Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

Well… it takes patience!

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

What?!  What did I Continue reading

0 What to do when you find out something awful about your boyfriend or girlfriend, while they’re going through a bad time.

Snowball18 asks: My long distance boyfriend’s sister just died, and at the same time I came to know that he had lied to me about not having any girlfriends before me, and about being a virgin too. I am a virgin and this is my first relationship. I don’t know how to react to this – how and when should I tell him I know this?

Hi Snowball18 –

Oh what a horrible story!  I’m so sorry, about his loss and about this awful discovery.

I think the answer to your question, though, is that you need to divide these two issues up clearly.  And ask yourself what you’d do with each.

Now with his sister dying, I imagine you’d be enormously supportive and loving.  You might even try to travel to see him and his family.  You’d listen to his pain, you’d try to comfort him, you’d do everything you could to help him through this so-unfair experience.

But if she hadn’t died, if she was doing just great, or if he’d never had a sister at all… how would you react to this news about his past, and his lie?  Would you just call him a liar?  Would you break up with him?  Would you smash up his home?  Would you growl and bark and bite him so hard you ripped the seat out of his pants (that’s what I’d do, but I’m not saying that’d be necessarily best)?

The issue here is Continue reading

0 What to do when missing someone keeps you from being able to work.

Smile asks: You may remember my question about my guy best friend. We became closer than ever after your amazing advice, but he has to leave for higher studies now, and I have one more year to complete in my current school (he was my senior). We will not be able to contact with each other for a long time because he is going to hostel (where phones are not allowed). We both completely understand that leaving for studies is important for his future, but both of us felt frustrated and sad after we said our final farewell. I hate goodbyes, and I feel like I will hate school more than ever now because he was my only true friend. It has now reached a point where I can’t concentrate on anything else except my sadness and the thought of him going. I also know that he feels the same, but there seems nothing we could do about it . I miss him so much. Please help me deal with it.

Hi Smile –

What a sad story!  I wish I knew more – like how long he’ll be there, and if he can use a phone sometimes (maybe on weekends?).  I can’t imagine he’s being cut off from all contact, unless he’s joining a monastery or on some other spiritual path where he needs to do that.

But in the meantime, you’re stuck with this problem on a daily basis.

Now sadly, there’s nothing I can recommend to make you stop missing him.  And I imagine you wouldn’t want  to stop missing him.  You love him and everything’s good between you; why would you want him not to matter?

What we need is for you to find something else to focus on in the meantime.  Yes, you have schoolwork, but of course your brain is going to get distracted with that (there’s a reason they call it work; if it was always exciting it wouldn’t require such effort!).  So imagine he was still there, and you could talk to him every day – but you also had a few hours to spend on something besides him and your schoolwork.  What would you most like it to be?  Would you like to learn a new skill?  Play an instrument?  Get involved in a sport?  Maybe do a volunteer activity?  (Like work at an animal shelter taking care of scrumptious pups like me who need love and attention and extra treats?!!!)

But I want you to do something else too, right away.  I want you to Continue reading

0 What to do when a lie you’ve told makes you look bad

Suzen asks: I have a boyfriend. I lied him that I am addicted to drugs. Then he told this to his sister. Now I’ve fallen in love with him, but his sister doesn’t want me in his life. He’s upset. How do I get out of this situation?

Hi Suzen –

Your question reminds me of an old trick that lawyers like to play in courtrooms.  They’ll get a person onto the stand, where they’ve sworn to tell the truth, and ask them a question like “Have you stopped beating your wife?”  The person starts to argue against the question, and they’ll demand, “Yes or No!  Have you stopped beating your wife?!”  Of course, if the person says “No,” then it sounds like they beat their wife.  If they say “Yes,” then it sounds like they used to beat their wife.  The question doesn’t allow for the fact that they never touched her!

But Suzen you don’t need a lawyer to do this to you; you did it to yourself!  Your boyfriend’s sister (and maybe your boyfriend as well) will want to know if you’re still addicted to drugs.  If you say yes, obviously that means you’re an addict and she has reasons to worry about her brother being involved with you.  If you say no, then they have to wonder if you’re really over the drugs, if you might go back onto them, and all that.

The only solution to this is based in something I don’t know:  WHY did you say this to him?

Whatever the reason was, whether it was to push him away, to make yourself sound more interesting, to sound like an expert… I don’t know.  But if you want to keep him as a boyfriend, you’re going to need to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re attracted to someone like your abusive parent

HoneyBunny asks: I want to have a stable relationship. I will tell you something about my family background first, as many people keep on saying that my mind is unstable because of my family issues. So my mum and dad got separated 7 years ago, and my dad got into a relationship with some other lady, and my mum got married and has started staying with her husband in another city. She does provide me everything, but her presence is what I crave. I have no contact with my real father or his family. And I was in a relationship with a guy and we ended up because he was apparently cheating on me. And I like someone now but that guy is just like my real father. I don’t want myself to fall for him, because he isn’t doing any job – he drinks a lot, and even abuses a lot, but still I am very much attracted to him. Please suggest something.

Hi HoneyBunny –

This is really unfair!  This is too many awful things happening to you all at once!  I can’t even tell if you’re living with an adult now, or if you’re too young to be living that way, and … ARRGH it’s just not right!

So I have to say, it makes TOTAL sense that you would be drawn to a man who reminds you of your father.  You have a deep need for this man who has disappeared from your life, and are trying to replace him with someone similar.

What’s GREAT is that you’re aware of the guy’s problems, and especially that they are the same as your dad’s.

I just sent out a newsletter with a piece on this exact issue – what to ask yourself before dating someone.  If you didn’t get it, you might want to look at it: https://askshirelle.com/2019/02/15/twenty-questions-avoid-dating-problems/

But in the meantime, you have a bigger job, which is to find out how to get what you need from a guy who doesn’t have these flaws.

What I want you to do is to Continue reading

0 Should you marry someone who keeps secrets

Zoei asks: I’m engaged. Last year my fiancée started talking to another woman; when I asked he said its someone his interested in but wanted them to be friends with me first (polygamy). I asked him to stop contact with her and he did. Early this year I just got a feeling that he was doing something, and yes he was talking to the same woman. They seem to call each other at night, but he denied it. When I showed him his phone he kept quiet. I asked him why he’s still talking to the same woman I asked him to lose contact with; he asked how I know it’s the same person. I said because I know her number. He said nothing is happening between them. I said fine let me call her and ask her why she’s calling you at night, and he said fine. I acted like I was dialing the number, he said do it and you will see. I asked him why he was being defensive, he didn’t answer me; and I asked why they’re calling each other at night, when, if she’s a client, couldn’t it wait till morning office hours. Two weeks ago I saw a text on his phone from her (I was using the phone to text my mum) saying “I’m back, let me know when you’re here.” We were with friends at a party but I couldn’t stand it anymore. I pulled him outside and asked him what he was doing at her place. He denied it, then said nothing is going on. I just left him there and I walked back home. He tried calling me and I just ignored him. He came back home after 30 minutes. He said I shouldn’t have walked away, and how much he loves me, and the fact that we left our home town to another town to pursue our dreams, so he’s not going to let me go. But the feeling is not going away. On Sunday he called her seven times; she didn’t answer. He now calls her almost every day, in the morning mostly. He says she knows he has a woman. Now I’m playing the fool, acting like I can’t see anything. What do I do?

Hi Zoei –

Okay, I have an answer for you, but first I have one gigantic question.  A question so big, it might determine your entire future:

Are you sure it’s the same woman?  I mean are you ABSOLUTELY sure?  Is it even 0.00001% possible that that woman canceled her phone account and a client of your fiancee’s astoundingly happened to get that number?  Is it NO QUESTION that it’s absolutely her?

If you’re not 100% sure (and yes I mean more than 99.99999%!), then you absolutely MUST find out.  If your fiancee has a job where he has to keep his clients confidential, and so can’t tell you, then he’s already doing an awful job of it by letting you see his phone.  But if you have the right, then yes, call her, ask her about their relationship, or how about having your fiancee take you with him to meet her (it could look totally innocent; he meets her for a business reason, and brings you along because you wanted to go shopping near there while they met, something like that).

But if you know, if you’re absolutely sure this is the same woman…  then Continue reading

0 How to gain custody of a child

dan77 asks: I need to get custody of my son because his mother does nothing with him. What do I do?

Hi dan77 –

Sadly, while I can certainly commiserate with you about the difficulties you’re facing, and how awful this is for you, there’s no advice I can give about how to get custody.  For two reasons – one, I’m not an attorney and don’t know much about law; and two – I don’t even know where you live, and if I did know law, I’d only know those for my country or state, and so still wouldn’t be able to help you.

You MUST Continue reading

0 How to get away from a possessive boyfriend or girlfriend

bhian asks: I’m afraid right now. I have a boyfriend who is so possessive. He always gets jealous, and hits me after. How can I break up with him? My kids are afraid with him also.

Hi bhian –

I really have two answers for you.  One is something I sent to someone else, about how to break up as gently and kindly as possible.  But before I get to that, I need to bring up this other issue.

Jealousy is fine.  I get very jealous when I see my human friend Handsome petting other dogs.  There’s actually a compliment in there.

But a man hitting a woman is NOT okay.  And terrifying children isn’t either.  So my first and biggest concern is to get you and them safe.

If you lived where I do, I’d know who you could call.  But I don’t know where you live.  So I want you to find a time you can be by yourself, and to call the police and ask them what services are available for abused mothers and children.

Now your boyfriend might not ever strike you or the kids again.  And if so, that’s great.  But please, as soon as you can, find out what services are out there.  And keep that information.  You never know when you’ll need it.

Okay, so onto the ‘funner’ part of it:

I hate breakups.  I’ve never really had one, but I’ve suffered from them, whenever Handsome’s had any.  And he hates them – whether they’re his idea or hers.  Both feel really bad.  But that’s just one of those things almost all humans go through, and so the best thing to do is to get it over with as kindly and as easily as possible.  Here are some suggestions: Continue reading

0 How to deal with having lied to someone to meet them

Chica asks: I met a guy about a year ago at a College event. I thought he was really cute. We spoke but I was too shy to get his number. Now after a year I finally got his number at Debate Competition Website. So I decided to text him regarding the competition, as I didn’t wanted to look desperate. I actually lied to him about signing up for the debate competition that he is conducting in order to hit up a conversation. But the problem is that he is now asking me details regarding the competition which I don’t have. So how should I tell him that I lied just in order to talk to him?! I am afraid that he might think of me as a stalker or psychopath because we met a year ago. But I still remember each and every moment from that day. Should I tell him that I lied, and I really think that he is cute and I would like to go out with him? Will I look like a stalker and a desperate person?

Hi Chica –

WOW!  What a story!  I have to admit, I’ve gotten thousands of letters, but never one like this before!

I have to admit, I’m stumped.  I’ve been trying to figure out an answer, but the only thing I can come up with is a story my human friend Handsome told me, about a guy he worked with long ago.  This man had his eye on another man at work, and was trying to get the guts up to pursue him (which is scary to do today but was even scarier back then).  He told his friends that he had this fantasy of inviting the man back to his hotel room to share a great bottle of rare Scotch whiskey.  Then, when the man showed up, he’d say, “I have a confession to make.  I don’t have any Scotch.”  And that the man would respond, “That’s alright.  I don’t drink Scotch!”

Handsome couldn’t remember if anything ever ended up happening between the guys, but he always remembered that fantasy, as it was such a funny and exciting idea.

So… can you Continue reading

0 What to do when you need more attention than your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to give

Free asks: I’m 21-year-old girl with a boyfriend who always wants space in his life. He considers his friends more important than me, but he also doesn’t want to breakup with me and gives me the hope of coming back to his life. And I just can’t stay apart from him for an hour also! I love him more than my soul; he is my world. I’m a highly sensitive empath who feels a lot, so I don’t know how to deal with this.

Hi Free –

I’m going to say something to you that’s not as judgmental as it may sound.  But it seems to me you’re addicted to your boyfriend.

You know addictions, the way people are addicted to cigarettes or coffee or whatever?  See, that doesn’t mean they just like them, it’s that they can’t stand not having them, their bodies react badly to being deprived of them, even when they aren’t enjoying them at all.

See, you say you’re an empath, and I have every reason to believe you are.  But empaths feel what other people are feeling.  And yet, when your boyfriend feels a need for space, your instant reaction is to need more of him, right?

So it’s great that you’re an empath, but what’s pushing you in this relationship is your addiction to him.  And it might push him away so hard he breaks things off!

So I want you to do two things, at the same time.  First, I want you to work on Continue reading