0 How loss affects one’s work

Salvatore asks: The first time I wrote you was when I was depressed because of my father’s death. I had the fear that my mom would die too, like my father, but you said that she might live long… your letters were a great satisfaction to me. The problem is this that my mom has died too. After her death it seems to me that the world has stopped, as if life has lost its meanings. Following are the thoughts and problems that have overpowered me: I can’t perform well in studies; I am unable to form concepts; At times I feel too giddy; My mathematics isn’t good; I have nothing that can distinguish me from other people; I overthink the things; I can’t understand how people laugh and talk about silly and useless things. All of this leads me to only one conclusion: ”I CAN’T BECOME A DOCTOR!” I have always wanted to be one. For that I have to get at least 90 percent marks in FSc part 1 and 2. I burnt the midnight oil in part 1, but I got only 84 percent marks because of the totally unfair marking by examiner – and I’m not allowed to challenge him in a court of law. I am really depressed. I am having trouble sleeping, and nightmares. I need a solution!

Hi Salvatore –

Salvatore, you absolutely break my heart.

There are no words I can offer, no licks, no paw, no howling at the moon, that remotely tell how sad I am that you have gone through this second devastating loss so soon.  It’s not fair.  Not in any way.  And if there was something I could do to bring your mother back, I’d do it in a second.  But of course I can’t.  All I can do is look at you with the biggest dog-eyes I can and let you know, I am SO sorry.

I certainly understand your wish to do better in school, and I hope you can.  But I need to tell you, it’s very possible that these two losses have just been too much, and you might not get the best grades right now.  And if so, I have a number of things to say to you.

First, you’re young.  You can take these exams again.  Especially given the reason you can tell the testers about why you were “off” when you took these.  You just might need more time, before you can relax and concentrate enough for them.

Second, the things you tell me about your feelings make me think that you’re still in a state of shock.  This will pass.  You will be affected by these losses forever, of course, but you will survive them.  People do every day.  And you will get stronger.

Third, there’s a thing the great people in Continue reading

0 Should a person tell someone they’re bisexual?

alpet asks: I’m a 32-year-old bi guy more on the gay side, sexually speaking. I’d like to have your advice on my story: Ten days ago, my brother’s wife introduced me to her classmate, 9 years my junior. We met again just the two of us. I like her, and so does she — that’s what she told my sister-in-law. So, I’m thinking of taking this further, but I feel insecure due to the following: I am less experienced with females, physically/sexually speaking. Two unsuccessful casual encounters with complete strangers, and one with a girl I started dating a year ago. I normally don’t get super-attracted to women unless there’s some intimate contact already happening. So I feel torn between the urge to continue dating (and why not) going toward a serious relationship with her, and my insecurity that there won’t be this physical/sexual fulfillment between us, in the long run. Should I, so, continue dating, and get physically intimate, and see what happens? Should I also take a break from casual contact with males? P.S. We live in a conservative society, so a male’s bisexuality is not welcome by the opposite sex.

Hi alpet –

I really appreciate your openness about this, especially given what you say about your society.  But the answer I give you will have nothing to do with your orientation at all.

You see, I’m a dog.  And we dogs have a reputation that we absolutely deserve, of, when we see someone or something we like, running up and absolutely covering it with excitement and desire and hunger.  We don’t remotely know how to savor food, the way you humans do.  And we don’t subtly walk up and seduce people, the way cats do – if there’s someone we’re happy to see, we’re all over them in a second – licking, pawing, chewing, all of it!

And this is even true when it comes to sex.  When a female is in heat, males will smash through windows to get to them.  And when she’s not, our males generally really aren’t all that interested – they certainly don’t “wine and dine” us!

And that’s great for us pooches.  It works fine.  But it’s not a good way for humans to be, for the most part.  Your brains are too big, and you don’t have a sexual cycle the way we do.  You can become interested in each other at any time, anywhere – and that means you need to act in different ways.

What I’m getting at, alpet, is that you’re jumping way ahead, like a Rottweiler on a steak – but your human brain is seeing the problems in that.

What if, instead of deciding Continue reading

0 How to feel comfortable in different environments

Buendia asks: I’m very shy. I know I can talk with people at school and everything but I don’t know what I would do if I saw them outside of school. Let’s say I meet an acquaintance; what do I do? Do I talk with them or not? Do I completely avoid them or try to hide from them? Or what if I see my classmates outside? I would hate them seeing me. This fear of mine has made me come to such a point that I am scared of going out from my house. I am only comfortable going out with my parents and my close friends, (about 6 people). And another thing, I feel embarrassed about being seen with my brother. Like take today for instance, he wanted to go outside and it’s a beautiful day but want I don’t to go outside cause he dresses so loud. I always wanted to be not this person. Hanging out with people judging their looks. But unfortunately I am. I am no racist but I only hang out with people who have a good dressing sense, like my closest friends. So my questions are: What is this problem I have? How do I cure it, and is this just social anxiety? I am sick of living in fear of seeing people I sort of know outside and them seeing me, especially if they are in a group.

Hi Buendia –

I can only guess as to what’s really going on with you, but here are my top three guesses:

1)    A famous US president once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Most likely, this is your situation.  You meet up with people in a place that isn’t normal for you (“normal” in the sense that you always see them at school), and you wonder what you should say.  Then that makes you worry that maybe you’d say the wrong thing.  Then that makes you worry that you aren’t saying enough.  And that makes you worry that you might look wrong.  And that makes you worry… and on and on.  So the only thing that is truly worthy of your worrying about is all your crazy worrying!  If this is the case, my advice is to Continue reading

0 When people think what you like is weird

McKenna asks: My friends and my family always make fun of anything I like because I like stuff that almost no one else does. I know that I should not care what anyone else thinks, but it hurts when they make fun of the things I like. Also my mom always thinks that I’m too old for this stuff, so she won’t let me get anything I like because she thinks its dumb. How am I supposed to ignore them when it’s all I can think about?

Hi McKenna –

This world would be a lot easier and more fun if everyone would just accept that not everyone likes the same things, and that that’s okay (as long as no one’s being hurt or taken advantage of).

I deal with this all the time.  Handsome thinks about 99% of what I like is just fine.  He loves watching me run, he loves feeding me dinner and treats, he loves that I love him and other people.  But when I smell some really fragrant cat poop and find it delightful to roll in and eat, he’s downright intolerant!  He washes me off with soap, and makes me sleep outside till my breath goes back to normal!  Really, he’s my favorite person in the world, but at moments like that, he’s kind of a jerk!

At the same time, believe it or not, Handsome has had a number of friends (and especially girlfriends – you know, the sort of friends where they hug and kiss and all that?) who have serious problems with how much he likes me!  “What’s the big deal?  She’s just a dog!”  “What’s wrong with you, are you in love with that dirty mutt?”  “You don’t let it near food, do you?”  People are just funny that way!

The problem for you is, like Handsome’s problems with his friends and girlfriends, you can’t just ignore them.  Here’s something you really like, and here’s someone who’s super-important in your life (even your mom!) saying that you shouldn’t like it.  That’s completely crazy-making!

So, to answer your question… You Continue reading

0 Should friends become boyfriend and girlfriend because one of them says they should?

Howling wolves asks: I have a friend that I like, and he likes me. But my mom had a long talk with the two of us and said that she’s fine with us hanging out and liking each other, but she said that I’m NOT allowed to have a boyfriend. I’m ok with it, but lately that friend keeps telling me that we NEED to be boyfriend and girlfriend to be together, and that he doesn’t want to be just friends anymore. I can’t disobey my mother, so what should I do?

Hi Howling wolves –

One of the toughest, and most important, things about growing up is developing a sense of your self-worth.  We dogs tend to have it pretty easily, unless it’s beaten out of us (which happens more often than I’d like to admit).  But you humans, with your giant brains, have a tougher task at hand.

You see, when you’re children, normally you defer to adults’ opinions on everything – and that’s good.  You want to cross a busy street alone, your mother tells you you aren’t ready to do that yet, and while your ego says “Sure I am!” you develop a sense that she might know something you don’t, and so you don’t walk out there (and, by making that decision, you live another day!).

Then you get a little older, and start school, and the same thing happens with the other kids.  You want to wear your Hello Kitty t-shirt to school because you love it, but the kids in your class think Hello Kitty is kind of “last year,” and, although it’s your favorite shirt, you learn to choose the clothes that will help you fit in more.  And again, this is totally okay (as long as you don’t throw the shirt out – since fashions change!).

But then you get a little older, and find yourself in just the situation you’re Continue reading

0 What to do when you want both to get away and to stay home

Wooff asks: I am 15. Recently I have had this feeling of having a fresh start in my life. I have a great life. I am a good student, a good person and I have friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. But I just want to go away to some place else where nobody absolutely knows me. So I can reinvent myself. I always wanted to stay in one place and now that I have, I just want to leave. And I’m trying to disconnect with my friends, especially my best friends. I always try to be positive about everything, but there’s always this new start thing with me. My family used to move a lot and I wasn’t a big fan of that, but now we don’t. I feel like I’m lost. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even my best friends. I have googled about this matter but there is no answer to this. I know I’m not the only person who is going through this but I don’t know what to do. I laugh a lot and have fun but yet I have this feeling of being lost. And I sleep a lot. What should I do about this matter?

Hi Wooff –

I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that what you’re experiencing is normal and universal. The bad news is that what you’re experiencing is… normal and universal!

Fifteen is a tough age for everyone. Every human that age feels that mixture of excitement and lostness. Every person feels the need to be able to count on the things they need, and at the same time, the need to be free and run away and embrace the world. There is nothing wrong with you at all. But there’s also no perfect solution to the enormous frustration you’re experiencing!

Some might tell you this is a recent phenomenon. Well, if so, I guess they’ve never seen or read Continue reading

0 How to find out how someone feels about you if you only chat online

Wolfy asks: This boy and I have known each other for the past three years. We have been video chatting every day since before summer started, and in that time I have grown to like him. Like, like liking him, but I think he likes me too. He is funny and nice and I can always count on him. I like watching him play this game/ website (he can show me his screen on video chat) and if I suggest it no matter what he is doing (whether he is playing minecraft or pokemon or whatever) he will “get bored” with what he is playing right then and play that game. My computer automatically shows me as available and on that second it comes on he messages me. EVERY DAY WE VIDEO CHAT! He is on online school now, and when I was sick at home he messaged me while he was working. He also helped me through a tough time when my brother got something I should have had. Nothing is wrong when I talk to him – but when I think about the fact that I like him I can’t talk (and I can talk a person to death, my mother says!). I told my friend about it, and she told him, right when he and I were video chatting at that point and he was sharing screens – and they said: She: Wolfy likes you. You should ask her out. He: No thanx. She: she thinks you’re funny. He: No. She : She thinks you are hot. (That last line I never told her by the way but she is known to prank us with relationships so he may not believe – plus I did not back it up and said that is not right) What’s your advice?

Hi Wolfy –

So this seems to be the same sort of question I get a lot, of the “I’m shy, so how can I tell if he likes me” flavor. But with a twist – your contact is all on video chat!

But really, it’s all the same issues as usual. We’re dealing with two problems: first, that you get so nervous about liking him that you can’t talk (which I have to say, even from a dog’s point of view, is really cute and adorable!). And second, that we don’t have any idea what he’s feeling.

Could it be that he just isn’t into girls yet (or just isn’t ever going to be)?

Could it be that he sees you only as a friend, and doesn’t want to change that?

Could it be that he’s interested in another girl?

And could it be that he does like you the way you like him, but doesn’t Continue reading

0 How to make friends after you’ve given up

arjai101 asks: I just moved back to America two months ago. And, I’m having a really hard time. I miss my friends, and I’m okay with that. However, everyday I grow more and more lonely and it is just the most awful feeling. I hate my school, and the teachers don’t want to be bothered with me. No matter how hard I try to make friends and reach out to people, people just push me away. I’ve tried everything. I have joined clubs and I even have tried with some of the people at my church (Which is desperate because I hate going to church). I spend most of my time by myself and this is beginning to change me. I hardly talk anymore, and I’m usually a very outgoing person. I hate doing any of my hobbies, which is very bad since that’s usually what people do when they’re alone. I’m extremely frustrated with the situation and every time I think about it I want to cry. Believe me when I say I’ve tried everything. I have even seen a therapist TWICE. Nobody understands and they all blame it on me. They have no idea what I’ve tried and how it makes me feel. The therapist doesn’t give advice, all she does is analyze the situation. I need instructions. I can’t do this any longer. It’s affecting my attention span, I can’t read or write for more than a few sentences. It’s to the point where I have to go on a chat room anonymously and find people to talk to. (Except, they all want pictures and its rather disturbing.) In conclusion, I feel like there is no escape and the worst part about it is that IT’S MY LIFE NOW! I CANT ESCAPE IT! What’s wrong with me or them? What should I do?

Hi arjai101 –

What you’re going through sounds, regrettably, very normal. Most teens go through a time like this, where they feel alienated from everyone, and it’s devastatingly lonely. I have a few suggestions for you, but the most important one is to know that this WILL PASS. If you’ve ever had a dog, you’ll know that whenever our humans leave us at home alone, we’re miserable about it. We might freak out and tear stuff up, or we might just sit around glumly… but when the people come home, we’re overjoyed and go absolutely nuts over them. Well, just like us, when you’re in a mindset like this, it feels like it’ll last forever and there’s nothing you can do. So that’s why I say, again, trust that it WILL PASS. I just can’t say when, just as you can’t tell a dog exactly when their humans will come home. I just know it’ll happen.

But meanwhile… YUCCH!!! This just STINKS!! It’s very hard to move countries and start a new school. Handsome has a friend who did that when she was in third grade, and she was so outcast in her classroom that, on Valentine’s Day, when all the boys and girls gave all their classmates cards, she didn’t get a single one! (I do love kids, but sometimes they can be very short-sighted, or even mean, as I’m sure you know. The important part, though, is that before long, she made lots of friends and became very popular. It just took time.)

So what can you do? Well, reaching out to others is a great idea, even if it hasn’t worked yet. Some of those kids already have the friendships they want, and aren’t looking for other pals just now, so you need to keep trying till you find the other kids. They’re always there, just harder to find.

I find the best thing to do at a Continue reading

4 Led Off the Path …the problem of struggling with goals…

Led Off the Path …the problem of struggling with goals…

You all know about my friend Handsome, the human I live with. Most of the time, I look at him with wide-eyed idolatry – he is so smart and powerful that he can make a car turn on, he can open locked doors with just a key, and he’s able to get all the food he wants without even chasing squirrels! And oh, how he knows just where to scratch my tummy… I mean he’s just brilliant!

But at the same time, sometimes he’s pretty clueless. There’s so much he doesn’t get. And that’s where I get to feel useful, and even smart, by helping him out.

For example, he was brooding around the house a few days ago, about the fact that 2014 will be over soon. Not that he’s loved the year so much he hates to see it go (he’s had those), or that he’s hated it so much he wishes it were gone already (he’s had those too), or that it’s just rushed by so fast (that happens EVERY year!). This one was more specific. “When last year ended,” he grouses, “all these things, all these achievements of mine, were set to happen. I was so excited about what 2014 would bring. And here it’s almost gone, and none of them is here! I haven’t accomplished a single thing I expected to!”

It’s never fun for me when he’s in moods like this. He goes stomping around (which can mean he doesn’t see me and accidentally steps on my tail), sometimes yelling at himself, and often forgetting important things – like feeding the dog!

So I really wanted to make things better for him. Which made me think – what does it mean when you haven’t done all you’d planned on?

Now that can happen because you were lazy and didn’t do the work you were supposed to. Or it can be because you weren’t organized enough and all your work went to the wrong things. Or it could be because you just didn’t care. Those are all easy to change.

But in Handsome’s case, it wasn’t any of those. He worked hard all year, and most of the time he was very organized, with a focus to achieve these goals.

Nope, the reason he didn’t accomplish what he’d planned was that 2014 was a year in which hundreds, yes I said hundreds, of things got in his way.

You know those days, when you wake up and say “I’m going to work ahead in that class and write that paper today, even though it’s not due for two weeks”… and then the phone rings and it’s your best friend crying because their biggest crush told them they weren’t interested… and then your dad comes in and says you have to clean out the garage before their party tonight… and then your little brother falls and breaks his thumb, and you have to go to the emergency room with him…

…And suddenly, the day’s gone. And you’ve lived the opposite of bad or lazy – you’ve been a good friend, a good daughter, and a good sister (or son and brother) – but that paper hasn’t even been started. And on top of that, while you were cleaning the garage, three friends called you to ask for help on the math homework, and while you were at the hospital, the cat got out and your parents weren’t able to go looking for him because of their party guests, so you’ll have to do it.

So when this kind of craziness isn’t just the story of your day, but of a YEAR, what does that mean? And how can a person move forward from that with a good attitude?

Well, this is the kind of question that dogs are waaaaay better than people at answering. You see, we mutts have none of your intricate sense of time. We live moment-to-moment, not thinking about the future or the past any more than we have to. (Now yes, you’ll hear stories about dogs who know what time to go meet their human child at school, but that’s because we have a great connection to nature, and can tell when it’s a particular time of day. But even those dogs haven’t been spending hours worrying, “Hmm, will I have time to chase that squirrel and still be able to make it across town to be at the school by 3:15?” We just don’t have that kind of brain.)

So the idea of a year means something completely different to us than to you. For us, we know that it means something that the weather’s kind of like it was, and the sun sets at a particular part of the horizon, and certain smells come out of the yards around us. But we never think about accomplishments, earnings, grades… any of that.

So when I see Handsome all concerned, I just look at him as hard as I can, till he figures it out.

And what I’m trying to get him to figure out is…

• Years don’t really exist. Yes, the Earth gets back to the relationship to the sun it was a certain time ago, but years are a human-brain concept. So are months, weeks, days, hours, and milliseconds. They don’t have any actual meaning in reality. So the idea that he hasn’t accomplished by December thirty-first what he thought he would the last time it was December thirty-first is… absolutely pointless to me!
• Big accomplishments take as long as they take. No more and no less. And once they’re done, no one really thinks about what got in the way of their making. How long did it take Shakespeare to write Hamlet? Did Rembrandt paint The Night Watch without being interrupted, or did things get in his way? Did any of The Beatles catch a cold while working on Revolver, and so had to postpone recording? Which of the Harry Potter books did J.K. Rowling have the most trouble in her life while writing? I have no idea of any of these. And if I did, it wouldn’t matter!
• And biggest of all, while you humans focus on certain accomplishments, you might be ignoring the other ones you actually achieve. To use my example above, is that paper for school really a greater act than the other things you did that day? What if it turns out your friend was so upset about that crush that they were going to do something self-destructive that would have ruined their life, but your talking cooled them down? What if, in cleaning that garage, you came across a leaking can of gasoline that could have been responsible for your home burning to ash? And don’t you know your little brother will remember your care and kindness for years after those school assignments have been forgotten? And beyond that, on a more selfish level, if your goals have been set back by fighting an illness, and you get better, but you find out about someone else somewhere who actually died of that illness, doesn’t that mean that you accomplished something huge? Something they weren’t lucky enough to achieve?

So what I want is for Handsome to look at this year in a different way. Sure, he didn’t get those things he was hoping for done in the time he’d planned. But instead, he accomplished hundreds of other things. And accomplishing hundreds of things is a pretty big accomplishment – even if they weren’t what he wanted!

What about you? Are you bummed out that you’re facing a Hanukkah without a job? Christmas without a boyfriend? Milad un Nabi without money in the bank? New Year’s without having lost as much weight as you’d hoped?

Then just for a moment, think of how a dog would look at that situation. It would all be in-the-moment. They’d translate those thoughts to “I don’t have a job and want to get one,” “I don’t have a boyfriend and want to get one,” “I don’t have money and want to get some,” and “I don’t have the body I want, and want to get it.”

Different, isn’t it? See how this way of thinking allows for something good to still happen, rather than just feeling disappointed about failure?

Maybe that’s why we’re so much happier in general than you guys, even though you have so much we lack!

So am I saying not to be ambitious and goal-oriented? Absolutely not! Use those great human brains of yours and go after what you want. Achieve incredible goals we pups can’t even dream! Aim for deadlines, make New Years Resolutions, demand the most of yourself! Those are what keep you focused, and make those achievements happen.

And when you DO meet a goal, be proud. Know you worked hard to get that, and reward yourself.

But when you don’t, just remember… no one ever told you that life could be fully planned. Plans are just one part of life. And things come at us, every one of us, every day, that change those intentions. That’s what makes life frustrating. And exciting.

And how we deal with those obstacles that come at us? Those acts are what define us. Truly tell who we are, and who others are. Much more than those goals and intentions ever can.

Like… the way I deal with disappointment (woofing and walking away) versus the way Handsome does (saying bad words, kicking the wall, and thinking about it for days)… That says a lot about both of us. And I’m pretty content with the verdict that puts on me!

But don’t give up on him. I’m doing my best to change him. In fact, I’m gonna get him to think just the way I do, by this time next year…

Oh no! I’ve just started thinking like him! This isn’t working!

But wait… he just stopped ranting, and knelt down and started stroking my ears. Mmmmmmm… that feels good…

Maybe he’s learning to live in the moment a bit too.

In fact, maybe, who knows… 2015 could turn out to be a year in which we all learn to see things through others’ eyes a bit more.

Now that’s a resolution even I can sign onto.

Love, and Happy New Year!

Shirelle

0 How to respond to insults from friends

four cats asks: Most of the time my friends tease me and joke me and I always go low on my personality; then actually they start to bite me! So can you please give me a way to put them down when they start to put me down?

Hi four cats –
Wow, I am used to people using verbal put-downs of their friends, and I’m used to us pups biting each other for fun, but I have never heard of anyone doing both!  Your friends must like you a lot!

You asked me for ways to put them down, and I’d be glad to help with that, but I’d have to know exactly what they were saying, so I could come up with funny responses.  But I think there’s a much bigger question: Do you want to have funny comebacks to these friends, or do you want them to leave you alone?

If it’s the latter, then your best response is to not let them see how their comments affect you, to just roll your eyes or say “wow that’s the best you got?” or something like that, and then walk away.  People who give put-downs, whether in affectionate fun or out of bullying meanness, do so to feel powerful and good about themselves.  So if you act in a way that they can’t get that feeling, they’ll find someone else to pick on.

But if you are asking how to keep them as friends but just get better at comebacks, I do have one really odd Continue reading