Category Archives for "Teens"

How to get a relationship going between two people who are both scared of it

Mandhie asks: I am interested in a boy. He is a very good student and was the head boy when we were in middle school; so everybody expects something good from him and in order to release the stress, he has nothing to do than to retreat. (When I asked you about him before, you commented, “he retreats from one thing that brings out all these reactions and confusions and feelings.” Sorry but I don’t understand. Could you explain that part to me?) Right now, I feel the stage at which we are is not good for dating, but although I don’t know why, I am feeling kinda in a hurry to have a boyfriend. I am 15, and he will turn 16 this November. He is the kind of guy who expects he will have a girlfriend when he is maybe in his 20s. He would like to date only one girl so that no girl would have a bad impression about him, and he can be special only to her. And Shirelle, I want to be that girl he will hold her hand for the first time. This stage isn’t the best to date, so I’m waiting. I know he likes me, even though so many other girls like him. So we are just trying to ignore each other and be just friends although we wish to be together. I remember one day, his mum came to visit my mum and called me “daughter in-law.” Shirelle, my heart jumped out when she said that! His brothers also like to tease us as future husband and wife. All these beautiful things happen, but it seems we can’t be together since we both can’t express our feelings. At times, I wish he had never come into being, because I think about him all the time and it is not helping me! Please help Shirelle, I’m just thinking about something I feel will never happen.

Hi Mandhie –

 

Okay, let’s get this out at the start:  This is SUCH a romantic letter!!!  I’m just swooning!

 

Now, about what I meant about “the one thing that brings out all these reactions and confusions and feelings…” I mean YOU!  Just as you feel lots of feelings toward him that you express in this letter, he feels probably even more toward you – and all of them make him feel pressure.  Pressure to talk to you, pressure to be cool and avoid you, pressure to run away from you in case you’d be mean to him, pressure to run away from you in case you’d be super-nice to him!, pressure to figure things out, pressure to touch you… ALL those at once, and it’s just too much for one brain to handle!  Have you seen “Pacific Rim?”  It’s like there, when the people get hooked up and suddenly their brain has to take in too much and their noses start to bleed from the pressure!  That’s this guy!  (And it’s very likely a total compliment to you!).

 

Now when it comes to your question about yourself, I’d give the same Continue reading

How to make decisions

prettyndsweet12 asks: Do you have any decision making tips for making decision in general situations?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

 

I really have two tips about decision-making, and they directly contradict each other!

 

Let’s imagine that I see a squirrel leap off the roof of my house onto a bush, and climb down onto the ground and hop away.  I have to make a decision – should I chase him or not?

 

Well, my first tip is to not wait too long or think too much about it.  This is a very urgent situation.  The further the squirrel is from me, the less chance I have of catching the sassy little critter.  He also might see me if I give him time, and he’ll run away before I even get up onto my feet.  So my tip is – Choose Now!  Go For It!

 

My second tip, however, is the exact opposite.  What if that squirrel is right next to a Continue reading

Why are some conversations boring?

iriss asks: what is the most boring conversation for you ?

Hi iriss –

 

Like most dogs, I really like attention.  I love it when people come over to our house and I run up to them and they’re all excited and pet me and kiss me and throw balls for me and tell Handsome how beautiful I am.

 

And then, once they’ve done that for a few minutes… they stop.  They get talking about work or sports or movies, and they get glasses of tasty drinks, and they walk around, and forget all about Continue reading

Why do teenagers get depressed

salvatore asks: I am a teen. I have been facing anxiety problems for a couple of weeks. I have lost my confidence and self esteem – moreover I feel depressed. I am a topper and I was really good in studies, but now I have lost my concentration. I can’t tell this to my mother or anyone else. Can you please solve my problem of depression?

Hi Salvatore –

 

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I do need to ask you one question, but I’m going to then give some suggestions assuming I know what you answered – even though I don’t!  So if I’m wrong, please write me back and I can give you some other suggestions.

 

Here’s my question: Do you have any idea what started this depression?  Was there a single event – someone rejected you, you did badly at something, you lost a friend or relative or pet?

 

If there was a clear “moment” that got all this going, please let me know.  But I’m going to assume you answered “I have no Continue reading

2 What the Hell! – questions about all this apocalyptic stuff

What the Hell! – questions about all this apocalyptic stuff

A couple of months ago, I was peacefully lying on the living room floor, enjoying a lovely dream about the nearby barbecue restaurant having forgotten to shut its kitchen window one night, just enough for me to squeeze in and have my way with the refrigerator… when I was awakened by the television.  Handsome and his friends often watch it, and usually I don’t pay much attention to them.  But this program had such interesting sounds, I couldn’t turn away.

 

All these grotesque humans, with parts of their bodies eaten away, were clumsily clomping after other people, trying to eat them.  I thought this was the oddest thing I’d ever seen.  Then one of Handsome’s friends commented that this is the most popular series on television, at least in our country, for teens and young adults.  “Wow,” I thought, “this must be a particularly strange episode.  The teens I know are always writing me about love and family and school and the pains and joys these things bring.  Not about flesh-eating zombies.”  But no, this show, which most of you’ve probably seen, is always about these monsters, and a few people who are trying to survive the world being taken over by them.

 

I wouldn’t have thought much about that (after all, Handsome’s always loved monster movies), except that then an ad came on for an upcoming movie.  A movie about the end of the world, and how people would survive after it.  And Handsome put the TV on mute, and started talking with his pals about what movies each were looking forward to seeing.  Was it the movie about Tom Cruise in a futuristic Hell, or Matt Damon in a futuristic Hell, or the American comedy about guys who smoke lots of pot facing the end of the world, or the British comedy about guys who drink a lot of alcohol facing the end of the world, or the more serious science fiction movie about the world being destroyed by dinosaurs who fight giant robots, or…

 

They all disagreed about which ones looked better or worse, but then they all said there was one movie they wanted to see, because they’d loved the book so much: the one about how, in a futuristic postwar world, the grownups make starving teenagers fight each other to the death.  Or rather, it’s the sequel to that movie – the original was one of the biggest hits of our time.

 

Which all brings to my little mind one big question:  What in the still-existing world is going on here?!

 

The entertainment industry is not stupid.  They spend billions of dollars to find out what people want to see – especially young people.  Sure they make mistakes (such as betting that millions would want to see their favorite pirate in the old West with a bird on his head), but for the most part, they know what they’re doing.  And what they’re finding – with movies, with TV, with books, with video games, with graphic novels, with EVERYTHING – is that the Apocalypse is huge  today.  Especially when it involves the world attacking teenagers!

 

And what I want to know is: Why?

 

A few years ago it was all about heroic heartthrob bloodsuckers; before that, it was young wizards.  Admittedly, all of these young characters were being attacked too, but there wasn’t the sense that the whole world was villainous.  Voldemort had his minions attacking Harry and his pals, but they were a small part of the world (most of whom were Muggles who had no idea what was going on); Bella’s dad might have been a potential threat to Edward and Jacob, but he was a good man protecting his daughter and community.  But Katniss Everdeen is suffering under a grotesque government, who consider her fight for her life entertainment.  Yucch!

 

Why this?  Why now?

 

Observant pup that I am, I have a few thoughts.  First, you teens have grown up in a very odd time, when it comes to entertainment.  Your parents grew up watching sitcoms and cop shows, and maybe some song-and-dance variety.  But you’ve been raised on “reality” television, especially shows where people battle each other to keep from being “voted off the island,” or where they try to become popular singers while daring cruel insults from scornful judges.  Is this what you’ve grown to expect real life to be?

Second, you’ve grown up in an unclearly-defined world war, where there are often no uniforms, and even nations don’t mean as much as they once did.  Instead the rules of combat are random attacks, hidden bombs, unmanned drones, or hijacked airliners.  One of the more popular TV shows in my country is about that war, where one of the two main characters is mentally ill, and it’s hard to determine which side the other is on.  War is always horrible, but other ones have seemed to make more sense, at least from the outside.

Third, I wonder if the idea of the world ending seems especially realistic to a generation who’s grown up in a time where we’re of drastic consequences to humans’ pollution of the planet.  Mountains of plastic bags and bottles show up in the oceans; animal species are dying off at a rate unlike anything since the dinosaurs; and the atmosphere is heating up at an ever-accelerating rate, resulting in ice melts, changing weather patterns, and countless other shifts we won’t know till they’ve happened.  And no matter how many adults try to pretend all this isn’t actually happening, you kids are facing very unsure futures, and it’s in your faces every day.

 

And last, I wonder if there’s a little bit of craving for the world of these stories.  So many kids today are trapped in worlds with hardly any Nature.  Their parents make them stay indoors, they watch TV or their computer all the time (when they’re not imprisoned in classrooms, which sometimes remind me of pounds) – they suffer from what some call “Nature Deprivation Disorder.”  So how natural then to fantasize about being Katniss with her bow and arrow, or one of those other heroes in a world after technology has failed – and get to feel part of Reality.  What I get to feel when I meet up with my friends and we have a big play fight and tear up a back yard!  I might get cut up or punctured a bit, but it feels so good to do!

 

But is this enough?  Does all this explain the attitudes of this generation?  And is there more to ask?  I love Taylor Swift and Adele, but has there ever been a time before when the two biggest stars in music focus so much about their bitterness about past boyfriends?!

 

My Pack, my favorite people in the world: Are you happy?  Do you feel safe?  Or are you, like Katniss, and Rick and Laurie and Daryl, kind of terrified of what’s out there?   Do you feel like this is your world, that you have the right to step into it and find love and happiness and meaning?  Or are you feeling like it’s all against you, and that you are Never Ever Ever going to get to Roll in the Deep of blissful connection?

 

(Handsome wants me to also ask what you all think about this “Blurred” something?  I don’t know what he means, though, and he refuses to tell me more.  But if you want to tell me about that, too, please do!)

 

I am a very optimistic pooch.  I continue to believe that humans are so smart that even if things get as bad as these movies and books and TV shows show, you’ll find a way out of it somehow.  But I have a tiny brain, I know.  So let me know what you think.

 

And in the meantime, don’t forget to step outside your homes, gaze at a sunset, listen to the birds’ songs, and acknowledge that no matter how bad the world might seem at times, you humans (and we dogs) haven’t completely ruined it just yet.

 

Thanks,

Shirelle

How a parent should deal with their teenagers’ peer relationships

tefexu asks: How should I treat my young daughter (15) as to her relationships with her peer groups?

Hi tefexu –

 

 

My general answer to you is similar to what I’d say to a vanquished army after a war, if they asked me how they should treat the winners: be nice and try to get along, but hold to some boundaries.

 

Starting around age 8, human children begin to move away from being completely focused on their parents, and get more interested in their peers.  By age 13 or so, the peers actually become more important in their minds than their parents or other authority figures.

 

Now don’t get too frightened.  I’m not saying that the peers have more Continue reading

What to do if a teen hits a parent

achhu asks: My 13-year-old daughter is sharp-minded but very lazy in all her routines. She always obeys me but not her mother. Sometimes she also shows violence to her mother. She has a 7-year-old brother as well. Working father and housewife mother, happy middle class family. Whenever I advise her, she admits guilt and promises not to repeat. But after a short interval the problem starts again. What shall we do?

Hi achhu –

Any dog owner will tell you that the toughest time with a pet dog is the first year.  Puppies are rebellious, destructive, stubborn, needy, and have no real empathy for anyone else.  (That’s why we’re so incredibly cute at that age; if we weren’t, no one would put up with us!)

 

Humans go through something like that at age two, when they’re about as cute as puppies.  But then they go through a similar phase about 10-15 years later.  And it’s not nearly as adorable for the parents.  It’s called Adolescence, and most parents find it the most trying time they ever have with their kids (and get insanely nostalgic for those first couple of years, when the kids cried all day and screamed all night, but somehow seemed sweeter!).

 

That’s what you’re dealing with, achhu.  Your daughter is right on schedule.  And it’s completely normal for her to be especially mean to her Continue reading

What to do when someone who likes you shies away from you

curiouscutie asks: I’m in grade 10. I met this nice boy in grade 3, and we became good friends (and family friends too) but we never talked in school. Then when we had to leave our elementary school for high school he left to India, but soon came back (but we weren’t in the same classes anymore). Once in 7th grade he came to my class, with some friends, for something. There was a seat empty behind mine, so he sat there with his friends and started talking to me. He was just casually talking to me, but his friends and my friends started teasing us that we liked each other. Soon there were rumors in school that I liked him. Suddenly, he stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t say hi nor would reply to my hi. If he passed me he would ignore me as if I wasn’t there, as if I was invisible. When I joined Facebook I tried to add him but he blocked me. He was behaving very oddly. I thought he believed in the rumors. We have mutual friends in school, and when I hang out with them and see him, he says hi to them and talks to them but ignores me. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s annoying and making me angry. I don’t understand what my fault is – it’s been three years since we have had any interaction! What should I do?

Hi curiouscutie –

 

 

Well, as you know, I am an extremely intelligent and perceptive dog (well, intelligent in some ways!), but I am not psychic.  I can’t read minds, as much as I’d like to.  So I can’t guarantee that I know what’s going on in this boy’s mind.

 

However, I often am a very good guesser.  So I’ll throw my guess at you.

 

And that is that boys around seventh-grade tend to have a TON of things going on in them.  Relationships with friends and family are changing, their bodies are changing, the chemicals inside them are changing, and what they really want and need is often to run away and be by themselves in a deep dark wood for a few months, while at the same time to hang out with only their friends, and at the same time stay home with their families, and at the same time start dealing with their changing attitudes about girls…  and it’s just impossible!  So what they do is to Continue reading

How to kindly reject someone online

Chicken asks: A girl found me on Instagram, and now on kik, and asked if I would date her. I don’t really know how to say no. I wouldn’t date her, but I’ve never been asked out and I don’t know how to reject… Please help!

Hi Chicken –

 

 

Rejection is a funny thing.  We all hate being rejected (oh how it hurt, especially when I was young, and I’d run up to play with people who’d push me away, or dogs who’d get angry and bark and bite at me!).  But of course we all have to do it many times (yes, even us dogs).

 

I think the reason people are so often afraid to reject is because they remember how much it hurt when someone rejected them.  But the truth is, the rejections that hurt the most are usually the Continue reading

1 What to do when you find your best friend is gay

lovelyme asks: I’ve been talking to a girl – as in trying to get to know each other in a passionate way. I’m not gay or a lesbian, but ironically I’m falling for a girl. We exchange few “I love you” and sweet text messages. We kissed a couple of times, and I introduced her to my family. But I’m not ready to go with a girl. Her mom doesn’t know she’s gay. What should I do? I think I kind of brought her in too deep. I like boys and I’m stuck.

Hi lovelyme –

 

 

Issues about attraction between people of the same sex were so hushed over, for so long, that today it all seems to be exploding.  Laws are changing, definitions of institutions and rights are changing, even religions are changing.  It’s huge and exciting, and I think it’s absolutely wonderful (I jump on and lick everyone, and have never cared a bit about the shape of their body!).

 

I bring this up because, in truth, the situation you’re in is very simple, and has nothing to do with being gay or not.  The fact is, you’re attracted to a friend, even falling for her somewhat, but you don’t want to go out with her on a committed basis.  This is about as normal as Continue reading

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