Category Archives for "Teens"

How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

 

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

 

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

 

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

 

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

 

Well… it takes patience!

 

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

 

What?!  What did I Continue reading

How to deal with creepy strangers

Melissa asks: Today after school me and my friends were sitting in the train station talking, when suddenly a bunch of men appeared and gave us problems, assaulting us. Both my friends were angry but I was calm when the man told me he so-called “loved” me. I said, “I love you too.” I even talked to the man who was bothering me to find out why he was doing this. Most people say you need to avoid such. Was I right to talk to them? Did I act in a right way?

Hi Melissa –

 

There are decisions in life where the answer is based on morality.  Is it right to insult a helpless person?  Is it right to hit a baby?  Is it right to kick a puppy?  (I’ll give you a hint about me – I’m going to say “No” in each of these cases!)

 

But other times, the answer of what is “right” is based on the result of the action.  The easiest example is something we’ve seen in tons of stories, where a ticking time bomb is reduced to two wires , one blue and one red.  If you leave them as they are, it will go off in thirty seconds and kill you and everyone around you.  If you cut one wire, it will blow up right away.  If you cut the other, you’ll defuse the bomb and save everyone.  But there’s no way of knowing which is which.  What’s the right thing to do?

Well, the only way to know is to choose a wire and cut it.  And you’ll find out very quickly whether you chose the right one or not!

 

As I see it, Melissa, you were in a “time bomb” situation.  You didn’t know these men, and neither did your friends.  You wanted to be safe, to not be hurt by them.  Maybe ignoring them would have made them leave you alone, and maybe it would have angered them and they would have harassed you in a worse way.  Maybe yelling at them to go away would have gone well, or very not.  And maybe being friendly and curious would work, or not.

 

Well you chose the latter, and it worked.  So, as with cutting the red or blue wire, you made the right  decision.  Now does that mean you should always do what you Continue reading

What to do when you find out something awful about your boyfriend or girlfriend, while they’re going through a bad time.

Snowball18 asks: My long distance boyfriend’s sister just died, and at the same time I came to know that he had lied to me about not having any girlfriends before me, and about being a virgin too. I am a virgin and this is my first relationship. I don’t know how to react to this – how and when should I tell him I know this?

Hi Snowball18 –

 

Oh what a horrible story!  I’m so sorry, about his loss and about this awful discovery.

 

I think the answer to your question, though, is that you need to divide these two issues up clearly.  And ask yourself what you’d do with each.

 

Now with his sister dying, I imagine you’d be enormously supportive and loving.  You might even try to travel to see him and his family.  You’d listen to his pain, you’d try to comfort him, you’d do everything you could to help him through this so-unfair experience.

 

But if she hadn’t died, if she was doing just great, or if he’d never had a sister at all… how would you react to this news about his past, and his lie?  Would you just call him a liar?  Would you break up with him?  Would you smash up his home?  Would you growl and bark and bite him so hard you ripped the seat out of his pants (that’s what I’d do, but I’m not saying that’d be necessarily best)?

 

The issue here is Continue reading

What to do when missing someone keeps you from being able to work.

Smile asks: You may remember my question about my guy best friend. We became closer than ever after your amazing advice, but he has to leave for higher studies now, and I have one more year to complete in my current school (he was my senior). We will not be able to contact with each other for a long time because he is going to hostel (where phones are not allowed). We both completely understand that leaving for studies is important for his future, but both of us felt frustrated and sad after we said our final farewell. I hate goodbyes, and I feel like I will hate school more than ever now because he was my only true friend. It has now reached a point where I can’t concentrate on anything else except my sadness and the thought of him going. I also know that he feels the same, but there seems nothing we could do about it . I miss him so much. Please help me deal with it.

Hi Smile –

 

What a sad story!  I wish I knew more – like how long he’ll be there, and if he can use a phone sometimes (maybe on weekends?).  I can’t imagine he’s being cut off from all contact, unless he’s joining a monastery or on some other spiritual path where he needs to do that.

 

But in the meantime, you’re stuck with this problem on a daily basis.

 

Now sadly, there’s nothing I can recommend to make you stop missing him.  And I imagine you wouldn’t want  to stop missing him.  You love him and everything’s good between you; why would you want him not to matter?

 

What we need is for you to find something else to focus on in the meantime.  Yes, you have schoolwork, but of course your brain is going to get distracted with that (there’s a reason they call it work; if it was always exciting it wouldn’t require such effort!).  So imagine he was still there, and you could talk to him every day – but you also had a few hours to spend on something besides him and your schoolwork.  What would you most like it to be?  Would you like to learn a new skill?  Play an instrument?  Get involved in a sport?  Maybe do a volunteer activity?  (Like work at an animal shelter taking care of scrumptious pups like me who need love and attention and extra treats?!!!)

 

But I want you to do something else too, right away.  I want you to Continue reading

What to do when a lie you’ve told makes you look bad

Suzen asks: I have a boyfriend. I lied him that I am addicted to drugs. Then he told this to his sister. Now I’ve fallen in love with him, but his sister doesn’t want me in his life. He’s upset. How do I get out of this situation?

Hi Suzen –

 

Your question reminds me of an old trick that lawyers like to play in courtrooms.  They’ll get a person onto the stand, where they’ve sworn to tell the truth, and ask them a question like “Have you stopped beating your wife?”  The person starts to argue against the question, and they’ll demand, “Yes or No!  Have you stopped beating your wife?!”  Of course, if the person says “No,” then it sounds like they beat their wife.  If they say “Yes,” then it sounds like they used to beat their wife.  The question doesn’t allow for the fact that they never touched her!

 

But Suzen you don’t need a lawyer to do this to you; you did it to yourself!  Your boyfriend’s sister (and maybe your boyfriend as well) will want to know if you’re still addicted to drugs.  If you say yes, obviously that means you’re an addict and she has reasons to worry about her brother being involved with you.  If you say no, then they have to wonder if you’re really over the drugs, if you might go back onto them, and all that.

 

The only solution to this is based in something I don’t know:  WHY did you say this to him?

 

Whatever the reason was, whether it was to push him away, to make yourself sound more interesting, to sound like an expert… I don’t know.  But if you want to keep him as a boyfriend, you’re going to need to Continue reading

What to do when you’re attracted to someone like your abusive parent

HoneyBunny asks: I want to have a stable relationship. I will tell you something about my family background first, as many people keep on saying that my mind is unstable because of my family issues. So my mum and dad got separated 7 years ago, and my dad got into a relationship with some other lady, and my mum got married and has started staying with her husband in another city. She does provide me everything, but her presence is what I crave. I have no contact with my real father or his family. And I was in a relationship with a guy and we ended up because he was apparently cheating on me. And I like someone now but that guy is just like my real father. I don’t want myself to fall for him, because he isn’t doing any job – he drinks a lot, and even abuses a lot, but still I am very much attracted to him. Please suggest something.

Hi HoneyBunny –

 

This is really unfair!  This is too many awful things happening to you all at once!  I can’t even tell if you’re living with an adult now, or if you’re too young to be living that way, and … ARRGH it’s just not right!

 

So I have to say, it makes TOTAL sense that you would be drawn to a man who reminds you of your father.  You have a deep need for this man who has disappeared from your life, and are trying to replace him with someone similar.

 

What’s GREAT is that you’re aware of the guy’s problems, and especially that they are the same as your dad’s.

 

I just sent out a newsletter with a piece on this exact issue – what to ask yourself before dating someone.  If you didn’t get it, you might want to look at it: https://askshirelle.com/2019/02/15/twenty-questions-avoid-dating-problems/

 

But in the meantime, you have a bigger job, which is to find out how to get what you need from a guy who doesn’t have these flaws.

 

What I want you to do is to Continue reading

4 My Green Name Tag – the joy of celebrating cultures

My Green Name Tag – the joy of celebrating cultures

I have a green name tag that hangs off my purple collar.  Not by accident – Handsome loves the way those colors look against my orange and white fur.

This usually doesn’t mean a thing to me (remember we dogs are color-blind!), but there’s one day a year I’m really glad I wear something  green.  That’s St. Patrick’s Day.

On this holiday, at least here in the United States, there’s a tradition that everyone is supposed to “wear the green.”  And if you don’t, people have the right to pinch you.

Well I DON’T LIKE GETTING PINCHED!  It hurts, and I’m not allowed to bite anyone back if they do it!  So I’m glad my name tag keeps this problem away.

 

But just recently, I started wondering, what’s the big deal about this color?  And why should St. Patrick, not a super-important saint in the history of Christianity, get a holiday, when… oh, say, Peter, Paul, and Mary don’t.  (Hey, look what I just did!  If you’re old enough, or a fan of 1960’s folk music, you’ll see I just made a sort of joke.  And if you don’t get it, do a search for “Peter Paul and Mary” and listen to some of the most gorgeous popular singing ever recorded!)

 

So anyway, I did some research about this day.  And I found that it’s on the day St. Patrick is said to have died.  And the green is because it’s a color associated with Ireland, where he brought his religion. And the holiday is to honor the Irish people and their culture.

But wait.  I live in a country known as a “melting pot,” where almost every culture of the world exists.  Why is this day such a big deal?

Well, it seems that centuries ago, tons of Irish fled their homeland in the face of famine and oppression, and came to America.  And they wanted to honor their heritage, so over time, it became a holiday for everyone here – and now over most of the world.

So in other words, even if you’re a Moroccan-Serbian-Singaporean Sikh, you’re still supposed to wear green on the 17th of March, to show pride in your Irishness.  Because they were desperate refugees.  And dance to Irish music, and eat and drink their food, and just have the best time you can – all to honor something you’re not!

Silly?  Yeah, kinda.

And, I think, also kind of fantastic.

 

Most of the horrors of human history have been perpetrated because one group of people sees another as “different” or “the other.”  How great to have a day where everyone’s Irish.  Wouldn’t it also be great to have a day where everyone is Nigerian?  Pakistani?  How about a day when everyone’s some other refugee from a starving oppressed nation their country happens to be welcoming?  Hey how about if one day everyone was Israeli and the next day Palestinian?  Might people find it a little harder to blow each other up if they’d just had a party where they danced to those people’s music, ate their traditional foods, and – yes – drank their drinks too?!

I’ll make you a deal.  If you humans start doing this, I’ll agree to dress as a CAT one day a year; I’ll even eat tuna, scratch on a couch, and poop in a litter box!  All for the cause of world peace!

But till that day, I do hope you all get a chance to enjoy at least a little of St. Pat’s this year.  Dance an Irish jig.  Eat some cabbage and potatoes.  Drink some beer (if you can and should).  And raise a toast to your favorite Irishpeople ever (James Joyce?  John Wayne?  Enya?  Hey this pup is a total sucker for the voice of Bing Crosby!)!  And may the road rise to meet ya!

 

 

So my dear dear friends, I wrote all that earlier this week.  Then this morning I awoke to the sound of Handsome’s clock radio, to as heartbreaking a story as I’ve ever heard.  You’ve probably heard it already: In the beautiful town of Christchurch, New Zealand (yes, the town has THAT name!), some people took it on themselves to bring guns into some mosques where holy prayers were in session, and kill as many Muslims as they could.  This wasn’t out of a personal resentment; they were openly acting in this insanity called White Nationalism, trying to get rid of as many people who didn’t look like them as possible.  (And to clear their country of refugees – as though white people were the original inhabitants of those gorgeous islands, and not immigrants into Maori land themselves)

So on the same weekend people worldwide join each other in playing at “We’re All Irish,” we’re hearing yet once more the vicious scream of “You’re different, so we hate you!”

(And I promise you, it brings nothing but sadness and shame to America that one of the shooters hailed our President as a symbol of their movement)

 

Think of it this way.  On a purely biological level, every human is more like every other human than any of you is like any dog or cat or cow or bird.  And yet nearly every one of you I’ve met has loved an animal to the furthest limits of your heart.  This talk about difference, superiority, inferiority?  It’s all just… just what I’ll leave in a litter box when that cat holiday gets going.

 

Please, it’s just so simple:  Love everyone you can.  And those you can’t love, just like.  And those you can’t like, tolerate.  And if we all can do that, it’ll all be okay.

 

In fact, remember when I accidentally mentioned that singing trio earlier?  I’ll end this with a quote from I guess their most famous recording, which happened to be written by a man who as an adult changed his surname to one more… Irish!

“How many times must a man look up

Before he can see the sky

How many ears must one man have

Before he can hear people cry

How many deaths will it take till he knows

That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind

The answer is blowin’ in the wind.”

 

LOVE,

Shirelle

How to deal with having lied to someone to meet them

Chica asks: I met a guy about a year ago at a College event. I thought he was really cute. We spoke but I was too shy to get his number. Now after a year I finally got his number at Debate Competition Website. So I decided to text him regarding the competition, as I didn’t wanted to look desperate. I actually lied to him about signing up for the debate competition that he is conducting in order to hit up a conversation. But the problem is that he is now asking me details regarding the competition which I don’t have. So how should I tell him that I lied just in order to talk to him?! I am afraid that he might think of me as a stalker or psychopath because we met a year ago. But I still remember each and every moment from that day. Should I tell him that I lied, and I really think that he is cute and I would like to go out with him? Will I look like a stalker and a desperate person?

Hi Chica –

 

WOW!  What a story!  I have to admit, I’ve gotten thousands of letters, but never one like this before!

 

I have to admit, I’m stumped.  I’ve been trying to figure out an answer, but the only thing I can come up with is a story my human friend Handsome told me, about a guy he worked with long ago.  This man had his eye on another man at work, and was trying to get the guts up to pursue him (which is scary to do today but was even scarier back then).  He told his friends that he had this fantasy of inviting the man back to his hotel room to share a great bottle of rare Scotch whiskey.  Then, when the man showed up, he’d say, “I have a confession to make.  I don’t have any Scotch.”  And that the man would respond, “That’s alright.  I don’t drink Scotch!”

 

Handsome couldn’t remember if anything ever ended up happening between the guys, but he always remembered that fantasy, as it was such a funny and exciting idea.

 

So… can you Continue reading

What to do when you need more attention than your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to give

Free asks: I’m 21-year-old girl with a boyfriend who always wants space in his life. He considers his friends more important than me, but he also doesn’t want to breakup with me and gives me the hope of coming back to his life. And I just can’t stay apart from him for an hour also! I love him more than my soul; he is my world. I’m a highly sensitive empath who feels a lot, so I don’t know how to deal with this.

Hi Free –

 

 

I’m going to say something to you that’s not as judgmental as it may sound.  But it seems to me you’re addicted to your boyfriend.

 

You know addictions, the way people are addicted to cigarettes or coffee or whatever?  See, that doesn’t mean they just like them, it’s that they can’t stand not having them, their bodies react badly to being deprived of them, even when they aren’t enjoying them at all.

 

See, you say you’re an empath, and I have every reason to believe you are.  But empaths feel what other people are feeling.  And yet, when your boyfriend feels a need for space, your instant reaction is to need more of him, right?

 

So it’s great that you’re an empath, but what’s pushing you in this relationship is your addiction to him.  And it might push him away so hard he breaks things off!

 

So I want you to do two things, at the same time.  First, I want you to work on Continue reading

What to do when someone disappears after fun dating

Gigi67 asks: There’s this guy…we used to be best friends. One day he suddenly asked me out and it went quite well for 3 days and we got intimate and everything, but after that he suddenly stopped talking to me. He told he’s busy but I’m not sure if that’s the truth. What do I do? How do I make him talk to me again?

Hi Gigi67 –

 

 

Well, as often happens here, I have to say that I’m a very smart dog, but I’m not psychic.  I have no idea what’s going on in his head, or why he’s acted the way he has.  But there are a few most likely possibilities.

 

First, that he likes you a lot, and doesn’t quite know what to do with the feelings.  Nothing’s wrong, he just needs to pull away and figure himself out.  Imagine if you were suddenly given a billion dollars (or the equivalent in your country’s money).  Sure you’d be thrilled at first, and take all your friends out and splurge on things… but then, after a few days, you’d start to realize that everything in your life has changed.  People will treat you differently.  Should you still keep pursuing the career you have been, now that you won’t need the money?  Should you start a charity?  If so, who do you want to support?  It’s still incredibly fantastic and amazing that you got all that money, but you need to figure out who you are again.  That might be him today (meaning you’re like a billion dollars!).

 

Second, that something feels wrong.  He had a nice time with you, but realizes that you’re not exactly his type, or he’s not ready for a relationship, or that he doesn’t know how to manage his life and include you in it.

 

And third, that something changed.  This is the least likely, but of course it’s possible – he met someone else he wants to pursue, or someone close to him has a bad illness that he’s not allowed to talk about, or… anything is possible.

 

So in each of these cases, what should you do? Continue reading

1 23 24 25 26 27 134