t know you had (or that you don’t have some strengths you thought you did).  If I’m right, you’re going through a very normal state of Continue reading

0 How do I know if I’m a psychopath?

arjai101 asks: I read a book on psychopaths a few months ago. I learned about all of the characteristics and the development of the definition and diagnosis on psychopaths. However, when I read this book I couldn’t help but notice that I possessed several of these characteristics. More curious, I took several test on psychology websites and most of them suggested that I might be a sociopath. In fact, I scored 97% higher than the average person. When I started telling people about the research I had done they started to point out that my way of thinking and personality highly resembled a psychopath. They say that if you’re worried about being a psychopath that you aren’t one. But I don’t think I’m worried I feel more curiosity than anything. I’ve been asking you for advice for quite a while now. Do you think that I am psychopath? If so, how should I deal with this?

Hi arjai101 –

Psychopaths and Sociopaths are both people who have something called Antisocial Personality Disorder.  The difference between them seems to be about how they interact with others.  But fundamentally, they both have this condition, which is marked by complete disregard of the rights of others, a lack of conscience, and criminal and aggressive behavior.

Is this really you?

Let me make this clear.  Every person, and every dog, in the world, has some aspects of APD.  Each of us can also get depressed, can get kind of manic, can explode in anger, and can hear things that aren’t really there (haven’t you noticed those times we pooches will start barking furiously at what you can clearly see is nothing?!).  And each of those is the hallmark of a serious mental disorder.

The issue with these diagnoses is that Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in love with two people

ehaose asks: I’m in love with two guys and they both promised to marry me. A is very understanding – he is in the same class as me and an A student. He wants to be a doctor when he finishes school. When we have free time we like to take a walk in the park. The only problem with him is he comes from a poor family. B drives a Jeep, and is a manager at his company. He has three houses, buys me expensive gifts, and takes me to very expensive restaurants. He wants to marry me next month, but wants us to have sex on his birthday to prove I love him – and that’s next week.

Hi ehaose –

Wow, this sounds like one of those novels with a cover showing a beautiful woman on a horse, being held by a handsome shirtless man with gigantic pecs. The rich man and the poor man both love her, both are amazing, and she’s torn as to what to do.

In the novels, I believe she usually goes for the guy from the poor family. But I’m not saying to do that – just pointing out what the novelists say!

I’m going to say something a bit less romantic instead.

You say you’re in love with both these men. Yet when you told me about them, you never said a word about their Continue reading

0 What to do about cutting

lettersdontfade asks: I’m in love (I think I am) with a guy that works outside of my country. He used to work in city I live in, but he’s taking a risk (because it’s his dream job to work outside of my country) and works there. It’s been 4 months since I’ve seen him. I can’t call him my boyfriend, because he’s obviously not. He’s got a girlfriend here, in this country. But before everything we’ve been through, he said that he and his girlfriend haven’t talked since he left. A couple months before, he asked me for a nude picture, which I refused to give him, and he said that he’s proud of me because I didn’t want to gave him the pictures. Later that evening, he asked me one more time and I said no – and he got mad at me. He doesn’t show his disappointment, but I can feel through the text he sent me. Then, I sent him the pictures, and gave his picture (but not nudes) and it lasted for like 1 or two months. Just so you know, we argue a lot, but it only lasts for a couple of hours and then we’re okay with it. And one more thing that you should know, he hates it when I leave him (“leave” meaning when I don’t tell him that I fell asleep, or if I’m doing something and it takes a lot of time to reply his text. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I got into a fight with him because I “left” him. I tried to call him and explain, but he refused it. I was so angry and I said, “oh maybe you had a lot of chicks beside you so you didn’t give a damn about me,” and he’s angry about it too and then we didn’t talk for six days because the wifi didn’t work on my phone. On day six, I fixed my phone so that the wifi could work, and then I received his text saying that he missed me. I talked to my friend about this and asked for her opinions, and she said not to answer it till later. About one hour later, I answered it, and then we’re like getting back together, and I was trying to push all of my feelings down so that I’ll be okay if he leaves. And I think that was the first day I cut myself. Until now, we haven’t argued, and we haven’t sent any nudes to each other. All of my friends say that I should leave him because he’s only taken advantage of me, but I still love him so I couldn’t do that. Yesterday, I got really mad at him because he wasn’t paying any attention to me, just like before. I asked him this afternoon if he want to text or not, and he said “idk,” so I decided to leave him (saying “you might want to be alone for awhile, and we can chat later”). Then about five hours later I hadn’t gotten any text messages from him, so I decided to text him. He didn’t reply for a long time. Once he replied, I asked him why he’d taken so long, and he said “idk.” I don’t know why he’s acting like this. Do you think that he’s taking advantage of me? He said he loved me, but why is he doing this? His best friend told me that he once cheated on his girlfriend, and I instantly burst into tears. I really want to believe in him. I really want to make this work somehow. I’m too in love with him. Do you have any suggestions of how I can stop thinking of him so much? If I could just delete all of my feelings toward him I would!

Hi lettersdontfade –

Okay, I’m going to give you two answers.  The second is in response to about 99% of your letter.  And it’s important, but not nearly as important as the first one.

The first one is about cutting.

I know you’re in a lot of pain, and I know that cutting can help with that, in the short term.  But let me say with every doggy fiber in me – you need to stop doing it.  Now.

Many people – most often teenagers – find that they get a pleasurable sensation from cutting their skin.  Usually it happens because they are depressed and feel numb in their lives, so there’s a good feeling from the pain of the cuts.  It’s like how good it feels to scratch an itch – where you’re actually causing yourself more pain in a sense, but it gives you pleasure –magnified.  And we dogs know how good scratching an itch feels!  We do it all the time!

But, the difference between cutting and scratching an itch is that cutting is extremely dangerous.  Even potentially lethal.

In order to stop cutting, there are much safer techniques one can use to get similar feelings.  Some people Continue reading