2 Speaking and Barking – the power of rhetoric

While I’m always happy to speak out against needless pollution and wars, I tend to avoid discussing politics.  It’s not that I think no one else should talk about them, it’s just that my small brain can’t quite get my head around most of the issues.  Is one tax rate better than another?  What are the appropriate consequences for certain crimes?  Who has the right to a piece of land, the people who’ve lived on it recently or the people whose ancestors were kicked off or tricked out of it in the past?  These questions are all WAY beyond my doggy brain.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of what’s going on around me.  In my country, the United States, these last few months have been consumed by an election – in fact, if it weren’t for the global pandemic, I’m not sure anything other than the election would have even made the news!  But what was different about this election from others was that we didn’t hear all that much argument about policies or general stances.  This election was almost completely about one person – and whether a voter loved or hated him (not too many felt any lesser emotions!).  And often, about whether you loved or hated the things he said.

Now most of you Pack members don’t live in this country, and the election is over anyway, so I have no reason to bring up what’s good or bad about the candidates.  But it turned out that that one who was so central to everything lost – far more voters decided against him than for him – and so won’t be in charge anymore. 

And because of that, there will be all sorts of questioning about how he got power, what he did with it, and whether that was right or wrong, good or bad.

But I want to focus on one thing he has been downright brilliant at, and which enabled him to overturn centuries of tradition of this country.  His Rhetoric.

Rhetoric basically means the art of speaking and arguing.  Sure, we all know that it’s best to speak your words clearly enough to be understood, and to use logic in your arguments.  Even a dog understands that!  But Rhetoric moves beyond those, to questions of how one moves people, how one uses words to affect them emotionally – and very much in this case, how one can use Rhetoric to overpower logic and facts.  Think of it like this – there’s speaking and there’s barking.  Speaking exchanges information, while barking creates emotion.  Rhetoric is about the crossover between the two.

Maybe you’ve seen or read Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar, where he dramatizes the two great speeches given after Caesar’s death.  Brutus speaks sensibly, explaining why he agreed to join the conspiracy against the late leader.  But he’s followed by Marc Antony, who uses brilliant Rhetoric to rile the crowd against the conspirators and start a civil war.

Now our finished leader hasn’t achieved that, or tried to exactly.  But he has been able to use words to accomplish lots, and in ways that other leaders could borrow.  And – and here’s my main point here – doing so will overpower facts and logic yet again. 

So I want to go through a bunch of what he did, so that you, my wonderful Pack members, can see these tricks when they’re used in your countries, and then see past them to decide what you really want in your leaders.

Almost all I’m saying here is derived from an amazing book, Demagogue for President: The Rhetorical Logic of Donald Trump by Jennifer Mercieca.  She’s a professor of Linguistics and Rhetoric, and studied every word Mr. Trump put out – in speeches, debates, and social media – during his victorious 2016 election campaign.  And she found six major techniques he used.  Which I’ll go over here.

First, Argumentum ad Populum, or Appeal to the Crowd.  You see this one when a speaker compliments the group they’re speaking to “What a beautiful audience!” or argues that their crowd proves they’re right, “How can anyone argue with this?!”  Now there’s nothing wrong with this in, say, entertainment, when the argument gets made “How can 50 million Queen’s Gambit fans be wrong!”  But when someone argues, in your country, that a crowd of tens of thousands proves they’re the majority opinion… it’s just not true.  Maybe tens of millions are completely against them!

Second, Patriotism.  Hey I love my yard as much as anyone could, so I sure understand loving your hometown or country.  Cheer them on at the Olympics (when they return) and support your police and your soldiers who work to protect you, absolutely (especially your Canine Patrol if there is one!).  But when a speaker argues that your country or people are the best in the world… get suspicious.  And when they say that your country ought to be in charge of the world, and would be if you just put them in charge… get afraid.  Lots of leaders have tried this, and the last to really succeed was maybe Genghis Khan or the Roman Empire, depending on your views.  Napoleon failed, Hitler failed, and so will anyone else who tries.  Don’t give them the chance.

Third, Paralipsis, from the Greek for “To Leave to the Side.”  This one is my favorite, where one says, “I’m not saying _________, but I’m just saying _________.”  Like I might say “I’m not saying cats stink, but everyone knows cats smell really bad.”  Or maybe I say “Lots of experts say that cats stink – now I’m not saying it, I never would, but I just thought you should know that the experts say they just reek.”  It’s a cowardly way of saying something bad.  But it can be very powerful.  On one hand, it enables the speaker to say something mean or untrue without having to take responsibility for having said it.  But also it can make listeners feel like they’re part of an “in-crowd.”  Like the way any of you who don’t like cats might have snickered at my comments above.  But hey, that’s just you snickering.  I didn’t say anything bad about sweet little kitties!  I never would!  (heh heh)

Fourth, Argumentum ad Hominem, or Appeal to the Person…  but this kind of “appeal” isn’t a positive one.  This is where the speaker argues that what a person says doesn’t matter, because of some fault in them (real or imagined).  “Ahmed says I took five dollars from his wallet?  Well everyone knows Ahmed is a fool – remember how we all laughed when he got that a zero on the math test!”  Or “Indira says she saw me kick a dog?  Well she’s always been a liar.”  In both cases, the speaker didn’t even deny the accusation.  They just ignore it by insulting the other person.  In politics this can go even further, “My opponent says my tax plan will hurt our nation’s education.  Well you can’t trust her because her husband cheated on her!”  (As silly as this sounds, this worked in my country!)

Fifth, Argument ad Baculum, or, and I hate this term, Appeal to the Stick.  Threatening force or intimidation to overwhelm the speaker’s opposition.  “That newspaper said I stole money from my business partners.  Well clearly they’re just against me, so when I’m elected I’m going to put them out of business!”  Or just talking over your opponent all the time, or stalking them in a threatening manner (we’ve seen these happen here too!).  Or “Hey there’s a protester against me in the crowd, I hope someone punches him in the face!”  Again, it’s a cowardly act – if someone did punch that person in the face, the speaker would instantly deny all responsibility for it, saying “Oh I was just expressing my frustration; I didn’t tell them to do it.”

And Sixth, Reification, or turning people into things.  We see this most often in war.  It’s very hard for anyone to go off to overtake or kill someone when they see them as people, so leaders in war will work to dehumanize their opposition.  “They’re not people, they’re animals!”  Or “They’re godless, and our God orders us to kill or convert them.”  But you hear it in politics in subtler ways.  “The other party can’t think for themselves, they’re just a mob.”  And of course, “We’re the real (name your country here).  The ones who vote against me are against (your country).”

Now my friend Handsome added one more to Merceica’s list, from the world of Psychology, which is Projection. In the usual meaning, that’s when someone sees or is bothered by a quality of theirs in another person.  Let’s say you tend to be a flirt, but then you’re horribly bothered when you see someone else flirting.  Or else, you accuse someone else of flirting when they’re not even doing it at all!  But in this case, it’s the speaker accusing their opponent of exactly what the speaker does.  Maybe you’re a constant liar, and your opponent isn’t, but you keep saying they are enough to get your supporters to believe it.  Or you’re physically unfit, but you always accuse your opponent of being far weaker than you.  This both hurts your opponent and makes you look like you don’t have the fault, even if everyone can see that you do!

There are, of course, countless other Rhetorical tricks that one can use to achieve success in politics or other arenas.  But these are the ones that we’ve been watching, and in many ways suffering from, here for the last few years.  It would be a wonderful thing if all of you, wherever you live, could learn from our experience.  And, at the same time, if you can learn to use some of these tricks yourselves, but just use them for fun or even good positive reasons, then that’s all the better.

Meanwhile, I’m going to go back to the only way I know how to be – honest, troublemaking, loving, and optimistic that better days lie just ahead, for all of us.  And that’s not just an idle bark!

What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is driving you crazy with mixed signals

Blessing Special asks:

Once I told you about my boyfriend tracking my phone and seeing some chat he didn’t like and the ones he misunderstood.  Then, after like a week we weren’t on good terms after, we talked about everything and tried to resolve the issue.  But I noticed that ever since that period, my boyfriend always tries to find out what’s going on in my life without asking questions directly. Rather he would prefer using other means to get what he wants. I haven’t found it funny when he keeps using my pass to talk to me like I was nothing good. I told him once that I do not like him talking to me using my past to make it look like I was trash. I’d rather he should be plain to me and tell me if there’s something he would like to know, that he would like me to do or stop. But still he hasn’t stopped and when I tell him that I do not like these things he acts like he owes me no explanation or apology and he’s ready to stay without checking on for as long as I feel bad about it. It’s been 6 days he hasn’t even said a word to me. I try to call his attention to what he did that I didn’t like, but he tells me that I should see it anyway, that he’s not going to explain anything to me. I felt bad about what he said but then I knew he was talking out of anger or something disturbing him, but I still don’t understand why he can’t speak up openly and tell me things he either observes that he doesn’t like or what he expects me to, because I feel like the feeling isn’t mutual, because each time we have issues I always call first. That’s because I don’t stay upset for too long. And also there’s this conversation going on between us because of the lock down. I haven’t gone back to school, so I tried looking for something to do, but the places I went wanted someone stable, so I decided to try selling ladies’ handbags and slippers (I had no cash because my rent was about to expire). I discussed my plans with him, and he even asked for pictures which I sent him, and it’s been like 4 months now he hasn’t said a word about it. So I came up to him to tell him of a friend who was willing to lend me the money to start it up and pay him later, but he wasn’t okay with it, saying the guy might want something in return (me). So I let that go, but then he came up one morning and started beating around the bush, saying we need to talk, that all I do is wake up, chat nasty with him, and want to see his face again. Then he skipped that and went ahead saying some stuff that got me feeling so ashamed of myself, because it was embarrassing. Normally I and my boyfriend talk at length and exchange romantic words. Sometimes he asks for videos I send to him when he travels.  And we do video calls. But then he just came up and started making me feel like I was the only one talking dirty. I’m so confused right now. I want to know what to do and where this is going. I don’t want to jump into conclusions that I might regret or take any unwise decision.

Hi Blessing Special –

            Have you ever heard of the Ivan Pavlov?  He was a brilliant scientist who worked to understand human and animal behavior many years ago.  His most famous experiments involved dogs whom he’d train by giving a treat when they’d get a signal, or a punishment (a slight electrical) shock at others.  He found things like that we’d start to salivate at the sound of that good signal, proof that our bodies react to symbols.  And that he could train us to do certain things by these means.

            But one of the darker results of his experiments was what would happen if he mixed the signals too much.  When he gave the happy signal to dogs and then shocked them, they started to freak out, and literally go mad. 

            And this is what this guy is doing to you.  I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose or not, but to have “naughty” chats and ask for videos of you, and then shame you for them – that’s crazy-making to anyone.  And his whole thing of avoiding telling you what’s actually on his mind, but making you feel you’ve done something wrong – that’s just mean.

            So again, maybe it’s just that this guy is bad at relationships.  Or he’s doing it on purpose to mess with you.  I don’t know.  But I know that I don’t like what’s happening at all, and I want it to end.

            I know you’ve talked with him about it before, but my suggestion is to make it tougher on him – to tell him that this stuff needs to change, and now.  If he refuses, or if he says okay but keeps acting the same way, I hate to say it but my suggestion would be to leave him.  I know you love him, but I don’t want you to end up like one of Pavlov’s dogs, getting put to sleep because you’re incapable of acting rationally.  And that’s just the way he’s sending you!

            All my very very best,

            Shirelle

Is it better or worse for families to pick their children’s spouses?

Hi Shirelle,

                 As for the girl I am seeing, it didn’t work out between our families so I am not seeing her now. Sometimes things just feel like the “Super Mario” game. Where you play the whole level just to know at the end that “your queen is in another castle” .  But some things are not in my control to make things work.

                 I just don’t understand, in an arranged marriage, who should be given weightage: the girl or her family.  In this case, her family was too concerned with a lot of things and this behavior my parents didn’t like. So they decided not to continue the process with this family.

                 I don’t know if whatever happened was good or bad.

Sincerely,

Kiran1209

Hi Kiran1209 –

I’m not one to argue for or against the system of arranged marriage.  But the best argument I’ve ever heard for it is that most people become, as they age, more like their parents.  So parents actually have a better sense of whether their kid and someone are right for each other than the two young people do.  

If that’s the case, you may well find, twenty years or so from now, that you’re very glad to be with a woman who shares your values, and that you’re not in that other family (even though you might still like them).  But if you’re an exception to the argument, maybe you’ll always have some resentment that you got paired up with someone more like your parents, and less like this girl you were so fond of.

I have no idea which will happen.  Though I do believe, from everything you say, that your parents’ intention is completely good.  As are her parents’ intentions.

All I can do is wish for you the incredible luck that I had – that my “arranged marriage” that happened when Handsome bought me at the pound, has been the joy of my life, and that I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.  May you find a woman you treasure and feel gratitude for every moment, for the rest of this life and beyond.

That’s not too much to ask, is it?!

Cheers,

Shirelle

4 Sniffing for Enthusiasm – keys to re-finding motivation

            Handsome doesn’t talk with me about his work very often, but lately he sure has.  You see, he’s a therapist who works with lots of young people, and usually his job is full of variety – this 5-year-old is going through her parents’ divorce, this 9-year-old is getting bullied, this 12-year-old is acting depressed while no one knows why, and this 16-year-old has been sneaking out at night and smoking cigarettes with the wrong friends. 

            But not now.  Today nearly every youth Handsome sees has the same issue: Motivation.

            Now sure, that’s nothing new.  Kids get bored, and teens get boreder.  Always have.  But – and you know very well what I’m getting to here – this Coronavirus year isn’t like anything that’s happened before.  Children who have the same instincts as puppies – to get out and play and tumble and grab and hug and punch and kiss and pull hair – are stuck alone inside, with just some electronic screens to entertain them.  And teens who, just as instinctually, crave to be out laughing and flirting and showing off in the best ways, are trapped, being told to just do the rest of their overlong homework.

            And both, instead of spending their school hours trying and competing for grades, or passing notes to their classmates with silly drawings of the teacher, are (if they’re lucky enough to be able to afford it) sitting in front of a boring computer, where their teacher is trying as hard as they can to keep their students awake and focused on some subject that…  well… if they found it all that interesting, they’d have been learning about it on their own, right?!

            NO one is enjoying this, NO one wants it to continue, but NO one has a solution just yet.  So EVERYone is annoyed, frustrated, bored, and ANYthing but motivated!

            And how does that show up?  Kids sending in blank homework assignments, good students falling behind because they can’t focus, or top-level students just turning their screens off and saying “This is a waste of my time and theirs.  I’m learning nothing.  I quit.”

            What’s anyone to do?!  Is there a solution? 

            Well sure.  A cure, a vaccine, a treatment good enough for everyone to dare getting into groups again – that’ll fix this beautifully.  But for now, what can students do?  Or teachers?  Or parents?

            Now… you know what I’m going to say, don’t you.  There is an answer:  Stop asking machines or humans, and study us dogs instead!

            In most ways, our brains are just simpler versions of people’s.  Yeah, we have better smelling, and more squirrel-focus, but our relationship to motivation is just like yours.  So what do we do when we’re stuck inside an apartment or a yard all day, or even a cage?  Or when we’ve had our joy beaten out of us by abuse or neglect?  Or when we’re just plain old lonely?  How do we get motivated?  And how can that apply to you?

            Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Bribery Works!  No pooch was ever born wanting to sit or stay or heel on command.  And trainers have found that punishment isn’t half as effective a teaching method as reward.  Fill your pockets with good-smelling treats, and your pup will be happy to train for as long as you wish, constantly doing their best to please you.  So why not do the same with students?  A full school day earns a chocolate cupcake.  A good grade on a test earns a trip to the ice cream shop, and a great report card brings in that video game they’ve wanted for months.  Yes, over time you want them to feel motivation in themselves, but THIS ISN’T THE TIME FOR THAT!  (And for those of you too old to be bribed – nothing wrong with bribing yourself.  “Finish this paper, and I get to watch the big game with a beer!”)
  2. Get Outdoors!  There’s a reason we pups go crazy when we see you pull out a leash – our instincts are dying to get us out away from our homes, exploring, sniffing, experiencing, and especially MOVING.  Don’t forget – until very recently, humans spent most of their time outdoors too.  We species share a deep connection to nature that replenishes and invigorates us all.  So get out there – take a walk, work in your garden, or just roll around in a park.  And please don’t tell me “But I’ll get dirty!”  That’s not dirt – that’s nature, that’s God, that’s history and beauty and meaning out there.  What you’re wearing is chemicals and dyes and plastics and stuff. Roll in something way better!
  3. Try to Get Curious.  Stick a dog in a yard for eight hours while our family is away, and what do we do?  Do we stare at the wall, complaining we’re bored?  Nope, we sniff.  There’s nothing interesting to us yet, but we look around for it.  Our ears twist around like sails, we check out every corner, we find what different places feel like to lie down.  And almost every time, we find something interesting.  A lizard ran by here.  A bird is singing in a tree over there.  Someone spilled something really delicious all over this place.  And how does that apply to school?  Well, let’s say you’re studying history, and that’s never been your thing.  A bunch of kings and national boundaries.  Borrrring.  But what if you think of it like a gang war, with every leader trying to hold on to their turf while someone else on their side plots to take their place.  Or an intergalactic battle for planets that will be won by the side with the greatest new weaponry.  Or a group of sly crafty mean girls each plotting how to become the alpha of the group.  Suddenly this is interesting to you?  Then you’ve already succeeded.
  4. Socialize!  Yeah I know what we’re after here is motivation to study harder and do more work.  But wasn’t that easier when everyone hung out together, even in classes and in between them?  Now, everyone’s feeling this gigantic hunger for community and contact, so bad it hurts in the heart!  And of course that’s getting in the way of your motivation.  So reach out – call a friend you haven’t spoken to in months (or years), set up a way to meet either virtually or safely in person, and tell dumb jokes, reminisce about good times, talk about crushes, ANYTHING.  And you’ll find it helps the rest of your life too.
  5. Look Forward!  We dogs don’t have nearly the sense of time you humans do.  We live in the moment mostly.  But your sense of motivation has a lot to do with what’s coming up.  “I gotta study my French tonight because there’s a test tomorrow.”  “I need to get better at kicking before the game next week.”  “I have to get this dress cleaned and pressed before the dance!”  But now, since no one seems to know what’s coming up anytime soon, that whole part of your brilliant brains is sitting unused.  But it doesn’t have to.  Just think further into the future:  SOMEday you’ll be able to go to regular schools again, and you’ll want to have moved forward with the rest of your class.  SOMEday you’ll want to go to college or university or get a job, and how you did today in school will matter.  And SOMEday you’ll be sitting around with your friends and family, and talking about how crazy a time 2020 was.  These WILL happen.  So focus on them, as much as you can.  Motivation will build there.

So that’s what I’ve got for now.  If you have any other suggestions, please let me know and I’ll put them into the next newsletter.

But for now, just know, I have only one motivation for writing here, and it’s YOU.  You’re what matters to me, you’re my whole reason for writing at all. 

So thank you.  Without you, I’d only be able to walk around my yard, sniffing at the fence, hoping to find a little scent, somewhere, of squirrel!

What to do if you broke your family’s rule of not talking with someone

Jerry asks:

            A boy proposed to me but I denied him and talked to him for some time to make him understand why I did. He is a good guy by heart but he had many temporary relationships with many other girls. So after making clear that I can’t talk to him because of my very strict family whom I don’t want to betray, we didn’t talk for almost 1 year.  But now he wished me happy birthday and I talked to him for the whole night. We just talked about our common friends and nothing romantic, but now I’m feeling guilty that I have betrayed my family. I shouldn’t have talked to him for the whole night but I couldn’t stop myself. What do I do to get over this feeling? I also think wonder what that guy is thinking about me.  I said to him “I don’t talk to boys because of my family,” but I talked to him whole night, and he said “I don’t think anything like this about you. I like you and you can talk to me anytime you feel like, without having a concern of what I will think about you. I know that you are a different girl,” but still I’m feeling uncomfortable.

Hi Jerry –

         This is one of those situations where we dogs are at a loss.  Because we don’t have cultures, in the way you humans do, our ideas of right and wrong are much more blunt than yours: it’s mean to hurt someone, it’s wrong to do things that hurt others unless it’s necessary… and that’s about it.  Now in my home, there are other rules – don’t bark early in the morning, don’t get on the couch – but those are just for me, and not something I’d tell others not to do on this website.

         So did you do something wrong by talking to this boy all night?  To my mind, not at all.  After all, what if you’d been on an international flight and chatted with the stranger sitting next to you for hours on end?  Would that make you a bad person, a flawed daughter?

         But if that’s the rule your parents put onto you, then sure, I guess you broke it.  Maybe you need to confess it to them – and maybe not.  It’s not my place to say.

         But you seem especially worried about what this boy will think of you, even though he’s told you the conversation didn’t change his opinion of you at all.  So I’m wondering if there’s more to the story.

         For example, it makes sense that this boy who a) has been interested in you, and b) has more dating history than you, would be a better conversationalist than you’re used to, and probably really enjoyable to talk with for a long time.  Especially during this lockdown, when so many people feel so isolated and lonely!  And I’m wondering if that’s kind of new for you, so you feel there might be something wrong with it (even though it looks as though there really isn’t).

         But also, I’m wondering if, after that fun long call, you’re starting to feel something for him, something you weren’t planning on.  And something that isn’t convenient for you, given that you believe that getting involved with him would be a betrayal to your family.

         So my main suggestion right now is two things:  First, to talk with your parents more, and find out their boundaries.  Would you getting involved with a man who’d dated women in the past be all that bad, as long as you and he followed all the rules, and he made his respect clear to them?  Or would it just be ‘not ideal?’

         And second, for you to spend some time and look into your own heart, and ask if what’s difficult here isn’t more about you starting to like this guy more than before, and not just that you guys talked.

         And maybe these will lead to you starting something new and wonderful with him.  Or, if not, at least you’ll have had a good learning experience – and a really fun long conversation!

         Best,
         Shirelle

What to do when your family is pushing you to a profession you don’t want

Tuktuk asks:

I’ve been happy these days and mostly avoiding any negative thoughts, but then suddenly I had a thought that I am not going into the right profession. I am a medical student. I feel like I am not in the right profession because my parents and my family expect a lot out of me. They say there’s no pressure but indirectly I can feel the tension. My mother has said since I was young that she doesn’t compare me with other kids, but indirectly she used to, and I used to feel pressured all the time. I had to be on my best behavior because she was a teacher in my school, and now when I am in college they constantly remind me that I have to be a successful doctor. I get overwhelmed by everyone’s expectations these days and due to this thinking I haven’t been doing anything. My career choice was the only thing I never doubted, and felt that it was my own decision, but now I feel that even that was forced on me indirectly. I feel I have no uniqueness in me. I don’t feel useless but rather tired of everything that’s going on around me and just want to run away. I feel like when I’ll die no one will know me because I couldn’t leave a mark, and was rather like a piece of dirt which goes away when the surface is cleaned.

Hi Tuktuk –

            I have so much to say to this, but let me start with your last sentence.  I believe that you feel this, but I promise you the opposite is the truth.  Even if you stay on exactly the path you’re on right now, you are clearly the focus of your parents’ dreams, and would become someone who would care for, and maybe even save the lives of, hundreds or thousands of people.  I remember when I broke my toe by jumping on the fence to bark at our neighbors.  I was maybe a year old?  But I can tell you everything about that pet emergency hospital, each person who worked on me, and what the needles felt like going in, how kindly they wrapped up my foot (and how frantic Handsome was while waiting for me).  And that was a broken toe – I was maybe there an hour.  You might become a lot more involved in some people’s lives than those professionals were in mine!

            But that’s all about if you stay on the same path.  A path you’re beginning to doubt.

            Don’t get me wrong – I love doctors and believe there’s no more noble profession.  But I also absolutely LOVE that you’re going through this – wherever it leads.

            Here’s what’s going on, my friend.  Your brain is developing in a way it couldn’t when you were even just a year or two younger.  You’re starting to question everything in your life – and that’s the BEST THING YOU CAN DO!  You’re realizing that decisions you believed were your own were actually your parents’. 

            This doesn’t make them villains, at all.  What’s important here is that you’re doing something really important that we dogs can’t do, and about half of people can’t do.  It’s called Metacognition, and means the ability to think about your own thinking.  You are going through a profound reassessment of your whole life so far, that’s going to determine a great deal of your future. 

            I imagine you’ve heard the term “Midlife Crisis.”  This is something that happens to lots of humans around age 40 or so, when they suddenly question everything in their lives, such as their marriages and careers.  How fortunate that you’re doing that NOW! 

            And here’s what’s so important about this – whatever decision you make about your career WILL be yours now.  If you decide to become a professor of Philosophy (which would suit your deep-thinking brain), or a struggling pop singer, or, yes, a doctor – any of those choices will be yours, and you’ll know it!

            But now here’s the bad news.  I can’t help you with your decision.  Not because I don’t have opinions, but because it has to be your decision!  And maybe that’s something you can’t decide right now.  Maybe you need to take some time off of school (if so, this might be a great time to do it, while many of your classes are likely online); maybe you need to travel the world (if so, this is a lousy time to do it, with the border closings and all the fear); or maybe you can stick with your classes for another term while you try to figure things out.

            Have you ever heard of the movie director George Miller?  He was you!  He was the son of proud, hard-working Greek immigrants in Australia, who’d always dreamt that their bright son would become a doctor.  And so he did.  He studied hard, and got his degree, and in his first residency, he worked in an emergency room.  And every night, he’d see people come in with horrible injuries from auto accidents.  And bit by bit, he talked about what these brought to his mind with a friend of his who wanted to produce movies.  And eventually he quit his medical job and they made a violent low-budget film with a bunch of car action.  It was called Mad Max.  Three sequels, many other films and minseries, and Oscar nominations and wins later, he’s pretty happy with his decision.

            Another similar story is of a great cartoonist.  I don’t know if they print Pearls Before Swine where you are, but it’s Handsome’s favorite comic strip these days.  Its creator, Stephan Pastis (hmm… also of Greek heritage) did what he was supposed to do and became a lawyer.  And hated it.  And would sit around bored, doodling little funny images to keep himself amused.  And eventually… well you get the idea.

            And then there’s the other story.  Not of one person but of millions.  Who went into the profession that was chosen for them, experienced just the doubt you’re having, but then found a way to do those jobs that inspired them, gave their lives meaning, and connected directly to their hearts.

            What’s important to me is that you’re asking this question.  Whatever answer you find, your life will be beautifully improved by your having gone through this.

            And, while I’ve got nothing against dirt – I love to roll around in it and track it into our house – whatever you become will, I promise, not be seen as just a speck of it.  You will be amazing.

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

What to do when you realize you can’t save your parents’ marriage

Wooff asks: So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be moving out next year. I can avoid looking at the problem straight in the face, but the problem will still continue to exist – especially when it’s not my problem to solve.
I started writing to you when it became clear that my parents did not want to be with each other and I didn’t know what to do. Sadly, well I see it to be sad, they are still together and that was back in 2012. Two individuals who lack harmony within themselves and with each other. For a long time, I thought that suicide was the way out of my situation, then I thought it was love from other people, but as I’m growing older I’ve come to understand that the way out is me. Only I can remove myself from this toxic situation. Well, when my parents were considering getting a divorce, my mom didn’t have much support from her family and my older sister. I was the only one then who wanted them to get a divorce or at least that’s what I know. But like I said, they didn’t. My dad is short-tempered, biased, and not easy to talk to. Whereas my mom is immature at times, seeks validation and has a victim mentality. This is not to say that they don’t have good qualities but I’m not writing this letter to let you know that they are good people – which they are, but in different ways. What I’m trying to say is, they are not a good match. Now for the longest time I thought that I could fix this. But coming back to the beginning of this letter, I’ve realized that it’s not my problem to fix. I see the problem, yet I avoid it, but it continues existing. I thought my suicide would finally shake them enough to be mature and make changes (whatever they may be). Morbidly enough, I do get in that mindset sometimes although it’s very rare now, as I do want to live a good fulfilling life. I don’t want my life to be a sad one. Second came love from other people. As time old tales keep telling you, love cannot fix you or your problems. The problem still exists even if someone loves you or if you love someone else. Finally, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s me. It’s me that needs to get myself out of this situation. The thing that stops me the most is my mom. She’s always been trying to ensure I don’t leave her. I think it’s because she doesn’t want to be left alone with my dad, who she shares no connection with and feels like a slave to as he is the breadwinner. Although I do feel guilty about wanting to leave this situation and move away (to another country which I love, not because of wanting distance), I don’t see any other option. By staying back, I end up giving up on my dreams, staying stuck in this continuous time loop, and may resort back to my old ways. I do think the way out is by actually physically leaving. But I don’t want my mom’s heart and soul to break as I do. I’ve come to the understanding that her life and situation is not and was never my responsibility; it was hers. I try to make her understand that she is the only one who can improve her life and situation, but my mom cannot see out of her ways. So, I can’t but help feeling guilty. I know you’ve been able to find a flaw in my way of thinking before, and I want to know what you think it is. Where my thought pattern is wrong and where it is right. If I’m right or where I am wrong.

Hi Wooff!

Oh I see you as so flawless, you would never believe!  

Though I do have a very small disagreement with something you say – or maybe an addition to it.

Marriage is a very funny, very profound, thing.  Couples who seem perfect find they can’t stand living together, and other couples who seem just awful for each other actually depend on each other in many ways.  Someday I recommend you read or see the play (or the movie) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  You can’t imagine a more horrible, destructive couple – yet they’ve stayed together.  

My point is this – to you, divorce might be the best answer for your parents.  But this is their choice.  Either one could leave the other if they chose, and neither has.  For whatever reason, every day, they choose to stay together.

Is that because one of them is weak?  Maybe, but you’re saying both are unhappy.  So maybe it’s because, for all the problems you see, there’s something each of them values and depends on in the other.  

I’m not here to say they’re right or wrong, but it is their choice.

And that mindset of mine is exactly why I don’t just agree with you, I urge you to follow through on your dreams.  Your mother has made her choices in her life; they’re not yours.  You don’t just have the right to move on; you need to.  Whether that’s moving to another country or just to another home, or even staying there but working on your personal growth, you owe this to yourself.  And, ironically, to them.

Haven’t they spent your entire lifetime providing for you, educating you, supporting you?  For all the lousy things you see in their marriage, IT CREATED YOU, and for that alone it is WONDERFUL.  

If you do move away, they might bicker more, or they might start treating each other better because they can’t focus on you.  They might fall in love again, or they might divorce.  I don’t know, and neither do you.

But you have YOUR life to lead, my friend.  Your adventures to take, your loves (right and wrong) to fall into, your mistakes to make.  

Love your parents.  They’re clearly good people and deserve that.  But don’t live for them.  Ironically, living for them would be the one way you could make all their work in raising you meaningless.  Instead, honor them by living a life greater than they can.

(And ironically, that would “kill” your old self much more than a suicide would have, and not destroy their lives as your death most certainly would).

All my very best,

Shirelle

What to do when one of you wants children and the other doesn’t

Ray asks: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. At the beginning of the relationship, we had discussed that I didn’t want children, and he had said that he too didn’t want any. After all this time he has changed his mind and has decided that he wants children. I have given this a lot of thought and tried to compromise into agreeing to have children too. But I feel suffocated by the idea of it, and the only reason I’d be doing it would be to keep his wishes. He still wants to stay together. And says that down the line we’ll figure it out. I am sure that I will not be changing my mind or feel differently about this. And I cannot expect him to give up such a huge thing. We really love each other, and it would be difficult to breakup. But is breaking up the only solution here?

Hi Ray –

You are asking JUST the right question about this issue.  There are so many concepts that couples fight over that are easily resolvable.  But kids is a gigantic one, and there might not be an answer to it.

The problem is that there isn’t a lot of room for compromise.  I’ve known people who were willing to adopt and raise children, but just not give birth to any.  Okay, that might work.  But when one person strongly wants children and the other strongly doesn’t… I don’t see a way past it.

Here’s the problem – for many humans, children are the meaning of their life.  If one of you really loves cats and the other doesn’t, there are short-term solutions (the cat-lover could volunteer to care for cats at a shelter, for example), but not a real long-term problem (I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed regretting not having raised enough kittens!).

But children are a different matter.  People do become bitter and angry over not having become a parent.  And others do for having to raise kids they didn’t want or plan.

And there’s another part to this.  If you two married, each of you believing you’d be able to bring the other one around to your way of thinking, you’d be setting up with possibility of a really hateful relationship, each resenting the other about this issue forever.  And it sounds to me like both of you are really good people and deserve better than that.

So it does sound to me like you need to have a VERY difficult talk.  And one from a place of blunt honesty and absolute love.  Working to give each the best life possible.

Which may, or may not, include keeping this beautiful relationship going.

Wishing you strength and wisdom,

Shirelle

What to do when your family beats you

Pennelope asks:

I belong to a family of 4 – my father, mother, elder brother and me. I study in another city for my college, but due to COVID-19, we were sent back to our homes. I have basically been a lazy girl who wouldn’t help her mom with her chores, due to which she used to be very mean to me. This time I decided it was my mistake and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. Therefore from day 1 onwards I helped her in everything from breakfast to dinner. It was going well, she wasn’t mean to me anymore, and we started getting close. But then, when my brother came to town, my mother started being mean again. She would taunt me, complain to my brother that don’t help her, and she would curse me, saying after my marriage my in-laws would commit suicide. So eventually I started talking back and refuting her. My father, who was there the whole time I was helping her, wouldn’t say a word. Eventually my brother concluded that I have a sore spot for my mom, and therefore I say things unnecessarily about her. When I tried to make him understand, he beat me A LOT, and eventually my father and mother both joined him in beating me. I started living fearfully, ignoring even the brutal-est thing they say to me but I have stopped caring for them. I don’t have any soft spot for them. Being my family, they did something so indecent and uncivilized. I could not have imagined that they would beat me. I know they are my family but it’s like I can never forget what happened and would never be able to forgive them for it.

Oh Pennelope!

I’m so sorry to get this letter.  It breaks my heart.

But the only way for me to respond to it is to split it into two parts.

First, about your mother saying you’re the way you used to be.  That is very normal – in fact I’d say I see it more often than not in families.  Someone was a poor student as a child, and now they’re a doctor, but their family still treats them as the “dumb lazy” one.  Or someone was a great student as a child, and has never done anything with it, just sits around watching TV all day, and their family still considers them the smart, successful one.

It’s annoying to everyone, and at times, as you’ve found, really hurtful.  My best suggestion in those cases is to confront your family members with the truth, “Look, I know I was this way in 1997, but I’ve changed and you’re not seeing it.  I’m successful and you should be feeling proud of me, not putting me down!”

But you are NOT in a normal situation.

Pennelope, I don’t know where you live or what your situation is financially or with extended family or anything, but I am not okay with ANYONE getting beaten by their family.  Even if you “deserved” it, though I’m not sure what that would even be.  Let me be clear on this – Handsome has never beaten me, and I’ve broken every rule he ever made, pooped on the rug, and even snapped at him a couple of times – beating is just simply NEVER okay!

So the questions I have for you are legal:  Does your family have the right under the law there to do such things?  Are you able to move out of that house and go to another relative’s or friend’s place? 

The things you say about whether or not you could ever forgive them – I don’t even care about that now.  That’s a choice to make later in life.  But right now, I JUST WANT YOU SAFE. 

And particularly, I want you safe from your brother.  Parents might feel they have the right to hit their children, and even though you’re older now, as I said above, they still might see you in that same way as before.  But what in the world is your brother doing hitting you?  Would he hit another woman your age?  Does he realize you could tell any woman he’s interested in about his doing this and that they would almost certainly leave him at once – and I’d be cheering them on?!  What kind of man is he, to beat his sister?

So again, my giant question to you – not an answer so much – is Is There A Way For You To Get Out Of There?  Whether through the law, or through someone helpful, or whatever.

Everything else is secondary. 

All my love,

Shirelle

Should you let your partner stay in contact with friends who creep you out?

PERFECTION asks:

My girl has this group of friends of hers from college, and I don’t like her guy friends at all, they’re the horny type of dudes. She always reassures me that I shouldn’t be worrying about them, and that much she’s mine after all. I recently found out about their group chat (her and some 2 other girls and those 3 guys). These guys are sending nudes one of them, and I’m not sure how I should respond to this. Should I let her hang out with those friends? 

Hey PERFECTION –

I’m kind of hit in two ways by your question. 

The first is your word “let.”  That worries me a bit.

Now I have a very particular relationship with Handsome.  We don’t say he’s my “master,” but it’s more like a parent-child thing in a lot of ways.  And there are lots of things he doesn’t let me do.  Like run into the street after a cat, or wander the neighborhood alone, or climb onto his white couch.  The first one is for my safety, the second is because I’d get picked up by a dog catcher and put back in the pound (I’d rather get run over, honestly!), and the third is because he’s all fussy and mean and thinks my dirty paws make his clean couch not look as good!

But you are in an adult relationship.  One where the members are more equal. 

Now sure, I hope that at times each of you refuses to let  the other do something.  Say, one of you has a number of alcoholic drinks and then wants to drive – I hope the other takes their keys!  And you certainly each have the right to insist on certain boundaries to the relationship – not letting the other one date or get sexually involved with someone else for example.

But can you choose whether or not to let  her have her friends?  You have the right to ask her not to hang out with them, you even have the right to tell her “It’s them or me!”  But she’d be the one making the choice.  And I think it’s really important to keep that in mind.  She’s clearly a very independent-minded woman, and although she seems to love you a lot, she’s also going to love her freedom in her life – and I’m not sure you want to ask her to choose between the two of you.

BUT…

My other thought is very different.  And this thought is – is she really the sort of woman you want?  You’ve brought up other concerns, and now you know she’s getting naked pictures of her friends?!  Is she sending them photos of herself, or of you, that you don’t know about?! 

I’m not judging.  I’m just wondering if this is a sign that, while she’s fantastic and you two adore each other, maybe you’re not a perfect match.

So, putting these two ideas together, I’m going to go to the place I go so often, and suggest you do what I can’t, and have a big talk.  Explain to her that you love her just as she is, and know you couldn’t change her if you wanted to anyway, but that it bothers you that she has this sort of relationship with this sort of people.  Not that they’re bad either.  But maybe you could ask her if she could ask them, now that she’s in a serious relationship, to not send those kinds of photos to her, that they creep her boyfriend out! 

And here’s the funny thing about that.  If she does that, at first she’ll seem like a prude to them, “Hey whatever happened to the fun person you were!”  But then, you’ll see other friends of hers start to follow suit.  They’re not in college anymore.  They’ve grown a bit.  And they’re going to be in more serious relationships too.  And most likely her girlfriends really don’t feel the need to see their old buddies naked.  And the guys are going to find that their new girlfriends don’t like being treated like college-age “hookups.” 

And she’s not going to lose her friends at all.  Not for this.

So that’s my suggestion.  But whatever you do, when you get to that word “let”… let it go.  Honor her individual spirit, as you’d hope she would honor yours.

(After all, whenever he knows it’s safe, Handsome loves to let me off the leash and yell to me “Run like hell, Puppy!”)

All my best,

Shirelle

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