How to deal with your new relationship having had a past you have trouble accepting

PERFECTION asks: My girlfriend and I somehow shared some things about our past relationships and the sort of things she and I did before we got to meet each other. I was a little bit carried out by those facts that I’ve learned. Can you help me clear my mind about it, and to not think of it anymore? I don’t want to be distracted by something that has happened years ago.

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m going to stick with what I said to you before.  The problem isn’t what she’s done in the past, it’s your feeling not-good-enough about yourself, and probably imagining that some guy in her past was “better” than you in some regard.

And here’s the bad news: each one was.

Before me, Handsome had five dogs.  Each of them was absolutely wonderful in their way.  He would never have traded any of them for anything.  One was tougher than me, one sweeter, one prettier… and he loves me so much his heart almost can’t take it.  I actually hope there’s an afterlife where I’ll get to meet them all.  We’ll play, we’ll fight over who’s best, and of course we’ll make lots of fun of Handsome, and what a goof he is.  And when he gets there to meet us… oh man will he go NUTS!  Because he loves us all so much!

But each of us will have been from a different time in his life.  And so the he that loves me more than anything will be a bit different from the part that idolized Wolfgang, or depended on Ygor’s heart to get through his tough teen years.  

So can I get jealous?  Sure.  But it’s a waste of time.  It’s far better for me to focus on my gratitude – how much I love having the relationship I have with him right now.  And letting that gratitude overwhelm me.   As his does him.

Can you do that?  Can you, instead of focusing on some jerk she dated some time ago, who either dumped her or she him, let yourself just swoon in the thrill that she’s interested in you now?!  And that she’s the best thing you’ve ever found?!  

Yeah, one of those guys was a better athlete.  One was just crazy-good-looking.  One sang like John Legend.  

But none of them were you.  And she’s not talking with any of them today.  Or if she is, it’s as friends, which is maybe even better!  YOU are the one that matters.

And that, my friend, is not just the key to beating past silly jealousies; it’s pretty much the key to enjoying life altogether.

At least that’s how I enjoy mine.  That and getting letters from you of course!

Enjoy!

Shirelle

Why would someone newly-sober break up from their relationship?

K-Xengah asks:

I took your advice concerning my boyfriend and his drug problems and it totally worked. He hit rock bottom and his withdrawal made him quit. So thanks, cause if it was not for your advice I would have totally helped him find money for drugs so he can feel better.  But right now we are going through problems. He broke up with me for something I didn’t do. Apparently I’m cheating on him, going to see other guys and flirting with them… which isn’t true. But I don’t know how to convince him I didn’t do anything, because he wouldn’t even believe me if I said that. I don’t even know if I should even try to work things out. I told him to communicate with me, but he’d rather put subliminals on his whatsapp status. Part of me wants to prove him wrong and get back together with him, but because of his subliminals, another part of me just wants to prove him wrong and that’s it. I don’t even know how to or what to even say to him. He called earlier and I just watched it ring. Because in the first place, before I found out why he broke up with me, he just broke up with me without a reason and that’s like mental torture cause I was constantly thinking about it. 

Hi K-Xengah –

So for starters… WOW!!  That’s just fantastic!!  I’m so proud of you!  Whatever happens with this relationship, you’ve done a huge part to save his life, and I know it was really hard!  I’m thrilled to have been a part of it, really honored.

But as for now…  yeah, that’s the thing with addiction; stopping the drug is just the start.  This is why so many people working on sobriety join groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, to work on all the stuff under their addiction.  And why there are groups like AlAnon, for people involved with addicts (often their children or spouses).  To do the work they need to, with others going through the same things.

What you’re dealing with now is the deep pain your boyfriend drank to numb.  He probably feels very bad about himself, and that it would only make sense for you to look elsewhere for love.  And it’s not a big jump from that belief to believing that you have looked elsewhere, and are actively enjoying it!

I’m about 99% sure that he will try to start things back up with you, as his bad feelings about himself move from “She’s been cheating on me” to “I need her back and I hurt her.”  But when he does, if you can find the same strength you’ve shown again, and use it to get him to go to some AA meetings or see a therapist (or best of all, BOTH!), he can start to do the real, deep, painful work he needs to, to move on from all this awfulness he’s feeling – and giving you.

He might say no.  And if he goes, he might not always continue to go.  And either way, he might “slip off the wagon” and drink again.  In fact, the odds are all these will happen.  It’s part of the journey every addict takes on their road to recovery.  And you may have noticed, people on this journey always call themselves “a recovering alcoholic,” not “a recovered one.”  The journey continues. 

It’s hard work, but right now you and he have both risen to the occasion beautifully.  If you can both continue it, truly anything is possible.

But he might need you to convince him of that!

Bowing to you in awe and respect,

Shirelle

What to do when someone breaks up with you because they feel not good enough

eimuun asks:

I want to ask you about my relationship with this girl that I really love – well I must say the relationship we had because she broke up with me yesterday.  The reason for the breakup was that she wasn’t in a clear headspace at the moment, and she was also staying stuff like ‘you don’t love me, I’m not your type,’ where there hasn’t been a day in our relationship that I haven’t told her that I love her or ignored her or anything like that.  We were in a long distance relationship, and I tried my best to make her feel special from far away.  She was fine too, until yesterday in a split-second she changed her mind and went “I want a breakup!”  I just don’t know how to deal with this.  I know that she really loves me too, but another thing is that she always speaks about the ex I had from two years ago.  She keeps saying stuff like, “She is better, go to her!” Whereas I’ve had no communication with my ex whatsoever.  It’s like she can’t move on from her (and I’d like to add that she had an ex too).  I just feel really lost at the moment, so can you please suggest something that I could do? I really don’t want to lose her.  And not talking to her feels really bad.

Hi eimuun –

Of course, I don’t know anything about what’s going on in her mind, but I do know one thing.  When you say “in a split second she changed her mind,” you’re incorrect.  No one does that.  Whatever her reasons were, she had been dealing with them for a while before she sprang this on you. 

But I will make a guess about her reason.  It seems to be based, not in the idea that you’re not good enough, but that she isn’t.  Yes I know you’ve been telling her she’s wonderful and that you love her.  But for some reason, she thinks she’s not your type, and that you’d be better off with your ex.

It reminds me of a woman Handsome dated some time ago.  She was blonde and stunningly beautiful, and he had known her quite a while before they got involved, when she had another boyfriend and he had to restrain himself from expressing how he felt about her.  So he would tell her about other women he was attracted to, many of whom were darker than her – in hair, in skin, in eyes.  Then when they were finally dating, she was worried she wasn’t attractive to him, because she was light-skinned and blonde, even though he’d had a crush on her for years!  Nothing he’d say could convince her otherwise!

It’s kind of funny, because even though we’re color-blind, I know very well that I’m a beautiful orange dog, and that anyone who is drawn to me could be equally drawn to a Collie, a Labrador Retriever, or a Samoyed.  The color doesn’t define it!

So my suggestion is to find a way to get together with her and talk about this.  What is it that makes her think you’re not interested?  Is there something she needs that you’re not doing or saying?  (Or am I completely wrong, is she missing her ex and putting her feelings onto you?!)

Whatever it is, your job is to convince her that she’s wrong about your attraction.  But if she won’t allow you to convince her, like the woman Handsome was with, you’ll eventually find you’re better off without her.  It’s sad, but just as relationships need trust in other ways, they need trust in this too.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle



6 The Future Is Now …how to handle the new unreality

…how to handle the new unreality

I realized something this week.  The future is here.

            Of course, the present day is ALWAYS what the future used to be – today is always what was tomorrow yesterday.  And while some things about today are just what we expected (the sun came up today, you are mostly what your parents thought you’d be by now, and people are talking on telephones with visuals as has been predicted for at least a hundred years), some things are not.  Some things are really different from what you guys thought 2020 would be like!

            For example, my human friend Handsome told me that, when he was a child, everyone expected that by now people would be traveling through space all the time.  You’d take flying saucers to work, or vacation on the moon.  No one imagined back then that this decade would be one of just more traffic of cars and airplanes.

            Similarly, futurists imagined everyone would be eating more efficient food by now, not creating awful global problems with overcrowded yards and processing plants for giant populations of livestock.

            And while many imagined people carrying around communication devices they could talk through, I don’t think anyone over fifty years ago remotely imagined that so many people would have portable supercomputers in their pocket, through which they could not only communicate but look up knowledge, play games, and be entertained.

            But there’s one other aspect that has really been on my mind.  You see, Handsome also recently told me about three of the greatest novels of the 20th Century, each describing a frightening future for the world:  Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, George Orwell’s 1984, and Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.  Each I hear is terrific, and would make wonderful reading for you during this lockdown (and while all have been made into good movies, none of them is said to quite match their books’ horrific brilliance). 

            Each of these writers looked around at the changes the 20th Century brought, and thought, “Uh oh, I see where this is going.”  They envisioned giant, overarching governments that controlled people’s minds from birth, managing their populations efficiently by stifling free expression and thought (For example, “Fahrenheit 451” is the temperature at which paper ignites, which is important to know in a world where all books are being burned!).

            And much of what they envisioned has come true.  Our world does include many societies that censor publications, that lie to their people, that even imprison, exile, or worse people who speak out against their systems.

            So why aren’t these books accurate?  Why, 36 years after the real 1984, is the story so wrong in so many ways?

            Because there’s something else none of these authors (or those of other great dystopian novels from a few decades later, like Player Piano or The Handmaid’s Tale) envisioned.  Something that’s kept their nightmare visions from becoming true, but which has created a different problem than they saw, equally great and equally dangerous:

            Social Media.

            All three of these geniuses thought that all humanity would be controlled by a single-minded group, except for a few rebellious souls who valiantly struggled against it.  But the opposite has happened.

            In societies where governments have tried to lock thought down, rebels have used tools like Twitter and Facebook to share prohibited information and ideas with everyone.  And others have shared movies and documents over the internet that their governments haven’t been able to stop.  For those of us who like to howl freely, this has all looked pretty exciting.

            But at the same time, while it’s been impossible to suppress the truth getting out there, other forces have used social media to spread rumors, disinformation, and straight-out lies to millions of people, mixing it in with the truth to where it’s hard to tell them apart. 

            I don’t know what’s been going on where you live, but here it’s been crazy – and I’m just old enough to have seen the change occur.  For example, every four years, we have a big election for the presidency.  Two elections ago, the main issues were about taxes, healthcare, and defense.  But the last election had all kinds of craziness – posts saying one candidate ran a child sex ring in a pizza parlor, or that another had been videoed with women going pee on him!  Now maybe one, or both, of these could be true.  But we were a long long way from the day when such stories didn’t get released until newspapers and television stations had checked to make sure they were factual, so the people who passed on posts saying these things were real had no idea whether they were right – and they just all went straight into everyone’s social media feeds!

            And since then, we’ve learned that this isn’t just the work of a few lunatics or scandal-mongering haters.  Research shows that big organizations, and even governments, have been working to spread such misinformation all over the world.  Why?  Because chaos gives them the chance to achieve power!

            After all, if I’m in a dog park and someone puts a pizza down, I’m going to have to fend off a bunch of pooches to get more than a bite of it.  But if I can get all of those dogs into a big fight on the other side of the grounds, I can get ALL of that yummy pie just for me! 

            But we’re not talking about a pizza or a dogfight.  We’re talking about the most powerful forces in the world, and the future for all of us – especially for you, who are just beginning your lives’ journeys.

            Four months ago, scientists everywhere around the world gave out almost exactly the same recommendations about this awful virus: Stay distanced from others as much as possible, wash or sanitize constantly, and wear masks to slow the disease’s spread.  And what happened?  Everywhere you looked, disagreement erupted about it, with memes and tweets calling masks a conspiracy, the virus a hoax.  Crowds threatened politicians, even brandishing guns, insisting on their God-given rights to go out with bare faces.

            Why?  Why would anyone do something so stupid?  We dogs will pull on leashes we don’t care for, but we don’t bite our humans and insist on running into traffic!

            It’s because they were told to.  Because those people heard and read TONS of misinformation – about the dangers of masks, about how wearing them would take away their rights, about how the reports of people getting sick and dying were lies. 

            Let’s be clear – the people who originally put this nonsense out are murderers.  Places where people insisted on breaking the rules to frolic together maskless are seeing gigantic rises in sickness and in deaths. 

            If I started a fight in a dogpark so I could get a pizza to myself, a pup could get hurt, or even killed, and that would be my fault.  But getting lies sent around the world to create chaos is way way worse.  And it’s happening, all over the world.

            But here’s the craziest part of it, which I keep seeing.  Those books I talked about before?  People everywhere keep saying that they believe that they came true, but that the brainwashing force is only controlling people they disagree with!  All day I hear people complain “The President lies all the time, and no one catches him at it!” Or “The opposition Deep State controls all the media and everyone’s minds!”  As though only they are smart and attuned enough to realize what the rest of the world can’t see.

            When the truth is that there is no such force.  Sure, there are giant governments and corporations, and there are real conspiracies.  But the overwhelming danger of our time is that facts are disagreed on constantly.  Facts that mean survival to us all.  Facts about science, about medicine, about our leaders.

We dogs can’t do much more than we do now; we need you humans to work together on this virus, on world peace, on climate change – while villains have you debating facts instead of fixing the problems!

            So what to do?

            Well, as with most big issues, I find that the first and most important step anyone can take is to look at themselves.  When you see something posted online, or hear something on the radio or television or computer, that might not be true, do you research it?  Or do you shrug and ignore it?  Or do you pass it on to others?!  If you just do the latter, then you are part of the problem, my friend!

            In my last newsletter, I wrote about how all of us need to realize that We Belong to each other.  But that doesn’t mean you have to like everything that I like.  So if I say I love listening to Billie Eilish, and you think she sounds like three cats fighting over a dead rat, that’s okay.  But if someone tells you that Ms. Eilish kidnaps children and eats their fingers, please, PLEASE, don’t pass that on without making very sure you’re right.  (Which is likely to be difficult!)

            What would be even better is, if you see your friends posting things like this, do some research, and post it as a comment.  “Hey I looked this up and it’s not actually true.  Here’s what I found.” 

            If you can do that, you’re not just showing everyone you’re kind of smart; you’re doing your part as a warrior for truth, and fighting back against the forces hoping to destroy goodness in the world!  You’re an Avenger!

            Does that sound a bit dramatic?  Well, imagine if it were 1940, and the truth were coming out about what was happening in the Nazi camps.  And just as it came out, so did thousands of memes and posts telling everyone around the world that that wasn’t true.  How many more innocent people would have been killed because those posts kept governments from stopping that evil?

            As I write this, nearly 600,000 people have been recorded worldwide to have died from the Coronavirus.  We can be pretty sure that some governments have lied to keep their numbers down, so the truth may be closer to a million.  A MILLION DEATHS.  And how many of those could have been avoided if the truth were simply recognized as the truth?

            And isn’t it interesting that three of the nations whose last elections are known to have been manipulated by foreign false information on social media – Brazil, the United Kingdom, and the United States – are among the countries with the highest death rates, all with presidents who’ve scoffed at the virus and its danger.

            Social Media isn’t going away, and as I said before, it’s accomplished some incredibly wonderful things.  But it’s also enabled an evil that, I’m saying, is the Future we were warned about, but incorrectly. 

            You humans are the most brilliant creatures to have ever lived on this planet, and you’ve found ways to beat nearly every problem that’s ever come to you.  But you’re also the only creatures that know how to lie, and to see through lies.  So the problem you’re facing now is yourselves, and each other – your own superior minds.

            Can you find ways to handle this, to beat it, to create a brave new world where truth is recognized and valued?

            Or will you keep running around in circles of doubt, allowing chaos to be sown and watching the planet warm up to Fahrenheit 451? 

            It’s up to each and every person on the planet.  So please, do your best.  We’re counting on you. 

            Because if you can make this right, what’s ahead is a future, a newer next future, brighter and more wonderful than any future any of us has ever known.

What to do when both people in a relationship have broken the other’s trust

JuicyBest asks:

My boyfriend, after he tracked a phone he gave to me and was actually seeing all my messages, saw when I cheated on him.  He told me it was over, but after persistence and begging, he forgave and now we are back.  But I no longer feel the vibe in the relationship the way it used to be. I kinda feel tensed around though he said he has forgiven, but I still feel guilty whenever we are together.  My Boyfriend isn’t financially stable but I love him.  Sometimes I try my best not to let it get to me because he can barely provide what I want, but sincerely speaking I do love him and we are both in college. I won’t lie, the idea of cheating to foot some bills pops up in. I’m confused and don’t know what to do.

Hi JuicyBest –

Your situation, I’m sorry to say, makes complete sense to me.  I always argue that the most important element of a romantic relationship is trust, and you both have hurt the trust of each other.  Him by tracking your phone and spying on your messages, and you by cheating on him.  This doesn’t make it impossible to make the relationship work, but it does make it a lot harder.

It’s good that you two have agreed to work things out, and it’s even better that you feel guilty about hurting him.  But now comes the big work: Getting the other to trust you again.

See, that’s really hard.  We dogs tend to trust everyone we meet, especially when we’re puppies, but if someone ruins that trust, let’s say by kicking us, we then know they’re capable of hurting us.  And once we know that, it’s impossible for us to believe they’re not capable of that.

So the answer then is to treat us so well, with such consistency, that we choose  to trust you again.  To believe, not that you can’t kick us, but that you won’t

So can you and your boyfriend each promise each other that  you will never do what you did again?  Great.  And then, can you each work really hard, for a long time, to earn the other’s trust?  That’s harder.

So for example, you’re counting on him going to a party with you, and he realizes he can’t make it because he forgot to study for a test.  Should he go to the party anyway, should he lie to you about why it happened, or should he tell the truth (which will lead you to distrust that he’s responsible enough to remember his assignments)?  Hard, right?

And you go to that party without him, and meet a guy, and he walks you out to your car (innocently) and someone sees you two walking out and tells your boyfriend about it.  Do you lie and say it didn’t happen, do you just angrily insist nothing more happened, or do you admit the truth, which makes him mad that you would do something with such a bad appearance, and that’s even possibly dangerous?

In both these cases, the answer is to open up completely to the other, and admit your faults.  If you can do that, you will build a deep trust.  Not that you’ll trust he’ll always remember his assignments, or that he’ll trust you’re always putting out the perfect appearance and self-care.  But that you each want the other to know your truth, and are willing to look stupid, careless, irresponsible, all that.

Because that’s when you’ll start to trust each other all the way.

Handsome and I have each made so many mistakes with each other.  But our trust is built on our knowing that the other wants nothing more in life than for the other to be happy and safe.

You can do this, if you both really want to. 

What do you think?  Is he worth the effort?

Best of luck my friend!

Shirelle

What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend does things deliberately to hurt your feelings

Prince2411 asks:

I made many mistakes in my relationship, I hurt my girl a lot, and I did things I am not proud of, but my intention was never to hurt her. I never crossed any physical limits with any other girl, but over text I said certain things which I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t realize then but now I do. I know how much it hurt my girl, but she is taking revenge on me on purpose, talking to the one person of whom I am so insecure – he affects me mentally and emotionally. I’ve been begging her not to do this to me, not to torture me, but she thinks I don’t know how it feels to her when I do it. She does love me, and I love her a lot, but she’s still doing this. She says she likes talking to him, she’s saying things purposely to hurt me more. She prefers hurting me, rather than blocking him and hurting him. He is a nobody in her life, but I have been with her for almost 6 years.  Please help, I’m getting depressed.

Hi Prince2411 –

There’s an old truism that the opposite of being in love is not hating or anger; it’s feeling nothing.  It’s hard to say there’s good news for you in your letter, but the truth is that your girlfriend a) has not broken up with you, and b) is so affected by your texts with other girls that she’s working really hard to get revenge on you.

In other words, she is showing every sign of being completely committed to you.  And that’s great.

But she’s also getting a kick out of causing you pain.  And that’s not so great!

What you two really need, longer-term, is to work hard to build deep mutual trust.  To the degree that neither of you is all that bothered by the other talking or texting with someone else. 

But shorter-term, you two need to just simply agree to stop knowingly hurting each other.  Now it sounds like you’ve already gotten there, but she feels she needs to do it a little more.  So your job is to let her know that she has succeeded!  That you have learned your lesson, and there is nothing more to gain by doing more of it.  That, instead, her doing more of it will actually push you away (which you realize is what you were doing to her), so that you won’t be hurting anymore.

When I was a puppy, I loved attacking my human friend Handsome and biting him all the time.  He’d yell “Ow!” and get upset, and I found that just fantastic.  But as I grew up, I began to see him as part of me, as my pack leader, and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.  In fact, now, the few times I’ve seen that I’ve hurt him it’s just ripped me up inside.

I want your girlfriend to get to that place, where I am.  You hurt her by not paying attention to her feelings, and that’s bad, but she’s purposely trying to cause you pain.  If it’s just to teach you a lesson, that’s one thing, but if it keeps going, it could become the new normal of your relationship, and that would be awful for both of you!

So I want you to talk with her, to let her know that she’s succeeded in teaching you, and that now you want a relationship where you both work to make the other feel better, and to build trust.  That means that you have to listen and hear her when she says your texting hurts her, and she needs to understand when her talking to that guy hurts you.

THEN you need to figure out how to live with these feelings.  Can she talk with the guy as long as she’s not saying hurtful things?  Can you text other women as long as you’re not flirting?  In other words, can you two become a successful mature couple?

I would rather die than hurt Handsome, and he’d rather die than hurt me.  You two aren’t there yet, but maybe someday you will.  The time to start that journey is now.

And I think you’re closer to it than you know.

All my best,

Shirelle

Should you stay in a relationship with someone who says it can’t last long-term?

Suzyz asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him very much.  We belong to different religions. He sometimes says he will be with be and sometimes says that there will be a lot of problems we could not face and stay strong. He says he would have to separate from his family which he can’t do. He says let’s just be together till time permits and then we will go our separate ways. When I try to reason, he says that this is life and you have to move on. I know I am going to lose him but why is this happening to me?  If he can’t stay with me in the future because of his parents, then why not leave me today? I just don’t have the courage to stop talking to him or end this relationship. We are in the same college and class which only makes the situation worse.  Plz help, I am tired of crying. 

Hi Suzyz –

I’m so sorry! I hate it when my friends cry!

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.  

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things. But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values. Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like whether it’s ever okay to break the law, or about religion in their lives.  

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing it, but religion is about values, and about eternity.

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  You say you’re in college.  Well that’s a good age for casual dating – so if you want to have someone to go to dancing with, then all I care about is that he treats you respectfully. But if you’re thinking about a serious partnership – then my simple answer is No.  You have different religions, and he’s treating you like I treat a chew toy – enjoying it but tearing it to bits and leaving it strewn around the yard.

You. Can. Do. Better!

And so can he.  Better for him to find a woman who fits his religion (who’ll probably then turn his life upside down by being ten times as demanding as you’d ever have been!), while you find a good guy who respects you, works to understand you, and maybe even shares your religious beliefs.

Some questions are hard.  This one’s easy.  For me anyway.

For you, now comes the hard part.  Especially as you’re in classes together.  And it will hurt like blazes, I know – especially as you love him so much.  But once you’ve freed each other, your lives will be so much better! 

Best of luck with it,

Shirelle



2 A Sense of Belonging

…the only hope

This is hard for me to put into words.  But I have to.

            I want you to imagine I get off my leash and chase a cat, and catch it and kill it.  Handsome is furious with me.  He feels horrible for the poor kitty, and devastated that he will have to tell the cat’s human friends about it.  And even more, he feels guilty – for not holding me back, and for not training me better.

            Okay, that’s awful, and of course happens with us dogs, cats, and people all the time.  (Don’t get me wrong, I love chasing cats, but it’s just fine with me that Handsome holds me back from doing anything so heartbreaking).

            But I want you to imagine something worse.  Imagine I do this twice.  And when it’s a calico cat that I catch and kill, Handsome is angry and sad and really lets me know it.  But when it’s a Siamese, he kind of shrugs it off.  “Oh well.  You shouldn’t have done that, Shirelle, but it’s only a Siamese, so I’m not going to punish you or anything.”

            THAT is what’s been happening in my country for centuries, to humans – based not on a breed but on skin color, ethnicity, sex and other qualities.  And it breaks my heart.

            I’m sure you have heard about George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, two innocent people who were killed by police officers in the last few weeks here.  Now I’m a big fan of the police, and want them empowered to keep themselves and all of us safe.  But sometimes they can make mistakes, or sometimes a bad one can do something really awful.  Just like everyone else.

            What makes me sad, and furious, and nauseous, is that our society has continued to say that if they do it to someone with white skin that’s a big problem, but if it’s someone of brown or black skin, it’s no big deal!

            Every culture has its faults and its prejudices, just as every person and dog does, but the trick is to try to see them and work through them.  This situation, from names you might know from songs like Medgar Evars and Emmett Till, or maybe even from your history classes like Rodney King, all the way up to today, is actually a mass mental illness.  One that has damaged the human race since it began.

            We animals of smaller brains develop all kinds of prejudices, of course.  I was attacked by a black furry dog twice my size when I was a puppy, so large black furry dogs terrify me.  You almost certainly have similar knee-jerk reactions yourself.

But you humans have bigger brains that can take those judgments and turn them into beliefs and rules.  And that’s where the problem lies.

I would never say one should kill large black dogs, or that they deserve to be treated different to me; I just find them scary, nothing more.  But human brains will come up with the stupidest, most insane concepts – this race should be enslaved, this ethnicity is immoral, this sex can’t lead, this sexual orientation isn’t natural, it just goes on and on!

            And it’s SO DAMNED STUPID!!!  (yes I know, you’ve never heard me use that word before)

            Here’s the fact – you have the individual right to care more about certain people than others, or certain dogs or cats than others, of course.  But in the big picture, no human or dog or cat or lizard is truly worth any more than any other.  Or better than any other.  Poodles tend to be a very smart breed, but there are stupid ones.  I’ve met pit bulls who were sweeter than even me, though they’re bred for fighting.  And believe it or not, I’ve even met calm Chihuahuas (while yes, most are more hyper than a hummingbird on espresso!).

            Passing judgments about anyone’s worth based on their color or anything like that is pure idiocy.  Yes – when you guys do it, it makes you stupider than us pooches, even with your gigantic brains!

            But mass judgment is as natural to you guys as cat-chasing is to us, and nothing I say is going to change that part of your nature.

            What I can do is ask you to rise above it.  And I know only one way to do that: I want you to begin to realize that You Belong.  And We Belong.

            Philosophers and Theologians far more intelligent than I will tell you that our separateness from each other is only an illusion, and that the job of living is to learn that, so we can be together in the next world.  I can’t tell you whether they’re right or wrong about what’s coming.  But I do know this – every human belongs to every other one right now.

            Think about it.  Let’s say you were in a crowd, say watching a World Cup match (oh I hope you can have crowds like that again soon!).  And some crazy man sneaked a big gun into the stadium, and started shooting people randomly.  Your life would somewhat belong to him, right?  He’d have the power to determine whether or not you lived to see your loved ones again, or to see another sunrise.  Now imagine someone next to you saw that man pull that gun out, and grabbed you and shoved you down under the seats, so you weren’t hit by any bullets.  Then your life and fate would belong to that person, right?  At least somewhat?  Or maybe a brave soul jumped up and tackled the shooter and got his gun away from him?  Then every person in that stadium would have to acknowledge that their lives belonged to that hero/heroine in a way.

            Well I hope your life is a bit more mundane than that today.  But don’t you equally belong to every driver who hits, or doesn’t hit, your car?  And doesn’t every other driver on the street equally belong to you, because you hit or don’t hit them? 

            What about when one person is feeling depressed and unloved and unseen, and they  pass someone on the sidewalk who smiles and says good morning, and their dog licks that person’s hand and sniffs their great-smelling pants… and that miserable person’s view on the world suddenly changes.  Can you see how those two people, and that dog, all belong to each other at that moment?

            My friends, seven billion people belong to each other right now.  When one farmer grows a tomato, when one industrialist dumps poisons into clean water, or finds a way not to, and when one performer makes people laugh till they cry, YOU ARE ALL INTERWOVEN. 

            Sure you don’t see it most of the time, but that’s what I’m begging of you:  Realize it now.

            Because if you understand that every person belongs to every other, then when something goes wrong for someone, the idea that it doesn’t matter because of their race or sex or whatever, gets exposed for the insanity it is.

            I’m a very empathic dog.  Maybe not every other pup out there feels as much for people as I do.  But when a woman is lying in bed or a man is buying something at a shop, and the next moment they’re killed, that hurts me.  And when the powerful say that those deaths are no big deal, that hurts me more.  And when tens of thousands of people go out to protest against this, that makes me very happy (though I do get scared about them spreading this stupid virus if they’re not careful!).  And when some jerks use this as a chance to steal free goods or sneakily exacerbate violence, or some police use it as an excuse to shoot or beat innocent people, or a leader uses it as an excuse to order his people gassed and beaten and then lie about them and what they’re doing, I get furious. 

            Because I belong too.  Those people who were killed, the officers that killed them, the protesters, the looters, the shooters, and even the corrupt leaders, all are part of my world.  And yours.

            Of course, we’ve seen the clearest example of this possible in the past few months.  We all know that the one way you people worldwide can interact without spreading the coronavirus is to wear masks and stay distanced.  Yet we see folks all the time insisting they don’t need to cover their mouths because they have no symptoms and they are strong enough to survive the disease.  But of course they don’t know if they got infected ten minutes ago, and that they might right now pass it on to someone far more fragile.  So why do they refuse to wear masks?  Because they don’t believe that We Belong.  It’s so simple – if you love your grandmother, then don’t take a chance on giving the virus to someone next to you who might then give it to their grandmother.  BELONG!

            This year has been awful for the human race in countless ways.  But I hope and pray that it has at least taught us all something.  A virus that appears in one city can dominate the world.  We Belong.  Worldwide pollution can set a continent on fire and kill untold numbers of people and animals.  We Belong.  And a death that, years ago, would have been easily covered up, can galvanize marchers across the globe.  We Belong.

            I’m not telling you what your politics should be, or your religion, or who you need to like or fear.  I wouldn’t dare.

            But the hair on my back is standing up, and my fangs are snarling out, demanding that anyone who reads this gets the message:  Either humbly realize that We Belong, dear humans, or you’ll arrogantly destroy yourselves and all the rest of us.

            And when we’re all gone, no one’s going to care which of us was a calico cat and which was a Siamese. 

            Be kind and be strong, my friends.  The future can be so beautiful if we can just accept the simple fact: You are you and I am me, and we belong to each other.  End of story.  Forever.

            And for that, I love every one of you,

            Shirelle

How much should one express to someone they meet online (especially during a lockdown)?

PERFECTION asks:

I met this girl on Facebook and she seems nice and all.  It’s been a week and a couple of days since the first time we talked to each other and things are actually going so well. I already told her a LOT of things about me, she seems to be interested about my life, and she also told me a lot about herself too. It’s a give and take situation.  Umm, is it alright for things to be going this fast? I mean, we’ve been calling each other “baby” already and saying “I love you” whenever we’re gonna go or have something to do. I’m just kind of a bit worried if I am going too fast? Is this normal? I told her, “I really don’t know you but, I would very much like to know you more, this may be just an infatuation but it could also be something bigger.”  Was I on the right track saying that to her?  I’ve always wanted for her to know what I wanted and what my thoughts are.  What do you think I should do? Is everything just fine? 

Hi PERFECTION –

I really have two answers for you.  The first is a big shrug, and for one simple reason: I. Am. A. Dog.  I get all excited by people and pups the moment I meet them, and if they smell good and are nice to me I instantly feel exactly what you said to her!  I find you humans brilliant and all, but I have to admit I’ve never understood just why it takes you so long. 

For example, the day I met Handsome, I was a puppy in a cage in a pound with four other pups.  He and I locked eyes, he put his hand in the cage and I chewed on it, and right then I was 100% in favor of a lifetime commitment (especially if it involved getting me out of that cage!).  It took him some hours to decide, but luckily he made my choice.  But for me, it just took seconds.

The issue, for knuckleheads like you and me, is that our immediate excitement can put some humans off.  Handsome liked it, but other people run away from my friendliness and kisses.  You know, the “Dogs are all right, as long as they don’t try to lick me or anything” sort! 

So were you too forward with her?  Did you maybe scare her back a bit?  I don’t know.  Only she does, and only she can tell you what you did right or wrong.

But you certainly didn’t do anything gross or unkind.  You didn’t grab her or force anything onto her. 

So here’s the funny part – instead of looking at this as you doing something right or wrong, how about if you look at it as a test for her?  And if she loves your enthusiasm, that’s yet another reason to like her.  Or if she backs up just a bit, wondering if you’re this way with all the girls, then that’s okay – if just shows she’s smart and cautious, and hopefully she (like Handsome) will come around to you again soon.

But what if she hates what you said?  What if she’s actually repelled by it, “Who does he think he is?!  I barely know this guy and he’s pushing things way too far!”  Well, then that says something else about her.  In particular, I think it says that she might not be the right girl for an exciting, enthusiastic romantic like you!

So overall, my first answer is, No Problem at All, just keep your eyes open to see how she responds.

And my second answer?  My friend, this is SUCH A WEIRD TIME!!!  In normal days you two would have met by now, and shyly, nervously, begun the clumsily beautiful dance that is human dating.  But now, you two are locked up and probably can’t even meet for a while.  So I don’t know if there’s really a right and wrong about how you two communicate (with the exception of sending her something that would truly hurt or offend her, but you’re above that).

It makes me think of an amazing movie Handsome showed me once.  Or rather, the very beginning of it.  It’s World War II, and a British pilot radios down from his plane to give a report, which is taken by a young American woman.  He explains that his plane has been shot, is on fire, and is going to crash, and he has no parachute, so he knows he’s going to be killed in minutes.  The woman is horrified, and pleads for some way for him to be saved.  But there is none.  But as they talk, in this insane level of stress, he falls in love with her and her beautiful caring heart.  And he promises that, if there is life after death, he’ll come find her.  He bids her goodbye, and she suddenly hears no more on her radio.  (The movie is called “A Matter of Life and Death,” and Handsome always insists it’s the best opening of any movie he’s ever seen!  And the rest of it’s amazing too.  Check it out if you ever get the chance!)

This is coming into my mind because, like you and this girl, there’s nothing that pilot and radio operator can say that’s wrong.  He can confess his love, and she can fall for him, and who could fault either of them? 

Now this lockdown will end someday, and you and she will have to deal with each other in a more normal setting.  But for right now, if you’re both happy with what you’re saying, I’d say to keep it up.  What harm could there be?

And of course I WANT THIS TO WORK OUT, BECAUSE IT’S SO ROMANTIC MY PUPPY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST OUT OF MY RIBS!!!

Please Please let me know what happens!

Shirelle

What to do when you unintentionally offend someone

AayuTheLegend asks: I get sooooo annoyed by the girls in my class. They take a double meaning to everything I say. And get angry. Like once I said “Do u wanna grab a cup of coffee?” I got a reply saying, “You don’t respect me, you objectify me!” I wasn’t even looking at her that way. I just wanted to be a friend. I mean how should I calm myself down?

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Now of course there’s a lot I don’t know about the situation.  Maybe you’d done something that bothered this girl before, or maybe she’d had something awful happen to her that morning.

But I’m going to assume neither is true.  I’m going to assume both of you were fully innocent in this situation.  So if that’s the case, how did it happen?

My friend, you need to look at the world of a school from outside (the way I do).  Especially a high school or university.  As female beauty is too often judged these days, that’s the age when girls/women are their most attractive.  And hormonally, that’s when boys/men are their most focused on sex.  So young ladies are constantly aware, maybe more than any other time in their lives, of how they’re being looked at, judged, craved, rejected, all that.  And that’s assuming everyone’s being completely polite.

But I find that often that’s not the case.  Boys at this age (I won’t say “men”) can also be mean and crude, and feel a stupid sense of strength by showing off their objectification of womenfolk.  My human friend Handsome tells me that there was a house at the university he went to, where boys would sit out on a balcony and hold up numbers as the ladies walked by, rating them from one to ten. 

And this would be rough enough, but then you need to add in how females get these messages all day anyway!  From constant media saying you need to be as thin as Taylor Swift, as curvy as Kim Kardashian, and as tall as a supermodel.  And while this is happening to boys more now too (What?  You don’t have an eightpack like Zac Ephron?), for girls it’s far worse.  I’ll bet you’d be okay with showing up at school looking sloppy some morning after you’d overslept.  Imagine if you were then judged for that for the rest of the year; THAT’S what the girls go through!  (And judged as harshly, or worse, by other girls than by the boys!).

So all this is to say, my guess is that’s where that girl was when you made your friendly offer to her.  She was so sick of it all – so miserably DONE with being judged on all these stupid grounds, valued only for her beauty instead of the qualities she cares about, and here a nice boy walked up to her and asked her (and not a group of people) to have coffee. 

And here’s the irony – while she was sick of being pre-judged, she was pre-judging YOU!  You may have wanted to discuss the Chemistry homework, or to ask about a political opinion she’d shared in class.  But because you were a member of the group that had treated her only as a member of a group, she snapped at you!

My friend, you started your letter by saying how annoyed you are by the girls in your class, who take a double-meaning to everything.  My suggestion is that you start getting annoyed with the people in the world, who take at least a double-meaning to everything instead!  And so, when a young woman reacts in this way to you, you’re able to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as that kind of guy.  I really just wanted to talk with you about something you said in class.  But I sure understand how you’d be sick of being objectified.  Me too.  People can have such stupid values.”  Then when she stares at you, open-mouthed, because she can’t believe you’re saying something so aware, throw in “I can see this is a bad time.  But maybe some other time I’d love to talk.  Maybe about objectification.”  Smile, turn, and walk away. 

AayuTheLegend, you would become a legend in her mind at that moment!  The nonsensical system that she’s feeling so oppressed by?  You’d have blown a hole in it forever!

Oh and by the way, outside of the occasional bath and (I HATE THESE) toenail clipping, nothing is ever done for my looks.  I don’t diet, no makeup, nothing.  And every day I hear comments on how beautiful I am.  In at least this area, we dogs live a way better life than you humans give yourselves!

Thanks again!

Shirelle

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