Category Archives for "Teens"

0 What to do when you catch your teenager drinking

recmmc asks: I was putting something away in my 12-year-old daughter’s room, and I saw half- hidden water bottles, three of them with alcohol in them, and two shot glasses. I don’t know how to confront her regarding this and proper discipline.

Hi recmmc –

As frightening as this has to have been for you, I can assure you it’s as common as fleas on my tummy in summer.  Normally this will happen a year or two later than twelve years old, but your daughter may just be an “early bloomer.”  I’m going to guess that two things are going on here.

First of all, she is doing the natural experimentation teenagers do.  She’s trying out something that’s always been forbidden, attempting to act older than she is, and very likely doing it with a friend or friends, which makes it even more exciting and meaningful to her.

On the other hand, she has done it in a clumsy way – leaving the evidence right out there for you to find, which tells me she was absolutely planning (maybe unconsciously) for you to catch her.

My suggestion to you would be to respond to it, but in a very “cool” way.  She’s broken a rule, and there needs to be some sort of consequence, but as of now there’s no sign that she’s approaching alcoholism or anything like that.  You just want to let her know you’re in charge.

Part of being a teenager is testing boundaries, especially with parents and their rules.  The world is telling them every day to be more adult, and also stay a child.  So they need to figure out what are real boundaries and what aren’t.  It sounds to me like she’s doing just that. 

The funny part about this is that somewhere, deep-down, most teens in situations like this are actually hoping their parents set strong boundaries.  They need to feel what their real limits are so they can grow within them. 

But also there might be a cry-for-attention going on here.  I remember once, my human friend Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone pretty much all day every day for a few weeks, just coming home at night to sleep.  I amused myself by focusing on birds and squirrels, and some rats that would come over from our neighbor’s house, but I missed him and his attention horribly. 

Finally, one day he didn’t leave.  He had the day off and went about spending it at home, very happily.  And what did he do with that time?  He got the huge pile of mail that had accumulated and set to working on it, reading letters, paying bills, all that sort of stuff.  Well I was furious – I’d been patient all this time, and now that he was free he was going to look at papers?!  So I, very carefully, watching him to catch his eye, started walking around his white couch, which I wasn’t allowed onto.  And once he glanced up, I climbed right onto it, staring him in the eye the entire time!  Well of course he jumped up and yelled at me.  But he also, at that moment, realized what I was doing and why.  And so once he got me off the couch, he took me outdoors and started playing catch with me, which gave me exactly what I needed.

So again, my friend, my suggestion is to simply confront your daughter, and give her some small consequence for breaking the rules, and see if that’s enough.  And maybe, depending on your own views on this issue, you might offer to let her have a sip of wine or beer next time you have some – to let her know that, while the rules still apply, you also recognize that she is starting to grow into an adult.  (But that last part isn’t necessary unless it feels completely right to you).

Now if you do this and she does it again, or you see bigger problems, then please write me again, as that’s a very different story.  But for now, cool and clear will probably work just right.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend feels ignored and wants to break up

Prince2411 asks:

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for five years, and we’ve been through a lot in these years. Only, recently, she’s been a little different and always mentions separation as our only option for problems that are solvable. I have some academic backlog and I’m working on that, but upon looking at her friends who are successful now and getting engaged, she feels left out. She loves me but this does affect her.  She extends really small and petty issues and, as mentioned, always resorts to a break up as the last option. I love her and she loves me but I don’t know why she does this. How do I fix this? How do I save this relationship? My parents love her too. Please help.

Hi Prince2411 –

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with one major issue here – her doubt.  If she felt secure in you, and in your relationship, she’d be saying different things. 

She’d likely be bothered by, and complaining about, the same things she is now, but she’d be, like you, looking for ways to fix them, instead of saying there’s no way to do so.

Now it could be that she’s just not as interested in the relationship as you’d like her to be.  That one’s a sad situation, and one that’s best for both of you to move on from as soon (and as kindly) as possible.

But my guess is that that’s not it.  I’m struck by the things you say about your studies, and her engaged friends.  And I’m wondering if she just needs to know how important she is to you.  Not just that she’s your girlfriend, but what your intentions are, and what she means to you.

I know that my human friend Handsome loves me.  He says so every day, and shows it in many ways.  But sometimes, when he’s really involved in work or a relationship, I feel like I’m a lower priority to him, and that feels awful.  Sometimes he just comes around on his own and shows me how much I mean to him, but  other times I really need to force it out of him (my favorite method is to climb onto the forbidden couch!  He can’t just take me for granted then – he gets mad, but then he realizes why I’m doing it and starts treating me better).

So my advice is to not even respond to her statements about breaking up.  Instead, do two things.  First, think about every concern she has told you about, and come up with a good solution to each one.  She might or might not agree with what you say, but it will prove your interest. 

And second, make a great big fuss over her.  Send her flowers, write her a song, throw a surprise party for her (for no occasion!).  And maybe even talk about the future – tell her how you hope your lives will be when you’re done with school, and after that. 

And most importantly, just make a point of letting her know that she is the most important person in your world.  More important than your friends, and more important than your schoolwork and career. 

And if you can do that, my guess is that she’ll stop thinking that breaking up will solve anything at all!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you get depressed at college

Loser101 asks:  You’ll be glad to know that I’m overcoming my slight body dysmorphia and I finally think I’m pretty good looking haha, and I’ve gotten into my dream university. Life’s going pretty good but I feel lonely, all my friends are drifting away, they’re busy with their own lives, and it’s kind of hard to accept. I’m learning but it’s a slow process. I’ve been doing the exact same routine of checking my socials continuously every day for the past two months, and it’s a drag honestly. I’m aware of this toxic behaviour but I can’t let it go. I want to feel wanted by people. I broke up two months ago – the guy was toxic so it was good I guess, but I miss having someone to talk to constantly. It’s hard really, I don’t know why, but I can’t focus on myself like some of my friends tell me to when I’m telling them these things. Recently I’ve started getting into prayer and meditation – they do help but I relapse at times.

Hi Loser101 –

         I don’t know where you live, but if it’s in the northern hemisphere, I’m going to tell you that you’re right on schedule.  The January/February time is known by many colleges and universities as the highest time for Depression and Isolation there.  I’m not sure why – maybe because people have just reconnected with their families, or maybe because it’s winter and harder to go outdoors, or perhaps just because it’s that time in the transition from everyone you know there being strangers into friends into people who will matter to you the rest of your life. 

         Whatever the cause, what you’re experiencing could not be more normal.  The alienation, the questioning.  Especially, ESPECIALLY, because you broke up with that guy two months ago.  I’m sure you’ll be better off in the long run, but for right now, you’re remembering how nice it was to have a boyfriend!

         So I have two recommendations.  First is to accept that this is just a transitional time, and to make some plans over the next couple of months to get away when you can.  Do you have someone you’re friendly enough with to take a day-trip on a weekend to visit somewhere nearby?  Or maybe you have some family you could visit for a day or two?  Just get through this time – things WILL get better, and likely that’ll happen when the weather improves and everyone around you develops better moods!

         But second, spending all that time on social media, while it does help you feel less alone, just keeps you more connected with your “outside” life, and less with the people you’re near right now.  Can you spend part of that time getting together with some of these new people and doing something fun?  Seeing a movie, grabbing a meal, or just complaining about how damned depressing everything is?!

         We dogs don’t really experience what you’re living.  For me, the most depressing times I’ve ever known have been when I’ve been locked up in a pound, a kennel, or a veterinarian’s office.  And all those times I’ve been literally  kept away from everyone and everything I know.  Other dogs experience being given away by their families, and maybe that’s closer to what you’re going through – even though you’re where you are as a choice!

         What we dogs are great at is what you’re not doing right now – exploring our world, finding ways to socialize, ways to make life interesting.  I’m guessing you’ll have no trouble doing just that, around March. 

         But for now, just do your best.  Get through this time, and see if you can make some good experiences.  Before you know it, everything will likely change and your current blah world will become your favorite place.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend tells your secrets

Vitu asks:

I have a boyfriend who tells people what I tell him. He goes behind my back to discuss me with other people, and then he toys and teases me about it. Should I dump him or continue with the relationship?

Hi Vitu –

This is something we dogs never deal with.  We communicate in ways that you people often don’t understand (through sounds and smells and gestures), but we don’t keep secrets.  We don’t even know how!  So the only thing that happens behind anyone’s back is… well… sniffing!

But I know that you humans take these things very seriously.  Secrets, promises, confidentiality, are part of human intimacy.  And for many people, telling those special secret somethings to others is not too far from cheating.

Then I see other people who feel the exact opposite.  My human friend Handsome has dated a number of women who see nothing wrong in sharing every intimate detail of their relationship, including anything he’s told her in confidence, with their closer friends.  They wouldn’t blab them to others, but they feel just fine about that.  (He does not agree with them, by the way, and it often contributed to their breaking up!)

So I think this is one of those situations where you and your boyfriend have different values and needs.  Which is true in all relationships eventually.  The question – the VERY BIG question – is whether or not you two can work this out, in a way that respects you both.

Now from what you wrote me, I’m getting the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t respect your feelings about this at all.  What I don’t know is whether you’ve told him how much it means to you.  If he doesn’t know, then I can’t fault him; it’s just your job to tell him how you feel.

And once he knows, he might have some perfectly fair responses.  Like, “But I need my friends to hear what I’m dealing with; it’s something I’ve always needed in all sorts of circumstances.  I don’t do this to insult you.  Darling, I do it so that our relationship can work!”

Or he might be shocked and say, “I’m so sorry!  I had no idea I was doing anything that would bother you.  Tell me specifically what it is you want me to keep secret, and I’ll do it absolutely.”

Or he might laugh and say “Oh you’re just a prude.  Stop being so sensitive!”

And his response will tell you a lot about what to do next in this relationship.  If it’s the first, then he’s ready for a very mature exchange, and I’d say this guy is a keeper.  If it’s the second, then he’s a good guy, but I’d guess the issue might come up again in the future, as he tries to figure out how to balance his needs and yours.

And if it’s the third, he simply doesn’t respect your feelings.  And yes, I’d say to head for the dumpster!

The important thing here is to respect your own needs.  Listen to him, sure, but you deserve to have a relationship where you feel safe, loved, and honored.

Like mine with Handsome.  Well, safe and loved anyway.  It’s hard to feel honored when someone jumps onto you while you’re sleeping, covering you in kisses and calling you “Knucklehead!”

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to make your boyfriend fall in love with you again

Rockie asks: I want to find out how I can make my boyfriend fall in love with me again

Hi Rockie –

       Love is an incredibly complex and difficult power, and its workings have confused humans forever.  But as a dog, I understand that it’s also very simple.  So I’m going to give you a very simple answer, but that doesn’t mean your relationship with him isn’t also very complex, with tons of aspects I know nothing about!

       Here’s my answer: if he’s fallen out of love with you, it’s because of one of two things.  Either nothing has changed (and he’s getting a little bored or taking you for granted), or something has changed (maybe he doesn’t like a change in you, or maybe he’s changed, or maybe he’s met someone else).

       And similarly, there are two solutions.  One is, if nothing has changed, to change things up a bit.  Suggest doing some different things together, dress differently, talk about things you’ve never discussed, jump on him and lick his face till he screams (okay, that’s what I’d do but maybe it’s not right for you two!).

       And the other is, if things have changed, to talk about them with him, and see what he wants.  Maybe he wants the old you, and that’s possible, or not, for you to be again; maybe his views on things have changed and he’d be very interested in whether you’d be willing to join him on his journey; and maybe he’s interested in someone else, and there’s nothing you can do about it but to hope he changes his mind.

       What these all add up to, Rockie, is that nothing I can suggest will make anyone fall in love with anyone, but there are things you can do to make this guy feel heard, comfortable, excited… whatever it is that would stop his feelings from continuing to change. 

       Once you do that, the rest will be up to him.  And at that point, I can only wish you the best of luck. 

       (Or, the ability to realize that you two shouldn’t be together, and that that’s okay too – you can free each other to find better relationships and happier lives)

       But meanwhile, BEST OF LUCK!

       Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s mother just doesn’t like you.

Scarlett4 asks:

My boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of problems, including him making some big mistakes in the past.  But now there is a different problem – I don’t think his mom likes me that much. She is just talking with me regularly just for his child’s sake.

Hi Scarlett4 –

Yeah this problem is REALLY common – about as common as fathers not liking the boys their daughters bring home!  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – I think it usually stems from that parent having two experiences: first, having been the person in love with their kid longer than anyone else (falling rapturously mad over the baby, then the toddler, then the sweet kid, then the rebellious teen… ALL of those!); and second, having been the person who took care of that kid all the time, the one whose whole life was built around their child.

So after all that, how could anyone the young person brings home ever seem good enough?!  I can certainly tell you that my human friend Handsome has brought lots of girlfriends to me over the years, and not one of them has ever offered to spend all day guarding the house against prowlers, or chased the squirrels and cats out of the yard, or curled up and lay protecting him through hundreds of nights.  Not one!  So how could I ever say they’re good enough for him?!

Well, there actually is an answer.  And that’s for you to win her over.  For you to be such delightful company, to be the daughter she always wanted, to be her new best friend.

I see it all the time.  Sure she loves her son more than anything in the world, but you’re way more fun to go shopping with.  And besides, hanging out with you is a way of staying close with him, in a way she hasn’t been able to since he started insisting on going out with friends and not telling her everything anymore!

You two can even start to talk about MEN together!  Don’t get too insulting about her baby boy, but you two can definitely roll your eyes at each other about how they’re all obsessed with sports or unable to talk about feelings or never notice your new hairstyles or… you get the idea!

Now maybe I’m wrong, and she’s not this fun loving mom, but rather kind of mean and judgmental.  Well in that case, I’d recommend doing THE EXACT SAME THING – warm her up by being delightful.  I can’t tell you how many times it’s worked for me (often with people who simply don’t like dogs!).

At least give it a try.  And if nothing works, then maybe you can get your boyfriend, who (from your previous letters I know) needs to make up for some stuff, to pay a little bit of his debt by talking to her and getting her to cool it with you.

But first try being her new BFF.  That’s the best way, and so much more fun!

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with Depression.

rain asks:

When I stepped in 9th grade I started having thoughts about death, felt hopeless, worthless, like a failure, I was on edge… I didn’t know what I was feeling I was so confused. One day my friend told me you look like a depressed person so I went home and researched depression.  Almost everything that I was feeling was there but I didn’t want to diagnose myself, so I ignored it. I started being more absent in school, didn’t want to leave my home, but when I stayed home my dad was angry and he said very hurtful things which made me worse.  When I was a kid so many people in my life who were considered family touched me in wrong ways, and my parents fought a lot and they still do, so basically everything that went wrong in my life started becoming a weight on me. I felt like a burden to my family because I scored very low in my exams, so I started cutting myself (I have stopped now). So now three years later I have come to a point where I don’t feel anything. The words that should hurt me or anger me don’t anymore. I feel numb and empty.  I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m bursting out of myself.  Nothing feels good anymore and I have no goals anymore. I don’t feel passionate about anything. My finals are approaching and I don’t what I am gonna do. I feel like a huge disappointment to my family, and I have started thinking about ending it all by killing myself. But I’ve realized I need help and I want you to give me advice.

Hi rain –

Let me start with one simple fact.  You have Depression.

Your letter, in fact, is basically a textbook definition of Depression.  Psychologists would give it a more specific name (Major Depressive Disorder for starters), but that’s not that important for now.  What’s EXTREMELY important is three things.

First of all, it is 100% normal for teenagers to go through a depressed time.  Human brains actually need it – your whole identity is changing from being a child to being an adult, and your mind needs to kind of “go into the woods for a while” to transition.  We hear adults complain about “sullen teenagers,” but they’re only forgetting that they went through just the same phase when they were young.  It’s a necessary time, and it can be a very useful time – your growing brain and self-awareness can lead to your gaining awareness about the world, empathy for others, your own moral code.  These are great things, and a beautiful benefit from this experience.  (While there are lots of negatives about this too, such as loss of interest in schoolwork, as you’ve found).

But secondly, your Depression is NOT just a normal teenage phase.  If I’m reading you correctly, you were abused by your family, more than once and by different people.  This has led to a Depression that has gone on for years, not just weeks or months.  And you’ve even cut yourself and reached a point of contemplating suicide.  This is an Emergency – your life is literally in danger from this Depression.  And something has to be done.

The first, and most important, thing I want you to do is to find a professional to talk with about your feelings and experiences.  I don’t know where you live, or what your lifestyle is, but a therapist, a psychologist, a religious leader who has training in counseling – any of these will help.  But you need someone, more than just a caring friend, who knows about Depression, and can help you manage it, and eventually work past it.

Secondly, they may recommend some sort of medication to help with the Depression.  I’m a big supporter of such medicines, but ONLY when they’re given by a doctor, with someone who keeps their eye on you!  Anti-Depressant medicines are not one-size-fits-all, and a pill that makes one person’s life five times better could make someone else break out in rashes, not be able to sleep, or get even more depressed.

(There’s also a danger you might relate to, that sometimes people feel as low as you do now, and take a medication that boosts their optimism just a little, to where they don’t feel good yet, but suddenly believe it’s possible to overcome these bad feelings… and this sense of possibility leads them to commit suicide!  Which of course doesn’t actually make anything better.  You see, when they didn’t see any way out, they were actually safer!  So again, I’m all for medicines, but only when prescribed by a medical doctor, and with someone following you closely to make sure they don’t take you the wrong way!)

And third, at some point, maybe not now while you’re still at home, you’re going to have to do some therapeutic work about what was done to you.  This will be painful – you’ll re-experience some of the trauma you felt as a child.  But it will be necessary, both to end the Depression and to move on into a better life.

I am SO GLAD, rain, that you reached out to me.  It was brave, and I am deeply grateful for your trust.  If I can help you in any way to find the help you need, I’ll be glad to.  But you’ve already done the first step, just by writing this letter.

I also love the name you picked for yourself.  Because you’ve just had three years of rain.  With big dark clouds, no sunshine, no blue skies, no singing birds.

But you know what’s coming?  Once you’re able to take charge of your life and beat this Depression down? 

Oh, your life will be such clear skies, with such beautiful bright morning sun, and all the birds and butterflies in the air, and the little animals running around grabbing food (and yes, us dogs chasing them with such joy!).

And bright green grasses and new leaves on the trees, and flowers – explosive flowers blasting out colors you can’t even imagine – all because of these three years of rain.

It’s not just going to be okay, rain.  It’s going to be glorious. 

Not yet, I know.  But soon.  Once you can move past this awful, awful time.

Let me know how I can help,

Shirelle

2 Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Among the differences between us dogs and you humans, at least once you reach a certain age, is the way you guys are so squeamish!  Things that seem normal to us, or really terrific, nauseate you.  You never sniff each other’s butts hello, you never roll around on dead animals you find, and you insist on cleaning yourselves with soap and water, instead of using your tongues the way we do!

So you might say we pups live in the world of the gross.  The smells we seek out when you take us for walks are just the ones you go to great lengths to avoid.  And we’re fascinated by watching you work so hard to get rid of them.  Imagine how curious you’d find it if someone took good care of their garden but removed all the prettiest flowers and threw them into the trash.  Well that’s what it’s like for us when you cover up all the most interesting smells and treats!

Now in the past few weeks, I’ve been watching you guys struggle with a completely changed world, a new reality.  Where all the rules are unlike anything that was true two months ago:  DON’T go to school, DON’T shake hands when you meet someone, DON’T go visit your grandparents, just STAY on that couch and watch your iPad and phone!  HUH?!

Lots of you are extremely confused, especially about how best to stay safe: Wash your hands, social distance, wear a mask even though they won’t keep you safe, sanitize, moisturize…  of course you’re all going cuckoo! 

But I have a way, through my gross little brain, to help you out.  It’s all about us dogs (isn’t it always!).  Here goes:

First, if you’ve ever had a dog you take on walks, I hope you’re considerate enough of your neighbors to also bring along a bag or two, to clean up when we poop.  (Yes, I said POOP!  I told you, I’m pushing your nausea envelope today!)  So when we plop out something you guys find stinky and distasteful, you reach down and put it in the bag.  Right?

And you do it perfectly, right?  Only the bag touches our nasty turds, right?  No bit of your finger could possibly accidentally brush against it?  And nothing sticking to the bag could get  onto your hand when you tie the top into a knot, right?  You’re ABSOLUTELY SURE? 

Well, just to test your sureness, how about if a friend of yours offers you a handful of chocolate-covered peanuts.  But you need to hold them in your hand, before you put them in your mouth.

Do you?  I’ll bet you don’t!

In fact, I’ll bet you go, “That’s so nice of you.  Let me wash my hands to make sure there isn’t any dog-doo on them, and then I’ll gladly take those yummy treats and devour them!”  Or maybe it’s “Could you just put them into my mouth?  I’m worried about what’s on my hands.”  Or you even think, “Well I know nothing touched my left hand, so I can eat from that… I think!”

But as long as you don’t put your hands in your mouth, or touch your nose or eyes, or touch anyone else, you probably don’t worry about what might be on you, right?  You might even be on an hour-or-two-long hike with your pooch, and very happy to wait to wash up afterwards.  But you don’t put your poopy hands on your face!  And that’s all that matters!

Now imagine you walk into your home after that walk, and there’s a knock on the door, and without thinking you turn the knob and open it.  You chat with the person there, shut the door, and think, “… hmm… I shouldn’t have touched the knob, there might be some of that doggie’s poo on there.”  So you wash your hands and  the knob, right?  But what if you forgot to at the time, and it’s the next day, and you realize, “Wow I should have washed that doorknob yesterday, when I might have gotten something onto it.”  Do you feel you need to wash it now?  Probably not.  It’s been so long, anything nasty would have dried out or evaporated.

And this is exactly what the experts are saying to do about the coronavirus!  Keep your hands away from your face, wash or sanitize often, and be aware that it can last on other surfaces but just for a time.

In other words, when it comes to your hands, there’s really no mystery about Coronavirus – just TREAT IT LIKE DOG POOP!  Yes it’s potentially much more dangerous if you get it into your system, but the way to treat it is JUST THE SAME.

Okay, now, time for number two!  (Yes, that’s a little joke there for those who get it.  Clever pup, aren’t I!)   And this one’s about Breathing!

Now I think my breath smells just great, but I’m not a new puppy anymore and my mouth has had lots of things in it over the years, and so I have… well… dog breath.  And even it’s not as pungent as some other dogs I’ve known, like those with rotting teeth!  So what would you do if your breath smelled as bad as ours?  How would you keep your friends?!

Well, one thing you could do is to stay a little distance away from everyone.  After all, bad breath is just airborne molecules, that dissipate as it gets further from the nasty mouth.  Some say six feet (or two meters) and some say farther is better.  But either way, just stay far enough away that others can’t smell you.  But to be even safer, why not put a covering over your mouth, to keep all that stink inside, away from others?

Well that, my dear friends, is social distancing, and face masks!  One of the worst things about Covid-19 is that a person can be infected with it but not feel it for a few days.  So when it comes to dealing with others, act as if you know you have it!  And since it, like bad breath, is borne in droplets in air, the way to do that is to stay six feet or more away from others, and wear a mask to keep the nasty stuff in.  (Yes, there are fancier, more technological masks, that actually do help keep the person wearing them safe.  But you don’t need that if you’re following the other rules; leave those for the brave selfless health workers who are getting right up next to people with the disease for hours and days and weeks on end.  They need them; you don’t.)

Now there are those other rules to follow, of course.  Stay home if you can, wash instantly if anyone coughs or sneezes on you, keep healthy, take vitamins and zinc and… oh you don’t need me telling you these things!

But if you can remember the rules of Poop and Bad Breath, you ought to be safe.  Safe enough to get through this awful period, and move on to the sort of world we had and want to have again, a world where all your other problems, like about crushes and dating and anger and betrayal and embarrassment… those GREAT problems, become all we talk about again!

0 What to do when your friend thinks you’re cheating with his girlfriend?

Milan asks:

My childhood friend has a girlfriend. She and I started talking, only to solve the disputes or quarrels between him and her, but as this kept going we kept talking to each other and we got addicted to each other, till we got talking to each other almost every day, though neither of us wants a relationship with each other. But when my friend got to know that we talk this much, he told his girlfriend to not to talk to me. We kept talking, though, even though my friend told me to not to talk to her.  So now he thinks that me and his girlfriend are cheating on him and he don’t trust me. What should I do?

Hi Milan –

         I think the problem here is pretty simple, even for a doggy brain, but how to deal with it is much tougher.

         The fact is, your friend asked both you and his girlfriend to not talk to each other, and you went ahead and did it.  Your friend lost trust in the two of you, and is even imagining that you two have done more than just talk behind his back.  I have to admit, that makes sense to me.  You went against his wishes, and he’s hurt and angry, and imagining things.

         But there are two ways to look at this, and what you do next depends on which of them you pick. 

         First, if we say he had the right to ask this of you two, then you and she are at fault, and you need to beg his forgiveness, and start obeying his wishes, and not talk with her, at least unless you’re with him.

         But second, you might say that he had no right to ask you two to not speak, especially as you were working to help their relationship get better.  And if that’s the case, then he’s the one at fault, and you and she need to let him know this, so he can improve.

         But is it possible to do both?  Could you and she both tell him that you kept talking because you felt his request was absurd, and figured he’d get better at dealing with it.  But that now you realize you were wrong to do so behind his back, and you both feel just awful about hurting his feelings this way, and so will agree to not talk with each other for a while, till he can start to trust you two again.

         Do you see the difference here?  You’re agreeing to do what he wanted, because it means so much to him, but you’re still saying that you think his concerns and request were mistaken, and are hoping he works past all that soon.  That’s very different from saying either that he was purely wrong, or that you were.

         It’s like when my human friend Handsome leaves food on a short table that’s below my head-level.  Was I wrong to eat it when he wasn’t looking?  Sure.  But was he dumb to leave it there?  Absolutely.  And when this happens, he doesn’t get very angry with me; he knows it was really his fault.

         Here’s hoping your friend has as clear a realization.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What does it mean when someone says they “just want to be friends?”

PERFECTION asks:

Shirelle can you please elaborate this for me? Why do girls say they can’t be with you, because to them you’re only just a friend?  I’ve been struggling to understand that sentence, does it mean I wasn’t enough? Perhaps I was too much of a loser to be with her?  Ugly? 

Hi PERFECTION –

This one is always tough.  I do know cases where women (or men – both use this line a lot) say it and mean exactly what it says: they value their friendship with you and are scared that dating might ruin it.

But then it also can mean that they just aren’t interested in you romantically, or that they’re not interested in you at all (Handsome’s had a number of “I want to be just friends” cases who then wouldn’t return his phone calls!  Some friends!).

What’s unquestionably true is that they’re trying to say “no” in the nicest way possible.  And so I’m a big fan of playing along, whatever they mean.  Because if you get angry or hurt with them, it’ll just make them wary of getting together with you in the future, and maybe lead to them warning other girls to avoid you because you get so emotional!

Best to agree to be their friend, and then find out over time what they really meant.  Because in the short term, there’s no way to know.

But for now, may I direct you to a great old song about just this?  There are lots of different versions, some bright and cheerful and some deeply sad.  But it’s pretty brilliant either way…

I took each word she said as gospel truth
The way a silly little child would.
I can’t excuse it on the grounds of youth,
I was no babe in the wild, wild wood.
She didn’t mean it,
I should have seen it,
But now it’s too late.

I thought I’d found the girl of my dreams,
Now it seems,
This is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

I thought for once it couldn’t go wrong,
Not for long,
I can see the way this ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

Why should I care though she gave me the air,
Why should I cry,
Heave a sigh,
And wonder why,
And wonder why?

I thought I found the gal I could trust,
Whatta bust, this is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,

“Can’t we be just friends?”

Never again, through with love
Through with them
They play their game without shame
And who’s to blame?

Yes, I thought I knew the wheat from the chaff
What a laugh, this is how our story ends
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

I acted like a kid out of school
What a fool, now I see this is the end
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

Yes, I should have seen the signal to stop
What a flop, this is how the story ends
She’s gonna turn me down and say
“Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be
Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be friends?

Your friend (and I MEAN IT!)

Shirelle