My girl has this group of friends of hers from college, and I don’t like her guy friends at all, they’re the horny type of dudes. She always reassures me that I shouldn’t be worrying about them, and that much she’s mine after all. I recently found out about their group chat (her and some 2 other girls and those 3 guys). These guys are sending nudes one of them, and I’m not sure how I should respond to this. Should I let her hang out with those friends?
Hey PERFECTION –
I’m kind of hit in two ways by your question.
The first is your word “let.” That worries me a bit.
Now I have a very particular relationship with Handsome. We don’t say he’s my “master,” but it’s more like a parent-child thing in a lot of ways. And there are lots of things he doesn’t let me do. Like run into the street after a cat, or wander the neighborhood alone, or climb onto his white couch. The first one is for my safety, the second is because I’d get picked up by a dog catcher and put back in the pound (I’d rather get run over, honestly!), and the third is because he’s all fussy and mean and thinks my dirty paws make his clean couch not look as good!
But you are in an adult relationship. One where the members are more equal.
Now sure, I hope that at times each of you refuses to let the other do something. Say, one of you has a number of alcoholic drinks and then wants to drive – I hope the other takes their keys! And you certainly each have the right to insist on certain boundaries to the relationship – not letting the other one date or get sexually involved with someone else for example.
But can you choose whether or not to let her have her friends? You have the right to ask her not to hang out with them, you even have the right to tell her “It’s them or me!” But she’d be the one making the choice. And I think it’s really important to keep that in mind. She’s clearly a very independent-minded woman, and although she seems to love you a lot, she’s also going to love her freedom in her life – and I’m not sure you want to ask her to choose between the two of you.
My other thought is very different. And this thought is – is she really the sort of woman you want? You’ve brought up other concerns, and now you know she’s getting naked pictures of her friends?! Is she sending them photos of herself, or of you, that you don’t know about?!
I’m not judging. I’m just wondering if this is a sign that, while she’s fantastic and you two adore each other, maybe you’re not a perfect match.
So, putting these two ideas together, I’m going to go to the place I go so often, and suggest you do what I can’t, and have a big talk. Explain to her that you love her just as she is, and know you couldn’t change her if you wanted to anyway, but that it bothers you that she has this sort of relationship with this sort of people. Not that they’re bad either. But maybe you could ask her if she could ask them, now that she’s in a serious relationship, to not send those kinds of photos to her, that they creep her boyfriend out!
And here’s the funny thing about that. If she does that, at first she’ll seem like a prude to them, “Hey whatever happened to the fun person you were!” But then, you’ll see other friends of hers start to follow suit. They’re not in college anymore. They’ve grown a bit. And they’re going to be in more serious relationships too. And most likely her girlfriends really don’t feel the need to see their old buddies naked. And the guys are going to find that their new girlfriends don’t like being treated like college-age “hookups.”
And she’s not going to lose her friends at all. Not for this.
So that’s my suggestion. But whatever you do, when you get to that word “let”… let it go. Honor her individual spirit, as you’d hope she would honor yours.
(After all, whenever he knows it’s safe, Handsome loves to let me off the leash and yell to me “Run like hell, Puppy!”)
All my best,