0 What to do when your ex pulls you back in and pushes you away

Chica asks:

I am still stuck on this one guy. We speak once or twice a week, though I am the one who texts first and his replies are usually short. He is dating someone else. He barely talks to me like he used to before. But Shirelle, I am still stuck because of one reason: he once drunk dialed me and said things like he wished he could say things he actually felt, he wished my parents had accepted us, he wished for us to have a happy story… During that call he was constantly saying I am the only one who actually gets him, who knows him, etc. I did not know what to say. Because I never expected him to feel all this, I used to think he had moved on and I didn’t matter. But after that call I am confused. Also, one of his close friends told me that he and his girlfriend had a huge fight because he was constantly talking about me in drunken states, and also said that this new relationship is just an escape for him. His friend told me he thinks that he is with that girl just to get over us, as it is way too difficult to carry on with our relationship after the way our parents reacted. I too feel that he is trying to escape from our situation. His friend also mentioned that he wanted me to hate him, hence he behaved the way he did. He wanted me to move on, so that it would be easier for both of us. I really don’t know what to do. I do want to move. I try to convince myself everyday that he does not care, that I am not important to him. But still somewhere my heart is not ready to accept that he is done with me. It  truly feels like he is pushing me away so that my parents don’t create a scene again and don’t harm me the way they did before.  I really don’t know what he feels. All I know is we both still connect, and we both still understand each other’s pain. I feel like there still is this weird spark between the two of us. Please tell me what to do

Your Mate,

Chica

Hi Chica –

So I can’t tell you, or anyone, that you’re right or wrong to feel the way you do about someone.  Feelings are feelings, not facts, and they can’t be right or wrong.

But I can, and will, make a suggestion.  I want you to imagine me, or if you have or know a dog you really love, picture them instead!  Now imagine you’re with me or that dog, and we approach two bowls.  One of them has regular dry dog food inside it, with a sign that says “This is very healthy.”  While the other has a delicious roasted lamb dish inside, still warm so the smells are just heavenly, but it has a sign on it saying “This might be poisoned.”   Now you know that I, or that other dog, is going to head toward that lamb, right?  But do you stop us?  I mean, the lamb’s sign only says it “might” be poisoned.  It might be just fine too, right?

But my guess is that you lead us to the boring one!

You love this guy.  He’s fascinating and passionate and has expressed all sorts of wonderful things to you.  But he’s also shown you that he can’t be trusted.  He’s all about you one day, and all about hating you, or resenting you, or hating your family, or loving this other girl, the next day.  Now he’s even shown that he can’t be trusted by her, because when he’s with her he’s sometimes talking about you!

Love him, Chica.  Feel all you do for him.  Just as I love the smell of that lamb.  But I’m going to direct you away from him, because as long as he’s the way he’s been, he is GUARANTEED to hurt you, again and again.  He has done an excellent job of proving to you exactly the sort of person he is and the way he treats others, especially those he’s romantically involved with.

Now as I said in my last letter to you, he might grow up.  He might change.  He might become a really fantastic man… someday.  But he’s not there yet.  Currently he’s many cool things, but he’s not trustworthy in any way.

Many years ago, my human friend Handsome was very much in love with a woman who treated him kind of the way this guy’s treating you, though they were a couple at the time.  She’d be all loving and adoring, and then pull away, over and over.  Eventually she broke things off with him completely, and he was devastated.  And a dear friend of ours said something amazing to him, that changed his life.  “I know you’re heartbroken and I hate seeing you feel so bad.  But I’m glad she broke things off.  I couldn’t stand to watch her treat you like that anymore.”  

I suppose, deep down, he still loves her to this day, at least somewhat.  But his friend was right.  That relationship couldn’t go anywhere, except to keep dragging him down.  

If you go back to this guy, I’ll support you in any way I can.  But I’d be happier if you told him, “Come back when you’ve grown up,” and found yourself some other friends to hang out with, and maybe another boy to fall for.  Or better yet, what he’s not yet:  a man!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend moves away and doesn’t have time for you

anonymous asks:

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years.  My girlfriend just got into college 4 months ago, and recently she made some friends and, despite her busy schedule and assignments, she spends more time with them, and barely gives me any attention now.  It’s difficult to communicate with her about this because she gets angry. It’s been happening for 2 weeks.  Any help please?

Hi anonymous –

What you and she are going through is very normal, and really annoying, I know.  She went into a new world, and probably leaned a lot on your support while adjusting to it.  But now she’s there, she’s surrounded by it, and it’s her new universe.  She can still love you, but all her attention is on the people she spends her days with.  (Ironically, you’re going through what your parents probably went through with you a few years ago, when your attention veered from them to your schoolmates!)

I wish I could promise that she’ll put all her attention back onto you, but the truth is she’s on a journey that will likely lead many directions.  Tomorrow she might want your company more than anybody’s in the world, and the next day she might be obsessing about an argument between two of her dorm-mates.  And of course, at times, she’ll actually be focused on her studies!

And is it possible she could get more interested in someone special there too?  Sure.  I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, but just to say that nothing is predictable right now.

Nor should it be.

Are you going to be heading to a college in the future?  If so, you’ll go through the same things she is now.  And yes, a big part of the joys and difficulties of this experience involve your whole sense of your world changing. 

(I should say, I haven’t had to go through this myself.  I’ve only heard about it.  But I know that my human friend Handsome going to college broke the hearts of his two dogs then.  He’d come home of course, but it was never the same as it had been.  Their lives were fine, but he’d been their most special human, and… well, you know what we dogs are like!)

So what can you do about this?  One thing: Support Her In All She Does.  Show interest in her friends, let her know you care about her life, even the parts you might not be crazy about.  Be the best friend she has, the one she can always depend on. 

But at the same time, build your own life too.  Make more friends, get out more.  Keep yourself from being “that guy” who’s so obsessive about her that she feels suffocated.  And the more interesting stuff you have going on, the more likely she is to turn her focus to you.  “Yeah I have a big exam tomorrow, but I can’t study without hearing about how your night singing in that coffee shop went!” 

As I said before, nothing is predictable, nothing is guaranteed, right now.  Except that she’s going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions and connections.  And the further she pulls into that world out there, the more she’ll need the stability you offer.

It’s like when Handsome takes me to the dog park.  I fly into pure ecstasy the second I get out of his car, and rush to sniff everything I can, meet all the pups, play with anyone who’ll play with me, and get someone to run all my thrilled energy with me!  And then, suddenly, something happens.  I realize, I’m out there, in a field full of strangers.  I’m alone.  I have no one.  And… WHERE IS HE?!  I run around, looking, and find him, and run straight to him.  Jump on him.  Get a reassuring cuddle and lick his face…

And that’s just enough for me to run off again. 

But he knows I’ll always come back.  Especially when he calls.  Because I need him to want me, to need me.  And to take me home where I can sleep off this glorious experience.

Your girlfriend is in something bigger, sure, but in a lot of ways she’s just playing in the dog park like me.  So do what you need to do for yourself, and be there for her in any way you can.  And hopefully, and most likely, she will appreciate having the best anonymous in the world, just as I appreciate my Handsome more than I can say.

Stay Strong!  Vacation will come soon!

Shirelle

0 Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

            Handsome told me about a really interesting photo he saw recently.  Two signs are hanging on a fence, not quite even.  One of them says “You Matter.”  And the other says “Don’t Give Up.”  But because they’re next together, you could read them as saying “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.”  It’s all in how your mind takes it in.  And I’d argue, what your mind chooses to take in.

            Now the point of the photo is to be funny, but I think there’s something really important in it.  We see evidence all the time that can be used to argue one point or another.  For example, I see a squirrel a few meters away from a tree; is that good news for me (I can chase him and catch him), or for him (he’s close enough to get up the tree before I get there)? 

            Or maybe a boy you like at school asks you what you got on a question from last night’s math homework.  Does that mean he was looking for a reason to talk to you, or that he’s only interested in you because you’re good at math?  Same evidence, different reading.

            Or… We’ve all seen a sixteen-year-old girl speaking out about how humans have been ignoring the damage they’re doing to the planet, while governments and industries dismiss or deny her words.  Does this mean the human race is moving forward into a new era of ecological responsibility?  Or that ‘The System’ is too powerful for even the strongest voices to change anything?

            Both.  Or Either.

            So let me go back to that squirrel (as I’m highly inclined to do).  Now I could decide that he’s too close to the tree, and not chase him, and I’d be fine.  I wouldn’t have the fun of chasing him, or the thrill of catching him, but I’d be no worse off than I was before.  Or I could chase him and fail to catch him, and feel some disappointment.  Or I could chase him and catch him, yippee!

            There’s not a right choice, or a wrong choice.  But, as some serious philosophers who know a lot more than I do have said, the choice I make defines me, at least to a certain degree.  Either I’m the kind of dog who takes the chance to chase that squirrel, or I’m not.  And in the long run, that definition will matter a lot more than whether or not I catch him.  It’ll be my essence.

            So when that cute boy asks you for that help, who are you?  Are you the girl who tells him “no,” because you’re sure he’ll only hurt your feelings by ignoring you afterward?  Or are you the girl who helps him but then runs away out of nervous shyness?  Or are you the girl who says “I can give you the answer, but that’ll only help you for the moment.  Want to meet up after school at the library, and I’ll explain it to you so you can pass the test as well?”  Oooh, I know which one I’d want to be!

            Now again, he might say no.  He might be busy, or he might be a horrible jerk who says “No, if people saw us together it’d ruin my reputation,” and you’ll cry all night. 

            But again, who are you?  How you choose to look at his question will define that.

            In my country, we have a leader who most voters didn’t want; he got elected by a weird rule from 230 years ago that really makes no sense.  Since then, he’s never gained popularity, and a lot of people who hadn’t known what to think of him now see him as a lying criminal.  The next election is later this year, and the opposition party is engaged in a big battle for who they’ll nominate to go up against him, but in most polls, every one of them comes out ahead of him.

            So why is it that, every day, I hear people bemoaning the “fact” that he’s going to get re-elected?  He’s unpopular, he’s lost far more supporters than he’s gained over time, and he’s gotten caught at numerous illicit activities.  So why aren’t they celebrating?  Yes he might win, through fair or unfair means, but the odds are in their favor.  So why?

            It’s those signs.  They’ve gotten so used to being disappointed about him, they’re seeing “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.” Instead of the other.  They’re seeing the squirrel being close to the tree, not just out of distance of it.  They’re seeing the polluters win over the outspoken girl.  And they’re preparing themselves for the boy to ignore them after getting that right answer.

            Of course, some goals are unattainable (I can’t catch flying birds) and some are easy (I never have trouble getting the dinner Handsome leaves out for me).  All I’m talking about is the in-betweens.  The Hards.  But again, you get to choose what you do when you see those.  And that means you get to choose exactly who you are.

            A beautiful old song sings, “The difficult I’ll do right now.  The impossible will take a little while.”  That might be taking things a bit far, but I can tell you, until I get so old my legs can’t lift me up, I will always chase that squirrel.  Not because I’ll catch him.  Just because I don’t want to be that dog who doesn’t.

            Be who you choose. 

            After all, who else would you want to be?!

0 How to deal with great guys wanting you, while you want freedom

JuicyBest asks:

I dated a guy for almost three years, and I cheated on him, but despite everything I did to him he still said he loves me. I broke up with him because I started dating a guy who I recently broke up with, and he still says he loves me. The truth is, for now, I just want to be single because I’m 19, and 300 level in university and I want to focus more on me, school, and a business I intend setting up for myself when we resume.  But I don’t know If my plans are ok.

Hi JuicyBest –

So, um, I have to say, I think your plans are FANTASTIC!  Sure I would have suggested you not cheat on your boyfriend, but you were young, and it’s a lot better than cheating on a husband when you have three kids and a house!  So, hopefully you learned from that experience.  

And in fact, that’s what I’m getting most from your letter – that you’ve learned a lot from experience.  And this has put you in a place where, although two good (or great) guys are saying they love you, you want to focus on your schooling and setting up a business.  I think that’s just great!

You do have a couple of choices, though, now.  You could tell one or both of these guys that you need to be single for a while (say, a year or two), but you’d love them to stay in touch with you, maybe hang out at times, but just not get involved physically or romantically.  One good thing about doing that is that you’d get to learn a lot about them.  Would one say “Forget it, if I can’t have you for a lover, I don’t want anything to do with you!”?  Well that would tell you a lot about what kind of partner they’d be long-term, wouldn’t it!  Or if one says “Okay, but I’m going to need to date other women while I wait for you,” you’d get a chance to see what sort of guy he’s like with other girls – how he treats them, what he learns (maybe he’d even come to you for advice!).  Or, yeah it’s possible one of them could say “I’ll just stay single and wait for you.”  And that would say a lot too.

What I love about what you’re doing is that you’re setting your boundaries, and saying who you are and what you want.  How these guys, or anyone else, treats you is then up to them.  But you will then learn who likes or loves you AS YOU WANT TO BE, and who can’t accept it.  Which is just the best stuff to learn for your future!

After all, if Handsome didn’t love the wild uncontrollable puppy I was, there’s no way I would trust him to love the more mature goofball I’ve become!

So I say to go for it.  And maybe let me know what this cool business is!  I’m really impressed!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to avoid being taken advantage of

PERFECTION asks:

I have had enough of being taken advantage of by people. Being so vulnerable, being good, and all. Letting them just use me the way they want to. I usually only fight for myself whenever I’m already at my breaking point. Right now I just want people to stop looking at me like I’m someone they can use. 

Hi PERFECTION –

This is a huge issue for lots of people, and particularly for good, kind, honorable people.  You have values and want to live up to them, and find that you’re still getting treated awfully by those around you.

So there are two reasons this might be happening (and both could be true at the same time).  In one case, you’re just unlucky, and live in rough circumstances. For example, let’s say you were a slave, or a victim of kidnapping, or a prisoner of war.  In these cases, through no fault of your own, you’re being treated horribly and denied even your most basic human rights.  Or, at a lesser level, you are treated worse than others because of your skin color or gender or some other irrational prejudice.  In these cases, if there are solutions, they are complex and difficult, and I don’t have the brains to help (There’s a new movie coming out about Harriet Tubman, for example, who led a phenomenal system to help American slaves escape their tormentors.  I don’t have the brilliance to tell you how to do what she did!).

But there’s another situation, where the person being treated badly actually does do something (unintentionally, unconsciously) that brings bad behavior on.  Maybe it’s the woman who picks one abusive boyfriend after another; maybe it’s the guy who can’t keep himself from showing off his intellect and knowledge in ways that anger everyone around him; maybe it’s the child who has that “special something” that makes other kids want to bully them.  In these cases, yes, there is something you can do about it.  But I’d have to

0 What to do when your girlfriend’s ex reaches out to her

Outcast asks: My girlfriend told me yesterday that her boyfriend called her and said he missed her. So I told her to stop talking to him. Then she told me she doesn’t talk to him, its only him who keeps texting her and if she doesn’t reply he calls her.  I told her to block him, but the weird part is she refused to do so, claiming that she feels it’s weird. I asked her why but she told me that she doesn’t have a reason to block his number. I was so upset so I asked her, “Aren’t I a reason enough?” But she just kept telling me she can’t do it. So I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I should just break up with her, since I don’t understand why she would bring someone she says she wanted to forget back into her life, just because she thinks it’s “weird” not to!

Hi Outcast –

Okay, so before I get to anything else in your question, my nose is wiggling wildly at something you said in that first sentence.  You said she told you “her boyfriend called her.”  Her boyfriend?!  Isn’t that you?!  And my big question is, did she refer to this guy as that, or is that just the way you described him to me?

I don’t have any issue with people talking with their exes, as long as everyone’s open and honest about it.  So the fact that she told you he called makes me think she’s not doing anything wrong.  But I would like to know what she told him when he said he misses her.  Did she say “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and you know that we’re not a couple anymore,” or “I miss you too, and maybe we could have lunch sometime, and you can meet Outcast – you’d love him, he’s a great guy!”  Or was she more confused, giving him less clarity about their relationship?

Lots of times people break up, and then one of them doesn’t quite “get it.”  One will think there’s potential for them to get back together when there isn’t.  And sometimes one will even think they are more back together than they are!  So it’s really important that she’s clear with him.  I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, or doing anything wrong.  I’m just saying she needs to make her boundaries clear.  That way, if he’s purposely trying to weasel in and get her back, she’s letting him know that’s not going to happen; and if he’s just missing her and being sweet, she’s gently letting him know he needs to move on.

But that’s all about her, and you’re asking what you should do.  I would suggest you support her in this.  Help her out, give her advice.  Again, she’s being open with you, so help her out.  If she decides she wants to get back together with him, you’ll know it.  But in the meantime, you being the best guy she’s ever known will make that far less likely!

Anyway, it’s worth a try, I think!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to tell if your ex is trying to get back together

Kaushik asks: It’s been 3 years since my ex-girlfriend and I split. There was not much drama at that time. 
However, now she wants to go swimming, running and cycling with me. She also wants me to help her with her home business. My question is, is she trying to get back or give our relationship another shot?
If yes, do I have to take the initiative of asking her about it or should I wait for her to ask me about it?
FYI 3 years ago, she took the initiative to breakup with me, twice. 

Hi Kaushik –

I see this situation a lot.  Three years ago, she felt something was wrong in her romance with you – maybe it was something clear (she didn’t like a quality you had, or she was interested in someone else, or she just wasn’t ready to commit), but maybe it wasn’t; maybe something inside her just said “this isn’t right for me right now.  He’s a great guy, but… something feels off.”

And if she decided to end things for any of those reasons, most likely she was right.  I’m a big believer in you humans listening to your instincts, and obeying those inner voices when you can.

But now, time has moved on, and she’s a little different.  And maybe she’s wondering about getting involved with you again, with both of you a bit more mature.  Or maybe she’s just remembering how great a guy you were, and wanting to have those qualities she loved back in her life.

I don’t know which she’s feeling, or if it’s perhaps a mix.

And more importantly, I don’t care!

What matters to me is

0 What to do when your ex connects to you in your dreams.

Maya asks:

Hi Shirelle 
I’ve been having weird dreams, like every time I go to bed all I can see in my dream are robbers, stealing our property and we’re down again to level zero, with totally nothing. After this dream the next thing I see is my Ex – he’s not acting weird in my dream but when I wake up in the morning, he’s tried to call me, but since I moved on with my life I’ve never bothered myself to answer any of his calls. Anytime I get that weird dream, I must get his call the very next morning or during the day that he tried to call. What’s going on?!
Please help me.

Hi Maya –

WOW is this cool!

I’m not an expert on dreams.  Most of mine, as with most dogs, involve hunting or fighting.  I’d like to have more where I’m getting fed yummy treats and being tummy-rubbed, but those activities seem to be confined to my waking hours – and not enough of them!

One thing I do strongly believe is that different people (and dogs) have different gifts.  One person is musically amazing, another can throw a ball so far with perfect accuracy… and some people have some second sight.  The ability to see something that isn’t visible to the rest of everyone.  Maybe that involves picking up on people’s energies (lots of dogs have that one), or, as in your case, having some ability to predict, or cause, something in the future.

Why am I saying “cause?”  Because I don’t know if your dreams are your awareness that your ex is going to call, or they’re making him call!  It could go either way!

But what’s clear is that, for whatever reason, when you have those dreams, he calls.  And, for now, that’s all we know.  

My advice really has nothing to do with your relationship with this guy.  It’s that I strongly urge you to keep noting anything like this.  Some people keep a pad of paper and a pen by their bedsides, so they can write down their dreams the second they wake up (since our memories of most dreams run away from us faster than a truckload of cats!).  You have a gift.  And we don’t know exactly what it is yet.  But it should be honored and investigated.

Maybe you can predict some things.  Now your lonely ex calling isn’t that big a deal, but what if you could predict something really good, or really bad?  Or maybe, as I said, your dream is actually encouraging him to call.  Well today, you have no power over those dreams, but what if you eventually found that you did?  It would be like prayer or manifestation times a thousand!

So again, to me this is just amazing news.  Yeah, it tells you not to answer your phone without looking when you’ve dreamt of robbers in the last couple of nights.  But it could become SO MUCH MORE!!

Congratulations!  I’m proud to know you!

Shirelle

2 The Space Between – finding the sacred in every day

            I was lying down on the bed, as I always like to do in the middle of the day, with my eyes closed, when I heard footsteps come near me.  And before I opened my eyelids, I realized something: I didn’t know what to feel!  If it was Handsome or a friend of his coming by, that was really good news – I might get petted or even fed a treat.  But if it was a stranger, then I needed to go on the alert – to growl or snarl, to defend our home, or even to run away.  And in either case, my reaction wasn’t so much about the person as about their proximity.  How close they were to me.

            After all, I walk through the world with strangers all the time, whenever Handsome takes me on a walk or to anywhere.  And they don’t mean anything much to me, just maybe occasionally someone to sniff.  But some will come into my awareness, enter my space, connect to my energy with theirs, and suddenly they’re my new best friend, or a serious foe.

            This all made me think about the nature of the space between us.  At this moment right now, there is a space between you and me.  Maybe it’s three feet, maybe it’s twelve thousand miles, but you and I have a spatial relationship (Of course we have another relationship by you reading this, but I’m only talking about physical distance here).  And most likely it’s a space we’re not noticing, that really doesn’t matter at all to us.

            But when someone gets to a certain nearness to us, our sense of that space changes.  Again, maybe that’s a negative – maybe you’re walking down a dark street and someone starts walking too close to you for your comfort, and you’re frightened. 

            But often, very often, the space is something else.  Not negative at all.  Let’s say you’re shopping in a grocery store, and there’s a person a few feet away from you, looking at the salad dressing while you’re looking at olives.  No big deal at all.  But then they turn to ask you about olive oil.  And suddenly everything has changed.  The space between you has a question to it – are they really just asking about olive oil?  Are they attracted to you and trying to start a conversation?  Are they nice?  Do you want to talk to them?  Maybe you like the way they look and hope they’ll stick around?  Or maybe you’re just happy to help a stranger out?  Or maybe you don’t know anything about olive oil and are a little embarrassed?

            My point is that whenever two conscious beings are near each other, there’s a mystery.  Maybe very little (like if you’re next to your sister whom you’ve known all your life, and who frankly bores you, but who could  punch you in the cheek, or not!), or maybe a lot – like before I opened my eyelids that afternoon.  And that, unless one of you is really frightened, the less you know about what to expect, the more magical that space is.  In fact, I’d even call it Sacred.

            Have you ever been to a play?  That moment the curtain opens, you feel an excitement – maybe something will entertain you, make you laugh or cry, change your view on something.  Or when the lights go down in a movie theater and the screen lights up.  The stage and the screen are, to my mind, fully sacred spaces (Of course I’m basing this on what I’ve heard – no one’s ever let me into a movie theater).  Or ask a painter what the most sacred space in the world is, and I can almost guarantee, they’ll tell you “a blank canvas!”

            Or think of when you’ve had a dance at school.  Maybe it’s in a gym.  You’ve had your Physical Education classes there every day for years, but that night it’s different.  The room is full of unknown, of mystery.  Will that person you’ve had an eye on for weeks want to dance with you?  Will they talk with you?  Will they want to walk outside with you?  Will they sneer at you and tell you to go away?  The air is electric with excitement, with anticipation, with fear.  And the walls, the floor, the chairs, everything is new and mysterious.  Now if you have a lousy night, no one wants to dance with you, and you feel lonely and humiliated, then there’s nothing you’re going to see as special there.  But what if there’s even a moment of a chance…  Isn’t the place suddenly a bit more supernatural?!

            What I’m after here is for you, me, all of us, to open ourselves up more, to feel the magic that exists every time we meet anyone.  Not just the materially hopeful side (this person might give me a treat!  Or that one might give you a job!), but that you never know what that person, or dog, is really like.  That you might get something from them that will change your life – a new perspective, a new friend, even a new joke.  And the more we’re aware of that, the more we can feel the sacredness of that space, the beauty of it, the shock of possibility.

            I guess what I’m really saying is that mystery, unless it’s clouded by fear, is always sacred.  The unknown is sacred.  Animals are sacred. And because their whole lives are unknowable, babies are the most sacred thing of all.

            Try it.  Walk up to someone, whether you know them or not, and feel how the energy changes when you’re a meter away, half a meter away, a quarter.  Yes there can be fear, but there’s also anticipation.  And you can use that any way you like.  To look away politely, or to smile warmly, or to have some fun with it.  (Like have you ever stood in an elevator, where everyone politely looks around and avoids each other, and made a silly face and a goofy sound?  THAT is honoring that sacred space in a great way!  I love jumping on people there, where they can’t get away, but Handsome usually keeps me from doing it in case they’re afraid of me.  You don’t have that problem!)

            The potential for love and humor and help is everywhere.  And you can make it your life.  The world can be your temple if you let it.

            Just do what I did on that bed.  Feel it, and open your eyes!

0 Should one pursue someone who’s been a victim of abuse?

PERFECTION asks: I had a fling with someone two years back.  Recently she broke up with her boyfriend, due to physical injuries she’s experienced when they were still together, and I am kind of lost on how to handle things with her. I mean I don’t know what to do, should I lend her some time and space? Or should I keep talking to her? I don’t want to take the advantage of what happened to her lately. It’s been a week and 3 days since the day they broke up, and truth be told I’m scared she’s gonna go back and be with that horrible guy again. 

Hi PERFECTION –

Often I don’t have strong opinions on when to start to pursue someone after a breakup, and just suggest you go with your own sense of where she’s at.  But this sounds like a different situation.

She broke up with him due to physical injuries?!  Does that mean he was beating her up?  Or was he insensitive to her needs after, maybe, she was hurt in a car accident?  Whatever the case, I would imagine she is feeling horribly alone and vulnerable.

Which means it’s a GREAT time for you to reach out.  But not for romance.  

This guy, you say, is horrible.  And I know you’re not.  That’s all you need her to experience.  Call or write her, or even show up at her door.  Be friendly, be caring, be EVERYTHING HE’S NOT.  And be patient.  

Remember, in this regard you humans aren’t that different from us dogs.  We begin as playful trusting puppies, but if some human is mean to us, we’re going to question every human we meet after that.  And we can develop bigotries too – a tall white man kicked us so we’re fine with other people, but will try to bite any tall white man who comes near us, for example.  And while you’re not just like her ex, you’re still a man.  So understand that YOU ARE A THREAT, at least to the traumatized part of her.  As nice as you are, as kind as you are, you need to get her to trust that you’re just as much better than this jerk as you are.

So again, just as if you’d just brought home a rescued abused dog, be Patient, Patient, Patient.

But be there for her.  Today she needs you.  And another day, she may well want you again to.

All my best,

Shirelle