Category Archives for "Teens"

Should you date someone else while you wait for the right one?

Mandhie asks: I am 16 years old. I know this scientific thing that, as a teenager, you are supposed to feel the urge of having a boyfriend or girlfriend someday, but it is actually not love but lust. Shirelle, about this boy I always talk to you about – the one whose mum calls me daughter-in-law, and who I wish would hold my hand and all? Recently you remember I told you he was angry with me because I put our picture on Facebook; well, he later told me on my birthday that he was not angry and called me “dear!” That is the first sweet word he has ever said to me. He made my birthday by just that one word. We chatted and I was happy but then I sat down to think – why did he all of a sudden call me dear and act so nice? Shirelle, I have a feeling he is beginning to like me, and I never want to give up because I want him to be my boyfriend, and my husband someday. My friend told me, since I am not sure as to whether he likes me, I should get a date so that at least I will have some experience, but I told her no, because I hated the idea, and, as I already said, I want that guy to be the only boy in my life. So what can I do to make him like me more, and also stay closer to him? And meanwhile, is the scientific thing I talked about happening to me? Why do I feel like having a boyfriend now?

Hi Mandhie –

 

 

Okay, so this is good news! At last this boy is noticing you. The bad news is that I can’t exactly tell you what to do next, because it really depends on him. Some humans pull away a bit after being nice to someone, and then need to get some space. Others feel “Okay, I’ve let her know how I feel, so now I need her to respond in a way that shows me how she feels.” Probably the best answer is to do a mixture of the two – stay back, but if he looks at you, give him a smile back.

 

I’m not quite sure what your friend is after. Is she thinking that this boy might never ask you out, so you’d better have a date before you’re an old granny of 17? Or is she thinking that you’ll be more attractive to this boy if you’ve already gone out with other guys? Either way, I don’t see any big reason for you to go out with anyone you’re not interested in. Of course if a boy asks you to a dance, and you want to go to that dance, there’s really no reason not to go. But it’d surely be better if Continue reading

A Certain Kind of Imagination …the nature of prejudice…

A Certain Kind of Imagination …the nature of prejudice…

I heard an interesting story a few days ago. A young man owned a really cool old car, a 1955 Thunderbird if I remember right. And one day, the car was stolen. The owner called the police, and filed a report. But after a few weeks, the police told him they hadn’t been able to find it, and were closing the case. He had the car insured, and the insurance company, seeing the police report, issued him a check for the cost of the car.

Then, one night, he got a strange phone call. The voice said it was a police officer, who wanted to tell him that his car had been found. In fact, the police had had the car for over a week, in a lot for found cars. And that, if he didn’t claim the car by the next day, it would be put up for auction.

And why hadn’t he been notified? Well, the voice explained, one of the police officers who had recovered the car had decided that he really liked it, and wanted to buy it for himself. So he rubbed off part of the car’s registration number, and left it in that lot till he could bid on it at the auction!

So the owner, because of the honest cop who’d phoned him, was able to get his car back, the insurance company got their money back, the crooked cop didn’t get the car, and all worked out okay.

Now here’s the question I want to pose to you: Based on this story, are police honest and good? Yes or No.

 

Hmmm… you might think… well there’s certainly that one bad one, who was doing something so underhanded and wrong. But then, there’s that other one, who went way out of his way (even possibly endangering himself if the bad cop found out) to help out the car owner by calling him.

So are police honest and good? The answer is… Police Actually Exist.

And like everything else that actually exists, they are capable of good things and not so good things. And while, as a general rule, I recommend that you treat police officers with respect, and optimism that they’re there to help people out (because I’ve never met one who wasn’t), it is true that there can be some who aren’t as good as they should be.

The point I’m getting at is that there is no “type” that is all good or all bad. We dogs are the most loyal, loving animal there is – overall. But some dogs are frightened of people, and some are angry, and some have been trained to attack; so you can’t just assume that all dogs will be as friendly and loving as I!

(Or have as good grammar!)

In fact, I would argue that to believe that all dogs are friendly, or all dogs are mean, or all police are corrupt, or all police are honest… is simply stupid. Stupid Prejudice.

 

Prejudice means just what it looks like. It means making a Pre-Judgment about something. And we all do it, all the time. When you go to school, you prejudge that teachers will be people who are there to help you, but maybe a bit rule-based. So if a teacher walks up and kicks you in the ankle, or offers you a cigarette, you’re going to be surprised!

But that’s not what I mean by stupid prejudice. No, stupid prejudice is when you hold to a belief about people, even though there is perfectly good evidence against it. For example, if you think, as someone in the news here in the United States said recently, that African Americans were happier as slaves than they are in freedom. That was really dumb. Not only did he come off as an idiot, but it made a lot of politicians who were supporting him pull away, as he made them look bad!

Or when you say someone else is less than you, because of their race or their nationality or their religion. We even see this sometimes, horrifically, where one group will kill all the members of another group they can, from the idea that that other group should be eliminated from the Earth. This is the most horrific extreme of stupid prejudice, and why it has to be noted and dealt with, in all of us.

 

Us? Did I say “Us?!” I sure did.

 

We dogs can easily be bigoted. In fact, pretty much all of us are. I know a Shepherd Mix who was once hurt by a tall white man, and after that he never trusted a tall white man again. And once, I had the experience, after I’d always found that cats run from me, of chasing one, only to find it turning around and slashing me right in the nose!

But I have an even better story:

When I was a little puppy, Handsome introduced me to a dog owned by some friends of his. He’d always found this dog to be friendly and sweet… to him. But she didn’t like puppies, and as I ran up to play with her, she dived on me and started beating me up and biting me! Handsome pulled us apart, but not before I’d gotten really scared!

A year or two later, full-grown, I was walking down a sidewalk with Handsome when a Newfoundland and his owner showed up. Now if you don’t know Newfoundlands, they are HUGE dogs, with long black fur. And to my eyes, this giant dog looked just like that other dog (who was much smaller in reality) had looked to me when I was little. So instead of walking up to sniff and play with it, as I did with all other dogs, I rolled right over on my back, showed this giant my belly, and did everything to show surrender but wave a white flag!

Why? Because I had learned a stupid prejudice! That dog was perfectly friendly. He could have been really fun to play with. But no, I had developed a bigotry that made my life just that little bit worse.

 

It makes me think of a conversation between two characters in a great old movie called The Philadelphia Story. One person is explaining why they had thought badly of someone, and says, “Well, it didn’t take much imagination.” And the other responds, “Not much, perhaps, but just of a certain kind.”

A kind that is predisposed to make unfair and wrong pre-judgments about others.

 

So I’m not going to ask you to never suspect people, or have predispositions to others. That’s impossible.

But I will say, when you notice yourself having a moment of pre-judgment, that you’ll find your world a lot better if you just take a breath and ask yourself, “How sure am I about this?” And if you aren’t too sure… use that great human brain of yours and find out.

 

Because, maybe, that dog you’re scared of would actually be fun to play with. And maybe that cat you want to chase is actually tough and brave. And maybe that police officer you think you know everything about is completely different than you would guess.

 

Because, you see, my dear friends – prejudice, when it’s not a correct judgment of someone, is nothing more than just an especially stupid way of being Wrong!

Take it from one who’s been there, and knows!

Should you move in with someone if you don’t like their family

Catlover29 asks: My boyfriend wants to move to Greece with his parents. They have land and want to build a house. I really do not want to go. I don’t like his mum – she is controlling, very stubborn, and does not listen to anyone. The problem is the house is due to be sold and therefore we should be due to leave in two months tops. I have told my boyfriend I don’t want to go, though I do love him very much, and he tells me he loves me all the time. He is telling me to just go and try to live there with him. I have thought about it and told him I would risk my own happiness for him. I just don’t know if I can do this! I feel miserable, and even thought at one point I wished I was not even here. We cannot afford to live on our own. What should I do?

Hi Catlover29 –

 

I certainly understand your concerns. I wouldn’t want to live with a controlling, stubborn, non-listening human either!

 

But my thought is that you should give it a try. Here are my reasons:

 

1)   Life is an adventure.   How many people get to move to Greece? If it doesn’t work out, you still got to go to live in one of the most amazing places on Earth. And if you move back home and start over – you could have done that by just moving across town; this is a lot cooler!

 

2)   You’d have to deal with his mother whether you Continue reading

How should one deal with the death of a parent?

mags asks: My mom died of cancer 3 months ago. I’m 16. Is it normal for me to only get sad when I am alone? What can I do when I get sad? This happens almost every weekend since she died.

Hi mags –

 

mags, I absolutely worship humans.  I think you’re the most amazing creatures ever.  I envy your brilliance, your imaginations, your inventiveness, and your opposable thumbs!

 

But one area where we dogs are lots better than you people is in accepting our emotions.  When we’re happy, we’re happy, and no one can take that away by shaming us into thinking there’s something wrong with that.  When we’re angry, we’re fierce, and while leashes and orders can hold our actions back, nothing and no one can take away our anger.

 

And when we’re sad, we’re just plain sad.  We mope, we whine, we howl.  We feel it fully, and it fills every molecule of our bodies, and every bit of our souls.  And I can think of nothing, NOTHING, that should make a person sadder than to lose their mother at such a young age.  I am so very sorry, mags.  It’s not fair at all.  It’s as sad as anything in the world.

 

You ask if it’s normal to only get sad when you’re alone.  That could mean two different things: are you saying that the sadness only comes when you’re alone, and not at other times, or that sadness is the only emotion you ever feel these days when you’re alone?

 

My answer, though, would be Continue reading

Why do teenagers get so alienated?

pripra197 asks: I’m 14 and for the past few months, I have begun to realize everything wrong about everyone around me, including my parents. Everything wrong about them is suddenly showing and the people I thought were perfect or really nice are suddenly showing all of the really bad parts about themselves. For people that I don’t really care about, it’s ok, but suddenly the people close to me seem like they are not the people I thought they were. And it’s really frustrating. I constantly feel like I’m being bad by judging them, but as much as I try, I can’t control it. All the bad and annoying parts about my dad and my mom are showing through and I sometimes get really mad about what they do and act more annoyed and impatient. They yell at me for it and call me all kind of labels like “she’s so impatient” and “she gets so annoyed so easily” in front of all my relatives. Sometimes I become really sad and just like to stay away from my family. But they have a label for that too. Some of my closest friends have become less close in my heart and it always feels like they need to change but I can’t do anything about it.

Hi pripra197 –

Well, here’s the good news and the bad news.  What you’re going through, every person in the world has experienced, once they’ve been teenagers.  This isn’t just normal, it’s REQUIRED.

It makes sense when you think about it.  It’s essential for young children to be able to trust the world around them.  Part of that includes believing that their parents, their teachers, and anyone else they count on is kind of perfect.  Yes, they might be bothered that one teacher is mean, or that their mom forgot to pick them up at school, but still they will hold onto this general attitude that “I’m safe because I can depend on these great people.”  Then, when humans become adults, they need to have a strong sense of human nature, and the strengths and weaknesses of other adults.  But how does one get from that romanticized extreme to that sophisticated intelligence?

They have to go through being Continue reading

Is it okay for teachers and students to get involved?

lettersdontfade asks: Last year, I fell in love with a guy who’s 7 years older than me – and he’s my teacher. He doesn’t teach my class, but he’s one of the teachers at school. We chat through BBM, and I fell for him instantly. Then last January, school started, and we’re barely talking anymore. I try my best to keep in touch with him, but it doesn’t work. He keeps ignoring me. I tried to forget him and I did. I met one guy in June/July, and another guy in July/August. But after that, I still caught myself thinking about him. Oh btw, when no one’s around, or just me and one of my closest friends, he talks to me. If not, he’ll act like he doesn’t know me. Then last month, he texted me, asking me about some stuff. He’s gonna leave soon. I’m happy about it because we can talk again with no “teacher-student” labels. He said sorry about everything and suddenly we kept chatting until today. One day, he asked me if I’d said something about him, and I said “what are you talking about?” and he didn’t want to talk about it until a couple days ago. We got onto some serious things. I broke my promise, and even said I was sorry, but he seems to not want to forgive me, even though he said that he already has. I love him so much, but I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him? I mean he’s got a girlfriend and will leave out of my country soon. When he talks, I feel like he likes me, but I don’t know. I just wish I could be with him. Please tell me what to do.

Hi lettersdontfade –

 

 

You’ve probably seen on this site that I am a very friendly pooch.  I tend to love everyone, and try really hard to see everyone’s viewpoint, as I’m a big believer that people almost always do things for what feel like good reasons.

 

But every now and then, I get kind of angry.

 

The fur along my back starts to stick up, my ears pull back, my lips rise to show my fangs, and I start to snarl.  And if things keep going as they are, I cringe back on my haunches, and get ready to snap forward and attack.

 

It doesn’t happen often, but it’s starting to happen here.

 

You’ve done nothing wrong, lettersdontfade.  In fact, you sound like an absolutely wonderful, loving young human.  The sort I would love to get to know.

 

But I’m not feeling so warm and friendly to your Continue reading

Why are girls so mean to each other?

welpe asks: Why are girls so mean to each other?

Hi welpe –

 

 

This is an issue we hear about all the time these days. Movies like “Mean Girls” have brought this issue (which has existed forever) into the limelight, and recent news about social media has shown the danger of it.

 

What’s mystifying is just what you’re asking: WHY?!

 

We normally think of humans as sort-of split: Males are tougher, more likely to fight, while Females are softer, more nurturing, more likely to try to resolve issues kindly. Yet, while there’s some truth to that, humans go through a period, usually in early adolescence (say 12-15) when girls can be incredibly cruel, especially to other girls – right at a time when boys are often withdrawn and even passive.

 

What in the world?!

 

(I should add that we dogs are actually quite different in this regard. As adults, we females are more protective, fierce, even more likely to fight, than males. This has resulted in a certain word, referring to female dogs, that humans use very harshly – but I won’t go into that here!)

 

I can’t give you an absolute answer, welpe, but I will offer you three thoughts on it. Maybe they’ll help.

 

First, in human brain development, adolescence is a time when humans start to care immensely more about their Continue reading

Why do teenagers get depressed?

Tulla123 asks: Dear shirelle, I think I’m starting to go through depression. I think this because of my mum; at the moment she constantly hates me. I feel like I’m worthless and I don’t want to live with her anymore. Usually I would just ignore it, but I’ve got to the stage when I sit in front of the mirror and ask myself “who am I?” I’m only 12 and I don’t talk to my dad so I can’t move in with him. I’m worried I’m going to get to the stage where I want to kill myself. How can I stop this from happening?

Hi Tulla123 –

 

It sounds to me like you have two things going on at the same time.  And both of them are very tough.

 

The first is just what you say – you’re feeling unloved by your mother, and you have no relationship with your dad.  This is HARD!  No question about it!  I believe you’ll get through it just fine, but this is really painful and difficult… and UNFAIR.

 

My guess is that your mum doesn’t really hate you.  She’s just Continue reading

8 How to Catch a Squirrel …the importance of optimism…

How to Catch a Squirrel …the importance of optimism…

As you know, I spend most of my time sleeping, sniffing around, cuddling up with Handsome, and hunting.  It’s a good life.

 

But sometimes I like to pay attention to new research.  For example, an interesting study just came out from University College London.  They had some people guess the likelihood that something good would happen to them.  Maybe they’d say “a one-out-of-five chance.”  Then they told them that the odds of that thing happening to someone was twice that.  And when they did, most of those people would change their minds, and figure that now their chances were better, say “a two-out-of-five chance.”  But when they told those people that the odds were worse, say “a one-out-of-ten chance,” they found that the people did not adjust their beliefs about that good thing happening to them.  They kept it at, say, one-out-of five.

 

This says a lot about you folks!

 

To put it in less confusing terms, what they found is that people are naturally optimistic.  You humans will take good news as proof that things are getting better, but take bad news as not so bad.  Some people will say this means people are stupid, or can’t learn.  But I disagree.  In fact, I think it’s necessary for you to be this way.  You see, it all comes down to Squirrel-Chasing…

 

We pups are programmed deep in our brain to chase animals.  And those of us who live with suburban humans usually don’t see a lot of antelope or monkeys to chase… but we see a lot of squirrels.  And where I reside, these sassy, chattery, rude little beasties like to run over my roof and make all sorts of noise.  And so, just like any other dog, I just live to chase them every chance I get.

 

Now that means I might chase five or ten squirrels a day.  So how often do you think I catch one?  Once a day?  Not on your life.  Once a week?  Nope.  Once a month?!  Uh uh.  Try maybe once a year.  Mathematically (and no, I couldn’t figure this out, but Handsome is good with numbers), that means my odds of catching a little seed-nabber are somewhere between eighteen hundred and three thousand six hundred… to one!!!

 

Now those are some pretty awful odds.  But does that keep me from chasing them?  No Way!

 

Because I know that every time I chase one of those little guys, there’s a chance I’ll get him.  And even though the chances aren’t very good, I know that the more I try, the faster I get, the more tricks I’ll learn (like guessing which tree the varmint will run to), and the better those chances get.

 

Meanwhile, this also gives me some added benefits:  my life stays fun, I don’t get so bored when Handsome’s not around, and I stay beautifully fit from the exercise!  While, if my brain concentrated on the probability of my failing to catch one of these little monsters, I’d sit around home lazy all day, depressed, lonely, and fat.

 

In fact, do you know what the definition of “depression” is?  It’s having the exact opposite of that natural optimism you guys and I tend to have.  It’s lacking hope, lacking the belief that things will go your way, and seeing no reason to do anything because things are just going to stay lousy, or even get worse.  It’s just as unrealistic as the optimism, but without the fun (and without the occasional triumph of a squirrel in your clutches!!!).

 

So here’s my theory about all this: Some people, and some dogs, have always been more or less optimistic.  But over time, the people (and the dogs) who weren’t optimistic enough to believe in possibilities better than the reality they faced didn’t survive!   They had to believe things were a lot better than they were, in order to make things a little better than they were, throughout history.  Really, it was the only way to make their lives any good at all.  So that optimism, to my mind, isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength!

 

However, meanwhile, there’s another side to all this.  Some people, using this same optimism, will say that nothing bad will ever happen to them.  They’ll drive drunk, or take dangerous drugs, or get into relationships with bad types, thinking they’re safe, when they’re really not.  So that that same optimism that makes some lives better can make their lives worse – or even end them!

 

So here’s my request for you, my dear friends.  Let your optimism make you try way harder.  Let that optimism get you to take daring risks.  Let it make you brave and romantic and impetuous.

 

But don’t let it make you stupid.  Don’t let it make you forget how valuable you are, to everyone who loves you today, and everyone who might meet you in the future.

 

You see, if I chase a squirrel in my yard, Handsome has no trouble with it (though I often sense he’s cheering the squirrel on to get away from me!).  But if I chase a squirrel across a street, it makes his heart stop.  He’s terrified.  He knows I could get hit by a car anytime, and it scares the daylights out of him.  And I know he’s right – but I also forget, because that squirrel (or cat, or whatever) is right there, running, in my sight.

 

So my request to you is the same as his to me:  Run like crazy and live your life to the fullest.  But don’t take risks that are too foolhardy.  Use your brains.

 

And live to be optimistic another day!

How to help a friend who’s an addict

pumpkin asks: My best friend is using illegal drugs. He once went to a rehab and was successful in overcoming his addiction. But few days back we had a big fight and he started doing drugs again. When I got to know this I tried my best to make him get out of this, but I’m no use to him. I have become hopeless. I don’t know what I should do to make him clean. He too, for me, tried to get rid of this addiction but he has become powerless. He has lost his strength. He now has no power over his addiction and he has admitted this thing! So he tries no more for it! He often thinks of suicide now. He can’t stand how he is hurting his loved ones. His heart is pure, but these drugs are ruining his life – and mine too! He does not want to go to rehab again; he says he’ll become mad over there if he has to stay for six months! I can’t see my best friend crying daily in front of me. He had good plans for his life, but now he has become hopeless. I want to do something for him. Please help me through this?!

Hi pumpkin –

 

This is a universal problem.  I heard someone say recently that, in my country at least, one out of every ten people suffers with some sort of addiction. This is simply awful.

 

You see, people often miss the point about addiction.  They say it’s fun to go have a drink, and so there’s nothing wrong with having fun.  I agree with that (as any dog would!).  But addicts don’t take their substances for fun – they take them because they lose their ability to not take them – even if they don’t want them.

 

So, for example, I love chicken broth.  I’d eat it every day if I could.  But that’s not an addiction.  But if I found out one day that eating more chicken broth would put my life in danger, would make me do awful things, and hurt or even damage those I love – and I still lapped up that broth, because I couldn’t keep myself from it… THAT would be an addiction.

 

Your friend is living through Hell on Earth, pumpkin.  And it is impossible for that to not be affecting you and anyone else who loves him.  This situation is so incredibly sad.  I am so very very sorry.

 

Your friend also gives a perfect example of the insanity of addiction, when he says that he’s thinking of killing himself because he feels so bad about how he’s treating his loved ones, but he won’t go back to rehab because he hates it there!  This makes no sense.  But addiction, by its nature, overrules the part of a person’s brain that cares about making sense.

 

So you are in this horrible position, and are asking me what to do, “to make him clean.”  I hate to do this, but I have to give you the worst answer in the world:

Continue reading

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