What to do when someone breaks up with you because they feel not good enough

eimuun asks:

I want to ask you about my relationship with this girl that I really love – well I must say the relationship we had because she broke up with me yesterday.  The reason for the breakup was that she wasn’t in a clear headspace at the moment, and she was also staying stuff like ‘you don’t love me, I’m not your type,’ where there hasn’t been a day in our relationship that I haven’t told her that I love her or ignored her or anything like that.  We were in a long distance relationship, and I tried my best to make her feel special from far away.  She was fine too, until yesterday in a split-second she changed her mind and went “I want a breakup!”  I just don’t know how to deal with this.  I know that she really loves me too, but another thing is that she always speaks about the ex I had from two years ago.  She keeps saying stuff like, “She is better, go to her!” Whereas I’ve had no communication with my ex whatsoever.  It’s like she can’t move on from her (and I’d like to add that she had an ex too).  I just feel really lost at the moment, so can you please suggest something that I could do? I really don’t want to lose her.  And not talking to her feels really bad.

Hi eimuun –

Of course, I don’t know anything about what’s going on in her mind, but I do know one thing.  When you say “in a split second she changed her mind,” you’re incorrect.  No one does that.  Whatever her reasons were, she had been dealing with them for a while before she sprang this on you. 

But I will make a guess about her reason.  It seems to be based, not in the idea that you’re not good enough, but that she isn’t.  Yes I know you’ve been telling her she’s wonderful and that you love her.  But for some reason, she thinks she’s not your type, and that you’d be better off with your ex.

It reminds me of a woman Handsome dated some time ago.  She was blonde and stunningly beautiful, and he had known her quite a while before they got involved, when she had another boyfriend and he had to restrain himself from expressing how he felt about her.  So he would tell her about other women he was attracted to, many of whom were darker than her – in hair, in skin, in eyes.  Then when they were finally dating, she was worried she wasn’t attractive to him, because she was light-skinned and blonde, even though he’d had a crush on her for years!  Nothing he’d say could convince her otherwise!

It’s kind of funny, because even though we’re color-blind, I know very well that I’m a beautiful orange dog, and that anyone who is drawn to me could be equally drawn to a Collie, a Labrador Retriever, or a Samoyed.  The color doesn’t define it!

So my suggestion is to find a way to get together with her and talk about this.  What is it that makes her think you’re not interested?  Is there something she needs that you’re not doing or saying?  (Or am I completely wrong, is she missing her ex and putting her feelings onto you?!)

Whatever it is, your job is to convince her that she’s wrong about your attraction.  But if she won’t allow you to convince her, like the woman Handsome was with, you’ll eventually find you’re better off without her.  It’s sad, but just as relationships need trust in other ways, they need trust in this too.

Best of Luck!


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