0 How to help someone lose weight without upsetting them

MattTheBull asks: I have been with my lady for over 5 years now. I love her more than anything but I have lost attraction to her almost completely. She doesn’t make an effort in looking nice anymore, and has gained about 80-90lbs and does not make enough effort to lose it or stop gaining weight. I have sat down and spoken to her many times about it now but it is not hitting home. I’m in good shape and exercise a lot, I try to encourage her to join me but it’s not working. She would rather lay on the sofa and do nothing or if she does join in its only for 10 minutes and then she gives in. We also have a 4 year old daughter and I don’t want her being a bad influence to her. My lady now weighs in at about 230lbs. Please help me, I’m at wits end now.

Hi MattTheBull –

This is a really tough situation, and one that requires the kind of delicate footsteps I see in the squirrels running away from me over the tops of chainlink fences. One wrong step, and all your efforts collapse.

Your lady sounds to me like she’s suffering Depression. And she’s likely feeling depressed for three reasons: First, she’s exhausted (as any parent of a four-year-old tends to be). Second, she can feel that she’s not attractive to you anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. And third, because she has gained all that weight!

Now it’s very easy for you or me to say “Well here’s how to cheer yourself up – get out and get some exercise, eat better, lose that weight, and watch your man go as crazy for the sight of you as he was before!” After all, the reason I’ve never had a weight problem is because there’s nothing I enjoy more than running around in nature, burning off every bit of energy I can. (Okay, there is another reason, that Handsome feeds me healthy food and keeps it limited, but I don’t like him to be reminded that that does any good, in my hopes that he starts giving me three pizzas a day instead!)

The problem is that that will never work. She’ll hear it all as complaints about her weight, which make her feel bad about herself, which will lead her to feel even more hopeless and undesirable, and spend even more time on the couch.

So your job is to Continue reading

0 How to get fit and lose weight, when you hate sports

Doglover 101 asks: My mom’s always been the athletic type since she was my age (12,maybe even younger) and she has always tried to make me do at least one. But in P.E everyone literally hates me, I’m always last, and if someone does pick me to be on their team it’s because they’re trying to be polite/friendly and there’s always someone groaning and saying “Ugh, why her?” They always tell me “Oh my god, at least try!” and when I do, “Pft, what was that?” and cue the laughter. Popularity in my school is based on your ability in sports (it’s so unfair if you ask me.) And well all of the popular kids, except like two, hate me. I’ve been bullied by most of them, but I got around that when I finally made some good and real friends. I keep trying to tell my mom that everyone’s just too competitive and mean when it comes to sports but she just won’t have it. She says I need to lose some of my fat and I agree. I’ve even looked up the average weight for a girl my age: 41 kg. A friend of mine says it depends on your height (I’m about 5’3) so I asked another of my friends who’s just a few cm shorter than me and she says she weighs 56-8 kg. I’m bloody 61.8kg! I’ve never been insecure about anything until this year, my stomach’s HUGE and mom says that it’s a little longer than normal. I hate my body and just want to be skinny, like all the other prettier girls. It’s not just that: *I have blackheads all over my huge nose and chin *I have tan lines from my glasses *One eye’s a little bit more closed than the other *I have the deepest voice out of all of the girls *Since I’m blonde, I practically have NO eyebrows *I have the darkest bags under my eyes even though I get 9-10 hours of sleep *My deodorant always comes off and I stink through out the day. *I always slouch *I have these brown spots, like beauty marks ALL over my face (I’m pretty sure it’s because of my ethnicity, I’m from Lithuania) *This one rep spot has been on my nose all year and it’s the sort of spot that you can’t pop, it’s like a part of my face. * My stomach fat is just the main problem with me. *I always have dandruff! So, I’ve been trying to find a sport and key word being ‘trying’. So I can at least have a better stomach but all of the sports just seem too boring and competitive. I want to actually enjoy a sport and not have to worry about people laughing and hating me. Sometimes I just feel too fat to belong in this world. How can I find a sport I like Shirelle? I’ve been trying and trying but I have the worst aim and strength. I’ll try anything except soccer (way too many people play that in Ireland), swimming (I don’t know how), and ice skating (no, just no). Help? Sincerely, Doglover 101.

Hi Doglover 101 –

Oh I am so sorry!  I have always been enormously athletic (enough that lots of humans were frightened of me when I was younger – I wasn’t fierce or mean, but they were terrified of all my friendly strength and energy!).  But my friend Handsome was just like you.  Except that he was tall and thin, so he looked like he should do well in sports, while being awful in all of them!  He was usually the last one picked for anything (even over the shortest or, yes, chubbiest, kids).  And so, just like you, he hated P.E. – even though it ought to have been fun to get out of class and do something active instead of listening to a teacher drone on about whatever.

So there is nothing I can do to make you enjoy being treated badly by your classmates.  The more of them you befriend, the better chance they’ll treat you better, but I know that’s hard to achieve.

But I do have an idea.  And, of all sources, it came from that dorky guy I live with!  You see, once a person reaches age – oh, I’ll say 25 – they start thinking about all the things they wish they’d done differently when they were young.  And they start talking about it to themselves.  Most often in the shower.

So I’ve always liked to sit outside the shower when Handsome is washing, just because I like being near him, but also because he sometimes sings and I like that, and because I never know if the day might come when he walks out of there with a plate full of fresh-baked cookies and it slips out of his wet hands and they go all over the floor and…!

And do you know what I hear him talking about most of the time when he’s in there?  (When he’s not singing some love song from seventy years ago with all the lyrics changed to be about me?  Oh this guy is sooooo good!)

He talks about what he’d do if he could go back in time.

And most of the time, he talks about what he’d do about his pathetic athletic ability.

So I’m just going to steal from his silly rants, and give you his suggestions.

First of all, at least for now, Continue reading

0 How to get through auditioning for something you really want

Vanessa asks: I just got the chance to audition for Disney. I want to go and live out my dream, but I’m worried about being rejected. What do I do?

Hi Vanessa –

Isn’t this always the way?  The more we want something, the more scared we are of not getting it, because that rejection hurts so much!  But still – we want to try, because we want it so much. So we go kind of nuts!

So I get it.  Other auditions are a nice little dog treat, and this one’s a barbecued steak!

So I can’t tell you not to be worried, but I can say that the more you reduce that fright – especially when you get up to audition – the better you’ll feel, and the better you’ll do.

But how?

The first – and most important – thing for you to know about this is that Stage Fright is the most common greatest fear in the human race.  Let me clarify what I mean: when people are asked in surveys “What is your greatest fear,” and there are answers like illness, death, and losing all your money, they answer “Public Speaking” more often than anything else!

We dogs don’t have as big a problem with this, because we don’t have self-awareness and self-consciousness in the way humans do (simply because our brains are smaller).  But I sure see humans freaking out about it a lot, so I can offer you a few suggestions to help you with it (try them out and see which ones work for you, and don’t worry about the Continue reading

0 How to win a lost friend back

Jess_daniel asks: Me and my best friend, Jamie, got into a big fight. We’ve been friends for 4 years. It’s been going on for 2 weeks and every time I say hi or anything she says she’s busy. I miss her so much and I just want to be friends again because I don’t know what id do without her. Please help me.

Hi jess_daniel –

This is so hard, and I really relate.  There have been times when I really upset my human friend Handsome, and I want to make things better but he just pulls away.  I go jump on him, and he pushes me off.  I bring toys and put them into his lap, and he just lets them drop onto the floor.  I bark at him to play, and he puts me outside.

Now the difference between our situations is that this treatment from him lasts maybe an hour at worst.  He’s so crazy about me that he always wants to scratch my ears before long.  While you’ve been dealing with this for weeks, and don’t know how much longer it will go on.

But you have one advantage I don’t.  You can Continue reading

0 How to get over someone

Libra 10.8 asks: I’ve known this guy for two years and can’t seem to let things go. The whole thing is pretty stupid on how the whole situation started and ended. There are strong feelings and emotions that are hard to face on my own. Feelings and emotions that I can’t really overcome or explain. I even get myself jealous over thinking about him with another girl. I really got myself attached to this person having no idea why; ever since then I’ve became more insecure about my self. Trying to let this person go but it’s becoming more difficult.

Hi Libra 10.8 –

I wish I could help you, but I would need to know a little more about what’s happened, to give you any specific advice.

What’s clear from your letter, though, is that you are way more attached to him than you’d like to be.  I’m hearing that great old song in my head that goes “I don’t like you, but I love you, seems like I’m always thinking of you, oh oh oh you treat me badly, I love you madly, you’ve really got a hold on me.”  Is that pretty close?

If so, then my advice is to do Continue reading

0 What should a depressed teenager do

Confused asks: Okay so I’ve been depressed since I was about 7. I wanted to kill myself by the time I was 8. I started cutting myself when I was 10, but I haven’t cut since I was 11. I’m so stressed and tired of everything. There are some days in which I’ll wake up wanting to die, but there are other days where I wake up thinking life is beautiful. Then there are the days that I wake up not caring if I died at any given moment. However, I’m tired of feeling like this.I want help, but I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I never talk to them about anything personal, and they get mad at me for that. I think that if I tell them that I want to go to therapy, they’ll get even more mad at me. Plus, I don’t know why I’m depressed. I have everything I could ever ask for; I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a loving family, good grades, and other positive things. I just don’t understand why I’m like this. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

I’m very glad you’re not cutting anymore.  If you start to feel a huge craving for it again, please go to the home page here and put “cutting” into the search box, and you’ll see some suggestions for ways to deal with that feeling.

Of course I don’t know your family at all, but I’m inclined to think (and hope) that you might be a little wrong about your parents.  The way you describe your situation to me, with you knowing your life is good, but feeling depressed anyway, makes me think that if you described your situation just that way to them, they probably wouldn’t get mad.  Instead, they’d want to try to figure out what’s wrong.  And getting a professional to check you out is a great way of doing that.  You might have an actual chemical imbalance, where some sort of medication could help – and if that’s the case, it would be very helpful to your life to deal with that.

But more likely, WAY more likely, you’ve just gone through some tough times. I don’t know how old you are (except that you’re over 11), but it is very normal for teenagers to go through times when they feel very depressed.  It mostly comes from the fact that everything in your life is changing – outside of you and inside of you – in ways you can’t understand or control.  And so you’re just stuck like me in a crate – unable to move forward or backward, or even get comfortable, with no sign of anything changing anytime soon.

But you also tell me that you’ve had these feelings since you were eight.  And that is too much!

So I wish I had some other suggestions, but I really only have three for right now.  The first is to do just what you’re afraid to Continue reading

0 What to do after you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of your crush

Sarah asks: Hi Shirelle, so I came out of class and I wanted to get something to eat because the cafeteria was closed and the only way I could’ve gotten something to eat was by going to my school’s mini store which is where my crush works. At first, I went straight to my room because I was too scared and nervous to go in that store. But, something told me that I had to face my fears and I had to stop letting this guy stop me from getting something to eat. So I gathered up the courage and went to the store. When I went, he was the cashier for the night!!! I just walked in took what I wanted and gave him the cash hoping he would not say anything to me. Guess what he did say something to me — and I didn’t know what to say. I was so embarrassed because he stared at me waiting for a response and I was just standing there nervous and awkward. Pleased help me to cope with this.

Hi Sarah –

The answer to your question is… that there is no answer.  Your complaint about how you’re acting in front of your crush is exactly the way every person in the world has acted in front of their crushes, since time began!  You’re so excited by their presence, and so scared of doing something wrong, that your body goes into an emergency mode.  It’s kind of like if you press the accelerator and the brake of a car all the way down to the floor at the same time!  It’s completely exciting – and there’s no way for it not to be embarrassing and fun at once.

You might have heard, in a biology class or something, about something called “Fight or Flight.”  Most mammals have this.  Think of what a cat does when I show up in the yard — it’s suddenly very nervous, and its brain goes into hyperdrive, as it screams out inside, “I’ve got to run away!  I’ve got to run at that mutt and scratch her nose!  I’ve got to stand perfectly still and hope she doesn’t see me!”  All of these happen at once.  Eventually, the cat will make a decision (usually it’s to run like blazes and shoot up the nearest tree, driving me nuts!).  But until it does, it’s in that same place you were.  Just electrified.

So now, to your question…

Of course, there’s nothing you can do to change what happened, although it may not be as bad as you think; you may find it hard to believe, but while your whole system was going wacko, on the outside you might have appeared completely normal, just quiet and disinterested.  So it’s possible there’s nothing at all to worry about.

But what if that wasn’t the case?  What if this guy, who you are so crazy about, saw you being nervous and confused and eager… in other words, what if he saw that you really like him?

Well… isn’t that actually a good thing?!

See this is where we pups have easier lives than you guys.  If I like someone, I do everything in my power to show them I do!  I jump on them, lick them, chase my tail when they walk into the room… I can’t think of a single reason why I wouldn’t want them to know I adore them.  But I know you humans are different.

So here’s my thought.  Just try to Continue reading

0 How to tell if you have ADHD

Dan Man asks: I think I have ADHD. All the symptoms point to ADHD as I’ve had problems focusing, impulsivity, inability to sit still, and hypersensitivity, but I’m only 13 and my mother laughs at the prospect of me having ADHD. School is becoming really difficult for me and I always say things at the wrong times. Do I have ADHD? Psychologists are out of the question. How do I fix this, or get my mom to believe me if I do?

Hi Dan Man –

Well, I relate.  Lots of people say I have ADHD too.  But we dogs can’t get medication for it, or even psychotherapy.  So instead I just live my life, excited lots of the time, not very focused, and enjoying my life immensely.

Which is a LOT easier for me to do than you, since I’m not in school, and never have to do homework!!!

So here’s the deal with ADHD.  Some people really have it, and lots who get labeled with it don’t have it.  If you truly have it, it’s an actual biological/medical condition, where part of your brain that’s good at focusing and control isn’t working well enough, and needs to be jolted a bit.  So there’s one test you can do, without going to a doctor, to see if this is truly true of you.  And that’s to, before you go to school, have a Continue reading

0 What to do when it seems everyone’s against you

BVB Army writes: It’s been nearly a year now since I’ve sent an email, and right now I don’t know what else to do. Basically this year has been absolute crap. I don’t know where to start. In September it was OK, me and my friends were close, we went to each others houses nearly every week, we talked about anything and everything. I loved it but my mom obviously didn’t, she hates my friends and I don’t even know why; they’re the nicest people on earth! Because one of my friends has family issues, she thinks she’s a bad influence (because she does what she wants). And when I came home from school and my mom asked me if I hung out with my friends and I obviously said yes, she got really mad at me. And then her main goal was trying to stop me hanging out with my friends, so she stopped letting me go to their houses or letting them come over. I literally begged and she wouldn’t budge and that’s when my year started getting bad. I felt trapped in my house like a prisoner and I felt like I was constantly being watched in school because every time I came home my mom somehow knew who I had been with and what we were doing. It was scary and I cried so much back then. I couldn’t take it so I started sneaking out in the middle of the night to get away. It was great and they still haven’t found out about it. Then there was a 5sos concert coming up and that was the band me and my friends had in common, so my friend booked the tickets and told us the next day and it was soo awesome, but when I asked my mom if I could go, she said no and blamed my friends because she they booked the tickets and that’s not true because I’ve always wanted to got a concert but only had the guts to ask this year. Also this year I took your advice and tried talking to my mom a bit more but it always ends in tears because either I say something about something and she gives me a lecture and I get annoyed at her, or I start saying my opinions and she hates them and then we don’t talk. I hate that she brings religion up because she’s not that religious, but always brings up beliefs and stuff. I can’t stand listening to them because I’m Atheist (she doesn’t know that though; if she did I’d probably be disowned!). And the fights were regular and it was annoying. I hated fighting but I also hated backing down. Before I was quiet, but now that I actually want to be heard, no one is listening to me. She blamed my friends for the fights so I stopped hanging out with them; I just gave in to her because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I felt like crying nearly everyday and music was my only outlet, but that got taken away from me as well, and I couldn’t talk to my friends or my mom would know, but then I stopped caring and started talking again to my friends. But they changed –especially my best friend. She’s angrier and she never talks to me anymore and it hurts because I helped her through bad times when we were in year 7 and 8, listening to her problems and supporting her, but now she doesn’t really say much and hangs out with her other friends, which I don’t mind but it hurts really badly. At one point it was all too much and I overdosed on some pills, but I told my friend and she looked online to help me and it did help. But I’ve been regretting actually staying alive because I feel like I cause problems in my home. I’ve been contemplating it again because no one cares anymore – even I don’t! In school I have not cared about anything and I’ve probably failed all of my tests and I have no motivation to go further. My mom’s always busy with her work. I hate her job – it’s stupid and it annoys me because she doesn’t even look after my two-year-old brother properly and I have to do it and I hate it (but I love my baby brother). My mom doesn’t even take interest in my work or the stuff I like; she looks down upon it. I like creative things like drawing or writing, but they’ve never seen them (except my dad who accidently read a poem I wrote, but he called it a stupid rhyme, which hurt me a lot because I pour my heart and soul in to my poems and songs, and I write them whenever I want to cut, but they’ve become darker and more insane-sounding. I don’t know what to do because I can’t feel anything and my life at home is a lie. I have to fake everything because, if I don’t, bad things will happen. I need some advice!

Oh BVB Army!

I’m very glad you wrote me, more than I can say.  But at the same time, I might make you feel bad about it because I have to tell you, my heart HURTS from reading this!  It’s like someone stuck a couple of knives into it.  This letter is so sad, and so frustrating, and so frightening.

So why am I telling you this?  Because my dear friend, you are stuck in a place where you aren’t able to realize how much you matter to others.  Your parents might be doing a rotten job of parenting right now, but I’ll bet they care more about you than even they realize.  And that friend who saved you when you took those pills?  That friend LOVES you.  And so do those other ones you sneak out to see.  You matter a LOT to them.  You’re in their hearts, just as your letter got you into mine.

And so I am sitting up and BEGGING you, BVB Army, to never ever ever try something like that overdosing again.  You have no idea how many people you have who would be devastated by it.  I mean, truly, it would be the worst experience they’ve ever known.  And they’d never get over it.

Now I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty.  I just want you to realize how, even when your parents are being complete boneheads, you matter.  In fact, their behavior only tells me about them, and not about you at all.

So I know you’ve taken my advice before about trying to speak to them, get conversations going, and you say that simply didn’t work (it even made things worse).  Okay, then I want you to do something else.  I want you to Continue reading

0 Is it okay to get an instrument and not take lessons?

Doglover101 asks: I’ve been wanting to play either the guitar or piano for a bit and have asked my mom to buy one of them or check them out in a music store. We might be going on Monday but here’s the problem… My mom would let me get one of them but always says that I’d have to go to lessons. I don’t want to play professionally or go to lessons, I want to do it for fun… But my mother won’t let me. Help?

Hi Doglover101 –

This is a tough one, and I’m on both your sides on this one. Not that you shouldn’t have fun, but… Let me try talking about it in terms of my favorite subject, dogs.

Every day, kids around the world say they want a puppy. And most parents say that’d be fine, but that they would need to do lots of chores (walking, cleaning up, grooming, training), and suddenly that bundle of loving fun sounds like a ton of work.

Then, very often, the kids agree, and the parents go to a pound or shelter or breeder or store, and get a puppy, and the whole family falls in love with the little nibbler at first sight. All is wonderful… at first. But then all those chores start having to be done – but they’re not. The puppy isn’t walked, so it messes up the house. He isn’t trained, so he chews up valuable stuff. She isn’t groomed so there’s hair everywhere… and bit by bit, instead of being what everyone loves, the puppy becomes an annoyance. The parents threaten to give little Buttonface away if the kids don’t start doing what they said, the kids forget, the parents give the pup back to where they got it, and everyone is resentful and miserable.

Now, of course I’m not comparing a wooden box with strings to a living breathing loving puppy. But often the same sort of thing happens – a guitar or piano seem so fun and cool at first, and they make all sorts of noise, and you can figure out how to play some songs you like… but then the novelty wears off. And as with any other toy or game, you lose interest in it.

But the difference between a piano and a toy is that a piano costs hundreds of times more (and a good guitar is also worth a lot).

So I definitely understand why your mom doesn’t want to spend all that money if you’re not going to devote yourself to mastering the instrument. But at the same time, how can you know you really want to put all that work in before you get a chance to have the fun with it you’re picturing?

So here’s my thought: Continue reading