Category Archives for "Teens"

Should one stay in a relationship with someone of a different religion

roshini asks: My boyfriend is a male chauvinist; he never understands my feelings and perspectives. I don’t like breaking relationships and so I thought to adjust with him, but later on I couldn’t, and we had lots of fights. He has trust issues with me. He is afraid to marry me since we are from different religions. Now I need to decide what to do – to be in this kind of relationship or to leave him!

Hi roshini –

 

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.

 

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things.  But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values.  Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

 

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like religion in their lives, or whether it’s okay to commit crimes.  Or the roles of men and women.

 

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing how you vote, but your beliefs about a woman’s place is in a home will show up every hour!

 

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  I have no idea how old you are.  If you’re thirteen and want to have someone to go to the school dance with, then all I care about is Continue reading

When you’re torn between two imperfect romances

Tshilidzi asks: I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for 8 months now. 2 months into our relationship he was way too busy for me and even canceled our dates. I knew he was a busy man before dating him, but I thought he’d compromise for me. I was so lonely and sad cause he reminded of my failed relationships and felt as if I didn’t deserve to be happy. I am a student, and where I school there is a lecturer, and for 3 years now we have been pretending to be a fake couple. All of a sudden it became real for both of us – and he is married. He is funny and gives me so much attention and is always around me. He made me forget about all my troubles. I dumped my boyfriend and he was there for me. Ended up taking him back after countless apologies and things have been perfect ever since. Problem is that now I’ve got deep feelings for my instructor and he even kissed me. I try to forget about him but I can’t and I know it’s wrong. I would tell myself that I’m not gonna entertain him anymore but the moment I see him I go crazy. The connection I have with him is something I have never felt before and he is also battling with me . He can’t stay away from me. And he is in a risk of getting fired and me being punished and my boyfriend is also doing the same course as me and I’m afraid he will find out. I don’t know what to do cause I’ve never been in this situation and I don’t know how to handle it. Please help me. I don’t want to be a reason why another woman is sad but I just can’t help myself, I am so deep in love with him. I can’t even stay away from him; also we are always looking for each other around the whole school and we talk every day. Some students have even noticed our change of hearts. He has been married for 2 years and has no kids with the woman, but has 2 from his previous marriage. He is older than me by 25 but looks very young. Please help me

Hi Tshilidzi –

 

Wow, Tshilidzi, there is so much going on here, it’s hard to know where to start!

 

But really, everything you wrote comes down to two things.  First, there’s a guy you’ve been dating who is so busy he makes you feel unimportant. And second, you’re in love with a married man, your professor, who is at least acting in love with you too.  Now either of these alone would be a perfectly difficult situation; the two together make an astounding one!

 

I’ll confess, the biggest confusion I have here is about the teacher.  He’s been married for two years, and that whole time he’s been “pretending to be a fake couple” with you?  Then he’s actually started showing real interest – seeking you out, kissing you – knowing that getting caught could be the end of his marriage and  his career?  But he’s not trying to make more happen between you?

 

I truly don’t understand what he’s doing.  Unless he’s one of those guys who get turned on by the danger of relationships, testing to see how much he can get away with (Many people consider Bill Clinton, the former U.S. President, to be a case like that).

 

What strikes me is that you have a very simple need: you need your boyfriend to show you as much interest as this lecturer does!  If your boyfriend searched for you around the campus, took risks to be with you, and stopped being “too busy” all the time, I think you might be able to get more excited about him, and less so about this other man who is wrong for you in so many ways.

 

But that means your boyfriend changing, and it’s you who wrote me this letter, not him.

 

So my only advice to you is to Continue reading

Is death the answer to the painfulness of life?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, is death the answer to all problems and sadness in life? I’ve always wanted to shut myself off to the world. I’m in pain for far too long and I think that’ll be the only way to maybe at least get over the pain.

Hi PERFECTION:

 

Quick answer to your question:  No.

 

Absolutely not, no way, impossible, forget it.

 

Now, now that I’ve said that, let me make one exception.  If you had a terminal disease, and were in constant awful pain, and only had a short time to live, it’s possible that I could agree that the best thing would be for you, in a way agreeable to your loved ones (and of course, only if in accordance with your religious/moral beliefs), to end your life sooner.  After all, that’s what you guys do with dogs, cats, horses, and so on, and that’s an act of love and kindness.

 

But if you’re young and healthy, the fact is that anything you did to end your life would cause more pain than you’ve ever experienced.  To more people than you even realize.

 

You see, when a person feels good about life, they feel some of the connection to everyone that we dogs feel all the time.  You open a door for a person you see needing it, you smile at little children because they make you smile, you see a car in a big hurry and let them cut in front of you.

 

But when a person feels depressed, empty, hopeless, or sad, they tend to feel completely disconnected.  Like no one sees them, no one cares about them, and they don’t care about anyone else.

 

The fact, PERFECTION, is that you are more connected to more people than you can begin to realize.

 

What would it do to you to find out that your neighbor killed himself?  Would you wonder if you could have done something to prevent it?  Even wonder if you were responsible in some way?

 

And what if that were your uncle?  Or your parent?  Or your brother or sister?

 

Or your own child?

 

I don’t know a lot about your life, PERFECTION (only that you ask great questions!), but I’m betting you have a Continue reading

What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

PERFECTION asks: What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

Hi PERFECTION –

 

My friend, your asking me this question is like asking me what it means to fly, or to walk on two legs.  It’s something I know exists, but it sure doesn’t apply to me!

 

The best illustration I can give of this concept is cats, and cat-people.  (Note – I’m going to write this SOOOOO non-judgmentally!  And that’s SOOOOOO hard for me!  So please, give me some applause for my Gandhi-level tolerance here!).

 

There are people who like cats more than dogs.  And they’re perfectly sane, and have the right to do so (DO YOU SEE HOW HARD I’M STRUGGLING HERE?!).   And one reason, maybe the biggest reason, for that is that they really don’t like the way dogs are always coming up to them, wanting to lick them and play with them and love and be loved by them.  They find this behavior annoying and insincere.  They far prefer the company of kitties, who will come to them out of need (for food or shelter) or out of a temporary wish for affection and attention – and then go mind their own business, often in a way those people find cute and meaningful.

 

Now you know very well, I’m no cat, and my human friend Handsome is quite the opposite of those people.  He loves  the attention I give him, loves that I want his attention, and it simply melts his heart when I come to him begging for love.

 

The fact is though, when it comes to humans interacting with other humans, the issues are subtler.  A person who is generally drawn to more effusive people is still going to want some space, and get tired of being asked “Honey, do you still love me?”  And the person who likes cooler, more self-contained people, is still going to need reminders that their partner wants and needs their love.

 

So while I can imagine someone meant very well when they told you to “Never beg to be loved,” I’d change that to “Always Continue reading

What to do when an abuser breaks up with you

Kavita asks: I got married one and half years back. My husband is very good person by heart, but when he gets angry he’ll act like a demon. Once, for no good reason, we fought, and he beat me up and left home and blocked me from everywhere. Then one day out of frustration I cheated on him (meaning I kissed a guy and he also kissed me) and now my husband found out about this and is asking for a divorce. I don’t know what I should do?

Hi Kavita –

 

I don’t know enough about the earlier part of your marriage to say anything super-intelligent, but it sure sounds to me like this relationship has run its course.

 

First, I am not  a fan of men who beat women up.  I love a good fun friendly fight as much as anyone, but this is more like getting kicked by a person with metal-toed boots.  Then, he’s blocking you from knowing anything about him, but suddenly able to find out what you’re doing, and saying he wants a divorce because you kissed a guy?

 

It sounds to me like he’s looking for excuses.  Maybe he’s been running around, or even has a girlfriend (or wife!) now, and doesn’t want to look like ‘the bad guy’ in the divorce proceedings.

 

My biggest question to you is why you’d want to stay with him, after he treats you this way.  I know you two have this year and a half together behind you, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let this go.

 

If he sounded interested at all, I’d be recommending you to go to Continue reading

How to handle someone who wants to take longer before starting a relationship than you do

Ojisan asks: I have a crush on a girl, and I thought she liked me too because I openly flirted with her about making her my girlfriend and she used to say “we’ll see.” Finally I proposed to her but she rejected me. Normally most people would avoid each other after this but she is still close to me. Whenever I joke about my confession to her she says that everything takes time and one should know the person really well before coming into a relationship. I still like her but I’m confused. Is she hinting to me to take my time, or am I just overthinking too much and should just be friends?

Hi Ojisan –

 

People love to talk about the differences between cats and dogs. Now of course you and I know that cats are awful and stinky and need to be chased, right? Right?

(Okay, okay, I know, they deserve freedom and happiness just like anyone else, and I have to learn to be tolerant, and some of them are really great, okay…  But that’s not what I’m talking about here anyway.)

 

Most dogs, when you meet us, are instantly friendly. We want to be your best friend. We want to sniff you and lick you and jump on you (some of us have been trained not to, but we do want to!). That’s just the way we are.

Meanwhile, most cats are far more cautious. They stand back, figuring you out, to see if you’ll be nice or not. And even once they know you’re nice, they still hold back – they stay ‘cool,’ even standoffish, except when they just can’t take it anymore and come to you for a cuddle.

 

Well people are a lot like cats and dogs. Some are eager at once to connect all the way, and some hold back. It doesn’t mean the eager ones will be more committed than the hold-backers; sometimes the opposite happens. But it does mean it’s a good idea to look at people and figure out what they need and how they want to be treated.

 

In a sense, Ojisan, you’re a dog and she’s a cat. Your view is that if two people like each other they should admit it and run into each other’s arms. While she seems to be feeling, “That’s great, he likes me just as I like him. Now let’s start seeing what each other is like, and if I should allow him even a step closer!”

 

Now here’s the great news, Ojisan – she is telling you, in every way, to Continue reading

2 The Wrong-Turn Lizard …how to live life in the moment…

The Wrong-Turn Lizard …how to live life in the moment…

Just today, just a few minutes ago, my human friend Handsome went outside his house, to check if the mail had arrived.  I walked out with him, as I usually do.  And as we were walking back in, a very small lizard stepped inside, through the doorway.  Handsome pulled me back and held the door open, to encourage the little creature to go outside.  But, frightened by the two of us, it instead ran behind some heavy boxes in a closet.  So there was no way for Handsome to get the lizard to come out and through the door – moving the boxes would just scare it further in.

Now I don’t know a whole lot about lizards.  I don’t know what species this one is, or how long they usually live.

But I am sure that this was the most interesting event yet in this little creature’s new life.

Anyway, now, Handsome’s got the door open, in hopes it figures out to go back outdoors.  But it might stay hidden, and lose its life back there.  Or one of us might find this little beastie crawling over our face one night as we sleep!  There’s no way of knowing.

But this does make me think about these events that change our lives.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, everything shifts.  If that lizard had just run out the door instead of into the closet, the whole incident would have been just a mildly interesting moment for it.  Instead, this might well determine its entire future.

Sometimes we get those events in predictable ways: you’re born, you start school, you leave home, you start a job, you marry.  Or in my case, I got bought at the dog pound… and that’s about it.

But I don’t know if I’ve met anyone who’s not had other life-changing moments, ones they didn’t expect.  As big as a horrible accident that severs a limb (and unlike lizards’, ours don’t grow back!), or the sudden loss of a loved one.  Or the good kind – being picked as a random winner, receiving a wonderful gift, or getting struck by the lightning that is love at first sight.

And then, there are also the little ones.  Whether bad (failing a test at school you hadn’t realized was today; getting sick right before a date you’re excited about), or good (meeting a friend when you didn’t expect to; switching on a TV and seeing what becomes your favorite movie ever).

And then there are the super-tiny ones.  “I didn’t think the sunset would be so beautiful tonight.” “I didn’t expect this much traffic.”  “I thought I’d like that soup more than I did.”

The truth is, life is so full of surprises, you might argue that life is only a collection of them.  At least if you look at it the right way.

You do know that one day, you won’t breathe anymore, right?  So what if you let yourself be pleasantly surprised every time you take a breath.  Any time you wake up.  Any time you hear the sound of someone you love.

One thing we dogs are WAY better at than you people is living in this mindset of gratitude.  When you come home to us at the end of a nothing-special average boring day, we are THRILLED to see you.  When you feed us the same food we’ve gotten every night, we jump around and dance for it.  And when you pull out that leash…  watch out world!

You see, because our brains are smaller than yours, we can’t have the sorts of conceptions you can about time and plans.  When you leave in the morning, you’re gone, and we don’t know where you are or if you’re ever coming home.  So we get sad and worried over things you never would, but we also leap into joy so much more than you.

Now here’s the giant truth – your next breath is every bit as important to the rest of your life as that lizard’s choice to run behind those boxes was to its.  Your next meal could be good, nasty, incredible, or poisonous.  The next person you meet could become the love of your life, your best friend forever… or your murderer.  You have no idea.

So while I do hope the little reptile (or are they amphibians, I can never remember) has managed to sneak out the doorway without my seeing it, and will live a full, happy life (which will include getting chased by me another day), I also want to give you this gift, of surprise. Of seeing every moment as new, frightening, invigorating, exciting, and magical.

If you can look at your experiences, while you’re living them, in that way, your life will be fuller and far more beautiful. It won’t be easy – it requires bravery and a willingness to feel failure often – something a lot of people will try to talk you out of.  But it means you will feel every moment fully, and experience a level of gratitude few people achieve.

Or, I guess, you could sit behind a box, in a dark closet, waiting to starve.

But unlike any of the “surprises” I’ve listed, that would be purely a choice.  Your choice.

And last I looked, you guys were supposed to be … let’s see … how much smarter than a lizard?!

 

What to do when someone wrongly rejects you for a medical condition

Casmir asks: Hey, hope I will get help and won’t be judged. I am gay and I have been in a discordant relationship with my boyfriend for the last six months. He loved me the way I am, though he came to know my HIV status before I could tell him, but he later was okay with it and loved me unconditionally. Well my viral loads have not been good of late and I was given three months to do the next one (this month was the last month) but lately I came to realize that I was not the problem; I have been taking the wrong medication for one year now and that is why my viral load went high. I was depressed and felt frustrated. On Sunday I called my boyfriend. He was at work. I told him how I felt, and he told me he is coming to see me. In a few minutes time he was at my place, so I shared how I felt, but what he said shocked me. He told that he feels like he is now at risk of getting HIV and he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I was so emotional that I couldn’t help it. He later went back to work. I was so depressed, hurt and in pain that I texted him, and later at night he called me and told me that he wants us to be friends, that nothing is gonna change apart from the intimacy part. I tried to stop him from making the decision but he said we should try it. I am not comfortable with the friendship thing, since it will hurt me more knowing that he is not my boyfriend but we still hang out together. I just don’t know what do. I am hoping that he will change his mind later on and decide to be together; maybe this was too much for him to take in, or is it because he is undergoing so much pressure at his work place that he just wants to break up (since we were on a relationship break we had finished one week). I am confused and desperate. Please help.

Hi Casmir –

I’m in a very difficult position here.  On one hand, you’ve dealt with a lot of unpleasant issues – you were born with a quality that a lot of the world stupidly and unfairly rejects, you got a terrifying medical condition, and you have been “friend-zoned” by someone you love.  All of these are just rotten, and you have every reason to feel bad about them.

 

Then on the other hand, you’ve just been told that the life-threatening disease you were told you had is actually a mis-diagnosis, and you’re fine, just suffering from some wrong medication.

 

But I don’t hear you jumping for joy over that one.  And you should be.

 

You should, my friend, be out of your mind with ecstasy about this.  YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!   You had been told you were dying and you’re NOT!

 

Now, do you still have a condition that’s hard to live with?  You sure do.  And you have to Continue reading

How to deal with a boyfriend girlfriend who treats you badly

confusedafgirl asks: I have had many boyfriends and I always thought, “ok this is love.” But I truly fell in love with a guy who was my best friend for two years and we really shared every minute with each other. But then, due to some problems, he left me and started dating another girl. He came back, but I wanted commitment, so he left again and dated some other girl. Now I was alone, no friends and nothing, and then a boy entered in my life making me happy, and everyone says how perfect we are together – even after six months he hasn’t made me cry. We solve everything perfectly, but now this ex of mine has been drunk-calling me for four months, and he’s too depressed, and he doesn’t have any friends, and he wants me back. I know I should be with my current boyfriend, but I always miss my ex too, and I had promised him that I’ll always be there for him, and I don’t break promises, but now I don’t want to hurt my current boyfriend too. In between many things had happened. Before my ex I was raped, and he helped me move past that, but when he left I tried killing myself (after that I went for sessions and now I’m okay). But now my ex is depressed in the same way and I don’t want him to do anything stupid. Please help me. I’m really confused.

Hi confusedafgirl –

 

Okay, I have a long answer to part of your question, but let me move past this other part first.  You promised a guy who broke up with you twice, for other girls, that you’d always be there for him?  That promise is NULL AND VOID!  Sorry, guy, but whatever promises she gave you, you invalidated when you broke her heart, TWICE.  End of story, she owes you NOTHING.

 

All right, so that’s my very quiet subtle doggy voice there.  I hope that’s okay.  But even if it seems harsh, I’m not apologizing or lessening my opinion in any way.

 

Now, onto your main question.  You had a guy you were crazy about who treated you like last week’s garbage.  Then you found a new guy who treats you like the princess you are, but you feel drawn to that last guy, especially as you know he’s feeling bad.

So, you’re human, you’re a good person, and you’re complicated.

But you’re also something else.  You’re addicted.

 

What?  This mutt is saying you’re a drunk, or a druggie?  No I’m not.  But your addiction to your ex-boyfriend is just like the addiction you could have to cigarettes or alcohol or drugs.  It goes to the same part of the brain.

Think about it.  Have you ever known an alcoholic?  Have you seen how they have the ability to reject everything wonderful in their lives (say marriage, kids, job), completely believing it’s a way better idea to get drunk in the middle of the day?

And what exactly is different from that, in your behavior?

Now maybe you didn’t mention that your ex is the best-looking, sexiest, guy since David Beckham and Bruno Mars?  But even if that’s true, he treated you badly.  So just like the alcoholic who says “But orange juice never tasted as good as a martini,” you’re treating yourself badly for the sake of a good feeling you get from that “substance.”

 

Now I don’t know if this new guy is actually right for you.  But I can see you have an addiction to the old boyfriend.  And just as with a drunk or a heroin addict, your job is to Continue reading

How to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend

Outcast asks: I chickened out on asking the girl I like to be my girlfriend. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just need an idea on how to tell her. Do you have any idea I can use?

Hi Outcast –

 

 

I hardly ever disagree with things people say when they ask me questions, but in your case I’m inclined to.  You say you “chickened out,” and that there’s something wrong with you.  But from what you’ve written me before, it sounds like there were lots of reasons to suspect that she’s not ready for a relationship yet, and would reject you.

 

Now yes, I did encourage you to go ahead and try if you wanted to.  And I would have loved you doing that.  But as it is, I wonder if you actually had a smarter voice than me, that little voice inside your head, that read her correctly.  And said “Don’t do it, Outcast.  At least, don’t do it now.  Let her grow, and let your relationship grow.  And see where that goes.”

 

I’m a big fan of instinct, and live much of my life by trusting mine.  And I find one huge mistake humans make is to not listen to theirs, and instead trust some idea they’ve been told.

 

So I’m not going to call you chicken, or say something’s wrong with you.  Instead, I’m going to say you are smart, instinctual, and sensitive to her feelings.

 

But NOW, with all that going for you, what can we do to win her over?!

 

Well, you’ve told me she’s been hurt before in a relationship.  One easy thing is to Continue reading

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