Bethan asks: I am 17 years old. My past relationships have not been the best, but my current relationship is different. I met this guy online; when I met him he was different (he had different pictures on his profile, even a different name) but I still gave him a chance. When we started dating, it was great. He would buy me gifts, treat me well, tell me he loved me, etc. Then things changed, and it became different. He still told me he loved me, etc., but he would make me do things that didn’t seem right, and I didn’t want to do them, but I feel guilty as he is lovely. He buys me gifts, etc., but it doesn’t feel right.
Hi Bethan –
Of course, I don’t know the guy you’re talking about. I don’t know anything about him, except what you’ve told me here. And he might be as great, as lovely, as you describe.
But I have a problem with him.
Now it’s totally normal for a person to try to woo another with gifts and favors. There’s nothing wrong with that – hey Handsome used a lot of treats when he was training me!
But the best thing a man can do for a woman is to keep her safe, and keep her feeling safe, all the time. Especially when they’re together. And this guy is doing the opposite.
It’s interesting that the two most popular book series in the last few years have been romances dealing with women falling in love with very dangerous men. You probably know about them – in one case she falls in love with a vampire, and in the other, it’s with a man who likes romance that includes causing each other physical pain. But both these men care a lot about the woman in their story. And both make very sure that she doesn’t do anything (like turn into a vampire or engage in painful romance) unless and until she truly wants to.
Both those guys – the blood-drinker and the spanker – treat their woman with more respect than this guy is treating you.
It’s also very normal for guys to want to do more things than their girlfriends do. What matters is that, the next day, the girlfriend still feels safe, and good about herself, after whatever they’ve done. And you don’t.
You don’t like the things you’ve done, and you don’t feel trust that he won’t push you to do things you don’t like again.
So Bethan, my advice is for you to stand up for yourself. To say to him that you do care a lot for him, but that you’re not going to do things you don’t feel good about anymore. (Note, this doesn’t mean that at some point in the future, you might not WANT to do just the things you feel bad about now, and feel GREAT about them! It’s just that as long as you still feel they’re not right, you never get pushed into doing them)
Now he might agree, and say that’s totally fine, that he really loves and accepts you, and stops pushing so hard.
But it also might mean that he gets snippy and bitter, and says that he spent all that money on you, so you owe him whatever he wants.
If it’s the latter, my suggestion is that you leave. He’s showing that he has no respect for your feelings, and is perfectly content to treat you like a woman of the street. (Worse, actually, since a woman who sells affection for money is at least implying she wants to do that, while this guy’s demanding it with no concern over what you want)
Now he might, then, change his tune. With you owning your boundaries, he might find that he’s really in love with you, and agree to treat you better. And if that’s the case, you get to decide whether you want to give it another try or not.
But otherwise, I think you’re better off without him. Not because of any of the things he’s done, or that you’ve done with him. But because of the disrespect he might show you in the future, which could get a lot worse than what you’ve seen so far.
Be strong. You’re worth it.