lettersdontfade asks: Last year, I fell in love with a guy who’s 7 years older than me – and he’s my teacher. He doesn’t teach my class, but he’s one of the teachers at school. We chat through BBM, and I fell for him instantly. Then last January, school started, and we’re barely talking anymore. I try my best to keep in touch with him, but it doesn’t work. He keeps ignoring me. I tried to forget him and I did. I met one guy in June/July, and another guy in July/August. But after that, I still caught myself thinking about him. Oh btw, when no one’s around, or just me and one of my closest friends, he talks to me. If not, he’ll act like he doesn’t know me. Then last month, he texted me, asking me about some stuff. He’s gonna leave soon. I’m happy about it because we can talk again with no “teacher-student” labels. He said sorry about everything and suddenly we kept chatting until today. One day, he asked me if I’d said something about him, and I said “what are you talking about?” and he didn’t want to talk about it until a couple days ago. We got onto some serious things. I broke my promise, and even said I was sorry, but he seems to not want to forgive me, even though he said that he already has. I love him so much, but I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him? I mean he’s got a girlfriend and will leave out of my country soon. When he talks, I feel like he likes me, but I don’t know. I just wish I could be with him. Please tell me what to do.
Hi lettersdontfade –
You’ve probably seen on this site that I am a very friendly pooch. I tend to love everyone, and try really hard to see everyone’s viewpoint, as I’m a big believer that people almost always do things for what feel like good reasons.
But every now and then, I get kind of angry.
The fur along my back starts to stick up, my ears pull back, my lips rise to show my fangs, and I start to snarl. And if things keep going as they are, I cringe back on my haunches, and get ready to snap forward and attack.
It doesn’t happen often, but it’s starting to happen here.
You’ve done nothing wrong, lettersdontfade. In fact, you sound like an absolutely wonderful, loving young human. The sort I would love to get to know.
But I’m not feeling so warm and friendly to your teacher.
You see, even though your letter doesn’t say that you and he did anything physically together, he still did something really wrong.
Did you notice above that I said you sound like a wonderful, loving, young, human? Yes, you are young. Not as young as you once were, but a lot younger than him. And you were even younger last year. And he had absolutely no business chatting with you on your phone, or getting involved with you in ANY way beyond a teacher-student relationship (and since he wasn’t even your teacher, he shouldn’t have even done much of that!).
The teenage years are difficult, confusing, and very precious for humans. It would be wrong to put a six-month-old puppy in line to pull a dogsled, and it’s wrong for an adult to put a teenager into any sort of romantic relationship with them. But it’s even more wrong if that adult’s a teacher. Parents send their kids to school with the expectation that they’ll be safe there, that the faculty are adults who are only interested in helping their beloved young to learn and grow into the fullest and strongest people they can, to be ready to face the adult world. Teachers who put their own interests, their own agendas, and their own desires onto their students are going against everything that they’re there for.
Now again, lettersdontfade, your letter doesn’t imply that you and he did anything physically together. If you had, it would be illegal in most parts of the world, and he’d be likely to not only lose his job but probably go to jail for what he did. And he’d deserve it.
But as it is, he got into your soul and your mind, and in his back-and-forth wavering, he’s hurt your heart. A lot. And for that, I just want to BITE him! He knew better, and I don’t care how beautiful and wonderful you are, it was his job to NOT DO THAT.
I’m particularly nauseated by his asking about whether you talked about him, and the question of whether he’d forgive you for it. No, my friend, it’s he who needs to ask forgiveness from you. And he knows it.
I’m glad he’s leaving the country, and I’m glad that you’ve found other guys. They are what your life should be about. Those actual boys might not be what you want, but they’re the right direction for you. Not this guy.
He’s, I’m sure, very charismatic and handsome. And you had a draw to him just as almost all teens get drawn to a teacher or some other adult – something that’s very normal and sweet – but he should have had the self-control to have stopped it there. This guy isn’t worthy of you. He’s either weak or a manipulative jerk.
You ask what you should do. I’d say you should do one of two things, and it’s really your choice. One is to simply cut him out of your life. To either tell him what a pathetic excuse for a human he is or just stop communicating with him, but either way, just move on. Cry if you have to, cry a lot if you have to, but know that life is going to be way better when he’s a distant memory.
Or you could be rougher. You could report him to your school, or your parents… or his girlfriend. You have the absolute right to do these. He did something wrong to you, and it’s up to you how you want to treat it.
But it it were up to me? If I knew where you lived, and I was able to come visit? I think I’d… hmmm… I’m getting inspired to write a poem…
First I’d bite him in the butt
He’d turn, I’d bite him in the gut
I’d hold on while he screamed in pain
Then I’d move down and bite his brain.
lettersdontfade, your whole life is in front of you. A life with a promise of beauty, love, and integrity. Everyone has stupid things that happened to them when they were young. This is one of those for you. However you choose to deal with it now, just know that you have not done anything wrong. You were young, and it was his job to be boundaried. If Handsome left the gate to our yard opened, and I wandered out, he would know that it was all his fault – you can’t blame a dog for walking out an open gate. Well, that’s you. You did nothing wrong.
I have an enormous respect for teachers all over the world, because they have such a difficult and important job. This guy blew it.
Do what you have to do, move on, and find someone better. That shouldn’t be hard. Almost anyone you meet for the rest of your life will be.
With love and deep deep respect,