0 Do couples of younger men with older women die younger?

Awerpia asks:

My girlfriend is 3 years older than I am. When we first met I tried to kill what 

I felt for her because of the age gap. But she kept giving me hope and pushing for what her heart wanted.  I fell deeply for her and I still love her. 

Truth is, I can’t imagine dating another person. I can’t imagine my future without her being in it. She’s older but she doesn’t treat me like her “toy boy”. But where we live, hmm, there’s some sort of stigma with marrying or dating an older woman. 

Recently I chanced upon an article that spoke of how men who married older women had a much higher mortality rate than those that married younger girls. The article also describes how detrimental it was for a woman to also marry a younger man in terms of her life expectancy. Shirelle, I really don’t know what to do. But to be honest with you, I’m scared of dying early.  I love her so much. What do I do? Should I follow societal norms and marry a younger woman just so I can live long? Is my love for her worth the risk? Should I follow love, marry her, forget about societal norms and put both our lives at lower life expectancy? Are these articles really absolute?

Hi Awerpia –

I have to say, I’m fascinated by this concern, and the articles you referred me to.  And I have a thought on them, one I don’t seem to see the researchers coming up with.

We dogs don’t have nearly the life expectancy of you people.  Ours, depending on size and breed, is between ten and twenty years.  Yours is in your seventies and up.  

So when my human friend Handsome first brought me home from the pound, he could assume that he’d outlive me by a lot.  That I’d go in maybe fifteen years, while he’d live for at least forty more.  And at first this didn’t concern him at all.  But over time, he fell really in love with me, a lot a lot a LOT.  And eventually he got to the point where he often tells me, “Shirelle, I don’t know if I can bear to live after you’re gone.  I’m not threatening to do anything bad; I’m just saying my heart would give out if you weren’t here!”

I’ve never heard of that happening to a person, to die of a broken heart when their dog or cat goes.  But it happens a lot in good marriages.  In fact, it doesn’t seem to be so much about a broken heart as that when one partner goes, the other follows them soon after, likely because, at some level, they just want to.

If you note, these articles don’t focus on all the bad marriages out there – unless I missed something, there’s nothing about the couple that marries with a 20-year age difference and then divorces.  It’s all about who stays together.

And this is my point.  They say that it’s “better” for men to marry younger women, but “better” for women to marry younger men.  I’m thinking the truth is that, if the marriage is good, then both tend to die around the same time, because they don’t want to live without each other.  And if those deaths happen when the man is 85 and the woman is 65, he’s lived a longer life and she’s lived a shorter.  Or vice versa.

So here’s the funny part of this: if I’m right, what these studies are really saying is that what’s dangerous for life expectancy is falling in love with a wonderful partner you fully attach to!   But of course, that’s the best life anyone can ever ask for!

And if I’m right, then it’s true that you might live somewhat longer if you married a girl who’s currently learning to walk.  But you’d have to spend the next twenty years alone, waiting for her to grow up, before you could date her!

And I’ll throw in another statistic:  Regardless of marriages, women historically tend to live a little longer than men.  

So if you put these two facts together, that women live longer normally, and that happy couples tend to go together, then I’d say that if you and this woman married, you might each live your full life expectancy, and die naturally within a week of each other!  So I wouldn’t worry too much about this one.

Instead, I’d urge you to do what you can to live as long as possible by not smoking, by eating well, by never driving drunk, by exercising, and by staying as happy and fulfilled as you can.  And that last part sure looks like it can most easily be accomplished by hanging with this wonderful lady every chance you get!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when both partners give what they think the other wants, but it’s not

Kez asks:

I feel my boyfriend and I are not getting along well. It’s always about sex and cooking for him, then he goes to drop off. When I need anything he helps me get it, and he introduced me to his sister the last time I visited as the lady he wants to marry in future. But he doesn’t talk to me much. He doesn’t open up to me at all. I don’t really know what goes on in his life. I love him and I want to be part of him, not just his girlfriend, but I want him to open up to me, and I want to feel that I’m part of his life.

Hi Kez –

            So I’m only guessing here, but I’m imagining that I get a letter from your boyfriend, that says, “My girlfriend just doesn’t seem happy in our relationship.  She’ll cook for me, and we have sex, and whenever she wants anything I’ll at least help her get it.  And I’ve told my family, right in front of her, that she’s the woman I want to marry.  But still she seems dissatisfied.  Can you help me?”

            If I’m right, what’s missing in your relationship is communication.  Not just the openness you’re wanting and needing, but simple “Here’s what I need from you” communication.  He wants to please you, clearly, but it looks like he simply doesn’t know how.  And currently there’s no way for him to find out. 

            This is very normal for couples.  And especially, male humans are often not as good communicators as you females, even on what seems pretty simple material.  The biggest reason for this is that little boys are often told not to talk about their feelings, that that’s too “girlish” a thing to do.

            So your job is to help him out by encouraging him.  Tell him you want to know more of what he’s feeling.  That it’s wonderful he wants to marry you, but you also want to know what’s going on inside him – what he likes and doesn’t like about your relationship, what goes on the rest of his day when he’s not with you, and what he thinks about.  Let him know you’re truly interested, that you find him fascinating.

            I know all this can sound kind of silly.  After all, I have a human who feels the same way about me – he’s always wondering what I’m thinking and feeling – and I can’t speak any words at all. 

            But there’s a wonderful direction in all this.  As your boyfriend starts opening up to you, he’s going to value you even more than he did before, because you’ll be the first person he feels comfortable talking with about all these things.  And not only will you feel better about your relationship, but so will he.

            So be kind, and be patient.  But let him know what you’re after.  The possibilities are endless!

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when a friend you’ve helped abandons you

Cupcake11 asks:

I’ve been very upset lately and with things happening at such a fast pace.

I feel like I care way too much about people and there’s probably something wrong with me that’s why everyone just leaves me.

This friend of mine I’ve mentioned earlier who had a really bad break up, and I was always there for her when she needed me, never did anything wrong to her, but even though she had healed a little bit and was absolutely fine, one day she decided to distance herself from me because I was really close to her and she gave an excuse saying she doesn’t need anyone’s love and care. I was shattered, but I still went on to help her because she used to cry behind closed doors, she stopped sharing stuff with me and her ex-boyfriend used to tell me whenever she called him or texted him.

I spoke to her about it and since I overthink a lot I thought a lot about it and kept thinking and it messed me up in the head. I tried my best to help her by not talking about him and just sending her small chits about how she’s amazing the way she is; I even wrote a letter to make her feel good about herself.

I had a separate group of friends I introduced her to, and she was the centre of attention always, everyone loved her and I was happy for her. But then after a small vacation, when everyone got back, she stopped talking to them too, and she suddenly became best friends with someone who’s extra sweet to her and almost does everything according to her ,and I felt like she is using her.

She also became friends with one of those old friends who disrespected her and didn’t treat her well before, a person who is alone, so she got back to her, who in her happy times didn’t even bother to ask how she was.

I was mad at her because we created a group and stated that we’re very busy in our own lives, and she wants to keep that little bond left. I was furious because our lives were never apart and we spent our entire day together, and suddenly she doesn’t talk to me at all. I exited because I really wasn’t  comfortable there, and she asked me why, and I told her how she’s hurt me by randomly ignoring me and intentionally distancing herself and everything.  She didn’t reply, and later she said she doesn’t want to.  When I asked if I’d said anything wrong, she said no. But this one text made me feel like she isn’t the one texting, because she never uses punctuation and she always uses short forms. It’s killing me to not get a reply from her, and also all the thoughts of her probably getting influenced by people or something.

I’m overthinking constantly (when I’m not supposed to) but she’s ruined my mind by leaving and coming back multiple times, and by trying and not trying at the same time. I have no idea what to do.

How can I stop such thoughts?

Hi Cupcake11 –

As far as her recent actions, the pushing-you-away-and-then-coming-to-you, I can’t really give any intelligent thoughts, as I don’t know her and what she’s doing it for.

But with the earlier stuff, I think I can help.  You see, you’re a good person, and really helpful.  But your relationship with her started to become something where your needs were getting involved, and twisted in with her needs (the ones you were helping with).  And when this happens, when a person starts to need others to need them, that can start to feel bad to the ones they’re trying to help.  There’s a word for this, codependence, where one person is dependent on another person’s being dependent on them. 

So your friend really needed all the help you gave her.  But as she got stronger, she started feeling your energy pulling her back from the movement she needed to do.  It was probably part of her healing process to push past you, to re-engage some of her old friendships, and such.  But when this started to bother you, and when you let her know you needed her to be there for you, that was too much for her, and she had to reject you.

Now don’t get me wrong, everyone can fall into this rut.  (After all, I sure need you to write me, which shows that I’m pretty codependent myself!)  But your job is to try to keep aware of it, and then try to reduce it in your life.

There are books and courses to help you with this, but the first step is the most important one – to see yourself doing it.  Once you do, it’s far easier to give this girl some space, because then you can see that she’s doing just what she needs to do for herself, and not feel that it’s about her rejecting you.

I know it sounds like I’m criticizing you, but what I’m really doing is telling you how good you already are, and giving you a way of avoiding unnecessary pain.

When I was a puppy, Handsome spent so much of his time taking care of me.  But once I got the chance to get out into a dog park, I ran off as though I didn’t even know him.  So, did he get hurt by this?  Not in the least.  He knew why I was so excited, and even encouraged it.

What if you did this with that girl?  Told her how cool she was acting, how she was making great decisions, how great her future was looking to you.  Would she walk away?  Absolutely.  But then she’d find those people to be just as cold and unfeeling as they were before.  And she’d come running back to you, the friend who was always there for her.  Just like the way I run back to Handsome in the park, every few minutes!

So I’d say to just go with that.  And see what happens.

And let me know.  Hopefully this works out really well.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re in love, but attracted to others?

Awerpia asks:   I’m in deep trouble. Real time emotional trouble. I love my girlfriend so much. I can’t imagine my future without her being a part of it. We have dated for two years now.  But for the last six months it had to become a long distance relationship because she’s graduated from the university and is now working. I on the other hand have more academic years ahead of me because I’m reading medicine in school. Because of the distance and our different schedules, communication and intimacy have become a very big problem. I hardly get the chance to see her except on social media. Suddenly I have become very hyperactive. Everything seems to attract me. I have become so sexual minded. Girls who wouldn’t have caught my attention when she was around are suddenly looking attractive to me. The only way I try to discipline myself is that anytime I get attracted to another girl I just imagine my girlfriend’s face compare to the person attracting me and I say yes my girl is the prettiest. Sometimes I really have to stare at another lady just to prove that my girlfriend is prettier.  That way the  other girl feels ugly in my mind and the attraction stops. Sometimes I see the same person who used to attract me some days later and I ask myself “what was really attractive about her?” Then I say to myself that my girlfriend is the fairest of them all. She is the prettiest in the world. All of a sudden, there’s this pretty girl in my class whom I can’t stop admiring. She’s equally as pretty as my girlfriend if not prettier. I can’t take her out of my head and it’s just her features that I admire. I keep on comparing her to my girlfriend and I still don’t know if my girlfriend is really the prettiest in the world. And the funny thing is that when my girlfriend was here this girl never caught my attention although a lot of people confessed of her beauty. I feel like I’m cheating on my girlfriend already. I don’t how I would feel if she looks at another guy the way she looks at me. Or even to admire another guy. I feel like I’m really being unfaithful to her. And I can’t afford to cheat on her. I feel like I’m a cheat and I don’t know how to stop these unnecessary attractions. I love my girlfriend and I can’t stand her tears.  Not only about her beauty. I love everything about her even her flaws, her forgetfulness, her temperament even her big forehead. Why can’t I concentrate on loving her to the best like she deserves. Why do I get attracted to other ladies and why can’t I take them off my mind. I want my girlfriend to be the prettiest of them all. Even if she isn’t I want to believe in that lie for the sake of love. Shirelle, how can I love one woman for the rest of my life without falling for these other attractive girls? What do I do Shirelle? Because the last thing I want to see is my girlfriend’s tears. That girl means everything to me!

Hi Awerpia –

            So I have one big answer for you overall: THIS IS NORMAL!  You’re not doing anything wrong.  You are at the age where human males are most sexual; it’s most on their minds, even to an obsessive level.  And you’re at a school where you’re surrounded by girls your own age, many of whom put a lot of effort into being the prettiest they’ll ever be.  If you didn’t notice them, I’d think there was something wrong with you!  It’s like you’re in a gorgeous flower garden and feeling “I shouldn’t be noticing these bright colors!”

            Now what you do  about it is another question.  You sound very committed to your girlfriend, and as long as that’s the case, then yes, it’s best for you to “look but not touch” as they say in the museums!  And, if something should happen to go wrong in your relationship, then it’s nice to know you’ll have many other, um… “flowers” to go sniff!

            But you also brought up another issue, that you’re bothered that you find this other girl actually prettier than your girlfriend.  Well that’s normal too.  And doesn’t bother me at all.

            Imagine it’s a few years from now.  You’ve married your girlfriend, and maybe have a baby.  Five times a night, the baby cries and wakes you two up.  So you see her over and over, with big circles under her eyes, messy hair, and with a grouchy expression, not smelling all so good (actually I’d probably love the way she’ll be smelling, but maybe you wouldn’t!).  At those moments, you’ll look at her and… well, she won’t be the prettiest woman you know. 

            Now imagine twenty years after that, or forty, or sixty.  Will she be as attractive to the eye as she is today?  Most likely not.  And will there be other women, other girls, you see who are lovelier in face or figure?  Almost certainly so.

            But she might still be your favorite object in the whole world to see, to hear, to touch, smell… the “objective” looks just won’t matter as much.

            That’s love. 

            There are some people in my neighborhood who work in a nursery, and whose clothes are covered in manure and other amazing smells.  Oh they’re just the best!  But if I have a choice between running to them or Handsome, I’ll always go to him.  His clothes are boring and smell of detergent.  But there’s nothing I love more than being in his arms, and smelling him.

            So again, Awerpia, all I can say is that what you’re experiencing is normal and fine.  And my best advice to you is to try to worry about it less.  The worry is your big problem.  Seeing beautiful girls and knowing they’re beautiful isn’t – that’s one of the joys of your life, if you let it be!

            All my best,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when you’ve hurt an ex’s feelings

Enah asks: I broke up with a boyfriend last year, but he keeps coming back for some reason. The last time he came back I finally told him that it wasn’t okay for him to keep coming back like this, and he didn’t take it well, so we ended up fighting like we always had. Now I feel bad for saying the stuff I said to him and I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  I don’t want to be that person, even though he said stuff to me, and l’m starting to feel like he might come back again and I don’t want to argue with him again! Would it be okay if I reached out to him and talked to him, just to straighten things out (maybe to apologize), so that this cycle ends for good?

Hi Enah –

         This is always a tough question.  You’ve come from a good place – you didn’t want to be with him anymore, but you wished the best for him, and have tried to do what you could to give him that.  Meanwhile, he hasn’t moved on, has kept attached to you (or gotten more so), and has come back to be with you.  So what do you do?  Kindly remind him of where your heart has moved, or snap at him to get him to go away?

         This reminds me of a really painful experience I had as a growing puppy.  I have very strong legs, and had worked and worked to jump high enough to pull myself over the fence of my back yard.  I didn’t want to run away, I just wanted to know I could do it.  And once I could, I wanted to show it off to all the people passing by.  Oh, it was great – they’d yell in surprise, amazed I could do this feat!  One day, Handsome heard the commotion, and walked out of his house, and his neighbors told him what they’d seen.  So he got some wire fencing, and started to nail it onto the gate.  I saw him there and joyously ran up and jumped high, getting my paws onto the gate to pull myself over, knowing he’d be thrilled and proud of me.  But instead, he yelled a stern “NO!” and pushed me back onto the ground.

         Oh Enah, it hurt so much!  Not the fall, but the rejection!  He wasn’t proud of me, he was angry, and wanted none of it!  I was so sad, I never tried to jump that fence again.

         And of course, that’s exactly what he wanted.

         He hated hurting my feelings, and – I later learned – bragged to everyone he knew about my strength and agility.  But he loved (and loves) me more than his own life, and was terrified of what might happen if I was running around the street.  So he was…  do you know that old song “Cruel to be Kind?”  That was him!  He acted cruelly, to be kind to me.  And his doing that likely has saved my life.

         So I don’t know your ex-boyfriend, and can’t tell you exactly what the right way to deal with him is.  Maybe calling him to apologize would be wonderful and give him what they call “closure” on your relationship – or maybe he’d see it as a sign he should try again.  Maybe being harsher with him would give him the wake-up he needs to move on with his life – or maybe it would just hurt him and make him need to contact you again, either to beg you to be nicer, or to lash out and tell you how awful a person you are! 

         I don’t know.  All I know is that this is tough, and, if he is perceptive at all, eventually he’ll realize you were right and had tried your best.

         But for right now, I’d just say to trust your own gut, and watch to see how he reacts.

         No one likes being rejected, but he’s a lucky guy to have someone who cares this much, even if she’s pushing him away.

         Best of Luck!

         Shirelle

6 The Man on the Roof – the importance of experts

The Man on the Roof – the importance of experts

            Okay, before I get to anything else, let me be very clear on this.  I don’t use, and no dog ever has used, toilet paper!  That’s all on you guys!

            There’s a terrific story – I don’t know where it came from originally.  It tells of a religious man who is warned that a great flood is coming.  But because of his deep faith, he trusts that he’s safe. 

            It starts to rain, and a neighbor pulls up in their car, and offers to drive him with their family, to where it’s dry. 

            “No thank you, I trust in my God, and He will save me,” he tells them.

            They drive off, wishing him the best.  And it keeps raining.

            It rains so hard and so long that the street floods.  Another neighbor comes by, floating down the street in a boat, and offers to let him on.

            “No thank you, I trust in my God, and He will save me,” he tells them.

            And they wish him well and paddle away. 

And it rains yet more.  And the water rises so high that only his roof sticks above water, so he sits on it waiting.

A police helicopter flies over, and from a loudspeaker, orders him to grab the ladder so they can fly him to safety. 

            “No thank you, I trust in my God, and He will save me,” he yells to them.  And eventually they fly off to save other people.

            And it keeps raining, and eventually he is drowned and dies.

            His soul goes up to Heaven, where he, as he had always hoped, meets face-to-face with God. He exclaims his shock and disappointment, “I had faith in you, and you let me die!”

            God shrugs his shoulders and snaps at him, “What more could I do?  I sent you a car, I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter, and you wouldn’t accept any of them!”

            Now today, in our modern technological world, we’ve been sent something else.  Experts.  We have a lot of experts.

            There’s so much knowledge out there, no person could ever know even a small portion of it.  But you have each other, and between the seven billion of you, you guys know an awful lot!  We other animals are constantly impressed.

            But then, we also get shocked when we see you ignoring all that expertise and choosing easier or dumber answers instead.

            We hear of people who insist that our planet is flat, though everyone from physicists to airplane pilots offers proof that it’s not.

            We hear of people who swear vaccines cause Autism, though that has been disproven many times.

            And in just this past month, we’ve heard a global pandemic referred to as no big deal, as a “hoax,” as particular to a particular race of people, or as a military plot, and people being told to buy up all the toilet paper and water they can – all by voices who share one thing in common: None of them are experts, and none were using the information experts told them!

We don’t know, and maybe never will, exactly when the Chinese government first realized there was a new, highly contagious, virus in the city of Wuhan.  But once the word got out from there, we know that there were experts all over the world who had studied diseases, viruses, medical supplies, government reactions and actions, and all sorts of other essential aspects of a situation like this.

And we know that a lot of those experts spoke up.

And we know that a lot of people in governments, in businesses, and in media, found what they said unwanterd, and so ignored it.  Or even lied about it.

And because of those corrupt actions, a lot of people will get sick.  And a lot of people will die.

            But wait, are so-called “experts” always right?  We’ve seen throughout history that of course that’s not the case.  So how do you choose who to listen to, and who to believe?

            I have a solution. 

Now normally I’m a big optimist, but you know we dogs are also guardians, so we have a certain pessimism as well. 

My idea is that if you ignore the experts, you’re a fool.  But if you put all your trust into one expert, they might turn out to be incorrect, or a phony.

But if you listen to, and act on, what all the different experts say, your odds of getting the right answer improve a lot. 

So a person might get sick and be told that a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, vitamins and hydration, or a medical drug would help.  Which should they do? Well, if it’s just a little sniffle, you can ignore it.  Or if it’s a cold you get often, you can just do what usually works.  But if it’s something bad, why not do them ALL, at least as much as you can afford?  In the end, when you get better, you won’t know which of them worked and which didn’t, or if it was a mixture of two or more… but you’ll be well, right? 

            So imagine if, when the news about this virus came to light, every government in the world had immediately invested in testing, started research to develop vaccines and cures, arranged to follow people entering and exiting their borders, to see if any were infected, to limit transmission.  Would there have been needless expenditure?  Sure.  Would one or only a few countries gain an enormous economic boost when they created and patented the right medicines?  Yep.  

And would this have staved off a worldwide humanitarian and economic disaster?  Absolutely.

            Now it’s too late to fix what’s gone wrong.  But on the biggest level (governments, diplomacy) and the smallest (our individual lives), we can learn from this experience.  I don’t know how bad it’s going to get, but no one’s saying the human race won’t survive (and the scientists are now saying we dogs aren’t susceptible to it!  Whew!).  So the world can benefit by our learning.

            But for now, just do me a couple of favors.  Wherever you live, wash your hands with soap more than you normally do, control your coughing and sneezing to keep it from going at people, and DON’T HOARD WATER AND TOILET PAPER!  There’s absolutely no reason to, and you’re creating worse problems than existed before!  (Truly – you’d be in way more danger living in an area where people can’t get toilet paper than you are from Coronavirus!)  Plus it’s just mean.  And at times like this, we need to be as kind as we can.

            Trust me on this.  In this one single area (how we treat others) I am, yes, an Expert!

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend treats you as unimportant

Free pack asks:

I am in a very serious problem in relationship with my girlfriend. She thinks I am unimportant and says that I have always been very weak in front of her, am very emotional, and that I am very possessive. She keeps on giving more importance to other male friends of hers, but ignores me, and doesn’t share anything with me. I feel very hurt and insecure about it. I need help. She still does love me, but I want to fix it.

Hi Free pack –

            Now let me get this straight:  She says you’re unimportant, weak, emotional, and possessive, and she ignores you while paying more attention to other guys?

            Now love is love, and I understand that, so I’m not going to tell you you shouldn’t love her.  But I do have to ask: why would you want a girlfriend like this?! 

            Free pack, there are so many more kind and generous and loving women out there!  This one’s treating you horribly. 

            And you ask me for advice on how to “fix” the relationship.  I guess I’d be willing to offer her one try.  To sit down with her and explain everything you said to me, and then say “I need to know if you’re willing to change all this.   Because if not, I have to leave.”  And once you say it, prove it: If she doesn’t improve, then leave.

            Frankly, I doubt she’ll be able to.  It takes a very particular personality to treat one’s boyfriend this badly, and I imagine she gets a very good feeling by exerting her power.  So your threat to leave would just make her gleefully double-down on her actions, and insist that you go.

            And if she does, I’d say to take her up on the offer.  Leave.

            Then one of two things will happen.  Either she’ll miss you and work to change her ways to win you back, which would be great, or she won’t.  And if she doesn’t, if she continues to act this way, and not admit her faults, then you will be free. 

            Free to meet other women.  Free to build your self-esteem back after all this beating-down you’ve taken.  And free to be yourself again, in a way you probably haven’t been for  a long time.

            So prove her wrong.  Believe in your own importance, be strong, and be the opposite of possessive.  She might well freak out, but you’ll be in much better shape.  And never again will you have to take this abuse from her, or anyone else.

            I know this all sounds negative, but really it’s the opposite: your life is about to begin in a wonderful way it never has!  Believe me, it will get better!

            All my best,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when you have trouble trusting a new boyfriend

Maya asks: I met a guy, he says that he loves me and also willing to start a new life with me, this guy has one kid, but not in a marriage status, and the kid is free to visit both sides, either to see the mum or dad. This guy is 35-37 years I guess not really sure but from the look I can tell. I am young, and I like him, because whenever we get to talk and share some things it just feels good, and it brings a natural feeling of inspiration, and whenever we get to see each other, we evolve happiness. But one thing I don’t like about him – he seems not to be honest and truthful. So Shirelle what step should I make or take to know that am in the right track?

Hi Maya –

            So sometimes I get a complex question, like the one you sent, and have a tough time answering it because there are so many aspects to what I want to say.

            This isn’t one of those!

            You’ve just met this guy.  You don’t know whether to trust him, or even know his exact age!  It’s WAY too soon to marry him, or really to even talk about it.  So your job is to just do exactly what you have been doing, and don’t let him stop you.

            What do I mean by that?  Well, first, enjoy him – you’re having a great time and there’s no reason not to continue that.  But second, listen to those voices inside you that aren’t so trusting.  What is it about him that makes you doubt his trustworthiness?  Maybe you’re wrong, but maybe you’re right.  And until you find out, there’s no reason in the world why you should move to another stage in your relationship. 

            And third – just keep learning more about him, and letting him find out more about you.  Maybe he won’t be as interested in marrying you if he finds out that you can’t go to sleep without watching three reruns of Charmed, or maybe you’ll find you like him even better when you learn that he spent five years volunteering to help stray pups. 

            I’m not saying this relationship is good or bad, or anywhere in between.  What it is is currently delightful, and worth pursuing.  And it’s in that pursuing that you two learn all that really matters about each other. 

            And another point about this – it’ll be better for his child if you two take things slowly.  Get to know that kid, and build a relationship with them.  That matters a lot.

            Also, if it’s possible, getting to know the kid’s mother would be fantastic.  Both so that you two could get along as well as possible, but also — she might be able to tell you some interesting things about this man!  Not necessarily awful stuff, but perhaps some things that might help you out in your deciding.

            But overall, Maya, my main message to you is simple:  Keep things slow, and don’t make any long-term decisions until YOU are ready, and feel comfortable about everything.

            Hoping it goes great!

            Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend has double-standards

101298_kaur asks:

My boyfriend is younger than me and thus he is immature. He always gets angry at very little things, which is quite common I know. But when I get angry in turn he acts like it will destroy relationship.  And if I calm him down then he will always do the same and become dominant. Please give me solution so that he never dominates me and acts more mature.  

Hi 101298_kaur –

         I’m going to say something that’ll feel like I’m ignoring you, but I promise I’m not.  At least as far as your question goes, I don’t care about your boyfriend’s age.  You’re right that his behavior is immature, but this sort of double-standard can continue all the way through one’s life.  And that’s what worries me – not his age.

         A double-standard is when someone says one rule is okay for their behavior, but another is right for someone else.  So for example, if I say all dogs have to obey their humans, except me, that I get to run off when he’s calling me, or jump up on him with muddy paws when he’s telling me to sit.  And your boyfriend is just that kind of dog.

         He’s saying that he has the right to get angry at you, but you don’t have the right to at him.  That in fact, you’ll “destroy the relationship” if you do!

         Well how do you live in that mindset?  You can’t! 

         So the solution is simple.  You refuse to.

         Now there are a few ways to do this.  Maybe you explain to him that you won’t live with that kind of rule, and that your relationship can only last with you two both being able to express yourselves.  And maybe even tell him that your age helps you understand this better.  I like this one.

         Another is that you just start screaming at him that he’s being unfair and stupid, and that no real man would treat a woman that way, and if he doesn’t like you the way you are he can just leave!  I don’t like this as much, but I sure understand how he might push you to it!

         And then there’s the third, which is the sad one – where he just can’t allow you to be yourself in the relationship, so you have to break up with him.

         But let me be clear – ANY of these are better than you submitting to what he’s demanding now, which is that you don’t really exist! 

         If he wants you both to hold back on your anger, that’s at least equal, but can be hard to achieve.  But this one-sided deal?  Nope, that’s no way for you to live.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 Are introverts doomed to be alone?

Enah asks: Is it true that people who are introverts and also have avoidant personality disorder will die alone (because I have a hard time making friends)?

Hi Enah –

Before I answer your question, let me explain a couple of the terms you use. 

First, all people, and dogs, lie somewhere on the scale between Introvert and Extrovert.  The Introvert side is shyer, more focused on themselves, while the Extrovert side is outgoing, focused on and enjoying others.  I am certainly mostly an Extrovert, while my human friend Handsome is mostly an Introvert.  Yet I really value my time curled up alone during the days, and he does love going out with friends, and even enjoys speaking and performing in public.  So whenever someone says they’re one or the other, I figure they mean they’re mostly one or the other.  Lots of famous performers, for example, are wildly extroverted in their work, but deeply shy in their private lives.

And then Avoidant Personality Disorder.  This is an actual diagnosis, a mental illness, where a person’s shyness and sense of inadequacy causes real problems in their ability to interact with others or maintain relationships.  It’s way beyond Introversion, something that gets in the way of nearly every aspect of a person’s life.

So to summarize this, there is nothing wrong with being an Introvert, or leaning that way.  It’s not a good or bad thing, just how a person is.  And it doesn’t make you unlovable.  Some people can’t stand how friendly and rambunctious I am, and prefer calmer dogs.  Similarly, not everyone wants to hang out with loud partiers, as many prefer the company of quieter, more contemplative folks.  So one can live very happily as an Introvert, at least as happily as any Extrovert.  But Avoidant Personality Disorder is a painful, debilitating illness, that should be treated – through therapy at least, and perhaps even anti-anxiety mediations.

But now, to your actual question.  Are Introverts, or people with APD, destined to die alone?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Introverts can work, hang out with friends, marry, raise families, and yes have dogs!  And do so every day.  After all, if only extroverts did these things, only half the population would ever procreate!  Your job as an Introvert is to own your feelings, and not let others force you into hanging with Extroverts you don’t enjoy (You might have to work with them, or have them in your family, but you get to, in your personal time, choose otherwise!).  If you want to meet someone, you don’t have to go to a loud nightclub.  You could research to find a group of people who share an interest of yours – maybe books or movies – and meet new people there.  You can meet people online (though always be sure to be very careful with that, and only agree to meet in a public place, in case they’re lying about who they are).  And of course you can ask your family or friends to introduce you to other people they think you might like.

But if you truly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, again, that’s something that can and should be treated by a professional.  And a qualified one WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU with it, a LOT!

But your question really touched my heart.  You weren’t asking about the joys of making friends or falling in love, but about the very sad fear of dying alone.  So I want to talk to you about someone I write about a lot, my friend Aria.

Aria was born a shy, timid puppy,  She was then abandoned by her human family, got taken in by another family, kicked out by them too, and beaten mercilessly in her training.  She lived out in the wild for a while, afraid of all people.  But eventually she did agree to get taken in by some nice rescuers, who got her to a wonderful couple who took care of her for a few months, till they found an owner for her.  That owner has worked for years to get her happier, more trusting, and more herself.

Enah, today Aria is not only my friend, but a friend to a good number of people.  She’ll lie on their lap, get tummy rubs, and even play a little.  People love her. 

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, but you have a far better chance of finding love and companionship than Aria did.  And look at her now.

Your job is to try.  To try to find people who are like you, and who you like.  To treat any actual disorders you have, but also to accept your shyness and introversion as a part of you, even a virtue.

And while I hope we don’t find out just what circumstances you’ll die in for a LONG LONG LONG time, if you can find those people you can enjoy, and who’ll enjoy you, the odds are that you’ll find you can live very happily, with just the sort of companionship you crave, until that day comes.

All my very very best,

Shirelle