Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 Is it better to take risks or not?

Wolfy asks: My friend wants to find me a boyfriend. Honestly I didn’t think she could, but she thinks she has found the perfect guy for me. So I made her a deal: if she can get this guy to ask me out, I will go out with him. BIGGEST RISK OF MY LIFE (so far of course). I feel like those 30 long seconds of making the deal totally changed my life. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something bad or something good will happen to you because of something you did or will do? That’s how I feel. I was sitting right next to her when she tried to tell him that “someone” might like him. He now knows is that this person is in our reading class, so all the girls in the class are “suspects.” He also knows her general looks – all hints to me! He will know it is me by the end of next week. There is one choice I am trying to make – should I let it happen or tell him it is me and no matter what say no to going on a date? Fate, life, the future – the three most unknown, bad, fantastic things all at once. Funny uh!

Hi Wolfy –

I absolutely love this! It sounds exciting and risky (in the best sense), and that you’re pushing yourself forward into an area that is far from comfortable for you.

You asked, “Have you ever gotten the feeling that something bad or something good will happen to you because of something you did or will do?” Oh Wolfy, to me that’s called being Alive!

Look at it this way. Handsome is eating a piece of pizza. Now I could just decide I’m not going to get any, and go outside and sniff around to see what’s happened today. Or I could walk up to him and give him the big round eyes and whine and let him know how much I’d like him to share that yummy treat with me. Now if he gets annoyed and says “no,” and tells me to stop begging, I’m going to feel bad – worse than I would by just going outside. But if he says “sure, here,” I’m going to feel loved and cared for… and happy with how good that pizza tastes! So should I take the risk, or just go outside?

Wolfy, my answer is almost always to Continue reading

0 How to deal with being judged

Jewels asks: It must be hard to be a young man these days. There’s so much expected of a man…he’s supposed to be smart, capable, competent, tough, able to fix anything, successful, wealthy. But also sensitive, open, flexible, funny, warm, thoroughly honest, great at romance, overtly complimentary, patient. Perhaps it’s the exposure we have all had to zillions of characters we’ve all seen portrayed on camera, or perhaps it’s our conditioning through our fast food, order-it-up society, but so many a single woman today has the expectation that her man will indeed have all of these qualities, and anything less would be settling. So, my question is, how should a man deal with these expectations?

Hi Jewels –

You are RIGHT! It’s very tough to be a young man right now. But you know who else has a hard run these days? Children are supposed to do so much more homework than their parents did, and stay connected with what’s going on in social media, and get perfect grades in elementary school to get them into the right universities. Teenagers are tested and graded constantly, and looked down on any time they’re ever not good at any particular thing.

And young women today? Oh my floppy-eared head just swims! They’re expected to be perfect ladies, and tough as nails, and have great boundaries, and be open for everything, and submissive and aggressive, and have perfect skin and teeth and abs and hair and overall shape (whatever that is). It’s just impossible for everyone!

You know, the whole thing with expectations has been goofy for centuries, but it used to be us pooches who had all the trouble. “Hmmm… this Dachshund has good legs but its tail isn’t the right length…” “I’m not sure I like the way this Poodle’s ribcage hangs…” It’s been a load of nonsense on us, but it’s even crazier that you humans are now doing it to YOURSELVES!

You see, it’s like another letter I got today, about perfectionism in grades. This mindset just gets in people’s ways! If you use a checklist when you look at a person, you’ll never see their true qualities, and you’ll certainly never be able to truly love them, or be loved by them.

I’m not saying everyone shouldn’t be looking for what really matters to them. Of course they should. If a woman wants a man who can fix anything in the house, there are lots of guys out there for her. But if she also insists he’s a billionaire, the odds get a lot worse (billionaires tend to hire people to do their home repair for them, so they never learn the skills). If she wants a guy who’s super-nice and caring, I think that’s smart. But if she also wants a bad boy who’s dangerous and excitingly cruel, these qualities just don’t match!

In fact, Jewels, your question makes me realize… it’s worse than I was thinking! You see, no one looks at a German Shepherd expecting it to be small enough to sit on their lap all day, or buys a Corgi to pull a sled through tundra. So you people are actually worse to each other than you’ve been to dogs! This is CRAZY!

So here’s my solution. When anyone starts to complain about the qualities you lack, ask yourself two Continue reading

0 Should a girl do what her boyfriend wants because he treats her well?

Bethan asks: I am 17 years old. My past relationships have not been the best, but my current relationship is different. I met this guy online; when I met him he was different (he had different pictures on his profile, even a different name) but I still gave him a chance. When we started dating, it was great. He would buy me gifts, treat me well, tell me he loved me, etc. Then things changed, and it became different. He still told me he loved me, etc., but he would make me do things that didn’t seem right, and I didn’t want to do them, but I feel guilty as he is lovely. He buys me gifts, etc., but it doesn’t feel right.

Hi Bethan –

Of course, I don’t know the guy you’re talking about. I don’t know anything about him, except what you’ve told me here. And he might be as great, as lovely, as you describe.

But I have a problem with him.

Now it’s totally normal for a person to try to woo another with gifts and favors. There’s nothing wrong with that – hey Handsome used a lot of treats when he was training me!

But the best thing a man can do for a woman is to keep her safe, and keep her feeling safe, all the time. Especially when they’re together. And this guy is doing the opposite.

It’s interesting that the two most popular book series in the last few years have been romances dealing with women falling in love with very dangerous men. You probably know about them – in one case she falls in love with a vampire, and in the other, it’s with a man who likes romance that includes causing each other physical pain. But both these men care a lot about the woman in their story. And both make very sure that she doesn’t do anything (like turn into a vampire or engage in painful romance) unless and until she truly wants to.

Both those guys – the blood-drinker and the spanker – treat their woman with more respect than this guy is treating you.

It’s also very normal for guys to want to do more things than their girlfriends do. What matters is that, the next day, the girlfriend still feels safe, and good about herself, after whatever they’ve done. And you don’t.

You don’t like the things you’ve done, and you don’t feel trust that he won’t push you to do things you don’t like again.

So Bethan, my advice is for you to Continue reading

0 How to take it when someone calls you ugly

alliekat asks: Everybody tells me that I am very pretty. And I was on Instagram and I posted something and a guy said that I was very ugly. I didn’t know how to handle it. How should I handle it?

Hi alliekat –

Isn’t it just amazing?  If a person is told a thousand times that they’re smart, and one person just once says that they’re dumb, they’ll instantly forget the thousand comments and remember the one.  Similarly, you’ve always been told you’re pretty, but one guy said you’re not, and it’s thrown you all off.  Brains are weird, aren’t they?!

Well, alliekat, I have a couple of reactions to this.  The first is that the guy might have been saying his true feelings, but if so – so what!  My friend Handsome is a great lover of beautiful women, and absolutely adores the loveliness of all sorts of them.  But he has never, for the life of him, understood what people get so excited about with the famous woman Continue reading

0 How to encourage teenage girls to stay abstinent

prettyndsweet12 asks: Recently I had an encounter with a boy over text message saying he wanted to do certain things with me (not “going all the way,” but…). I knew the boy and I liked him, but he wasn’t willing to make me his girlfriend and that was NOT ok with me. I told him no but he threatened to put the text message online so everyone could see it. I have to admit I was scared at first, but then I thought about it, and I was proud for sticking up for myself and respecting my body. The experience taught me that my virginity is like a gift…kind of like a one million dollar necklace. And you wouldn’t just give that gift off to anyone would you? Of course not, you would save it and give it to someone you love and someone who deserves it. That’s why I’m practicing abstinence and I’m committing to no sex until marriage. I feel that if I was able to motivate myself to do that, then I can help motivate other teen girls to do the same. So I was thinking about starting a campaign against underage sex, and teen pregnancy – and also inform them about what to do if they have the same encounter that I had. Do you have any suggestions on where and how I can start my campaign, and any tips?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’ve been with me long enough to know that I am a huge supporter of people, especially girls, owning their own boundaries.  I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, especially in the face of that boy’s nasty, cowardly threat to you.  The important thing to me isn’t as much what you said no to, as the fact that you gave yourself the right to say no to what bothered you, whatever it was.  Congratulations.  I bow my head to you!

When it comes to your question about the campaign, though, I have a few questions.  What the boy wanted from you would have kept you (officially) a virgin, and wouldn’t have caused pregnancy.  So while your story is a good one for teaching girls to take pride in their rights, it’s not exactly about that issue.

Now if this experience has led you to want to campaign for total abstinence from all sexual activity (including feeling around, etc.), that’s another thing.  I’m just a little unclear about what you’re suggesting.

I will say one other thing about it, just based on the experience we’ve had in my country (the United States) over the past few decades.  Because of sexual rules in society getting more and more lax, there have been lots of attempts at Abstinence Education, teaching children and teens that abstinence is the only way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  The bad news is that the Continue reading

0 Should someone try to be funny at school, they way they do at home?

cutepuppy asks: At school I’m shy, but at home I’m not; I’m funny at home. In school I don’t want to be shy, I want to be really funny, but how? And if I act funny, they might not think its funny!

Hi cutepuppy –

“Funny” is such a difficult thing to define!  Some people find Shakespeare’s comedies hilarious.  Others find “Austin Powers” movies uproarious.  Some people memorize every word ever spoken on “Seinfeld,” while others find it dull, but laugh till tears roll at “Modern Family.”  Was Jerry Lewis funny?  People can get violent over that one!  What do you think of Roberto Benigni, Jim Carrey, Zach Galifanakis, Melissa McCarthy?  Is a person slipping on a banana peel funny?  What about a man in a dress?  What about a pie fight?

There’s no single right answer.  The truth is all of those people and things have been very very funny to a great many people.  Handsome tells me the funniest thing he ever saw was a dog he had before he knew me, holding a very wide bone, trying to run through a thin doggy-door.  Would I have found that funny?  I truly have no idea.  But he still laughs about it, many years later.

Now because of this, you’re absolutely correct that there’s no way you could know that the kids at school would find you funny, in the same way your family does at home.  But I’m guessing that the bigger problem is that you don’t feel the Continue reading

1 How to handle a strong desire to kill

Emee asks: I have a problem and I don’t know how to deal with it. This is REALLY personal. I have this inexplicable urge to kill living things. I’ve never killed a human, but I want to. I have had this problem for years. When I was 8 I sliced up my old Barbie Dolls. When I was 10 I would catch large bugs to dissect them. Now I’m 11 and I try to catch squirrels and birds. This is a problem that has become so bad I’ve researched it. I know that I have the potential for a future serial killer. That’s not who I want to be ever. I don’t feel other people’s pain and I hardly feel my own. This will be a problem someday. I need real help. Something not comparing to cats and dogs. If you can help that would be nice.

Hi Emee –

Emee, I know there are lots of websites that give advice, and I’m really glad you picked mine for this.  Because I – and all dogs – are exactly like you!  I get it.  I get your excitement, and I get your fear.  And I truly think I can help.

If you’ve ever watched puppies, you probably have noticed that we spend most of our waking hours playing.  And our playing pretty much means two things – play-fighting and play-killing.  With our friends, we tumble and scrap and bite.  And with toys (whether “official” toys like we are given by humans, or pretty much anything we find, like sticks or shoes) we rip them up, tear them, demolish them.  Just like you with the Barbie dolls.  It’s true that we puppies aren’t as aware of the meaning of these acts as you were (hey – that 8-year-old human brain of yours was probably bigger than all of me was at that stage!), but we were doing the same thing.

Emee, it’s instinctual.  We all have base instincts in us that come from our distant ancestors (for us pups that means wolves!), and a major part of all our development involves instinctively building these skills.  So a six-month-old puppy has already learned to fight and to hunt, as well as to love.  Probably the three most important skills a dog needs to live.  Similarly, while you humans develop more slowly and with far more insight and intelligence, your instincts taught you to be interested in fighting and killing at an early age too.

Now, I am about as sweet and kind a being as has ever existed… if you are a human or a dog, and I believe you’re going to be kind to me.  But I’m a terrific fighter if I’m feeling threatened.  And I am a VERY good hunter, of other kinds of animals.  Emee I have killed squirrels, rats, birds, and more.  None of these animals threatened me (I’ve killed an uncountable number of fleas too, but they definitely deserved it!).  I hunt because every bit of my instinct tells me to do so.  The only reason I wouldn’t hunt a small animal is if Handsome, my human friend, tells me not to.  And he has to really yell sometimes to make sure I hear him!  Those instincts are LOUD!

So why am I saying all this about myself, Emee?  It’s because, if you met me, you wouldn’t be in the least afraid that I’d hunt you or kill you.  Nor does any dog.  I don’t think that way, because dogs and people are what I see as beings I play with, or fight with, or run away from, or cuddle up to.  Not as something I want to kill.

Now if you’d written me and said that you had all these desires to kill small animals, and you were now feeling like killing cats or dogs, and thought that in the future you might want to kill people, and you wondered why anyone had a problem with that… THEN I’d worry!  It would tell me that you were actually something called a Continue reading

0 What to do when a friend starts bullying you

fQ7jlvzgzVoc asks: I’m worried about one of my classmates, I’m not gonna say her real name so I’ll just write Amy. Amy and I were really good friends back in primary school. But one way or another, we drifted apart when we entered middle school. I started to hang out with the Artsy types and she hung out with the math whiz team (since she’s really good in math). Of course, we still hung out sometimes but not as much as we use too. So here’s the problem, when we started high school, Amy began to hang out with the bad kids. And I mean ‘bad’ bad. They bully other kids, they always say curse words and they always cut class. I was really worried that they will change sweet, innocent Amy and I was right! Amy started to act like a gangster when summer ended last year. I tried talking to her, but she just swore and told me to leave her alone. Now, I’m a victim of being bullied by her too. Please give me some advice so I can get the kind and gentle old Amy back before it’s too late.

Hi fQ7jlvzgzVoc –

Before I start to answer your question, I have one for you – do you know what the name Amy actually means? Funny you picked it – it means Friend!

I think you’re living one of the biggest fears any of us ever has, that the person we love and trust most turns against us. This starts when we’re very young, when we do something unwittingly bothersome to an adult we love and trust, who suddenly turns furious on us. “Look Mommy, I drew a picture for you on the living room wall!” “Hi Daddy, isn’t it funny that I pooped in your car?!” Or, on my side, “Hey, I know what you want right now – you want me to wake you up by biting you in the leg as hard as I can!”   And suddenly, the person we’re expecting to be happy with us is suddenly yelling and raging and scaring the daylights out of us.

What you’re experiencing is less sudden, but maybe even more painful. This was your great friend, and now she’s acting like an enemy.

I really have two thoughts on this. One is that she’s Continue reading

0 How to deal with a parent who can’t compliment you

lover454 asks: How would you interpret what my mom (age 88) said to me (age 59), given the fact she always has to be snide with me. Keep in mind this is the same mother who twice (a year ago and a few years ago) said to me that I was overdressed for an interview. Today I drove her to do some chores and I said to her “Are you really putting down my clothes” and in a sarcastic way she said, “Yes I am”. Anyway I dropped it, and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do, so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes, and she replied, “I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing, because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset.” So I teased her about that answer At the next chore, after she finished, she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more, “There are some days one looks better than others,” which got me upset and I asked her to clarify, and she said, “The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on.” We said a few other things which made her say, “I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking. She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things. How would you interpret her “look great” remark?

Hi lover454 –

I’m going to make a guess. Now you can be sure, we dogs don’t make correct guesses often, so I know there’s a good chance I’m wrong, but I’m going to risk it anyway:

I’m going to guess that your mother has never been very complimentary toward you. I’m going to guess that when you were young, she criticized how you dressed for school, or how you did on your grades, or how you did in sports – and later, how you looked when you went on a date (and who the person was you were going out with), and who you chose for your friends, and what sort of work you did… I’ll bet she’s always been really tough on you.

The reason I’m guessing that is that most people reach a point in life where they don’t care what certain people think. But one thing that will keep that person’s opinion mattering to you (especially if it’s a parent) is if you’re still Continue reading

0 How to get someone who likes you to say it

Mandhie asks: I have liked my crush for six years now. Though we are in different schools now, we still stay in contact with each other. Here is my problem: First of all, I think my crush likes me too, but I am not so sure. There are certain characteristics he likes in me. When we are together, we both feel shy and don’t look into each other’s faces to talk. Secondly, we both sound so confident on the phone but become shy (as I said earlier) when we see each other. Thirdly, his friend has told me he likes me and our families know each other and keep on saying we will become married in the future. And he smiles when they say that. I have become so close to one of his friends and he teases me with him sooooooo much! Recently, my crush came home for midterms and the way he is acting towards me is different. I feel he is beginning to like me more. We chatted and I told him I was making food, and did he want some? He said it would be his pleasure to taste it because he was so hungry, but it was just for fun. Later, I think he was bored in the house and called me. I was so happy! We didn’t have much to talk about, but we talked for a while. I then called him later because I was bored and we chatted beyond an hour. He sounded so comfortable with me. We played a game in which we asked each other 20 questions we want to know about each other and it was so fun. Shirelle, now I love the way we are becoming closer, how his friends tease us both, how his mum calls me “in-law” (that’s cute), and many more things, but the MAIN problem is: in my OPINION, I think he is into me now, but how come he has not yet told me he likes me? I don’t want to tell him I like him because I read on the Internet that ‘if a girl tells a boy she likes him, the guy immediately stops liking her,’ and I don’t want him to stop liking me. How can I make him tell me he likes me? I have liked him for six years now! And you know the saddest thing on earth is when you like someone and that person has no idea!

Hi Mandhie –

Okay, let’s start by making one thing clear. There is NO question this boy likes you. Exactly what he’s thinking, or what he wants… that’s always up to debate. But this guy likes you.

And he’s shy about it.

So you’re stuck with two possible actions. One, you could just wait around for him to do or say something (which is what that person on the Internet is suggesting), or you could take action.

You can probably guess, as someone who gets in lots of trouble for jumping on people and licking them whether they want it or not, I am all for action.

But the question is, what action? You could tell him you like him. You could ask him out on a date. You could do like me and just jump on him. And any of those could work, or could put him off.

But I think there’s a softer version, that’s pretty guaranteed to work. Do you have Continue reading