Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 Is it good to start a long-distance relationship?

Wolfy asks: Ever heard the phrase, “If you love something set it free; if it comes back it’s yours; if not it never was”? There is a guy who was in my fifth grade class, who now is in my middle school. We never really got to know each other in 5th grade and I did not “like” him. Now in middle school it is the same story… or at least it was at the beginning. Every week he has a new girlfriend; he is now your classic modern teenage boy with the cute hair and every thing. I found though that he is very smart and is very much like me and my other friends. I found that he is acting – covering up who he really is. I am a weird person and so is he – I can just tell. Back to the phrase, would that phrase count in this problem? He will be going to a different high school than me. I figure that if me and my friends an hour away from me can stay in touch, that maybe me and him can. It would be even better than the situation with my friends because it would be easier to go out on dates. The thing I am most afraid of is Life. Life has messed up every situation with someone I love. My dad, and my friends. There is little left but it is growing back. I like this boy but I am not so sure about it. “It” as in actually dating. “It” as in hurting again. My dad and my friends leaving me within the same month was hard and it has not been even a year. What do you think?

Hi Wolfy –

To my mind, you’re really asking two questions, or at least you’re bringing up two things.  One is about whether this boy going to high school far away will bring you closer.  The other is about your fear of what Life does.

That famous line about letting something go probably was originally written about a dog – don’t you think?  We’re so loyal to those we love, but we’re always pulling to get away and sniff the world out.  So it’s a great test with a dog to let it go and see if or when it comes back.  And if it doesn’t, yeah, it probably wants to be with someone else.  (Of course, in a city, there are a lot of very good reasons not to try this experiment – cars, police, dog-nappers… keep that pup HOME!)

But it also does apply to people, especially with romance.  If you’re dating someone and they say they need space, it’s very normal to suddenly cling all the tighter to them.  Which is likely to make them feel suffocated.  Whereas if you say “okay, go ahead,” you might well find that they come back to you, happy and refreshed.

But this boy, at least if I’m understanding your letter right, doesn’t currently have a relationship with you, right?  So what you’re asking is whether or not to become Continue reading

0 How to get past a trauma

Cashy asks: I am socializing now, but only with people I am familiar with. But I always feel awkward around boys I don’t interact with much (friends of friends mainly). I see them on a daily basis but I am still not comfortable with them. I am very quiet when I am around them. And I don’t like staying around boys when I am the only girl there, even if my guy best friend is there – I usually leave when my girl best friend leaves without even a goodbye. And I don’t actually know why. I have two theories as to why I am so awkward around them. One could be because I spent most of my childhood with no boys, only my sisters, or it could be because I was molested several times by different people when I was younger. Do you think my social awkwardness around unknown people is because I was molested? I mostly feel awkward around boys but I also feel awkward around normal people (waiters, cashiers, etc.). How can I cure myself of this? For example, I had several flashbacks of my molestations today, so I was super quiet. Should I share this with my friends? I shared this with one friend already who had been molested once too, and it felt better to know that I am not alone. So I want to tell another best friend, who I highly doubt has been molested. How do I move on with my life with knowing what happened to me? I know you would like me to see a therapist, but I would like to recover first without one. But if I am not able to move on, I will see a counselor if necessary.

Hi Cashy –

We dogs aren’t known for subtlety or “beating around the bush.”  So I’ll jump in on this one the same way I would on a squirrel or a pizza:  Yes, I think your social awkwardness is absolutely related to having been molested!  And yes, I want you to seek out better help than this loving, caring pup can give.

Here’s the deal.  Of course I don’t know the details of what was done to you, but children live in a world where they feel vulnerable and attacked all the time – a mean kid, an angry parent, a mean teacher, or (I hate to admit it but) a nasty dog all are really frightening to kids.  And yet, somehow they survive all that, and learn from it, and are able to grow into healthy adults.  But sometimes, an adult does things to a child that go beyond what’s normally Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend accuses you of lying

samantha asks: My boyfriend thinks I lied to him. I didn’t, but he won’t believe me and won’t answer my texts. Here is the situation: I got worried that he may have been cheating on me so I added one of his friends on snapchat that I saw he snapchats a lot, just wanted to see who the person was. On Monday, she posted a 45 second story of her in the car listening to music, but it never showed her face, so I went on with my day. Later in the day, my boyfriend texted me that his best friend said I screenshot her story on snapchat, so I replied saying I didn’t but that I watched the story. He then replied, “So you’re gonna lie when you just blocked her on snapchat? Why are you lying?” (with some more colorful words as well). I replied, “I haven’t blocked anyone or erased anyone or anything. I’m so confused about what you’re talking about.” He responded, “She called me all weekend asking who you were, and I know you blocked her.” And I responded, “I didn’t block her,” and he said “She doesn’t even know you,” so I then told him I had added her on snapchat to see who she was and that was it, and he accused me of lying again. I’ve since then tried to see him so we can talk in person, but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts.

Hi samantha –

You probably know, I’m usually a very positive-minded pup, eager to encourage people to try to make relationships work.  But in this particular case, I’m afraid I’m coming from a somewhat less excited place.

Let me explain.  Lots of couples treat each other well most of the time, but get into misunderstandings or arguments, which can often result in problems, and I’m so happy to step in and try to help them work things out, and get back to the loving place where everyone is happier.

But I’m not seeing that here!

I’m seeing a guy who’s very Continue reading

0 How to hang out with friends when you can’t drive

prettyndsweet12 asks: I’m finally 15 ! It seems like just yesterday I was 12 years old, struggling with my medical condition asking you for help. Now my life has changed a lot. I’m tired of people asking me to hang out and having to turn them down because I have no ride, or I’m scared to ask my mom. I wanna be the 15 year old that shops with her friends, has sleepovers, hangs out and even gets in trouble for being out to late! Where do I start – but most importantly how do I start? I don’t feel comfortable asking my mom to let me get picked up by a 16-year-old boy, but I want the teenage experience!

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

So if I understand your question rightly, you’re saying that your friends are asking you to come out and have fun, and you’re eager to do it, but you feel you can’t because you don’t have a ride and you’re not comfortable asking your mom.  Is that right?

I might be missing something here, but my first thought is — how are they getting to where they meet up?  Can they pick you up, or could their parents pick you up?  And if they’re too far away for that, can you take a bus or even a cab, to get to them?

I’m wondering if you’re being more Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend shows too much interest in your friends

Mandhie asks: The guy I’ve told you about and I are in different schools now. We are also staying distant. I am in school most times he calls me, which makes me delighted to know he is calling. When we start talking, we start with the usual greetings “Hey, how are you doing?” and so on and so forth… but as the communication proceeds, he asks about some girls in my room. When he first asked me about the number of people in my room in school and I replied ‘6,’ he asked me for their names, and I told him. This started around last month. Now, anytime he calls, he asks me for their phone numbers and when I ask why, he goes like ‘oh nothing.. Just give it to me.’ In a playful tone. Truthfully, I don’t know any of the numbers of the girls in my room. But even if I did, i wouldn’t give them to him. Also, since I get worried by him asking for the numbers, it makes me shout at him when replying. It feels bad to do so. Or at times I intentionally stay mute and make him repeat, “Hey… are you there?” When he is done talking, I give excuses and say, “Sorry but I have to go… Call you later.” It really feels bad, as I feel I am being rude. I’m getting very worried. It’s like we are being the ‘normal’ friends I am with someone else. What is happening!? Has he lost interest in me? Has he found another girl? Also, he keeps asking me when we will vacate. And when I ask, “Why? Will you come see me?” he replies, “Maybe.” This is getting me confused. If he gets the phone numbers from someone else he knows in my school, will he be calling the girls during the Christmas holidays, or does he really want to come to see me? I don’t like the kind of person he is turning into. I feel he has met some friends who are peer pressuring him. Shirelle, I love him. Please help me not lose him. I really also don’t want the situation whereby I will be so disturbed I end up acting desperate and jump into saying ‘I love you’ first!

Hi Mandhie –

I have to admit, I have no idea what he’s doing!  He might be trying to tease you and make you a little jealous, or he might be trying to connect to those girls so he can talk with them about you (perhaps to get you a present, or set up a surprise visit)… or he might be kind of weird and actually thinking of hitting on your roommates!  I have no idea!

The only way you can find out is to Continue reading

0 How to approach a girl who’s scared of boys

Gabriel H. asks: I’m an 8th grader and I kinda have a crush on this new transfer student in the 7th grade. I know about her because she’s in the same class as my little brother. I heard from my bro that she’s very shy and quiet and never smiles. I wasn’t interested at first, but one day on a weekend, I went out to run some errands and when I was passing by the park, I saw the girl and she was playing with a little girl which I assume was her sister, and she was smiling and laughing with the her. And I guess, I fell for her. I told my bro about it and he teased me, but he promised to help me out. The next day, he had a study group at out house and he invited the girl. I tried to be friends with her but I discovered that she has an extreme case of boy phobia. The only reason she agreed to go to a study group with my bro was that one of her friends liked my bro’s best friend and she came to support her. I really want to help her out with her problem and get to know her but how can I when I’m her fear itself? Help!

Hi Gabriel H. –

I think this problem is a lot more common than most people think.  I see it all the time – very nice teens, who like and want to be liked, but are afraid of where things might lead with potential romantic partners.  I think there are two main reasons for this.  One is a very intelligent fear of things going too far physically, and not being able to keep that from happening.  The other is, very often, a fear of growing up, leaving childhood behind.  Peter Pan loved Wendy, but he didn’t want to become her boyfriend, or certainly her husband!

The solution for someone like you, Gabriel H., is to meet this girl where she is.  If you ask her out to a romantic movie, she’s going to be scared, and probably say “no.”  But if you befriend her, she will likely warm up to you, and learn to trust you.  And while I can’t guarantee that that friendship will turn into something more, it’s really the only way it can happen.

So what do I mean by “befriend?”  Well, for starters, just Continue reading

0 How to break up with someone who’s wonderful

Caitlyn asks: Hello, I have a boyfriend and I really like him, but I just want to be single for a while. What should I do?

Hi Caitlyn –

Aw this is such a tough situation!  Of course you’re right – if you need some time to yourself, you should take it.  But at the same time, if this boy likes you back, he’s going to feel some lousy stuff when you do.

Your job is to make there be as little lousiness as possible.

I’ve found that humans take this sort of rejection (which it is, even though you like him) best when it’s clearest and most direct.  So if you leave lots of hints, hoping he’ll bring the subject up, and give lots of “I don’t know, I’m feeling like I should be single for a while” comments… you are just going to drive him nuts.  He’ll think you’re losing interest in him and try to be nicer, he’ll start to suspect there are things you’re not telling him, maybe suspect you’re with another guy…

Way better to sit him down and say, “Look, here’s the situation.  You’re great.  There’s nothing Continue reading

0 How to deal with long-distance relationships

Mandhie asks: My boyfriend’s family relocated into another city, about an hour away. When he was leaving, he came to my house and broke out the news to me. I took it as ‘I am okay with it’ situation but I know he knows I was ‘acting’ and that I would really miss him. The night when his family left, words can’t express how much I cried, but I was able to put myself together after some weeks. Shirelle, I used to really seriously love and want this guy BUT now I feel I have given up on my love for him because I keep on having this mindset that he will meet someone else, perhaps a prettier girl than me. What confuses me is that I feel he is beginning to love me because he is always talking about how distant we are and how we won’t be able to see each other like we used to. I am very confident when we talk on the phone, which surprises him because he knows me to be a shy girl when I am around him. I still like him but why is that I am not feeling how I used to feel at first? Am I losing my love for him? Was it truly love that felt? Is my confusion because of how much I wept that night and the various mindsets I had about him getting another girl? This Friday is his birthday, so how should I talk with him then?

Hi Mandie –

As to your main question, about whether you’re losing your love for him, the fact is I have no idea – only you can know that.  But I do have a lot of thoughts about what might be going on.

First, those thoughts about him and other girls – those could come from a lot of sources.  Maybe you’re just imagining too strongly; maybe you’re thinking about cute boys and so your brain is avoiding guilt by picturing him with other girls; and maybe, just maybe, you’re picking up on some signals that he is actually looking elsewhere.  Any are possible.  Do any sound more right to you?  If so, that’s likely the correct one.

Second, about your feelings pulling back – those could be from a few reasons too.  Maybe you’re just getting a Continue reading

0 What does it mean when someone in a relationship keeps thinking about their ex?

noah asks: I had an ex-boyfriend who left to go on a mission in our church for two years. We’ve been four years together, on and off. Today, I have my present boyfriend, and we’ve been together for four fruitful months. Somehow, I think of my ex all the time (sort of concern and care). So, do I really love my present boyfriend? Or am I just using him to replace my feelings for my ex?

Hi noah –

I don’t know the inside of your heart or your mind, so I can’t answer your main question – only you can know whether you truly love your boyfriend or not. But I can put out a suggestion.

It’s really common, when people have been together for a while, for one or both of them to start getting a bit antsy, even a bit bored. And their minds will wander to others – very often to their exes. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love their current faves, but maybe it’s a sign that something needs to be Continue reading

0 What to do when a relationship isn’t working

Lil Chen asks: These past few weeks I’ve realized that I like it when I have admirers. I don’t know why, but I think that’s where my confidence comes from. When boys follow me around or try to get my attention, I gain more confidence, and whenever I hear my Best Friend having more admirers, I lose my confidence and I doubt people’s compliments about me. I don’t like my attitude but sometimes I like it too. I also have ummm…a boyfriend. (Does that make me a bad or selfish person?) He’s my first real relationship. It started just last month, but I’m already doubting it. I envy couples because I want to be like them, having someone to be with and all, but now that I’m in a relationship, I hate it. I don’t like the way my ummm…boyfriend is. He’s too lovey-dovey and insecure, and he gets jealous too easily. I’m still 15 and I don’t know love, but he’s talking about it already. He was my crush, and I told him, expecting him to not want me (all my crushes never liked me back before, that’s probably why I liked them). Now that we’re together, I’m confused as to whether I like him or not. I get scared of him even when he’s not mad. People always tell me I’m lucky because we’re together; they say we’re a cute couple, but I always get insecure when they say that. I can’t even tell my Best Friend about it because she keeps telling me stories about our friends and their break-ups with their boyfriends, and whenever I mention breaking up with him she tells me that I’m like our friends. She hasn’t experienced being in a relationship – that’s probably why – but her words still haunt me. I want to have a boyfriend, but if this is what a relationship feels like then I don’t want it. I want a guy who makes fun of me or makes fun of everything, the one who would do anything to make me laugh, even if his actions are reckless and would probably get him in trouble. The kind of guy who isn’t always lovey-dovey, only during special moments. That’s the guy that I dream of. Sure, I want him to be protective too, and I don’t mind that he gets jealous when I go near guys because that’s how I’ll know he cares about me so much. My other Best Friend told me to break up with him, but I feel like my other Best Friend will shame me if I do, along with other people. I try to picture myself with another guy, but it feels so wrong because I have to be loyal to him. What do you think I should do?

Hi Lil Chen –

Everyone has problems.  Some are more fun than others.  This problem of yours is a VERY fun one!  Oh how I wish all my pack members could have this struggle, instead of the loneliness so many are going through!

Okay, first of all, there is NOTHING wrong with liking attention and admiration.  It’s very natural.  When I go to the dog park, I absolutely expect the boy dogs to chase me; I do not chase them!  The only male I chase is Handsome, my human (and he admires me above anything in the world).  I like being the center female, and expect boy dogs to treat me that way.  And just like you, I can get a little jealous when other females get lots of attention.  But when that happens, I usually just do one of two things – either walk away and find something else to focus on, or do something to get at least some of those boy dogs to notice me.  Either one works, and you can do the same.

But now, onto this boyfriend issue.  It seems to me that the only problem here is that you’re worrying too much!  You had a crush on a boy, you told him you did, and now you’re realizing that you two are different and want different things in a relationship.  Great!  Your job is to Continue reading